Left Lane Drivers of America.

The part of me that lusts after such automotive treats as the Autobahn thinks this may be a good thing. Something that may help get the terminally clueless or arrogant to move out of the left lane and stop baulking faster traffic can only be a good thing - and I've sat behind many a just-below-the-speed-limit rolling roadblock many a time.

Then sensible part of me then pipes up, telling the other me not to be so rude. Just because someone isn't driving as fast as I may want to does not give me the right to seemingly act like an aggressive asshole to others, or to force them out of the left lane.

But that's the issue. A lot of state driving rules state that slower traffic should keep to the right lanes. Some states go as far as to post signs on the highway reminding people of that fact. Any yet, people drive in whatever lane they feel like, at whatever speed they want, no matter it's effect on those they are sharing the road with.

Frequently, the mantra "speed kills" is trotted out to justify using an inordinate amount of police man-hours to collect revenue fines from those driving above an arbitrary speed limit. If speed was truly the killer in our midst, then unrestricted German highways should be a veritable bloodbath.

Well, according to data provided by the OECD (via Swivel.com), in 1990 there were 126 road fatalities per million population in Germany and 188 fatalities/million population in the United States. However, in 2005 Germany had 65 fatalities/million versus 145 fatalities/million in the United States. So if Germany has higher speed limits and lower fatalities, them perhaps speed isn't the bogey man it's made out to be.

Maybe the Left Lane Drivers of America have a point after all. If people would observe lane discipline more in the US - basically, keep to the right lanes unless you're passing another vehicle - then the flow of traffic would not be impeded as much. Speeders would be free to speed (until they come across your friendly neighborhood law enforcement officer armed with LIDAR) and those who are content to roll along at the speed limit or below can do so in safety. People would not be so tempted to pull borderline-safe passes on the right, or to use the shoulder to pass. Pulling into the left lane to block a fast approaching vehicle isn't really the brightest thing to do in the name of road safety, even if you think that's the right thing to do.

Maybe I should order a "Move Over  >" windshield banner after all.

But then again, to make this a really multi-faceted thought, would a "move over" sticker really help at all? People don't get out of the way of emergency vehicles with lights blazing and sirens screaming, so would they even notice someone else parked on their bumper suggesting that maybe they should just try driving in the right lane for a bit? Somehow I doubt it.

Basically, we're vulnerable - which should give us the upper hand. When you're riding a frame with wheels and "sharing the road" with cars, we feel like these heavy metal things rolling around have a good chance of being bullies. Some (and I mean only some) of them are, and dangerously so. More on that later.

The most un-lazy. I think I can count on all my digits how many times I've taken the bus to work this year rather than bike - and I live in a super rainy part of Canada. So there. See, I love myself more than you already. With this, the fact that we're "un-lazy", we have more reason to act snobbish around potential bullies (see above).

We're "greener", and yes, many of us believe that. While not all road-bikers (exercise and pastime) may be workday bikers - most will have two bikes for that reason.

Stubborn - when we think that we should use the road "as if we were a car", it is for our own safety. Drivers should understand that we wouldn't risk losing limbs just because we're stubborn. But if we're in a 40k zone downtown, and safer away from the danger from parked car doors opening, we'll use the middle of the road.

Which leads me to dangerous time stories. My girlfriend really hates it when I come home with stories like this, because she thinks I'm a douche who probably puts his life in danger. I'm not - I'm stubborn and un-lazy.

Stubborn story. Biking along a slow, downtown harbourside road. In a 40 zone and I'm doing 45, at least. I take the middle of the road because of its narrowness. Car behind honks once, I glance back and wave. Car honks again and revs engine. I shake my head, keep biking. Traffic light 100m ahead, so I keep going. Driver (two lane road) overtakes me on my left, gives me the finger - "pretends" to swerve into me (and that's a fucknut move) accelerates last 20 metres and stops right ahead of me at the light. Lucky him.

