I'm having another mini-crisis in confidence right now. These are the times when a few life cheerleaders can come in very handy, so line them up ahead of time for situations just like this!

Between my recent accident, the last minute rejection of my story for American History Magazine, and a few other reject letters I've received recently, I've been having a hard time building up enough confidence to convert my book Midlife Magic: Becoming the Person You Are Inside to paperback format.

Say what you will about self-love and self-confidence, sometimes you just need to have support from outside to soldier on when you can't find it inside of yourself.

My husband Mike's confidence in me is absolutely unwavering and I love him terribly for that! Then my parents came to visit this weekend and added their own boost of love and support. So it seems to be a go on that project!

I re-watched a movie I like the other night. I know Legally Blonde is a silly movie, but it always cracks me up, and there are parts I totally relate to. I went to a few ivy league schools in my early days and dated a few colossal assholes. Trust me, her boyfriend in this movie is a real-life character!

Reese Witherspoon is great in her role as the prissy, pretty-in-pink sorority girl who finds her own self-confidence and self-respect slowly throughout the movie. At one point she says:

"I forgot to believe in myself."

There it is in simple black and white. We all know how important it is to believe in our abilities and our right to be here and have our say in life. But I find it far too easy to revert to lost little girl mode at times, and forget the power behind my own presence in the world. That's when I need to remind myself of the words of hockey great and wisdom speaker Wayne Gretzky:

"YOU MISS 100 PERCENT OF ALL THE SHOTS YOU NEVER TAKE."

SO GET OUT THERE AND TAKE A FEW SHOTS TODAY!

Now, I ask you, is this the face of a happy cat?

People!  This is the sort of thing that ages a cat prematurely!

If The Aged Cat (may he mouse in peace!) were with us today, he would exhort me to protest, publicly and vehemently.  He would interrupt my barely-stifled giggling and insist that I write to remind the animal "lovers" of the world that  -- well, he said it so well himself:

"Have me own coat, thank you very much.  Save your infantilizing blankies, buntings, baubles, booties, booboogoogoos, et cetera, for such creatures as have neither hair nor self-respect.  I speak, of course, of chihuahuas."

"What'd a chihuahua ever do to you?"

"That's beside the point. --"

And so it was.  His point was, as mine now must be:

kitties don't need no dressin' up

It is bad for their mental health.  It is enough to send any self-respecting feline running for a bottle of what Trouble the Cat, at Dennis's Diary of Destruction euphemistically calls her "enulose," though in her case, overexposure to canines seems to be the cause, and that's another matter entirely.

Cat "owners," hear me and heed me when I tell you, that if permitted to go unchecked, this mistaking of cats for dolls can lead to a whole host of ills not the least of which are:

• Substance abuse -- The cat tries to dull the pain of humiliation and loss of control with overindulgence in catnip (Nepeta Cataria), greenies, and other substances.
• Obesity -- The cat's subconscious attempt to make himself impossible to lift or manuever, and/or to render himself too huge for any baby garment.
• Hair loss -- The cat, feeling violated, resorts to excessive grooming in an attempt to feel "clean" again.
• Physical exhaustion -- Thought to be brought on by the hypercompensatory striking and holding of dignified poses.
• Feline dementia -- Characterized by the return of invisible wallspots, and often attributed to chronic exposure to bad taste
• Deafness -- Feigned or real, its association with kitty dress-up has yet to be proven.

I admit that I am not wholly above reproach when it comes to the subject of mistaking cats for dolls.  As a child -- (true confession) -- so determined was I to see my faithful tabby tom in Jo March's pinafore, that I committed the ultimate doll-collector sin.  I altered the doll's dress to fit my putty-tat.  In my defense, I was 10 years old.  And he looked adorable in red polka-dots, as I knew he would.

But I grew up.  I don't collect dolls anymore.  Even if I did, I would never, never put their pinafores on my cat.  I promised The Aged and The Tortie that they would never suffer the indignities of kitty dress-up.  I kept my word, and out of respect for them, all cat-related tchotchkes in my apt are naked.  Never even had so much as a cats-in-clothes calendar in my home.   Yes, there was the momentary lapse of judgment resulting in the infamous Valentine's Day ribbon transgression against The Aged (which some of you may remember).  But again, in my defense, I was seriously sleep deprived, and he did look adorable in the pink satin ribbon with hearts.  I mightily regretted it, however, for his own dear sake, and apologized sincerely to The Aged.  After destroying the evidence, and after several days of sucking up to get back in his good grace, I received his sweet forgiveness.  Still, I cannot help but wonder sometimes.  How much residual damage was there from the Valentine's Day ribbon episode?  Could it have hastened The Aged Cat's demise?  I will never know for certain.

