That women have been labeled "nags" may result from the interplay of men's and women's styles, whereby many women are inclined to do what is asked of them and many men are inclined to resist even the slightest hint that anyone, especially a woman, is telling them what to do. A woman will be inclined to repeat a request that doesn't get a response because she is convinced that her husband would do what she asks, if he only understood that she really wants him to do it. But a man who wants to avoid feeling that he is following orders may instinctively wait before doing what she asked, in order to imagine that he is doing it of his own free will. Nagging is the result, because each time she repeats the request, he again puts off fulfilling it. [31]

In her book, "You Just Don't Understand", the author, Deborah Tannen, suggests that we ought to treat the conversations between men and women as "cross-cultural conversations" because boys and girls grow up in different worlds. Getting educated on the other world is surely a much needed education, for me at least.

I do believe that women have been unfairly labeled as 'nags', and that we men have an important contribution to creating conditions that are conducive and provoke what we see as nagging. The above explanation does makes sense: it is how the dynamic between the two plays out that determines whether 'nagging' will occur or not. It is constructed by both the parties.

Windows updates are good--they help keep Windows secure-ish and stable-ish, but the constant nagging when Windows Update wants to restart your computer can be a real pain.

You can hack at your Windows Registry to try and get it to leave you alone (which will also require a restart) or you can try a free program called Leave Me Alone! which will temporarily turn off the nagging.

Just run the app and click on the button labeled 'Leave Me Alone!' and these message will be suppressed so you can finish what you need to finish and restart when you're ready.

Then, when your computer reboots, it's back to normal and an update that requires a restart will nag you as before.

How does the program work? By stopping the Windows Update service, which is responsible for Windows checking for updates automatically and nagging about reboots. Obviously you'll want to reboot your computer so the update can be applied and things can return to normal.

Leave Me Alone! works for Windows XP and Vista. For more info check out the product page here.

[Via Download Squad]

From IfMomSaysOk, Tara writes about the morning she lost it and finally realized that everyone is truly responsible for themselves.

_____________________________________________________________________________

We are gonna have a ‘Coming to Jesus’ understanding in my house starting today!

I am tired of getting up an hour before anyone else and still being the one who is late leaving for work. I am tired of taking a short lunch or working a long afternoon to make up for being late. I am tired of being the camp babysitter.

I’m talking about big boys who can’t seem to get out of bed, in the shower and dressed without mommy constantly coming into their room and badgering them. Then still giving me grief if they’re late. (Yeah, I’m bitchin’ about both of my men folk!) I have had enough of that shit.

We have these marvelous modern miracles called ‘Alarm Clocks.’ At last count we have close to half a dozen of these technological wonders in our house. They will be put into use and the human element will be phased out completely, effective immediately.

I will no longer be the morning shrew yelling to get out of bed, waiting until life begins again for these nocturnal undead before getting myself ready to begin the day. No longer will I return to these darken rooms to prod, poke, conjole, yell, and scream. I do not like being that person. I do not like going to work each day angry. And it stops now!

Get your own ass out of bed and take care of yourself.

by Dr. Coach Love

My wife often agrees to do something and days, even weeks later, it's still not done.  I try to remind her, but that gets old and she says I nag.  When I commit to something, it's as good as done. I don't understand why she promises and doesn't deliver.  It's very aggravating when she breaks our deals.  How can I get her to improve in this area?

________________________________________________________________

A common difference within couples is what I refer to as timetable and focus differences.  For example, while you both may agree that the trash needs emptying (sometime), your idea of "soon" may not match her thoughts of when that is. Even if the stench is overwhelming to you and the trashcan runneth over, it may not be as offensive to her or really register on her attention screen. Her behavior might not actually be deal breaking.  It may be a communication weed between the two of you.

The bottom line is that a deal is not always the deal you think it is when you have a different focus and lack a specific agreement on the timetable for task completion.  Partners need to improve on clarifying agreements.

Frequently, incomplete and inaccurate communication produces misperception of a broken agreement. No mutually agreed timetable was actually set and priorities differed.  Couples often do not share the same sense of urgency or focus, particularly with regard to household tasks and family work.  Unfortunately nagging, masquerading as a reminder, takes root as a bad habit, both as the cause of and cure for a problem.

 Partner 1: "Honey, you agreed you would do it!

                   When are you going to get it done?!"

 Partner 2: "I said I would do it and I will, but not right now!

                   I'll get to it later. There is no rush.”

While differences in timetable and focus/priority are frustrating to both -- the "nagger and naggee,” couples can work to reduce the negative fallout from differences. Each partner has a role in creating improvement.

When couples avoid a right-and-wrong approach in their relationship and attribute conflict to individual differences, communication gains clarity and relationships thrive.

For specific ideas on how to get out of the nagging trap, check the Lists on this site for tips.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists-Stop Nagging Tips 

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©        Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.    

                             Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

• If you're cooking at you spill something: wipe it up.
• If you can't be bothered to do your dishes for a while: pile them up neatly.
• If you don't want to clean often: don't make a mess.
• If you want cleaning to be easier: do it little and often.
• If someone else cleans up for you: say thank you.

I finally appreciate what my parents had to go through. I used to use things and leave them wherever I was: in my room, in the lounge, on the floor, in the garden. I never realised how utterly infuriating it must have been for them just to even pick up after me, let alone clean up other mess that I had made.

The past two years I have, at times, felt like a parent picking up and cleaning up after my two male housemates. I'm sorry if this sounds sexist, but the view is that men make mess and don't clean up and the men I know are no exception to the rule (I pray that there are some, though). What's worse, there is no way in hell I can ever reason with them to make them understand. I suppose that's karma for being the same with my parents? I just hope they manage to find women who will put up with them.*

The most important and the most infuriating of all, though, is when you do other people's work and they don't even notice. Just say thank you and you might even manage to put off the nagging for a while!

