Sorry that there's no post today - I spent last night working on an extra-secret...project...related to this blog and never got around to writing an actual entry.

Because of this...project...I'm going to be posting regular entries only on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday until the...project...is complete. I'll still post stuff on Tuesdays and Thursdays (except today), but it'll be something other than and shorter than my usual entries.

I'm hoping to have the results of the...project...available in the Fall.

In case anyone is wondering, here are some details about what the...project...is not:

• I did not get a book deal
• I am not building a tiny fort
• I am not making a movie, music video, television series, or mock-u-mentary
• Chuck Norris is not involved in the...project

See you fuckers tomorrow.

Figure 1: Self-Portrait

Figure 1: "When you get sad, stop being sad and be awesome instead." -Anonymous

Shhhhhh...listen. Do ye hear that? Turn down the TV, step away from any noise, and listen well...

'Tis the sound of crying. A deep guttural wailing, much of it coming from the south (and Boston) where the racists dwell.

Harken left! 'Twas quick. Doth ye hear it, still?

Shattered porcelain, and a ringing. Metal discs rotate quickly and come noisily to rest, but one rogue of silver-gray rolls toward a wall to be rescued by a pale hand nigh it's collision. The face-in-relief of the first President doesn't look at the boy. It just seems to stare to the left, out the window, or perhaps at the pink shards of its former prison. It's been freed from it's cage for the first time; the little racist boy with the big racist father having smashed his piggy bank.

$6.66. It will have to be enough to order the murder of the dark candidate from the North. He knows the black lord cannot be defeated fairly: for he will cross cutlass with a mere skeleton.

Bottoms up on ye grog me hearties, yo ho! The nomination is Barack's!

I wrote myself a Haiku to celebrate:

Rednecks are sobbing
Black men sprint to the White House
McCain is too old

In continued celebration of what I hope to God is the inevitable, I'm keeping the new Barack Obama banner at the top of the site for at least one week. He is our honorary angry black man, and yes he is angry no matter how much you see him smile.

I'd like to know how everyone else celebrated and otherwise reacted to the news of the clinching of the nomination. I, for one, stood on my balcony laughing like an absolute maniac for fifteen minutes and, I shit you not, was joined in my bellowing guffaws by three black people and one white guy in the next building over.

Sorry, Hil-Dawg. You fought one hell of a fight:

• You first declared a top-down candidacy that you labeled 'inevitable', running on a platform as an establishment candidate.
• When that didn't work, you called yourself a candidate of change.
• When that didn't work, you compared your rival's candidacy to that of Jesse Jackson - and you even cried a little.
• But that didn't work either, so you tried to quash the black vote by appealing to Black vs. Latin sentiment.
• When that strategy fell on its ass, you resorted to good old Clintonian/Rovian scare tactics, taking out red phone ads and even calling John McCain more qualified for the job.
• Then you really dug into the shit pit making tacit claims that Obama wasn't good enough for white voters. Of course...that didn't work either.
• When it finally became clear you might actually lose, you went completely apeshit.
• First, you started making dubious claims that you were ahead in the popular vote (so long as you count Michigan and Florida, and exclude all caucus votes). You tried to convince the DNC that this heavily-altered popular vote was the criteria for taking the nomination. The Clintons actually tried to move the goalposts of a decades-established election playing field to suit their needs at the moment. THAT, my friends, is how you act WHITE.
• Second, you suddenly decided that Michigan and Florida were the most important states in the universe. Quietly brushing over the fact that you initially supported the DNC's punishment of those states for breaking the rules, you fought to get all their delegates reinstated...and you fucking SUCCEEDED!

Ever since Iowa, you tried to latch on to an 'underdog' status and, at the very least, convince everyone that you were a tenacious fighter. But here's the thing, 'sweetie' (as my idol would say) - Obama was the one fighting the establishment candidate. Obama was the one who prevailed despite your SUCCESSFULLY changing the rules of the game THROUGHOUT the primary season. Obama was the one who prevailed despite your scare tactics, racist divide-and-conquer strategy, and even your outright lies fed to and swallowed by the media. Yes, Hill, you are quite possibly the most incredible fighter I've ever seen...

...but Obama outfought YOU.

God Bless America.

In case you're interested, I was interviewed recently by Clutch Magazine. In the interview, you'll find improper use of the word 'depreciating'...which I swear said 'deprecating' when I wrote it.* Still, I've got no complaints.

http://clutchmagonline.com/blogindex/stuff-black-people-hate/

-Chris

* Author's Note: this has since been fixed.

I'm taking the day off from work/blogging to make some repairs to my dance regalia, and see a doctor to figure out what the hell's wrong with my left hip flexor.

