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Know Thyself Better Via the Enneagram

swayambu — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 19:16:28 +0000

THE ENNEAGRAM -- Know Thyself

"Know Thyself" (Gnothi Seauton) were the words that greeted all comers to the Oracle of Apollo at Delphi. I first learned of this sage counsel through the writings of Plato, as quoted by Socrates (I was a phil. major in college). Socrates also famously said, "The unexamined life is not worth living" (Greek: "ho de anexetastos bios ou biôtos anthrôpôi", which more closely translates as 'The unexamining life is not worth living for a human being'). In Latin, the dictum "Know Thyself" is "nosce te ipsum," and in Sanskrit it is "atmanam vidhi," which is perhaps more accurately translated as Know Thy/The Self.

What's the difference between "Know Thyself" and "Know Thy Self"? Maybe there is no difference, if you think that the more you know yourself, your soul, the more you know God (Self, Brahman). But if "self" just means your little ego personality, then there is a big difference. While it may be useful to better understand your personality, temperament, inclinations and idiosyncrasies, this won't necessarily bring you wisdom and understanding. On the other hand, it could if you delved deeply enough into the question of "Why do I have this particular personality?" The Yoga Sutras tell us as much.

So that's a long-winded intro. to this next topic, which is the Enneagram, arguably the greatest personality assessment device known to humanity at this time. I'm going to provide you with a few resources to learn more about the Enneagram, but before you look into the "Nine Types" (one translation of "Enneagram"), I would suggest you first take an Enneagram test, and there are a number of them out there. The best seems to be the Stanford Enneagram Test, which you can find
here:

http://www.enneagramworldwide.com/determine-your-type/index.php
And that's also a good website on the subject.

You also might want to read the following wiki article on the subject:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enneagram_of_Personality

As well as to watch the following video:

After you do all that, if you're interested, you can read the following about where I fit into it (or rather, what my personality tendencies have been, because as I learn more about myself, and as I evolve, I begin to transcend my type, just as when I learn more about my astrology chart, I have
a tool to help me move beyond my chart).

The Enneagram -- The Fourth

According to the Stanford Enneagram tet, I am a "four," which is the "Romantic individualist," or as I prefer, "Depth Seeker." You can see the connection between the four and the three as the three is the actor, and for the four there is certainly a lot of drama, I can tell you. According to the Enneagram cognoscenti, there are three different kinds of fours. Although I had aspects of all of these, I have tended more towards the "Self-Preservation Four," which in my case means that from as far back as I can remember, I was always obsessed with preserving my physical body, and I do mean obsessed. As a teenager, I was borderline anorexic, gradually stopped eating all meat, began reading food labels fanatically, hated with a passion alcohol, drugs, and smoking, etc. Once when I saw that I was getting some "love handles," I was freaked out. I basically never wanted my physical body to become old, fat, or anything other than young and beautiful (like a lot of people in our culture, of course, but not everyone goes to the lengths that I did).

So I early on found a kind of salvation in physical fitness, particularly distance running, which I thought would build my body, and it did to a certain extent, but I trained so intensely that I actually ended up looking more like a hungry wraith, and do to this day. And running was hard for me because I pushed myself so mercilessly at it, both to exorcise my demons, and also in pursuit of achievement/excellence. You can also understand what someone like me would see in yoga: A proven method to attain perfect health, vitality, longevity, and perhaps even immortality (what did I know?) Not that this was the only draw for me, because there were others, too, such as communion with God (or any mystical experience whatsoever!), and in particular a desire to re-experience what I now believe was a spontaneous kundalini awakening I had when I was 19 (more on this later).

Even writing this "Song of Myself" is an obvious "four" undertaking. One of my favorite "fours" is Walt Whitman, who I first really encountered and read in Grad School, not long before getting into yoga. Whitman is a classic four in the sense that he glorified the individual soul and wrote in such a free-styled, free-wheeling way (for his time). Needless to say, I just ate that stuff up, it was quite similar to what I had already been writing in my journals for years. Yes, I was a journal junkie. For years, I scribbled anything and everything in my notebooks -- poems, memories, dreams, reflections...