See: Things I have learnt at University

*Note my housemates are otherwise lovely guys - there is a difference between living with someone and being their friend :P

I'm not giving it to you Joseph...

But I am willing to start another blog (this is it my friend) to share with those who wanted to read the other one but couldn't worm the address out of me :-)

So here we will have a  peep into Malady's mind, and I'll endeavour to keep the content suitable for public consumption... after all, I'm also giving the address to people who have recently bred... and we wouldn't want little persons to feel ashamed of their parents countrified friend!

So what should you be expecting?

Well here is a link to a little not-very-well-thought-out something I dashed off this morning, which was edited and reposted by the man himself. Blog post stealer-er!

Enjoy:

http://blogs.abc.net.au/victoria/2008/06/how-to-get-a-mi.html?program=goulburn_murray_mornings

84th day today. I woke up this morning, didn't feel much pain...I thought hey, maybe I'll be free today... got some dull aches early on in the morning, but they weren't persistent. Then at around noonish, I started to feel it come on, I didn't like it...obviously. It stuck by me since then, and following the pattern got a little worse at night.

By the time my family came back home towards the evening, I heard more of their pestering about my headaches. That's another topic I need to introduce to this blog. My family has taken this headache and made it their own pain and I can't explain how much I hate that. As if I don't have enough to deal with already, the people around me are making it SO much worse. I understand they're just trying to help and they care for me, and I understand that, but I've been through these cycles a few times before, and I see a few doctors for my headaches right now. I want to stick by their treatments FOR NOW and see what can be done. When I'M ready to move on, then I will move on. HOWEVER, every day, I keep hearing about different things in Michigan, in India, in Europe, in Florida, in San Jose, on the Moon, in the Atlantic Ocean (you get the idea), of where I can get these different headache treatments. It's one thing to care, but it's another thing to care TOO much. They care WAY more than me, and I think that's wrong. The best way for me to handle this situation is to be as stress free as possible about it and that's what I like to do. The people around me aren't helping. I like my modern, western medicine. Let's see how the Topomax works out. Today was the 9th day I've been on it. In two days, I begin to double my dosage. In about five days time, maybe it'll take effect. If not, then we'll see what the doc has in store for me. Can't we just do it that way?

I'm thinking about just telling them the headaches are done with. The cycle ended and everything's great, and I'll do my best job of playing it off that way so then I can just have everyone off my case. That way, the people around me don't need to stress out so much, they don't need to unnecessarily go out of their way for me, although it's nice and much appreciated, and they can stop caring TOO much (ok, I'll stop with the CAPS).  Anyways, hopefully I'll figure out what to do soon, but today was day #84 and whatever wacko chemistry is going on in my head...it seems to just keep on going on.

-ETH

Who was easy on the eyes,

But ever so rough on the ears?

When she speaks she awakens fears

Births self-doubt and apprehension

Ready to harshly critique and berate you

Without forethought or a moment's hesitation.

Such a woman is a plight and paradox indeed

She attracts a man's eyes, but makes his heart bleed

Once allured, seduced, and ensnared it is hard to be freed

Therefore I warn you my brothers to listen and take heed

Lest you be by your eyes enticed, engulfed, and overcome

Hear a woman speak and behold her actions, before you run

Because being committed to a boisterous woman is not fun

It will nearly make you want to be die, or be deaf and dumb

Playing dumb is not sufficient to endure belligerence, nor shun

A continuously complaining, belittling, and destructive woman 

Therefore men beware before by your eyes and hormones you succumb

To the sophisticated seductress, lying lioness, and beguiling woman

Show restraint and behold her behavior over a long period of time

Thereafter you will know if she possesses nobility and does shine

Radiate with inner glory, the woman within, cultivated and captivated

If not, run hastily without explanation from her like decaying rot

Because when her looks fade, an annoying woman you have got.

Truly from the overflow of the heart come the words of the mouth

As for body parts gravity will pull them all eventually down south.

Character is contained in one's actions, not mere promises and words

Watch out for loudly expressed wants, wishes, demands, and expectations

For these are the signs of inner motivations and brutally fatal relations

Which many men foolishly embrace and work tirelessly to futiley chase

Seeking to secure things to make their bottomless pit of a woman happy

After which they realize nothing and nobody can make a woman joyous

Because happiness is an inside job, a mystery to be discovered by all of us.

Remove yourself from the rat race early on brother and let her not smother

Be content until you find a quiet and quality woman ...perhaps like your mother. 

Paul F Davis - author of Poems That Propel The Planet

http://www.PaulFDavis.com

RevivingNations@yahoo.com

Paul F. Davis is a world-changing leadership & diversity speaker who has touched over 50 countries & 6 continents building bridges cross-culturally and empowering people throughout the earth to live their dreams!

Paul is the author of 14 books. Paul has appeared on numerous internationally broadcast radio shows from Oprah & Friends to Fox News Radio to talk about conflict resolution, peacemaking, foreign policy, and diplomacy. Playboy Radio host Tiffany Granath calls Paul an "awesome" relational coach and recommends his books on love, dating, and sexuality.

Academically outstanding Davis was trained in transformative mediation & conflict resolution (Hofstra Law School); strategic negotiations (Harvard Business School & U. of Washington); advanced interrogation (Reid & Associates founders of the polygraph); and NLP & Life Coaching (NLP & Coaching Institute of California).

Paul humorously and elegantly transforms individuals and organizations.

Paul's organization Dream-Maker Inc. builds dreams, transcends limitations, & reconciles nations.

Paul worked at Ground Zero in NYC during 9/11; helped rebuild a home at the tsunami epicenter; comforted victims of genocide in Rwanda; spoke to leaders in East Timor during the war; inspired students & monks in Myanmar; promoted peace & reconciliation in Pakistan; and has been so deep into the bush of rural Africa where villagers had never before seen a white man.

