“Names have power,” writes Jena Barchas-Lichtenstein in a recent popular essay, “The Violence of Naming.” We identify ourselves by names: family names, nicknames, the surnames of our partners, pseudonyms, and more. These five essays explore the ties we have (or don’t have) to our names, and the roles that they play in our evolving identities.
“The Violence of Naming,” Jena Barchas-Lichtenstein
Writer and linguistic anthropologist Jena Barchas-Lichtenstein reflects on the power of names to shape our identity — and to highlight both privilege and discrimination.
Sticks and stones can break my bones. What comes next? I’ve heard it two ways: words can never hurt me and words can really hurt me.
For linguistic anthropologists, no question — it’s the latter. Language can, itself, be violence.
“Call You By Your Name,” Roxanne Krystalli, Stories of Conflict and Love
Writer Roxanne Krystalli muses on the journey from Roxani to Roxanne — and back to Roxani again.
When I enrolled in graduate school, things began to change. The registrar insisted that my email address and placard match the spelling of my name on my passport. For the first time since grade school, my name in the classroom was Roxani again. I couldn’t quite correct my professors; Roxani was my name, after all, so I began to lead a bit of a double life. I introduced myself as Roxanne — the only name I had ever called myself in English, and a name most everyone could pronounce. Roxani was reserved for Greece — for childhood, parents, and a different self.
“Ain’t Nothing But a Family Thing,” Matt Miklic
Designer Matt Miklic reflects on childhood, family, and identity.
Robert “Joe” Martin, my grandfather, went to Europe to fight for the U.S. in World War II. During the war, Stari Kot was burned to the ground by Italian soldiers and all its residents were sent to a concentration camp. Marija Miklič, Frances’ grandmother and my great-great-grandmother, died during the march to the camp. After the war, Joe and Frances married and had seven children, including my mom Mary, named for Marija. The American Miklics thrived and grew by the dozens, though along the way, the name continued to decline since most of John’s children were women, and they took their husbands’ names in marriage. Today the last remaining Miklic is my great-uncle Johnny’s wife, our beloved nonagenarian Aunt Lou.
And now me. Not legally yet, but that will come eventually. Thomas is a fine name, and I’ll always remember my late uncle and grandmother Thomas fondly. But your family determines your name at birth, it doesn’t decide it for life. I have always felt more like a Miklic, so a Miklic I shall be.
“How I Changed My Name,” Ellen Kittle, Stickler
When asked if she’d change her name after she got married, Ellen Kittle once replied, “But my name is mine.” Later, as her partner Cam faced a battle with cancer, she pondered the question again — and decided that taking his name was something she wanted to do.
I know many people my age who shed or amend their last names–if not officially, at least on Facebook–in sync with whichever estranged parent they are speaking to, which parent committed infidelity or an equally painful crime. Some pick up the names of step parents who have become parents in everything but biology; others take their husband’s name without any audible murmur of uncertainty. My name has never felt like something I can shed easily, putting on a new one; not like going off to college and deciding to tell all your new friends your name is Liz rather than Beth. Were it not for this cosmic wallop to the head, I would still be on the fence. I do know now that for me it’s the right thing; for Cam and I to share the same name.
“The Mystery of Carl Miller,” Sarah Miller, Longreads
Author Sarah Miller writes about the unknown history and identity of her father’s father — and how her last name is just the word that comes after her first name.
“So where did she get the last name Miller?” I said.
“I don’t know,” my father said. “I guess she made it up.”
I thought this was seriously the most thrilling thing I had ever heard in my life. Not only did we not know who my father’s father was, our last name meant absolutely nothing. I thought about the number of times I had heard, “This means your ancestors milled flour or corn” and I had always been like “Yeah maybe” but mostly “What does that have to do with me?” Now I knew. Nothing. My last name had nothing to do with me.
Want more? Read some of our favorite personal essays.
I think all writers love names. When I was a teenager, I found out at camp that my first and middle names together mean bitter warrior. The other girls in the cabin and the counselor consoled me and told me that I was sweet. After camp, I told my sister about it, and she changed my perception by saying it was a cool meaning. Lost my essay about it in the great computer crash of ’16.
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Interesting, I read the meaning of my first name on net on kabalarian philosophy website, I was shocked how these guys really kno these things, where on earth does one study such from?
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Just sharing- I’m from Mauritius, and my borth name is Kim Chong Wong Sik Hee, which is my chinese first and surname. Born and lived in a french colony country, i was known as thierry. I then went to study abroad. Only then realised that my name is not actually thierry and i should be introduced as kim chong in class, so then I lived a life with two names. Academically, my lecturers and classmates knew me as kim chong, but the rest- my friends- knew me as thierry. And as it is a french name, it was almost impossible for them to pronounce it because of the French “R”s as they all were english speaking. Then after some times, i accepted getting called any of the two but felt that Wong Sik Hee was way too long, and wanted everyone to call me Wong only instead. As i grew up, i understood more about my heritage and decided wong sik hee was precious to me. And thierry as well. Living in this social media, I decided to change the spelling to thieri, that made it a little more unique. And i knew that the username thieriwong would be available all around the internet.