Figure 1: These have caused permanent nerve damage in my shoulder

For readers old and new, feel free to enjoy/loathe these classic entries till the next post comes tomorrow:

• Non-Black Hip Hop Scholars
• Stupid Fashion Trends
• Titanic
• Spelling and Grammatical Errors
• Clubbing
• Sex & the City
• Grocery Shopping
• Planet of the Apes
• Traffic

Everytime we say goodbye, I cry a little...

-Chris

Q. Why are you so bitter?

A. This and this have a lot to do with it.

Q. Is this site really about stuff black people hate, or is it just stuff you hate?

A. It all depends on how you define ‘black people’.

Most people go with the tacit definition of ‘black people’ - that is, a ‘high’ percentage of black people. The problem is that very few people are willing to define what that percentage is. Is it 90%? 80%? 50%? 25%? You may think 25% is a low and unreasonable number, but anyone who has ever gathered 100 random black people together and tried to get 25 of them to agree on something will say otherwise. For reasons such as these, agreeing on this percentage is literally impossible. It will always be a matter of opinion as to what constitutes a quorum of black opinion. This leaves the commonly accepted definition of ‘black people’ subject to change, and this is unacceptable to me.

Therefore, for the purposes of this site, I prefer to draw on the literal (or mathematical) meaning of ‘black people’ - as in “more than one black person”. This is a definition that no one can argue with as long as you make it clear that it’s the literal definition that you’re using.*

As such, this blog could also be called ‘Stuff More Than One Black Person Hates’, which is almost certainly accurate in that, for every post I make, I’m sure that I could find at least one of the 40 million or so black people in the country who agrees with it. I did not use this name, however, because it makes for an awkward URL.

And there you have it.

*I don’t make this clarification anywhere on my blog that’s clearly visible, mostly because I am an asshole.

Q. Do your posts reflect your real opinions? Or are you exaggerating?

A. In just about every post on this site, I drift between my real feelings and satire like an injured boxer drifting in and out of consciousness. Part of what makes writing this blog interesting is seeing where people draw the line between humor and seriousness, because most of the time I don't draw it for them. Some authors would feel compelled to make the distinction clear each and every time to keep their readers from becoming frustrated. I, personally, do not feel so compelled.

When I started writing this blog, I did so assuming the audience would consist of myself and my closest friends (at first, it actually did) and wrote the blog geared toward them. There was never a need to me to clarify anything because my friends know when I'm serious and when I'm not. I did not, at the time, anticipate this blog becoming popular.

I made the conscious decision not to alter my writing style once the blog caught on because I felt doing so would be a disservice to the reader I value the most: the one who doesn't take himself seriously, the one who is happy to laugh at himself/life, and the one who does this even if he/she doesn't agree with me. Since I didn't change up the style, though, I get plenty of other readers who take the blog 100% seriously and will either try to engage me in serious debate or simply try to 'serve' me intellectually. While I respect these individuals (at least those from the first group, anyway), I have to say in all honesty that I don't write this blog to wax sophisticated with anyone. I don't write this blog to stimulate dialog. It's not because I can't - it's because I don't feel like it. These folks view this site as being able to spark a kind of cerebral debate akin to lovemaking. I view this site as a one-sided and occasionally-didactic polemic that's more akin to drunk-fucking or masturbation.

I suppose that doesn't really clear up anything. Fuck it.

Q. Are you 'Admiral Furious'?

A. This is a common misconception.

For those new to the site, a lot of comments on the blog are left under the name 'Admiral Furious' - and I suppose that due to the number and length of these comments (and the fact that the title image of this blog once featured him), many people think that Admiral Furious is the author of this blog. This is not the case.

So to put the whole thing to bed: Admiral Furious is one of my closest, dearest, and clinically insane friends, as indicated by the fact that I helped him paint his house and sandblast his walls (this second part, admittedly, I did mostly to entertain myself because I like power tools, and I like making a mess). Admiral Furious and I, however, are two different people.

Any comments I post are under the name 'stuffblackpeoplehate'.

Q. Are you a racist?

A. See this article

Q. Are you black?

A. My unofficial black blood quantum is somewhere between 1/4 and 1/2, depending on how much Indian ancestry is attributed to my mother (which has never been determined to any degree of certainty). So the short answer is, "yes." For those who want the long answer, read on...

I had the experience of being raised simultaneously in both black and native american communities, so I am one of those relatively rare folks that are racially mixed both physically and culturally to a fairly equal degree. Because I don't identify with being black more than native, or native more than black, I tend to hop freely between the two when offering my opinion on things.

This often confuses and angers people - especially when I suddenly take a black issue and offer a native perspective on it. It's as if people want me to 'choose sides' based on the flawed assumption that the whole of my experience is a zero-sum game between my black experiences/perspectives vs. my native ones. This, of course, is all Viacom's fault.

