Nov 7, 2013 / Blogging Etiquette

Should You Let the Cats Out of the Bag? Blogging About Family and Friends

Once upon a time, I featured a post on Freshly Pressed  in which the author spoke very frankly about her family and their differences. I assumed that since it had been published it was fair game, and she was thrilled to be chosen…

…until her blog attracted more traffic, including family members who didn’t appreciate the notoriety (or who hadn’t realized she was writing about them at all). She asked to have the post removed, deleted much of her blog’s content, and had to patch up the remnants of some severely strained relationships.

It’s a gnarled question: where do you draw the line on what you share about family and friends in a medium that’s fundamentally about letting readers into your life?

First, take a step back. Here’s a helpful diagram that illustrates the relationship between the internet and privacy:

As this extremely scientific analysis shows, putting things on the internet is not conducive to keeping them private. (This diagram may overstate the case a tad, but it’s still useful and I like the colors.) Fundamentally, when you publish a post, you release the content into the wilds of the internet. Others are free to leave their commentary and share it with their networks. Public information takes on a life of its own.

That drawback is also one of the benefits of blogging: as you share, you forge connections with others and come to more deeply understand yourself. Therein lies the challenge: you want to invite readers into your life (to a greater or lesser extent, depending on the focus of your blog). Your family and friends are an important part of your life, so seems natural to write about them — but they’re not the ones who invited the strangers over. 

What are your options?

You’re trying to build an engaging blog but would prefer to stay on your mother’s good side. What are your options? There are a few, each with its own challenges.

  1. A hard and fast rule — no family, no friends. On one hand, you don’t run the risk of offending anyone close to you with what you choose to share (you can always offend them in other ways). On the other, you’re imposing a significant constraint. If your blog has a focus like book reviews or fantasy football, excluding personal issues might not be much of an impediment; if it’s about you, a place to muse and reflect on your experiences, it becomes tougher.
  2. Be considerate when you write about others, lest the skeletons you free go all Ray Harryhausen on your. (Photo byMichael Rogers, (CC BY-NC 2.0))

    Be considerate when you write about others, lest the skeletons you free go all Ray Harryhausen on you — it’s tough to round them up once they’re on the loose, especially if they have swords. Photo by Michael Rogers (CC BY-NC 2.0).

    All bets are off! Let those skeletons free. You might decide that it’s your blog, your rules, and you’re going to say what you want to. Depending on your family and friends, that might be a-okay… but it might not (refer to the cautionary tale that opened this post). We could also throw in an “Option 2A:” speak freely, but blog anonymously so neither you nor your friends are identified.

  3. A constant series of judgment calls. The least cut-and-dried but most workable answer is to use your good judgement. Find the balance between letting your readers in and maintaining the privacy of your relationships.

The hardest answer is always the right one, isn’t it? Luckily, there are questions you can ask yourself to help pinpoint this balance, and it will get simpler as you go.

The million-dollar question(s)

Not all of these questions will work for every blogger; some of us maintain blog personas quite different from who we are in the flesh. These questions also can’t predict how your family and friends will actually respond to seeing their experiences recounted on your blog — there’s no substitute for asking them. Still, they help you think through the ramifications.

There are no right answers, and your responses will differ depending on who your subject is — the privacy you’d extend to you brother’s small child may differ from what you extend to your brother.

  • What if it were me? If you were reading your closest friend’s blog and saw a similar story about you — perhaps something you hadn’t shared with others yet — how would you feel? (What’s that; your closest friend doesn’t have a blog? Why not?)
  • If I were telling this story to a group of people, would I share these details? Picture the real-life equivalent of your blog readers: you’re at a party talking to a group of people, some you know well, some less so, some not at all. You’re telling the story. Are you okay with those to whom you’re less connected hearing it?
  • Am I talking about children? My children? They’re not in the same position to assert themselves and ask not to be mentioned; that goes double for other people’s children.
  • You’re browsing Facebook and see that someone’s shared the post with less-than-positive commentary; how do you feel? Do any protective instincts kick in? Blogging isn’t just about what you share, but how others run with that. Are you comfortable if someone takes the story and sprints in the other direction?
  • If a prospective employer or partner found the story, would reading it hurt your friend’s chances? This is unlikely, especially since you’re probably not using your friend’s full name with loads of identifying details; the underlying question is whether the story puts your loved one in any kind of compromised position. Whether or not they’re identifiable, it’s probably not ideal.

