• In Tony Franklin's America, we enjoy freedom as Americans. Our forefathers fought for our right to be able to speak freely.
• In Tony Franklin's America, we eat nails and spit bullets as Osama and his gang quiver like sissy men in their caves. Why must we do it? In the TF America, we answer that by asking who else has the balls to do so?
• In Tony Franklin's America, we mock other coaches for their rough edges and ability to rub people the wrong way, even though we appear to be guilty of it ourselves*. We are Americans after all.
• In Tony Franklin's America, we send our fans to brag about our ability to score against the likes of Oklahoma State and Georgia, even though a Mike Shula playbook scored 31 points and we lost thanks to costly turnovers.
• In Tony Franklin's America, we recruit the best, while the rest run away in fear**.
• And finally.... in Tony Franklin's America, we bring a dynamic style that will revolutionize the world. For $275, you can too.

*See Kentucky tenure and "Fourth Down and Life To Go"

**Rest may actually include arrogant, over the top "All-American" babies.

This post is in fact a poor attempt at satire, but I have things to do and so little time to do it in.

Madden: It's ok, It's ok, It's ok........... IT IS NOT OK! Oh gosh......... what I am gonna do with myself? Brett was the reason I made myself get up every morning. Heck, he was the reason I signed that friggin' contract with NBC. I can't take having to share dinner with Al Michaels every season! All he does is inject botox and scream "Do you believe in miracles!?" NO I DON'T MIKE, BECAUSE THE BEST TORSO IN FOOTBALL IS NO MORE!? *sobs*

*knock knock* Mr. Madden, you have 15 minutes until your speech.

Madden: *clears throat* Yeah..... thanks Billy. *looks at the phone* .......... no, don't do this to yourself John. You told yourself you wouldn't call after that "accidental" run in at the grocery store...... *dials number*

RING RING!

Aaron Rodgers: Hello?

Madden: Break a knee! Break a knee!

Aaron Rodgers: WHY WON'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?! I CANNOT TAKE YOU TRYING TO CURSE ME! *slams down the phone*

Madden: Aw crap, that's probably another 50 yards in court.

Suddenly, a knock at the door

The Ghost of Football Future: Hello, John....

Madden: Wha.... what's going on here?

TGFF: I'm here to show you something that will change your life. Meet Tim Tebow...

Madden: Why is he holding a scalpel?

TGFF: Because he's going to circumcise opposing defenses, John.

Madden: Oh. My. Gosh. He's the most amazing thing I've ever seen! *tosses Favre shrine into the garbage* You need to stick with me Tim.... you and I are going places.

Tebow: I like saving Hispanic children.

Madden: Yeah, well I like watching football players grow old by never missing a game. Want some taffy?

Tebow: TAFFY! *chews*

Later that day

Madden: DO NOT WORRY NFL FANS, FOR I BRING YOU..... THE TEBOW! YOU SHALL WORSHIP HIS WRECK LESS ABANDON FOR HIS OWN BODY, FOR HE IS OUR GOLDEN CHILD! HIS PRESENCE ALONE BRINGS TEARS OF JOY TO THESE OLD AND TIRED EYES!

Tebow: I like Hispanic kids and taffy!!

Madden: NOW GO FORTH AND SPREAD THE NEWS!

Mal: Con-voy! *inhales* Yes sir, the open road has never looked so good! I'm glad I could get out of the office for a few days to enjoy the great state of Alabama. On to Mobile!

*stumbling forward due to a bumpy ride, Nick Saban quickly plops down into the passenger's seat*

Saban: Ooff! Mal, could you learn how to drive sometime before my spleen jumps up into my Adam's apple?!

Mal: Nick, you do need to show some respect. I am your boss you know....

*Saban holds up contract, Moore drops head in dejection*

Saban: As I was saying, your ability to drive this massive steel tomb is abysmal. It's really starting to hinder my ability to find a way to contact players so that the NCAA doesn't throw another 3 year old style hissy fit.

Mal: How's that going?

Saban: Not that great actually. I'm working on a hybrid mixture of sign language and smoke signals. Needless to say, it's somewhat tedious and incomprehensible.

Mal: I'm afraid to even ask what it looks like....

Saban: Well, I haven't worked out all of the kinks, but it involves this guy *hands photograph to Mal*

Mal: SWEET MOTHER OF BEAR, THAT'S CRAZY! YOU DO REALIZE THAT SOME HEALTH STANDARDS BOARD SOMEWHERE WILL HAVE A COW OVER THIS DON'T YOU!?