Now, I do not wish to incriminate a respectable and presumably well-meaning craft publication in this business of kitty dress-up, so I shall not name the magazine here. After all, it may very well have been a mere lapse on their part and it was a long time ago.  And if you are able to overlook or forget the pitiable plight of the feline forced to model the baby bunting you may wish to knit the offending garment yourself.  If so, let me know, and I'll send you the source info so that you can contact the publisher to request the pattern.  However, know that I will first ask you to swear on your cat's litterbox -- sacred ground! -- that you will never put your cat in the bunting.  It is to be used strictly for children.  And/or chihuahuas.

Of course, it could also be handy just having the pattern, complete with photo, strategically lying around the house.  Some may say this constitutes "intimidation" or "a threat" to a cat, which is just as psychologically damaging as putting her in a bra or bonnet.  I prefer to call it  "leverage," a useful, sometimes necessary negotiating tool in maintaining the balance of power in the house.

So for now, folks, that's my anti-kitty-dress-up rant on behalf of The Aged Cat, and I'm stickin' to it.  Please keep your kitty sane and sober, -- no kitty dressup and no kitty-buntings!

It's a new morning.

The alarm goes off and we lurch into consciousness. Outside our window the birds are chirping, proudly announcing their presence to the world.

What do you do? Do you hit the snooze and pull the covers over your head secretly dreading the day stretching ahead, anxiously planning ways to avoid criticism, rejection, shame and emptiness? Or do you determinedly get to your feet, check your schedule for the day and focus your thoughts to insure that your actions will be efficient, effective, on task, on target, resulting in excellence and success?

The second person is searching for that essential sense of peace and fulfillment  that the first individual has given up on ever finding.

We all want to be happy, to feel confident and capable. We all need to feel important, secure and useful in our close relationships. Without these qualities pain becomes suffering and joy is shallow at best, non-existent at worst. Self esteem is the foundation on which a fulfilling life is built. Without it joy, security,  and freedom are fleeting, dependent on the next achievement, the next word of praise, the next demonstration of importance. And even then, there is a vague sense of unease, emptiness, a sense of "is that all there is". But we shake it off, and look for the next thing that will temporarily mask the discomfort that we feel.

Some of us, in an effort to eliminate that sense of unease, strive for external signs of success, in the form of career, income and respect. Others choose to dedicate their lives to the compulsive service of others or to one  humanitarian cause after another. Still others resort to various addictions - food, substance abuse, perfectionism, workaholic, fixing others, people pleasing, thrill seeking or rebellion. The list is extensive.

Self esteem is without a doubt the quality that can mean the difference between a life of joy and fulfillment and a life of despair, resignation  and tragedy. This quality, more than any other, determines the level of satisfaction, personal growth and positive influence that an individual creates and experiences in their life. There are three main aspects to self esteem: self efficacy, self respect, and self worth. Most techniques for improving Self esteem focus on self confidence and self respect.

Self Confidence is the conviction that one is skilled or proficient in specific endeavors.  Whereas self efficacy has more to do with an overall sense of self reliance  in coping with one's life and one's affairs. In general self esteem techniques focus on improving your self confidence through education, skill building,  communication skills, and  goal achievement.

Self respect is not about status or appearance. The basic ingredients for self respect are : Establishing your personal values and principles,  making choices and behaving in ways that are congruent with those values and principles, and affording others respect and understanding. However,  we must remember that it's isn't  the appearance of living according to our values and principles that is of importance. We must also examine our motives and true intentions. Hidden agendas that violate our principles, however well disguised, will erode our self respect on some level.

Unfortunately, even a person who has self confidence  in their social skills and business prowess, can lack an over all sense of self efficacy. Similarly, a person who lives according to their values and principles can lack a sense of self respect. And the reason is that they still do not possess self worth.

