It was also our first time in Nashville, TN. As I explained it to a friend, "We knew nothing about Nashville going there and I know nothing about Nashville leaving there." The conference consumed time and energy beyond the list of attractions we hoped to visit. So we will leave Nashville on the yet to be visited list.

There is a bond that grieving parents have that no one else understands. Through it we can talk about children whom we have lost 5 months, 5 years or 25 years ago. Through it we can cry how we miss them, without apology. Being in a sea of almost 1,400 of us was very powerful.

We met so many people, who came to Nashville from all over the country. I expect some will stay lifelong friends, especially two that Anna met from VT and CO.

As parents and siblings, we cried and we talked and we attended workshops that for the most part were valuable. Professors, grief counselors, authors and artists held nearly 100 workshops aimed at informing and healing. Excellent speakers and Grammy award winning musicians rounded out the weekend. I expect that the latter is a benefit of meeting in "Music City, USA."

For me the weekend highlight came when as a group we lit candles in memory of our children. As overwhelming as the 300 candles were in our overflow room; I can not even imagine the impact of the 1,000 in the main banquet room would have been. To me the candles not only reflected the burning memory of our children, but also the bright light each of our children were and will continue to be in our lives.

Although we skipped the closing speaker, in order to get back to Ohio at a reasonable hour, we did take the time to walk with our new friends in memory of our children.

Thank you Compassionate Friends for a powerful weekend.

Tell tale, cardinal symptoms of this syndrome are ‘obsessive’ preoccupation with sending messages. A house wife reported that her husband is having such a syndrome. He is having an affair with an anonymous lover. She sends him messages, with luring theme, playing fancily with his imagination. He replies back with same zest. This happens many times a day, with a flurry, subsiding late in the night. On most occasions these are messages which are mere forwards rather then senders own feelings. According to her, this seems to have ruined her life. It was not that she was not responsible in some way. Her time and attention was devoted to the arch-devil, television.

She would follow soaps, one after another, discussing and dissecting the details subsequently. If this was not enough, she would participate in quiz competitions, sponsored by the T.V channel and a phone company. ‘What veronica would do next – call her lover and confess her love’, ‘take a poison and die’ or none of the above. Send SMS urgently and win a bumper prize, this seems to be telecasted after the drama. Though a sophisticated marketing and promotion technique, what do an average Joe care about it! After all it is just a drama. Not so for our average Lucy. She would argue that dramas depict real life situations. No wonder so many fantasize these figures, trying to find solutions to their problems. If they would only take responsibility of living their own life and building their healthy relations, then it would have been a different story.

High band optic communication fibers and efficient servers are supported by an army of technical experts. Emphasis seems to be on increasing the speed of communication, with out knowing what to say. With who is another question? On-line communication blinds the person to the individual on the other side.  Generally people project their wishes and fantasies, not knowing the true character of the other person. Though most are aware of the fraudulent nature of the interaction – not being true to their words – themselves. There seems to be a dating industry, luring culturally diverse individuals, from Russia to Brazil – with all other included in between.  Off course it takes some pathology on part of person to be incited by such a gimmicks.

Latest development in this industry is Shadi-on-line. Survey needs to be carried out on outcome of such discourses. Off course, people tend to put there best foot forward, with problems surfacing subsequently. This is true in all circumstances.

I have a friend who have to carry his iPod, pager, (another) Mobile phone, lap-top, every day besides his car-keys and wallet. You can very well imagine the spontaneity, which would emerge out of his daily action!

A healthy development that has found its utility in modern day practice of neuropsychiatry is Vagus nerve stimulation devices. Vagus nerve is a nerve which carries impulses to and from the brain; one of its braches, distributed in the chest, can be stimulation with a mild current, supplied from a battery, installed in the human body. This is akin to cardiac pace maker. Charging the battery stimulates the afferent (going to brain) nerve, thereby enhancing the stimulation to the mood regulating centers in the brain. This is proven to be effective in the treatment of depressive disorders.

Technology has its benefit, if and when, applied constructively. It can be compared to a surgeon’s scalpel, if it is in a proper hand, it saves life. If it is in the hands of common criminal then it can be dangerous. Therefore, individuals have to learn how to use technology. Its constructive use enhances individual performance and creativity. Take micro-soft as an example. It has revolutionized business communication. Similarly software’s like Statistical package for social sciences (SPSS) has revolutionized the quantitative research. Technology is a means towards an end. If the end point is focused towards public good, besides enhancing the quality of life, then it serves the humanity. Otherwise it can be considered like a scalpel in the hand of fools.

Education also needs to focus on teaching humanities, social sciences, ethics before individuals go on to learn specific skills. Our Universities and institutes need to be cognizant of this dilemma, so that they can integrate skills with moral – character building – besides churning out technically sounds individuals.  

I know this will be empowering and draining at the same time.  Since losing Sarah....  Well, to be more correct, since losing my baby brother Adam three years prior, I have avoided social situations and crowds; I have lost my desire to small talk.    ALTHOUGH... in mixed emotion...

It will be good spending time with people who "get it."  No pity, no sympathy.  Compassion, discussions and hopefully some ways to address the real changes that happen when people lose their children. I know there will be tears, but also know that it is a safe place to share them.  Everyone there will cry.  We will cry in sadness for our children, but also in the comfort that our new friends understand.

If you will be there, I look forward to meeting you.

A bunch of people from school were on a beach, including Aaron, Queenie, Mike T., and Ken. I was walking around with Aaron, and he was teasing some kid who made sand mounds and stuck flags with Mike T.'s face on them in them. Aaron started kicking them over, and I said,

"Oh, come on, Aaron. Think of all the times you've made something dumb. How would you feel if someone kicked those over?"

Later, I was on a dock with Ken. The sky was really dark. The sun was setting, and a storm was coming. Ken told everyone that there was going to be a flood. I was worried about my dad because he was supposed to pick me up soon.

We were all staying in a nice hotel. Everything was off-white with plants here and there. The lighting was dim and soft. I walked around the halls with Mike H. It was night time. In the morning, I walked down a hallway with Maggie. It was in the hotel, but it looked like the hallway from my middle school that led down to the lower school. We were walking by the music room, and we saw Queenie and her boyfriend (he doesn't actually exist) sitting on the floor. She had her legs in his lap, and they were talking. She looked tired. I never saw the boy's face because I didn't want to look directly at him. I felt weird about interrupting their moment. As Maggie and I walked by them, Maggie said "Ooh!" I just looked at Queenie out of the corner of my eye and smiled at her. When we got to the end of the hallway, I said "Mesus." (The nickname Queenie and I gave each other as a joke.)

"To see a hallway in your dream, symbolizes the beginning of a path that you are taking in life or a journey into the unknown and self exploration. It represents spiritual, emotional, physical, or mental passages in your life.� It is indicative of a transitional phase in your life." - dreammoods.com

My thoughts: Usually I can pull some sort of meaning from a part of my dream, but this time I think my brain just got really bored and made shit up.

Writing, for me, has become a means towards sanity, in this maddening chaos and media glare. Talk’s shows are in abundance, telecasting gibberish, all day long. You have mental health experts, sitting along the culinary experts in a show sponsored by cooking oil, as if to provide a recipe for both. Doom and gloom stories are all around the place, as if land has stopped giving yield, cattle has stopped producing milk, cotton looms are without threads, market is without fruits, Natural Gas reservoirs have depleted, mothers have stopped giving birth to live-new born, God has forsaken us – those who were marginalized and separated on His behalf, from the rest of the continent. Nothing of this sort has happened. Why then we have hue and cries on what is not going write?      

Glaring example of this is insensitivity of media towards mental health issue. If one scans a newspaper in the morning, one is struck by the fact that nothing positive is reported. You see the pictures of tortured, charcoaled bodies, set on fire by angry mob. You see rioting youth, raising mayhem on power breakdown.  Why are we fixated on killings, robbery and rape? Are there no news of hope, friendship, sacrifice and love? Why are we so addicted to bad things in life? All this is a cognitive distortion of our community, which journalists seem to share. Collectively, we are the cause of what goes on among us; we should be the impetus of change, too.

Those committed to journalism understand the sanctity of written word. After few publications, one becomes well aware of sensitivities required in public domain. Time, maturity and experience teach an individual the finis of self expression. However, the impact of one’s word is proportional to his social-fabric awareness. Oblivion to this background leads to expression of empty words and phrases, which have no impact besides the passing day, a mere ripple in the ocean of words. Most of what is published in our daily news is the same – a ripple of words – an expression of non-entity.

Media seems to play a major role in sensationalizing the mental health issues. This is most pronounced in case of suicide. Suicide is a tragic outcome of mental illnesses, which is highlighted in such a way that it seems to have a promotional effect, rather then a deterrent one. This is akin to tarnishing the fabric of society.