Saban: Probably. That guy when into a nicotine induced coma on Julio Jones alone. But that's your issue since you get to hire all of the legal guys. As for me, I need to finish my speech for the stop and analyze some recruiting tapes. After all, somebody has to figure out who's who in the class of 2016. *stumbles back towards sofa*

Mal: Note to self, get secretary to write up two dozen different medical release forms for smoker guy.

*Mal looks at mirror only to notice Big Al making his way towards the front*

Mal: Ah, Big Al! Ready to excite the fans?

Big Al: ...... *wiggles belly*

Mal: Ah ha ha! Do something else!

Big Al: .... *swings truck over head like a rope*

Mal: Yeah!!! Thanks Al, you always know how to help me relax

Big Al: .... *salutes Mal and walks towards Saban*

Saban: *from the back of the RV* Good, I need somebody to help me figure out how to create the letter "R" in smoke. Any ideas?

Big Al: .....

Saban: Brilliant!

Mal: Glad to see everyone getting along. *Turns head to yell* HOW'RE WE DOING MDB?

Million Dollar Band: *in unison* We're hungry! We need to pee! Where's our per diem!?

Mal: I told you to go BEFORE we left!

MDB: We drank like a whole liter of coke! A LITER! We weren't gonna do it, but Ricky the mellophone player dared the rest of us to do it.... AND WE DID IT!

Mal: Well you'll just have to hold it!

MDB: BUT MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!

Mal: I SWEAR I WILL TURN THIS RV AROUND! DO YOU WANT THAT?!

MDB: .... no sir.

Mal: Good! *sees exit sign for Mobile* Ah, we're almost there! Get your stuff together everyone, it's time to shine.

Some thoughts:

• I'm afraid of what a McCainiac actually does with their free time
• What, Hill-Rod couldn't afford another tear down her cheek?
• Barack.................. that was the lamest thing I've ever heard. Seriously man, you're making this dorky white guy feel uncomfortable.
• McCain would've won my vote if he had done the following: A) Actually given us a better acting job. B) inserted a random Ric Flair "WOOO!" just before he body slammed Tim Russert through the nearest table.
• Question for Hillary: Is that your toughest looking scarf?
• Barack apparently changed his named to Bareck. I appreciate Senator McCain for informing us all.
• Obama, I've given this a lot of thought...... that was STILL the lamest thing I've ever heard. You seem like the kind of guy to eat discount corn flakes in the morning in total silence, only to utter "Now for the bran muffin" once you finish your cereal.

Yes, thanks to the public outcry from.... uh, groups, the Papa John's franchise has decided to support Legion Field and its surrounding areas. Thank goodness, because I was under the impression that absolutely no one wanted anything to do with this bowl.

Where would I ever get such an idea?

The annual match-up between C-USA and the Big East will probably continue to draw low numbers as it grows with time. Still, if ESPN regional is willing to burn spend its money for this event, I guess there isn't much else to say in this matter.

There aren't a ton of people outside of the Universities (just a guess) who know what PapaJohns.com is for, much less use it. It's a nothing bowl with a .com title, which usually lowers the value of whatever it is associated with in the world of sports.

*Telephone rings*

Roy: Oh hey, the phone is ringin'. Must be a newspaper guy wantin' to profile old Roy. *picks up phone* Hello?

Mysterious Voice #1: YOU'RE GOING DOWN ROY! VENGEANCE IS MADE OF LIMESTONE AND SOY BEANS BABY!

Roy: Who is this? Wha.... what's going on here?

Mysterious Voice #1: ROCK CHALK! *hangs up phone*

Roy: Sheesh! Seems some folks are gettin' all worked up for our Final Four match-up. Oh well, can't let one rabid fan bother me.

*Phone rings again*

Roy: Well ain't that something.... two phone calls less than a minute apart. This one has to be that reporter. *picks up phone* Roy Allen Williams speaking.

Mysterious Voice #2: Roy, Roy, Roy..... how good it is to hear your voice. How are you?

Roy: Good. Ok, so let me start with my childhood. *clears throat* I was born in Spruce Pine, North Carolina in 1950. Gosh, everytime I win at UNC, I remember being a wide-eyed youngster watching those Heels plowin' on to victo-....

Mysterious Voice #2: Roy, I'm not interested in that junk.

Roy: But I didn't get to talk about my childhood affection for Coke!

Mysterious Voice #2: Sorry Roy. I just wanted to tell you that hell hath no fury like a Jayhawk scorned.

Roy: What in the blazes? Who is this?!

Mysterious Voice #2: YOU'RE GOING DOWN IN SKY BLUE FLAMES! OH, AND THANKS FOR THE JOB, COACH HUCKLEBERRY! BWAHAHAHA! *hangs up*

Roy: Man, I am not liking this day so far. I need to get some soothing Coca-Cola. *presses button* Brenda, please bring me my comfort juice.

Brenda: Yes sir.

Roy: COKE ZERO! This stuff is for hippie hugging liberals who can't take calories like a real man.Who sabotaged my supply?!

*phone rings*

Roy: AW HORSE POO! Who could it be this time?

Mysterious Voice #3: *mumbles something threatening*

Roy: What did you just say?

Mysterious Voice #3: *spits out rack of lamb* Sorry.... You're going down old man! It was I who replaced your Coke supply!

Roy: Why would you do such a dastardly deed?!

Mysterious Voice #3: Why? Well..... I was told to. My boss said I have to harass you so you won't be on your A game in Texas. If I don't, he'll take away the stair-lift to my office. Listen Roy, I'll gladly give you your Coke back on one condition.

Roy: Name it!

Mysterious Voice #3: I WANT TO EAT YOUR BABY!

Roy: You mean..... this baby?

Mysterious Voice #3: Yes! Get in my belly!

Roy: Hmmm...... Man, this is a tough, tough decision. *mulls offer* Nah, I can always buy more Coke, but I can't buy another baby. Besides, this baby matches my sofa.

Mysterious Voice #3: FINE! But beware, I'll get me that baby sometime. And when I do, I'll wash it down with a bubbly Coca-cola!

Roy: *slams down phone* I think I'm going to bed early tonight after all this crap. Goodnight everyone!

*later that night in Roy's head*

Hansbrough: CATCH HANSBROUGH FEVER BABY!

Roy: I'VE GOT IT TYLER!

THE END

Cast includes Roy Williams, Jayhawk mascot, Bill Self, Mark Mangino, random kid, and Tyler Hansbrough. I am sorry for resorting to an Austin Powers joke with Mangino, but it is hard to resist.

I know what you're wondering: What will TD do in order to keep up with the NCAA tournament while at work? I can only suggest one thing since this is actually our busy season *grumbles while typing this fact*. I plan on taking a fairly late lunch. This way, I can go home to eat while getting about a good hour of TV watching in before I have to start more paper pushing. Half a hot-pocket and a ham sandwich is worth it, dangit!

If you're allowed a TV at work, you should be set. If you're like me and the rest of America, you don't have this option. So, I suggest those of you with MP3 players that have FM abilities to tune into the closest sports FM station that is actually going to broadcast the games. If you're like me, you only get WJOX, which means you'll have to listen to Lance and Ian have the following conversation:

Ian- So I was eating at [the Italian place they pimp that I choose not to remember] and dude..... the Chicken Parm- I call it Chicken Parm because it makes me sound cool- was so out of this world and cheesy.... mmmmm.

Lance- Speaking of cheesy, it's time to start our hour of wasting time by playing cheesy movie trivia! The Last Starfighter is the movie, and the question is about the actor who played the game's creator. What is his name, and what movie musical shot him to semi-stardom early in his big screen career?

Ian- I dunno man. I'd answer it, but then I might have to stop using my cool cat lingo.... or stop objectifying women, which would totally sink our show.

Lance- We do tend to depend on skin a little too often during the spring...

Sorry to insert a mini-tangent, I just had to express my feelings about this ridiculous waste of time during the post-season. I digress....

If you can't find any way at all to catch a game during the daylight hours, then I have one thing that could help you. Drum roll please!....

My fail proof NCAA tournament bracket*!

Behold the bracket's awesomeness! Enjoy the bracket's luster! Bask in the bracket's...... awesomeness.... again. (Click to view).

This bracket will absolutely predict how every game will turn out**, so you might as well leave the TV off unless your team wins it all. Sorry Kansas fans..... I wouldn't watch the ending. It's either my bracket or THIS METHOD.

* By fail proof, I mean that I'll miss half of the first round winners.

** By predicting how every game will turn out, I really mean for you to never listen to my picks if money is involved. You'd be better off tossing your cash into a blender to see if it busts up into quarters.

Operator: Yes Sir, I have a collect call from "Mark Gottfried" for "Uncle Mikey!"

Mike: *sigh* I'll accept the charge Operator

[CLICK]

Mark G: Hey! Thanks for picking up Uncle Mike!

Mike: How'd you get this number? It's not listed for a reason, Mark.

Mark: Oh come on Uncle Mike. You know dad can't keep secrets forever.

Mike: Dang that Joe Gottfried. *shakes fist in a mild rage* So I hear you were stalking some blogger.

Mark: Oh that? Don't worry about that. I just do that to keep the fan base in tact long enough for me to grab the Indiana job once they get desperate.

Mike: You wish

Mark: Ok...... Cleveland State

Mike: Mark, why don't you just tell me why you called. Corso's coming soon and he wants me to get a spray on tan before our trip.

Mark: Well.... things are rough around here in Tuscaloosa. I'm in my 10th year on the job, yet I've only had 3 winning seasons in conference play and am sitting near .500 against SEC opponents. Half the town either wants me gone, or hates me, but is too cheap to fire me. What should I do?

Mike: Well.... there are only one or two things you can do at this point. First, you have to start coaching in ways you've never done before. I'm talking about using every single second of a game to communicate with your players, work harder at breaking down film, allowing your assistants to grow with you, and so forth.

Mark: A bit unconventional, but it's worth a shot.

Mike: Son, you're denser than Mercury sometimes.

Mark: I'm not sure I follow.

Mike: You never have. But secondly, you need to let go of an assistant or two. Promoting Kobe Baker was not the smartest decision Mark, and you know it. Oh, and you need to make sure everyone around your program knows that one injured player hurts, but it isn't the end of the world. That Steele fella was out of action over the summer, so you certainly had plenty of time to work around it.

Mark: Ok, coach better, and fire Kobe. Thanks Uncle Mike!

Mike: Wait Mark, don't forget about the injury talk....

[CLICK]

Mike: Dang that boy.

Lee Corso: Hey Mike! It's time to leave for our road trip. We're touring the spring games, remember?! Oh, and I picked up a hitchhiker along the way. Hope that's ok with you.

Chigurh: Got enough room for my air tank?

Mike: This will not end well.

Once again, Alabama basketball failed to deliver on the road, resulting a lovely 4-10 SEC record for our Crimson Tide. I would say I'm angry, but my emotions regarding basketball are all but dead inside this shell of a blogger.

*knock knock!*

Oh great.....

Mark..... have a seat. *rubs eyes in stress relieving manner*. Look, we've had some amazing times together: the Elite Eight, Pettway's layup against Florida, 7 in a row verses Auburn. But those things are in the past, as is your less than stellar SEC record and road record.

I'm not saying I never want to hang out again, I'm just saying that the days of Mark Gottfried wooing me with a simple 10-6 record in SEC play are no more. Besides, I've found myself a coach for the spring that has electricity oozing from his pores.

Who? Who is this "magical" coach of your's?

Well, it's..... what's that noise?

*a slow rumble turns into a loud rush*

Crowd: WE WANT SABAN! WE WANT SABAN!

Yes Mark.... I'm a Sabanite now, always have been ever since he got to Tuscaloosa. But don't get down, because I still want you around for at least another year or so.

We all still want a successful Basketball program. I want Alabama to be the top dog in the SEC, and your program plays a vital role in this goal. So don't give up Mark, we're just going to have to take a break from each other so you can finally realize that you need to do something different in order to turn this ship around.

Uh huh.... I see what's going on here. You let Steele get to you. I can see it all clearly now, everyone has turned on me thanks to Steele. You won't get the best of ole Mark, Ronald! I know you had something to do with that clock malfunction, and I'll prove it!

Fine, do whatever you want Mark. I'm tired of your crap.

MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!

TO BE CONTINUED......?

I've decided it might be in my best interest to get some advertising going so I can make $13 per year off of this thing. But don't worry, I won't clutter up the site with banner after banner (you'd be surprised how many e-mails I get about that actually). Instead, I've decided to follow the lead of "30 Rock" on NBC:

Your future blog posts will probably resemble the following:

So I finally decided to check out a basketball game before the season ended. The results were about the same, but Mark Gottfried was looking mighty fly in his Hugo Boss, an outfit of class and quality. Dejected, I called a few friends on my Samsung cellular phone, hoping to meet the at the local Pizza Hut for a deep-dish with extra cheese. But, I decided I was too tired for that, and really just wanted to call it a night with my new Simmons Beauty Rest matress.

Yet while I was driving in my Toyota Camry, I got to hear Coach Gottfried's post-game show on the radio. I know I haven't been the biggest Gottfried fan of them all, but he really did make some interesting points: "We've been working hard, I promise you we have. Ronald has been working out, we've been drinking our Propel Fitness Water, the boys relax by playing on the X-box in the locker room, and I've been eating plenty of Bryan hot dogs in order to stay focused on our goals. We'll get there soon, I promise you. Oh, and one more thing *cough cough* NIKE NIKE NIKE NIKE NIKE NIKE NIKE!" He really sold me at the end.

Hey, it's either that or strategically placed spoofs for our corporate overlords.

Note: This post isn't true, nor is it meant to knock the fine bloggers out there that do have ads on their sites.

I'm still no longer paying attention to Alabama basketball. But wait! Something arrived via the USPS.

It's a great act of kindness from somebody, but the question is who?

Wait, who's that at the door?

While I do love the taste of pork, I am a bit confused Coach. You've told me that you'd give your all in making this a championship program, but your work this year has caused me to start doubting you.

I promise you that it's not my fault. In fact, we better not discuss this or else "HE" could show up....

Oh no! It appears that Coach Gottfried wasn't lying..... it IS all Ronald Steele's fault!

I told you Druid, it isn't my fault. But don't worry, I'll do what I can to keep him from hurting this team against Ole Miss next weekend! The Arkansas game was a step in the right direction, and with next year's class, we'll be back in the thick of things. Roll Tide!

To Be Continued.....

This is Alabama basketball..... (click tumbnail to view)

Yes, Tuberville is lounging because it was so pathetic.

This is Tide Druid (me) no longer caring about Alabama basketball for the rest of the year....

Anyway, I plan to run for da office of Governor of Alabama in the year 2014. My home needs me..... no, not Arizona, the proud state of Alabama! So what if I turned my back on my home state ever since I joined the NBA? I'm coming back to save all you ignorant hicks aren't I?! I'm NBA royalty, and I have the fire and will power needed to make Alabama great!

Fine, fine, fine. If you want me to offer up a few more issues about my path towards the 2014 Gubernatorial race, then listen to my 3 point presentation of points:

Point #1: I can throw down with the best of 'em

Those pansies that run the other states don't know how real politics need to be worked out. But the folks in the Alabama state government sure do know how to work things out Sir Charles style. Take Charles Bishop as an example:

That's what I'm talking about guys! A political debate should be all about emotion and letting that other guy know where you stand. If they don't like you, tough nuts! They'll have to answer to the largest governor since Big Jim Folsom (what kinda a redneck white dude name is that?!). I might not have the knees required for a fight, but I've got size baby.

Point #2: I know how to appeal to the key demographics of the voting public

This is all you need to know:

Christians are turrible. They so turrible, they ridiculous. Not real Christians, but those fakes ones called the evangelical Christians who vote Republican. You now, the ones that pray, attend church regularly, don't gamble, go to Bible study, etc. They the ones messing up the state of Alabama. I can't wait to keep the conservative Christians out of the Alabama political game, because goodness knows they are only a small part of the voting block.

Point #3: It's all about the childrens

Those childrens are our future. They can hardly tie their own shoes, much less read. With my helps, your children will grow up to be the people you want them to be. No, not overweight loudmouths, but productive members of the American work force (overweight loudmouths with union power!). I promise you I will do what is necessary to prove myself to be a positive influence on your kids. After all, I'm the perfect role model as a with the policy I bring to the table as a potential Democratic nominee: we raise em so you don't have to. I've believed in this policy my entire life.

So vote for Barkley in 2014. I promise you this won't be like 2006 or 2010, where I talked a big game, but ultimately backed down. How can you be sure of this? Well.... you can't. But I'm Charles Barkley, and I think I might want to possibly be your Governor. Peace!

--

Lunch time in the Mal. M. Moore Athletic Building (the MMM house). Sitting at a table in the corner is one Coach Mark Gottfried with a turkey on wheat and a Diet Coke. His assistant coaches sit across from him.

M. Gottfried: Mmm, that's a tasty sandwich because it is so healthy, but satisfying at the same time. *sips his drink* Ok boys, tell me what you saw on the tape from the Mississippi State loss.

Assistants: Well...... the Bulldogs had a field day from the 3-point line. They shot 46%, while we shot a measly 14%.

M. Gottfried: Uh huh. Just tell me something good.

Assistants: Well, Richard Hendrix scored 21 points.

M. Gottfried: There ya go! That's my super effective UCLA high post offense at work.

Assistants: Wasn't John Wooden the one to design it?

M. Gottfried: Well ya see.... I coached at UCLA and won a national championship with that great offense, just like Wooden. Therefore, I basically own it as much as that long eared mummy.

Assistants: But you were an assistant like us, and Wooden is the most successful coach in the history of basketball! Besides, the rest of the team only scored 35 points with this offense.

M. Gottfried: *starts to get flustered* Well....... see..... it's because we don't have Ron Steele, that's why! If we had ole Ronny, I'm sure we would've scored in the 60's at least. *shakes head approvingly* Yep, he's my "secret weapon"

Assistants: ..... that everyone knows about.

M. Gottfried: What's that? *assistants sit silent* .....Regardless, he's our foundation.

Enters Sarah Patterson with her husband David Patterson

M. Gottfried: Oh, hey Sarah! How’s it going?

S. Patterson: Hey Mark, I’m doing fine. How are you?

M. Gottfried: About as well as I can with a non-football related program at the Capstone. It’s just so tough to have a consistently successful program when all people will ever show up for is football.

S. Patterson: Uh… I guess so. Could you hold on a minute Mark? *turns to husband* David, I need you to call the trophy case salesman for me. Tell him I wanted the one that could hold the largest amount of weight possible. Make sure he can hold the girl’s Olympic medals too. *turns back to Mark* I’m sorry Mark, what were you saying?

M. Gottfried: *mumbles* nothing…..

A rumbling sound suddenly arises

M. Gottfried: Oh shove my face in a beehive, it's.... it's.....

NICK SABAN!

Saban fans: OMG!!!!1!!! WE WANT SABAN! WE WANT SABAN!

Saban wipes brow with handkerchief and tosses it into crowd. They become fiercely rabid running down the "lucky" recipient of Saban's musk.

N. Saban: That should keep them out of my hair for about 15 minutes..... how's it hanging Gottfried?

M. Gottfried: Well I'm glad you asked that Nick. Things could be better, but I can't....

JPDub: Hey Coach! I brought my Lunchable so we could studying the game together over lunch!

N. Saban: *hops up* There's my boy! Hey John, are you thirsty?

JPDub: Yeah, I am a little parched. It's a long way here from the main campus area.

*blows on dog whistle* N. Saban: McElroy!!!!!!

McBackup: What!?

N. Saban: Get JP some water. None of that "tap" garbage, he needs Fiji or Dasani!

McBackup: Fine! But I was promised some garbage time this season, and all I got were some lousy minutes against WCU.

N. Saban: Go you Texas cow pie!

McBackup: Fine, but I'm only getting the bottle that has been in the fridge for 2 minute so it can still be room temp! BWAHAHAHAHA!

N. Saban: Rush Propst's illegitimate QB and I are going back upstairs to join the other coaches. We'll catch you later if you can make it past that crowd. They might smell my sent on you. *Saban and Wilson leave*

The Pattersons: See ya Mark!

Sarah and David leave

M. Gottfried: Well, I guess this lunch meeting has been productive enough. We probably need to start our Auburn game plan.

a loud rumble comes from nowhere

M. Gottfried: Oh come on! How often does Saban come over here?! Wait...... I don't hear any screaming fans..... could it be? It is!

JOE KINES! RUN! *Gottfried and staff scatter*

Joe-verfield: RWARGH!!!!!! WHERE'S MY TROUT LUNCH!?

--

A BRIEF SATIRE OF HOWARD BEALE’S MONOLOGUE FROM THE MOVIE “NETWORK” (LINK)

I don’t have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It’s depressing. Everybody’s stressed over the 0-4 debacle or wondering where the Athletic Director is in all of this basketball drama. One million dollars buy a nickel’s work, the fans are looking somewhat empty inside, only Gee and Richard Hendrix can score. Opponents are running wild on the court and there’s nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do, and there’s no end to it. We sit watching our TV’s while some local sports anchor tells us that today we had a 44.1 shooting percentage and were out rebounded by a team with lesser depth, as if that’s the way it’s supposed to be. We know things are bad - worse than bad. They’re crazy.

It’s like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we don’t go out to the games anymore. We sit in the house, and slowly the sports world we are living in is getting smaller, and all we say is, ‘Please, at least let us have something worth watching in our living rooms. Let me have my surround sound and my high def TV and my universal remote control and I won’t say anything. Just leave us alone and win 8 or 9 SEC games!’ Well, I’m not gonna leave you alone. I want you to get mad! I don’t want you to protest or scream about firing the coach. I don’t want you to riot- I don’t want you to write to your Athletic Director because I wouldn’t know what to tell you to write. I don’t know what to do about the lack of intensity and the poor shooting and the spotty defense and the crime that is an Alabama basketball game nowadays. All I know is that first you’ve got to get mad.

[shouting] You’ve got to say, ‘I’m an ALABAMA FAN, Gosh darnit! My university has VALUE!’ So I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and call the Finebaum show. Call him, and stick your phones to your ears, and yell, ‘I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!’ I want you to get up right now, sit up, go to your laptops, open them and type this in all caps on a message board as if you’re yelling - ‘I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!’

Things have got to change. But first, you’ve gotta get mad!… You’ve got to say, ‘I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!’ Then we’ll figure out what to do about the intensity and the poor shooting and the spotty defense and the total absence of a scripted play. But first get up out of your chairs, open the window, stick your head out, and yell, and say it:

[screaming at the top of his lungs] “I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!”

I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It's depressing. Everybody's stressed over the Clemson debacle or scared of losing to lesser teams. One million dollars buy a nickel's work, the fans are looking somewhat empty inside, only Gee and Hendrix are able to score. Opponents are running wild on the court and there's nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do, and there's no end to it. We sit watching our TV's while some local sports anchor tells us that today we had a 44.1 shooting percentage and were out rebounded by an undeveloped team, as if that's the way it's supposed to be. We know things are bad - worse than bad. They're crazy.

It's like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we don't go out to the games anymore. We sit in the house, and slowly the sports world we are living in is getting smaller, and all we say is, 'Please, at least let us have something worth watching in our living rooms. Let me have my surround sound and my high def TV and my universal remote control and I won't say anything. Just leave us alone and win 8 or 9 SEC games!' Well, I'm not gonna leave you alone. I want you to get mad! I don't want you to protest or scream about firing the coach. I don't want you to riot- I don't want you to write to your Athletic Director because I wouldn't know what to tell you to write. I don't know what to do about the lack of intensity and the poor shooting and the spotty defense and the crime that is an Alabama basketball game nowadays. All I know is that first you've got to get mad.

[shouting] You've got to say, 'I'm an ALABAMA FAN, Gosh darnit! My university has VALUE!' So I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and call the Finebaum show. Call him, and stick your phones to your ears, and yell, 'I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!' I want you to get up right now, sit up, go to your laptops, open them and type this in all caps on a message board as if you're yelling - 'I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!'

Things have got to change. But first, you've gotta get mad!... You've got to say, 'I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!' Then we'll figure out what to do about the intensity and the poor shooting and the spotty defense and the total absence of a scripted play. But first get up out of your chairs, open the window, stick your head out, and yell, and say it:

[screaming at the top of his lungs] "I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"

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Please remember that this is a satire. I'm not THAT angry....yet

I'm only 22, but I'm already starting to get confused by what the new trends are. This causes me to become very unhappy, which is followed by me comparing it to how I used to do it during "my day", where frightful snow storms randomly attacked school children sent to fetch the newspaper for Ma and Pa. But, I usually go find something on the History Channel to calm me down (I can't get enough of Shiloh), where I eventually fall asleep on the couch dreaming of what to do with the next blasted Frisbee that lands in my back yard (I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING LITTLE JIMMY! AND LET ME TELL YOU, THE NEXT ONE IS GOING TO BE SHOVED DOWN A WOOD CHIPPER ALA 'FARGO'!). But I digress.....

See if you can count how many hip bumps are in this video. I recommend you ignore the horrible background music. I would count the hip bumps myself, but a special about 19th century clipper ships is about to come on (I also cannot get enough of outdated modes of transportation).

So the team did make it in time to practice in Shreveport for the Independence Bowl match-up against Colorado. Only 4 players were late, but that was through no fault of their own. After that evening of practice, I feel comfortable in claiming that we have the coach with the best rhythm in the SEC (or at least the best at watching his wife dance, and following). I feel comfortable in this statement since Coach O was fired recently. That crazy Cajun danced like he coached: wild, loose, and care free.

Yes, I know that Fulmer has a history of dancing as well. But, I really don't count dancing with a horse pulling a carriage. BTW, here is the original post of this YouTube video on The Rap Sheet.

As I mentioned above, it was taken down. I don't see the harm in having a video like this, other than a few bloggers getting a chuckle or two. It shows me a few things: 1) Saban can have fun. 2) He is connecting with his players, you saw how he started getting into it towards the end when his players started cheering him on. 3) Recruits gotta respect a guy who could beat them at Dance Dance Revolution. Besides most Alabama fans are eating this up, much like we do with whatever Saban still does. Sure, the honeymoon might technically be over, but we're still nowhere near any post-honeymoon blues.

(HT: EDSBS, The Rap Sheet)

The biggest one in the state of Alabama involves the Auburn offensive coordinator position after Al Borges "resigned" (WSFA-Montgomery) less than a week after Tuberville claimed his contract negotiation was all about job security for assistants. It was widely known that Auburn was interested in Tony Franklin, the OC for Troy University. Well, it didn't take long for that rumor to become fact as Auburn officially announced Franklin as the new OC (WSFA-Montgomery) Wednesday afternoon. Franklin is known for his involvement in the Spread offense revolution. He's been teaching it to many different high schools across the country, and is very, very good friends with Rush Propst, the former Hoover High football coach. Currently, the defenses of CFB have yet to catch on, but I imagine they eventually will, as they always do.

So, Tuberville is ready to make a major change in his offensive philosophy. If I remember correctly, Borges was more of a West Coast offensive guru, but ended up playing a lot of the I-formation towards the end of his tenure at Auburn, which is in the realm of Tommy's comfort zone. I know Tuberville will let Franklin do his thing, but he needs to let Franklin continue to use his style if Auburn is to make long-term improvements. They aren't exactly set in every position for the Spread, but I imagine they will in a year or two.

I really like this hire, even if you can just attend his seminar to learn his offense (LINK). The guy knows his football, and should eventually have the Auburn offense in high gear. He has SEC experience at Kentucky, and Troy is a top 20 offense right now. It should be an interesting Chick-Fil-A Bowl.

In Oxford, Ole Miss head coach Houston Nutt has hired Tyrone Nix of South Carolina as his Defensive Coordinator (USA Today). While Nix has gotten love as a possible head coaching candidate, I am not sold on him as a DC. The Gamecock fans seemed really unhappy with their run defense, such as the game against Houston Nutt and Arkansas. I'm shocked Nutt can't remember that night. Our friend Cock'N'Fire at Garnet and Black Attack was expecting Nix to be canned by Spurrier, so I'm sure Gamecock fans aren't too sad to see him leave.

Who will Steve Spurrier hire to replace the weathered Nix? Rumor has it, and I am not making this up..... Ed Orgeron wants the job (GreenvilleOnline.com). WOOO! Could King Hummer return to the SEC as soon as he left it? I sure hope so. Can you imagine the mixture of Spurrier and Orgeron in Columbia? I sure can. It would be a clash of the titans (personality wise at least):

Spurrier: Well Ed, it sure is great to have you in Columbia. Why don't you address the players?

Orgeron: Tankya Stepfh (slowly reaches for bifocals in shirt pocket). DaCoachO's back fromhalong sobattticah! Da rebbah done madeah mistake! DaCoachO gonna lurnya sommadat goodowwfashunned footbaw!

Spurrier: Woah there big guy. Why don't we take it down a notch? I think you just make Chris Smelley wet his pants. I'm not sure talking like a rabid baboon is going to make them play any harder.

Orgeron: Knawnsense! DaCoachO gonna takeussatodah nexlevelboi!

Somewhere in there he will challenge Shane Beamer to a thumb war, only to end up causing a dislocated finger for the poor Special Teams expert. But seriously, Orgeron would make a good recruiter for Spurrier, and we all know the Gamecocks could use a little bit more talent on defense.

Be thankful for Tommy Tuberville Auburn fans. No, he may not be giving you very much comfort with his contract games, but he has protected this great game. What makes hims a great protector? Well, not every man can wrestle down the grizzly bear that is Hugh Nall and still keep a single hair from moving on his head. He saved Glenn Dorsey from a second sneak attack, allowing LSU to reach the BCS title game. I'm shocked he still has enough energy to offer up an "I concur" when discussing his contract in New York City.

Once he gets the proper amount of rest needed to recover from a Nall cage match, I'm sure he will come out and publicly announce his love for Auburn University.... or when Tommy Bowden gets the Arkansas job. Either way, he has saved us all from a national tragedy of epic proportions. Believe me, as a fan of the school that employs Nick Saban, we're all properly educated on how to mix together football and national tragedies.

(HT: The Birmingham News)