Other story. The road en route to work each morning, never a problem in the past. At one point the bike lane ceases to exist and the road narrows as we come up to a stoplight where I would turn right. Huge truck overtakes me, leaving about three feet between me - himself - and the curb. Tight squeeze but I hold my ground. He's raging a little and I can see him in the passenger side mirror (which is a method all bikers should use, on both sides of the car - IT MEANS THEY CAN SEE YOU). He's stopped at the light and I pass the cabin to make my right turn as he yells out the window, "...get off the fucking road". I call him a "ridiculous shithead" and roll away smirking. At this point I'm all worked up, and it's probably a testosterone issue on both our parts. That, and it's before 8 in the morning.

Truck vs. bike ?? C'mon! - THAT is why I hold my ground. While I will openly admit to some occasional snobbery, bullying a biker by using one's vehicle as a tool is not cool. It's like punching the kid with glasses; it's common courtesy not to.

*disclaimer: I wear glasses too.

To the average pedestrian who chooses to work and live in the same zip code, walking is the number one mode of transportation. Peds don't have to worry about traffic, gas prices, helmets, reflectors or running red lights (although they do occasionally cross a green light when there is no traffic coming). A pedestrian's commute is reduced to simply moving their legs in order to reach a single point. Years ago, this was considered the ultimate form of transportation. As communities have grown, people moved away from walking to embrace the wheel. Eventually, humans grew into monsters wreaking havoc with their more efficient transportation.

The cyclist is looked upon by the pedestrian as the "rebel of the road". Too many times I've witnessed cyclists parading downtown with not a care for themselves or others. All cyclists will take the sidewalk (no matter how many people are on it), if it's convenient for them. Or run a string of red lights... if convenient for them. They almost never seem to be apologetic or forgiving to those whom sidewalks were made. Disrespect oozes from their yellow jackets and streamlined helmets. Small and swift - but deadly -  I equate cyclists to the Velociraptor.

The driver is analogous to lazy American society. With the ability to travel 5-10 miles over any speed limit, motorists laugh at the thought of someone who would walk to work. Their shiny, fast, debt machine owns all roads and has no laws if there are no police around. A citation is looked upon as "unfortunate or unlucky", but never as a reminder to be responsible. The motorist consumes without remorse never questioning their actions. Large, hungry and fast - I equate the motorist to a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

I walk/jog to work. I walk to the grocery store. I walk to restaurants and bars. No matter what the day or scenario, I have a unique opportunity to witness some stupid cyclists/motorists.

• On my way to work, I witnessed a car run a red light on Everett, get t-boned by oncoming traffic and flipped on its side. The light was red for about 5-10 seconds.

• A motorists was waiting for a pedestrian to cross the street at a stop sign. A cyclist decided to pass them on the right. Once the ped had crossed, the driver turned right and the cyclist slammed into the side of the car. The cyclist was at fault for failing to yield to the pedestrian. I'm sure the cyclist didn't have to pay for any of the damages to the car.

• I have seen a cyclist being tailed by a mid-sized SUV honking away (seriously, just laying into it). The cyclist turns around, and flips the SUV driver off. The SUV changed lanes, sped up, and then cut the cyclist off.

Ultimately, I don't hate the people that operate these vehicles. I believe in my heart that they are kind and generous creatures. But for some reason when they hop- on/get-in their rubber wheeled vehicles they have a sick sort of entitlement. These people become Velociraptor and T-Rex monsters bent on their own self preservation. Eventually, they will attack each other and destroy one another until Pedestrians rule the Earth.

I have been to places where the turn signal meant "hello there, I need to switch lanes, would you mind letting me" and generally getting the response of "of course not, please join our side of the road and let me thank you" and is always followed with a wave from both vehicles.  Not so in Texas.  Not even close.  If you have ever driven in Dallas rush hour traffic, you know its true.  The turn signal doesn't mean anything close to that.  It means more of "watch the crap out because I am coming into your lane like it or not".  That's if you are the turnee.  If you are already in the lane and you are receiving the turn signal it means more of a "oh heck no you don't!  This is my lane and don't even think about coming over here because I am now in more of a hurry than I was 3 seconds ago and so I speed up".

So my advice to you?  Stay off the roads in Texas.  Hire a drive.  Get someone that is experienced and knows the "Texas etiquette", because the word etiquette only represents a word they don't use there!  Oh and don't forget to not use your turn signal.  You WILL lose your place.  Always remember the Nike slogan when driving in Texas.