So writing this blog/book was almost inevitable, you might say, given my personality, but actually for a long time I resisted it. Mainly because, being a "self-prez four," I would never want others prying into my life. Maybe after I was dead, but not actually during my life. And there was also the sense that my story can't really be told, and telling it would do it an injustice, and most people aren't really interested in deep thoughts or profundities anyway, but really only care about surfacey stuff like your sex life and fecal matters. So why would I want to "throw pearls before swine" (you, swine, you) and risk being misunderstood, let alone being in the public eye? I don't have clear answers to these questions, but I can say this: No one can really give a full accounting of their life, but given my Fourness and years of expository writing in journals, I can at least make a fair start. This is a Four's forte, you might say, because of the Four's romantic tendency toward revelation...

And now that I have decided to embark on this journey, being a Four, you should feel secure in knowing that what you will be reading here will be the pure, unadulterated truth -- as I see it, and remember it. Because Fours also have a tendency to be painfully honest, sometimes saying things which others would think are better left unsaid, but fours, being "depth seekers" tend to want to plumb the very bowels of the psyche.

Famous Fours

Three with Four Wing (3w4) - The Professional Truman Capote Jimmy Carter Dick Cavett Tom Cruise Richard Gere Bryant Gumbel "Iago" W. Somerset Maugham George Stephanopoulos Sting Meryl Streep Barbra Streisand Michael Tilson Thomas Andy Warhol

Four with Three Wing (4w3) - The Aristocrat Maria Callas Albert Camus Frederick Chopin "Blanche DuBois" Judy Garland Martha Graham Jeremy Irons E.M. Forster Michael Jackson Gustav Mahler Rudolf Nureyev Edith Piaf The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Marcel Proust Don Richard Riso (creator of this list) Paul Simon Peter Tchaikovsky Walt Whitman Tennessee Williams

Four with Five Wing (4w5) - The Bohemian Ingmar Bergman William Blake Cory Caplinger (me, of course!) Johnny Depp Bob Dylan Hermann Hesse Soren Kierkegaard D.H. Law`rence Yukio Mishima Joni Mitchell Edgar Allan Poe Anne Rice J.D. Salinger Saul Steinberg "Laura Wingfield" Virginia Woolf

Five with a Four Wing : This is my own personal take on someone whose books I am currently reading: Daniel Pinchbeck. I would say he's basically a five because he began as an intellectual, and has a tendency to introversion and investigation. But he has a four wing because he was seeking depth, and also because he, too, took the four route of personal revelation via expository writing. (And by the way, I would highly recommend you read his books, "Breaking Open the Head," and "2012.")

Also, I believe Yogananda would have been considered a 4 type, at least in his youth, due to his
deep desire for awakening, but also his romantic idealism and individualism. Perhaps many of the great Bhaktas (Divine Lovers) like Yogananda tended more to the 4 type. But again, a great master
like Yogananda would have transcended identification/categorization into any one type.

Final word on the Enneagram: It can be a useful tool, but don't get too caught up in it: It alone will probably not bring you to that Gnostic Knowing of Thy Self to which you deep down truly aspire.

It all started with a book.

syncreticmystic — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 01:22:37 +0000

One question I periodically get is likely well known to anyone who's open about being Pagan.
"How did you become a Pagan?"

That question is somewhat loaded for me. The short answer is that I came to wanting a connection with the Gods based on practicing magic for about a year. That year will likely never be documented in full detail, because while it was pivotal to me becoming who I am today, it also included so many incredible and rather unbelievable events that to share it would open up to far too many statements of impossibility. Or worse, someone would buy me a white jacket that would let me hug myself all day long.

Let me tell you instead how I got to that year. To give you some background, I will give you an image of the person I was as a teenager. Insecure, timid, gawky, trying desperately to fit in so I'd have some friends and not be picked on daily, but still too "weird" (myself) to fit in. I kept trying though, desperately looking for that solution. One of my hopeful solutions came through reading Seventeen magazine. My mother got me a subscription that started around my 17th birthday, the summer of 1991. In one of those issues, there was an ad for a book triology due to come out in the fall. There was... something about this book. I just saw its cover and a little blurb in the 1/3 page ad, but I knew I had to read it. In September I found the second book first in a little Waldenbooks at the downtown mall. I started with that book, but jumping in at the middle of the story I could already see how much I had missed. So I waited and soon the store had in the first book. I devoured the trilogy that fall, weeping silently at the end of the third book.

The story wouldn't leave my mind. Nor would the sensations it gave me. I know now it was my intuition waking up, plus the writing style sparked something in my brain. My yearning for occult, supernatural and esoteric material was born, knowing and believing there was something to it. Something more to reality. So I started looking, and I started finding.

Those of you who know me well probably know what I am referencing. Those of you who do not may be shocked to find out what this series is, which incidentally has been re-released.