People with mental illnesses are portrayed as dangerous and unpredictable. This perception is often inflamed by media accounts of crime, although statistics don't bear out a connection between mental illness and violence. Some people also believe that those with mental illness are less competent, unable to work, should be institutionalized or will never get better.

The electronic media, as a reflection of society, has done much to sustain a distorted view of mental illness. Television or movie characters that are aggressive, dangerous and unpredictable can have their behaviour attributed to a mental illness. Mental illness also has not received the sensitive media coverage that other illnesses have been given. We are surrounded by stereotypes, popular movies talk about killers who are "psychos," and news coverage of mental illness only when it related to violence. These representations and the use of discriminatory language distort the public’s view and reinforce inaccuracies about mental illness.

Some mental illnesses are more stigmatized than others. Schizophrenia, for instance, is more highly stigmatized than depression is. It's routinely mocked and misrepresented and is less likely to generate compassion. Depression, on the other hand, is less often ridiculed, perhaps because of its ubiquitous presence or media advertisement of antidepressant medications has made the disorder more mainstream, thus more acceptable.

Almost 60 years have passed since the inception of independent media by the founding father of Nation – Mohammad Ali Jinnah. Instead of passing through years of maturity, media seems to have acquired senescence. Where would it go next?  

You've been very nice to me girl, and i will never ever forget all the time we spent together. You've listened patiently on all the issues and problems that i've consulted in you, and i hope that i've given you good advises on things as well. Maybe we meet again, and till then, take care. Keep in touch.

This is one of the two photos i have of you. :)

"I miss you so much. hugs!"

…

I woke up early around 3.30 am, and found out the Russians held the Dutch at zero squares on the score lines. I probably missed the first half, the second one was about to begin. Many commentators predicted drama would repeated like yesterday’s Croatia vs Turkiye. So the 2 x 15 minutes, plus added time, following penalty shoot-out. Dutch was number one seeded after their remarkable run in the group stages beating Italy, France and Romania. Best to happen in a tournament such EURO, was underdog came up slightly unpredictable, turning fact with 3 – 1 final score. Dutch packed their case and went home earlier.

…

“Hello?”
“Papa, this is Aleisha!”
“Mumu? Where’s Aleisha?”
“She’s with us now. We just finished swimming”
“That’s great”
“What? You still on the bed at this hour?”
“I was stayed up late watching EURO”
“Yeah, right…”
“Where are you going afterwards?”
“We plan to go to TA, as usual”
“Again? OK, take care then”

…

I woke up for the second time at 1.30 pm. I didn’t notice time, as I thought it wouldn’t be necessary. I knew it was goint to be lazy Sunday. I got nothing to do. Got nothing to lose either. One said, when you got nothing you got nothing to lose. Indeed I was. So, I stayed on bed longer. Fed up for sleep strike after long stayed up late nights before.

…

Street style :
Upper : ZARA plain tee
Bottom : Levi’s 501 jeans
Shoes : Vans Old Skool
Bag : Eastpak Backpack
Song of the moment : Perfect Situation – Weezer

I went straight to Plaza Balikpapan. It took two transportations route to get me there. Gramedia was the first store I got in – as they the only bookstore in the mal. I didn’t want to read, but I want to write. So, I bought this Pilot Drawing Pen 0.3. As I passed through some racks, I saw a collection of Tintin. Tintin is still one of the best, my favorite of all time. Suddenly, an idea of collecting the whole series crossed my mind. I’d be pschyed to have them all. Put them in the shelfes of our home library.

…

…I finished the chicken quite fast. I put away the dishes, wash my hands, drank a bottle. I grabbed my backpack, looked for my pen, open a notebook. Start write things…

…

I stop by at Jihan’s on my way home, not far away, for a toothpaste. I always keen to Pepsodent, of whatever the type. No need to queue in such small mart.

“How much?”
“Rp. 11.000”

I looked for some money in my left pocket of my jeans. I couldn’t find any. I looked in the other one. None the result. So, I took off my wallet, get a Rp.50.000. shortly, I received my change. I thought I just lost some money.

 

I think this is what is referred to as a lose-lose.

Today is bonding day. The three of us; yenmei, yingfen and i gave celine a visit today. She's getting better, and hopefully she will get to go home tmr. Coincidentally, met sooweipin, Aaron(from cyperP), and mayling there also. It's very stupid to say this, but we actually had quite some fun in her warded room. Since she's staying in a single room, it is ok to talk as much as as loud as possible. haha! Learn new thing today, didn't know that patients are not required to wear hospital dresses anymore. I see all also wear own pajamas and clothes. Then yenmei was like saying "Why House MD patients got wear hospital dresses one?" :D

It was one of the rare occasion which require me go to the hospital for visiting. Hospital reminds me of my late paternal grandma actually. She spent so much time in the hospital for her kidney dialysis and medication when i was much younger at that time. She had bruises all over her arms and wrists due to injections, blood testing and drips. Those were the days where dad packed us up and said that we were going to go to the hospital so quickly bathe and finish our homework. And being just a kid, a trip is a trip, so we would happily run around, played with the elevator and watched what the other patients were doing. How does it feel to be staying in the hospital? I asked celine this, and she said it was pretty scary. LOL. Cause that girl keep on imagining things and even dreamt about it. Poor girl. Wish you well ok. :)

Oh yah btw kawan kawan ku, i got minor food poisoning just now. I think most probably due to the mee rebus we ate at the mamak this evening. lol. How you guys? Still standing strong? I was just telling myself how cheap the food were; i ate mee rebus, 2 kuih and 1 teh ais for Rm4 only. Then suddenly i felt the pain crept up on my stomach later at night. aihs. My stomach is just too weak this days. I have to depend on the pil chi kit teck aun damn often now. I even keep one box of it in my handbag in case of emergency. I miss those days where i can eat almost everything and laugh at my elder brother for having stomach pain. lol. His stomach is even weaker than mine. haha. But sadly, now we are on the same par ko. aihs. :(

MMU people hate melaka. I think.

What's the past tense for the word dream?

]]> http://lildhika.wordpress.com/?p=69 Thu, 12 Jun 2008 16:26:38 +0000 lildhika http://lildhika.wordpress.com/?p=69

Last Sunday was the first ever day I went to Samarinda. Though, I’ve been staying in Balikpapan since early November, but still don’t have much spare time to travel there. In most case, I just don’t have enough interest visiting other cities. Plus, if I have any spare time I’d rather went home to Jakarta. I guess that explains why.

The night before, Pak Harsa told me to come with him to Samarinda. He said it was a call from our CEO due to check marketing event that held in one mall for ten days. The headquarter was curious about the progres of the program have made and the number of responding customer, so they could follow up with selling strategies. So there he gathered some of our team included Ela, Andre, Ana and Pak Aang. The plan was make a sudden visit to the event. It was kinda surprise, I thought. In all meaning.

Sunday, 09.00 am
I sent a short message to Andre that I’ve arrived at POKA. We were supposed to meet there at 9 sharp, but as usual, guys were late. He called me shortly and said he was on the way. Around 15 minutes later he arrived with Ana and Ela.

“Have you wait for long time?” Andre asked me.
“No, I was just arrive at nine. So, it was on schedule” I answered.
“Ok, then let’s go. We must pick Pak Harsa at BDI. Unfortunately, Pak Aang can’t come with us today. It’s a family matter” He explained.
“Wait a minute, I have to go back for camera. I’m sure we need it later” I said.

So, we rolled out together, the five of us, minus one. It wouldn’t worry us cause we cheered all along the way. In a way outside Balikpapan to Samarinda, we passed Bukit Soeharto. I wonder how they could manage with name like that? It was just so new order. But that wasn’t my biggest concern, Bekantan was.

Bekantan
Bekantan ; Nasalis larvatus; is a long nosed primate with red brown fury colored and one of two species in single Nasalis primate genus. Their habitat in endemic, swamp or forest mostly in Kalimantan, live in groups of ten or more, and spend most of their time up in trees. The big long nose one is male species. Wikipedia.org

Earlier that morning my wife called just to inform about Bekantan, as it’s a symbolic animal of Kalimantan, that we’d probably meet around Bukit Soeharto. She sounded eagerly for me to find one of them. She said it brings good luck. Good luck for finding one threatened species. I smiled wondering of these primate looks like.

Rumah Makan Tahu Sumedang
Around KM 10 to Samarinda, there was a famous restaurant and rest stop called RM Tahu Sumedang. It’s well known for Gorengan Tahu Sumedang. Not only tahu, but they also have some fast food we easily find in traditional market. People stop and buy gorengans. So famous, rumours said by late noon they’ve already closed and sold all items. For that reason, we were willing to wait more than 10 minutes for our order. It was worth to wait for such delicious food. We were far from West Java but the heritage find still in some places across the country.

