I cherish the very special bond we have.
You lift my spirit in so many ways.
I celebrate your life, I honor you,
And send to you my love and care and praise.

Happy Birthday, I Love You!

Mom hasn't slept in days and we're worried of her health, she barely touched her food and she's not taking her medication either. It was days of crying and sadness, nobody could console her. It wasn't until Tuesday that we heard back from my uncle, he carries with him good news. My aunt and her family are unharmed, they took refuge in Malabang right before the attack in Kolambugan occured. Mom was so relieved to hear the news, but she refused to settle down till she hears her sisters voice. Two hours of waiting, and uncle finally got our aunt on the line. The conversation was filled with tears, followed by a feeling of ease.

Thank heavens they're okay, it's a huge relief finally seeing Mom back to her senses...

 I can't wait to sing Proud Mary with my Lola Tina real soon...

On our very last day in Banff, as my mother and I were taking a walk along Lake Louise. She asked me this question that caught me off guard. She said, " I'm going to bet my life on this. But you haven't forgiven your Dad for what has happened to us. Right? " I heard her loud and clear, and I was left clueless. Should I lie or should I lie to myself more?

The truth is, Mom is right! I have always hold my Dad accountable for there divorce and our families separation. If not for his infidelity, my siblings wayward life would have been different. Mom wouldn't be with another guy, and like a fairy tale. We would have live happily ever after. Part of me wants to understand him and another wants me to seek someone else to blame for what our family has gone thru.  But how do you exactly hate your father? And make him pay for the unhappiness he caused?

I was lost in words and realization. That I couldn't find the words to say and describe the way I feel towards my Dad. He is a good man, yet he was an awful husband. He was not the ideal father, but he was an amazing provider. Truly, he wasn't perfect and he is human in every way. But how do I see pass his flaws? Which reminded me of what my Lola use to say --- It is hard to forgive the people we love and trust. Much more, if it's the family we adore.

It's been years since my parents decided to go there separate ways. And still, I had some resentments that I haven't fully defeated. I understand that Mom and Dad are better off separated, and they're indeed destined to be friends rather than a couple. And instead of thinking of ourselves as victims,  we'd rather condition our minds to think that we were offsprings of what was once a happy and devoted relationship. That I should feel blessed, that our parents continues to love us beyond there separation and shortcomings.

Then, it was my turn to ask Mom --- how were you able to forgive him? Unlike me, she was quick to answer. She said, " If I wanted to be bitter, I could have done that easily. But I have three wonderful children to thank him for. I have you guys! Your Dad is every bit human, so he has imperfections. He made a mistake and he had suffered enough, when we decided to file for a divorce. He knew that was the price he has to pay for his misdemeanor. Trust me when I say that your father is a good man. He may not be the best father, but he's been a good provider to us all. Try and weigh the good and bad things he's done. And you'll be surprise of your fathers kidness and generosity. He may not be an effusive guy as you wanted him to be, but he has got to be a good person inside. Just remember how your Dad accepted you when you came out to him, not every man in his position would be accepting as he is. That right there is unconditional love! So, if he's able to look pass your imperfections. Surely, you'd be able to do the same for him. "

I was left silent with what Mom said, she hit the nail right on the head. Dad didn't deserve a cold shoulder, he deserves my utmost respect. I felt so disgusted over my lack of appreciation, how can I be naive? For if there were people that truly loves me for who I really am, that would be my family --- my Mom and Dad. I have no right no hold any resentment. For Dad has only shown me nothing more, but unconditional love and kindness.

Monday morning, Mom and I went to her Oncologist and Surgeon appointment. I was finally able to convince her to pursue possible surgery, chemotherapy or radiation treatment. Our conversation with both doctors went well, and I finally discovered the severity of my mother's illness. I think I understand now, why she kept it a secret for sometime now. Guess she didn't want us crying at her expense, and wanted to spare us from the pain of her current health condition.

It has been one hell of an emotional roller coaster for me and the family. And thank heavens, we are still alive and kicking ass. We are continously praying for divine healing, that the Lord would show mercy upon us. Things are tight and our hearts, feeble from time to time. But I know that things can only get better from here. For as long as we have faith...

The eagle like the mighty phoenix
emerges from the ashes
bruised, but not beaten
stronger than ever
Out of the rubble of destruction
Seeds of hope
Stories of courage
Heroes emerge

Take time to play; it is the secret of staying young.
Take time to be quiet; it is the opportunity to seek thy soul.

Take time to be aware; it is the opportunity to help others.
Take time to love and be loved; it is God's greatest gift.

Take time to laugh; it is the music of the soul.
Take time to be friendly; it is the road to happiness.

Take time to dream; it is what the future is made of.
Take time to meditate; it is the greatest power on earth.

So, I'm taking my time off and hope to see you all in a little while...

Thank you very much, Mom. I love you!

Love, Nell

Sa aking pagtulog na labis ang himbing
Ang bantay ko'y tala
Ang tanod ko'y bituin
Sa piling ni Nanay
Langit ang buhay
Puso kong may dusa
Sabik sa ugoy ng duyan mo, Inay.

May hihigit pa ba
Sa isang katulad mo
Inang mapagmahal na totoo
Lahat ng buti ay
Naro'n sa puso mo
Buhay man ay handang ialay mo.

Walang inang matitiis
Ang isang anak
Ika'y dakila at higit ka sa lahat.

You should conquer love instead,

Give some and then take some,

If it still doesn't work,

Move on to the next.

And do not stop,

Until the shoe fits perfectly.

Yup, my mother said all that. And to be honest, I didn't get it at first. But I eventually found out what she meant by it. If only she told me that in layman's terms, it would have been much easier. Don't you think? Hahahaha...

Our conversation continued for a whole hour, I finished getting dress and eating breakfast and we were still talking. Talk about making up for the lost time. Not a day passed by after that, when Mom wouldn't call. She's back doing the routine, checking on me first thing in the morning and before I retire for the night. Surely, we missed each other a whole lot. Now, I have a better understanding of the this saying --- cant' live with them, can't live without them!

Mom's rendition of PEACE not WAR, hahaha!

Jeff is a good friend and Mom use to like him. But  ever since he declared his feelings for me and the HIV positive situation. Mom decided to kept her distance. Gone are the days when she'd invite him for dinner, family gatherings or even movie nights. She totally cursed him out of her life. She didn't say anything, but it's quite obvious. Even a moron would know her sudden dislike for Jeff.

I do know that Mom is entitled to her opinions. But I too, have my own. Jeff has always been a friend, and he'll always be. It's just unfortunate that she couldn't see nor feel the goodness in his heart. Jeff, who dropped his contracting job just to help a friend in need. She does not see that, but I do. Maybe she's being protective of me, or feels suspicious of his intentions. But I know my place, I know where I stand and I completely trust him.

He's a friend, no more, no less. And that's all there is to it!

-Carolyn Myss-

I checked my inbox yesterday and got myself another email from Ted. Since he moved away, we've been sending each other forwarded messages. But the email I got this time was rather serious. He didn't start out his greeting with the typical "what's up sugar?" or "how's my darling splenda?" (the sweetener, corny huh?) So I had this funny feeling that his email was totally humorless.

True enough, there was nothing laughable about his email. There were no jokes or funny pictures. Ted said that he met someone special and was about to get into a relationship. And that, all he's waiting for is my blessing. I was like, what blessing? What is my involvement in this? And so I asked Mom for some advice, she said to me --- when he said blessing, what he means by that is forgiveness. It was then that I remembered how Ted said sorry to me, quite a few times before he left. Only to raise my voice and sending him away. Now, I know exactly what he means.

After my conversation with my mother, I decided to email him back. Quite obviously, we've both moved on. I'm quite happy the way I am now. Surely, Ted deserves the same. And now that love is standing right before him, who am I to knock off his chances?  Ted and I were not lucky to be lifetime lovers, and we may have ended our relationship on a bad note, but that is all in the past. What matters now, is that we're happy and life long friends...