Give up?

It's The Vampire Diaries.

Some of you may scoff and wonder how some young adult supernatural romance could have been the launching point of my occult career. If you do, go read the series. It's stood up to the test of time.

Since that quartet of books came out (Dark Reunion came out around May 1992, I found it in June, and a month later reality did a complete 180 on me), I've read every word that L.J. Smith has written. Night of the Solstice, Heart of Valor, Secret Circle (Cassie is disturbingly like me), Forbidden Game, Dark Visions, and Night World, which is in the process of being re-released. It was rereading the first Night World book, Secret Vampire, last week that inspired me to post this. Had I not paid attention to that inner prompting so long ago, I know I would not be the person I am now. I'm quite excited that L.J. is writing again; the promise of a conclusion to the Night World series, and new Vampire Diaries books focusing on Damon fill me with joy. I look forward to again immersing myself in a world where vampires are very real, witches are undeniable in being Other, and love will not be denied.

Thank you L.J. Smith. You changed my life and I can never thank you enough for it.

Nothing can happen to me - Who am I?

Ravi Chhabra — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 16:52:15 +0000

Nothing can happen to me - Who am I?

I cannot be cut, burned, or drowned - Who am I?

I am not affected by anything, anybody, or any change - Who am I?

Marginalia, no.16

Ian Woolcott — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 21:25:22 +0000

We carry with us the wonders we seek without us: There is all Africa, and her prodigies in us; we are that bold and adventurous piece of nature, which he that studies, wisely learns in a compendium, what others labour at in a divided piece and endless volume.

~ Thomas Browne, Religio Medici

[Gnwqi sauton. I appreciate the encouragement, not feeling like such a “bold and adventurous piece of nature” today. But even this sort of listlessness is catalogued in the encyclopedic self. Africa, by the map, is no stranger to the jungles of vexation or the numbing dune sea of ennui.]

all things grey

klooj — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 09:59:56 +0000

It was grey and drizzling when the plane landed. Coming back after a trip to California, I was reminded once again that I was back in Edinburgh. If there is one color that I would associate with this place, it's grey. The sun does shine brilliantly at times but the majority of the times, it remains a very contemplative grey. I have gotten used to it by now. It no longer surprises me that a perfectly sunny day can turn into a wet, drizzly day. But I still notice it somehow.

I do love the color grey. It is one of my favorite colors and I used to and still own more than one piece of clothing in this color although it is not exactly a color commonly associated with girls. I now prefer green and brown a bit more but grey is still my preferred color for a suit or formal wear. It's not the standard, I know, but I try to get away with it as much as I can.

The other reason I was reminded of the color grey was because I was in one more of my contemplative moods the other day. The month of May tends to put me in that sort of mood as I turn a year older and complete one more year as a married woman each May. Each year as I grow more and more grateful for my immediate and extended family and the friends I/we have, I also usually end up wondering if I have grown or matured or changed in any way.

The one thing I have been noticing is that as I grow older, things are not so black and white anymore. Most things are a shade of grey, somewhere in between. There are some absolutely wrong things such as harming children or the weak. But for most other issues such as success, morality or what is acceptable, I now realize that it is different strokes for different folks. I am no longer as judgmental as I used to be. I try not to classify people as readily as I once did. I haven't attained nirvana or any such thing, not even remotely close, but I am willing to give people a chance much more that I ever did (which is probably not saying much given how big a know-it-all I once was :)).

Another thing I realize is that the older I get, the more there is to know about so many more things. Isn't this a shrinking world? If so, should I not know more instead of less? Maybe it is only my grey matter that is shrinking.

What You Don't Do

thearrow — Thu, 29 May 2008 17:17:45 +0000

I've come to believe that what you don't do is just as important as what you do. It kind of goes without saying that people who express their opinions or discontent are more likely to make enemies than those who don't, but act their way quietly. It makes sense that we react to what we see, but we should be paying equal attention to what others don't do or say. Those non-actions can be just as damaging or constructive as saying or doing something. How people react or don't in certain situations is very telling. If someone is being abused and you witness it but don't take any attitude, or if someone is provoking you but you choose to respond with calm and not lose your temper. Or if someone never acknowledges that you're already working on something when they ask you to do something else (like, you guessed it, my boss), or always being upbeat, even when you're down.

What I'm saying is there are patterns to what we don't do and we're better off if we try to spot those as well, in our own behavior and others'. These patterns of absent behavior can give us a more complete picture of how someone is like.