JUST DO IT!

Perhaps I'm just naive, but what is happening on the roadways these days made me feel somewhat like this:

Now, given that I don't drive all that frequently (perhaps once every two months!) and that until four years ago I had not driven at all since I moved to Toronto, I started to think that perhaps the rules of the road have changed since I took my driver's test some four score and seven 20 plus years ago.

So, I decided to check out this handy Ministry of Transport reference guide which I read back in 1986 and then threw out:

However, I must say that the MTO guide did not really describe what I've seen happening on the roads of late.  So, I've begun to think that there must be another Driver's Handbook out there - probably titled "Wankers of the World Unite" or something along those lines!

Anyway, the apparent new Rules of the Road raise some questions for stupid little me:

• why do the car makers continue to put turn signals in cars if no one actually has to use them?!

This one I actually find very confusing because they actually have these digital signs on the 401 now which flash such useful information as "Don't drink and drive", "Follow Ye Not Too Closely" and... my favourite ... "Use appropriate signals when changing lanes".  I actually drove right underneath the latter sign about 30 seconds before being cut off by a bastard driver who - of course - had not used the signals.  To cut him some slack, though, JJ told me that I had missed the part on that sign which read "...except for the guy in the white hatchback". 

• when did they start letting you make a left hand turn from the right hand lane on a red light?

• are there unwritten rules as to which people/vehicles those signs which say "Turn ye not left here between 9:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m." do not apply to?  If so, where do I register?

• where the posted speed limit is 100 km/h and I'm in the slow lane on the 400 highway and doing 120 just to keep up with the Joneses, why do the people behind me think that I should actually be doing 150 km/h and honk at me and give me the finger then zoom past?

• is it actually now legal to drive while doing your makeup, consulting your GPS system and talking on your handheld mobile phone?

• is there some new rule that says you have to let in those people who speed to the front of the merging lane when the traffic is backed up and then try to butt in?

And, one last but very important question indeed:

• when in God's name are ye gonnae learrrrn how to parallel park, lassie?!?!? 

I'm not going to say something irrational like, "cyclists suck and we shouldn't have them on the streets". Bicycling is a great workout, and for people that want to use bikes as a mode of travel, well, you're certainly allowing me to breathe cleaner air and buy gas at a cheaper rate. Thanks! But often there are major problems with the whole "Share the Road" campaign.

How many times have you seen the following? Cyclists with NO helmet, NO blinking light, and BLACK clothing riding through town at night. Because keeping your fauxhawk perfectly groomed is much more important than making yourself visible to vehicle traffic. Or how about this? An "intense" bicyclist (Lance Armstrong wannabe) shooting through intersections and screaming "on your left!" to peds. A few more of my favorites are wear-a-skirt-that-is-dangerously-close-to-the-bike-chain girl, fixie-bike-messenger guy ducking and weaving through cars, and mother-with-bike-trailer slooooowly climbing a hill with 20 cars behind her.

It's not the bicyclists fault that they are so stupid. Oregon law makes it incredibly easy for them to be ignorant. Many people move to Oregon from other states to take advantage of our "bike friendly" culture. But there are few mechanisms, minus a nice instructional accident, to inform newcomers of Oregon's bicycle laws. In Oregon, bikes are treated as vehicles in the eyes of the law. Fair enough. That's why bicyclists are required to wear helmets, pass safety tests for licensing purposes and carry insurance. Oh wait. They actually aren't required to do any of these things.* But yet, they are allowed and encouraged to share the road with motor vehicles. This is so nonsensical. And bikers are obviously not smart enough to realize that they are at a disadvantage in the whole scheme of things.

The reason drivers are required to carry licenses and insurance and conform to certain safety standards is the simple fact that objects moving around in the same area will inevitably bump into each other. Add bicycles to the mix, and it is only a matter of time before a collision. And guess what? Even though drivers/cyclists are about even when it comes to fault, big car will smash small bike every time. I'm pretty sure every driver who has hit and killed a bicyclist, even if it was the bicyclists fault, feels really horrible about it and is traumatized. That is why driver's get so pissed when a biker pulls a stupid move. The bikers have the same liability, but no conditions to enforce responsibility.