Lots of stories are fine to tell — the hilarious story about the UPS mixup your cousin told you at Thanksgiving probably doesn’t impact anyone, except maybe the UPS man. In other cases, it’s worth thinking through the what-ifs.

Tactics? We don’ need no stinking tactics! (hint: yes, you do)

In cases where you’re still not sure, there are a few things you can do, including one that’s pretty foolproof.

    • Ask! Hit “publish” worry-free by asking the people in the story if they’re okay with what you’re sharing; you can’t beat approval that comes from the horse’s mouth (or your roommate’s). It’s also a good opener for a bigger conversation about your goals for your blog, and how the person wants to be represented — or not. To make this easy, you can use the Request Feedback tool to email them your post before publishing, and you’ll see their comments alongside your draft.
Photo by lewishamdreamer, CC BY-NC 2.0.

Respect your family’s and friends’ boundaries, and increase the chance that they’ll continue to give you hugs. Who doesnt’t like a hug? Photo by lewishamdreamer (CC BY-NC 2.0).

  • Use pseudonyms. Many bloggers use pseudonyms when writing about children, and some use them for themselves, to keep their blogs as separate from their personal lives as possible. Some think pseudonyms create unnecessary distance between a blogger and reader, but it’s a workable option for protecting the privacy of others, especially children and significant others who have recurring roles.
  • Alter unimportant details — keep the crux, lose the cruft. Presumably, you have a point you’re trying to make with the stories you choose to tell. What’s central to that, and what can be omitted?
  • Take advantage of the privacy settings.  Sometimes, simply getting things off your chest is all you really need. Use the visibility settings to set sensitive posts to “private,” or restrict them to those with a password. Now you can write your heart out and share it only the people that really matter (or with no one).

We know this is something many of you deal with every day on your blogs, and would love to hear your stories. What questions do you ask yourself? Have you created any personal guidelines? What was the stickiest spot you’ve found yourself in, and how did you work it out?

Ed.: I received a note from the blogger whose experience being Freshly Pressed inspired this post, and through I’d share some of what she had to say:

When I started my blog, it was a form of therapy. Not only was I bored and unsatisfied in my job, but it was a tool for me to release the pain of an abusive childhood and marriage. I had no internet presence, was totally incognito, and never used real names.

At the time, no one was reading. I was lucky to get 20 hits a day. It felt good to get it out of my system after all of those years. It was only when I was alerted that I’d been Freshly Pressed that things got ugly.

Of my three family members, one was upset, but we talked it out. We are now closer than ever. More than a year later, I still have not spoken to the other two.

Through this blogging experience, I have learned not that I should keep my mouth shut, but that there are some people who are not worth your time.

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  1. My family and close friends and I all entered a pact over 8 years ago. We entered it after one of us was the victim of identity theft and stalking. That person went through19 months of living hell because a big-mouthed relative with a low online IQ shared what ought to have been confidential information online. The pact we entered is that we don’t discuss anything at all that happens offline between us online. We don’t post images of ourselves or of each other online either. We are extremely cautious about we post on the internet.

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    1. Wow, great food for thought! I may have to consider a similar pact with family members.

      A few months back, I thoughtlessly posted a photo to Instagram of a package I received in the mail—then deleted it shortly thereafter when a concerned friend reminded me that it was unwise to post my address to the WORLDWIDE web. The internet can be a friendly place, but it can also be very dangerous.

      Thank you for your insight.

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      1. Blogging is a means of obtaining recognition and validation for your creations, interests, causes and/or opinions ie. your passions. Knowing that what you publish will be available to everyone on the internet for years to come is critical to blogging responsibly.