Self worth is very elusive and cannot be gained by achievements, perfect behavior, self sacrifice, altruism or skill building. If a person has worked on confidence in manyareas of their life and is scrupulous in maintaining their values and principles, they may manage to achieve a level of social acceptance and business success, but the internal discomfort and sense of inadequacy persists to a greater or lesser extent.

Some of the symptoms are a person with low self worth may experience are:  a sense that there is something inherently wrong with them, criticism, constructive or other wise  produce  immense shame and guilt, putting others' expectations above their own,  and a variety of boundary issues.

In extreme cases the person feels that they must earn the right to be alive.   They may try to be invisible, so as not to make waves or take up space on one hand, but long for recognition on the other.
They judge themselves harshly and make excuses for other's inappropriate behavior toward them. Sometime they don't even realize that the behavior was inappropriate. They feel guilty when good things come into their lives because they aren't certain that they have done enough to deserve them. They feel compelled to be constantly productive so they aren't a burden. They can't experience the joy of living and have a sense that nothing they do is good enough. They are filled with self doubt. And the harder they try to achieve a sense of worth, the more it seems to elude them.

You can't identify them by appearance. They make certain to put on a happy face. They don't feel they have the right to bother anyone with their despair and they can't see a solution in sight.

Does a solution exist? Yes, but it doesn't involve education, skills, achievements, selflessness or improved behavior. It doesn't really involve “doing” as much as it involves “being” a different way. It does require insight, change, motivation and  courage.

Although affirmations and positive self talk are helpful, they are not enough for most. I know that they weren't enough for me. Even when I finally cultivated the belief that I was important, I didn't feel that way. I felt responsible for everyone else's feelings and happiness but neglected my own. I dared not refuse a request because I did not want to feel selfish. If I did something well, I was terrified that I couldn't do it that well again. Even compliments were uncomfortable because I wasn't certain that I could live up to them. I denied my anger,  because I didn't have the right, my fear, because it was weak  and my pain because it would distress others.

So I worked out my own methods for healing the quaking insecurity I felt inside.

The first step is simply acting as if you are worthy, acting like you count. You do this by  establishing  personal boundaries and sticking to them.   It is often difficult to establish healthy boundaries when you lack a sense of self worth. You will invariably feel that you are being selfish or that you don’t have the right to refuse another person or ask for what you need or express how you feel. A technique that I found that works very well is to think of someone that you love. Then think of the boundaries that you would recommend to them. I would think of my daughter. When I considered what I would tell her to do if she was in my situation, the answer became very obvious. It was also very different from what I had previously thought I should do.  Now, adopt those boundaries for your own. This means you must not let your feelings of guilt determine your behavior. It will feel very uncomfortable at first. Even if others try to tell you that you are being selfish, do not give in.

For awhile, every time you must make a decision involving your interaction with others, imagine you are advising someone that you love that is in the same situation. Then do what you would have advised them to do. Don't give in to the temptation to tell yourself things like, it really isn't that important, as an excuse to give in. Or I can handle the disappointment, as an excuse to deny your feelings and desires in order to placate others. Don’t give in to self-doubt, other’s criticism or guilt. After some practice, you will start feeling more comfortable with your new boundaries. You will start to feel that you deserve respect.

I have also found that recounting the situation to someone else, helps to put it into focus. While it was in my head, I was certain that I was expecting too much from others or I wasn't giving enough. Once I described  the situation out loud to an objective listener, I realized that I was allowing others to treat me like a doormat. The distinction between taking care of myself and being true to myself versus being self-centered became clearer.

The bottom line is this: As long as I keep acting like I don't count, that is how I am going to feel.

The next step is to express your feelings. Not your opinion necessarily. Your feelings are uniquely yours. You must be willing to express who you are or in a very real sense, you do not exist. Sometimes our feelings may cause others some discomfort. That is not a reason to reframe from expressing yourself. If you do, you are once again saying, by your actions, that you do not count. Say how you feel, without blaming, justifying, or apologizing. Do not make another responsible for your feelings. For better or worse, our feelings are the result of our life experience, beliefs and perceptions. We cannot identify the parts of ourselves that need to grow without honoring our feelings and what they tell us. And we cannot have an emotionally intimate relationship with another without the freedom to express ourselves fully.

