Oh, while I'm at it, I should also encourage you to go check out my cover article on the latest issue of the Toronto Xtra, entitled "Sex in This City." It's a rundown of my take on four different sex-positive venues in the fine town of TO, in the context of the city's changes since the 2005 Supreme Court ruling that legalized private sexual gatherings. I'm just grouchy that I was out of town when they did the photo shoot. Hot damn, those are some sexy models! Grumble. I'll just have to console myself with the thought that my words got 'em naked. Okay, so it's a bit of a stretch, but please allow me my small pleasures.

And a quick note for those who were planning to attend tomorrow night's Café Scientifique ("He’s a player, she gets played: Challenging gendered stereotypes about youth sexual health") at Buddies - it's cancelled. Or rather, postponed until further notice. What a bummer. Good thing there's still a female ejaculation workshop to keep me busy that night. Heh.

Moving right along... here's that address!

***

We all know that communication can be challenging between two people… let alone three, or four, or twelve. More often that we’d care to admit (myself included), our communication approaches rest on a range of assumptions. Of course making assumptions always gets us into trouble, but we still do it. Have you ever assumed you knew what the plan was for the weekend, who was bringing the condoms, where you’d be meeting up with your new date, how many partners someone has, whether or not you define “poly” the same way as the person you’re cruising? Yeah. Me too.

Assumptions get made when we forget that we may function with…

• Different definitions of terms or use of language
• Different values – and it’s even more confusing when some of them are the same and others aren’t!
• Different tastes and preferences
• Different goals, ambitions, and definitions of failure vs success
• Different emotional reactions and patterns, such as ways of experiencing jealousy or anger or even joy

Now, the same kinds of problems we encounter within our intimate relationships, we can also see in the ways different groups deal with one another. Especially between different elements of a loosely related community, things can get even more complex—like, say, between heterosexual(ish) married polyamorous tantrikas and radical non-monogamous queers.

To illustrate one of the ways this seems to play out, I’ll refer to a discussion* I had online with someone just over a year ago. Her name is Janet Kira Lessin. She and her husband live in Maui and they run the School of Tantra and the World Polyamory Association. They speak at poly and tantric conferences all over the world. Janet frequently posts essays she writes about tantric connections and polyamory on various lists, including the Poly Canada list, of which I’m a member.

(*I should clarify that it was more like she posted an essay and I responded to it. The discussion ended there and I have no idea if she even read what I wrote. Oh well.)

Before I launch into this, I should mention that I’m very interested in tantra. In fact in the last couple of years I’ve found myself increasingly drawn to the principles and practices of tantric sex, because something has to be able to explain the kind of intense spiritual and physical energy that I’ve experienced in my sexual and BDSM play. So I’ve been reading and taking workshops—Barbara Carellas in particular has a wonderful take on the topic, with her recent book Urban Tantra.

I should also say that I’m not out to get Janet in particular. I am, however, going to play our discussion out as a perfect example of the sorts of problems we run into when people (and communities of people) like Janet encounter people (and communities of people) like me. Janet simply did an excellent job of putting into words the precise things I’ve observed at various conferences and discussions, and sometimes just in the flavour of things in certain poly environments, so I’d like to thank her for helping me figure out where these intra-community differences lie.

Now, Janet lays out a number of ideas that I can totally stand behind. In her list, "The Benefits of Being in the Polyamorous Lifestyle," she mentions things like the following:

• "Learning & growing within yourself & with your partners. This makes you happier & healthier therefore your relationships are happier & healthier.
• Cutting back on all the cheating & lying that goes on in mainstream relationships
• It takes a village to raise a child. Guess what... now you have more adults to do just that.
• If you are bi, you don’t have to give up one gender for the other.
• Financially even though people still have to work in a poly family, there is more to go around because there are more people contributing.
• Building a community where everyone around you doesn’t judge you, is open & honest."

That last one is a bit of a problem, as when I read her list I actually felt very much judged. And the most significant place where things started to go wrong was around the question of sex. I’ll get to that in a second.

The next part of her essay is about the traits of a true polyamorous person. It starts with, "Any true poly will tell you that…"

You know that’s a bad sign. Much like in the BDSM community we have the "One True Way" phenomenon. I'm sure you've heard of it - you’re a real dominant if your slaves make every meal for you. You’re only a true submissive if you give over control of your finances to your dominant. You’re only really a masochist if you can have an orgasm when someone canes you.

Of course, this is all bullshit. So my warning bells went off as soon as I read the header.

Janet writes, "Even though we respect & embrace our sensuality, we are not swingers or polysexuals, so we don't focus on the sexual or disrespect the very essence of sexuality & all its glory."

And my response is that placing an excessive emphasis on sex may be disrespectful, depending on how it’s done, but I don't think that focusing on the sexual is intrinsically a form of disrespect for it.

Also, while I certainly am not a swinger myself, and I find the swing culture to be highly misogynistic and homophobic and just generally kinda gross, I know a number of poly people who are also swingers, and vice versa. While the subcultural boundaries might be pretty clear, in actual fact people cross them and blur them more often than you might like.

I took the time to attend intro-to-swinging workshops, read several swingers’ association websites, get tours of more than one swingers’ club and attend a couple of events before declaring I wasn’t a member of the subculture. And even then, I don’t believe the underlying principle of sexual freedom is a bad one; I just don’t fit well with the predominant way that sexual freedom plays out in that particular culture.

Now here’s where she started to tread on some sensitive territory for me, beyond the basics. She writes, "We aren’t swingers, so we don’t use swinger terms & for the most part, most polyamorous people would never use the words... slut, whore, queer, fag etc. These are derogatory & demeaning to a person’s character plus in no way to these words have a positive meaning behind them."