Love and Life
Along the way, in the car, the discussion was vary. Mostly, it was Pak Harsa who opened a theme then followed by others. Merely, the discussion was more like a message to Ela to get married soon. Interrupted by Ana who already married, comparing life before married and after. They both talked about encourage of being family, instead of wasting more time for uncertainty condition. Ela responded that she’d free, but looking for some handsome man. The problem was according to Pak Harsa, is how she find one. That’s one big question for her. He as the elderly among us, gave many advices. He mentioned himself as senior and eat more experience with his vice versa. All we did was helping her, not mocking her. But sometimes seemed a funny jokes for refreshing, more precisely sleepy killer activity. A semi formal and changing to non formal, casual deep long conversation, made us laugh and think seriously, about love and life.

Mahakam River
Samarinda is crossed by Mahakam River. The river is a huge one, line through all provinces of the Borneo island. In some part, the river section with bridges. A long and narrow one, constructed by steel beam. In earlier call from my wife, another she explained about the Floating Market where people buy and sell goods, mostly traditional fast food. In the morning before sunrise, the market starts, finish not long after sunrise. Morning so called market known in big cities of Java. They trade and exchange stuffs using boat that connect them to another trader. The buyer use boat to transact and buy as well. So, they take the river as if they were on ground. One culture we should preserve from our heritage.

Grand Mosque
Near from location, beside the street that cross through riverside of Mahakam, there was a huge mosque with 40 M tower tall, and 24 K gold roof. It’s special from the design and have been constructed for 8 years. Quite long for one single praying building. It scheduled to opened for public this year’s Ramadhan. The progres shown of finishing term so would positively reach the opening target. Another news said that all the materials was imported directly from Middle East. Maybe that was one major reason why the construction took time for more than 8 years. Of all, the provice of East Kalimantan, with Samarinda as the leading city have something to be proud of, also to be given and useful gift for the people. It settled as one of the city trademark.

SCP
Samarinda Central Plaza located at the heart of the city. The mall is one of the oldest and probably the most visitors in the city. The four storey mall is the only place to go where you could watch movie with 21 class. The only 21 cinema in the province, just might be the only one in the island too.
The cinema would’t worry us as we went straight to the promotion area. It was located at ground floor, next to McDonalds, next to us was Balikpapan Super Block, another big name and contender as well from Balikpapan. There weren’t many visitors to the event, but the marketing team still manage to have one or two data base for hot prospects buyers.

“Ikan Mas Goreng”
I didn’t feel like starving when it came to lunch. After all lunch had passed about 2 hours before. We should have it by the time we arrived at SCP. Instead, we were looking around for some major property in Samarinda for collecting names and alternatives of our forth coming project tender. We stop by this Hj. Mimi Restaurant after searching some fine lunch place. The menu quite simple. The guest favorite was Nasi Rawon. Some of us ordered Nasi Campur, Soto and seafood. I took different appetite as I feel no passion of eating some kinds of food. I fit for the Ikan Mas Goreng. Some were questioned my pick for the food, they said it was an uncommon choice. I didn’t care, though. It’s been a while since my last feast of the fried fish. I always have keen appetite for fish. Ikan Mas is just one of the menu. Fried up, please.

Riverside Delight
We should be heading directly to Balikpapan after the fuel tank injection. As we passed the road to riverside of Mahakam, we found many sellers of turtle eggs and durians. Turtle eggs reminded of my childhood when dad bought us eggs at sometime in weekend. We ate them. Andre was kind of maniac. He ate two or three eggs at a time. I only tasted one, feels the same of what I had 20 years ago, and that already delighted me. One delight wasn’t enough for us. The durians was the next. They sold cheap durians for only Rp. 5000 each. We had them, severals. We made them as our dessert. We ate them at the spot of view from riverside. We sat on the edge of the river where we could see a long horizon of cloud breaks through beyond Mahakam. Then, we had enough eat. We fed our stomach full.

Epilogue
The trip back home was shortly longer then the departure. It was due to the changing route from the previous. We took different path in order to see new scene of way back home. It was a hill type road, edgy at some point with many coal mining between. Coals were everywhere. We took some pictures of them. The rest was forest, with no road lights at all. Dark and alone.

Another day spent to travel to new place I’ve never been before. It was such fun to spent time togetherness. With so many jokes, stories, rumours and gossips we talked along the way. Started from our project daily activites, then to love, last to life. Not to mentioned the failure of finding Bekantans. Those remain as mystery for the next visit. We had our view, and so our taste. I had a good time. I had them all. I thought all of us did.

Night fell as we went back home. One by one. Still the tiredness and sleepy hollow eyes. All worth for a free and nice trip in any given Sunday.

出国的人,没有什么了不起的, 我也没有觉得出国有什么了不起的.
但是, 出国以后, 我们每个人都很了不起. 如此说是因为,我们有着其他人不能体会的辛酸苦辣, 也看过和经过太多气愤无奈. 可是从来不愿说起, 并不等于我们没有故事, 恰恰相反的是我们故事太多, 已经不再为此大惊小怪, 或者应该说, 我们没有时间也没有精力再去想如何诉说了.

天堂不在国外

国外不是天堂, 即便说给出来旅游的人们, 也不会相信, 反而换来的是一句不知好歹. 我们不是来旅游的, 我们都明白接着要在国外走过的这几个春夏秋冬将要如何坚强面对, 这里没有天使, 也不是天堂, 至少对于我们这群称作外国人的群体来说, 这里绝对不是天堂. 就连我们自己在明白的时候, 也已经是在国外翻打许久以后了.

朋友

对于在外面的我们来说, 有两群朋友, 国内和国外的. 每次回国, 封印的记忆被打开, 见到国内朋友是一件多么幸福的事情. 只是随着在两个不同环境成长的我们和他们之间, 共同语言越来越少, 当自己满怀激情的要把经历和感受说给他们的时候, 反而让朋友们感到莫名其妙, 虽然每次朋友都会微笑点头 ,但是直觉告诉自己, 他们不会懂, 就象自己很难理解朋友们的许多想法一样. 在国外的朋友就不同了. 经历相同的事情, 接触相同的时间, 共同语言就会多许多. 蝙蝠不会和鸟儿飞翔, 也不同于兽类的习性, 能和它为伍的只有和自己一样的蝙蝠.

外国不需要我们的眼泪, 只需要我们的汗水.

结

我们需要的不是同情, 而是认可.
我们在国外, 努力过, 成功过, 相信过, 期望过, 欣慰过, 失败过, 伤心过, 失望过, 愤怒过, 高兴过, 糊涂过, 领悟过, 张扬过, 虚伪过, 坦诚过, 兴奋过, 平淡过, 发奋过, 认真过, 马虎过, 悲哀过, 同情过, 怜悯过, 无奈过, 争取过, 承受过, 美丽过, 丑陋过, 得到过, 想念过, 忘记过, 珍惜过, 遗失过, 挣扎过, 痛苦过, 精明过, 疯狂过, 傻过, 哭过, 笑过, 忧过, 愁过, 真心恨过, 更真心爱过. 有血有肉的我们在国外曾经走过.

所以，我们有资格说, 我们骄傲, 因为我们在国外.

And why i was out this morning? lol. Been "feeling really rich" for the pass few days( ha-ha! ), so decided to treat my mum and myself for a facial spa. Made an appointment yesterday with the beautician lady, somehow a friend of mum, and she gave us extra treatment today such as body massage, brow trimming, and small goodies to bring back. :D

Being treated like a princess was really great, but!, the agony of having your devilish white/black heads, and facial acne removed was really painful. Especially for my case where my pimples tend to hide underneath my skin cause it won't burst on its own. So what she did for me is to poke it out with a thin needle like tool, ad squeeze all the dirty excess out from the underlaying layer. That, i believe is the most painful part for a facial treatment. Other than that such as the dead skin removal massage, body massage, warm vapor treatment for face, were really amazing. I felt so sleepy during the process, and by the time she said i could get up from the comfy bed, my eye lids weigh a tonne. ;)

Oh ya, when she massaged my back, she pressed on these two hard veins that she said most probably developed due to my lack of sleep and study stress. I tell you, when she tried to release the tension, it hurts quite a lot as i'm not use to getting body massage and it pretty much a soothing experience as well. I think i'm becoming a budak stress just like my fellow fwens. haha. This is another account of story, where this 2 guys who are dear to me, were studying "so hard" for exams till they kind of developed a minor chest pain. And the doctor said it was stress related and put them under medication. So ever since then, we've been calling them budak stress. It was actually quite funny back then, and their expressions were priceless. :D And how i miss them now. hugs hugs!

