Why have I lost the longing to be with you...? If I go back to your arms, they won't have the same embrace. Maybe that was a question. Maybe you should answer that by coming back to me...

I feel humiliated. I say I won't call or try; I punish myself for loving you enough to take initiative...yet I do it over and over. I call. I hope, and I expect. I even want you to talk to me again. I miss you but I don't miss the reason why our love has run away from us. I think I've lost understanding of why this happened...

My loss might be greater than yours. That's another reason why I feel embarrassed to admit how much I want you with me. It's hard to admit to myself that you might not even want me back. You have lost a nagging, selfish and maybe even stupid girl by your side. I have lost a beautiful person with flaws that I can work through. The point of this was for you to make the effort to be with me, and all it has done is make me call you more and waste my time at every number I dial. The point is backfiring on me, and I feel so bad.

I want to be upset at you...but I know I'm upset at myself for not finding a good solution to this...

I'm not quitting...but the feeling overflows me, and I just want to break through. I feel married. Yet without the privileges of being married to someone you love.

I don't get to see you or talk to you, and I don't get your love...
All I get is the restricting policies that I have to follow...where I can't seek help elsewhere...where I can't look for someone else to be with...where I have to be stuck to someone, and I know it's you....but you're invisible. I can only feel your binding pressure against my feelings. What have you done to me...? What have I done to myself...??

If I'm such a great writer as they say, why can't I create a new story for us? Why I can't I delete all the things that have crushed us, and start with a clean page? I'm not a real writer, and I don't control my own stories. I have failed as a lover to you, and I think my best friend went walking away...is he ever coming back? Does he feel the desire to hug this warmth that is me? Does this gentleman walk back, tracing his steps, knowing he has something to stay for?

Come to my window. Please! I cry and I cry and every tear spills any knowledge I have of myself. I forget who I am every time I think of you. Because the plan was to leave my feelings alone and not hurt them anymore. But this heart of mine is drained with feelings it can longer produce. I cried so much that I can't anymore. I've loved so much that I stopped knowing how.

Lights lead me on, they lead me on to you...but as I get close the lights get dimmer and dimmer...until I realize that my hopes to ever find you have disappeared.

visuals are something that builds in multiple dimensions ie 1 - dot, 2 - 2nd dot (establishes pattern) but 3rd is like all 3-divisibles and 4 is 4-divisibles and maybe 5 illustrates set-within-set and etc up to the 360 day year.

[audio http://miller.polymathic.net/~meowsy/audio/blog/emptyteacup.mp3]

(Download this mp3)

The river stream on a sunny morning
The rapid tide on a stormy night
The trickling rain on a stony mound
The wrath of a furious sand storm

The lightning that accompanies a thunder
Notwithstanding, prepared for any blunder
Marching on to infinity's surrender
I remain Jagtesh, evolving forever

A monologue I'm working on

..Innallaha jamillun yuhibbuljamal..
Tuhan menyukai keindahan,
dan Tuhan berkenan dengan keindahan.
God is beyond everything that you could imagine,
related to all the beauty in this universe.
And one of God greatest creation is,
a women.

ya, benar.
Wanita adalah salah satu maha karya terbesar Tuhan di planet
ini. Saya tidak malu mengakuinya. [semoga anda juga ya.. ^_^]
Saya mengerti, kita makhluk paling sempurna, tapi saya juga
sadar, kita bukanlah manusia sempurna, seperti halnya juga
mereka.

Saya mencoba dan belajar menyayangi sekaligus mencintai
ketidak-sempurnaan tersebut dengan cara paling sempurna yang
bisa saya lakukan, jika perlu dengan sembilan ratus sembilan
puluh sembilan pelangi yang saya miliki, hingga mereka
mengajarkan pelangi terakhir agar genap tujuh ribu warna
membalut pikiran, hati dan jiwa saya.

Kenapa ada ungkapan surga berada di bawah telapak kaki ibu?
Seorang wanita..? Bukan seorang pria..?
Allow me to share..

#First..,
Because God made her shoulders strong enough to carry the
weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.
And God give her an inner strength to endure childbirth and
the rejection that many times comes from her children,

#Second..,
God give her a hardness that allows her to keep going when
everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through
sickness and fatigue without complaining.

Enough..? nope. a while...

#Third..,
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the
figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that
is the doorway to her heart the place where love resides.

#And finally, God Give her a tear to shed. This is hers
exclusively to use whenever it is needed.

why so complicated..? uhmm.. simple answer.
Because God has created them with such a great mysteri & it's
our destiny to live with.
If it's destiny, then let it be.