Next you must identify your dreams or goals. Initially, do not concern yourself with whether or not they are practical. Especially do not reject a goal based on disapproval of another. Later, you can start  to prune your list, but initially, put down all your dreams, goals and desires. Once you are feeling some benefits from the previous steps, you can begin to trim your list based on your situation, your values, and your needs. You can seek suggestions from others who may have experience in similar situations. But do not eliminate anything on the basis of another's approval. Your personal values will be the guidelines for determining if a goal causes to much upheaval for you partner or children. It may take some time to narrow the list down.  Just make certain that you based your decisions on your values and needs.  Do not entertain the inner debate on whether or not you deserve it. And do not let the hypothesis about how it will affect others have a major influence. Remember also that even if something appears impractical at first, creative thinking can nearly always find a workable solution.

Practice being present and aware in the moment. This requires learning to experience ourselves and our environment rather than always thinking about our circumstances and our performance. To test your level of awareness, just chose a doorway in your home and remember to make a mental note each time you go through it. You will probably be amazed at the very few times you actually notice passing through the door at the time.
Most importantly, find a spiritual practice. In this context, spiritual practice simply means, anything that silences the mental noise and connects you to you inner innate essence. It may be  mediation, communing with nature, a creative endeavor that flows from your center or listening to music that stirs you inside. Learn to recognize and experience that sense of expansiveness, excitement, desire and support deep inside. That is your Essence. That is where your power, your wisdom, your sense of wonder and sense of greatness reside. The more you can connect to that part of you, and then live life from that place of being, the less you will even consider the question of worth. You will realize that your existence here is proof of your worth and the special part you have to play in creation.

You exist to experience life and to express who you are. As you evolve from those experiences, you continue to express the greater you that you are becoming. Practice maintaining your conscious connection to that source of comfort and support inside. Your Essence is the Authentic you behind the defensives, self defeating beliefs, expectations and masks. Let it guide and support you. No one else can give the world the unique qualities that you have to offer. Strip off the layers of false beliefs, self doubt, guilt, conformity and judgment. Let the light of your Essence shine and experience life with enthusiasm. Spontaneously express the true you behind the masks. Tell the critic in your head to take a vacation. Life and the Universe desires each of us to Yes! I am here and this is who I am. Live the dreams of your Soul.
One glorious morning, you will wake up just as the birds do, singing with enthusiasm and proudly announcing to the world,

"Here I am!" "I am magnificent."

That is how you will enthusiastically greet each wondrous day.   And that is the sweetest gift of all.

Tip: If you do suffer from lack of self worth, this article is meant to give you hope. It is not the total Program.  If you would like more information, please contact me by email or phone.

we lose all respect for ourselves.

We feel so bad and guilty about

what we are doing as we start to

get sober, that it can lead to a

cycle of guilt, shame, and further

drug use.

The only way to truly gain back

self-respect is to get into a treatment

program and sober up for good.

I know it is hard to imagine staying

away from heroin for the rest of your

life.  But if you don't stop using, you

will not have a life.  You know what

I'm saying is true.

Pay attention.  I wrote this post

just for you.

This is posted on the wall in the office I'm using at our fabricators.  The author is unknown, but I thought it was very inspiring and I've read it each day I've been here.

The most destructive habit........................................Worry

The greatest joy.......................................................Giving

The greatest loss......................................................Loss of self-respect

 

The most satisfying work...........................................Helping others

The ugliest personality trait......................................Selfishness

The most endangered species......................................Dedicated leaders

 

Our greatest natural resource.....................................Our youth

The greatest "shot in the arm".....................................Encouragement

The greatest problem to overcome................................Fear

 

The most effective sleeping pill....................................Peace of mind

The most crippling failure disease................................Excuses

The most powerful force in life.....................................Love

 

The most dangerous pariah..........................................A gossiper

The world's most incredible computer...........................The brain

The worst thing to be without......................................Hope

 

The deadliest weapon..................................................The tongue

The two most power-filled words.................................."I Can"

The greatest asset........................................................Faith

 

The most worthless emotion..........................................Self-pity

The most beautiful attire..............................................A Smile

The most prized possession...........................................Integrity

 

The most powerful channel of communication..................Prayer

The most contagious spirit............................................Enthusiasm

 

