There is no ending, nor suggestion;
to the meaning, that
it was the right thing to do:
after all, I was just on the lam

©Dean J. Baker

March 1976
Athens, Greece

I think the important ideas here are The blank canvas, and Painting the more perfect picture. If we do not fall, do not fail, do not learn from mistakes, how are we to become better? How are we ever to have the opportunity to make a masterpiece?
Masterpieces are made from imperfect pasts, mistakes, painful lessons and grief, shame, rage and more - but all mixed together, the masterpiece looks beautiful. Because it is all that we are.

So - I'm very very curious who my readers are.
My blog stats doesn't tell me heck about who actually bookmarks me, or comes back. I wanted to do a whole "Ria's Reader Please Stand Up" thing. But I think that is a little vulgar. Still. Comment and leave a trace if you wish.
The kitten will be killed by her own curiosity.

in gedanken versinkend grüble ich bis ich in diese klassische, altmodische welt eintauche, die mir sagt, dass ich mal geheiratet werde, eine tolle hausfrau und mutter abgebe und auch in einem netten eigenheim wohnen werde.

dass es da einige probleme gibt, angefangen von kindern, ob die denn überhaupt marke eigenbau sein können und werden, ob der wundervollste mensch in meinem leben, den ehemann geben wird und ob das eigenheim wirklich eigenheim sein wird, versuche ich nicht zu berücksichtigen.

wenn ich an diesen traum denke und ein wenig rationalität zulasse, dann erscheint mir alles, als ob sie "schwere träume" wären, einfach weil alles noch in so weiter ferne steht und weil ich mir wünsche, dass alles einfach perfekt wird.

andererseits sind diese "wahn"vorstellungen angetrieben von hoffnung. ich will, dass es eines tages mal so ist und nicht anders. ich wünsche mir ein gemeinsames leben mit einer großen liebe, die alltägliche und auch nicht so alltägliche probleme zu überwinden hat. ich wünsche mir das, was ich nun habe, gemeinsam in einem eigenen bett, einem eigenen heim. mit eigenen neuen regeln.

und vielleicht später, wenn man mutig genug ist auch ein kind. eine klassische sache. ein altmodischer traum von mutter-vater-eigenheim-kind, wenn alles gut geht. ich liebe, ich lebe, ich bin glücklich, manchmal unzufrieden mit einzelnen situationen, aber im grunde meines herzen unglaublich glücklich.

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Aku apply cuti, ni kali kedua dalam tahun ni. Rasanya last ambik cuti bulan Mac. Isk2. Ni pun apply sebab terpaksa - nak lapor diri sebagai student kembali...:)

Pagi tu ke UPM, lepas submit semua laporan kesihatan, lepas tu ke GSO (yang jauh gila atas bukit nun!). Semua setel dalam setengah hari je. On the way balik ke umah, singgah opis jap, ambik barang. Balik umah - membuta sampai petang. Ish2...

Jumaat, 4.7.08

Cuti lagi. Asalnya ada taklimat program kat fakulti (mcm pelik je panggil fakulti - dulu kat USM mana ada fakulti, semua pusat pengajian aka school), tup2 last minute cancel dan ditangguh ke hari Sabtu. Aku tak cancel cuti pun (bukannya aku slalu cuti pun), aku singgah opis sejam lepas tu terus pecut pi KL, umah abang aku. Petang tu agendanya adalah bermain dan bergurau senda dengan anak2 menakan. Huhu

Sabtu, 5.7.08

Pagi ni ada taklimat untuk semua postgrad di fakulti aku. Tentatifnya mula pukul 9 pagi, tapi kebanyakan lecturer datang 9 lebih, maka taklimat mula pukul 9.30 pagi. Aku dengan tahap kelaparan yang maksima, tahan jelah. Pagi2 tu sampai kat UPM, satu kafe pun tak nampak yang dah bukak. Maybe sebab student tak ramai lagi, yang ada hanya student2 baru je (termasuk aku hehe). Nasib baik la ada sikit refreshment. Sempat kenal beberapa orang kawan2 baru dan lecturer yang akan mengajar dan handle program ni. So far so good. Harap2nya aku boleh bertahan sampai grad! :)

Ahad, 6.7.08

Pagi, ikut Bijan + my SIL ke Pasar Chow Kit. Hmm. Area Chow Kit & Kg Baru memang sangat sentimental. Lama tak datang sini.

