I mentioned to her that it's like I'm addicted to him and I quoted the line "It's like your drug..." and she knew exactly what I was referring to song-wise.  I haven't been talking to him for as long as I can and feel like I'm in withdrawal (and I'm trying my best but it's hard to shake your feelings).

It's been more than 48 hours since we communicated on Monday night over email.  Now, don't be too proud of me or start clapping or cheering for me like I'm some strong girl - for making it through 2 full days - because I feel like I'm ready to text him any minute.  I'm trying not to but you never know with my weak self.

So, why is it that some relationships can be directly correlated to a drug addiction, I ask myself?

I decided to read the lyrics to Kelly Clarkson's song (which I featured below) because I felt it perfectly describes the unhealthy infatuation of being addicted to someone else.

Using some of Kelly's correlations this is what I came up with...

In these crazy addictive relationship the guy is like the demon sucking the life from you, you're trying to run from him all the time (but you end up running right back to him).   He has all the power and he's like a leech that sucks the life out of you.

You have to quit him to be better but you realize how hard it is to do so and it will take so much time and will power to fight the craving.

You can't even think without him interrupting you thoughts, you can't concentrate because he is on your mind, and your sleep and dreams are interrupted by him.  Your mind has totally been taken over.

It's like your not yourself.  You have become someone else.  You're just not the "you" you've always known.

You're lost, you've given up and he's like a ghost that will haunt you and won't leave you alone.  The voices in your head are all your own telling you he's wrong for you and then you fight with yourself internally.  You tell yourself to quit him but you can't because you can't breathe, you can't eat, you can't see anything, you're addicted.

As hard as you try...your hooked on him and you fell like you need a fix of him because you just can't take it.  You figure just one more time and you'll quit, you can do it.  You can handle one more hit and then that's it because then you can get through this.

It's like he's taken over you...and it's like you're not you....

Crazy right? I think it is.  I never thought about relationships this way before.  I'm sitting here smacking myself in the head (not literally) saying that I can't believe I never realized the correlation.

It's like like or love blinds everything and you can't see the truth.  OR maybe you don't want to see the truth until you're really ready....and that is what addiction is like....

Kelly Clarkson - Addicted

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

i like to yell along ;D

in any case this is a jaejoong ~ younha coupling and its cute yay.

she sounds like kelly clarkson, real powerful, gorgeous, emotion-filled voice, the song is called "delete"

the english part is "delete my mind" it doesnt really sound like it tho, huh? sounds like "i tell in my mind"

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Our study out of Carl Beech's great book 'Spadework' was about the one out of ten lepers who came back to Jesus and actually said thank you. We noticed how they were all healed, but only the grateful one was 'whole.'

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God has done!

Don't ask me how the conversation ended up there, but we started talking about how there is something to thank God for even in the hard times, sharing about when we were boys etc. I remembered a really hard time my Mum and Dad must have been going through when I was about 11 or 12. I wanted to live at my friend Michael Holt's house because his Mum always made me cheese toasties and I was sure they never argued.

I was still at the age then when I thought desperate prayer might just work - I remember hearing their arguments downstairs and praying that God would keep them together. A little while later i gave up on prayer for years. However I am so grateful they worked at it and came through, both to them and (now as I reflect) to God. Did you read about this recent study that found divorce is often every bit as damaging to kids as it's always been?

This song started running around in my head and made me think how important a part we men play in the lives of our kids. Thanks to God and thanks to my mates here who have helped shaped me over these last years.

Listen to the song, count and then thank God for your blessings, pray for your family and mine and especially pray for marriage - so under attack in our nation, on all fronts. The prayer works!

I'm anxiously anticipating part 12 so that I may have the excuse to drunkenly scream "Since U Been Gone" at my roommate a few more times. My only question is, Where the eff is part one? Via BuzzFeed.

This song after hearing the lyrics describes my life so well.  Seeing the video was even more shocking.  Unfortunately you can only view it on Utube.  This will be added to my ipod favorites immediately.  I guess my soul needed to hear this today.

The live performance of this song is really beautiful.  It reminds you that Kelly Clarkson is a true talent.  She doesn't need mixers, or sound equipment.  The girl can sing.  No back up dancers needed, no fanfare.  Just her and a great band.  Thats it.

"Because Of You"

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

Deep throat queen Kelly Clarkson shows how she won American Idol. 

 It wasn't her singing talent!   All right stop it, I do kinda like that one song, Since You've Been Gone!

Kelly Clarkson: 5 hits from Breakaway

Daughtry: 5 hits from Daughtry

Nickelback: 5 hits from All the Right Reasons

Gwen Stefani: 5 hits from Love.Angel.Music.Baby

Justin Timberlake: 5 hits from FutureSex/LoveSounds

Daughtry is the first act to get 5 hits from a debut cd (not counting American Idol work of course). Gwen Stefani did it on her first solo cd.

