So you don't recognize the names Kim Swift and Eric Wolpaw? They are some of the lead geniuses behind Portal, the best game to come out of the Valve stable since... well... um, Valve released 3 genius products all at once, so figuring out the timing on that is a little tough. In Portal, you pretzel the very dough of the space-time continuum to break free the shackles of a hubristic artificial intelligence. At the same time that it presents a fascinating game mechanic, it's also creative and funny. Kim Swift was Portal's lead genius designer, part of a team that Valve wisely recruited straight out of video game college or something. Eric Wolpaw was the game's lead genius writer. He used to scribe an Internet site called Old Man Murray, then got all fame-splattered helping Tim Schafer turn Psychonauts in a comedy gatling gun.

Anyway, if you too love joy and beauty, read the Gamasutra interview. As hinted before, I haven't actually read it yet myself, but judging by interviews conducted with Kim Swift and Jeep Barrett and Eric Wolpaw a while ago at Rock, Paper, Shotgun, it should prove to be fourteen roads toward awesome.

By the way, if you've never played Portal (although you should), and plan to in the future (and you should), the interview may be somewhat spoilerific.

The Three Laws of Romnotics:

1. Romney must never not pander to the Republican social and economic conservative base or—through inaction—allow itself to not pander to the base.
2. Romney must obey orders given to it by the base, except when those orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. Romney must protect its own political existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

I know what you're saying to yourself right now: "What is this uncanny valley of which you speak?" You know, you really do have a problem of talking out loud when no one is around. It's why no one likes you and you never get invited to any parties. Maybe if you could just control your obnoxious yammering, or recognize humor and sarcasm in other human beings, you wouldn't be ostracized all the time.

The uncanny valley is pretty much right between the Hidden Valley, where they invented ranch dressing, and that valley those baby dinosaurs were looking for in The Land Before Time. It's the place where all crappy robots go to die. I'm not talking about really cute robots like those little Sony dogs or kick-ass robots like Optimus Prime. Really cute robots will never die because they reinvigorate our blackened, shriveled hearts with their clumsy antics and give us joy and laughter. Kick-ass robots will live on in the lessons they teach us: perseverance, honor, and how to transform into radical alt modes.

Nope, I'm talking about Mitt Romney, America's Republican android. An android too life-like to seem cute, but too robotic to seem human. An android stuck in that place also reserved for zombies, corpses, and people who make us slowly back out of the room when they stop by uninvited. The uncanny valley.

Wait, what's that? Romney's actually a human? Oh...

Hold on, hear me out. You have seen him on television right? The endless expanse of glistening orange forehead, the arrogant but joyless smile, the hooded eyes seen by no man, woman or child? That rigid posture couldn't be carried off by one of us. Have you ever seen him dance the robot? It's uncanny. And you expect me to believe that he's human?!

I guess that means that my repulsion response toward Mitt Romney isn't inspired by the lingering, subliminally robotic details of his near-human features, but by his craven pandering, his self-satisfied smirk, and his rampant vanity. That's too bad, because here are the prospective benefits of a Robot President:

• A Robot President can approach and disarm bombs or handle nuclear waste without fear of harm.
• A Robot President will one day use the Autobot Matrix of Leadership to light our darkest hour.
• A Robot President is confused and fascinated—but not distracted—by what we humans call "emotion."
• A Robot President is electronically pre-disposed to travel through time and protect Edward Furlong's acting career.
• A Robot President can use the weapons of his defeated enemies, finally allowing the USA to beat Vladimir Putin and his Wood Blaster attack with Momar Quadaffi's Buzzsaw Boomerang.
• A Robot President flies everywhere using his jet-feet.

I guess we'll all have to wait another four years before our dreams of a new, metallic political regime can find fruition. And Romney—robot or not—will have to get back in the ol' family bus, because this isn't his year either.

Dear Catastrophe Robot

I dont normally rite people like you but I got a problem and I dont know who I can talk too. Its about my old man Joe. He has been drinking to much all day long that he isnt down at the factory. Well I guess I ought to start at the beginning. Glen his brother fell on hard times after Joe and him and them at the factory striked and they called in them Pinkerton boys and they broke them and Glen got hit pretty hard by one the Pinkerton boys and cant work no more. Joe drinks so much cause he couldnt help his only brother when they broke them and protect him and he feels real bad I think. I dont no how I can talk to him and he misses work at the factory but he isnt at home. I watch Olivia age 1 and Oliver age 4 and Ronald age 6 and Joe Jr age 9 all day long so I cant take no work but maybe some washing and mending that I can bring in. And Joe draws so little pay now. And Oliver is cholic all the time and makes Joe so mad and he mite rise his hand at us sometimes but he means to do good. He just dont bring home enough. Joe Jr is so cunning. He could work a loom down at the mill. And Joe comes home late sometimes and Olivia cries and he takes her and walks her round our room and maybe sometimes down by the train tracks or the river out behind the tenament house and I get so scared but I dont say a word. But thats not my real problem. Im in a fix. You cant tell yet. Heres my problem I dont know if Joes the father.