That, my friends, is a gross generalization, and shows a lack of understanding of the very people those words refer to. When people say things like this, I always want to ask, if you think that calling someone a (insert controversial reclaimed word here), have you ever met one?

Let’s take the word "slut." Keep in mind the biggest-selling non-monogamy book of all time is called The Ethical Slut and its authors explicitly and proudly refer to themselves as sluts. I don’t personally like the term, and I don’t use it for myself, but I wouldn’t presume to dictate or judge others’ use of it.

Now let’s talk about whores for a minute. I have another book title to recommend: Whores and Other Feminists by Jill Nagle. A wonderful anthology about sex work and feminism, very enlightening. While "whore" is often used as an insult when directed at sex workers by those who disrespect them, it’s also used very positively and even affectionately among sex workers and their allies. Plus, there are poly sex workers out there... several of my friends and intimates, for starters. I’m not a sex worker myself, but I consider myself an ally and have done a lot of work with Montreal’s sex worker rights and support association. I was very flattered when a sex work activist said to me once, "Oh my goodness, I thought you were a whore!" To her, that was like calling me a sister, and I took it like the compliment it was. We can have a whole discussion about sex work some other time, but suffice it to say that there are lots of amazing people out there doing sex work in ways that have nothing to do with criminal activity, non-consent or the basic disrespect of humankind.

Queer. Let’s talk about queer!

I happen to be very proudly queer, and use that term quite liberally to describe myself—and the term has a lot of positive meaning within my community. It’s also got academic validity—google "queer theory" for example, and you’ll see numerous academic works and programs of study with the word quite happily in place. It’s derogatory if you yell "fucking queers" while throwing a beer bottle out the window of your truck at a same-sex couple walking down the street, but don’t try to tell me I can’t use the word as a positive, strong and accurate description of myself and my peers.

This is similar to the word fag. Much like "dyke" and "tranny" and other such terms, "fag" is widely used in the queer community. Some older gay and lesbian people still associate those words too strongly with a history of oppression to be comfortable with their casual use, but younger generations of the community are perfectly comfortable with them when they’re used by queers and allies (again, not so much when hurled as an insult). And again—there are poly fags out there.

I said it was going to hinge on sex, right? Here’s where she really gets going.

Janet writes, "We use the words ‘love’, ‘long term relationships’ & commitment when we talk. We aren’t crude, rude & talk about sex 24/7."

So. I’m a sex geek. Is talking about sex a lot necessarily the same thing as being crude and rude about it? I’m a sex educator. I write about sex; I teach about sex; I give interviews about sex; I read about sex and study it at school. Really, it’s pretty close to 24/7, all things considered. And I don’t think I’m the least bit crude or rude. Unless the situation calls for it, which is probably no more frequent in my life than in anyone else’s. (Not to mention I can’t help but raise an eyebrow when someone who runs a tantric poly commune says she doesn’t talk about sex a lot… given her life choices and vocation, how exactly does she manage to avoid it? And why would one want to learn about poly and tantra from someone who doesn’t like to talk about sex? But I digress.)

Janet writes, "We don’t consider humans sex objects or seek out people for self gratification. That's disrespectful of humankind."

Agreed. But objectifying people and using them for self-gratification is not the same thing as sharing sexual experiences with people outside the context of a committed relationship. That is quite an equation to posit. Also, sadly, being in a committed relationship is no guarantee that there’s no objectification or self-gratification going on. Wouldn’t it be nice if things were that simple…

Janet writes, "Polys are NOT here for sex or sex play !"

And I’d respond that we’re certainly not having problems with marriage laws, child custody and society’s prejudice for all those multiple non-sexual relationships we get into... now are we? Of course sex may or may not be the first or most important thing we seek out in a relationship, but from there to saying we’re not here for sex... simply not true.

Of course, it’s unhealthy to pathologically pursue empty, meaningless sex with strangers, but that simply isn’t the way every non-committed sexual encounter takes place.

It seems like there's a subset of poly folks who are so intent upon the "purity" of poly that they forget, or would like to forget, the natural human instinct to fuck. Sometimes sex is deep and meaningful, sometimes it’s superficial and fun. Sometimes it happens in the context of a 20-year-long relationship, sometimes it happens with a person you’ve known for two hours and will never see again. Sometimes it’s rough and fast, sometimes it’s sweet and sensual. Attributing validity to only one kind of it, and only then behind closed doors and closed mouths, only serves to alienate the people who are proudly poly and do their sex in other ways (often in addition to, not instead of, the long-term committed kind), and to dismiss the incredible richness and power of other kinds of experiences.

This brings to mind an experience I had a couple of years ago. I attended a poly workshop at a conference in which a well-known speaker turned up her nose at fetishists and people who do BDSM, saying that they didn’t see sex as the spiritual union it’s supposed to be. I was appalled at her prejudice and lack of comprehension. I have met some of the most highly spiritual people I know among BDSMers and fetishists, and we often incorporate intense spiritual meaning to what we do in bed (and out of it). In fact, in my experience, people who pursue the intensity of BDSM are often some of the most spiritually articulate people out there; with the exception of some people’s (potentially enjoyable) Catholic guilt, we just happen to refuse the separation of the sacred and the profane, choosing instead to view them as parts of a whole that’s worthy of exploration as such. The BDSM community is blessed with a plethora of writers, speakers, conferences, websites, online discussion groups and other cultural manifestations of deep engagement with and commitment to spiritual growth. You don’t even have to look that hard.