Believe in yourself,

Luisa

It's past twelve midnight and I'm sleepy. Yet I am kept awake by my thoughts, on things I shouldn't be thinking about, but are just too monumental to pass up. For the past weeks, I have been in conversations with friends who were stuck deep in the love-shit. Don't get me wrong, I am crazily in love and I can't imagine how dreadful life would be without my better half. But I still don't think that you ought to trade self-respect for the sake of having a particular someone in your life. These women I know, whom I have always deeply respected, were no longer keeping something for themselves. I don't know if its dependence, or security, or pride. I don't know if they fear losing the person or fear losing the oh-so-perfect front that they have thrown on and paraded to the world. All I know is that ever since they proclaimed they fell in love, they are no longer the girls, the women, that I have always recognized.

Why should you stay in a relationship when the man you supposedly love throws you out of the house a million times? Why settle with someone who does not allow you freedom? Why do you dedicate your strength in rebuilding something that was meant to break down anyway? Why in the whole damn world would you stay with a man who, for all his education and all his degrees, could not even afford to respect his own woman?

Yes, I'm sleepy and I'm curious. I hope we all wake up and discover that my thoughts were just part of a perfectly orchestrated nightmare, and that these women I am talking about are actually women who know that love is simply one shady piece of an intricate puzzle.

so, for my daughter's sake, for my sake, for all of us... I'm going to respect myself and not let anyone else disrespect me, for all our sakes I'm going to decide once and for all what I can and cannot live with. I will try very hard to make the relationship work, but not at the expense of my own self-respect and health... because stress is toxic and definately not at the expense of my daughter.  I never wanted to be a single mom, I never wanted my daughter to grow up without her father around, because I didn't grow up with my father... but I grew up with a step-father who loved and took very good care of us.   So for now, if I have to I will just focus on being a great mom and just love and protect her.

I have the right to ask for what I want.
I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can’t meet.
I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
I have the right to change my mind.
I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
I have the right to follow my own values and standards.
I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values.
I have the right to determine my own priorities.
I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings, or problems.
I have the right to expect honesty from others.
I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
I have the right to be uniquely myself.
I have the right to feel scared and say “I’m afraid.”
I have the right to say “I don’t know.”
I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
I have the right to be in a nonabusive environment.
I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
I have the right to change and grow.
I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
I have the right to be happy.

Source: The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook ]]> http://therottenlittlegirls.wordpress.com/?p=426 Fri, 08 Aug 2008 21:15:24 +0000 Harlequin http://therottenlittlegirls.wordpress.com/?p=426 As if you needed any reasons, but nevertheless here they are:

10. They are ridiculously low-class - it seems ironic that a bunch of girls that look like spoiled brats are sold by mail through late-night infomercials. You spent enough money on Gucci sunglasses and Prada shoes, so don't you think you deserve an audience of a higher pedigree, ladies? Girls say it's their "15 minutes of fame," so I'd think they'd make it worth it.
*By the way, it’s not 15 minutes honey. This is your fame forever. Relish in it, along with all the men (your ex-boyfriend, or your boss, maybe your father) who may be as well. And can anyone give me the name of a successful showbiz woman who got her start in the soft-core porn bar videos? Ashley DuPre does not count as successful.

9. Serious lack of individual style - the fact that they are all clones of each other simply increases my distaste for them. If I was going to get drunk and strip, I would at least do it in style.

8. They disappoint even the lowest of men - the corporation's mogul (and the face of arrogance), Mr. Joe Francis himself wants innocent girls next door, but instead gets slutty tramps looking for a moment in front of a camera. And sadly, I have to agree with him. As one girl puts it, "I'm ready and willing, and I'm a dirty slut." As if we needed any confirmation.

7. They failed American History - supposedly the whole franchise is just some passionate movement to embrace the freedom of First Amendment. Way to go ladies, you really embody the spirit of America.
*And remember, judges will just shut down your lawsuits against Girls Gone Wild for capturing what you do in public - that's part of the same First Amendment that allows your flashes of nudity.