..Innallaha jamillun yuhibbuljamal..
I hope my respect and appreciation to a woman become better
and better...
How about you?

[saya yakin ada hal yang terlewat, tolong lengkapi ya ^_^]
(#some part from mailing list)

Ditulis dalam rangka kampanye
Indonesians' Beautiful Sharing Network
sebuah ajakan untuk sedikit berbagi kebaikan melalui blog kita
mau bergabung..?

Semoga bermanfaat..
[cantigi™]

• "font, fonts" are not two useful tags except for covering oversights. ie Not informationally rich There is that issue, whatever it would be called.
• throwing a ton of words at it or keeping it inside one keyword. I will never not be able to find 2ch.us if I simply tag it "imageboard", however I could tag it: imageboard, imageboards, modern, overview, overchan, chan, community, communal, anonymous, forum, forums, ............

This came up with regards to the similarity and overlap found in these frequently-used tags: howto, how-to, documentation, reference. It is an issue because I put all my bookmarks to del.icio.us, and am eagerly awaiting TagFS (though the implementations I've read sound kind of lame... WHY NOT USE EXTENDED ATTRIBUTES, WHY WOULD YOU USE GODDAMN SYMLINK DIRECTORY STYLE BLAH BLAH)

But anyhow I think throwing a ton of tags at it is a fine method, excepting plurality... So, making a choice, I'll stick with singularity. Then the problem is that taken to its extreme, every single item has "link" on it, and I will be tagging "link" every single time I want to archive the pointer to some information or whatever it is that I'm doing when I bookmark something. I get sick of typing the same things over and over. So then I'm just taking a slice from the middle, eliminating the too-general and too-specific when they become devoid of "useful" information.

"useful"

* get this category stuff in order, it's very good. Monologue / Reference / Display (?) could be three parent categories.

Well, I was wrong...

The connectivity to the net, being online, is what it's all about. Whatever you do, you need to be connected to the net. Safari, Mail, App Store... Name a few. Even this WordPress requires you to be connected (if you want to publish blogs, that is). Being online is all that is, and I can't think of the life with no connection to the net from now on.

What I'm afraid of right now is, "what can I do with my iPhone when I'm overseas?" Dreadfully, though, I will be out of the reach from the net... unless finding a hotel with free WiFi, or doing the international data roaming that would cost me a million. No matter what, the trip would turn soar without "always on" connectivity..

One good thing, though, is that some applications allow offline works, like this WordPress which allows me to write my stuff offline, even on the airplane (if you have enough battery for that). That's definitely a good news, and what I need to find is the free WiFi to publish my stuff along the way. Shouldn't be difficult (I hope...)

ホントはiPhone手に入れたんで、そこから更新したかったんだけど、アプリが日本語（マルチバイト）に対応してないらしく、アップロードしようとすると落ちまくり。。。

http://iphone.wordpress.org/2008/07/24/version-11-and-beyond/

とはいえ、次のバージョンでは修正されるらしいんで、それまでは英語をメインでやれればと思ってます。
（上記「easydreamer」より）

I'm starting out with WordPress now, as I got iPhone 3G where I would like to express my emotions & thoughts. Currently I'm setting the base ground to work on, so it might take some time before I could seriously start with bloggin'. But I will... hopefully soon.

It's way after midnight in my timezone, and I gotta turn in. Not a bad beginning (I hope?).

Et parlons en de ces vacances.

vacances : subst. fém, Période plus ou moins longue pendant laquelle une personne cesse toute activité professionnelle pour se reposer, se détendre.

Sauf que dans l'immédiat il faut connaître deux siècles par coeur, il y a Rousseau qui cesse fort heureusement de gémir dans le Contrat Social, mais qui théorise. Alors on ajoute un peu de Céline ensoleillé, une pincée de vocabulaire fréquentiel latin en arrosant généreusement de flemme... Et on obtient une future khâgneuse.

Alors, comprenez, je ne peux pas poster: je suis surbookée: des montages à faire, et mon site que je viens de refaire. Good bye, bonnes vacances.

Act Two, Scene Five and a Half

Troy sits on a crate on stage left.

TROY:  Hey God… I know what I would say if I was you. “What you come, ‘Hey Godding’ me for?” But I guess that ain’t how God work. Naw, you listen to everyone when they come by. Hear them out before you send ‘em to heaven or hell. That’s what I like ‘bout you. I bet you never done told somebody that they “don’t count round here no more.” Naw, you have to hear ‘em out, ‘cause that’s what God supposed to do.