Actually thinking back, really miss my plaza siswa time with the 2 monkeys and a girl. :) Eh, before final paper for final year, should we do it one last time?

ps: To pretty girl, wish you best, and get well soon k :)

Back to the basic, i'm still trying to understand and master the skill of talking to the people much older than me, like the one we call aunties and uncles. I see that many of my friends master this skill very well; they can have decent conversation with these group of people for a period of time. I once asked, what type of topic that can be talked about with the older generations? And my friends replied, basically, what you need to say is to praise them more, like say the food that they have prepared is nice, they look younger than their age ( + points when you got shock when they told you their age), talk about their children, traveling, and maybe give out a little information bout yourself. And i said, really? lol. Cause i'm pretty blunt myself, i don't praise unnecessarily, and i don't exactly that type that will kiss your ass for nothing.

There are many occasions when we went out for makan, or visited open house parties, or even lunch/dinner gathering, and these host/hostess ask the ultimate question, "Nice or not the food, girl?", with a glee! How do you answer when the food tasted no better than the average hawker food you eat? That's a soalan cepu mas i will say. Haha. You say it right, they will be happier and serve you deserts, and if you say it wrong, god knows what next will happen to your food . :D

But i keep the best for last, which is the questions you got during cny gathering. It's certainly the same each year, no? ;) I suppose that's just how people try to start a conversation with you and it's definitely better than keeping mum and have many awkward moments like staring at each other. lol.

ps: Safe journey and have a good trip. hugs

Where am I now?  __________________________________________________________________
Where do I want to be? ______________________________________________________________

There is a gap between between where you are now and where you want to be.

How can you bridge that gap?

This will help you create a road map to transform your life.

May be your life has some similar stories to mine!.

In my earlier days, I could not think like that or focus on these questions for a considerable amount of time. In essence, I did not have a road map for my life. I was either living in the past or in the future. Now I choose to accept my present that includes my strengths, weaknesses, attitudes, behavior patterns, etc. This gives me a strong footing to start my journey towards where I want to be.

Take a few moments to write down your thoughts about where you are now.

For me where I want to be includes ultimate goals of life - experience of freedom, peace, happiness, and unconditional love. My intermediate goals of fulfilling my family responsibilities, knowledge and experience of well-being, creating wealth, sharing my gifts, talents, and skills with much larger number of people or inspiring a few more leaders to do this kind of work while having fun and quality time in their lives. My short-term goals are having a great day every day. I do this every day by keeping the positive mental attitude and by adapting new attitudes that keep me in motion, move me forward and upward the. l have realized the benefits of striving to create work/life balance, and to simply make better choices in my thoughts, speech, and actions. In this way I stay connected to my ultimate and intermediate goals every day. Now it is easier for me to create a personalized road map for my life.

Maybe you can use the above model for the starting point and then personalize it in the way you think and act. Ask yourself, "What are my ultimate goals.... what is truly important to me?
Imagine you can achieve anything ... what would that include?

Finally, "where am I going?" can remind you to check your attitude, review your action steps, and decide what you need to do (and what not to do to get there sooner). If you take the wrong exit, simply check your road map and get back on the road. Ask yourself, "What does my attitude look about my life, my goals, my dreams? .....
Are my action steps in line with where I want to go?"

Start transforming your life by creating a road map for your life.

Thursday 23 August 2007 at 2:56 am

I’ve been reading through the NVC book for months now – slowly taking it in – and it’s finally dawned on me that I have been the biggest culprit in not giving me the appreciation that I so crave from everyone else in my life. And then I read this quote:

“Depression is indicative of a state of alienation from our own needs.” (Rosenberg, M. p172)

A wave of realisation? Relief? Understanding? Swept over me. It was a nice ‘ping’ moment – suddenly it all makes so much sense.

I’ve had two bouts of depression in my life and both times I felt and voiced that I’d gotten depressed coz I’d “lost myself”. Both times in relationships – I would focus so much on what my partner needed that I would forget about my own – or worse – I’d sacrifice my own needs in order to ensure the others were always met.

“…alienation from our own needs…” …how this rings so true. Human communication has been a hobby of mine for many years now, but it’s only recently that I’ve learned that communication with oneself is most important.

*smile*

'They' say that at least 20% of Australian's are suffering from depression these days. With the advent of stress related illnesses and increasing psychological diseases, it appears to me that NVC and the like are so so SO important in our world today.

I went to see a psychologist today because now that I'm self-aware I'm going to ween myself off depression medication. With NVC as my helper, I'm learning how to listen to myself so I can catch the signs I'm unhappy or not meeting my needs before it leads to depression.

This new psych was wonderful. I've seen a few in my life and none have ever clicked like she did. I'm very excited about seeing her again in a couple of weeks. She's even happy to just see me on a month by month basis - just so I have a support network there and an impartial 3rd party who can point me on the right track if she sees me faltering. I'm very excited about having her as backup. :)

[continued from above] I would love to make this my vocation… this I have known for a little over a year now and have just been learning, growing and enjoying my current job until I was ready to move. I also needed to figure out where I could be employed to simply teach/foster communication in the corporate world.

Right now though, I have a yearning to learn more about NVC and become an advocate for the cause to bring non-violent communication to others. God knows the world needs it.

And since then I have been learning a lot.

I've just booked myself onto a Qantas flight to travel over to the USA for an intensive course in NVC with Marshall Rosenberg himself. I'm incredibly excited and can't wait to soak all that goodness in. When I return I plan to start my own group to become an accredited NVC trainer.

This is my passion. This is my path.

something missing

1st April 2008

everything’s great!
great job, great boyfriend, great home, great pay, great family, great friends…but there’s still something missing - i’m still not happyi’ve always been striving for something, and now i have most things i thought i thought i wanted, i’m feeling a bit lost
but how do you figure it out?

how do I know what i need that will make me feel complete - to have inner peace

my friend says:
“you’ve reached a point that you thought would make you happy, but you now realise that you can set your goals higher and achieve more” … ”you’ll exceed what others do” … “unless you can say “enough is enough” then you’ll never be satisfied. in my experience tho, eventually you do get to a point where you can sit back and smile and say “i think this is o.k.”

I’m not sure that I agree. Maybe it’s not human nature to be satisfied. who do you know who says they are content with everything in their life? The Dalai Lama perhaps? Buddhist Monks? Everyone is striving for something, or searching for something even though most people are not aware that they should be looking inside themselves instead of outside.

So many people focus their energy and the reasons of their incompleteness or unhappiness on things external to themselves - society, partner, government… etc. Our society has taught us to blame everything but ourselves and so we’ve forgotten how to look inside and gain peace, clarity and contentment for ourselves - without relying on anybody or anything else.

I am so sick of ’stuff’ being the centre of attention… I’m so tired of stuff being the most important thing in people’s lives. I role my eyes when people judge themselves and others based on their football team, the car they drive, their holiday destinations or their current vocation.

A very dear friend of mine has tried to make me understand things about life that I couldn't get. I finally figured it out on my own, but it sure did help to have him as a catalyst - to really get me thinking that all the things that I thought I had wanted out of life, weren't going to make me content. I had to look inside myself - really meditate in order to become aware that my passion, my calling, my gift, my destiny (all the same thing with different labels) was what I should be doing with my life, and this would provide a sense of contentedness within.

And even though I do hope to find someone to share my life with, now it is not a goal... it is being the best I can be, remaining open and letting life happen around me whilst on my journey.

Hospital can be a memorable place for those who go there for receiving a life. Health care staff can be a beacon of hope. With love and warmth, a mother receives her new born child. A father is showered with lot of blessings. The whole family, who is eagerly waiting for the good news, long faced and worried, is suddenly transformed.

Contrarily families get shattered when they are given the news of death. Like, birth, death is also celebrated with its own rituals. Just as in birth, people receive a body and soul wrapped in a white sheet; they receive a body wrapped in white sheet. Families surround the carcass in case of demise of their loved one. One can speak volumes about the deceased, in the manner carcass is handled. Attendants surround the body, refusing to leave it, while others want it to be disposed to the mortuary, at the earliest. Ultimately, it is disposed according to religious tradition of the deceased. 

All this happens in hospitals many, many times a day. Doctors and nurses are witness to this interaction – through out their working hours – though rarely paying attention.

In hospitals, you see people in pain. Witnessing pain can have paradoxical effect. It can make you more human, empathizing with the pain of other people. Pain can make a person more sensitive to emotion in others. Contrarily witnessing too much pain can also numb you to the point of callousness. All this can happen to people working in hospitals.

Generally the reverence we associate with a place like hospital seems to be missing. Some hospitals have become a pick-up point for prostitutes, while others are no less then blethrow house. We hear girls being raped in the hospitals. Similarly hospitals have become a den for thieves, political or other wise. The rich and powerful use their influence to malign the institution of hospital.