I hope the ring you gave to her turns her finger green
I hope when your in bed with her, you think of me
I would never wish bad things, but I don't wish you well
Could you tell, by the flames that burned your words

I never read your letter
'Cos I knew what you'd say
Give me that Sunday school answer
Try and make it all OK

Does it hurt to know I'll never be there
Bet it sucks, to see my face everywhere
It was you, who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
You knew exactly what you would do
And don't say, you simply lost your way
She may believe you but I never will
Never again

If she really knows the truth, she deserves you
A trophy wife, oh how cute
Ignorance is bliss
But when your day comes, and he's through with you
And he'll be through with you
You'll die together but alone

You wrote me in a letter
You couldn't say it right to my face
Give me that Sunday school answer
Repent yourself away

Does it hurt to know I'll never be there
Bet it sucks, to see my face everywhere
It was you, who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
You knew exactly what you would do
And don't say, you simply lost your way
They may believe you but I never will
Never again

Never again will I hear you
Never again will I miss you
Never again will I fall to you
Never

Never again will I kiss you
Never again will I want to
Never again will I love you
Never

Does it hurt to know I'll never be there
Bet it sucks, to see my face everywhere
It was you, who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
You knew exactly what you would do
And don't say, you simply lost your way
They may believe you but I never will
I never will
I never will

Never again

Nao sabe ingles? A traduçao esta aqui ]]> http://ciarabtchfst.wordpress.com/?p=34 Wed, 02 Jul 2008 22:44:22 +0000 KiKi La Roo http://ciarabtchfst.wordpress.com/?p=34 My life is a joke...

Courtesy of ETonline.com:

The Bachelorette's Graham Assesses the Final Three Suitors

Who does he think DeAnna should choose?

"Ousted "The Bachelorette" suitor Graham Bunn is a relationship realist. Talking to reporters following his Monday night ousting from the ABC matchmaking show, he says that although he and DeAnna Pappas shared a 'special connection,' he is done associating with her, even casually.

'I don't believe that we were right for each other,' he says, adding later: 'I just don't think that it would ever be healthy for she and I to be friends.'

All or nothing: Graham explains that his inability to know with total conviction whether or not he could love DeAnna likely led to his downfall on the show. One thing he did know, for sure, was that he didn't want to mislead the bachelorette by sugar-coating his wishy-washy feelings about a committed relationship with her.

'I don't think it was a good fit for marriage,' he says. 'She wanted me to get to a place that I couldn't get to in the time-frame [we were given].'

So, with only three suitors left -- Jason, Jeremy and Jesse-- does Graham agree with fellow oustee Twilley's assessment that Jesse is the right choice for DeAnna?

'I believe Jason and Jeremy would make better partners to spend the rest of her life with,' he says, adding to those surprised by Twilley's pick that no, Jesse's finer qualities were not in fact left on the cutting room floor: 'I don't think you're missing anything in the [the show's] edit of Jesse. I think you might be missing something of the edit of DeAnna.'

'I feel, personally, that Jason offers her the best well-rounded choice and someone that can fully fulfill, you know, all her needs and wants in life.'

Graham admits that leaving the show was difficult for both him and DeAnna, but he believes that his brutal honesty about his feelings for her will guarantee them both a happier future, apart. He wishes her the best, though, regardless of who she winds up with.

'She is a wonderful person and, you know, you could do worse with me,' he says. 'I'm not the devil.'"

Bup bup bup beeeeeeeeee*FLATLINE*eeeeeeeeeep...

Vídeos de Jordin:
Tattoo
No Air (com Chris Brown)
One Step At A Time - novo single! o 3º nos EUA

All this from my morning project:  CAR WASH!  Yes, yes, the unavoidable youth group car wash.  Even though it wasn't too well advertised, boy did we do up the site nice.  We had orange cones out with chalk on the road to direct traffic through our washing stations, a hanging towel stand, and hardcore dancing teens (to Kelly Clarkson magic.)  I mean, we had it going on!

Um, so we thought.

We were nicely poaching under the morning sunlight for about an hour and a half before we had our first customer.  Then they slowly trickled in.  We did alright for a last minute fundraiser extravaganza.

But tomorrow as I wear my bright yellow shirt over red hot skin singing my solo in "The Battle Hymn of the Republic", our audience might get a bit more fireworks than they bargained for.

This episode of The Reba Show was on tonight. It features Kelly Clarkson and is one of my favorite episodes from this series. Kelly really is quite funny. There were many references to American Idol. Marcus and I usually watch this show every evening after we get off of work.

Because of you
Because of you ]]> http://bravetiger.wordpress.com/?p=89 Wed, 25 Jun 2008 02:11:16 +0000 joshuat1974 http://bravetiger.wordpress.com/?p=89

The other day I made it through my thoughts on the first 20 of Entertainment Weekly's list of the 100 Best Albums of the Last 25 Years.

Here's part two, looking at records 21 through 40.

21. The Emancipation of Mimi, Mariah Carey, 2005 (link)
I have a feeling this batch is going to be a pretty poor showing for me. I've never heard this record.

22. 3 Feet High and Rising, De La Soul, 1989 (link)
I've also never heard this record, although I printed some tshirts for a De La Soul show at Smith College once.

23. The Soft Bulletin, The Flaming Lips, 1999 (link)
Okay, this record I own. It's pretty much regarded as their best album and I think I'd have to agree, although I've only ever listened to it all the way through maybe, well, twice.

24. Come On Over, Shania Twain, 1997 (link)
I've never heard this whole record, but there was no escaping 'Man, I Feel Like a Woman!' or 'You're Still the One' during their radio-play heydays.

25. