"Mum, I've already explained this to you & to the police that it's not a diary..."

-at which point she cut me off to say-

"No, it's a journal"

*Rolls eyes*

Yes, that's exactly what it is. It's not a diary it's a journal.

Not unlike her 2 cents during my rant about the Messiah's trip round Europe & the fact that none of these fuckers even have a vote anyway.

"How do they not have a vote like?!"

{{Crickets}}

"Well....would you like me to draw you a map? - Here's *Europe* & here's *America*..."

So I mentioned that the police have been chapping at the bit to speak to me. Well, Bear phoned this new Sergent on my behalf yesterday & tried to rein his ass in a bit - I do not want to speak to anyone right now, just like I don't want anything done right now, especially not whilst I'm here. However he phoned me today to "introduce himself" & I tell you, I couldn't get a fucking word in edge-ways.

I was already aware of this but he told me again that, depending on the report, he will have to act in the "public interest" & march ahead because of my abusers two children....

Luckily Bear had told him last night that if he did such a thing, he'd be on his own because I sure as hell wouldn't be cooperating because like I said, he didn't even give me time to breathe.

Point is, those two little brats are either an issue or not. Make a fucking decision right?!

And you know, three months ago I gave the word to get the ball rolling, over a month ago someone actually got off their arse & took the bloody statement, & no, it's still not here yet. So, tell me, in all that time how many "other victims" has he abused? Because wasn't it oh so important that I make my statement against him to "save the children"?! I hardly think another 9 weeks is going to make any difference, do you?!

But seriously, he's going to read that statement & see that one of that bastards kids, his daughter, is the very age I was when he started abusing me, so lets face it, he's going to go ahead.

Before terminating the call he managed to slip in that he & the other Sergent would be coming to speak with me once the statement had been received.

Let me say this nice & slow - No, they fucking will not be popping in on me to discuss what's going to happen next, because nothing is happening next until I leave the goddamn country.

Not two minutes after the phone call ended, Bear picked up from his end & tried to phone this guy to give him what for, but what do you know, he was miraculously off-duty, what with it being a Friday afternoon & all. So I was basically a last minute job that he hurried along so he could bugger off & enjoy his weekend.

Nice huh?!

Transport, (Transporte,)
motorways and tramlines, (autopistas y vías de tranvía,)
starting and then stopping, (arrancando y luego parando,)
taking off and landing, (despegando y aterrizando,)
the emptiest of feelings, (el más vacío de los sentimientos,)
disappointed people, (gente decepcionada,)
clinging on to bottles, (pegada a botellas,)
and when it comes it's so, so, disappointing. (y cuando llega es tan, tan decepcionante.)

Let down and hanging around, (Decepcionado y abandonado,)
crushed like a bug in the ground. (aplastado como un bicho en el suelo.)
Let down and hanging around, (Decepcionado y abandonado.)

Shell smashed, juices flowing (Caparazones aplastados, jugos fluyendo)
wings twitch, legs are going, (alas que vibran, patas ausentes,)
don't get sentimental, (no te pongas sentimental,)
it always ends up drivel. (siempre termina en tonterías.)
One day, I am gonna grow wings, (Un día me crecerán alas,)
a chemical reaction, (una reacción química)
hysterical and useless (histérico e inútil)
hysterical and (histérico y)

Let down and hanging around, (Decepcionado y abandonado,)
crushed like a bug in the ground. (aplastado como un bicho en el suelo.)
Let down and hanging around, (Decepcionado y abandonado,)

Let down, (Baja,)
Let down, (Baja,)
Let down, (Baja.)

You know, you know where you are with, (Sabes, sabe dónde y con quién estás,)
you know where you are with, (sabes dónde y con quién estás,)
floor collapsing, falling, bouncing back (el suelo derrumbándose, cayéndose, levantándose)
and one day, I am gonna grow wings, (y un día me crecerán alas)
a chemical reaction, [You know where you are,] (una reacción química [Sabes dónde estás,])
hysterical and useless [you know where you are,] (histérico e inútil [sabes dónde estás,])
hysterical and [you know where you are,] (histérico y [sabes dónde estás,])

Let down and hanging around, (Decepcionado y abandonado,)
crushed like a bug in the ground. (aplastado como un bicho en el suelo.)
Let down and hanging around, (Decepcionado y abandonado,)

And I must pray
Forgive me for saying, "Was this a mistake?"
But we can dream

But it's a complicated mess, and what it comes down to is just me
What if we touch lips just this once, and a blindfold leads to sinning?