*Exception being helmets required for children under 16. The minute you hit 16 years old, your life is in your own hands! But don't try to vote or drink.

Now, I'm starting school in one more week. Well, shit, another 5 days since it is technically Tuesday. While I am excited to go back so I can get my mind back into Accounting gear... but seriously- this is it. This is the last summer vacation I will EVER have in my life. From now on, it will just be work, work, work. And to think, I spent half my summer vacation dealing with stupid bastards in Bus 189 and busting my hump in Bus 128. When I was in high school, I always remembering saying how I couldn't imagine my life past the age of 25. I couldn't imagine just me being alive, let alone getting a degree and getting a job- or even getting married. Hell, I couldn't even imagine myself with a boyfriend, and an awesome one at that. Call me pessimistic, but I never thought my life would surmount to much. But, here I am- a strangely more confident creature than I used to be. But, this is it.

On some really random note: We will be visiting UC Berkeley  on Wednesday to look at some graduate programs and talk to some professors.

On a really awesome note: On September 5, we will be watching Nine Inch Nails in the pit at Oakland! Rawwwr!!! And apparently they're allowing camera's, so, watch out for pictures to be posted!

Visitors to Portland frequently comment about how nice we Portlanders are. A friend visiting from NYC actually made a comment about all the niceties: "It's starting to freak me out!" Portland is also recognized as one of the country's most bike friendly cities. And even though a rare 20 minute hold up in traffic will send any seasoned Portland driver into a full on panic attack, LA this is not.

However, the cyclist versus driver war has erupted into irrational levels of general madness. Since everything else about people's lives is so... well... nice, are we just hating motorists because of the potential threat they can cause to our lives due to their cell-phone/child-rearing/food-eating vehicle experience? I realize some cyclists suck but I'm convinced that every driver operates a mass murdering vehicle of death.

People, I drive and I bike - and I have personally sucked at both at one point or another. I have ran stop signs in neighborhoods. I have used sidewalks and other non-designated "safe" bike lanes (cycling is an improvisational art!). I cannot tell you how many times I've seen motorists run red lights without considering the damage that he/she could cause to others. At least when I cut corners, I'm only putting myself at risk.

So for all you motor vehicle operators out there, start paying a little more attention to where the *expletive deleted* you are *expletive deleted* going. Not only do you have a responsibility to your passengers, but you are obligated to SHARE the road with others. Just because you drive a 2004 BMW doesn't mean you can cut me off therefore putting my life in danger because I wasn't going 10 miles over the speed limit.

For more information about Oregon cycling, sign-up for these e-newsletters:
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Before I even pose this question, a disclaimer so no one mistakes my meaning: I am in NO WAY excusing what the doctor did. I don't care what the cyclists were doing, there is no excuse for intentionally using your car to injure someone (ok, maybe if you're being abducted at gunpoint and you crash your car to get away... but I digress).

So a question: Should bicyclists be riding two abreast like this, on a narrow road with no shoulders? According to Oregon law, you are allowed to ride in the traffic lane if you are moving at the same speed as the traffic. I don't know what California law is on this issue, but from what I read and heard in the video, it doesn't seem like these guys were riding at the same speed as traffic. I've seen people do this in my area as well, ride side-by-side which is all well and good if they're in the shoulder and it's wide enough to accomodate two riders. 

Personally, I am opposed to this riding side-by-side when the road is too narrow, the same way I would be annoyed if someone was driving along at 15 mph lower than the rest of the traffic because they just wanted to take a leisurely drive. Intentionally riding in the traffic lane knowing you are impeding traffic when you could easily move over and let the cars go by is rude, arrogant, and dangerous. Bicycles do not have special rights, they have the same rights as cars. Common courtesy, people, common courtesy.