Name matters, strangely…
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Wow, what a name journey!
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I love this one.
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I am from Tamilnadu, the southern most state of India. In our part of the country, the grand children used to be named after their grand parents. Through the name, you can find out with some degree of certainty which family that person was a member of. I bear the name of my grand father. It is a little old-fashioned. Lately, the children, after they are grown up, change the name if they believe their name is a little old-fashioned. But I never wanted to drop the name of my grandfather. Most children of the present generation refuse to take their grand parents’ names. Knowing pretty well their children would discard the old-fashioned names of their grandparents after they grow up, the parents themselves have discontinued with the practice of naming their children after their parents.
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Thanks for sharing that bit of culture with us. It’s quite interesting and unfortunate.
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I know about that tradition! It is amazing that you’ve kept your name anyways, I think that that is really cool.
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I’m proud of my grandfather’s name.
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I liked this story. Living with dissociative identity disorder, names are very important, names tell about you, e.g. negative power of name from others you had to carry as a child; or in case of abolishing your birth name. Names have power, thank you for this very interesting post!
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I actually just wrote a post this morning about abolishing our birth names and then I find this topic being discussed tonight.
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Thank you for this hint, I will read your story.
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is this true story?
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These pieces are all nonfiction or memoir, yes.
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“Name” a word that most of the time will guide you.
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This was a refreshing read. Thank you! 🙂
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I agree, which is why I changed my name, too. There is power in a name.
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Depending which country one lives and continues to be there, names can have a certain power. I appreciate the “violence” of a name where the person had no initial choice. I am more hopeful and forward looking in positivity than…violence. And I know, because my last name has sneered where racist remarks were made as a child in Canada at times. But it is a last name I wear proudly.
I’m a strong believer to find ways to “wear” the best name and be the person positively with your family heritage somewhere in your first/middle or last name, waaay beyond what others think. I think most complex is someone seeing your name BUT not meeting you and knowing you in person face to face. Not even just on the Internet.
My partner has a full German name which he uses ..it is his LEGAL name on documents and birth certificate. He has an Anglo short first name that is totally different and used for acquaintances and business. It took him several years into adulthood to claim with pride his full German name. Most certainly he uses it for any Europeans he meets….we’ve gone past WWII with upcoming generation.
He was born just before WWII in Germany before the war ended.
I have a middle Chinese female name which I had no clue what it meant until I was in university. It is beautiful…it means “orchid”. Tell your child the meaning of their name when they are old enough to write it.
Heal thyself by embracing your family heritage for the names bestowed to you…for those who don’t have an Anglo sounding name as someone living in Canada or the U.S.
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Wonderful stories!!
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wow!
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I was with a group of women recently, my cousin was getting married, and we started talking about last names. It stuck with me so much that I published a post about it today. Now I click discover to find all of this wonderful work dedicated to the subject. A well-rounded day. My first name is Lyz-Stephanie. I has caused confusion. My parents, who immigrated to America, were unsure how Americans would spell Lyz, so they spelled it phonetically as they would pronounce it. They decided to hyphenate so that everyone was sure to know that they were both equally my first name.
Why? My father wanted to name me Miralise after his mother. My mother said heck no. So they settled on Lyz, which was considered to short and without substance. So they added Stephanie, from my father Stephen. So now that he was involved, he no doubt wasn’t looking to be an afterthought.
My name has always seemed too long and cumbersome for me to introduce myself by the entire thing. So I’ve had a teacher insist my name was actually Elizabeth and that I only said Lyz-Stephanie to get attention and seem different. Where was her class roster, I wonder? I’ve also had friends who’ve known me for years never know my full name and assuming it was Elizabeth as well. Seriously, if I ever passed out in public and a police officer asked my friend my full name, they’d probably have provided the wrong one! This also irks my father.
I’ve been trying lately to say my name is Lyz. Lyz-Stephanie. It still feels excessive, but hopefully it’s one of those things that get to feel more natural with time.
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my name have been spelled and pronounced wrongly so many times. the name “Jamie” is unisex. but i guess they didn’t want to offend me by thinking that i’m a guy so they spelled it “Jaime” instead. but what they’re really doing is stripping out my identity, but they don’t see it the way that i do. because misspelling is just a mistake.
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There’s definitely power in a name. A name is definitive. But fortunately, it’s not absolute. No one has to live with a name which they’re not comfortable with.
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So good ! *-*
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i never ever had an idea that “it can be so difficult to people’s with long names” but now i wonder it is way more different from the people with short names
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I’ve always been called countless different nicknames growing up and it doesn’t mean much until it hits you the wrong way. There is something about your true, full name that when you hear it, it gives you a sense of pride. But for instance, on my blog account I don’t even use my name anywhere. Why? It’s mysterious… I don’t feel I have to live up to my own name and the expectations that go with it.