        I believe there are many folks who don’t get the fact that what they post online will be online for years to come. Rather than thinking up ways to get around that fact you are sharing what ought to be kept confidential, I recommend not posting your personal family and friend business online at all. Recounting your family and friend spats and antics, even when disguising identities can still can contain information that can cause harm. Presumably risking harming those we love or at least like isn’t worth any amount of page view stats or ad clicks. So if the day ever arrives when I cannot come up with interesting material for publishing engaging blog posts in my personal blog that don’t have potential to harm to those who are close to me or even those who aren’t that close to me then I’ll find another hobby.

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      3. Hi Michelle,
        You posts are always informative, well written and thought provoking and I read them all. The warning conveyed in The million-dollar question(s) is a valuable one.

        In personal blogging when it comes to sharing it all comes down to who do you love? The media are full of stories about the harm that can be done by posting personal stuff online. And, one doesn’t have to be a trained cyber-tracker to witness what’s voluntarily online and be horrified at what people choose “share” just to get page view stats and ad clicks. if you love your family and your friends then you wouldn’t be sharing anything of a personal nature in a blog at all, unless you are inclined to be a gossip or a rumor monger offline, or you are just plain stupid.

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      4. Thanks for the kind words, and for the thoughtful responses. I think that on personal blogs, it *is* a challenge to cut out any sharing re: loved ones, but you can be careful about how/why/when you do it — I hope we’ve gotten some people thinking about where their boundary lines are without putting them off blogging and really appreciate your perspective, which, at the end of the day, is the safest bet.

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  2. I can’t speak for others because it’s none of my business. Drawing the line is a personal thing. I post with a pseudonym, ONLY to protect my family and do my best to consider their feelings and privacy. I may not take much time for correcting punctuation or grammatical errors, but I DO take time to think carefully about my choice of words when I include my family. Words can become weapons so one should use them wisely.

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  3. Before you sit down to write, make sure the people you are going to write about understand, because members of your family can turn round and bite you, because really what do you really know about your family. As for friends, who are your friends, do you trust your friends, I have very few friends, people who are on my twitter are not friends, just because a person comments on my facebook or blogs are not my friends, friends are those who listen and help, they are there when needed, they are ready to answer your texts and ready with a cup of coffee and an ear, friends are real people, not a person on the end of a wire….Real friends keep their stuff between themselves.

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  4. My family members all know about my blog and the fact that I often relate personal stories, and they’re all OK with that. But just to be sure, if I’m planning a post which might embarrass a particular family member, I run it by that person first. My co-workers are always giving me ideas for posts, but those do require a certain amount of judgment, especially since I still need to keep my day job. But pretty much, whatever I post is for public consumption – otherwise I wouldn’t post it at all. (Oh, and feel free to “Freshly Press” any of my posts – please?)

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  5. All good points. I tend towards the middle ground. If I write about family I get permission and don’t use names. If I write an anecdote about non-family, I disguise the circumstances and don’t use names. Sometimes this weakens the story though and makes it less effective.

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  6. I used to blog under a pseudonym and only mentioned one person – my husband – occasionally….but not by name.
    Then I put up a post about his experience as a young child vis a vis his mother – something which could have soured their relationship for life…but which he didn’t allow to do so.
    I did not say that the person whose experience i was describing was my husband.

    Luckily I had comment moderation in place, because I received a shoal of comments from members of his brother’s family containing the most foul abuse of my husband – labelled anonymous, but, from the material and way of referring to my husband the origin was clear.

    I was horrified….more so as the brother and family had not been in touch with my husband for years following the mother’s death and I had had no idea that they were following our lives secretly from the blog….and I had been quite careful to make sure that no one could identify the family.

    And then I was furious…..so I put up a post outlining what had happened and published some of the choice excerpts from the e mails. These people would not get away with firing from the dark.
    Followers of the blog were most kind and sympathetic…..and one of the e mailers wrote to complain that I had put her accusations up for public view!