So we pile in the car and off we go. We had a nice drive to the Peaks. Lovely views. Stopped for photo ops. Just had a nice drive. We drove into a town called Buxton. Very cute. Its an old spa town. The types that the rich Victorians would go to and be healed by the waters. My husband drove up to the back of the town and on a one lane, one way street we started looking for parking. As quick as can be, and SUV started backing up. We had to slam on the brakes. "Cool, parking" I said. Because this SUV had shot back so quick we needed to back up to let them out. Didn't have a lot of room as the SUV behind us had to slam on their brakes as well, but S backed up a bit. Just then, the car behind us started honking and flashing its lights. We stopped, didn't think to much and the SUV pulled out of the spot and we pulled in. The car behind us kept honking, flashing its lights and I noticed that the woman in this SUV was getting out of the car screaming. What the heck? So S rolls his window down and this woman is screaming every obscenity known and telling us that another woman, parked on the sidewalk/pavement, and not in the car, was waiting for that spot. How this woman knew what was going on in front of us, or in the mind of the woman parked on the curb, is still a mystery. But she was really angry. Red faced. Screaming. Man, I should of taken her picture to post. I had my camera in my hands. Next time, I will be photographing and posting to be sure. After a few mins of exchange between them, she drives off. I had S go ask the woman if she was waiting for the spot. She said yes, but she hadnt been in her car at the time. What ever! So I made him find another spot.

Buxton is a nice town. We had a wonder around. Just in town the heavens opened. I mean it was pouring. We ducked into a cafe for lunch.  One again, I am let down by the food we are served in the UK. We decided to get full English breakfast. I usually don't go for that, but I know that my son loves sausages and would eat most of it with me.  One scrambled egg, barely cooked through, one small sausage, one fatty piece of English Bacon, one piece of toast, half a grilled tomato and a spoon of beans. Two of these and two pots of tea... £12. That is close to $24. We always feel so ripped off eating here. We wouldn't of stopped but for the rain.

We left the area and had a nice drive. We went through hill and valleys and villages and towns. We drove through Bakewell, Edale, Eyam and a few more. We saw the Blue John Mine. We decided to get out and wander around Castleton. This is an area that my husband used to go to the youth hostel and stay when he was young. There are tourists wandering everywhere and we figured there must be some cute stores. So he decided to drive up the road, no parking but a great view. Just a lovely stretch of valley. I was looking at the view, trying to decide if it was worth stopping for a photo, when a movement caught my eye. This young woman was yelling at me. "What the F you looking at?" What? I wasn't even looking at her. With all the tourist around, I didn't even pay attention that people where around. She was F'in and Jeff'in and glaring. Talk about a chip on her shoulder. We drove on, found parking and wandered around. But that woman had ruined it for me. I just wanted to leave. Actually, all three horrible women had put a damper on a day that I was really looking forward to. I was ready to go home.

If, in the future, I have my camera and people behave like that, I will be photographing. I swear I will start a new blog so people around the world can add horrible people, their stories and their pictures. So next time you want to behave so poorly and have road rage or any other kind of rage, you better be prepared to be shown to the public in all your glory.

One thing that is ridiculous and tops my "one of the most ridiculous things on this freaking world" list is Road Rage. Everyone gets it, has gotten it, and has wanted to blow the person up who just cut them off on the freeway. A few days ago I was doing my almost daily drive on the California freeways. If anyone knows California they know we are know for the "California Roll" which occurs when a car approaches a stop sign and slows down, checks for on coming cars in the other directions and continues on their way. The problem with this little time saver is the fact that you must come to a complete stop. Look both ways before proceeding. And then continue on your way. California is also known for the crazy drivers and bad traffic on the freeways.

Continuing with my story, I was driving on the Freeway and I encountered quite a few people who wanted in front of me at the worst times. Everyone was squeezed in like sardine cans as two or three other cars had other motives than us other cars. Their main goal was to get through the traffic as fast as possible. As one lane moved quicker than the other those three cars were in it. No matter what It took those cars had to get to the lane that began moving faster. Through out our journey in the forest of cars those three cars were always in panic mode. I'm not certain but I'm pretty sure there wern't Mothers about to give birth in all three cars.

This made me wonder. Why do they want through so fast? Are they claustrophobic in large amounts of cars? Do they REALLY have a pregnant woman inside their vehicle? Are they on fire? Now, I'm not a slow driver so don't think these people just wanted to get past me because Grandma over here is driving. No, that's not the reason. In fact I know how to drive very well. I'm not a skilled racer but I do have enough logical skills to know how to merge onto a freeway without slowing down any other cars in the process. I know well enough to pass an slow aggressive driver who speeds up every time you try and pass him (personal experience). I know how to drive well enough that when I get in a situation where I need to think fast and rationally, I can. I am also smart enough to know not to speed through the Freeway with traffic or not trying to get to my destination while endangering my life and everyone else's around me. I have been in many situations where these skills were put to the test.