In our setting, are sick and down trodden people received with the same fervor as the word implies? It is hardly the case. One has to, only, visit any hospital, to see and feel the alienation it conveys. This is representative of the administrations apathy and its neglectful psyche.

From the stage of designing, construction and maintenance hospitals are a picture of dismay. They are either constructed on places which do not enable healthiness or slums grow around them, further deteriorating the status of water supply, sewerage, solid waste management. 

Consider two major public hospitals, Jinnah Postgraduate medical center (JPMC) and Civil Hospital, Karachi. JPMC having a federal affiliation is expected to cater to the needs of a large section of society. However, its catchments are slums in and around the vicinity. If one visits the hospitals, there are pools of sewerage water lying in and around the emergency department. Emergency department in itself is in the section of the hospital which makes access some what difficult. Problem of car parking and absence of designated space adds to the difficulty of visitors. Similarly there are no good quality, in terms of hygiene, cafeterias to serve the visitors and attendants.

Similar problems afflict civil hospital. Karachi. Situated in the crowded vicinity of old Karachi city, there is limited room for expansion. Access to the hospital is made difficult due to gridlock through out the day. In case of emergencies, time can be a critical factor in saving a life. Emergency physician tells us that there is a critical period after an accident, usually an hour, which can be a window of opportunity. Any medical intervention in this hour can be a matter of life and death for the victim. With the traffic situation and the access routes, these hospitals are ill suited to serve the needs of the community.

As opposed to these two public hospitals, consider two private sector hospitals in Karachi – Aga Khan University hospital, Karachi and Liaquat National Hospital. Karachi. Though these hospitals are well spaced and designed, they cater to the needs of only those who could afford to pay. This contradicts the charter of health equity. Though, technically, health care provision is a responsibility of the government. People are entitled to care, irrespective of their race, creed or financial status.

If one talks to a qualified construction engineer, he would tell us that hospital should be constructed with an earthquake resistant design. Material should also be of a nature which cause least damage in case of such natural calamity. This is due to the reason that hospitals house sick, dependent and vulnerable population, incapable to fending for themselves. In times of recent earthquake in 2005, we have witnessed the pathetic situation in which hospitals crumbled to the ground, proving to be a graveyard for those housing the institution of hospitals.   

In general, hospitals have different sections and department. Each has its own unique demands. People working in emergency department are often given to working on the edge. Time can be a critical factor in matter of life and death, therefore early reaction can make a difference. In their lives this, then, becomes there habitual state of affair.

Orthopedic surgeons are required to reduce a fracture, applying force to reverse the trauma injury. This is reflected in their behavior and conversation – antagonizing people whom they come in contact. Medical specialists have their unique way of inquiry about the cause and consequences of symptoms. They become thorough to the point of stubborn, detailed discourse on any things and every thing. Psychiatrists, generally, butt of joke for all, shrinks from others, remaining true to the label given to them. These characteristics are seen not only in doctors but nursing staff too.

Thus hospitals are not just a visiting place; they house communities which cater to the needs of the society. The better served these individuals are in the hospitals, the higher the quality of rendered care. There is a need to develop sensitivity for these issues in all stakeholders of Hospitals. 

I signed the paper. My wife, she’d be ready in about 15 minutes. The operation room was being prepared, and so the doctor and the nurses. I spent some minutes to call home told everyone that this was going to be the day. We’ve made our decision. The baby was going to be delivered.

There my wife was ready. She told me it was going to be alright. I sat on a couch next to her bed. She smiled at me and said, “Finally, we’ve reach this time.”

The time that we’ve been waiting for the last nine months. Through all. Would I remember all the small things happened during that time? I would. I would remember all. Those all shadows baring in my mind just a moment. I must’ve been dreaming to get here. It mustn’t real. Looked back from the very beginning. We didn’t say anything. Silent.

Suddenly, sound of a nurse coming inside our room broke the silent. She called for my wife and brought her to the operation room. They took her with the bed through patient elevator. I followed her by the stairs, bringing a case of her needs during operation. My steps a bit of run down stairs two level below. There, many patients and their family waited for the turn of giving birth.

The operation room located in 4th floor. It connected with one door entry. Only the patient could enter the room. Else, must waited outside. The hospital regulation won’t let us accompanied our wife during operation. So, there wouldn’t be camera nor video recording. Morely, I was kind of upset that I couldn’t stand beside my wife during the deliver.

I was lucky enough to enter the room. There my wife, next to her was another patient waiting to operate. Suddenly, there was a panic inside the room. One of the patients having critical condition. The doctor called the nurse to call for the patient’s family. One man came inside, told them that he’s the husband. They told him to stood beside his wife, said something magical wish, like prays. They called for prays. They were all praying to God. Outside the room, rest of the woman’s family were waiting in curiosity. They wondered what happened inside. The spread of critical condition made them cry. I stood there in silent. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say. I pray to God that my wife’s operation succeed with no unpleasant nor unwanted happening. May it going to be just fine. Both the mother and the baby.

“It’s going to be alright” said my wife.
She was lying on the bed. Saw me with her meaningful eyes. She tried to settle me down for a while. And she did.
“Don’t forget to say Basmallah” I said to her.
I held her hand and kissed her cheek. She smiled to me. The next thing I know, she was brought inside. Left me standing still.

I went outside and waited there. I sat on a group of chairs where everyone’s waiting sat there too. Some of them were just cool as ice, while another cried. The harmony of voices sound in differences. It was awkward being in the crowd when you were left alone. Part of me inside the room.

I couldn’t stand alone sitting. I went upstairs back to our room. When I walked in, I felt like shadows of my wife still remain. I saw an empty room. The room itself told many stories. Many of ours. My heart wouldn’t deny it. I felt so labil at the moment. I stood by the window and looked outside. Inside my head, I heard voices. One of them was the vice versa Khalid gave me. He told about his experience in waiting his wife to give birth. An old man told him to Sholat Hajat due to a long waited of his wife delivered. He actually did what the old man told him. The next thing he knew, just second after he finished his pray, his wife was giving birth to their first daughter. It was a miracle for them, one I should expect to happen to me too.

I followed his path to pray in a small musholla. I prayed and asked to God for giving us succeed operation and a normal healthy baby. I took time for a while, as if I’ve never prayed before. I said words I’ve never said before. They came out of my mouth with no intention. It was all I could do. I asked for help. I asked for hope. I asked to The Only who could answer my pray.

After the pray I walked down the stairs to the level below. There I met my parents. They went straight from home to hospital. They were asking about the operation and how things were going on. Haven’t finished what we’re talking about, suddenly I heard a call from the door. Everytime the door opened, all the patient’s family went struck closer. It wasn’t their call. It was mine. The call was for me. They let me in. Right after I opened the door, I hear a sound of a crying baby. A sound that broke the silent of the room. The sound I’ve never noticed before. During her crying I felt lightning crashes all over the room. I could felt it.

“Congratulation. Your baby is in well and good condition. A lovely baby girl” said the man who introduced himself as a child doctor who advised our main doctor.
“We have checked everything, and everything seems normal. You should be glad” he explained.
“In a moment, we’ll have your baby ready, and the mother as well”
“Thank you” I said shortly.

There was a miracle in the room. The first face I saw. My baby. She was small, red and crying. I moved closer towards her. I was shaking, my legs they were left numb. My heart beat so hard and fast. Still she was crying with a loud voice. She was there, with her blanket, in her box. Maybe she was hungry, felt cold after the birth and her skin felt air temperature for the very first time. I step beside her. My hand held in her chest hoping to give little comfort. Maybe all this time there was an angel held her tight. Gave her warm and comfort. And she wasn’t crying anymore. She stoped her cry. Slowly opened her eyes. She stared at me. We stared each other for a second. That stare I would never forget. I cried. I couldn’t hold my tears. It was an undescribeable what I felt inside. It was a miracle. It was tears of happiness. Shortly, I whispered Adzan and Iqomat to her right and left ear. May God bless her always, His Almighty words were the first words she heard in her life.

Soon after that, they brought my wife in. She was still in unconscious. She opened her eyes a bit, but yet she saw me beside her. She whispered words I could hardly heard. I put my mouth to her ears.
“Our baby, she is healthy and so lovely”
“I love you”
Those were words I whispered to her ear. I kissed her cheek. I wondered if she heard what I said. She’d forget, but she’d understand.

Outside the room where my parents were waiting, they asked me about the baby. I sparkled, and smiled. I guessed that was enough to fulfill their question. My father, he congratulated me. My mother, she kissed me. Of all the rest of our family were coming after that. One by one, and left us one by one. We’re still in the hospital. Waiting for the baby. I always looked at her by the glass window. Watched her. Listened to her crying voice. Voice I’d be reckoned for further day of my life. In the night, I watched her sleeping. Heard her sigh. Took care of her.