And she said:
Holding my hand makes me comfortable, and just surround me with loving, baby
Not gonna wait around, cause I'm falling down and you're leaving town
Thought she was fearfully free
And i just made up my mind, just in time for you to leave me
Not that that's out of the way
Invested all of our time, for three great years we had a good scare
Now come give me a sign that you're not messing with my mind

And I must pray
Forgive me for saying, "Was this a mistake?"
But we can dream

Holding my hand makes me comfortable, and just surround me with loving, baby
Not gonna wait around, cause I'm falling down and you're leaving town
Thought she was fearfully free
And i just made up my mind, just in time for you to leave me
Not that that's out of the way
Invested all of our time, for three great years we had a good scare
Now come give me a sign that you're not messing with my mind

And I just made up my mind, just in time for you to leave me
Not that that's out of the way
Invested all of our time, for threee great years we had a good scare
Now come give me a sign that you're not messing with my mind

Monty Are I - "Just In Time"

That basically hits the nail on the head.

A few bits of advice:

• Don't plan a vacation that is going to break your bank... whether that bank is a money bank or an expectation bank.
• Form your expectations around experiencing something new and enjoying little moments.
• Let the place guide you. Huh? What I mean is don't go crazy with your planning. Sure, it's great to have plans, but leave room for discovery - for the place your visiting to reveal itself to you.
• Expect bumps. Usually things don't go perfectly or according to plan all the time. Expect bumps and then embrace what they show you... perhaps it's a chance for discovery.
• Be willing to laugh. Sometimes a vacation can't be redeemed. I had one such weekend getaway a few years ago. I was miserable. My boyfriend was miserable. We both tried to grin and bear it, but it was unbearable. Finally one of us broke down and said "this sucks" and we both burst out laughing. The rest of the weekend we made jokes about our situation instead of suffering.

So, remember: vacation happens. Don't let a few bumps along the road get you down. And once you get back home, write everything down that you can remember... we forget so quickly and the notes will trigger some great memories and laughter down the road.

What happens when you get your hopes up just to have them come crashing down? Do you lose hope all together or do you keep hoping for whatever it is? I can say that I have lost most of my hope when it comes to dating. There have been too many times in my dating life that I got my hopes up that the guy was going to work out, only to have my hopes smashed to the ground. It's sad to say, but now when and if I go on a date, I have no hopes whatsoever. There may be a very small part of me that may have some hope left, but I don't even notice it if there is. It's just too hard to keep getting my hopes up and have them squashed. A lot of people throughout my life have made lots of promises that have made me get my hopes up about one thing or another and the majority of the time, they never followed through. I have to remind myself that God is the only One I can put my hope in and He won't let me down. He may not always give me whatever it is I'm hoping for, but if He doesn't it's only because He has something so much better planned for me. It's hard to remember that though, after having my hopes shot down by so many people, for so many things, to even place my hope in God. I keep giving God human aspects, believing that He is just like the people who have let me down in my life. Not everyone in my life has let me down, I don't mean to make it sound like that. But we will all be let down by people in our lives and we will let others down. It's inevitable, we're not perfect no matter how hard we try. God will never let us down though, so we can place all of our hope in Him and trust that He will give us everything we need. Can you think of a time when someone really let you down and squashed your hopes? What about a time when you let someone else down? How do you keep your hope in situations when you keep having it smashed to the ground? I don't know if I'll ever be able to have any kind of hope in my dating situation, but I can hope :)

Anyways, today I'm dying my hair a burgundy color. I'm pumped. I'll post pictures later.

PS I move into Framingham State College a week from today!

A young man goofs when he is talked out of receiving Jesus as Saviour. Adapted for Black audiences.

I was wondering if there was a link between Ergotamine and Infertility.  I have for the longest time been a migraineur - with occular migraines/cluster headaches.  For about 15 years I took a drug called Migral, which you can get in the UK and in South Africa, which contains a herb called Ergot, which basically helps to constrict the blood vessels which are pumping blood into the head causing the aura and beginning of pain.    I took it for a long time.  I know there are serious repercussions if you overdose - restriction of the blood to the extremities - gangrene etc, but I have always been very careful to stick within the limits.  I have read a couple of articles on how ergot was used with bulls, and how it effected their fertility! What is it doing to us humans....?   Did you know that it is used to 'let down' the uterus after birth in some circumstances?  Don't get me wrong, this drug has helped me tremendously over the years, and has its uses! 

Well, I am just wondering because it doesn't seem like there is much info on this.    If anyone has any comment on this, and might be able to enlighten us, please respond to this post!

openly yours,

Coach Louise Crooks

here's some good links to check out.

Breastfeeding 101

Top 10 reasons to breastfeed

Busting breastfeeding myths

Overcoming Breastfeeding Challenges

Breastfeeding Do's & Don'ts

The Latch

A Major Let-Down

Starstruck

Kelly Mom

Does it matter if you know who a blogger is? I suppose that by knowing their real name, and seeing a photo of them, you can somehow relate them to yourself and they become more real for you, which means you can empathise better. Also maybe it’s a power thing, like in all those myths where knowing someone’s true name means you control them. If you know the blogger’s real name and face, you feel satisfied, because now they are on the same level as you – they are no longer a mystical figure, they are Michael Handcock, cursed with an unfortunately funny name and unfortunately spacious earlobes.