I think I'm defined by what I don't do/say to a greater extent than others might realize and I've noticed it's a problem because people sometimes wrongly assume certain things about me. I don't have concrete examples in mind right now and I don't think details really matter that much. But I noticed how in my relationships I've had a hard time explaining stuff that wasn't obvious, that the other person had to notice but didn't. Everyone is somewhere on this action-inaction continuum, but some people manifest themselves less than others. To avoid misunderstandings, those of us who are like this probably need to explain ourselves more, turn inaction into words, so that it does get expressed in some way. Something like, I'm not sure you noticed, but I don't <insert inaction stuff here>. I think it's important to create a map of yourself, like a user guide :).

I've always had a problem with setting boundaries, so that's how I started thinking about this. Not only I loathe conflicts and confrontations, but I seem to have a lot of invisible behaviors, which makes everything even more complicated.

now what?

Angel — Wed, 21 May 2008 06:49:26 +0000

You are tending to pursue your objectives with concentrated intensity and it would seem that whatever obstacles may come into your path, you will stick to your guns and will not allow yourself to be deflected from your purpose. You are striving to achieve recognition and what is more - you deserve it.

Rejection is what you fear the most and it is this fear that makes you unapproachable. You are looking for acknowledgement and above all looking for people who can appreciate you for who and what you are.

Matters are not progressing as well as you would have hoped and you are having to make concessions - but you still believe that your goals are realistic it's just that people can't seem to see your point of view. You know what you want but you'll only accept suggestions under duress.

You feel that nobody really appreciates you and this is causing you considerable stress. You feel that you have to sublimate your emotions and this is depressing you no end. You feel that the only way you can resolve this untenable situation is to get away from it all and re-establish your own individuality. Co-operation is very important in your life, but this has not been forthcoming from anyone. No-one seems to care and it is because of this situation that you are finding it increasingly more difficult to let yourself go and as a result you are becoming more and more isolated and even, to some extent, introverted. You are displaying a touchy and an over sensitive personality. Trying to take on the whole world doesn't help - you need to relax.

Anxiety and a restless antagonism, as a result of unfulfilled emotional needs, has resulted in considerable stress. You are trying to overcome this by working and playing extremely hard - but at all times you have your future in mind. You are a worker and as a result of your inherent enthusiasm you cannot fail.

Setting Goals. Making Time.

granthuhn — Tue, 20 May 2008 19:07:34 +0000

<link here>

Becoming Self-Actualized

granthuhn — Tue, 20 May 2008 18:18:36 +0000

<link here>
<link here>
<link here>

Leonard Cohen on Meditation.

Luke Storms — Thu, 08 May 2008 15:36:28 +0000

...You run through your top ten erotic fantasies, ambition fantasies, revenge fantasies, global ratification fantasies. You run through them all until you bore yourself to death, basically, and the faculty that produces opinions and snap judgments and unrealistic scenarios for your own prominence, after you run through them for a number of years, they cease to have charge. They bore themselves into non-existence. You see them as diversions from another kind of intimacy that you become more interested in--and that is what Socrates said: Know Thyself.

~ from Sarah Hampson's interview with Leonard Cohen in Shambhala Sun.

Who Are You?

mamasully — Tue, 06 May 2008 18:10:18 +0000

Does anyone else hear 'Who' in their head when reading that title?

"Oh! that you could turn your eyes towards the napes of your necks, and make but an interior survey of your good selves." -William Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"

I have to admit that truly trying to know myself is very difficult, and not something I enjoy at all. In times of self discovery I am tempted to focus mainly on my faults and shortcomings rather than my gifts and talents. Focus on our faults is essential to overcoming them, but we must not exclude the gifts which God has chosen to bestow on us in order that we may grow them and use them in a manner that gives glory to Almighty God.

Before we can ever truly accept and love another person, we must first understand ourselves and our own personalities. As an example, my primary fault is passion. I tend towards extremes of emotion. When excited I am fun and gregarious and contagious to other people. When angry everyone within reach or shouting distance had better watch out! Knowing this is beneficial, particularly in my relationship with Papasully. Papsully is not nearly as volatile as I am, and is a stabilizing factor in my life. Also, before marriage I was able to talk about the issues this fault in me causes in my life and make sure that he could handle that sort of wife. Fortunately Papasully has a forceful personality and has no problem telling me when I am out of line and stopping me from looking before I leap!