That being said, I hate Road Rage. I think It's ridiculous. Those three cars that were on the Freeway weren't my first experience with crazy drivers and careless drivers. It is just my latest story. It's truly amazing to see what people will do just to get in that space in front of you. That little extra space. A few feet closer to home where their Mommies will make them Milk and Cookies and snuggle them up in a warm blankey and read them children's books. What makes Road Rage what It is, is another person putting your life and the life of your car in danger. At first you ask yourself "Why did he just do that?" and then you think of what you would've done if you saw it coming. This is where you get angry at that person. Then you proceed to take action by speeding up cutting off cars and then eventually catching up to the culprit and flipping him off with both hands (gestures may vary). So in the process of exacting your revenge and making his Freeway maneuver look like child's play you've managed to get a whole slew of cars behind you angry, who are now just beginning the process of how they should flip you off as they drive by.

The entire motive behind trying to get through traffic quickly is simple. It's not because they don't like your new pink and blue Winnie the Poo Licence Plate boarder, It's because they want to be better than the average person. They want to be the one on top of the food chain, the one who doesn't follow the crowd, and the one who is smarter than the rest of America. What better way to show how smart you are than by weaving in and out of other cars? In today's world people are scared and don't want the label "dumb" but they want the label "intelligent", "observant", and "more deserving" but they aren't. They are the opposites of all of those descriptions.

So, the next time a car speeds by you just smile and think how It will be when that person runs his car into a ditch or gets pulled over for driving like a moron. Driving on the Freeway at high speeds in general in dangerous. If they continue like that the odds are much higher that they will be served justice one way or another.

*Variety is the spice of life...Especially when it comes to fucking.

*If you're trying to kill yourself, don't jump from 4 floors up, you'll just break everything...GO HIGHER!!!

*Buying a new pair of shoes will solve all life's problems (for the moment) - repeat as often as necessary!

*Sharing a bathroom with another girl is worse than death.

*When putting things in "a safe place" try to make a mental note of where you fucking put them.

*It's okay to yell at the idiot that cut you off, cause he won't hear you utter mean things anyways.

*I know it's mean to make fun of people that didn't look at themselves in the mirror before they left the house this morning....but damn, it sure makes me feel better!

*If you're going to sleep around with the whole town...you might as well be getting paid to do it!

*What goes around, most definitely comes around. - so use a condom!

*Just because you said so, doesn't make it right.

*Never stop in the middle of a blow job to ask him how it feels. Same goes for guys going down on a girl.

*If you say you're going to do something, DO IT!

*What looks good on her may not necessarily look good on you.

*Make your man buy you a bra - it will most likely be the most support he ever gives you...unless you divorce the bastard and take the kids.

*If you're avoiding someone's phone calls just say, "oh, sorry I must have left my phone at home that day."

*Always get your hair done at the same place. This prevents a lot of sobs and tears.

*If he has "THAT LOOK" in his eye....it just means he wants to fuck you.

*Never do anything unless you get something rewarding out of it.

*If he starts to ask THE question...take the ring and run away quickly. Don't look back. You'll thank me later.

Your pal,

The Husband

P.S.  You're probably also the guy who stays in the lane that's ending until the last second, finally merging when there is absolutely nowhere else to go, and cutting off a quarter mile of formerly happy motorists.  When the terrorists say they want to kill Americans, they're talking about dicks like you.

I was wishing I was a State Trooper today and I would have ticketed and de-licensed those who:

• feel it's ok to STOP on the exit on/off
• trucks that just ride the passing lane
• TAILGATERS (what is UP with that?)
• slam on brakes at the sight of a State Trooper (once you see him, he's most likely already seen you and taken note of your shenanigans--just wave and go on)
• brake riders (rear-end collision causers!)

I was trying to find some scripture about road rage (I know it's not in the Bible! I mean the whole concept of being impatient and irritated!) and kept coming back to stuff about patience.  I just needed to go lay down, LOL. At least I didn't blow it!

