Nov 7, 2013 / Blogging Etiquette

Should You Let the Cats Out of the Bag? Blogging About Family and Friends

Once upon a time, I featured a post on Freshly Pressed  in which the author spoke very frankly about her family and their differences. I assumed that since it had been published it was fair game, and she was thrilled to be chosen…

…until her blog attracted more traffic, including family members who didn’t appreciate the notoriety (or who hadn’t realized she was writing about them at all). She asked to have the post removed, deleted much of her blog’s content, and had to patch up the remnants of some severely strained relationships.

It’s a gnarled question: where do you draw the line on what you share about family and friends in a medium that’s fundamentally about letting readers into your life?

First, take a step back. Here’s a helpful diagram that illustrates the relationship between the internet and privacy:

As this extremely scientific analysis shows, putting things on the internet is not conducive to keeping them private. (This diagram may overstate the case a tad, but it’s still useful and I like the colors.) Fundamentally, when you publish a post, you release the content into the wilds of the internet. Others are free to leave their commentary and share it with their networks. Public information takes on a life of its own.

That drawback is also one of the benefits of blogging: as you share, you forge connections with others and come to more deeply understand yourself. Therein lies the challenge: you want to invite readers into your life (to a greater or lesser extent, depending on the focus of your blog). Your family and friends are an important part of your life, so seems natural to write about them — but they’re not the ones who invited the strangers over. 

What are your options?

You’re trying to build an engaging blog but would prefer to stay on your mother’s good side. What are your options? There are a few, each with its own challenges.

  1. A hard and fast rule — no family, no friends. On one hand, you don’t run the risk of offending anyone close to you with what you choose to share (you can always offend them in other ways). On the other, you’re imposing a significant constraint. If your blog has a focus like book reviews or fantasy football, excluding personal issues might not be much of an impediment; if it’s about you, a place to muse and reflect on your experiences, it becomes tougher.
  2. Be considerate when you write about others, lest the skeletons you free go all Ray Harryhausen on your. (Photo byMichael Rogers, (CC BY-NC 2.0))

    Be considerate when you write about others, lest the skeletons you free go all Ray Harryhausen on you — it’s tough to round them up once they’re on the loose, especially if they have swords. Photo by Michael Rogers (CC BY-NC 2.0).

    All bets are off! Let those skeletons free. You might decide that it’s your blog, your rules, and you’re going to say what you want to. Depending on your family and friends, that might be a-okay… but it might not (refer to the cautionary tale that opened this post). We could also throw in an “Option 2A:” speak freely, but blog anonymously so neither you nor your friends are identified.

  3. A constant series of judgment calls. The least cut-and-dried but most workable answer is to use your good judgement. Find the balance between letting your readers in and maintaining the privacy of your relationships.

The hardest answer is always the right one, isn’t it? Luckily, there are questions you can ask yourself to help pinpoint this balance, and it will get simpler as you go.

The million-dollar question(s)

Not all of these questions will work for every blogger; some of us maintain blog personas quite different from who we are in the flesh. These questions also can’t predict how your family and friends will actually respond to seeing their experiences recounted on your blog — there’s no substitute for asking them. Still, they help you think through the ramifications.

There are no right answers, and your responses will differ depending on who your subject is — the privacy you’d extend to you brother’s small child may differ from what you extend to your brother.

  • What if it were me? If you were reading your closest friend’s blog and saw a similar story about you — perhaps something you hadn’t shared with others yet — how would you feel? (What’s that; your closest friend doesn’t have a blog? Why not?)
  • If I were telling this story to a group of people, would I share these details? Picture the real-life equivalent of your blog readers: you’re at a party talking to a group of people, some you know well, some less so, some not at all. You’re telling the story. Are you okay with those to whom you’re less connected hearing it?
  • Am I talking about children? My children? They’re not in the same position to assert themselves and ask not to be mentioned; that goes double for other people’s children.
  • You’re browsing Facebook and see that someone’s shared the post with less-than-positive commentary; how do you feel? Do any protective instincts kick in? Blogging isn’t just about what you share, but how others run with that. Are you comfortable if someone takes the story and sprints in the other direction?
  • If a prospective employer or partner found the story, would reading it hurt your friend’s chances? This is unlikely, especially since you’re probably not using your friend’s full name with loads of identifying details; the underlying question is whether the story puts your loved one in any kind of compromised position. Whether or not they’re identifiable, it’s probably not ideal.

Lots of stories are fine to tell — the hilarious story about the UPS mixup your cousin told you at Thanksgiving probably doesn’t impact anyone, except maybe the UPS man. In other cases, it’s worth thinking through the what-ifs.

Tactics? We don’ need no stinking tactics! (hint: yes, you do)

In cases where you’re still not sure, there are a few things you can do, including one that’s pretty foolproof.