    But that soured that blog for me. the feeling of being watched by unfriendly eyes.

    I started another, I use my own name and that of my husband…..but not the real names of anyone else – their lives are not mine to lift the corners at will.

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      1. What lesson should I have learned?
        I was careful to keep anonymity.

        I could never have imagined that his brother’s family were ‘stalking’ our lives through the blog.

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      2. I didn’t meant to imply you’d done anything wrong — just that once information is public, you never know who will find it, how they’ll do so, and how it’ll be interpreted.

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  8. this was a good read, not least because it confirmed my own belief in the need to keep family separate. i may have taken great shots of them but i don’t want to ask their permission every time i post one. i do think knowing something about bloggers- even if it is fictitious- makes them more endearing. i guess it depends on the nature of your blog.

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  9. I write a blog about living with a teenager who has OCD. Because he is not at a place in life to decide “Yay” or “Nay” and to protect his privacy and the privacy of my family, I write under a pseudonym and everyone I mention in my blog has a pseudonym. I am also a psychologist and it just wouldn’t seem right for all my patients to know the intimate details of what goes on in my home. My close family members – my husband, my mom, my mother-in-law – all read and follow the blog. It gives them a window into what we are living on a daily basis. On occasion, a post has alarmed one family member or another, so I find I have to contact them ahead of time if there is content that may worry them.

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  10. Great ideas. I am new at this but was just thinking about this the other day–how can I write truthfully without hurting feelings? So glad to know I’m not the only one!

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  14. It’s so helpful to have y’all share your own stories and how you navigate this for yourselves — thanks! After eight years of blogging, I still sometimes pause and wonder, “Should I publish this?” (although my sense of propriety is much more developed now that it was eight years ago, to be sure).

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  15. The other thing to remember is that prospective employers now routinely google you when you apply for a job, so if you use your real name in your blog, you need to ask yourself, would I want my boss to know this? There was a debate in Australia recently when a young woman wrote a newspaper column that criticised employers who google job applicants. She said it was unethical of them to do so, because what people did in their spare time was their own business. As was pointed out to her, however, and as michelle w. says in this post, the reality is that the material is out there in public, to be accessed by anyone at any time and in perpetuity, and that includes employers.

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  16. Very timely, and it’s all stuff I have learned the hard way. My sister has not spoken to me since I referred to her VERY CRYPTICALLY in a post. Truth hurts I guess. No regrets.

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  17. Great post! I especially like the suggestion of picturing yourself talking to a group of people at a party – things that are too private to share in this context should not be out on the internet either. Thinking of it: strangers at a party would probably forget most of the stuff they are told anyway…. but the internet does not forget.

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  18. As I blog about domestic abuse, I couldn’t be able to be as brutally honest as I aim to be, if my friends and family were following it. So, I keep it anonymous but true. I never identify anyone else, either. For me, it’s pretty simple. It sounds counter-intuitive, but being your own editor can allow you to be much freer:)

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  19. mmm, a pseudonym, including facebook, change names, promote to a readership far away – but yeah good point, especially because part of my life is dealing with people that have criminal histories and mentalities, they don’t make the most enlightened and understanding readers…

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  20. I started a “secret blog,” but my husband and kids– curious cats they are– wouldn’t let it be. Sometimes keeping the blog private isn’t easy. Thanks for the tips.

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    1. Some very good points made. Someone once said that using Twitter is like standing in the middle of a busy pub and spouting your opinions at the top of your voice. Not a good idea if we are to believe accounts of happenings after some tweet intended for a few close friends gets broadcast to the whole world, In my opinion twitter is for twits – even if it is selling shares on the stock and making lotsamoney.
      I might rant on my blog about issues I feel strongly about, but try to avoid personal details of friends and family. I suppose even such an innocuous post as “we are off to America for 6 weeks starting tomorrow” might be considered an open invitation to burglars to come round and help themselves while we are away. That was just an example I am NOT off to America for 6 weeks!