I’m always puzzled by people who live out one non-traditional way of doing relationships and/or sex and/or gender, and who want so badly to remain acceptable to the mainstream that they loudly disavow any association with other non-traditional groups, or deliberately misunderstand them, or simply fail to learn enough about them to accurately represent them, even if they don’t share their views. It seems to me that alternative communities make much better allies than enemies, especially since so many people are members of more than one non-traditional group at once.

People often seem to think that the only way to deal with clueless non-poly folks’ assumptions—i.e. that poly is "all about sex"—is to go too far in the other direction and say "it’s not about sex at all." In truth, poly relationships are as much about sex as any non-poly romantic relationship is—in other words, sex may not be the be-all and end-all, but you’re kidding yourself if you think it’s not important! I posted about this in the first two weeks of my blogging career, and have banged away at the same point more than once (like here), but dammit, it just seems to keep coming up.

All of this to say that while I agree with and stand behind many of the values that Janet lays out in her list, when it comes to sexuality, I’m not interested in the sex-negativity, judgmentalism and general lack of understanding that the above points convey. I find it really unfortunate when people explain poly in this way because it leaves out substantial numbers of people who adhere to a poly relationship style and creates an unnecessary and inaccurate hierarchy that ultimately does nobody any favours.

I did check out John’s site though, and I liked the idea – a sort of Facebook-style interface for kinky people. So I joined… and I totally loved it. After a few weeks I killed my Alt.com profile (what a waste of my time) and have been happily FetLifed ever since. But I never got around to posting a review here.

Not long ago, a friend of mine from Montreal casually mentioned that she was volunteering as a greeter for the site – because John insisted on welcoming every new member with a personalized greeting. She said there were 30 such volunteers because the site was growing in leaps and bounds, with hundreds of new people joining every day.

Needless to say I smelled a scoop. So I sent in a pitch to the Montreal Mirror (since John’s a Montrealer), did a very cool interview – he’s really quite the character! – and voilà. Check out my article in this week’s paper. Enjoy! And of course, feel free to look me up on FetLife and say hello. (Unless you're a stalker. Then please go away.)

***

Meanwhile, across the provincial border, it would appear that fall is in full sexy swing in Toronto. There are a ton of cool things happening for the sexually geeky in September and October. I’ve got my picks summarized here, with links and details for each event posted below in case you’re interested! Really, it’s quite the impressive line-up. I’ve been rather lax in the “blogging about thought-provoking events” department in the last month or two (blame it on summertime) but I will aim to be more disciplined in the future, ‘cause there are just that many excellent occasions that will be well worth writing about!

So here goes.

September 16 has two events of note. At least they’re running one directly after the other so with a well-timed cab ride I should be able to make it to both!

The first is the CIHR Café Scientifique hosted by the Institute of Gender and Health, on the topic of “He's a player, she gets played: Challenging gendered stereotypes about youth sexual health.” It’s at 5 p.m. at Buddies In Bad Times Theatre.

The second is Shannon Bell’s famous Female Ejaculation Workshop at Come As You Are, which runs 7:30 to 11 p.m. I’ve been wanting to go to this for years, and it never seems to fall on a date when I’m in town. Yay for squirting!

September 22-28 is Sacred Sex Week at Good For Her. They’ve got a ton of cool workshops going on. For starters, Sheri Winston is teaching two workshops and I strongly encourage anyone who’s interested in sexual energy to check them out. I can’t say enough good things about her – she’s definitely one of the most knowledgeable people I’ve ever met when it comes to women’s anatomy and sacred sexuality, and just a whole lot of fun to boot. Sheri rocks. Other treats include a variety of workshops on sexuality and sex-positivity from the perspectives of several non-Western cultures. And I’m definitely taking Boi M to the sexy partner yoga class. Yum.

And just when the focus on body knowledge needs to be balanced out by some good ol’ intellectual stimulation, there are three consecutive launches in the space of three days… I’m telling you, this is gonna be a good week.

The first is the Bisexuality, Mental Health and Emotional Well-Being Research Project Community Forum and Celebration on Tuesday, September 23 (which just happens to be International Celebrate Bisexuality Day) at the Sherbourne Centre. The group will be launching the results of their research study. MMmmm. Brain food.

The second, on Wednesday, September 24, is a book launch of Miriam Smith’s new work Political Institutions and Lesbian and Gay Rights in the United States and Canada, which looks at the differences between queer political progress in the two countries, followed by a screening of Nancy Nicol’s 54-minute documentary One Summer in New Paltz: A Cautionary Tale. It all goes down at the Gladstone.

Last but not least, on Thursday, September 25, there’s a book launch for Reclaiming Eros: Sacred Whores and Healers by Suzanne Blackburn and Margaret Wade at WonderWorks on Harbord.

That same night – back to the body we go – there’s a women and trans bathhouse event. The details aren’t up on the website yet but I promise it is indeed happening.

Friday night, September 26, is the annual Bi Bash, an evening of fun and entertainment by and for bisexuals and their friends. Last year it was a blast; this year it’s at Goodhandy’s so doubtless it’ll be even better.

That weekend I’m teaching two workshops at Come As You Are. The first is “Hole Lotta Lovin’: An Anal Play Workshop” on Saturday the 27, and the second is “Body Language: Creating Erotic Scenes” on Sunday 28. Tell all your friends about them! Check out my Workshops page for more info.

And coming up in October – Saturday the 4th to be specific – the GRUE comes to Toronto! GRUE stands for Graydancer’s Ropetastic Unconference Extravaganza, run by my friend JP and super-awesome rope bondage nerd and all-round good guy Graydancer. The concept is a very cool one: a bunch of people interested in rope bondage (and other lovely things) get together in a big space and come up with a conference on the spot, with people sharing knowledge and asking questions on a variety of topics. The concept sounds chaotic but apparently it works out really well, plus tickets for the day are only $40. I hope to make it. Whee!