Tomorrow is another day....

 Have you ever been driving down the road, minding your own business, talking on your cell phone, when you notice nothing in your rear-view mirror but the grill of the car behind you.  You have now found yourself right in front of a classic tailgater.  How do I rid my rear-bumper of these dangerous road menaces?

  First, I bought a mannequin arm off of EBAY. Don't laugh, you can truly buy ANYTHING on EBAY these days.  Take this mannequin arm and glue your OLD cell phone into the palm of it's hand. Bend or break the arm and re-glue if necessary until the arm is in a cocked position as if it were holding a phone as any natural human being, in a sitting position, would hold it. Then simply apply a few Velcro straps to the arm, place it on your right shoulder, and start off driving down the road, being careful to keep your hands low on the steering wheel and down out of sight. To any car behind you in traffic, they will see your profile of the back of your head and shoulders and a cocked arm holding a cell phone to one ear. This is the standard silhouette that you see when looking into every other car out there on the highway...right?

  Now, when you get a tailgater in your mirror, consciously slow down a little so that you can be sure that they have a good view of you "talking on the damn phone!!" as they stew behind you. Then, very important, with the opposite hand, you grab your "REAL" cell-phone and raise it to your ear and simulate talking on the phone. To the shocked tailgater, all he/she can now see is your back with BOTH arms holding cell phones!! Now is when you use your "free" hand which is still down low and you start weaving the car back and forth as you tap your foot on and off the brakes. The tailgater will see a maniac driving down the road with no hands on the wheel, talking on two phones at once, and trust me.....THEY WILL BACK OFF!!

  When we go out as a family we like to do this to all that make the misfortune of getting too close to my back bumper. We have enough mannequin limbs that each member of the family can strap-on a fake cell-phone arm and we even jury-rigged a tiny little paw that can be worn by the family cat or dog!!  Nothing will freak out a tailgater more than pulling up behind a car with EVERYONE including the dog talking on their damn phones!

If you really want to freak them out, do what we do at Halloween each year. Instead of old cell-phones, we glue toy handguns into the palms of the mannequins hands! Oh, the looks that get's!! Happy Times, Happy Times!!!

But there was this incident yesterday, on one of the roads I was on, Boones Ferry. At least this time witnesses were able to get details to the police and the two in the pickup truck were arrested and charged. (I had reached my car and was long past this area when it happened.)

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!

WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good stuff.  Thanks Jim.  :)

Here in Illinois I do indeed see many more people riding bicycles, and scooters (I see lots of those 'new' license plates). There are noticeablely more people on the bus than last year, and school has not even started back up. But there is another trend that worries me. The car dealerships are having such a hard time moving their stock, they are making drastic offers for large SUV. I have seen quite a few new ful sized SUVs as well. People can't resist a good deal I guess. And I don't blame them. I mean the deals are so good, that you would probably break even on the gas price differential over the first year, maybe even two. Given this, I am not so sure the concept of 'demand destruction' will hold true, at least for US energy consumption.

On another related note, I had a road rage incident yesterday. I have been in the field all week, and I drove yesterday in order to pick up some equipment. When I got back from the field, it was about time for Jordan to get off, so I went to pick her up. We were on our way home when we came to a 4-way stop on campus that is notoriously slow due to mass pedestrian movements. I was second in line to make a right turn. The car in front went. The car waiting on the left went as I pulled up, then it was my right of way, so I started into the intersection. All the sudden the car to my left guns it, honks, and the driver is literally screaming at the top of her lungs, "It is MY TURN, your cutting me off a$$hole!" among other niceties. I was already half way through the turn and for safety sake muscled the rest of the way in. Then I gladly went exactly the speed limit 25 :) We got the the next light, where I was turning left, she went straight. Which was long enough for her to honk again, pull up along side us, and continue to yell niceties at me. She was SO upset that I 'took' her turn through the intersection. I mean you should have seen her face. She was 1-2 bpm from having a massive aneurysm!

Jordan and I were not angry or riled up by this woman's outburst, but I can almost guarantee she is probably still steaming about it this morning. yeesh. Really people, can't we just get along? Wow.