Petang, meronjang dengan Izira & Madihah di Jusco Cheras Selatan. Sempat beli novel HES - Ketika Cinta Bertasbih Episod 2. Dek kerana nak diskaun 20% untuk novel tu, terpaksalah register jadi member Popular Books. Tak sedar plak selama ni tak penah ada membership kat Popular, hanya ada untuk MPH & Times Bookstore je.

Then, Madihah belanja makan kat Johnny's. Makan steamboat bersama2 kakak, abang ipar dan adik dia (Jiji). Sangat kenyang. Sedap gak rupanya. Hmm sekeping gambo pun tak ambik dek sangat teruja untuk 'masak' dan masing2 nak tunjuk skill n strategi-sapa punya 'periuk' lagi sedap! Haha.

Lepas balik dari Jusco, hantar Madihah pulang, dan tumpang solat Asar. Tapi niat tersembunyi singgah ke umah dia tu adalah untuk membuat pinjaman DVD pirate dari koleksi yang dia ada! Banyak gak aku pinjam...mau berbulan2 baru habih tengok semua. Movie omputih, cerita Jepun...isk2 macam2 ada...

Then, hantar Izira balik. Nak dijadikan cerita, masa dia nak bukak kunci pintu pagar, kunci tu tercampak ke dalam longkang yang agak dalam yang tak tercapai tanganku mahu pun tangan dia. Nak pulak, takde sesapa kat umah dia. Mujur ayah dia bleh datang pass kan kunci kat LRT Bukit Jalil..kalo tak ko tido luar la cik Izira oi...:P

Balik ke umah abang aku, esok paginya terus ke opis dari KL. Barulah terasa betapa peritnya traffic jam time pagi2 bila semua orang rushing pi kerja. Tak sanggup den.

Huh. Kerana buat2 sibuk minggu lepas sebab tulah tak sempat nak update blog. Alhamdulillah perkara yang meyakitkan kepala aku dah setel sikit2. Hal postgrad, umah sewa (dah ada kawan nak masuk)...so aku dah waras sikit la skang ni ;P

Akhirnya lepas 3 tahun baru la aku berpeluang sambung belajar balik. Mudah2an dipermudahkan oleh Allah. Mudah terima ilmu, mudah faham. Cepat grad. Insya Allah :)

Bermula hujung minggu depan, aku akan menjadi sangat sibuk. Sibuk pegi kelas di hujung minggu. Maka kurang kegiatan berjalan2 dan berwindow shopping dan juga melepak di rumah menonton tv. Jadual aku akan berubah. Argghhh! Well, semua perkara yang baik menuntut pengorbanan...:) Wish me luck! 

Set your goals high, and don't stop until you get there. - Bo Jackson

** Aku dah bosan dengan background yang lama. This new background looks simpler and cleaner. Refreshing. :)

One of the goals I set was to learn a musical instrument.  I didn't think it would be that hard.  The guitar seemed cool, so I bought a guitar and learned three chords (I believe that made me eligible to join the Ramones!), but primarily earned sore fingers and gained a new appreciation for the flexibility of guitarist's hands.  I've picked up my guitar on and off over the years, but have never really had the passion or dedication to excell at guitar.  I have thought about piano too, since we have had one sitting in our living room (nice decoration) for several years waiting for one of our kids to learn (I'm not much of a musical example to them).

I think one of the things I am learning from this goal is that I must be passionate (or at least interested) about a goal in order to achieve some measure of success.  I believe I really set this goal with a thought to impress others, rather than having pursued self improvement - another good lesson.

Imperia -- the sushi happy hour was super-packed, too crowded really, and the sushi was passed apps, which means my friends and I each got about three pieces. They were tasty--cream cheese and eel, a crunchy take on spicy tuna--but I don't know that I'd be inspired to go back. Their weekday happy hour (4 to 7) does boast 2 for 1 apps, so it might be worth a light dinner stop.