*****

DETAILS! Click on the links here (included when available) or scroll down for more info on each event.

• Sept. 16: CIHR Café Scientifique “He's a player, she gets played: Challenging gendered stereotypes about youth sexual health”
• Sept. 16: Shannon Bell’s Female Ejaculation Workshop at Come As You Are
• Sept. 22-28: Sacred Sex Week at Good For Her
• Sept. 23: Bisexuality, Mental Health and Emotional Well-Being Research Project Community Forum and Celebration
• Sept. 24: US/Canada: Queer Politics Today book launch and film premiere event - Miriam Smith’s book Political Institutions and Lesbian and Gay Rights in the United States and Canada and Nancy Nicol’s documentary One Summer in New Paltz: A Cautionary Tale
• Sept. 25: Book launch for Reclaiming Eros: Sacred Whores and Healers by Suzanne Blackburn and Margaret Wade
• Sept. 25: Women and trans bathhouse
• Sept. 26: Bi Bash 2008
• Sept. 27: I’m teaching at Come As You Are! “Hole Lotta Lovin’: An Anal Play Workshop” 
• Sept. 28: I’m teaching at Come As You Are! “Body Language: Creating Erotic Scenes” 
• Oct. 4: GRUE Toronto

***

** Free public event. Please distribute widely.**

CIHR Café Scientifique hosted by the Institute of Gender and Health
He's a player, she gets played: Challenging gendered stereotypes about youth sexual health

Tuesday, September 16, 2008, 5:00 p.m.
Buddies in Bad Times Theatre
12 Alexander Street, Toronto
Light refreshments provided
Please RSVP: ea-igh@exchange.ubc.ca

Young people of all genders and sexualities are sexually active; the average age that Canadians first have sex is 17. So why is it when a girl is sexually active, she can be considered to be easy, but when a guy is sexually active he can be called a stud? How do these gendered stereotypes affect young people's physical, emotional and sexual health? How do they intersect with race, class, and oppression? In what ways do these stereotypes influence how parents, teachers, researchers and health care providers talk and think about youth sexual health? Join us as we challenge these stereotypes in a lively
discussion with experts in the field of youth sexual health.

If you have accessibility needs, please contact the organizers and we will do our best to accommodate you.

The expert speakers featured at the Café are:

- Dr. Sarah Flicker, Assistant Professor, Faculty of Environmental Studies, York University
- Dr. Jean Shoveller, Associate Professor, School of Population and Public Health, University of British Columbia
- Jessica Yee, Founder & Director, Native Youth Sexual Heath Network

The event is moderated by Dr. Joy Johnson, Scientific Director, CIHR Institute of Gender and Health.

What is a Café Scientifique?
Remember when you used to spend untold hours sitting around a table over a beer or coffee with your friends, solving all the problems of the world, debating all the "big questions" of the day? Café Scientifique is, simply put, a larger and slightly more organized version of those conversations. It's an opportunity to bring together researchers with members of the public to spark a discussion about some of the most interesting - and sometimes contentious - research currently underway in Canada.

What is CIHR?
The Canadian Institutes of Health Research (CIHR) is the Government of Canada's agency for health research. CIHR's mission is to create new scientific knowledge and to catalyze its translation into improved health, more effective health services and products, and a strengthened Canadian health-care system. Composed of 13 Institutes, CIHR provides leadership and support to more than 11,000 health researchers and trainees across Canada. www.cihr-irsc.gc.ca

For more information about this event, please contact:

Zena Sharman
Assistant Director | Directrice adjointe
Institute of Gender and Health | Institut de la santé des femmes et des hommes
Canadian Institutes of Health Research (CIHR) | Instituts de recherche en
santé du Canada (IRSC)
University of British Columbia,  Room 208, 2259 Lower Mall, Vancouver, BC  V6T 1Z4
zsharman@exchange.ubc.ca
Telephone | Téléphone 604-827-3284
Facsimile | Télécopieur 604-822-1622
Government of Canada | Gouvernement du Canada

***

Female Ejaculation Workshop

Returning with her popular seminar, Shannon Bell will discuss female ejaculation from a historical perspective, followed by an overview of anatomy and technique, plus a demonstration. Learn about female ejaculation, see the real live clitoris (g-spot), and discover new techniques.

Tuesday, September 16, 2007. 7:30 – 10:00pm (For women, trans people, and men accompanied by a woman.)
Where: Come As You Are
Cost:$30/person (Sliding Scale Available)

***

Bisexuality, Mental Health and Emotional Well-Being Research Project Community Forum and Celebration

Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Time: 7:00pm - 9:00pm
Location: Sherbourne Health Centre, 333 Sherbourne Street
Phone: 416 260-4138
Email: bisexual_health@camh.net

The goal of this community-based research project was to better understand the factors that affect mental health and emotional well-being among bisexual people across Ontario. We also hoped to learn what services bisexuals find helpful and what services they wish existed to address their emotional and mental health needs. Over 50 people participated in the research and we are pleased to be able to share our findings on September 23, which is Celebrate Bisexuality Day!

Join us at the community forum to:
- celebrate the completion of the project
- learn about the research results
- connect with bi community and resources
- enjoy a reading by Debra Anderson, author of Code White – “an innovative story of psychiatric confinement, rippling with sardonic humour, sexual tension, and rebellious honesty, in a setting that often lacks all three”

All are welcome at this free event. Light refreshments provided. RSVPs are encouraged but not required: 1-866-371-6667 or (416) 260-4138 or bisexual_health@camh.net

This project is a partnership between Sherbourne Health Centre’s LGBTT Program and the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health and has been sponsored by the Community Research Capacity Enhancement Program of the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health.