What I was there, was something to remember. Our happiness. Our tears. We became family in the whole meaning. I became a father, my wife became a mother. We have a wonderful and lovely baby girl. We have opened a new chapter in our life. We’d write them down in our history. We’d never forget.

Alhamdulillah, thank God for giving us a lovely healthy baby girl. She is more than everything to us. As a gift, a jewel to our heart. Our little sunshine.

What I will share with you are my personal experiences including that of my friends and relatives regarding our married life.

1. Find a partner within your Church. You must have the same faith. He/She must be God fearing. If your partner is God-fearing, we may say that half of the battle is already won. For singles -PRAY HARD that God will give you a Godly husband /wife. For parents, same prayers for your children as well.

2. Don't rush into marriage. If you are a student, your priority must be STUDY>CAREER>MARRIAGE. You cannot ramble them because that is the only right sequence to follow.

Marriage should be the last thing in your mind. So easy to get into, but once you are there and responsibilities overwhelmed you, you wish you are single again. You have to work hard. It's not a bed of roses. Once the initial attraction/feeling is gone, then the work begins. And it's a lifetime commitment.

HOW TO FIND A SUITABLE PARTNER ( HUSBAND)

Of course, there's no such thing as prince charming. There's no perfect human being, we are only humans, with all sorts of imperfections. At least, if we are careful and discerning we can lower the chance of getting a "good for nothing husband"

1. He must be God fearing.

2. Must have a steady job/or has potential

3. Would suggest 2-3 years of BF/GF relationships, to know him better.

4. Always invite him to your family affairs, even how simple the occasion may be. The more your parents see and interact with him the better. That is the only way they could scrutinize his behaviour and character. Remember, parents have the wisdom to know whose best for their children. God uses our parents to know HIs will.

And God said in Ephesians 6;2-3, Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right "HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER" , which is the first commandment with a promise - that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on earth". What a beautiful promise indeed!

Parents, due to their vast experiences, could sometimes, at first glance, be able to discern a person's character. So, give your parents the benefit of the doubt. Try to listen to what they are saying. They only want the best for you. But if what they are saying is wrong, prove to them that your man is not what they perceived him to be, invite him in your home as frequently as possible.

After a time and if your parents still insist that he is not the guy for you. PLEASE follow your parents. Easy to say but I know it's hard to do. If you love God, then follow your parents.

If your parents approve your guy, then, still don't rush into marriage. Try to oberve the following:

1. Try to join your boyfriend's family activities, or just drop by at their house, just to see how his family is doing. How does he treats his family members, especially the mother and sisters.

Try to know the background of his family. Are each member of the family God fearing? Are the parents and siblings financially independent? Are they cordial with each other? You need to know each one of them, because when you marry a person, you also marry his family. They will be part of your life. Whatever is their success and failures, they are yours as well. Make your marriage a family affair, not only between the two of you.

Does he respect his parents, especially the mother? Does he treats them kindly? is he the bossy type? does he helps her mother /sisters carry heavy things? is he like the king of the house, that even a glass of water he would ask his mother/sister to get it for him? How does he treats people with low positions in the society, like waiters, janitors etc.

If he treats his own family and other people with respect and kindness, surely you and your family will be treated the same.

When provoked, how did he react? Did he respond violently/rudely? did he shout ? Did he curse and say bad things? If yes, he may be an abusive person. There's a probability that he may abuse you physically and verbally. Observe more. Did he know how to reason out calmly? did he know how to win his opponent peacefully? did he know how to pychologized ? Did he end the arguments in a win win situation?

Does he admit mistakes and say sorry sincerely? If he does, it means he is very considerate with your feelings.

Observe how he handles problems. Did he shy away from it? Did he break down? Did he face it like a man? Did he deal with it gracefully? Did he help you in anyway? Did he rise to the occasion?  Did he end up  a winner?  You need to know because problems in marriage are inevitable. A friend of mine told me that her husband is so weak whenever crisis hits their family. He seems far away, he's always in the office. Doesn't talk to her. Doesn't make her feel that he is there to help and encourage her. She's always alone facing the problem.

While still not married, practice the habit of talking to your partner when problem arises. Especially pertaining to each other's personalities. So that early on both of you are already trained in adjusting/accepting oneself if needed, as you will be discovering more after the wedding.

Test his decision making skills. Since you've been together what can you say about his decisions on major issues? Is he decisive and confident? This is crucial because he will be the head of the family.

Check out how he handles money. Is he heavily in debt right now. What are his priorities in spending his money? Be careful, maybe the reason he wants to marry you is for you to help him get out of debt. Don't get yourself in that situation wherein you will have to pay someone else debt. if he's a good person, he won't do that to you. You must have same principle in handling money matters. You should talk about it before getting married.

2. Some people are physicall and mentally intelligent but lacking in emotional intelligence. I have a relative, she had married a very brillant man. Academically wise, he graduated with honors. But the problem was, he cannot do well in his job. He continued to transfer and transfer from one company to another. Maybe, it has got to do with his relationships with his officemates and subordinates. Perhaps he didn't know how to sustain a healthy relationship. He would always tell his wife, the people in that company are not good, etc etc. If your boyfriend is like this, you may have to think twice.

Find a man who is a whole person. Meaning, a man who has confidence, joyful, who always sees the positive side of life, things and circumtances and one who is always thankful. Rarely, you hear him complain. He must be overflowing with love and joy, so much so that this love and joy will spill over you. If this is so, married life would be a lot easier to contain.

Picture a a man who is always a loner, very negative, very serious in life, always has that self-pity syndrome and complains a lot. Do you think it will help lighten up your married life, which is full of responsibilities. Emotions are contagious, time will come you too will be the same as he is. What will happen to your marriage. What kind of character /life will you pass on to your children?

Never marry a man out of pity. Remember that.

3. Your boyfriend must have a healthy sense of humor. In any relationship, being serious all the way is not good. Laughter is a healthy way of getting rid of stress. Find a man that is very easy to please and laugh. Like for example, while eating ice cream, your ice cream accidentally fall on his lap, his response should be a healthy loud laugh instead of being irritated or angry. Find a man who easily laughs on the simple things of life, even at his own mistakes. Get what I mean?

Find someone who would make your heart smile....

4. Always make it possible that your boyfriend interacts with your family, especially with your parents. Allow them to talk among themselves. Don't be a mediator between him and your family. Like, you will say " Mom, my bf says that etc etc" or you will say to your bf " my mother said etc etc". Constant communication will develop a good relationship between your parents and your boyfriend.

5. The final say about your boyfriend is your parents.

Also, be sure that the family of your boyfriend REALLY LIKES YOU for their son or brother. This is very important. Both families must be in harmonious relationship as well.

Marriage is a lifelong commitment. As what I have said at the beginning of this topic, when the initial attraction is gone, then the work begins. As marriage to be successful you have to work hard for it.

If you have the blessings of both parents, they would surely support you whatever difficulties you may encounter in your married life, . They will never tell you " see, I told you.. you didn't listen to me", or " go and separate from that husband of yours" .

Since you two have the blessings of both parents, they will try to work things out for both of you when the times get tough. They will pacify you. They won't advise separation. Your in-laws would always take your side when they know that their son is at fault or even when you're at fault, they will forgive you easily. Unlike when your in-laws don't approve of you, they would even make the matter worst to make you look bad to their son.

Just imagine if you get married without your parents blessings? its a chaos!. You cannot go to your parents or your husband's to get advice because you knew that you cannot get any support from them. Imagine them adding up to the pressures of your life. One reason why you need the approval of both parents, because sooner or later, you will need to consult them.

I know a friend, she loved her boyfriend so much. But because she practice obedience to her parents, she let go of that man. Then the second one. Then the third one. Finally, the fourth, she got their approval. Now she's happily married. She told me that perhaps if she had married either of the first three, she wouldn't be as happy as she is now. Well, that's the price of obedience.

Remember your parents will help a lot to make your union a successful one. Be sure to get both of your parents' blessings! ok!

6. FINALLY, you ask your boyfriend this question: WHY DO YOU WANT TO MARRY ME?

If he says, "I want to marry you because you take care of me when I'm sick, you're thoughtful, you're sweet, because you cook me delicious food, because you make me smile, because when I'm with you I feel i don't have any problem etc etc." BEWARE, this guy only loves himself not you. He expects a lot from you to make himself feel good.

The problem is what if you don't do the same when you're married already?. That's where the conflict starts. He is now dissapointed with you, not having met his expections.

The right answer should be : I want to marry you because I love you, I want to make you happy, I will serve you, I will protect you, I will take care of you etc etc. Notice, he is marrying you not because of the things you will do for him BUT because of the love and care he is eager to give and share with you. No expectations from your end.