Ted, if ever you're reading this. I wish you happiness, I give you peace, and may you're love for this new special someone last a lifetime or even more. With love and sincerity, I say --- Good luck, my friend!

But thank heavens for Super Mom's who never gets tired of rescuing there troubled kids. So to my mother who dared putting that killer red lipstick on to make me laugh. Thank you, thanks so much for trying. For keeping your silence and giving me that warm embrace I'm so longing for, thank you. I am truly grateful for your understanding, for knowing right away without me uttering a word.  For that heart that's overflowing with love for me and my siblings, thank you. I could not picture my life ever, without you by my side.

I love you, Mom. Thanks for always keeping an eye on me...

Mom: What is wrong you guys, why can't you clean up your pantry?

Nell: Huh? What is it, Mom?

Mom: There's like five of you here and you don't know how to clean up after your mess. Look at the food, they're rotting in your pantry?

Nell: Which one? I just cleaned that up this week end. You must be mistaken. I made sure all expired items were thrown away.

Mom: Yah right! Look at this one.

Nell: Mother, that's not rotten. That's my Kombucha Mushroom Tea!

Mom: Unsa? Anong Bucha Tea?

Nell: It's not Bucha, mother. Kombucha!

Mom: You mean you drink that stuff with that jellyfish on top?

Nell: It's not jellyfish, it's some sort of cultured fungus. It's supposed to be good for the health. That was the iced tea you were drinking the last time you were here.

Mom: What? You made me drink that filthy looking tea! Are you crazy? Safe ba yan?

Nell: Ow gracious mother! If it wasn't safe malamang eh syutay ka na kaya ngayon.

Mom: What's syutay? Ano bang klaseng language yan?

Nell: Syutay means patay, dedbol, gituy-od. Kasabot na ka?

Mom: Ay ewan ko ba sayo, kong ano ano na yang pinag iinom mo! Basta, don't serve me that tea the next time. Ok?

Nell: Fine, as if it makes any difference.

Then, I went back to my room. Mom on the other hand borrowed my laptop and browse online. She did some research of her own about this Kombucha Tea. Guess she found it very interesting! That later in the day, we both had a cup of hot tea and then asked me where I got mine from. Hahahaha!

I wonder what happened to not serving her that filthy looking drink?

I do understand that Mom was going through some tough times lately with my cousin's health situation and all. And she has every reason to be upset and moody. And Mom was not alone in this sadness, the whole family did go through some emotional roller coaster. It was hard for me getting up each morning not caring, while there are people who's only wish is to have one more day.  A day to see the sun shine and watch as the moon beams over one more starry night. It's been truly difficult!

But what sparked our argument, was her accusations over my lack of tears. To a certain extent, I was even addressed as one heartless bit-h! Wow, it felt like a knife stabbed me straight to the heart. Was Mom joking when she said that? Does she really mean every word? Just because I didn't shed a tear right in her midst, all of a sudden I turned into this one bad person. Of course, I didn't say anything. I just stood quietly in one corner of the living room, I then grab my car keys and left. I bit my tongue out of respect for my mother.

But looks like Mom came to her senses days after. She realized that she did hurt my feelings. And of all people, she should know that I was grieving inside and feeling my cousin's pain. The accusations were lies to begin with. Maybe, Mom was having one of those panic attacks and it so happen that I'm the only one in sight at that moment; and had no other choice but to endure her wrath and frustrations. I really didn't know what was going thru her head. But whatever it was that happened, I know in my heart that Mom didn't mean harm. However, it's not fair to blurt it out on others. ( I myself am guilty of these, sometimes. )

Anyhow, I decided to pick up the phone this morning. Luckily, I didn't get transferred to her voicemail. I was able to talk to Mom and we decided to make our peace. Of course, there were tears and she was panting on the phone. That I had to console her for a little while. But she sounded very sorry and as a son, who am I not to forgive? Right. I guess we really can't fight love, tough love that is!