    • Ask! Hit “publish” worry-free by asking the people in the story if they’re okay with what you’re sharing; you can’t beat approval that comes from the horse’s mouth (or your roommate’s). It’s also a good opener for a bigger conversation about your goals for your blog, and how the person wants to be represented — or not. To make this easy, you can use the Request Feedback tool to email them your post before publishing, and you’ll see their comments alongside your draft.
Photo by lewishamdreamer, CC BY-NC 2.0.

Respect your family’s and friends’ boundaries, and increase the chance that they’ll continue to give you hugs. Who doesnt’t like a hug? Photo by lewishamdreamer (CC BY-NC 2.0).

  • Use pseudonyms. Many bloggers use pseudonyms when writing about children, and some use them for themselves, to keep their blogs as separate from their personal lives as possible. Some think pseudonyms create unnecessary distance between a blogger and reader, but it’s a workable option for protecting the privacy of others, especially children and significant others who have recurring roles.
  • Alter unimportant details — keep the crux, lose the cruft. Presumably, you have a point you’re trying to make with the stories you choose to tell. What’s central to that, and what can be omitted?
  • Take advantage of the privacy settings.  Sometimes, simply getting things off your chest is all you really need. Use the visibility settings to set sensitive posts to “private,” or restrict them to those with a password. Now you can write your heart out and share it only the people that really matter (or with no one).

We know this is something many of you deal with every day on your blogs, and would love to hear your stories. What questions do you ask yourself? Have you created any personal guidelines? What was the stickiest spot you’ve found yourself in, and how did you work it out?

Ed.: I received a note from the blogger whose experience being Freshly Pressed inspired this post, and through I’d share some of what she had to say:

When I started my blog, it was a form of therapy. Not only was I bored and unsatisfied in my job, but it was a tool for me to release the pain of an abusive childhood and marriage. I had no internet presence, was totally incognito, and never used real names.

At the time, no one was reading. I was lucky to get 20 hits a day. It felt good to get it out of my system after all of those years. It was only when I was alerted that I’d been Freshly Pressed that things got ugly.

Of my three family members, one was upset, but we talked it out. We are now closer than ever. More than a year later, I still have not spoken to the other two.

Through this blogging experience, I have learned not that I should keep my mouth shut, but that there are some people who are not worth your time.

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  1. I do find that using pseudonyms works well for me when I am discussing someone who is a big part of my life and therefore comes up often. With my current blogging project, I try to discuss the story more than the people, and anytime a person is necessary in a post I refer to them as a genderless “they”, and as “my friend”, no matter the relationship I have with them. It does the trick well.

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  2. I will be honest and say that it depends whether that person is a) alive, b) available to ask and c) whether I want to name them. I am not into the name and shame game my blog is about my life experiences, what lead me to a more spiritual path and any insights I have gained so it has to be fairly revealing of me. The chances of anyone who knows me coming across my little baby blog are fairly remote at this stage, the chances of them not knowing what I think of them is even remoter.
    Still if I was going to write something more offensive or sensitive about an individual I would first ask myself this simple question; is it necessary to say this?

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    2. Also — baby blog or not, it only takes one person to share something on Facebook (or Twitter, or Google+, or…). You never know where your words or photos will end up.

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      1. There is that but I should say where I have named relatives I have permission from them, where I vaguely suggest friends I ensure it is vague enough to not identify anyone.
        “If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet you’d best teach them to dance” excellent advice from George Bernard Shaw because I have always found they come tumbling out sooner or later.

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  3. This is a great question, and was something that I thought a lot about before starting my blog. I knew I would write under a pseudonym, and because of this I have only shared my address with a few close friends. When writing about anyone else – if necessary for the story I’m telling – I also give them a pseudonym. My blog is about me – my emotions, my experiences, my thoughts, my journey – and I try to say things like “my friend” or “my coworker” if I have to quote anyone. I also make a conscious effort to paint those around me in a good light.
    However, I am writing a book about my childhood with my mom, who may be mentally ill (never diagnosed), so I do worry sometimes that someone I know will “identify” me, and that these stories – though true from my experience – could hurt her pride in the retelling.
    It’s a fine line for any writer – even when I’m writing fiction my characters are drawn from real life characters (often an amalgam of many) who may be able to identify themselves if they looked closely enough.
    I find the pressure to market myself through social media to gain a greater following of my blog and writing does create a conundrum with regard to anonymity. It only takes one person to recognise you as the “real” you for the “curtain to fall” and the Wiz to be exposed.
    Thanks for hosting this discussion!
    Ali

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  4. I can personally identify with this. Many moons ago, I chose option 2A, on a completely different site of course. My posts are very generalized. I don’t name names, and I don’t say specific words that might reveal the subject(s) of my posts. I also wound up deleting a good chunk of entries because I got careless with some words.

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  5. Loved this piece! Hits close to home as one of my two blogs is about surviving divorce. My ex and I get along well however he has not read my blog. I expressed that perhaps he probably is not ready to read it… as a matter of fact, he might not ever be ready to read it! I just want to share my story in the hopes of perhaps helping someone get through their tough situation…that they are not alone…

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  6. Personally, I use the pseudonym option (for myself and everyone I talk about). My friends know who they are but the wider population of the internet does not. I do also tend to ask about publishing anything potentially embarrassing. Most people are fine with this as long as they know it’s happening.

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  9. Sometimes you are up against a wall; terrible things are being said and e-mailed about you, sometimes even to courts. If you rebut, it sounds like he-said-she-said. It is very tempting to blast the written stuff in a blog — “so sue me.” I am tossing this back and forth right now. If you let that person keep slandering and libeling you, others will believe it.
    One time I did say something pretty nasty about someone. It was the truth, it was only one line. But if a prospective employer Googles this person they will find the blog, even though I didn’t publicize it. He tried to get me to retract it, but it is the truth and he has a silver tongue. If you don’t get his criminal record, you’d be charmed by him – only to be burned. So I feel that I have simply posted a buyer-beware sign.

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  10. Why complicate matters (although I like colors, too)? Be civil, respect yourself. What goes around, comes around. You are what you eat,,,,,,,,,etc,

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  12. I had what became a very sticky situation when I wrote an entry using two people’s astrological data (kept anonymous and used entirely with permission) and was then pestered by a third party who was convinced I had “stolen” the information and was using it without permission, simply because he “thought” he recognized the charts’ data. This led to a long series of stupid emails and Facebook stalking by the person who was convinced I was lying when I said the otherwise anonymous charts and information were given to me, that I had permission to use the information, etc. It was utterly ridiculous, and finally, just to quell the raging idiocy, I took the post down, which I regret, since it was highly informational and had lots of good comments.

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  13. thank you for remind us! it so usefull esp for me. honestly, i like to post bout my family en friends. but of course always try to share only the positive thing bout them.

    😀

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  16. I always ask family and friends if I’m not sure. If the kids are young, I ask permission. Or if I’m not sure, that’s a sign to delete. My husband who is in most of my sports, is a great sport. In fact many people write in and say, “Poor John.” FInally, I don’t air skeletons. Great article.

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  18. very well said … and a very thought provoking post
    Yes a person feels miserable sometimes because of the little issues with friends and family…
    I always write these things in the form of general stories or indirect dialogues

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  19. If it is truth and not blatant attempts to “shame” others publicly, merely sharing real life I think it adds a “human” quality that most of us as readers truly appreciate. That said, one more reason to not use your REAL world name online (I don’t) and write almost everything as fiction or creative non-fiction, poetry or “someone else’s” story. It will all spill forth any way, I believe. Writers, especially creative writers, tend to write their brains out loud or at least what is on their mind at the time. Even if we don’t intend to. At least if we are not using real world names, identifying anyone or simply writing everything from another viewpoint, we will keep some happy some of the time. Don’t believe we can keep everyone happy no matter what we do. Then again, I don’t write to please others. Art saves lives. Writing saved mine. So far… 😉

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  20. This is very interesting tip! I am guilty of blogging about personal things… I almost forgot about the word privacy.. Thanks for reminding me this… 🙂

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  21. Interesting feedback on ‘should I or should I not.’ Putting in personal info makes a blog interesting but then too much of ‘I’ can be irritating. Mine is a travel blog so I am spared intrusive additions.

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  23. I started out anonymously. Then I decided that if I wasn’t willing to put my name/face on something, I shouldn’t be writing it online anyway.

    I changed my blog name and polled my friends including potential titles like “TMI, Kylie, TMI” and “Kylie’s Open Book.” I’m an extrovert and over-sharer in real life, and I like to keep my blog real. Unless I’m writing fiction. Then it’s fake 😉

    I do avoid certain subjects: my ex, my husband’s ex, his children from his first marriage, in-laws. My husband and children crop up in my writing because they are huge parts of my life. I keep things positive and funny (for the most part), but I do worry about stalkers. If I really need to rant, I have a password protected blog for that.

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  24. Do two circles really make a Venn Diagram? I am too lazy to look it up… That said I appreciated this post on multiple levels. As a writer and a reader of blogs, but also as a budding memoirist. I’d like to hear how other people deal with the backlash from family and friends

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  26. Very interesting read on a topic I struggled with two blogs ago. Now my blog is faceless, yet still, I hope, with personality. None of my family even know that this blog is actually mine and that allows me the opportunity to be as creative as I need to be.

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  27. I use the third option of making judgment calls. True, some stories are better left untold. The stories I tell have me as the main character. All family and friends in the stories are secondary. So far there is only one story that puts anyone in a bad light other than myself, and I weight the pros and cons of publishing it.

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  28. I just don’t mention full real names, people maybe known by initials such as “Me and my friend D did x today” As far as I am aware people also don’t know my full name so it would be difficult to pin down exact people at exact times.

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  29. No ! the cats have to be allowed to peep now and then to just take a fresh breath. Never ever let them out …for you cannot get them back !!! What is lost is never often regained !!

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  30. Good suggestions, but I feel that if you are blogging about something they are involved with rather than about them, they shouldn’t really object, should they?

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