Just imagine if both of you are thinking of serving and loving your partner. I guarantee you, your marriage will be a smooth sailing one. It's because nobody is expecting anything from one another. Whether you cook or not, your husband won't mind. Whether you are thoughtful or not, it's not a problem. Because the focus is always on making the other person happy and not making oneself happy. If both of you will practice on giving oneself rather than the other way around, what a happy marriage it will be. Get me?

IN SUMMARY, FIND A MAN WHO IS GOD FEARING. EMOTIONALLY AND SPIRITUALLY MATURE. FINANCIALLY CAPABLE OF SUPPORTING THE FAMILY. ABLE TO BE THE LEADER OF THE FAMILY.

CHECK YOUR MOTIVES WHEN GETTING MARRIED. DON'T EVER MARRY BECAUSE YOU ARE VERY LONELY, BECAUSE YOU ARE IN DEBT, BECAUSE YOU WANT TO ESCAPE FAMILY OR PERSONAL PROBLEMS, BECAUSE YOU FEEL SO ALONE, BECAUSE YOU HATE YOUR PARENTS. PLEASE DON'T. AS YOU WILL BE MAKING ANOTHER LIFE MISERABLE LIKE YOURS.

Look at this face I know the years are showing
Look at this life I still don't know where it's going
I don't know much but I know I love you
And that may be all I need to know
Look at these eyes they never see what matters
Look at these dreams so beaten and so batered
I don't know much but I know I love you
And that may be all i need to know
so many questions still left unanswered
so much I've never broken through
and When I feel you near me sometimes
I see so clearly the only truth
I'll ever know is near you
Look at this man so blessed with inspiration
Look at this soul still searching for savation
Don't know much but I know I love you
And that many be all i need to know
Don't know much but I know I love you
And that many be all i need to know
Don't know much but I know I love you
And that many be all i need to know

...

September 28th, 2007
09.15 am
“Is Mr. Rahmat in his room?” I asked Tari.
“I don’t know. Do you have an appointment with him?”, she answered.
“No, I just need to see him for something”, I said.
“What’s up? Oh, no…don’t tell me you’d…..”, she guessed.
“What? The roumor speads out wide quickly huh? Resigned? That’s the least thing I have in mind today. But, I just told you that” I quickly cut.

10.15 am
When all stuff’s done at the office, I turned back to my wife’s office. Today we planned to check the oil meter and it was time to periodical monthly service. We head up to it.
The traffic did us more off time. It’s one of busy day in Jakarta. It could be my last day in the office. So, what bother me?

11.20 am
Finally, we arrived at Cempaka Putih headquarter of Interbat. Wasting no time, the car was quickly checked and repaired by mechanics. All place in the right hand. It took more than 30 minutes to deal with things, so I decided to wait in the mosque nearby the office, while my wife had stuffs to be done right away. It was nearly time to Sholat Jum’at.

00.38 pm
I forgot some of the speech. I was sleepy at the moment. Almost fell asleep, though. Still manage to do the praying. That was what recently happened to me in every Friday noon. Should’ve known better why the reason of being like that.
My phone was ringing. Called from my wife.
“Hello?”
“Yeah?”
“Where are you? Have you finished Sholat Jum’at? I’ve done all stuffs here”
“It’s just finished. I’ll be there now”
“I need to do another things, in another place”

02.10 pm
Another things in another place means we should go out for some window shopping. Not quite really. We stopped at Plasa Semanggi for business. I drove her off. She went straight in. I moved over to WTC, my office. I haven’t mentioned the purpose of my resign letter clearly earlier. That happened because the project manager always arrived at the office so late in the middle of the day.

03.39 pm
Everything’s set now. I have made my intention clear for resigned from Jakarta Land Management. The letter was accepted in kind by the HRD manager. The folks were quite like what? I was like that’s just fine, thank you. A bit wasting time conversation going down in the office. They were trying to pursue the main reason of what I was doing.
“So, you’re going out, right?”, asked Khalid.
“I made up my mind. It would be fine for me” I answered.
“That means you’re going to leave us? We’d be losing you” said Rizka.
“Like I said before, you’re all going to be just fine. Everything was set up perfectly. It’s time for me to move on” I explained.
“Where would you go for your next office?” asked Tari.
“Bakrieland Development have accepted me. I’ll be joining the rooster in the first November. It’ll be a great challenge for me. Until then, I need some rest. I’d been through things here”
“Alright then, how about Honda Mugen and Volvo Truck? You supposed to be the manager”, Khalid asked.
“No worry about that. Erwin will run the show better than me. He and the band would kicking ass in Honda Mugen. As for Volvo Truck, I leave it to the management. The decision is theirs”

That afternoon in 18th floor, everything was shallow. The called from my cellphone cut it through. It was my wife. Her things had done was my first guess. I was wrong. She told me that she had just found a blood stain in her panty…and the contraction was more and more during time…

04.18 pm
There was no need to be panic. It was about time. It almost reached the first of October. I drove fast. Fast enough to Budi Kemulyaan Hospital. We must checked the blood stain and the caused of reason. On the way, we called for dr. Dwiarti, she might be there also. She would suggest one or two for us in this term of condition.

05.05 pm
We reached the hospital even faster and cut traffic jam behind us. ER was the first stop point. Nurses there checked everything to make sure of my wife condition. Blood pressure, pulse, breathe lung, and other. They had spoken to dr. Dwiarti, and said that she’d be in the hospital about an hour or more. She ordered my wife for directly opname in hospital for further diagnose. Fortunately, we had prepared for such thing to happen. All packed in one baggage. Everything that would be needed for delivered. Except me.
We already booked for class II room in the 6th floor. We thought that’d be enough. At first, the class I was tempting, but for some reason we reduced it to a lower class. The result was right, it was a good room though.

06.20 pm
Breakfasting was just passed a few minutes ago. We knew it from the TV inside our room. Anyone who fasted should be delighted. I need to find some drinks and would like to have dinner followed after that. A moment to relax and pray to God. One big beautiful mosque in BI complex was just next to the hospital. From there the sound of adzan clearly heard to our ears. As for dinner, Masakan Padang located right in front of the hospital. This was truly sign of easiness.
Just before that, dr. Dwiarti have visited my wife and checked her condition. She told us to have my wife opname in the night. It was surprisingly and unpredictable. We wouldn’t think that would be serious, but the blood stain and the increased frequent of contraction were clear marks of first term following by another in delivery phase. Those were the beginning. Last, the opening was already 1 cm. Time had set now.

07.00 pm
First aplusan came. Numbers of nurses checked my wife’s condition. Blood pressure normal, pulse normal, heart and breathe normal. Everything’s seems normal. From the night she must fasting to prepare for any surgery condition tomorrow. It would be set no more than tomorrow she’d gave birth pur first child. The opening was still at 1 cm. The sound of adzan once again heard. It was time for Isya and followed by Tarawih, but I’d be missed the Tarawih.
I called home to make sure everyone’s fine. My mom, she asked how my wife’s condition, told her that she was fine. In every two hours they checked for her condition and anything.

09.15 pm
On my way to home. Inside Bulu, our best blue sedan car, I listened to some music in the station. Nothing really impressed me, until one played the song I liked. It was KT Tunstall’s Other Side of The World. Sad song huh? But I liked it. The song was a combination of acoustic and electric sound, mostly acoustic. KT’s voice was unique, remind me of Brittish and Europe female sound like Dolores O’Riordan, Ketie Melua, Sade, Nina Persson, Dido, Lene Marlin, Bjork, Sarah Mclachlan, Lisa Kerrigan, and many more.
The traffic was still on at the time close to 10 pm. Quite a regular thing-or should we said-a must in Jakarta at peak hour time.
At home, I took a bath, change clothes, brought some stuffs my wife’s ordered. Only for 20 minutes all of those packed together. I needed to go back to the hospital where my wife had waited. Not so long after that, I arrived at the hospital, again.

11.20 pm
The second aplusan just passed. Everything’s clear as for now. The opening progres have reached 2 cm. In four hours it added 1 cm. Imagine until tomorrow in the morning what would it be?
In the room, there were just two of us. I was kind of sleepy at the moment. Saw my wife, she was lying in the bed, held the pain she felt since the afternoon. She hardly breathe, one by one, just to released the pain. Little by little. It would be gone. I couldn’t be sure about that, one thing for sure I lost my sleepy time. Awoke all night long.
Outside, along the aisle, all was silent. The light was off. I went out of the room, walk through it, stop by the glass window of incubation baby room. There was one, two or three babies, they were sleeping in their boxes. Safe and warm, so quite.