I never done talked to you before this. I’ve talked with the devil. Yeah, I done seen him. Talked to him too! (14) He sold me my furniture and I send him a check for ten dollars at the beginning of each month. I didn’t sell him my soul, mind you. I know that he tried to overthrow you and that you cast him out of heaven. I don’t blame you for that. If anybody come into my house and try and overthrow me, I’d sure cast them out too. I done gone to Church every now and then. They say Church your house. You got yourself a fine house. I bet you didn’t need to make a deal with the Devil to get those nice benches you got up in there. But you’s all forgiving, so long as I tell you what I done. And I’m telling you I done bought my furniture from the Devil. So now that’s one thing I confessed before Death come get me and I get sent to judgement. And I’ve never confessed before, so this gonna take a long time. But you got plenty of that, ‘cause you God. Death never gonna try and wrastle with you. How his army gonna march on something that’s omnipresent? I bet y’all are friends. You and Death, sitting up there in heaven talking ‘bout who he gonna tangle with next. I’m ready to tangle (11), just listen to me confess my sins before you send me into one last fight with Death. I fought with him before, three days, three nights – but you know that, ‘cause you all-knowing. Nobody else willing to believe me, but they listen while I tell ‘em.

My brother Gabe, he think he be the Archangel Gabriel. I wonder if that true, but he got a metal plate in his head, so I don’t know if I can be trusting him on that, but he say he seen my name in the book. I done a lot of things wrong by Gabe and I’m willing to admit it. That’s the only way I got a roof over my head… ‘cause of that metal plate in his. If my brother didn’t have that metal plate in his head… I wouldn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of (28). So does that mean, that if it weren’t for the way I exploit the Archangel Gabriel, the one who gonna let me into heaven (if you be willing), I wouldn’t even have a roof over my head? And you know I signed that release form they wrote about in the papers. I gonna tell you all the truth, ‘cause you God, and you know it anyway. And if I don’t tell you, how am I gonna expect them heavenly gates to open for me? I’d be a damn fool to do such a thing as that. But yeah, I done signed that paper. I can’t read, but they told me what it would do. It send Gabe to the hospital and give me half that paycheck he get from the government for getting half his head blown off when he went to fight the Japs. And I figure, if Gabe doesn’t want to be living in my house – if he want to move down to Pearl’s, give rent to her instead of me – well, how was I gonna support my family? A man got to take care of his family (38).

I never wanted to take away his liberty. Don’t nobody wanna be locked up (28). I understand that ‘cause I build that fence for Rose. I done tried and tried to stay inside that fence I build myself. For eighteen years, I stay inside that fence before it even built! Don’t I get no credit for that? I take care of my family, carrying people’s rubbish all day. Come home, try to carry around my own rubbish. Everybody got trash. Everybody got some kind of mistake they made, some problem, some secret. Well, my trashcan is full to the bursting. That’s why I’m emptying it. You can’t battle with death before you take out the trash. The garbage sitting in there overflowing (31)… can’t just let it sit. That’s what you call irresponsible.

Cory forgets about responsibilities he have. It’s my job to teach him. I tell him, “You suppose to keep up with your chores and hold that job down at the A&P” (35). But he let the trash overflow; he quit his job at the A&P so he can go play football. How does he expect me to react? Football never gonna let him get anywhere. I seen the real world. It ain’t any high school football. It’s hard work, it’s about responsibility. I tried them sports. Ain’t no one ever let me get anywhere with baseball – football won’t be no different. Cory don’t understand ‘cause he just a kid. But I done right by him, making him quit that there team. I don’t want him to be like me! I want him to move as far way from my life as he can get (39).

My trash sitting there in the can, and I’m meant to be building that fence around the house to hold myself in, take away my liberty. Then I meet that Alberta gal. She gives me a different idea… a different understanding about myself (68). She let me get away from the pressures and problems… I ain’t got to wonder how I’m gonna pay the bills or get the roof fixed (69). Is that wrong? Does that make me a bad man, that I want something like that? Then send me to hell. But, God, if you do, then you’re not as understanding as I thought. I can sit in her house and laugh. Do you understand what I’m saying (69). Sometimes I just got to laugh! That don’t make me a bad person, it make me human. And that’s all I ever claim to be.  I do the best I can do… I ain’t got no tears. I done spent them (40). 