If you saw my face you might recognise me on the street. I don’t know how I’d react to that… it would be weird. But if you saw my face, when I retell my encounters with Rhiannon and Danny and CAMHS people and so on, you could stick it into the conversation and see a version of events closer to reality.

Is it important, though? Maybe if I read a blog where, even though the blogger assured us she was a right munter, I had built up a picture of her in my head looking pretty as can be, and she then posted a picture – I would get a shock. It’s shallow, but surely everyone judges on appearances, at least a little, however hard you try not to. I think I would feel let down, and when I read her posts I would probably view them in a different light, simply because I felt let down by her. Then again, there are three blogs I read where I’ve seen the faces behind them, and two of those three built me up for a fall with their descriptions of themselves and turned out to actually be just as pretty as can be, and the other one never mentions her appearance, and therefore gave me no preconceptions. They’re all female bloggers, though. Maybe we girls just like to judge ourselves.

If it turned out I was actually a fifty-year-old man, what do you think the reaction would be? OK, so I’d be a bit surprised, for one thing, but seriously now – this isn’t my attempt at testing the water before a confession – just hypothetically. If it turned out that a blog purportedly by a fifteen-year-old girl was by a middle-aged man, would people stop reading? Feel disgusted? Betrayed? Isn’t it the quality of the writing that matters, though? Every day older men write as younger girls and then it’s called being an author. But I suppose in that situation, you’ve entered into a contract with the author: it’s fiction, he knows it is, you know it is, and you’re prepared to accept that. When the same thing happens but that fiction is presented as truth, people get ditched by their publishing houses; they get taken to court. They’re liars.

To me, it just feels like validation of a friendship. You can make artificial friends with somebody over the internet, but only a real friend knows what you look like. Showing an internet friend a real-life photo brings the internet friend into your real-life world: I’d stop being Suzy Robinson, prolific blogger, and start being Suzy Robinson, blunt-fringed blonde kid with unrealistic dreams and hopes higher than Everest. And freckles.

Maybe I ought to do a sulz (yes, she really does have all the best ideas). She hid a post in her archives that linked to another hidden post, one which could be opened only with a password. If you found that post, you could ask for her password, and if you got it, you saw her photo. Theoretically, only her real internet friends would go to all that trouble, and if someone who wasn’t did, she could simply refuse the password. I never got the password. Then again, I never looked, because I missed the post in question by a couple of years.

Should I do that? Heh… I don’t know. It might be fun, though… Actually, before I get any high ideas, I would really like to know how you see me. I mean, take Chouette for an example (only because I've been reading her blog longest), who, for some reason probably related to the fact that chouette sounds like chat, I imagine as looking vaguely catlike. Do you have a very neat black bob, Chouette, and almondy eyes? I doubt it. But that’s the mental picture that has for some reason built up in my head from reading what you write and how you write… in fact, you look a bit like Amelie. From Amelie. (And then it turns out you are in fact Audrey Tautou, the woman who played her, and I am recognised internationally as a psychic of the highest order. Nice work, Suzy.)

(The title is talking about Grace Kelly, by Mika. I just realised that unless you're in love with Mika (well, his hair, at least) you may not have caught the line in question as he sang it. Not that fancying him would make any difference... oh, well.)

I can't...so I didn't. I told her as I always do, "I'm making it...nothing to report, nothing else to say". After she hung up the first time I cried so much I couldn't breathe, coughing blood, you know the whole nine......then she called again. She made me promise her I'd be OK, wouldn't "do anything". We both knew what she meant even though the words were never said. She told me I don't have to carry my burdens alone, she's here for me. But how can I place my troubles on her? Yeah, she's my mother but she has her own problems...she has my unless brother constantly worrying her, stressing her, using her...I could never add to that. My burdens are mine alone, I am getting exactly what I deserve.

 She still asks, "why won't (my ex) come back?" Oddly, she never asked why she left in the first place. I would love yo say,"Mama, I think she thinks I'm too good for her...she wants me to happy and she felt she was holding me back." Ha, that's pretty funny... someone saying I'm too good for them (I'd laugh aloud, if it weren't for the tears). Truth be told it's more like, "Mama, I have no idea...I guess her resentment is stronger than I can fathom." Of course after the last call, all I could do was sob for hours. Not just because of my situation, but because of course I feel selfish for even being upset when so many people go without even the basic necessities of life, and mostly because I see my mother's life mirrored in my own more and more everyday.  :|

I remember a time when all my mother did was work (3rd shift no less), and her only outlet...alcohol, just like mine. Now granted she drank heavier and more ofter than I can even afford, but in what I do drink (coolers), for my system... I drink a lot of them. {And no I don't recycle all that glass...fuck it!) Of course as all parents do, she wanted a better life for me....but well...that is not to be which is further proof I could never tell her. I'm even seriously considering starting to work 7 days a week (I'll have no choice soon...might as well start  preparing myself now). :(

Today someone said to me, "you know...when I see you (which is rare) it brightens my day. But I've noticed you don't smile like you used to, can I help?" I guess for a better person, they would have felt good in that, but all I could think about was that even in that slight gesture of not smiling anymore, I was letting someone else down and my pain was getting harder to hide. They asked, "do you not have anything positive in your life to make you smile?" Me being me, I was honest, "no", I said and then "she" got all bent out of shape.. guess I was supposed to say "her". I tried to explain to "her", when the negative over shadows your life, a few positive aspects are not enough. Of course this did not bode well with "her", but well she's a simpleton who thinks love will conquer all. Hell if that were true, I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in now. Every woman I've been in a relationship with who promised to take care of me & love me no matter what, would still be doing so.

Just like Scarlet, they all lied...maybe I should switch sides...find a man....at least I expect them to lie.

On second thought.....that is worse than death...never mind. 8O

http://www.last.fm/music/India.Arie/_/Ready+for+Love

This is probably the best lesson I am capable of teaching someone.   The basic theory was described to me about 12 years ago and is has definitely changed they was I look at the world.   It was a twelve word sentence that has stuck with me for all of these years.

Without a doubt, every time I get upset, I can trace it back to a failure on my part to think back to these words spoken to me by a high school dropout, who happened to be my boss at the time.

I began running my first construction crew in 1996.    It was a 600 home residential renovation and I was in charge of the electrical portion of this $30 million project (approximately $4 million in electrical work).

My construction career began as a laborer in the fall of 1994 and two years later, as an apprentice, I was in charge of a crew of 7-10 people.     Since I was naive in the ways of the world, I just imagined that everyone was on site to work as hard as they could and then go home.

This was not the case.  

After a day or two of a complete lack of production on the part of one of the two man teams I had put together, I began tracking production for the whole crew and compared it to my own.  I had other responsibilities and I was actually the least experienced electrician on the whole team, but was placed in charge.

The job was a "cookie-cutter" project...600 of the exact same thing.  Day after day, week after week, month after month...this was a "check-your-brain-at-the-door" project that was easy to track.

I compared everyone to what I could complete in a day.  After a couple of weeks,  I called the regional general electrical foreman and showed him what we had for production for this period.   Initially, he was shocked the effort I had put into this tracking (on my own time), but he looked at everything and asked me to go for a walk.

I called him because I was extremely frustrated at the production issue we were having.  We had 40 hours to complete the rough-in portion of this project, but I found a way for three people to do this in one day (24 hours).   The trim-out portion was supposed to be a  24 hour project and I found a system that would get it done is 16 hours.   Our panel replacements were allotted 6 hours for one and I found a way to do two of them in eight hour.   I could turn a 70 man-hour job into a 44 hour project.

What this meant to the company was that I found a way to add 10% of straight labor profit to the bottom line.  I was popular in the company very quickly.

He said, " (MTAE), you are an amazing worker.   You are focused everyday on setting an a production goal and you meet it EVERY SINGLE DAY.   But here is something that you need to understand...

"DON'T EXPECT MORE OUT OF SOMEONE THAN THEY ARE CAPABLE OF GIVING"

He then explained that some of these didn't really want to be here and surely didn't want to work as hard as I did.   They bid the job at 70 hours knowing this fact and would still make 7% profit if we completed them in 70 hours.   We should strive to get them done in 44 hours if possible, but some of these guys weren't going to give that kind of daily effort.

I ended up finding a new way to motivate them, but that is for another story.

When he said those twelve words to me, so many things made sense in my world.  Not just at work, but in my life.

I can make of list of the people who really let me down in my life and objectively look at their situations.  The big ones like my father, mother and step-parents, brothers, sisters and romantic interests down to the smaller friends, co-workers and casual acquaintances all had the same things in common.  I was expecting more from them they they were capable of giving.

My expectations of honesty, devotion and dependability may not have been more than the normal person could handle, but these people were not capable of this.  

It is possible that my standards are too high, and that may have been something that my boss was telling me twelve years ago.   I accepted that as a fact.  I am sure my expectations from people are too high and those words of his made me realize that I should lower those standards to what people are capable of giving.

Almost immediately,  the sky opened up for me and I could put myself in the shoes of other people and see things from their perspective.  

I am not sure if I ever came to a point where I forgave people for the things that happened to me, but I did understand that they did all that they could at the time.

DON'T EXPECT MORE OUT OF SOMEONE THAN THEY ARE CAPABLE OF GIVING

Those twelve words are the words I live by now.

• I don't expect someone to do something they haven't shown they can complete.
• I don't depend on someone who hasn't shown me they are dependable.
• I don't trust someone who hasn't proved the ability to be trusted.

This may be a dark way of living life, but it has kept me from being let down, disappointed and embarrassed.

I have found that the only time I get upset anymore is when I fail to follow those simple twelve words.

DON'T EXPECT MORE OUT OF SOMEONE THAN THEY ARE CAPABLE OF GIVING

I feel so badly when I fail to follow that rule and get slammed.  I get so frustrated for falling in the same trap again and again.

It is like throwing a bleeding sunfish in a shark tank.

Sorry for such a long post.  I tried to keep it under 1000 words.

i'm not sayin i wanna walk around
without a heart or
be a cold woman
but i feel like i don't know how to
manage this organ i've been given.
it dances to its own rhythm,
shuffling and sliding
about 70 steps a minute,
grooving faster than seconds
so it's no surprise
that no matter how hard i try
to keep up, i fall behind.
this muscle that is the only the size
of two fists
is swifter than all of my logic
and limbs combined.

it provides me with lies
and with each new beat it
neglects to teach
me how to beat
my stupidity.
it pumps blood to my arteries
but is still the part of me
that i resent.
i wish i could hold my heart in contempt
for refusing to be honest with my mind,
setting me up with false expectations and trust
and making me crazy whenever i sense
the slightest hint of love.

but for whatever reason,
i still love this heart i have
because when what is in front of me
fails me
it speaks to me and tells me
that it is built with the capacity
to expand to other beings
so despite the hurt of my feelings,
my heart is the only route
to get to the true feelings
of love.

My head fits perfectly in that crook on your neck
stroking your head
listening
your familiar smell making me nostalgic
but I don't know you
not anymore

Its those same cofffewithtwocreams colored eyes I've stared in countless nights
some just like this one
That perfect scar on your upper lip
you hate it.I love it.
I know you?I knew you.

Like a sidewalk you voice cracks
filled with emotion
sincerity
truth
My heart belives you.
My mind does a mental eye roll.

Hadn't I dreamed of the moment countless lonely nights?
Eyes blinking back tears
mind in a daze
thinking about your kiss.

my dream is alive

Lips pressed on lips
magicspinningfireworks
but is it real?

Days pass.
Promised calls never happen.
Surprised?
I'm not.

If only this didn't happen.
If only I didn't wake up in your favorite t-shirt scrambling to my phone only to find the lack of missed calls.

If only "it was all a dream"

Another important standard  is the requirements of being honest...brutally honest at all times, especially in the business environment. How many times do we tell a different story to different people depending upon who they are and what we feel would best serve our needs at that moment. Certainly we are telling the bank, our vendors, our creditor's, our customers our employees five different versions of our economic condition.

The only approach to consider is to repeat the exact correct story every time to every person no matter what the situation and no matter what the perceived results may be. Lies, distortions, concealment's, to board members, managers, bankers, investors, customers serves no viable purpose other then to force you to explain why you misrepresented your position when the truth finally comes out and it always does...eventually.

Honesty is not just a good idea, its a necessary tool for business and personal success. Honesty in the work place brings out the best in everyone associated, as concealment and distortion forces one to mistrust and if your employees have personal knowledge of the truth or when they gain such knowledge in the face of such corporate distortion, what are they supposed to do with it other then to acknowledge that we are living and working in a culture of lies and must perpetuate such negative energy as that is our job. This negative energy reduces performance, productivity, sense of well being, and reduces comfort even makes people ill with apprehension and mistrust as well as destorying your reputation and reducing credibility and reliability tremendously.

Also within the field of lies and distortions we weave, the occasional truth and honest remark fails to act as the beacon it should because it is surrounded with so much negative distortion and fabrication thus it is perceived as another wrinkle in the invented story, not as the truth to be relied upon.

There is the second twist, people who rely upon your remarks, when they determine they were a lie, are then very disappointed, feel totally let down and get angry at you.  Even if it is bad news, the truth releases you from the pressure of continuing the fabrication, it allows all involved to be playing on the same field making the right decisions and drawing respectful conclusions. In fact how are the people directly involved who are subject of the distortion going to be of any assistance at all if they have the wrong information because someone was not honestly reporting the truth as it is not as we hope or want it to be. Brutal and painful honesty is the way to live and the way to be at your business. The only way.

The power and success that comes out of such a practise is unmeasurable as compared to the poor results that occur when we resort to distortions, lies and fabrications. Recall the physical feeling the last time you felt it necessary to lie in a business situation, nervous tension, distress, nausea, fear, anxiety, much discomfort, much negative energy.  Recall the feeling of empowerment and release the last time you told the truth even if the information was extremely negative In a situation were you were tempted to lie but did not, exhilaration, empowerment, positive energy, clear focus and vision, are the likely  results. Honesty even has a huge positive effect on you physically. There must be something to this. 

Worse yet is the necessity of remembering the variations of your story as you must live the lie over and over and its many variations as you reported different nuances to different people in different positions. The lie dejour. Not only is this no way to live, the opposite is just as true, brutal honesty in business is the foundation and are the building blocks of success. Try it, it works.

Things over the past month(s) have been quite a roller coaster. Three weeks ago I fell down some stairs at work and have since been in varying state of handicap. My doctor has me working half-time because I was too stubborn to take off full days of work during the onset of my injury. Apparently this has caused bigger problems, and now my body continues to fight itself as each day I walk on two sprained ankles is like a fresh injury. I hate working part-time and I can't wait to get back to my regular life. Almost everyone who hears I'm on halfy says "How great" but in reality "half-time" means you come into work and do twice as much in half the time. Normalcy is where it's at, y'all.

The biggest ongoing event in my life is that I have been looking to adopt a dog. My landlord has placed an INSANELY stringent limit (15 lbs or smaller) on the dog size, and that's not saying a lot when I am used to 130 lb dogs. I have, however, come across a few fantastic dogs through petfinder.com, and this weekend I thought I had found "the one"...a little boston terrier. I was scheduled to drive up to Michigan to meet him tomorrow, but the foster parent adopted him out from under me today. I received a voice mail this evening that basically said "Sorry, we let somebody else take him" and later came to find out (adding insult to injury) they had adopted him to a woman who called earlier in the week but never bothered to call back until today. I guess you don't lose your place in line with adoptions.... ???

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a dog FREAK. My pets are treated like little royalty, and whoever ends up with me will be a spoiled little furball. This is my first experience with adopting, and I must say it has been VERY bittersweet. This isn't the first time a dog has been adopted "out from under me," and each time it is a very traumatic experience. Perhaps I was naive in thinking it would be as simple as pointing at an adoptable dog and just like that he's mine. Unfortunately, it has not been my experience thus far. I don't know if it is the particular dogs I'm interested in, the organizations who are adopting them out, or just plain bad luck, but this has been a journey of heartache and disappointment for me. To the point I have considered forsaking adoption altogether at times, because each time I find a dog I think will be a good match it's either "just been adopted" or someone somehow weasels their way in before me.

A lot of the problems arise from the fact that some groups "work" multiple applications for the same dog at once. This makes it not only a competitive process, but a very emotionally charged process as well. I realize that the orgs do this to ensure that if one lead falls through others are in place, but that also means that the likelihood of disappointment is MUCH higher when you have 4,5,10 people who all think they are he front runner for the same dog. Simple mathematics shows that 10 people - 1 dog = big problems for 9/10.

Understanding the mission of these rescuers is first and foremost to save as many dogs as possible, which requires placing them in the best homes they can find in the shortest amount of time, I understand their reasoning. But having said that, being on the receiving end of the heartbreak of finding a dog I thought would be a great fit for me - imagining him in my home, with my family, as a part of my life for the next decade - then having the rug pulled out from under me, I must admit I have a bitter taste in my mouth.

I am not a confrontational person AT ALL, but every now and then something comes up and I feel that it is worth speaking my piece from a soapbox if necessary. This experience was one of them. I e-mailed the foster mom to share my feelings after I heard the voice mail with the hopes it would provide a little insight into what it feels like when you are one of the nine people who feel you drew the short straw, and who feel a little wronged by the system. I will attach that letter below.

To all the future pet-owners out there: Having said all of this, don't get me wrong, adoption is THE way to go. Two weeks ago I went to the dog shelter in my City. I only made it through the first doors before I burst into tears (which didn't subside until hours later when my mom forced me to order a VAT of sangria to "take the edge off" ...). There are millions (MILLIONS!) of dogs all over the country who want nothing more than a home and a family. They have, by no fault of their own, found themselves without both. Walking into the pound and seeing those eyes, so desperate for nothing more than love, affection, and a home of their own is something every person should experience. It is a heart-wrenching, terrible, emotional experience and SO important for people to realize what human irresponsibility breeds. Each person who adopts a dog, in essence, saves 2. If you adopt from a shelter, that means a space is made for another dog who comes into the shelter. If you adopt from a rescue, you save a rescue dog and make room for another shelter dog to enter the program. The silver lining to all of this is that there are MANY people who now make the responsible choice to ADOPT a pet rather than support backyard breeders, puppy mills, and pet stores. If you think you have love in your heart and room in your home for a new pet, please consider adoption. It really is the most LOVING thing you can do.