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Your name is your identity.
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Whether we admit it ie not, there is power in the name we choose for ourselves. Good post @❤
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Fascinating! Especially given how the word name has traditionally carried connotations of identity.
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Your personality or attitude may add power to name or the very name influence your attitude.I am NARA SIMHA which means I am lion among humans
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To be a good storyteller, you should learn about life and have real-life experiences.
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A name is so powerful. My childhood friend changed her last name once she reached 18. She didn’t want to be associated with all of the negative things connected to her original last name. It was so empowering for her and she felt she had the chance to start over and become her true self. Who turned out to be pretty wonderful!
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i love this
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This touched me. I remember sitting in Pre-Cana Classes and telling my fiancé I didn’t want to change my name. It was mine, how I identified myself, and made me feel close to my family. I loved my name, particularly because I was so close to my grandfather and it was his name that I would have to give up. Ultimately, this became a topic of discussion and all of the “counselours” attempted to convince me that taking my soon to be husband’s name was the “right thing to do.” Needless to say, I was not convinced. It was not until he told me that he would not marry me if I refused to take his name. Young, immature, and blinded by what I thought was love, I gave in and changed my name. Thirteen months after we were married we were Blessed with a healthy son who was naturally given his father’s name. Four years later I found myself a divorced single mother carrying a name I never wanted. That being said, I have decided to keep my married name for the sake of my son.
Two years ago I was remarried to a wonderful man whom is undoubtedly the love of my life. When I broached the name situation he was wonderfully understanding telling me to do whatever I thought was best for our son.
In short, ones name is ones identity.
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Interesting. Thanks!
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In my country married women don’t amend her last name as their husband’s. I love my family’s last name. I don’t get it why many women take their husband’s name? I totally agree with the power in the name. But it’s not absolute. It’s more important to add my influence to name. My name means beautifully forever and I am trying to do live like it not just in appearance but also in heart.
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Beautiful
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This is so good 🙂
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In China they recommend students to have an English name which annoys me. You will see all weird names like Oxygen in China (seriously I have colleague named that). After coming to Australia 6 years ago I just use my Chinese name everywhere at work and in life. People respect me and I love my name as it’s mine.
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I think name process its special place.
Its sounds hilarious but the fact is without names lets imagine this world how peoples are talking how they are addressing things,means even that seems quite adventures and crazy but without it we can, imagine how the world be………
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Names play a special part in everyone’s life. i feel a name should describe and explain how parents feel on the day they put to bed.
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Names do matter and as someone who’s name has been mispronounced almost all my life, when someone says it right or at least attempts to it shows great respect and immediately makes that person more likeable to me.
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I must say, I am quite fascinated by your article.
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Such and interesting post! Awesome!
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When I got married, I took my husband’s name; it was the custom. I gave up college and my own dreams of a career, to suport my husband thru grad school and his success. It was the custom. I did for that 5 years. I had no life, I lived only in the shadow of his. He didn’t like my name, Victoria, so he always called me Vic. When I got divorced, I took back my maiden name because I had no reason to want his, but really because I thought if I ever did anything good or fine in the world, I would do it for my father, and he would be proud. It would be 2 more decades before I took back my whole name for myself. My Yaiya told me when I was very young, “There is power in names…” And I wrote about that in my book (Victory Is My Name, a Memoir – to be published in early 2018 I hope, ) and I know that it’s true. My Yaiya’s name was Sophia, which means wisdom.
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This is a very interesting article. I have a very common name and last name and I dislike it very much because I feel there’s nothing unique about me. I want to change it, but I am also attached to it. I think I want to change because I’ve made an identity for myself, but also feel my name has made me create that. Still unaware of my decision. Great article anyways!
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There is everything unique about you. To say or think otherwise is an echo of what somebody else told you, probably when you were very young, and as a good person, you unconsciously have tried to be that. It’s not true. There is no one else like you, I promise. Give yourself a small gift of some time – in a private place where you can have quiet and solitude. Sit with yourself, and ask you inner Sef for the answer. Not who am !? But who does my heart know I am, and I long to be, but I have forgotten how? The answer will come, even if not right away, Return again in the evening and the morning, all by yourself. It’s sometimes good to write down the wandering, spontaneous, non-logical thoughts that come. Often I don’t realize what I have really been feeling until I have read back what I have written without judging, or worrying about what it would say. Your true name may not be the one you were given at birth.
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Never Knew name could matter so much for till now ,I used to just look for the person behind a name, the kind of human being he/she is..and I still believe that Name is just a referral , not even an introduction to the kind of person one is..Nevertheless, I really found your write up very interesting 😊
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Intresting story, where did you get the info from?
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All of these excerpts are pulled from personal essays by other bloggers — each piece links to the original post.
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Amazing stories..i agree that names have power !!
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Great essay. This reminds us of The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri — a great work of fiction that tackles some of the issues of naming.
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