I ain’t gonna bother telling you about my daddy. You omnipresent, right? So you know he ain’t cared nothing about no kids… Man would sit down and eat two chickens and give you the wing (50). I try not be like him. He was just as evil as he could be (51). You know what he did to Joe Canewell’s daughter. How you expect me to be perfect if I been raised by a man like that. But I ain’t ever been like him. I never hit my son. I never raped anyone. I put Cory out of my house when he become a man, let him learn about the world himself. He doesn’t want to abide by my rules in my own house – he want to disrespect me – he can go face the real world, just like what you do with the devil when you cast him out of heaven.

I have more sins to confess but I know that I’m running out of time, even if you ain’t. I see Death coming to knock on my door. Not much more I can do now. Either you let me into heaven or you don’t. But I sure as hell hope you let me into heaven so I don’t have to sit in hell with my daddy. That’s all. Just let me stay away from him.

Alright Mr. Death, come on. I be ready for you… but I ain’t gonna be easy (89).

Lights out on stage left, lights up on stage right. Gabriel wanders on right.

GABRIEL: Troy, you ready? You ready, Troy. I’m gonna tell St. Peter to open the gates. You get ready now.

(Gabriel, with great fanfare, braces himself to blow. The trumpet is without a mouthpiece. He puts the end of it into his mouth and blows with great force, like a man who has been waiting some twenty-odd years for this single moment. No sound comes out of the trumpet. He braces himself and blows again with the same result. A third time he blows. There is a weight of impossible description that falls away and leaves him bare and exposed to a frightful realization… He begins to dance and howl in what is an attempt at song. Satisfied, he finishes his dance.)

That’s the way that go (100-101)!

(BLACKOUT.)

Author's Note: Also written for AP American Morality and Identity. All citations are from Fences by August Wilson.

Imajinasi apapun dan bagaimanapun telah menjadi
proses bagi sebuah pengembaraan pikiran.
Konteks imajinasi dengan alam nyata adalah
seperti jiwa dan roh yang bersatu. Kebersamaan
keduanya melahirkan nafas yang saling mengisi,
menguntungkan, memberikan pencerahan sekaligus
menyeimbangkan harmonisasi.

Persinggungan imajinasi dengan alam nyata akan menimbulkan
akibat yang luar biasa hebatnya.
Sebuah kesederhanaan -yang selama ini kecil dan selalu melayang
nyata di depan mata kita- tapi "tak terlihat", tiba-tiba
menjelma menjadi sesuatu yang tak terduga sebelumnya.
[dengan proses sentuhan estetika, idealisme & konsep moral yang
tepat]. Hanya dengan satu sentuhan..., imajinasi.

Kesimpulan tentang imajinasi tidak akan pernah mutlak dan selalu
bersifat universal, ego kita bebas menentukan arti maupun
substansi maknanya saat jiwa kita siap untuk berasumsi dan atau
mengapresiasikan imajinasi pada setiap perspektif kehidupan.
Beruntung dan berbahagialah mereka yang memiliki dasar kehidupan
tersebut.

Dengan proses pengembaraan pikiran tanpa batas, alangkah ironis
dan sayangnya jika kita menjadi manusia sarkatis atau skeptis.
Setiap manusia selalu dikaruniakan hal tersebut, dan imajinasi
selalu tersimpan rapat dalam jiwa dan roh kita.

Hanya waktu dan respon lingkungan yang mampu menentukan tingkat
kedewasaan kita akan pemahaman sebuah imajinasi,
[seandainya mata bathin kita tertutup atau tak pernah menyadari
karunia dan cipta karya maha besar itu....]

Untuk sementara..,
Hanya ini yang bisa saya deskripsikan dalam perenungan selama
ini, tentang pengembaraan sebuah pikiran tanpa batas.
Saya berharap, mereka yang terpilih dengan naluri kuat, memiliki
dan mengenali pembimbing rohNYA, dan mampu berbicara pada
jiwanya sendiri, semoga mampu merenungkan dan memahami analogi
ini.

Mata bathin siapapun yang melihat..,
semoga ini menjadi suatu proses penyempurnaan pengembaraan
pikiran tanpa batas diri kita masing-masing.

Sekarang.., tolong perhatikan thumbnail picture di atas
(kotak hitam bergaris putih)
Saya tidak menanyakan berapa kotak hitam yang terlihat, tapi
ada berapa tepatnya, "titik hitam" yang ada di tengah titik putih
tersebut?
Sekali lagi, kalau anda fokus dan setiap anda memindahkan titik
pandang anda pada bidang tersebut, titik-titik hitam itu akan
terus bergerak.

Semoga bermanfaat..
[cantigi™]