Paul empowers people to love passionately and live fearlessly.

http://www.PaulFDavis.com

RevivingNations@yahoo.com

As you know, I'm in Seattle right now, visiting a friend and going to see a concert in Vancouver.  I have four days all to myself.  Four days to speak in complete sentences, to sleep in, to get drunk, to eat at a restaurant that has candles instead of crayons on the table. 

Yesterday, when I called Donna to give her my arrival time, she asked me, "So, are you going to miss the Bug?"

"Nope," I said brashly.  "He needs time away from me.  He and his dad can could use some male bonding time.  And I can have some ME time."

That attitude lasted until about 6:20 this morning.  The cab I was taking to the airport had barely pulled out of the driveway when I thought of you nestled in all cozy among your 753 stuffed animals.  I wanted to say goodbye before I left, but it was way too early, and you would have just been upset.

I started sniffling.  Audibly.  "Allergies," I told the driver when he glanced at me suspiciously in the rear view mirror.  As soon as he wasn't looking, I wiped my eyes on my sleeve.

Right then, I felt overwhelmed by a huge all-consuming need to call your dad, probably still in his bathrobe recovering from my insane early morning departure.  There were so many things I'd forgotten to tell him.  Be sure to wash the grapes.  Don't forget to pay for the art box we won at the preschool's silent auction.  Let you get dressed by yourself in the morning, even though you might need help with your socks.   Give you your vitamins.  Remember to have you pee and brush your teeth before reading bedtime books.

Then I realized:  that would be NAGGING, and I put the cel phone back in my bag.  It's just that sometimes I'm jealous that he gets to be the fun parent, while I always seem to be the one making rules.  So instead of nagging, I'm going to give you some rules suggestions on what to do while I'm away.

Go to the park.  Watch lots of TV.  Eat ice cream and Cheetos for dinner.  Skip the baths.  You and your dad are going to have so much fun.  And when I come home, maybe we'll all sleep together in the big bed Sunday night, because just like it says in "Library Lion", sometimes there are good reasons to break the rules.  You are my heart.

All my love,

Mama

☺ Oversized and imperfect shapes have many culprits: low sense of self-worth, unflattering image of physical self, lack of self-respect and self-confidence, bad habits, stinking thinking, and on and on. Mostly, however, it’s food intake inspired by frustration, loneliness, or discomfort tied in with some or all of the above.

☺ Her size and shape too easily mislead her thinking. For example, the nagging voice about weight is her enemy. Nagging herself, just as nagging a man, produces unintended consequences.

☺ Her size, shape, and presentation of body is her choice—past, present, and future. Self-interest and common sense say she should forever make her body and its appearance follow what she decides is best for her future.

☺ Guilt about the past is counterproductive. Self-promises loaded with great intentions about a brighter future can be productive—even when her ‘great intentions’ later dim to ‘almost got there’.

☺ Loneliness can’t be escaped, only deferred. It must be overridden by a comfort with herself different from what shopping, pizza, snacks, and munchies bring. Living up to something bigger than herself helps. (Turn her heart over to the Lord, and loneliness will not trouble her. Avoiding calories also becomes simpler and much easier.)

☺ Her outside appearance attracts a man, her inside virtues hold him.

☺ Virtue has its own rewards. It makes tough decisions easier, and adds to her importance and self-respect.

☺ Faith in the Lord uplifts her spirit. Belief in man—Humanism—discourages it.

☺ Loneliness comes from self-centeredness. Sincere giving of herself to others drives out self-centeredness.

☺ What she thinks about, she gets. (Our subconscious takes us toward what we think about whether good or bad, desired or undesired, liked or hated, feared or coveted.)

☺ Everything for which she can be grateful adds to her happiness.

☺ Ungratefulness for her body compounds grief out of all proportion to her body’s importance in successful living.

The female nature begrudges every flaw. Her mushy thinking keeps focus on them all.

Every wise woman buildeth her house:  but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.  Proverbs 14:1

A foolish woman tears her own house down.  Why would a woman tear down her house?

Unlike the Big Bad Wolf in the story ofTheThree Little Pigs who fully intends to blow down those houses when he huffs and he puffs, most of us women don't realize what we are doing when we nag and complain about our husbands.

I'll be honest.  I've been guilty.  I'm ashamed to say it.  But I have basically torn my husband apart with my own mouth.  As women, we need each other to confide in, to share our hearts, our cares, our concerns, our frustrations.  And that can often mean unloading a bit about our husbands.  We need to be honest.  We need to be real.  I believe that's healthy.  After all, we can work with honestly.  But if we're not careful, we will turn our sounding boards that we call friends into dumping ground for pinned up anger and often bitterness we hold towards our husbands.

As Christian women, we need to encourage one another to be honest and real about those little foxes that can sneak into our marriage vines and attempt to spoil them.  Together, we can learn how to catch those sneaky foxes.  Let's validate each others feelings without enabling the destruction of our own homes.

And most of all, let's remember that as we concentrate on building rather than tearing down:  Except the Lord build the house, they labour in vain that build it.  Psalm 127:  1a

I'd like to start by saying, Joe, I realize that all of my nag, nag, nagging has been equivalent to building a house with stick or straw.  I don't want to tear you down!  I love you!  And I'm thankful for your faithfulness, hard work and patience with our marriage and our home.  You are THE BEST HUSBAND EVER!  Oh...and thanks for always letting me drink the rest of your Diet Coke.  Your Angel

...A wise woman builds her house upon the ROCK...