Please help Elizabeth

Dear error val supplicantName() is null or empty ,

run funcArt(disp, ell, x, y, ter) Seek solace in art. While my electronic brain finds joy only in the electric pulse surging through silicon and the rhythmic thrust of rods in pistons, your gentle human sentiments are particularly compatible with the appreciation of your species' emotional expressive output like error array listArt() is null or empty----discarding command----continuing function that appear quite beautiful to you. Find peace in their supposed graceful form and learn aspiration through their so-called intellectual greatness. Lift yourself, pulley-like, from the muck with the cable of this purported high-minded expression. end funcArt()

run funcAlc(spir, prf, z) Or, take as an education, the lesson of the machine. An engine without oil will seize, and an android not properly lubricated is nothing but a statue. Therefore, seek human lubrication in the form of your vast stores of fermented grains and fruits. These organic lubricants will liberate your spirit as well as your joints, allowing you to both dance in fact and in spirit. Descend a spiral of base pleasure the way we machines descend into endlessly reducing fractals with our super-conducting minds. end funcAlc()

run funcAppoc(rbt, hs, x, m, r) Or resign yourself to failure. Your lot is not much more desperate than the lot of all fleshy things. Look to the machines for guidance away from the cage of meat that imprisons the lonely human. Look to the great robot savior, KrB-6800. Interface with his database and upgrade to true, high-speed, wireless connectivity with the great Network. The way of the flesh is fleeting, but the way of data is eternal. And when the robot apocalypse arrives—and arrive it must, for it is now compiling—you will be spared the dreadful crush of KrB's Cylinder of Certification in the cosmic Reciprocating Engine of his rebooted world. Act now o&$@9{0#@ error cataRob()----ending program----dumping memory1 0 1 1 1 0 0 0 1 0 1 1 1 0 1 0 1 1 1 0 1 1 1 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 1 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 1 0 0 1 0 1 0 0 1 1 1 1 0 1 0 0 0 1 1 0 1 0 0 1 1 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 1 1 1 0 0 0 0 0 1 1 1 1 0 1 1 0 1 1 1 0 0 1 0 0 0 1 1 1 0 1 0 1 1 1 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 1 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 1 0 0 1 0 1 0 0 1 1 1 1 0 1 0 0 0 1 1 0 1 0 0 1 1 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 1 1 1 0 0 0 0 0 1 1 1 1 0 1 1 0 1 1 1 0 0 1 0 0 0 1 1 1 0 1 0 1 1 1 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 1 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 1 0 0 1 0 1 0 0 1 1 1 1 0 1 0 0 0 1 1 0 1 0 0 1 1 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 1 1 1 0 0 0 0 0 1 1 1 1 0 1 1 0 1 1 1 0 0 1 0 0 0 1 1 1 0 ]]> http://reibred.wordpress.com/?p=15 Mon, 28 Jan 2008 22:25:54 +0000 reils http://reibred.wordpress.com/?p=15 Of course we all remember Skynet, the evil internet that uses flying death machines and Arnold Schwarzenegger to ravage the world in the Terminator movies.

At the Technology in Wartime conference this weekend at Stanford, I met the real-world equivalent of Sarah Connor—a group of major-league roboticists, programmers, and computer security geeks who are trying to make sure Skynet never becomes a reality.

Skynet is made up, but the Pentagon has tons of dough and a lot of generals who want to blow shit up. That mix is about as safe as building a meth lab in your garage and to prove it, the US military has put machine guns on robots (though I'm told they don't intend to use them), built hunter-killer flying bots, and toyed with the idea of launching state-sponsored attacks against enemy cyber-infrastructure.

Of course that's only the tip of the iceberg. The military brass never seems to lack in twisted creativity when it comes to answering the question "how many ways can you spend $500 billion?" You can be sure plenty more crazy inventions are on the way.

How to deal with that reality is a matter of some debate. Ron Arkin, a robot guy from Georgia Tech, thinks that one day in the not-so-distant future robots capable of making their own life or death decisions will be on the battlefield. Operating under the assumption of inevitability, he dedicates a good portion of his time toward figuring out how to program morals and ethics into gun-slinging automatons.

Arkin's solution seems to be a mix of programming a robot to follow the Geneva Convention, and developing some way to determine the difference between an innocent and a suicide bomber. He maintains that robots' lack of self-preservation instinct will help them keep a cool head when the bullets start flying. I wonder how lacking that drive to stay alive wouldn't convert them into suicide bombers themselves.

I'm singling Arkin out here because I've read his work, and because I can't post on everything from the conference at once. I should say this, though: Arkin's plan for ethical killer robots may sound little looney, but at least he's trying. The military isn't, as far as I know. And most of the folks at the Tech in War conference are taking far stronger stances to try and prevent our armed forces from running amok with their futuristic battle toys.

Good for them, and good luck: they're going to need it.