Sullivan's -- because the sushi happy hour was so packed, we hit Sullivan's next door for their Thursday night $5 bar entrees and $5 specialty martinis. We didn't end up eating (though we later made a pit stop at the Torchy's Tacos trailer next to Little Woodrow's with good results--fabulous, spicy queso!!) there, but we plowed through their martini menu! The fellow in the group enjoyed the Dirty CEO martini, a dirty vodka martini with blue cheese-stuffed olives. The ladies alternated between the Caprihna (a Brazilian concoction my friend described as "lime-y with a banana aftertaste"), the Mango Tango, and the Goodnight Kiss, a new take on the chocolate martini, as it doesn't use creamy chocolate liquer, which makes it taste much lighter and less calorie-laden (not to assume it isn't, it just tastes like it isn't), plus it's topped off--er, um, bottomed--with an actual Hershey's kiss in the bottom of the glass. [sidenote: I don't think the beef is free range. I asked the bartender and he proceeded to tell me that you can't raise cows in cages. Um ...]

Thai Tara -- A friend and I went for lunch yesterday, and it was quite good. It's the random little restaurant on West Sixth, across the street from Union Park. I hear it has a great business lunch crowd, and perhaps a lunch buffet, but as it was a holiday weekend Saturday, there were only a few tables occupied. We started with some spring rolls (better than Thai Passion's, and served with a MUCH better sauce), and a soup, the Tom-Ka I think. It's a coconut milk, chile-lime soup with delicious flavor, though I only had a bite or two. Then we had two traditionally Thai dishes: Pad Thai with shrimp and Green Curry with beef (don't worry, I didn't eat the beef ... I doubt it's free range). The Pad Thai was tasty and relatively light; the green curry was spicy, creamy, and delicious. I also tried a little bit of mixing the two; that isn't recommended. I will definitely try Thai Tara again, and before Thai Passion!

Remember I'm a bit of a Thai food rookie. Does anyone else have an opinion on the Thai Food Wars?

While it's NOT an internship (no academic credit), it could be the next best thing.

If you are contemplating a career change, pursuing a lifelong dream or passion, or just merely curious, Vocation Vacations is a fun and insightful way to start.  It's especially valuable for people interested in starting their own business, but who have never owned and operated a business before.

How it works:
Basically, you pay between $1,000 to $2,000 for a 1 to 3 day apprenticeship in the career of your choice.  This does not include airfare or accomodations.  But you DO get a "behind the scenes" view and full immersion into your prospective career field.

If you've been in business long enough, you can also sign up to be a mentor and host "vocationers" in your business.  While the site doesn't come out and say it directly, I'm thinking there's got to be financial compensation for mentors.  Could this be another way to create income for you and your business? To find out, apply!

By the way, I've started to read the founder of Vocation Vacations, Brian Kurth's new book, "Test-Drive Your Dream Job: A Step-by-Step Guide to Finding and Creating the Work You Love."  So far, it's an interesting and worthwhile read, giving practical advice on how to pursue your dreams job, change careers, and work through fears, financial contraints, and other obstacles.  It also includes case studies of people who have participated in Vocation Vacations.

Enjoy!

He’s telling me about his adventures like this: “I know I can’t become successful in my current job by just doing what I have being doing ever since I started here! This means I have to change what I am doing. But what can I do?

I see that my friend is a stockbroker, maybe I should become a stockbroker, but the markets are not doing so well and neither is my friend. Aha! I heard there is an options trader coming to town. He’s giving a course, maybe I should invest my money and go on that course and learn all the secrets of the options trading and know where to invest. I’ll even buy the software, allowing me to track the markets, but as I go along I realize that I don’t know so much about this industry after all. So maybe I can start a franchise, buy someone else’s working concept and make more money, but which one should I buy? Maybe it’s easier to start my own company. My uncle has started his own company. Maybe, this is my destiny? Ok, but his business is not doing so well either, so I can not do that.

Hey, my Auntie has a business in networking marketing, residual income. Maybe something for me, right! Let’s do that! But wait, my brother is an insurance agent. That sounds like big bucks, right? Maybe I should talk to him. Or wait, my mother, she’s playing the lottery, maybe I should do that! Right! Is it really? No, this is all too confusing; maybe I should keep doing my current job after all. I end up doing nothing at all!”

If that is awfully close to your reality, it is time to think again about your focus, understanding and commitment. It is a great idea to invest time in finding your passion.

If you don’t know how, come and talk to me!

Enjoy every day,
Bert Verdonck
Create, Connect & Contribute

One of the most common questions I’m asked in my Mentoring and Coaching workshops is this: “Wekie, what really matters in making such mentorship and coaching relationship work?”

My answer is: Your Heart.

It’s your heart that allows you to touch lives and change them for the better. And it’s your heart that can move the toughest of stone will.

But what does it mean by The Heart of Mentoring and Coaching? Let’s explore what does this entails:

1. Sincerity within yourself

2. Selflessness of service

3. Commitment to improvement

4. Passionate in being positive

5. Acceptance of others

6. Confidence in rising to the challenges

7. Gratitude and Appreciation of each other

As you continue to mentor and coach someone, check yourself against these traits that lie within your heart. When you want to make your mentoring and coaching work, your heart will be there to make it Excel Beyond Excellence!

What do you think?

Oh more photos here!

Either way, I still have a lot of living left to do, and I'm going to make sure I get the most out of it. I want to use the time I have more wisely. I want to love people just a little bit more. I want to push myself to that next level. I'm going to be more passionate about the things that God has created me to be passionate about. 

I'm going to be better at 24 than I was at 23. So look out 24, here I come!

♪ Currently Listening to Ender Will Save Us All by Dashboard Confessional

☆ Inspiration of the Day . Operation hot bod

"I want to give you whatever you need
What is it you need?
Is it what I need?
I want to give you whatever you need
What is it you need?
Is it within me?"

Today was just another day in the boring life of summer. Today however was supposed to be, GREAT AMERICA to see KABA MODERN and PASSION! Too bad EVERY SINGLE PERSON declined my offer except Suzie but that was too late cause I already signed my day off to take care of granny. I am SO UPSET about this. I seriously asked 10 people if they would like to go. Ughh Why does everyone leave to better places July 4th? I just wish I was able to go somewhere. Hopefully we'll go to our annual Las Vegas trip. I absolutely love that trip because it just means shopping shopping shopping, and staying in the VIP suite at VENETIAN. Thank you grandfather for being such a HIGHROLLER. Haha. Last time they even gave us a fruit basket. How exciting. Well that will be later down in the road.

Today I stayed home to take care of the grandmama. How exciting right? Not! So for the first few hours of the day, I just sat there, attempting to read American Pageant. I couldn't get past the first page! Ughhh. Silly APUSH. On the summer homework packet, it said that typing your notes is highly recommended. You know that means right? I totally got distracted on the computer and went through stores to see what I wanted. I ordered a pair of vans last week. They should be coming in the mail anytime soon! It's this really cute coral pink color. Yes, it is yet another pair of colorful shoes to add to my collection. I can't wait to wear them! Haha. I've also been saving for a pair of high end jeans. It's been thrown back from my texting overage explained a couple of days ago, but I'm coming back on that. Mhmm I really want some raw jeans. For those who don't know, raw jeans are jeans that have never been faded. You're supposed to wear them for 6 months straight with no washing. By doing this, all the creases you make while wearing them will fade, thus you can create your own fades! It's really exciting and gives me a reason to wear the same pair of jeans everyday even though I pretty much do right now. Haha! Anyways, they're aimed pretty high at the least $150. I want nudies or this new brand I just came across. It's called sling&stones. I really like the fit of these, but they cost a hundred more than nudies do! Ughh. But they're extremely nice looking and the fit is amazing.

Well anyways, after looking around for a bit. I decided to work on this thing I've been working on. I call it Operation HOT BOD. c: Haha. I went on the bike for an hour. And did those stair moves where you go up a step, then down. And repeat like 39587093248509384 times but with a chair for higher elevation. For the butt. After that I did 100 crunches and 100 Ritter sit ups. If you play volleyball you know what i mean. You do a sit up, then stand up without using your hands. It supposedly works your entire body and man do those hurt. Haha. But I love ab work, it's my favorite kind. After that, I decided to work my arms in a productive way. By scrubbing my bathtub! Well I forgot to take a picture of my bathtub before cleaned, but if you read a couple days back I tye dyed shirts. The only con to tye dying is that when you hang them up to dry in your bathtub, your bathtub gets dyed too. The bottom half of my bathtub was dyed blue. So weird and annoying! So I decided to scrub scrub scrub and made my bathtub squeaky clean! I also want to give a HUGE THANKS to ALEX TOM and his amazing mixes. I wouldn't have been able to have a good time singing and cleaning my tub without them. c: So here's the picture of my finished product. Oh and that black dot on the tub, it got chipped off. A present from my dearest older sister now in college. Yes I use Bed Head Control Freak Shampoo. I actually do not recommend it. It doesn't give that shine that Pantene gives. But it smells amazing. I would describe it as GUMMY BEARS. Delicioso! So If your hair is extremely oily, Go for it, it smells amazing. c: Anyways, yes this is my now clean bathtub. I couldn't wait to use it after exercising and cleaning. Haha, ummm I can't really say anything more on my bathroom.

After that, my dearest grandpa came home and wanted me to pick some fruit in the backyard with him. I wish I took a picture of my backyard, it's a freaking farm. Full of fruits and vegetables! Absolutely no place to just hang out and sit on the grass cause there is no grass! Well, I discovered a new fruit today. It's called a doughnut peach. When I saw it i was like, omgwtfbbq these peaches are RETARDED! They look like flattened peaches! So here's my comparison picture between a regular peach that looks like a butt, and a doughnut peach. It is absolutely WRONG looking. However, I found out that I really like the doughnut kinds. They are extremely easy to eat. You could just pit the seed out and eat it like a doughnut without feeling like you just wasted a lot of the fruit! They were also extremely delicious. If you are family or a family friend, I'm pretty sure my grandpa will give a bunch of these and some plums to you too.

Mhmm that's pretty much all that happened today. Wow I need to get a life. I spent over an hour trying to find my baby camera. I haven't seen it since my house got new carpet which was in December. Ughhh. I miss it so much! I've been using my mom's camera, which is definitely NOT as cool as my cherry red Exilim. I think I'm giving up on looking for it. Should I keep on looking or buy another one? Oh dear, decisions decisions right? Well I'm working on the Ender's Game essay questions right now. This is why I chose this song. I'm wondering if it is directly connected to the book. You think? Ahh anyways. If anyone is taking English Honors next year, you should start on summer homework. It is EXTREMELY LONG. Unfortunately I cannot get past the first chapter of Cuckoos. Hopefully I'll be able to get to that by tomorrow. c: Well I hope everyone had a more exciting day than I did, and if anyone got to watch KABA and PASSION at great america, you must tell me everything about it. Okay? I really wish I was able to hear Passion's sweet voice in person. His voice definitely has wooed me. Haha. Alright, I don't know how to end this so I'll just end it how I usually do. Welps, See you Laterrrr! ~ wendychann♪

Hi dear,

Wish you enjoy a nice day and willing to joy over the afternoon.

The passion of love as everyone seeks for it, but almost thinking about getting laid with hard sex. In this point of view it’s insufficient. Thoroughly there much lot required and contribute to enrich the perfect passion of love.

Within couple sharing love care is the upmost important as to worry and usually thinking about the way living and be sure to demonstrate with charmed and words. As express oneself loving and lovely words to another with tenderness and gratefulness. Not to hesitate to show your thankfulness of how nice to be together in warmth and friendly. Be anxious in every particular thing and life gift happen and to cater of at our most convenient. Sure to share the very single happiness which brings from any of you and both will keep strength for their living company as well present is always hail in memories.

When talking to someone you are living with love, when talking try to come across each time, you touch ,caresses and let your bare hand to flow your partner body ,nevertheless you will find the enthusiasm while seeing the lovely eyes overflow with cheerfulness. With all these surely you ill enjoy the passion of love and will find irresistible as each day will have its own benefits and surprise.

So savor the passion of love as its life pleasure, you will be delighted.

Smile and be happy

C4luv ……………….

I was actually making some food when there was a loud knock and Cousin Harold came thumping in.

“That for me?”
“No, Harold. That for me.”

Kind of reminded me of my non-english speaking aunt who would call asking for my Dad. I’d pick up the phone and there’d be a, “Dat Joe?”
First time I wondered who the fuck this is. Some retard off the street selling jam for feet or ice for freezers, something useful and predatory.
I said, “What?”
“Dat Joe?”
Initially, I’d say just a minute and get my father. But it got to the point where I’d say to my father, Dat Joe is on the phone. He’d just sort of laugh and say, “Could speak better of your relatives.”
I thought she’s about as much my relative as the garden squash, and has the same linguistic capabilities.
Next time she called, there was the usual, “Dat Joe”?
So I said, “No, Dat Dean.”
“Dat Joe?”
“No, Dat Dean. Dat Joe not here.”
Click.
Oh well, so much for me bettering the planet through my human relations’ skills.

I was brought out of my reveries by a vaguely annoying sound that reminded me of a WW2 bomb dropping in a black and white film.
Harold stood there grinning at me.
“Sorry, had cabbage for lunch.”
All the wild cats on the porch and standing on the windowsills outside promptly rolled over and ran off.
“Must have a date, eh Harold?”

“I’d swear you’re psychic. Yes! I have to meet this honey down the street at Bumpsies in half an hour and I thought I’d better get some tips from the master.”
“Hey Harold, what’d the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip – so sorry, Harold, ran out of tips. Besides, you can pick your own off the drugstore shelf for about $5.”
“C’mon….”
“Harold, I do some writing, but I’m hardly one to advise you when it comes to women.”
“Yes, you can, Dean. Your father has told me about all the women you’ve had come around.”
“Harold, they were just errant Jehovah Witnesses looking for a place to rest their feet, or needing a gardener, always wanting donations, and belief. I made sure their toes were relaxed, the soil was tilled, and the donation a memory. Nothing special. Anyway, I’m not for hire. The last one I talked with sailed ship with a donkey, another woman, and a bag of pistachios.”
“They do that, eh?” Harold said with what passed for a sly grin.
“Harold, the cats do that.”

“Well, maybe I could see her.”
“I never saw her, Harold. She kept saying she was going to come up here and visit when I talked with her, but after a series of ‘just a second’ when I’d hear some damn strange noises erupting from the phone, she chickened out.”
“Perfect for me! If she chickens out, no loss; if she doesn’t, I get a date.”
“What about the woman waiting down the street?”
Harold had grabbed a beer from the fridge in the meantime, and came back into the kitchen after a tremendous noise.
“Don’t slam the fridge door, Harold!”
“That wasn’t the door,” Harold replied, smiling like Buddha.

I thought about the prospect of unleashing Cousin Harold on the woman. Yes. Truly perfect. Even though I still miss her like the moon.

“Alright, Harold. I’ll call her. I am certain she’d be glad to meet you.”
“Well do it, now.”

The phone rang. Serendipity. And yippy. I answered and it was her, squawking out,”Well where the fuck have you been, hiding out with trolls?”
Thank you, Jesus.
I said, “No, entertaining my Cousin Harold. He’s a writer, too.” I neglected to mention that Harold did his writing on various indoor Poop Room walls.
“Can I meet him? Anything to do with you is magical. You’re my obsession.”
Fuck me gently.

“Sure, he’d be glad to meet you.”
“What’s he look like – not that I’m concerned about that – but just curious.”
“Sort of like a cross between Magilla Gorilla, and Bluto.”
“Right on. Let’s do it.”
I told her Harold would meet her right away, done deal, and hung up.

“Harold, you have a date. One hour. In the shopping mall.”
“Where in the mall?”
“The parking lot. She’s a little concerned about her security.”

Harold ran off and began slicking his hair down, tightening the belt, and generally huffing and puffing. Certain as all guys he’d get the girl, treat her well, and he could then go back to whatever his vocation was while she sat at home, ate bon bons, cursed her fate, and planned where to stand when she whacked him over the head as he came in the door.

I’d barely settled down to eat my meal when Harold came thumping back in the door, and sat down, eyes star-gazed.
“So, that was quick. She have binoculars and spot you coming?”

“She was very lovely, thin, and smart as hell. Sexy in her sweet unassuming air. But as I got to her, something happened.
She was very casually dressed, yet nice. With thought for her look, and the affect. Ordinary, yet elegant.
I held out my hand and said, Hi, I’m Harold. At that very moment, her face turned red, she squeezed her fists together – sort of reminded me of that little nimrod in the restaurant awhile back – and just blew the biggest gas I have ever heard creep from some female’s backdoor beehive.
Not to be outdone, I threw up the Pepsi I’d just had to calm myself and the rumblings of an empty stomach, and a loud belch erupted.”

Twins, I thought.

“So, what’s the future hold, Harold? Sounds perfect for you.”
“It’s like that herd instinct you were telling me about one time. We’re due for each other.”
“Harold, I was distinguishing between the hard instinct, so to speak, and the herd instinct of violent sheep. You know, mad ewes chomping down on you because they see another doing it; and saying that if they got their hard instinct together, there’d likely be no sheep action.”
“Oh,” was Harold’s singular reply as he gazed off, drooling.
“Come on, Harold, you’re looking like a bridegroom already. When’s the happy day?”

“Well, she has to have her colon checked, and I need to have those Easter Island heads on my bunghole popped out or whatever, then we’re off on vacation.”

Harold, never shy.