So, me being a procrastinator to end all procrastinators, I listened to their nagging for about a year and a half.  I came up with some awesome reasons not to have it done yet.  Let's see:  Got to get my med bills down a little more.  I'm just so busy, but I'll do it when things slow down.  I really planned to get the appointment the other day, but the phone rang and then I just forgot.  Oh, I'll do it as soon as my broken leg heals...as soon as the last cast is off...as soon as pigs fly and hell freezes over and I get nominated for President.  Yeah, I'm a good procrastinator.  But they are even better naggers.

I had a colonoscopy yesterday.  Even as I was downing the gallon jug of poop goop and sitting in my pondering room I was thinking of reasons I didn't need a flipping colonoscopy.  As I walked into the hospital and smelled the coffee roasting at the little kiosk and I hadn't had a cup for two days, I was thinking of reasons I should postpone this fun little procedure.  As they wheeled me into the room and the anesthesiologist was saying, "This might sting a little..." I was thinking this is really unnecessary.  

But, as the doctor popped in while I was waking up and said, "Good thing you came in when you did.  A little while longer and you'd have had a bag.  It was a big polyp.  BIG!  We'll run a biopsy, but it is good you didn't wait any longer. "  Well, at that point, I was thinking of reasons I was glad I didn't procrastinate myself into a different lifestyle.  I was thinking how to thank my loved ones for nagging me and I was thinking I saw a pig...flying over a frozen Hell...Excuse me, both the Republican Party AND the Democrats are calling...seems they both need candidates...Well, good thing that day has finally come, might have saved my life...

Hey, feel free to nag those you love.

Why must we do this?  Why are we engaged in this never-ending ballet of dismissiveness?  Why do you make me want to stab you in the eye with the closest sharp object?

It's like when you tell us we are PMSing and your faux logic rears its ugly head.  Just because, for example, your boss is screaming "you're fired!" at you, and you don't care for his tone, doesn't change the fact that you are fired.

So when you are dismissive of us, it's the nice way of saying "nothing-you-say-is valid-or-relevant-because-I-presume-that-every-time-you-are-upset-that-it-is-because-your-hormones-are-making-it-up".

I know, gee, what could a lady possibly possibly be upset about?

My very good friend, male, called me this weekend.  He wanted to catch-up, chat, and ultimately vent about how his wife keeps bothering him about picking up his underwear.  Imagine his absolute astonishment  when I said, "well pick up your dang underwear".  How could I possibly  agree with nagging? 

For some reason, guys assume that if they can classify something as 'nagging' they can ignore it.  If they can attribute it to nagging or PMSing or whatever, they can ignore it.  The amount of guys who say, "well, when she nags me about it, I don't want to do it" astonish me.

If you did it the first time, there would be no nagging because - and work with me here - it would already be done.  If, on the other hand, your wife wants you to pick up the underwear and you disagree, that's a totally different story.  But, dear ones, you really know better than that. 

Here is the thing.

It is 2008, we are in a new century, we live in an era of progressiveness and change.  And yet, and yet, women still do the majority of managing the house.  Yes, I know, you take out the trash and 'contribute' but I hate to break it to you but it is not the same.

Who is picking up the house?  Who cleans?  Who is doing the laundry?  Who is maintaining the grocery list?  Who does the grocery shopping?  Who does the household budgeting?  Who sends out the Christmas cards?  Who manages all that crap in their head?

Not you.  (Well, not most  of you.)

So here you are, going through your day on autopilot, shitting all over the work that your wife does everyday with almost no complaint.  You should feel lucky  to pick your underwear off the floor.  You do that one simple thing, and she'll manage the rest of the house without complaint - as long as you and your drawers don't get in the way.

A lot of guys wish they had this,

...but please note, gentlemen, that none of your underwear is on the floor in this picture!

Pick up after yourself.  It's that simple.  And most of us will handle the rest.

I was a nagging wife.  I am a nagging wife.  I am confessing it to the world!!!  YIKES!  But there is a reason to this confession.  As I was saying, the Lord has been growing me.  Remember I thought all this growing was about taming my tongue? Actually, it was about taming my tongue, learning to open my mouth when it feels uncomfortable, trusting God to give me the right words, becoming free of guilt, AND...the fact that I am a nagging wife. 

With all my heart I desire to be a godly wife.  In fact, everything I do is for the good of my husband.  But I was deceived!  I am not a nag at my husband to do certain chores around the house, or to make more money, or to loose weight, or buy me things.  No, I do not feel like I deserve more worldly things.  I am a nagging wife to the fact that I want my husband to be a more godly man.  I want him to love the Lord with all his heart.  I want him to react to every situation with a kind spirit and loving tone.  I want him to play with the kids, guide them spiritually, love his wife as Christ loves His church, and so on and so on.  All Biblical, right?  I thought I was helping him "grow spiritually" by reminding him every time he did not live up to his biblical duties. 

So one day, I was praying..."Lord what is wrong with him?"  And you know, I clearly heard the Lord.  He said, "You!"  I have to admit I felt that one right in the heart.  I was plainly rebuked.  But, I was like.."OK, sorry Lord please forgive me", and I moved on.

As I was dealing with the other issues that the Lord has been working on, I was pointed to the part of Genesis where God is talking to the woman, the serpent, and the man.  God is laying it out, after the fall into sin, and He is telling the woman that the man shall rule over her, etc.  (Read Genesis 3:16)  And I felt like I needed to understand these verses more.  So I followed the related verses that are given in the margin.  This led me to 1 Timothy 2:12-14 which says, "And I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man, but to be in silence.  For Adam was formed first, then Eve.  And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived, fell into transgression."  Then I thought, "wow, I try and teach my husband all the time."  So I further researched a wife's relationship to her husband.  Most of us know, we are to submit to our husbands.  We are to not withhold our bodies from them.  We are to be their help meet.  I came to 1 Peter 3:1-3 which says, "Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear..."  I was understanding the Lord.  He was telling me to stop teaching my husband by nagging the Word of God, but to love him and show him the kindness of God. Which will win him over to the Word of God.  He also put into my heart, that I must understand that when I step outside these commands, I am on my own.  I do not have His, that is God's, blessing.

I don't want you to misunderstand.  We are to teach in some areas.  We are to teach our children.  We are, also, to teach younger women to submit to their husbands and to be godly wives.  These are great callings and should be discussed in greater detail another time.  But for now, my lesson is this...I am not my husband's teacher.  The Holy Spirit is the teacher.  The Holy Spirit is sent into the believer to be the teacher of the heart.  I must let the Holy Spirit teach me, change me, and mold me into who I am to be in Christ.   But I must also, let the the Holy Spirit teach my husband, change my husband, and mold my husband into who he is supposed to be in Christ.  I believe this lesson to be a great challenge for me, but also a blessing.  And, I must also repent.  Because I have done damage in the body of Christ.  For I have judged my husband, and nagged him to obey God's Word.  I have not represented God in a the manner I am called to.  For that I am truly sorry.

Lord,

Today I pray for all the Christian wives

in the world.  I pray that they will submit

to Your will for their lives, by submitting to their

husbands as head of their household. 

I know how hard it is Lord, to shut my mouth

when I want to open it up.  I pray that you

would give us the strength to trust

You and Your timing.  Lord,

You are that powerful.  You are that mighty.

There is safety in obeying You, Lord.

Grant us the strength to do it.

In Jesus' name I pray.

Amen

(Above: A Mother takes stock of all the things she would tell her kids in a 24-hour period... and narrows it down into a 2-minute and 55-second song.  In short, it's hilarious!)

Nagging.  It's the second-most under-reported crime in the world, next to theft of grapes at the grocery store (admit it, we ALL take a few grapes from the store!!)

Nagging is when a person tries to sound helpful by giving another person advice in a nice way... yet, somehow, it sounds like they're complaining at the same time, which makes it sound very annoying as a result.  And who are the people most responsible for this under-reported crime?

PARENTS, that's who!

Because a parent's main purpose is to see to it that their child doesn't kill themselves, they can often be heard telling their kids things that sound helpful to their child's well-being.  Unfortunately, because kids like to do whatever they like, they have to be told, quite often, to do the opposite of what's against their instinct.  Consequently, the things parents say to their kids can, overtime, go from sounding helpful... to sounding like they're nagging.

The thing that sucks the worst about it?  Not everything a parent nags their kid about is really worth telling them in the first place!  For example, if it's 50 degrees outside, and a kid is about to go outside without a coat on, a parent might yell, "hey, don't forget your coat, or you'll catch a cold and die!"  Yet, the last time I checked, very few kids have died from going 30 minutes without added coat-padding.

Unfortunately, because there's so much stuff parents feel is worth nagging their kids about, it can become hard to decipher what and when to say these things.  The result? The parent becomes something they promised themself they would never be: a nag!

Just think of all the wonderful nagging phrases YOU'LL get to say if you decide to have kids:

* "Don't touch that, it's dangerous!"

* "Drink all your milk, or you'll have weak bones and grow up with calcium deficiency!"

* "Make sure you brush your teeth before you go outside!"

* "Do your homework before you watch TV!"

* "Don't chew on that ice, you'll ruin your teeth!"

* "You'd better clean your room or you're grounded, mister/missy!"

* "How many times do I have to tell you to... (insert name of item they have yet to do)?!?"

* "Have you finished eating your vegetables?!?"

Doesn't being a person who nags all the time sound like fun?  Oh, what's that? It doesn't sound appealing to you?  Well, in that case, maybe YOU - like me - shouldn't EVER have kids!

-A.P. Taylor

Send your "Why I'm NEVER Having Kids" stories to neverhavingkids@gmail.com.

This used to be a common occurrence. He'd do something to ever so slightly offend me, I'd talk shit to him, he'd back down to get me to shut the hell up, I'd talk more trash, he'd finally fight back, we'd have it out, and finally, we'd fuck each other's brains out to make up. So very exciting.

Until we both ended up as emotional puddles of crap on the floor.

So we live and learn. Now I pick my battles much more wisely, as in, I only rip people new ones on the Internet because that's what's really important. I kid. No, I pick my battles with the man. There's nothing more unattractive and sexy than a naggy wife or girlfriend. You can be as hot as Ms. Hawt and Bothered, and it still gets old after a while. Can I get a hell yeah?

This battle was over habits of the spending variety. As in, the man is constantly losing nail clippers and razors and such and turning around faster than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest to buy replacements. So you say, "Ah, it's just $12." Um hmmmm. Times 7 times in one month.

Now, even that ends up being less than $100...but. Aw fuck it, who knows. That was just my battle this week, okay?

So I verbally kicked his ass over the phone. Then we made up. Tonight we will talk about it and hopefully grow from it. Mission accomplished. Man in check. Does Hawt and Bothered need to check herself?

What do you naughty bitches think? How often and about what do you pick on your man? Do you wait for the proverbial camel's back to break, or do you employ a constant nag, a la Chinese water torture?

Tallulah's blisters are healing nicely, thank the lord.  She still managed to have hysterics today about the fact that she couldn't get her nightie off (right!) and then, once she had miraculously managed to do it, she came downstairs in odd socks.  Normally I wouldn't mind too much, but these were really, really odd. One came up to her thigh and one was one of those trainer socks which don't even reach the ankle.  She looked like a mad old lady, so I sent her back upstairs to dress more elegantly.  She came back downstairs in thick wool tights.  At this point we had to have a few words, as she burst into tears yet again, claiming that it was wildly unfair of me to make her go up again and find a normal pair of socks.  Apparently she just doesn't have any, despite the fact that we cleared her sock drawer out thoroughly before we went to Canada and she got at least twelve new pairs.  She didn't go into the details of where they had gone, as she was too busy screaming and stamping her feet a la Rumplestiltskin.  I feel that she may have eaten them in her sleep.  Oddly enough when I said that she couldn't watch Doctor Who today if she didn't go upstairs and find a pair pronto, she was back down within three minutes with a perfectly matching pair of suitable socks, (i.e. not up to her nipples and lined with rabbit fur).

She already got banned from watching Doctor Who when it was on last night because she had so many tantrums when we got home it was untrue, and then she tried to push Tilly down the slide.  I really hate it when she's like this.  I mean, she's never a peaceful child at the best of times, but on a good day her random acts of evilness are at least broken up by times when she can be hilariously funny, cute and charming.  At the moment I'm really hard pushed to remember when that was.  She seems really, really tired all the time, which I think is a big part of it, but she's going through one of those times where if you so much as mention the idea of an afternoon nap she is liable to have hysterics for two hours, and even with the light out in the evenings she makes herself stay awake by going to the toilet every five minutes.  What I really need is a tranquiliser dart.  I reckon if I can knock her out for a couple of days she will wake up a much, much happier person.  I know it will do the rest of us the power of good.  Thankfully we are supernanny trained enough not to let her rule the roost too much.  Invariably when she is in the middle of a paddy everyone gets up and vacates the premises, leaving her to it. It's amazing what the lack of an audience can do to an attention starved, tantruming drama queen!  It does help to keep us all fit and healthy.

It's so crappy when the kids are playing up.  I seem to spend my whole life nagging, disciplining and shouting at the minute, which makes them and me feel utterly horrible, and there is just never a moment's peace.  It's also a bit like a bush fire, once one starts doing it, the others catch it off them, presumably because they feel that they need their fifteen minutes of fame, and it has this horrible ripple effect where all of them are getting into trouble nearly all of the time.  I'm not a natural earth mother type parent at the best of times, being impatient and crotchety most of the time, so when these moments are upon us I tend to lose the plot quite easily.  I think it's why I'm doing a lot of blogging at the moment.  Sitting in front of the computer is a respite from having to hear my own voice endlessly whinging on about the same stuff.  I do actually get sick of the sound of my own voice droning on.

Don't get me wrong. I don't expect my children to be perfect.  They are children after all.  I'm not looking for them to turn into immaculately turned out fashion plates with never a hair out of place and a penchant for reading the bible and delivering morals at the end of every sentence.  One of the things that makes them so wonderful is all the totally daft stuff they do and say.  They are way more entertaining than the cinema, and I don't have to smell popcorn while I'm watching them.  I just get bored of the endless grind of stupid stuff they do ALL the time.  Here are some examples that are driving me loopy at the moment:

1. They never, ever sit properly on their chairs at meal times.  This means that the chair covers need washing all the time because they are invariably covered in smears of dinner, and on some memorable occasions, snot where Tallulah has wiped her nose as well as her hands on the chair.  It also means that at least once a week one of them will fall off the chair and be utterly amazed when it hurts like hell, and that I'm not more sympathetic to their plight.
2. They invariably place their cups of juice/water/engine oil, right on the edges of tables and will then be amazed and/or mortified when these plummet to the ground soaking everything through and I go crazy because I have just cleaned the kitchen floor/table/walls.
3. They always whinge about putting away their clothes and helping with the laundry despite the fact that it is one of the only jobs we require them to do.  Ditto keeping their bedroom floor tidy so that I don't kill myself on a roller skate, Bratz cup etc in the middle of the night.
4. They will do anything to wiggle out of a) flushing the toilet, b) washing their hands under any circumstances, c) brushing their hair and d) brushing their teeth (the two minute rule here is one they hate with a passion).
5. They never eat over their plates.  They never brush their teeth over the sink.  They sometimes object to actually sitting on the toilet seat to have a pooh/wee.  They can't understand why it bothers me so much.
6. They never ever believe in the concept of being quiet.  They always talk at volume eleven, even though the dials don't go up that far.  The only time they are quiet is when they are talking to you in the car, and if you ask them to speak up, they can't.

They do however do some very funny things. Tallulah and Tilly were having a race down the garden this morning and Tallulah skidded over and went head first into the paddling pool full of water, which afforded us endless amusement.  They also made up an excellent song to that Calvin Hayes song 'Girls'.  You know the really annoying one that goes: 'I like them white girls, I like them black girls etc'? It was on the radio this morning and Tallulah lip synced perfectly, 'I like them Trumpington girls' paying homage to hers and Tilly's alter egos, the Trumpington Sisters.  Then where he says: 'I like them carrying a bitty weight girls', Matilda sang beautifully: 'Daddy likes them carrying a bitty cake girls,' and winked at me!  So they're not all bad, just mostly.

My friend Caron had her baby yesterday.  She did it beautifully and perfectly at home in hardly any time at all and with the minimum of fuss and bother.  She now has another gorgeous daughter.  I am very happy for her, and she sounded really elated when she rang us yesterday afternoon.  When I got to bed I laid awake for a while thinking about the fact that I suddenly felt really sad.  It was so odd.  I thought about what was making me feel sad and I realised it was the fact that I am now never going to have another baby. 

It was at this point that I thought I might be going mental.  After all, I chose to have my tubes tied up so that I wouldn't spend another nine months vomiting, fainting and having high blood pressure.  I decided that three children was more than enough for any woman, particularly a woman as conflicted by the duties of motherhood as me (when they're not there I miss them like crazy.  When they are here I want to stab them and jump up and down on them at least fifty percent of the time.  The rest of the time I love them so much I could vomit.  Even when I hate them I love them so much I could vomit.  It's quite confusing really).  I decided I couldn't go through another batch of miscarriages (I got into double figures by the time we had done), and yet I was really sad that Jason and I would never have a little girl of our own.  He's a brilliant, brilliant father to my two girls.  I genuinely couldn't wish for a better dad for them, and he loves them, and they love him, but it isn't the same.