***
WEDNESDAY, SEP 24, 2008
7PM-9PM

US/CANADA: QUEER POLITICS TODAY

FILM PREMIERE AND BOOK LAUNCH
Political Institutions and Lesbian and Gay Rights in the United States and Canada by Miriam Smith, Routledge 2008.
One Summer in New Paltz, a cautionary tale (54 min., 2008) by Nancy Nicol
With Performance by: D-lishus: poet mother fire goddess diva storyteller, dispensing words of wisdom, laced with dub and framed by womanly hips, hard hitting political sistah telling it like it is.

What accounts for the rapid pace of change for lesbian and gay rights in Canada compared with the laggard status in the US? What inspired 1000s of lesbian and gays, as well as straight mayors, city officials and clergy across the US to engage in civil disobedience for the right to marry? How do issues and legacies of racism, nationalism, political and legal institutions play a role in the same-sex marriage debate in the US and Canada?

BOOK LAUNCH: Political Institutions and Lesbian and Gay Rights in the United States and Canada
Miriam Smith examines why these similar societies have produced such divergent policy outcomes, focusing on how differences between the political institutions of the US and Canada have shaped the terrain of social movement and counter-movement mobilization. Miriam will briefly explain why dry topics such as federalism, state constitutions and the division of powers are relevant to queer rights.

FILM PREMIERE: One Summer in New Paltz, a cautionary tale (54 minutes, 2008)

Director/Producer Nancy Nicol will introduce the film.
Set against a backdrop of the Bush administration's policy of endless war and assault on civil liberties, One Summer in New Paltz is a cautionary tale of a young mayor of a small village who decided to do the unthinkable.

President Bush's call for an amendment to the Constitution of the United States to enshrine a heterosexual definition of marriage ignited a wave of civil disobedience same-sex marriages across the USA. One Summer in New Paltz focuses on the small village of New Paltz, NY, where the mayor Jason West began performing same-sex marriages on the steps of village hall and 1000s of couples flooded the village seeking to be married. The film goes on to document civil disobedience same-sex marriages and demonstrations across New York State, the Nyack Ten legal suit against New York State and the first day of legal same-sex marriages in Boston Massachusetts in May 2004.

One Summer in New Paltz probes into the debate on same-sex marriage examining the intersection of same-sex marriage, war, the Constitution, race and the family. A strong work about grass roots organizing, straight/gay alliances and confrontation with state repression from an intersectional perspective.

With special thanks to: Inside Out Lesbian and Gay Film and Video Festival, Night at the Indies and Meow films, Atkinson Faculty of Liberal and Professional Studies, Sexuality Studies, and the Faculty of Fine Arts, York University and Vtape

Contact Name: Nancy Nicol
Email: nnicol@yorku.ca
Phone: 416.656.3415

***

Thursday September 25 7-9 pm
Book Launch for Reclaiming Eros: Sacred Whores and Healers
With Suzanne Blackburn, FREE! No pre-registration required
At WonderWorks (79A Harbord Street)

In this new revolutionary book, Suzanne Blackburn and Margaret Wade, Suade Publishing, challenge us to examine what roles eroticism and sexuality play in our lives, how we regard these powerful forces and how we might, if we dare, change our beliefs. Reclaiming Eros puts sexuality back where it belongs - with all of life that is sacred and beautiful. Hear her read, ask questions and get your own copy personally signed!

***

Bi Bash 2008
Host: Toronto Bisexual Network
Friday, September 26, 2008 at 8:00pm
Goodhandy's, 120 Church Street
Email: info@torontobinet.org

Join the Toronto Bisexual Network for a kick-ass party for bisexuals and our friends, showcasing local bi talent and performances celebrating bisexuality. Our variety show will feature: Burlesque, Spoken Word, Musical Performances, Hula Hoop Dancing, Zombie Burlesque and more!

Doors 8:00, Show 9:00
DJs and dancing starting at 12:00
Cover: $8 ($5 sliding scale tickets available)

Performers include:
- Clara Engel, apocalyptic folk singer
- Annanda DeSilva, Spoken Word Artist
- Cinnamon Hearts, sexy and satirical burlesque stylings
- Tomboyfriend, Rogue Cabaret Style
- Susan Tarshis, a hot reading to warm up a cool fall night
- Circus Alchemy's Hooping Three
- MEA, cellist & singer/songwriter
- Angela Sinclair, singer/songwriter
- The WiKiD, zombie burlesque
- Zombie Apocalypse, rocking your brains out
- Lassie Vicious, burlesque
- Jon Pressick makes a bold statement about what he likes...
- Snoovy, songstress in groovy folk/girl rock style
and more!!!

DJs: Nik Red, DJ Polybear
Cheryl Dobinson will be your host for the evening's festivities.

Brought to you by (with proceeds benefiting): the Toronto Bisexual Network. www.torontobinet.org * info@torontobinet.org * (416) 925-XTRA x2810
Sponsors: Sherbourne Health Centre and the Coalition for Lesbian and Gay Rights in Ontario
Media Sponsor: Xtra

Celebrate Bisexuality Day (CBD) is an annual international event, held on September 23 of each year, aiming to promote bi visibility and celebrate the wonderful diversity of bisexual lives. The Toronto Bisexual Network holds an annual celebration in honour of CBD taking place the weekend before or after the 23rd.

This is a 19+ event.