Knowing myself is an area that I need to spend more time on. I believe this is a life-long process, as we change and learn and grow. The person I am today is different that when I was a newlywed and different than I will be when the children leave home. Please give me your recommendations on resources.

My favorite books for getting to know yourself (and your loved ones) are “The Four Temperaments” by Fr. Conrad Hock and “The Five Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman.

“O Holy Spirit, descend plentifully into my heart. Enlighten the dark corners of this neglected dwelling and scatter there Thy cheerful beams.” -St. Augustine

Today's letter - ignorance is bliss

signab43 — Sat, 03 May 2008 08:18:59 +0000

Dear Governor Schwarzenegger -

Researchers at Hunter College, Rutgers and New York University asked gay Americans if there is a federal “nondiscrimination” law barring the firing of workers based on their sexual orientation. Only six in 10 gay Americans got the right answer (there is not.)

Pat Egan, an assistant professor of politics at New York University, pointed out that “considering this has been the top priority for advocates in Washington for the past 20 years, that is pretty astounding and disappointing,” and went on to call for more education in the Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual community.

The last time the people of California were asked if same-sex couples are as capable and worthy of choosing marriage as their opposite-sex counterparts was in 2000 with Proposition 22. Almost 60% of Californians got that wrong.

Please join me, Governor, in making sure that the people understand that there is nothing wrong with gay marriage – there is everything wrong in denying it.

Yours,

Papertrades on Think or Swim

margueron — Thu, 01 May 2008 15:00:38 +0000

Yesterday I made a few paper trades on ThinkOrSwim.com "webBAsedTrading" a phrase capitalized, programmers will note, like code in a script. This makes sense because I think you can actually go into the code at Think or Swim. They have a pretty nice paper trading function. Charts are decent, there's live CNBC should you want it, two radio stations so I guess you can hear economic indicator releases as well as earnings and so on. It's all pretty nice. I got everything going in just a few minutes, the quotes I wanted and so on. There are only two charts ever up at a time, the main screen chart and a mini side frame chart.

I closed out all of my positions this morning. Up 2.8% on a fake $100,000 account, so overall a very good trade. Five wins and one loss. The loss was in euro/usd futures. The wins were in shorting s&p 500 futures and commodities: front month silver, corn, and to a lesser extent gold.

Why did I short commodities and the dollar at the same time? I don't know. I was looking for the dollar to make a counterintuitive move ahead of the news events: non-farm payroll (employment) numbers and the Fed Committee meeting. It was a bad move. I knew it was a bad move. Another reason was that I wanted some kind of a hedge and there wasn't a way to buy options. I thought I might wiggle my way out of the trade once I knew where things seemed headed. Of course this is not a good way to trade -- to trade against yourself. But I was trying to use my intuition and trying to feel the market, with the idea that perceiving is faster than judging. When I perceive, it doesn't mean that I've come to any conclusion. Instead what I've perceived is like a new <i>in</i>clusion . Whereas when I judge, I am making a final decision. Yes or no. Otherwise I have tried to judge but I have not judged. But because so often I judge that things are not able to be judged, I need to use perception and intuition. I need to sense developments as they're just starting.

I felt that commodities would fall, that corn would fall. The hype was just so huge. Wheat had already fallen for a while, and now it was time for wheat's rebound or for corn to fall as well. People would want out before the FOMC statement, especially people who were long. Likewise for the US stock market, so I shorted the S&P.

Everything hinged on my view that the Fed FOMC minutes would mention rising commodity prices, possibly use the word inflation (whether or not a more precise definition of that term were included) and also signal that this was the last 25bp cut. This was a pre-FOMC trade, the beginning of the wait. The inconsistency I allowed in the name of hedging was one of time frames. It seems to me that I bought euro because I wanted some kind of currency exposure, and the dollar had just bounced back five cents against the euro, and with opinion sounding so strongly in the dollar's favor it seemed like there could be a snap back. But really I though that this might be after the Fed decision, so it was a trade for after the decision, and therefore it was the wrong trade for the occasion. But I held on to it. This was the real problem. I made the bad trade, I knew it was bad, but I had this "what if" in my head, and more, a repugnance toward taking a loss. So I had to take a bigger loss on my euro/usd trade, but ended up over all. (It turns out I was right.)

The problem with the euro trade wasn't so much that I made it in the first place, but that I managed it poorly, not cutting losses despite telling myself to. This lack of trading discipline has been my greatest weakness. I've found it difficult to take losses, maybe because I'm so damn sensitive.

Another problem I have is letting my good ideas be warped by actual short-term trading so that I find myself in positions that are opposite my longer view of the markets. Then if I feel stuck in a position I may be contorted into something that's opposite my market view. For example I'm now long S&P futures, and I'm down. I need 1391 to get out (near-month futures price) without a loss. I would cut but I think stocks should rise a bit after the Fed cut and some appearance of commodity price reversals, and because money coming out of housing still has to go somewhere. If the dollar appears to be bottoming this will also provide an incentive to be in US equities.

hierarchical word stack of peoples

Hermonie Williams — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 18:05:25 +0000

MOD

DIVA

JOCK

INDIE

GOTH

PUNK

B-BOY

HIPPIE

FREAK

HATER

POSER

QUEER

RAVER

VEGAN

OTAKU

GAMER

TRIBAL

YUPPIE

NUDIST

PREPPY

STONER

ROCKER

HACKER

HIPSTER

BEATNIK

NEW AGE

GREASER

SWINGER

GANGSTA

BLOGGER

REDNECK

DROPOUT

BURNOUT

RUDE BOY

SKINHEAD

BOHEMIAN

DEADHEAD

RIVETHEAD

ANARCHIST

RIOT GRRRL

METALHEAD

PSYCHEDELIC

PSYCHOBILLY

ALTERNATIVE

STRAIGHTEDGE

no cross to bear

Angel — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 16:15:39 +0000

[audio http://www.fileden.com/files/2008/4/18/1871735/Lindsey%20Harper%20-%20All%20Over%20Me.mp3]

It's coming ; i can almost feel it

soon, everything will fall into place

with nothing to lose

i found strength

i'm rebuilding, healing slowly

through the burden of time

I may not be around

but I am still here

just in a different manner

and the bottle begins to empty itself

Angel — Sun, 06 Apr 2008 23:01:28 +0000

random play

An option on facebook advertising one's willingness to engage in acts of sex, without becoming emotionally attached. While not necessarily meaning "fuck buddy". Random play does give the impression that one is open and secure with their body and sexual feelings, it also demonstrates a willingness to experiment.

Goethe.

Comrade GoGo — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 19:12:52 +0000

Quick hit quote:

"Know thyself? If I knew myself I would run away."
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

one weird dream

Angel — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 00:09:15 +0000

I had a dream. And as I dreamt, I dreamt that I was dreaming. There were four of us involved, namely 'S', 'P', me, and a weird boy. A boy that I knew was already an adult, yet had the build of a primary school kid. I vaguely recalled thinking to myself that he looked like a close friend's ex-boyfriend. In the yolk of the dream, S was there as an advisor, like it was during the same day in reality. I kept throwing questions at him at every point that uncertainty crept. Seeing myself as a third party in my own dream made me feel rather queasy; it meant that there was no way I could control the behaviours of my pathetic self. Someone who resembled me was begging from the boy (weird one) for some broiled rice, repeatedly. It seemed that, whenever she (my lookalike), ran out of porridge, she would run to this weird boy for more. And time and time again, the boy would indifferently reject several times, before giving in and handing her the bowl of piping hot congee. All that I witnessed made me turn to S and asked, 'Why's she doing that? Why's she lowering her dignity just to get that meal? And why's S ignoring me (in the egg-white layer)? What does she want from me? What am I supposed to do if she's not speaking to me at all? How would I know what was really happening if I was ignorant of the whole situation?' S looked at me sternly, and replied 'Are you really sure that you want to find out?' I knew I had nothing to lose, it was a case of, yeah, truth hurts, but I'd rather handle that than to stay an idiot. He rambled on, and *due to memory constraints, that block faded off.*

Bits and pieces: I somewhat wondered if the weird boy was 'R', someone that would cook me congee, and has always managed to be around no matter how many times my relationships failed. S told me that it was not, and advised me to look deeper other than the superficial similarities that appeared. I knew I wanted P, but the fact that she was just not letting me in, hindered me from entering her personal sphere of fumbling thoughts. There was something S and P was keeping from me- I noticed this from the accidental confrontation with P. It was frustrating, and devastating to face all these negative reactions of people around, without knowing what actually went wrong.

Oh the beauty and the sorrow...and the enneagram....

mrsmetaphor — Sun, 13 Jan 2008 13:56:03 +0000

By now you already know that I love the whole online personality test thing. While this DOES count as an online personality test, truth be told, I've actually had the full-on Enneagram test done and find that I am a flaming 4 without a doubt. I like that about me...(spoken like a 4.)