MTV's 'The Real World' injected the collective young American sub-conscience with the idea that people can and should be classified only according to simple and easily digestible archetypes. Don't get me wrong - these archetypes existed way before MTV. It's just that MTV made it socially mandatory for us to apply them to people in everyday life. The best part is that we're all guilty of doing it, but no one will ever admit it.

These archetypes include familiar ones like the Militant Black Man, the Gay Guy, the Bitchy White Girl, the White Frat Boy, the Break Dancing Asian, etc. There's no place in the dialog, though, for the black/red man whose life experience is culturally dimorphic. Someone like this makes for bad television because it may take more than one episode for viewers to decide if they love him or hate him. Basically, he's not polarizing enough in a society that demands emotional polarity. I'm not on 'The Real World' for the same reason there isn't a blog called stuffwhitepeoplefeelneitherherenorthereabout.org.

So the bottom line is this: since this isn't reality television, the people you encounter here (me, those who leave comments, Admiral Furious, etc.) are going to be as complex as the people you encounter in real life. Viewpoints are going to come from every corner of the universe, and they're not necessarily going to fit any predefined notions about who people are or who they should be.

Deal with it.

Q. Are you single/available

A. For the moment, yes.

Q. Why don't you put ads on this site? You could make money!

A. I think placing ads on this site would undermine its creative character, as was confirmed to me when, for a VERY brief time, SWPL.org had ads on its site (I believe they've since been removed, possibly as a result of landing a six-figure book deal).

There are more honest ways to pursue revenue from this site, as long as I'm not too lazy, which I most certainly am...so I pretty much don't expect to see a dime from this site ever. And I'm OK with that.

Q. Do you date women who aren't black?

A. Almost exclusively. Not because I don't like black women, but because a.) black women tend not to be attracted to me and b.) most other races are. I love black women, but I'm not gonna break my balls just trying to get the time of day from a black girl when the hot indian girl across the room is asking ME for MY number.

I've received all kinds of explanations as to why black chicks don't dig me: light skinned guys are out of fashion, I 'talk too white', I don't come off as suave, I don't have enough black friends, I smell like a paper mill, etc. Fortunately, though, I'm good enough for just about every other race of women...so I stopped caring.

It's admittedly frustrating, though, to see my non-black dates being scowled at by black women who would never date me themselves. Oh well.

I would like to extend our special thanks to everyone who's been reading the blog so far. I'm taking a trip to Puerto Rico to calm my nerves, and will be returning on March 13th full of more hate than ever before. I will do my best to blog at least once or twice while I'm there, but I can't make any promises.

Figure 1: Refused to be my Valentine

Before I go, there's one issue that I've been emailed a lot about - namely a lot of people have seen my disclaimer about this blog's similarity to StuffWhitePeopleLike.org, and pretty much leave me alone about it. However, as most of you know, there is also a very popular site called 'StuffEducatedBlackPeopleLike' that people are accusing me of spinning off, since I don't have a similar disclaimer for that site.

I'd just like to say, for the record, that if you look at the date of my first post and the date of SEBPL's first post, you will see that my blog was actually written first - therefore, the reason I didn't write a disclaimer for it is because I'm not a motherfucking psychic. This is not intended to discredit SEBPL (which I find to be a fairly amusing site, albeit less caustic than mine), nor is it intended to defend the originality of this blog. Rather, the intent is to get people to stop emailing me about this shit because my delete key is getting worn out.

SEBPL happens to be the more popular blog by far, maybe because it's more focused, or maybe it more closely mirrors SWPL in subject and tone, or maybe it's better written - I don't know and I don't care. For me, it's not a friggin' popularity contest - it's about keeping me out of a looney bin and entertaining a few good humored folks (and enraging those who are less so) along the way.

So with that issue finally settled (I hope), thanks everyone for your kind words and comments, and for spreading the joyful hate of this website. I'll be figuratively seeing you late next week.

-Chris

This blog is also not intended to be anything original. I can already imagine the droves of (probably white) people who will lambast me for simply copying the ideas of other stuff[ethnicity]people[like|love|hate|loathe].[com|org|biz|tv] sites. So before you waste your time emailing me and depreciating my delete key, I'll give you the answer you're looking for (or not):

I don't give a shit.

The point of this blog isn't to be original. The point of this blog is to keep me from losing my mind.

To put it briefly, StuffBlackPeopleHate is one of the only outlets I have to rant and rave about the things that piss me off as a black man (other things piss me off too, but none moreso in frequency than those that relate to my blackness. The intensity-of-anger prize goes to things related to my Indian-ness, but I digress.) If I do not get these issues off my chest, then there is a small chance that I will become clinically insane.

So please shut the hell up about my originality, and pray for my immortal soul.