6. They are not even getting paid - I have a lot more respect for strippers and prostitutes who are at least making a buck instead of gratuitously showing their naughty bits the world over, and on tape nonetheless. If you think about the money that the corporation is making, these girls could at least salvage some dignity by demanding compensation.
*NOTE: T-shirts, booty shorts, trucker hats, Mardi Gras beads, or even panties do NOT count as compensation.

5. They are giving a bad name to drunks everywhere - instead of taking their clothes off when they get plastered, they should be belligerently yelling at people, like any self-respecting binge drinker.

4. They idolize a criminal industry - and we aren't just talking public indecency. Joe Francis and co. have been accused of money laundering, tax evasion, racketeering, not to mention sexual assault, child pornography, and you guessed it, rape. If I saw Mr. Girls Gone Wild, I would throw him my haymaker and stab him with my stiletto, not fawn over him like a smitten schoolgirl gone wrong.

3. They completely embarrass the feminist cause - not to mention any self-respecting woman. I totally encourage women owning their sexuality and all, but taking your clothes off and rubbing your best friend's twat in front of Joe's crews is most definitely not what Gloria Steinem (a respectable babe herself) had in mind for the sexual revolution.

2. They are just plain dumb - as one girl explains her motives for baring her breasts to appease the chants of young men, "Everybody wants to be famous in some way. Getting famous will get me anything I want. If I walk into somebody's house and said, 'Give me this,' I could have it." Just goes to show that almost anyone get into college.
*To any future GGW - this is just not how it works.

1. They are the backbone of Joe Francis' success - both financial and sexual.

Ew.
Enough said.

Anyone have any additions?

Read the horrifying article I found while researching this post. I plan to write more on it later, but I have to wait until my stomach settles from the nausea it just produced.

Disclaimer: I honestly hate to throw the word "slut" around, and I fully believe that men (most especially Joe Francis) who endorse this sort of behavior are despicable. The girls are taken advantage of while intoxicated, but that can only be taken so far before they have to be held accountable for their actions. A woman can have sex with thousands of men and not be a slut in my opinion, but once she has rubbed her clit for the world of Girls Gone Wild, then she has embraced my definition of the word.

No word from him since and I don't expect one any time soon either.  The day before yesterday when I wrote this note and dropped it off, I had a feeling of such strength.  I felt confident that his offer was insulting then and even more so now and that I was worthy of so much more.  It was in indignation that I wrote that short note.  I treasured that.  I was truly uplifted by the strength of my convictions which I've shoved aside again and again throughout this horrible ordeal, which has turned into a waking nightmare.

However, WHY is being strong and standing up for myself - doing what I know is right and best for my life and well-being always turn around very shortly after and suck all the life and hope out of me?   What has become of a person whom the thing that brings her the most hope and joy is the only thing she needs to let go?   I've thought of this often over the past few years when I watch movies.  So many movies end with the person who was downtrodden (or whatever) overcoming and standing up for himself (or herself).  The ending is that glorious moment of triumph that leaves us feeling so good inside; filling us with hope.  And I think, what happens the next day?  The next day when the repercussions of their choice settles into their life, do they maintain that feeling of triumphant strength?  Real life brings you immediately back to reality, where you're sitting in the consequences of your decision room, usually all alone because those are yours alone and no one else can sit in that room with you?

I suppose I just clutched tightly to my few moments of righteous indignation, allowed it to carry me high, and acted on it right then before I could let the worry of this (right now) settling in. And now, I sit with it all, alone and feeling sick to my stomach.  I can't sleep since I left the note.  Hell, I couldn't sleep before I left the note!  Who in the hell am I kidding here?

A choice of the lesser of two evils (which I use for lack of a better term) doesn't always feel so right afterward.  Don't you wonde after, if it really was the lesser that you chose?  Or am I the only person who is filled with such overwhelming self doubt (in this specific area) that I can't sit happily with either choice, but had to make a choice...since not making one for the past few years has made one for me.

I keep telling myself, "You must be strong.  You've done the right thing".  But honestly, must I ?   Have I ?  Is this going to be one of those damned things that sits in the vast ocean of wonder and doubt, unsettling my mind and soul forever?  How can that be?  It certainly feeels like I'll be drowning in self-doubt over this forever, sitting in that ocean and without my life jacket of hope to keep me afloat. 