To all the organizations, however, I ask of you one small thing: Just be honest with us. If you know that there are multiple people vying for one dog, just be upfront about it. If adoptive parents think they are the only ones, they may pass up another dog who needs a home, only to find out they have NO dog in the end. The process is emotional enough just by its very nature, keeping open lines of communication and honesty will make the journey more harmonious for all.

**I would also like to add that the foster mom sent back a very nice e-mail, explaining the rationale behind their decision, which I did appreciate. There is no ill will whatsoever, my intention in sending this email was not to induce guilt or elicit an apology, simply to give them a little perspective from the other side.

For now I take solace in knowing that everything happens for a reason. The paths in my life are ALWAYS the ones of most resistance, but the rewards at the end are always far sweeter than I could ever have imagined. This will surely be one of those things.

Now onto my letter...

Dear XXXX,

Thank you for letting me know that you have adopted XXXX to another family. I am sure he will be very happy in his new home.

As a future veterinarian, you are no doubt aware of the emotions that surround our pets and the decision to bring a new four-legged member into the family. Therefore, as a potential adopter, I feel compelled to share a little feedback with you from my side of the adoption experience. I must admit I was quite disappointed to receive your message about XXXX this evening. Truthfully, I feel like I wasn't even given a fair chance as a potential adopter.

I realize that your first priority is to place dogs as quickly as possible in the best homes, however after our conversation yesterday I was under the impression that I was the next person in line to meet him and potentially adopt him. I feel that he was exactly what I was looking for, and would have been a wonderful addition to my family, and was I was very excited at the prospect yesterday when we ended our conversation. My family members had even made arrangements to be available to come up with me - and everybody was looking forward to meeting our new potential family member.

This is not an isolated incident, and has happened before to both myself and other people I have met throughout the adoption process, and I feel it's important to share this information with those who are responsible for adoptions. I am not saying any of this vindictively, as I know your priority is to do what is best for the animals, and I respect each person who is so selflessly involved in animal rescue, but I feel it is also valuable information for foster parents to hear this side of the adoption process. While this may be the "darker side" of adoption, it is a reality nonetheless for many, many people.

For an adopter, it is heartbreaking experience to feel like a dog has been adopted out from under you. It can really sour what should be a wonderful experience.

I feel that this disappointment was totally avoidable, had I known there were other people in line to meet XXXX before me. I know that many agencies "work" multiple applications at the same time, so that in the event that an adoption falls through, they have other people in line to take a dog. While I totally understand this policy, I also think it is in the best interest of everyone if this is expressed clearly and openly so that potential adopters don't become emotionally committed to a dog only to receive the phone call I received tonight. It is, of course, essential to take into consideration the well-being of each dog, but in the name of human compassion, it is also important to remember how applicants and families become emotionally vested in the dogs that they envision integrating into their homes and lives.

We do not enter this process lightly, and when we, as adopters, have spent hours, days, weeks looking for the right match, when we finally make the decision to pursue a dog we consider the right match for our lives, it is not just a financial and physical undertaking, it is also an emotional one.

I can only speak for myself, and I hope that this will at least give you a little insight into my personal experience and may be of some use as you continue to foster and begin your career in veterinary medicine.

Best of luck in your career & congratulations again on placing XXXX with his new family.

She was attractive in a unique way, and I don't mean that like a backhanded compliment. It just wasn't totally conventional. She had a good toned figure and nice eyes, but large Angelina Jolie-esque lips that got her teased and a pair of front teeth that in years gone by would have had her munching carrots. Put this unusually attractive girl in a room with 15 guys, all of whom are teenagers in heat, all of whom are drinking, and all of whom want to nail whatever wears a skirt, and you have one highly desired girl.

I, suffice to say, was a tool. Not in a good way. Not a cocky, popular kind of tool. I hated those guys. I was a tool because I was unpopular, overweight, unattractive and arrogant (3 out of 4 of those things haven't changed). I was the only person at the party to no longer be attending the same college, and so people tended to ignore me at the party. Half of them called me by the wrong name. I also had quite a well known boner for this girl; even she knew it. We were friends, but in typical style, I wanted to be closer friends than she did.

As the night got on, the guys felt it was a great idea to put a porn movie on, while Marie and I were lying down close to the TV, talking. Obviously not being so immature as to watch porn (hmm) and trying my hardest with Marie, I ignored it and we carried on talking. As the conversation developed, a duvet was placed over us, and we lay down, spooning. With 15 guys next to us watching porn.

Naturally, the moment was right for me to make a move. My hand slid, stealthily as usual, under her shirt and onto her toned stomach, and slowly moved upwards. To my utter horror, she didn't stop me.

Fuck. I was being given permission here. What the fuck do I do? I cupped her not inconsiderable left boob while my mind raced and my boxers tightened, awaiting the heaven that was sure to come. Nothing. I drew a blank. At this point, a guy called Lee came and sat down next to her, and began talking. Maria replied only in vowels but I new I had to keep control of the situation: I moved my hand under the bra and touched the sweet manna that was her naked left boob. Mmm.