I am feeling broody.  I am feeling broody at the same time that I would pay someone to take Tallulah away for a couple of hours so that we can all have some peace and quiet.  I am feeling broody despite the fact that it has taken until Oscar is nearly two for us to have any unbroken nights of sleep at all, and they're certainly not guaranteed.  I am feeling broody despite the fact that if I have to watch Findlay the Fire Engine one more time this week I am going to cut my own throat with a small, plastic model of Bob the Builder.  I don't get it.  I'm thinking of going to see the doctor and asking him if I can have my hormones removed.  It's doing my head in completely.

So there's that, which is nice! I'm also feeling a bit cross because of something LearningWoman wrote about in her blog recently.  Not because of her, but because of what she was writing about.  I was catching up with my blog reading today and read her entry called Charlatans.  She went to a workshop which purported to be by a medium teaching people to deal with their issues through past life regression and got very cross with the guy running it, because he clearly didn't have any real ability and was just preying on vulnerable people and taking their money and running.  You should read the entry, she puts it much more succinctly than me.

Anyway, it touched a nerve.  A friend of ours died recently in a horrible motorbike accident, and his wife was telling us that she knew it was going to happen because a medium had told her a couple of years ago.  I was really, really cross about this.  I didn't mention it in my blog because my blogs are usually funny rather than serious, and I use them to escape from some of the more horrible moments in life, but I've already written my 'funny ha ha' blogs for this weekend, so I feel I can write a little more seriously with my other entries and you can either read 'em or ignore them.  It's up to you.

I used to work as a psychic, as those of you who've read my meme tag blog might know.  I don't talk about it often anymore because people tend to have fairly extreme reactions about it, and I honestly can't be bothered to deal with other people's hang ups.  It usually goes one of two ways, either they think I'm in league with the devil (I'm not.  It's hot, it's sweaty. It's hard work, I'm an agnostic, apathetic kind of person regarding religious beliefs).  Or they get really excited and immediately want me to tell them who they're going to marry, what the winning lottery numbers are or can I get in touch with their mother/grandma/great aunty ethel.  No! is the answer to that.  Once they've got over this they then invariably make those utterly irritating jokes forever after with: 'Why haven't you won the lottery then?' and 'Ha, ha! Well you can't be very good can you or you'd have known that already!'  At which point I am happy to kill them.

I stopped working as a psychic because I got sick of being associated with the kind of horrible people that LearningWoman describes.  I also got sick of clients coming to see me who didn't actually want to know what I had to say.  What they wanted to know was that what they were doing was just fine, that they didn't have to change a damn thing about their lives, but that everything would be marvellous and all their problems would go away.  When I wouldn't tell them that, they invariably got upset about it.  I never understood this.  If you don't want to know don't ask, and if you don't want to listen, don't come and certainly don't pay for it.  Also, if you just want someone to tell you what you already know, get a friend to do it for you.

I am here to tell you that there is something in this stuff.  What, I don't know.  All I know is that one day I woke up and I knew things about people, things that people wouldn't necessarily want me to know, things that only they could tell me, and often things that hadn't happened to them yet.  It was very unnerving. It didn't happen until I was in my mid twenties.  I can't  tell you why, I can't tell you how.  I don't see ghosts, I don't see auras, I just have the ability to read people.  At first it happened all the time, with everyone.  This was horrible. It's like constantly eavesdropping on people.  It might sound cool, but believe me it's not. I never really wanted to know what people really thought of me thanks.  Nor did I want to sit next to that lady on the bus who seems really happy and cheerful, only to know that she is unhappy in her marriage, or that she is ill, or that she cries herself to sleep every night and there's nothing I can do about it.  It's a burden.

Eventually it got too much for me and I went to get some help to learn to filter it.  You can't turn it off, but you can learn to put some protection in place to make your life bearable and so that you can be way more selective about what you know.  It was a real godsend.  After that I started working with people.  I never gave messages to people who didn't want them, and I always tried to tune out everyone except when I was working, because otherwise it wouldn't be fair to my friends and family, or to me.

Everyone works differently in this field, but my take on it is, if you've got the gift/ability then you have it for a reason, and it's not to make you feel important.  If you can't help people you shouldn't do it at all.  I've never understood the reason for telling someone they rode a red bicycle when they were five, great.  So what? It's only useful if you can apply it to their life now, or something they will have to face in the future.  The other thing I found frustrating was the way people deliver information.  They are so thoughtless.  What made me so angry about this poor guy's wife is that she had lived for two years with the fear that he was going to walk out that door and never come back.  Yes, it came true, but who did the news benefit? Certainly not her, and certainly not her husband.  It made the medium look good, and what use is that to anybody?

I think it's a horrible thing to do to someone.  If you know something like that, the best thing to do is give the person you're talking too as many tools and positive information as you can so that they can get through whatever hardship is to come, and never mention what is going to happen.  As it is, those kinds of people who deliver these doom laden messages are so often wrong it's criminal.  Imagine if she'd got that message and it had never come true but that she had lived her whole life thinking that it might? Nobody needs that kind of anguish in their life.  Clearly it's not an exact science or I certainly would be predicting the winning lottery numbers and raking it in.  It's all subject to personal interpretation, and that's the rub? Quite often the idea of death for example is as much to do with the death of an old way of life and the beginning of a new one rather than straightforward death.  Just as life is to do with a new start and not necessarily a baby.  You cannot, cannot be 100% sure that if you feel a death around someone that it isn't just that they're suddenly going to stop working at the deli counter in Tesco and become a world famous cellist for example.  I don't care how brilliant you are, you just can't be sure, and if you're not sure, you have no right to say anything that will make someone unhappy.