September 29th, 2007
02.15 am
It was already 2 am on September 29th 2007. What a night, what a day. We couldn’t sleep at all. The aplusan had came for four times since last night. It came bigger to 4 cm.
There my wife, she walked forward back. Turn around over and over again. She could hardly rest, even for a minute, just laid down on bed. The pain, the burden, the feeling were uncertain. I accompanied her so far. I held her hand over my shoulder, helped her walk, stood by her feet. Wondered if these would be over.
Time passed quite still. Not so long, Sahur time would come. In the hospital, lonely buildings, there were some people waiting for their wife to give birth. Just like us. We found easy place to eat. We ate together. Some of us were chatting about their wife’s condition, the babies, all happy news. They smiled all over.

04.55 am
Adzan Subuh called us all. I took time to pray in a small musholla located at the same floor.
The day had started. I waited for another thing to happen. Maybe today, maybe in the morning, maybe in the afternoon, maybe in the night. Whatever it was, my hunch told me it all going down today. I hadn’t know any idea of what it was going to be. I just sit. I’ve been thinking to face it. Sooner or later, it’d happen. Today or any other day.

06.30 am
Sunshine woke us all. The bright warm yellow light from mother nature gathered in the room. The window curtain shaded wide, saw the back of other building viewed from the inside. Today was Saturday, so there won’t be many people goint to work, as it caused not much traffic in most part of the city. I always like this hours, I said to myself. It was fresh, it was new, as if you’ve been reborn into this world. Clear and clean.
We’ve prepared for taking a bath. My wife went first. I was second. The water quite cold, since the AC inside our room was set in low temperature. I couldn’t stand cold. I never could.
Soon after that, another aplusan came brought numbers of nurses checked for my wife’s condition. She was healthy and ok, the opening was at 4 cm. More to get time, but yet quite ready for big moment. They said we need to wait for the doctor for final decision. We waited.

08.00 am
The doctor came with spirit. She brought some news which we wouldn’t think it’d be. We thought it was going to be normal. It didn’t. At least, that was her suggestion. The decision was ours. Time was ours.
According to the last USG scanned the position of our baby wasn’t yet at the place it should be. At this time, they considered it floating, not close enough for reason of giving birth in normal condition. There’d be another choice, though. They still could work things out by giving some time so it slowly down to it’s supposed position.
Shortly, dr.Dwiarti proposed me a letter of which I had to sign. It was an agreement for any necessary action to be taken for giving birth. It was a matter of a piece of paper. For me, it meant life. A life for upcoming baby would be decided. A life that have been waited to be delivered to this world.

09.00 am
This was it. This was the final gate. The last encounter of long waited nine months pregnancy period. I was there, my wife too. We were together. We looked back from the very first time. Since the first time we met. The FS, the SMS, the Sahid Hotel, the symposium, the travel to Mojokerto, Bandung, and Surabaya, the Seafood Jembatan in Cempaka Putih, the driving lesson at Parkir Timur, the late night came home from Senen, the Ice Age – 2 in Metropole, the proposed in Semarang, the pick up after work from D’Best Fatmawaty, the long queued TransJakarta Bus Way, the only three months preparation, the wedding, and everything after that. And after after that, until now.
I barely remember the slight shadow of the impression from the two stripes, then it grew to two months, three months, changed hospital from one to another, four months, five months, the coat bed we bought from mothercare, the list of name we’ve searched, six months, the doctor, the USG real time 3-D, seven months, the seven months ceremony for our baby, the collaboration or two culture set a perfect harmony, eight months, nine months. Until yesterday, last night, this morning.
Here we were, sit side by side. Looking at each other. Convinced to what we thought inside. Believed to what we call faith. All the following in the previous was like pieces of puzzle in a glimpse. For a moment there, everythings clearly moved one by one in my eyes. I saw them moving slightly from the beginning. We’ve reached so far, but not far enough. It was time to make a move, forward with another step. A step further in our life.

…

The following happened around two years ago. This is a flash back of memory that have been through between me and my wife (when this happened, we were still on a date). This writing taken from my FS blog, Paranoid Android, which is now no longer active.

...

The travel to Mojokerto was actually to attend one of our friends' akikah. It's Ani, a friend of Hellen, a Mojokerto residential. We met her in a Leadership Seminar that was held around mid March in Senayan. She pursued us to come, as it was an honor for her to have us as guests. Well, we did come. Me and Nisa far-long-away from home.

We started the journey with a transit to Surabaya by plane. There, we planned to meet another Hellen's friends, Ayu and Meyta. First Ayu in Tunjungan Plaza, and then Meyta in her house. It was like a reunion for Hellen, as later Ani joinned us. They had a long and deep conversation, discussed many things. Mostly current things happen in life, from A to Z, not to mentioned remembering the old days too. I got to know them one by one by joinning their words.

Unfortunately, we had to separate after that. Only me, Hellen and Ani whose still compatriot, Ayu and Meyta left us in Surabaya. Ayu went straight home to Malang, while Meyta stayed home waitting for her husband to come home after work. Fortunately, Ayu lent us her car to travel to Mojokerto. It was a Suzuki Karimun. We wouldn't go fast, but we thanked her so much for the vehicle.

And the story went, we drove from Surabaya to Mojokerto. The trip took time about an hour or so. When we arrived, it already dark at night. We wouldn't want to miss a thing, but our stomach was empty. We were starving. Reacted quickly for such situation, Ani took us to one of the most popular food in her town, pecel bebek at street side. Fried duck traditionally served in a lesehan way to eat. We didn't care about the place, we did care for the taste. Delicious, we said. And cheap too. Culinary tourist as Hellen said once to me.

Next destination after the duck was Ani's house. Our main caution, place where we up to thousand miles away from Jakarta. Just a simple house with simple host. Her family welcomed us warmly, kindly treated would make us feel comfortable. We met them all. Her parents, sisters, brothers, brothers in law, even neighbors. The elder and the younger. They were all nice to us. Ani couple times apologized for the low condition of her residence comparing to ours back home, but we didn't mind. As in my opinion hers wasn't really like a country house at all. It was more like a sub-urban residential living. We found no difficulties in addapting to our new surrounding.

Night fell in Mojokerto. We fed up. A bit tired. Our eyes wouldn't compromise. But still we had less energy to have chit-chat talk. Nothing was important in that manner. We just sat in her living room. Lay back down to each other body. Felt the sphere, breathe the air, hear the sound. Until I fell asleep. Then we went to bed. We missed some hours for a walk around the city at night. It was around 11 or 12 pm I supposed.

The next morning. A new day. Our first woke up in Mojokerto. So fresh, so clean. We felt so young, yet full of energy. Like a charged battery ready to use. Ani was so exited to take us around city by motorcycle. An easy sunday morning started with me and Nisa together in a motor ride for the first time. We saw a crowd gather along Brantas river. So many teenagers. They went there as couple, trying to enjoy a little jog, remind me as we have in Senayan, Monas or along Jl.Sudirman and Jl.MH Thamrin in same time. Even family portrait was there too. Parents brought their children, another elderly walked hand in hand, side by side. This is life in Mojokerto, I said to myself. We joinned the crowd by the riverside and took as many pictures as we could. We really made ourself unlike amongst them.

Later we stopped for breakfast at Brantas riverside. A pick up car carried a complete assortments of nasi pecel. We had to line for the order, as so many people were there too queue for the same reason. we sat at a long bench by the river's borders handrail. Right us, was a-nine-tower watergate flowing water runs through the city. Probably the longest watergate I've ever seen until now. Left us, was a line of Brantas river to nowhere. With the sound of river flows, a perfect companion relieving life for a while. Far in the horizon, we could see sunrise break through thick clouds. It was a great view. Watching an effort of break through sunrise along Brantas riverside. We were there for a while or longer. We had a simple conversation. Best view served with best food. But we couldn't stuck there forever, we must went back home preparing the main plan. Akikah.

The akikah started around 9 am. There were so many people in the house. Families, friends, neighbors, relatives, even some of them travel far from Surabaya and other city. They were all gathers for some spiritual teaching. Told them each other, in a way of reminding our religion says. It would last until noon. Then host pleased us to enjoy the food. Natural and common for akikah, that was kambing guling and sate kambing. The appetizers amused us too. Fruits and some puddings delight our sunday noon. Unleashed appetite for everyone. As always after the festive, we ended the akikah and the guests permit themselves went home.

We stayed there for a while. In the afternoon, it was our turn to leave. We must reached Sidoarjo for Juanda airport to get on a plane that would take us to Jakarta. Permit ourselves to the host. Thanked them very much for the wonderful treat, letting us stayed a night in the house. It was a wonderful, wonderful experience with the Ani's. Even they asked us to come by later sometime. We would love to. We were their guest, and the guest was their honor.

On a way home, it's just me and Hellen. On our way home.