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      1. It’s all about privacy settings, even with twitter you can authorise your followers and stop unwanted people viewing your tweets, that was a lesson learned for me

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  21. Great post! I’ve come across other’s blog posts that actually made me think about this subject (albeit briefly). My blog is focused on the services that my company offers, so I don’t usually run into this situation. However, I do include personal reflection posts and have thus far only pictured friends and family in a positive light. Also, I very rarely air my negative concerns with brands online. If I include any of these concerns in a blog post, I don’t use the company’s name. Interested to read the other comments.

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  22. Great post! It made me think about how email taught me a hard lesson. I’m an emotional person. Sometimes, I would write what I really thought about stuff at work. It helped me think, and get my feelings out of my system. Then I could go back and edit – edit – edit. When I finally sent it, people were usually okay with what I thought and how I said it.

    As it turns out, I accidentally hit before I was ready a few times. I paid the price. Now, I don’t put anyone in the TO: box until I’m done. I do the same kind of thing when I blog. I set the publish date in 2113, and have no title, until I am really really ready.

    Silent

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    1. Very smart — I always set the post dates of my drafts in the future, just in case I hit “publish” my accident.

      There’s also something to be said for writing something out of your system, and then keeping it totally private. Get out everything you’d like to say, and that act is often a huge help, no public sharing required.

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  25. My blog lets it all hang out. If my friends and family read my blog there would be hell to pay. Pseudonyms or not they would recognise themselves if they ever stumbled upon my blog.

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  26. oh my. my backside is getting sore from fence sitting via facebook *spit* and twitter. I am a totally anonymous blogger (I’m only on day 2 of my qwertypurge) so I will be self analysing and mud slinging, praising, supporting, loving AND loathing my family and friends from a safe distance. Chances are, if there were to see it somehow, it would do us both some good…..

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  27. Hey, I’m writing about personal experiences from a long time ago and initially decided to tell my story now since the people I would be writing about had severed all contact a very long time ago and we don’t have any mutual friends.

    I thought the coast was clear, so I linked my blog to Twitter, about a week later I’m on the receiving end of a tirade of hate mail from friends of the subject of the blog, which alerted me to some very strange twitter stalking activity on their part. I conceded to changing all names on the blog to create some anonymity, yet they have a ‘damage has already been done’ outlook and seem to think it was too little too late.

    Now it’s come to my attention that they read my blog complete with pseudonyms and interpret them and tell everyone the true life names anyway… I think I just have to accept that when writing from personal experiences you’re not going to please everyone, the hate mail continues but I just try not to let it get to me.

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  28. I believe that candor is always cathartic and if an author is okay with posting a perspective regarding family or friends, then it has to be fair game, because we all no once it is in cyberspace, individual control is forfeited.

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  29. I’m a lawyer and I chose a pseudonym because I do not want all my potential clients to read the personal stuff I’m blogging, mainly poems and pictures. My professional life and my personal life are two different things and since in my professional life I’m more or less a public person, this is a good way to keep things apart. Nevertheless, when I mention friends or family members I always alienate them a little. I do not write fiction but I do not blog about my daily life the way it really takes place, either. It’s something in between, I want to share experience and I hope it’s worth reading. Strangely enough, there are a lot of people who consider this dishonest. A pseudonym? Do you have something to hide? Yes I have, and I think it’s a question of respect and courtesy not to spread out other people’s lifes on the internet. You don’t do that in real life, either (at least we hope so). All that matters is that experiences are being shared, doesn’t it? No matter which way you describe them. Ever since I started blogging in englisch once in a while the effect is that some family members cannot follow the details any longer, since they just do not know enough english 🙂 (Thanks WordPress for the Daily Prompts!). The side-effect was to keep unwanted readers out.

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  30. When I’m a bit frustrated, I write negative about my job because it’s such an uninspiring surrounding (a supermarket, I’m a poor student and have to pay for my pencils 😉 I know it can be risky but I try to write it in a way that it not effects them, I try to make it look like ‘I’m the problem’. But I think that writing (negative) about your family is a whole different story, you can’t fire them..

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