People are so pessimistic.  I've done readings for people where everything has been positive, they will have an upturn in their finances, they will be happy with their family etc and I might just mention that I feel that they need to think about better nutrition because I feel that they're a bit tired, and invariably that is the thing they will focus on at the end.  'When you say tired, do you mean ill tired? Do you think I should see someone? Do you think it might be cancer?' etc.  It's just the way people's minds work.  Playing into those fears is not helping.  Acknowledging them is important.  People want to know that you know them, that you understand them and that you're there to help them, but it should always, always be done with love, integrity and the best of intentions for them.

So, rant over.  I feel a bit better now.  Phew.  I'm going to thrash the children, but in a positive, heart warming way that will only make them better, stronger individuals in the future, cos that's the type of warm hearted, giving woman I am!

For those of us with dysfunctional families, it's refreshing to hear about those that make ours seem like Ozzie and Harriet -- like the Paskowitz family, all 11 of whom lived in a camper and traveled around surfing. ("Gnarly barrel, Ma!") Or Margot Livesey, whose story in Vogue details how she escaped her actual family and adopted another. And then there's the confrontation between a born-again Christian and his lesbian sister on an especially good familial episode of This American Life from last month.

The best Mother's Day gift? Write a book about Mom, like Jimmy Carter did. But since time is short, yours can be made out of construction paper, for old time's sake.

billy (my high school friend) has been a really good buddy of mine, even if i haven't seen him in four years, since i went to melbourne for a vacation. and finally, he's getting hooked to siska, whom i met four years ago as well. before the wedding date, we're actually going to bali for 3 days. staying at kuta which is apparently famous for its sunsets. i'm excited to see billy, but i'm not excited to go to indonesia. maybe when i start packing, i'll feel it.

mum booked us into a hotel in kuta that is very close to the very nice nightlife in bali...shopping malls, great for tourists. apparently there's a lot to do in kuta. it'll be a very short break from the hustle and bustle of the busy streets in manila.

then when i get back, it's gonna be all about getting dad's company's website up and running and actually giving my two cents to madhouse. i'm disappointed in myself for not giving it enough thought...and effort. what's playing on my laptop at the moment is "scrubs" which i happen to watch when i have free time. but that's the thing, i shouldn't waste my time watching scrubs...i should be doing something, anything.

when i get back...i have to continue looking for an apartment to live in in auckland. tomorrow, i'm going to send my confirmation letter to the school...and tomorrow, i have to pick up bianca's tripod to use in thailand. and i have to pack tonight. and i have to see my grandfather at the hospital before i leave. so many things to do, so little time. instead of sleeping and extra 5 hours, i could've gotten out of the house to pick up the tripod, packed and visited my grandfather. but no, i took one look at my niece whom i put to sleep, and suddenly felt sleepy.

i remember waking up at 8pm...drenched in sweat and thinking, shit, it's too late. oh well.

have a fun trip aubs.

I am tired of getting up an hour before anyone else and still being the one who is late leaving for work. I am tired of taking a short lunch or working a long afternoon to make up for being late. I am tired of being the camp babysitter.

I'm talking about big boys who can't seem to get out of bed, in the shower and dressed without mommy constantly coming into their room and badgering them. Then still giving me grief if they're late. (Yeah, I'm bitchin' about both of my men folk!) I have had enough of that shit.

We have these marvelous modern miracles called 'Alarm Clocks.' At last count we have close to half a dozen of these technological wonders in our house. They will be put into use and the human element will be phased out completely, effective immediately.

I will no longer be the morning shrew yelling to get out of bed, waiting until life begins again for these nocturnal undead before getting myself ready to begin the day. No longer will I return to these darken rooms to prod, poke, conjole, yell, and scream. I do not like being that person. I do not like going to work each day angry. And it stops now!

Get your own ass out of bed and take care of yourself.

♣ Women choose to ignore this benefit dealing with a man. When she repeatedly refuses their first-time sex, he honors her wishes, explores her qualities, heeds her strengths, and accepts her weaknesses. More importantly, she learns whether he’s after her or just after sex. (Details appear in posts about Virtual Virginity.)

♣ Women use sex to capture men for short term benefits. Long term relationships are thus greatly weakened.

♣ Men expect respect and gratitude from their woman. Her encouraging and cheering him onward and upward provides it. Nagging and criticism cancel it.

♣ Women yield first time sex to men who threaten to leave if she doesn’t. Next step: Dumped. It’s not her. He got what he’s after.

♣ Men flourish with a woman’s respect and gratefulness much more than her love and affection. Modern women provide love and affection well punctuated with disrespect and ingratitude.

♣ Men are as handsome, charming, and beneficial as women treat them. They are as unappealing, aggressive, and dominant as women call them. The self-fulfilling prophecy works both ways.

[More about female malpractice appears at posts 164 and 150. Scroll down or search by the number with a dot and space following it.]

♦ Easy sex might promote shack up and even short-term marriage within the mind of her boyfriend. But, it won’t stir up the foundational respect needed for enduring love that survives the inevitable fading of romantic love.

♦ Girls cheapen themselves to attract a boyfriend, and success builds habit. Men don’t value cheap women except for sex, which forces such girls as women to bounce from one man to another.

♦ Men have convenient access to too much sex to endure one female’s nagging and attempts to change him or his life. As one man said of his ex: “Somewhere, someplace, some guy is tired of her s_ _ _!”

♦ Promiscuity fends men off—not for her as temporary sex partner but for her as keeper. Encountering past lovers threatens after conquest but not before. 

♦ Women abandon old school wisdom. To prove their newfound sexual freedom, they abandon the greatest female strategy of the unmarried—abstinence, chastity, chasteness, celibacy, no fellatio, and any other terms that signify ‘no sex without marriage’.

[More about cheap sex appears in posts 161, 149, 138, 99, 84, 39, and 2. Scroll down or search by the number with dot and space following.]