“How do you know she’s the one, Harold?”
“We said our hellos, like I said. Then we took a stroll through the department store because she said she’d like to do something else.
I was looking at getting some brand new T-shirts for the occasion, and I couldn’t help it. A family was across the aisle and I strained but couldn’t stop the ass trumpet from going off.
I thought I was done. The husband looked like he’d kill me, and the wife looked at him like ‘well, there’s your buddy.’

Next thing I knew, Ms. Crankypants was coming down the aisle, yelling, “I’ve found you!” Big smile on her face, not like the others who would always make me feel second-rate.”

Imagine that, I thought.

I could see the conversations now. Harold in one part of the country would pick up the phone, and arrrk into it; and his beloved, Ms.Crankypants would thrust the receiver against her ass like a small but unloved dog, and bark back.
Young lovers.

Oh Happy Day.

©Dean J. Baker

I am imprisoned with no bars. Only walls of wood, widows, and fear. A long trail of sin has trapped me in silence and stifled my courage. I am a child lost and locked away by societies perception of right and wrong. Good and evil. Blood and water sweep beneath my feet. It started with a distraction. An invitation to forbidden. "Watch this with me","look at what i found" are the phases that caught my attention. I found myself enveloped in curiosity and pulled to forbidden over and over with Delilah to watch. Tape after tape of adult expression and obsessions. Emotional release and sexual gratification filled the screen. My first taste of porn and i, less than a child, enjoyed it. That Delilah knew.

Innocence lost in forbidden is all it should have been but the nature of man leads us, propels us to want more. As i slept nervous fingers crept under my sheets. Id touch myself but these aren't my hands. They circle my waist as they quickly remove my pants. I grab these wrist in question and recieve the answer of a pillow shoved in my face. It took my voice away but left my hot musty breath. She sat on the pillow to keep it in place and shackled me there with her mouth as she embraced the start of my manhood in her lips. My phallus ached with no pain and i cried with no tears. There was no confusion or wonder i knew exactly what this was. It was wrong, it was sin, and it was forbidden. After she had ravaged what she had found she left with the statement of "Don't tell cause u liked it so that makes it your fault since you,re a boy." And i hated that i couldnt stop her. Delilah had devoured my innocence and my protest was null. Max what have u done? Why have you been so weak? If you knew it was wrong and hatted it why were you pleasured? This is your fault.

It is the nature of man to be greedy and Delilah, being of man, fully expressed her nature as it took more to satisfy her hunger for instant gratification. When ever my parents would leave she would corner me or wrestle me down. Now she would just mount me and grind the pleasure directly into her. It resembled a drug where the initial method of consumption quickly fades and new methods of delivering the high to the blood stream must be found. She no longer needed the pillow to silence my voice. She now would just feed me from herself and remind me that if i refused to finish her meal that my sin would be exposed. So i ate and i passively let her devour every part of my childhood ignorance to adult passion. But there was no passion here. This was not like the tapes. Delilah felt no emotion only the void that fueled her appetite and i was only the tool for her release. The months passed and the hatred for the forbidden grew but words remained silent.

This of course did end but memory failed me on how or when. Delilah is still a presence in my life but nether of us mention the months in forbidden. It almost appears as if she doesn't realize anything happened. Now as an adult I don't feel the hatred. I believe i released it in many dysfunctional relationships that the stories haven't yet been published for. Sometimes i ask why but the questions will never hit ears. I would think that possibly someone had done the same to her and thats why she released her anguish on me. She was only a few years older than myself so there was no way she should have been a part of this forbidden. When i see how time has taken a toll on her i feel that she has never visited forbidden to feel physical indulgence but only to fill the missing pleasure she lost. She just wanted to be loved. And her relationships repeat a pattern of trying to trade sex for love or at least limited affection. As for myself i don't have lasting trauma from the experience or at least crazy people never say they are crazy. But i do know that i am not normal. I am a broken handbag that must be carried tightly under the arm cause my straps are no longer attached. There is nothing in me to hold on to someone else. The stage of development where sex and emotional attachment are obtained never spawned in me. The forbidden is no longer the desire or craving for sinful lust, but for me the forbidden is the longing and fulfillment of an emotional connection with someone. What are you doing Max and where will you find it? This is your fault and your greed. Or is it just the nature of man in search of redemption? Memories fill my baggage. I am imprisoned with no bars, only walls of earth, sky, and fear.