How pathetic it's become when the only source of hopefulness is the very thing that pulls one under as well?  Is having hope or self respect more important in life?  I do not know right now because whenever I finally choose one, the other seems more vital!  Damnit!!

If you can blossom into your intrinsic nature,

then only you will have Blissfulness."

Why is it so hard to accept compliments?

Are you among those who would open their heart to a stranger, would give their last penny to someone in need, but are horribly uncomfortable when complimented?

I have noticed among my peeps a fervent desire to help those in need and a strong willingness to facilitate the betterment of our world - altruism which is coupled with downright squeemishness when it comes to accepting compliments. 

Some have mastered the art of deflection and conversation change, while others will outright argue with the compliment giver!

We feel weird being complimented for doing something that is our 'job'.  Sometimes we get complimented for doing things that are part of our duty or job description.  We think, "Why would you compliment me on that?  Not only is it my job, but it's the right thing to do." 

We believe that compliments feed the ego and have no wish to become 'Ishtab Raging Beast of ME'.  I've run into some parents who don't like the "special kid" mentality; the idea that we reward our children 'just because' they are special, that every kid on the losing team gets a medal.

What we don't realize, however, is that children can't put those compliments into context nor do they have any evaluative perspective.  But as adults, the scenario is wholly different.  Also, there is a marked distinction between praise earned and praise bestowed for purposes of brown nosing specialness.  Have a little faith in your ability to tell the difference.

We are shy and dislike the limelight. 

We subscribe to a depressive worldview.  Someone who subscribes to a depressive point of view, internalizes the 'bad' but externalizes the 'good'.  Whatever bad that happens is completely their fault, while whatever good that happens can be laid at the feet of external circumstance.  Many people who deny compliments are equally quick to accept criticism and judgment. 

While compliments are rejected under the predication that an outside source is responsible, the criticisms are taken wholly to heart and nourished in the garden of internal despair.

We think we are unworthy or undeserving of a compliment.  In short, it is grounded in our low esteem for ourselves.  Usually low self-esteem is the result of years of allowing others to chip away at our dignity and self-respect.  Unfortunately, when we negate a compliment we are, in fact, disrespecting the giver.  In essence, we are denying their ability to reason and make judgments.

The very act  of rejecting a compliment is a perpetuation of the same erosion of respect which caused the low self-esteem in the first place!

So how can we better accept compliments?

Be honest with yourself.  Be accepting of your qualities both good and bad.  Know  thyself.  It is in this way that you can embrace the positive, because it is merely a reflection of your own understanding.

Practice.  Sometimes you just have to practice.  Stifle the urge to deflect the compliment and accept it in the fullness of grace in which it was intended.

Just say "thank you".

SELF-DISCIPLINE

Before I discipline others, there should be assurance first that I have well disciplined myself, to gain effectiveness. Children are wise as we all know. They love to follow our deeds, whether right or wrong. As we discipline them, we shouldn’t be surprised if one of them would pass the blame on us, elders.

Disciplinary actions with love is the best solution for someone whom needs discipline, for it doesn’t hurt a person, but it helps to educated self.

To discipline ourselves is one of our main responsibilities as an individual, which is the key to grow faster, and add wonders to a character. If there’s self-discipline, a person would have honor, trustworthiness, reliability, and justice.

Be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath."

James 1:19

The first and best victory is to conquer self.

Plato

Mastering others is strength. Mastering yourself is true power."

Lao Tzu

Mountaintops inspire leaders but valleys mature them."

Winston Churchill

If we don't discipline ourselves, the world will do it for us."

William Feather

The Good LORD gave you a body that can stand most anything. It's your mind you have to convince.

Vince Lombardi

It is not enough to have great qualities; we should also have the management of them."

La Rochefoucauld

It is necessary to try to surpass one's self always: this occupation ought to last as long as life."

Queen Christina of Sweden

Keep away from people who belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great."

Mark Twain

Self-respect is the root of discipline:  The sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself.

Abraham Joshua Heschel

Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anybody else expects of you. Never excuse yourself. Never pity yourself. Be a hard master to yourself-and be lenient to everybody else.

Henry Ward Beecher

The power of a tiger isn’t on the sharpness of his teeth, and of his eyes, nor on his voice does that sound like a thunder, but on his heart that says “I am a tiger”. Heart is where self-discipline starts.

Joyz