This was uncharted territory for an overweight, unpopular 16 year old who'd never even kissed before. This left boob represented everything I had so far been denied. This was golddust, this was my holy grail. I was no longer to be inexperienced and miserable, wasting the days awaiting more convenient delivery systems for internet porn. There was more to discover. Her right boob, for a start.

I moved across and slid my hand under again, my mind racing and boxers struggling to handle the pressure. Using my rudimentary knowledge of biology, and years of experience in watching porn, I carried on with this public indecency in ways I won't continue with, if only so I don't sound like a badly written erotic novel. The evidence was plain to see. In a room full of more good looking, eligible, popular guys, I had scored with the girl they were all after. Well, for one night at least.

But wait. Whats that funny feeling? That...shudder....goosebumps...what the fuck. What just happened? Wait, she's joining in now? I didn't think this one through. She moved her hand towards my jeans and my heart beat like a triphammer. Aside from a deep-rooted problem with foreskin, which I will explain another time, I had the sneaky suspicion that if her hand was to explore further, it might meet a somewhat sticky end. This had to be stopped. Fate saved the day, as my best friend chose that moment to ask, "what exactly are you doing under there?"

"nothing."

And we both stopped. Everyones eyes were on us and, to be honest, everyone knew what was going on anyway. No one wanted to talk about it because no one could believe that it was me getting it. But the damage had been done... my hopes had been raised. After an uneventful night, the sun rose on a ridiculously awkward conversation between Maria and myself. I thought it had meant something. Maria was 'drunk' (which was a lie) and saw me as a good friend. Don't they all.

And there it was. Half an hour of awkward fumbling and stained boxers, all for what? A let down and sympathy hug. The manna was no longer mine. What did I learn from this lesson? That there are better ways to begin relationships than in from of 15 people watching porn.

 Malaysia’s electorate handed the Barisan Nasional (BN) 140 seats in the March 2008 election.  The remaining 82 seats went to an alliance of opposition parties known as Pakatan Rakyat.

63% dominance in the parliament is an enviable result for any ruling party, except that the BN had always enjoyed 2/3 majority since Malaysia’s independence in 1957.

It doesn’t help that de facto opposition leader Anwar Ibrahim, a former Deputy PM, is enticing BN MPs to switch sides.  All he needs is for 30 to cross over, and he topples the government.  At the moment, the scenario looks very possible.

But is it be fair for an elected MP to defect?  Many voters cast their ballots for the party they support, not for the candidate himself.  They mark their tick against the party symbol, not the candidate’s name.

Defecting then, would constitute an act of betrayal against such voters.

Please, if you're a supplier to a bridal couple don't let them down - ever.  It's bad manners, poor practice and on a purely emotional level, just not right.  If your business hasn't got a robust contingency plan then get one.  We're in business to help couples ensure that their day goes without a hitch, so to speak; the last thing they want to hear is a 'Sorry, but...'

To anyone reading this site - we've NEVER let anyone down and we don't intend starting now.  We may not be available to cover your day but if we have agreed a date and what it is we're going to do for you then we'll be there.

When I get more time I will write up my experiences from some of these weddings most of which we didn't cover the photography so no images.
See you soon and thanks for checking in.

NikkiG

Let Down
By Radiohead

[...]

You know, you know where you are with
You know where you are with
Floor collapsing
Floating, bouncing back
And one day....
I am going to grow wings
A chemical reaction
Hysterical and useless
Hysterical and...

Let down and hanging around
Crushed like a bug in the ground
Let down and hanging around

[...]

Like Estragon and Vladimir, I'm forever Waiting for Godot. The faculty of anticipation bordering absurdity as the capacity of waiting withering.

Is it so hard to make one commitment to fill this epoch of time, when there's absolutely no hindrance, no attachment to other place and at least a foresight of expecting to be near-presence of this locality?

One day off. Near and about. Silence.

I feel sorry for myself. I'm trying too hard to appease this facetious pantomime. Mouthing and jerking and twitching for semblance of plausible expression. I'm humouring my ill-humoured self with certainty with certain degree of sacrificing the prospect of my hectic life.

One day off the hectic life on this eventful day.

And I found myself thinking -- aloud -- Why?

Perhaps it's time to be overtly apathetic. Curbing the liquidity of resources to bare minimum. Saying yes, to say no. To contradict myself, for my own benefit -- not being selfish -- rather, just to be self-aware.

+++

I know, it's not a promises. And you know it's the day. Yet the day wasted with you in the familiarity of personal-comfort. I should know better, for someone who is used to normalcy, impromptu event sounds taboo.

+++

Update:

Alright, my fault.

*sigh*

Man, I'm really easy to cave in, innit?

*tunneling out*