***

TorontoGRUE 2008 – Graydancer’s Ropetastic Unconference Extravaganza (A Day-Long Meeting of Kinky Minds)
Saturday, October 4, 9 a.m. – 6 p.m.

Graydancer, a friend from down south, is a man of many titles: Podcaster, RopeSlut, Published Author, Burlesque Performer, Sex Blogger, Educator and fellow sukebe. Now, thanks to his flexible schedule, a bit of a break in my workload, and the wonderful people at Goodhandy’s, Graydancer is bringing the GRUE to Toronto: Saturday October 4th, 2008. The GRUE is an unconference that he has facilitated around the US, giving people of kink a chance to come together in a non-mediated way and discuss issues they themselves find important and compelling. You can read his post about the first GRUE here (http://www.graydancer.com/2007/08/21/the-grue-ate-my-friends/ ). As well as in Madison, the GRUE has also been held in Lansing, MI, Minneapolis, MN, and St. Louis, MO, and the techniques have been used to teach at events like Shibaricon, TES Fest, and the Spankfestival.

Tickets for the ToroGRUE are 40$ CDN, and are limited. For more information about the TorontoGRUE visit http://www.thecontrolenthusiast.com/?p=94. Due to the size of the venue and the intimate nature of the Unconference, we are making 80 tickets available for the event. If you’re interested in taking part, email me at grue@thecontrolenthusiast.com with any questions about the event, or to reserve your tickets. 2 per person, first come first served. I will email you back with confirmation of your tickets.

Keep checking www.thecontrolenthusiast.com for more information and updates about the TorontoGRUE. As details become clearer I’ll both post more on the site and email updates to those who’ve expressed interest in participating. I’m very excited to welcome Graydancer to Toronto, and facilitate what I hope will be the first of a series of events for the community on the whole. Remember, this is a conference put together by and for You. The more intelligent & hungry minds that attend, the better it'll be for all.

Which is exactly what I did twice this past weekend, on my way to and from the Great Lakes Leather Alliance weekend in Indianapolis. Speed along the highway, that is, not turn red at the edges. My loyal companions and drivers (ah, the perils of lacking a license) were Boi M and my best friend and platonic life partner D, and we whiled away the time with fun car games ("how many sex- and kink-related verbs and nouns can we come up with for each letter of the alphabet?") and in-depth conversations about the nature of D/s, self-mastery versus self-control, and the differences between the American and Canadian leather scenes.

That last one is still on my mind as I write, so I'm going to delve into it a bit here. But first, some context.

The reason we were headed to GLLA is because of an odd text message I received while I was in Amsterdam with Boi L in June. It was from Riley, GLLA Bootblack 2007, asking if I might be interested in serving as a judge for the GLLA 2008 bootblack contest. I'd never judged a contest before, and in fact I generally don't have many good things to say about the leather title circuit (read my post entitled "the reasons i didn't run" if you're curious), but many of my arguments against it were rendered moot in this particular case thanks to the fact that bootblacking is a skills-based contest, not a see-how-cute-your-butt-looks-in-leather contest. So I thought about it for a bit and said yes.

Fast-forward to this past weekend, in which a medium-sized hotel was sold out and packed to the gills with leather-clad kinksters in an impressive variety of sizes, shapes, colours and genders. It was a weekend to remember for many reasons. The company of some fantastic bootblacks - contestants and judges alike, they were all just excellent people, and they made me feel warmly welcome. The occasion to meet and share space with additional wonderful people, two of whom agreed to share a hotel room with the three of us without ever having even met us. (Five to a room meant that Boi M slept in a little nest on the floor, but we both kinda liked that idea, so it all worked out.) The pleasant experience of picking myself up a rather gorgeous "predominantly gay" (his words) boy-toy for the weekend and having all sorts of intriguing fun with him. A trip to Outword Bound, Indy's queer bookstore, which netted me a lovely stack of additions to the ever-growing collection, along with a few other books from a table at GLLA itself. A new piece of leather from the GLLA vendors' mart. A trip to a huge old warehouse filled with bootblacking and footwear care supplies - it felt like stepping into the 1940s, and all I could think of was how perfect it would be to set a modern-day queer porn there. Really, it was almost as good as a library, and that's saying something. And most of all, the experience of judging my first contest - I definitely learned a lot about how the judging process works, thanks to the kind and patient input of the other, more experienced judges.

I walked out of the weekend feeling like I'd had a great time, emerging with new knowledge and experience and some really sweet new connections. At the same time, I also came out of the weekend feeling as though I'd just spent three days in an alternate reality, a different sort of community that doesn't look much like the one I call home. It was strange to be welcomed so warmly into the heart of that community - into a position of some authority, no less - and yet to still emerge feeling as though I were very much an outsider. I've been trying to unpack the differences I felt for the past couple of days, and while I don't think I've got it all figured out yet, I've made a few observations that might explain that odd sense of home-but-not-home.

For starters, the American leather scene - at least as represented at GLLA, which brings together participants from seven or more states - is much like American culture in general, in that there's a sense of staunch patriotism that permeates... well, everything. During the contest's opening ceremonies, everyone stood and sang the national anthem. I experienced this once before at IMsL in San Francisco, and I had the same reaction now as I did then - I had to hold back laughter.

It wasn't so much laughter at a room full of Americans singing "The Star-Spangled Banner," but rather, laughter as I tried to imagine how it would go over at An Unholy Harvest if we tried to get all the leatherdykes and trans folks to stand up and sing "Oh Canada." I mean, the idea is ludicrous. One might sing the Canadian national anthem at a Remembrance Day ceremony (if one were to attend such a thing), or on Canada Day before the fireworks go off on Parliament Hill, or perhaps (if they still do this, which I sincerely doubt) in the mornings before class in elementary school. But the idea of bringing nationalism and patriotic pride into the kink scene is downright funny north of the border. Why would one have anything to do with the other? I would be almost as surprised to hear "Oh Canada" sung at a kink event as I would to percieve the opening notes of "Happy Birthday" or "Mary Had a Little Lamb," and just as likely to bring patriotism into my dungeon as I would be to bring my brothers to an orgy. They're both fine and dandy but they just don't mesh. (Of course, I like my brothers way more than the Harper government, so perhaps my comparison is still off.)

So as a Canadian who doesn't know the words to the American anthem, I could only stand and look around to observe the utter lack of irony present in the room as the proud notes rang out from the throats of everyone around me. I felt like an alien from outer space.

I could speculate on the reasons for this difference. I might be missing some big ones, but the first thing that occurs to me is that the American leather scene will of course be imbued with American patriotism to the same degree that the rest of American culture is, which is to say, heavily. In addition, the American leather scene takes some of its roots in military culture, with its emphasis on hierarchy, brotherhood and so forth (plus the addition of things like gay sex, biker iconography and SM practices), whereas the Canadian one doesn't have nearly the same roots except in some instances of mild cross-border cultural influence.

I don't really understand that degree of national pride, but it doesn't necessarily offend me. Unless... and here's where I caught a glimpse of the underbelly of that pride. In a workshop that Boi M attended, the presenter talked about how he often liked to come to dinner in a dress uniform because he liked the formality of it within the context of his D/s household. Fair enough, if that's your thing. But he went on to say that he never wore American uniforms because he had never been in the service and felt it would be disrespectful to sport a uniform he hadn't earned. Instead, he wore the dress uniforms of French, African and Canadian military.

Does anyone else see the problem here? Um... so it's okay to sport an un-earned uniform from another country or culture, thereby layering cultural appropriation on top of the existing disrespect? Yikes.

I certainly don't think that all American leatherfolks see things this way - among other things because not everyone is into wearing uniforms. It was simply an instance that spoke really strongly to me of the ways in which military culture perfumes the American leather scene, but not always in ways that resonate with a fully considered and culturally sensitive approach to that symbolism.

Another example of the place that the military holds in leather culture was the instance when, during another ceremony at GLLA, the MC asked that everyone who was in the service or who had family members in the service stand up and accept the applause of the audience because they're heroes, and it was thanks to them, and to their fight for freedom, that we kinksters had the freedom to practice our kinks today. Again, this was a bit of a mind-bend for me. First of all because once again, the idea of proudly proclaiming a pro-military stance on stage at a kink event and assuming everyone in the room will applaud would simply never fly in Canada. Not that we're all anti-military, but there's not really much glory given to the armed forces; some people think they're inherently evil baby-killers, some think they're godlike heroes, and the vast majority predictably fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, acknowledging that the military is necessary but preferring to hold them to ideals of peacekeeping and rebuilding and minimize the emphasis on weaponry and assault.

In Canada, for all that some kinksters fetishize uniforms, we don't like guns much, we're not into muscular foreign policy, and we're highly and vocally suspicious of any instance in which the military seems to be being used as a tool to further our national economic interests rather than to encourage world peace. So the way that robust support for the military was presumed - correctly - among kinksters, particularly in light of the ongoing lunacy of Bush's approach to Iraq and elsewhere, really showed me how we differ north of the border.

Certainly, as typified by Pierre "the state has no place in the bedrooms of the nation" Trudeau, we've also sustained a healthy cynicism when it comes to the government's right to meddle in our sex lives. With the possible exception of the gratitude that some queer people show the government for allowing same-sex marriage, or swingers for legalizing private group sex, we don't tend to get all excited about how wonderful our government is and how much freedom it allows us - and ours is markedly kinder to sexual "deviants" than the American one. Instead, we tend to view advances in sexual and relational freedom as ground that must be fought for by grassroots activists and sustained by ongoing critique of the governement, rather than as being a testament to the greatness of that very government and its various arms of enforcement.

Now here's another difference: titles. I wonder if the American penchant for Scene titles is an offshoot of the military model that underpins much of the leather scene. Just about everyone I met at GLLA prefaced their name with an honorific. Sir This, boy that, Lady This, slave that. Very rarely did I get introduced to anyone who just went by, y'know, Bob. I definitely felt like the odd one out when I introduced myself as Andrea. I know in this blog I use "Boi M" and "Boi L" to refer to my bois, but that's only for the sake of online discretion; in real life, we just use their names.

GLLA definitely made me wonder what it would have been like to "grow up" in a leather scene that encouraged the use of titles in such an overwhelming way. Had my journey in kink begun south of the border, would I now by "Lady Andrea" or "Sir Andrea" or something? I suppose it's possible, but they both feel way too formal for my liking. If someone wants to call me Ma'am or Sir, they're more than welcome to, but I'd prefer they do so because it's an accurate reflection of how they feel about me rather than as a general nod to my role in the Scene. I just don't need that kind of reinforcement, and it makes me uncomfortable when strangers relate to me with indicators of a formal sort of respect I haven't directly earned via a relationship with them. My hierarchical relationships are exactly that - relationships, not a signifier of our respective places in the community. That sense of D/s individualism is, oddly, far more present in Canada than in the US, from what I've seen, and stretches far beyond the realm of honorifics and well into the way a community operates, though I'm not sure I can articulate the specifics of that bleed quite yet. Lemme think about it some more.

I definitely have further reflections on this topic, but perhaps they are better saved for a future post when it's not the wee hours of the morning. Before I sign off, though, I should re-indicate, in case anyone missed it the first time around, that none of these observations are intended as a put-down of the GLLA weekend or its organizers and participants. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and am thrilled to have met so many excellent people and be exposed to a community that functions differently from mine. It intrigues me to tease out the differences between those communities, and I do feel more at home when I'm at home (duh), but no disrespect is intended - simply a sense of observation and speculation.

Hokay. Disclaimers over. Bedtime now.

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]]> http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/?p=173 Wed, 06 Aug 2008 03:08:46 +0000 sexgeek http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2008/08/05/kink-in-the-city-of-two-cheek-kisses/ I have a confession to make: sometimes, I like to relax. It’s a bit mind-boggling, but over the long weekend I actually went away and hung out at a cottage with no internet access, and then last night I (gasp!) went to a movie! An empty-souled blockbuster, no less! And I ate movie snacks! I will soon be back on the blogging bandwagon, I’m sure, but it’s been rather lovely to just kick back and breathe a bit this last little while.

But speaking of fine ways to occupy one’s time, the teaching circuit is starting to rumble in preparation for the fall’s avalanche. And on that note, this post is a quick shout-out to the Montrealers, or those who plan to be in Montreal soon, to let you know that I'll be teaching two workshops at the Festival Kinky August 7-10.

The first is Thursday evening, August 7, at 6 p.m. and it's my Hands-On Play class - I'm going to take the pulse of the group before deciding if I'm going to make it a hard-core one with info about punching etc. or if I'll stick with the basics, but either way I promise I'll make it fun.

The second is Saturday afternoon, August 9, at 1 p.m. and it's my vaginal fisting workshop - same one I gave to the Army in late May, so if you missed it and want to come out this time, it'd be great to have you there!

For more info, check out http://www.kinkyfes tival.com/ html/en/04_ calendrierAtelie rs.html. Tickets are available at http://www.kinkyfes tival.com/ html/en/00_ tickets.html.

Feel free to spread the word. Every little bit helps!

This most recent trip started out as a visit home for Boi L, who wanted me and Boi M to meet all her extended family, including two sets of parents, two sets of grandparents, and assorted exes, friends, former teammates, brothers and local acquaintances. Somehow we managed to schedule this whole little excursion right on top of Pride, so not only are we meeting family left, right and centre - all of whom oddly seem way more upset about Boi L's conversion to vegetarianism than about her newly announced status as a polyamorous dyke involved in a D/s triad with a femme(ish) dominant and a trans guy - but we are also attending such exciting events as the SheDogs women and trans bathhouse event tomorrow night, the Pride Paddle (not that kind - it's kayaking, folks) Thursday night (assuming there are no further small hurricanes on the way), various film screenings and lectures, and the WetSpot party Saturday night. I think we might march in the parade Saturday afternoon, too. Boi M is keen to have us all do it on stilts, but I'm not sure those are compatible with a leather pencil skirt and red heels, so I might have to pass.

Interestingly, everyone and their dog seems to gravitate towards Halifax for Pride time, so I keep running into exes and lovers and friends on the street corners and in cafes around town. It's really a bit perturbing to note just how many queers descend on this fine little town at this time of year - I feel like I've been missing out all these years. Never fear; I intend to experience it to its fullest and provide a full report. Right after I write up the CPATH conference and review some hottie-hot dyke/trans porn for ya, of course. Ahem. I forget sometimes that this blogging thing actually entails the occasional obligation. I'm on it, I swear.  

In the meantime, Boi M and I have celebrated our one-year anniversary, and this afternoon while we were at Venus Envy - Halifax's queer epicentre extraordinaire - he reached out a finger towards a shelf and poked, of all things, a first-edition copy of Patrick Califia's Macho Sluts, which just about made me wet my jeans right then and there. A fine anniversary gift indeed. 

Oh, and on our way out East we stopped in small-town Quebec to attend a queer wedding in which a lovely trans lady of my acquaintance and her butch/trans partner spoke vows of eternal devotion that were filled with poetic references to kink, leather and butch/femme. As I sat watching the ceremony with a gorgeous boi in a necktie on either side of me, holding hands with both of them, I realized that I have never felt so openly welcome at such an event. For all that I'm really not interested in the institution of marriage, I gotta say, I'm pretty damn happy to live in a country where two trans people can have a leather wedding with poly queers in the audience, the whole thing entirely legal and presided over by a minister who earnestly lectured the audience on the eroticism of butch/femme and never messed up a pronoun, even once. Quite an experience, that was.

All of this to say that following Toronto Pride, a load of work contracts and a few days of illness, life has been pretty busy, which is why I've been so damn quiet these past couple of weeks. I'm back though. Hope y'all have been enjoying your summer so far, eh?

***

And now, for a bit o' shameless self-promotion...

My recent post about sex with trans people has been picked up by AlterNet.org, an award-winning news website with a monthly readership of 2.3 million. I'm not sure when it'll be up, but I'll post here when it happens. How fucking exciting is that?

Also, I just finished writing up a rather in-depth piece on Toronto's sex club and sex party scene, which should be coming out in a future issue of the Xtra. I'll definitely link to that. I must say, the research work for that one was. ahem, intensive. I am telling you, the commitment I have to my journalistic integrity is nothing short of staggering. Hee hee.

And in the realm of exciting, I must also mention that I'll be giving a short demo - not a full workshop, but a half-hour interactive thingie - of some hands-on SM play stuff at SheDogs, tomorrow night's bathhouse. I'm muchly looking forward to it, especially since I'll have both Boi M and Boi L with me as demo bottoms, which opens up some very intriguing possibilities. Should be a good time - if you're in town, come say hi!

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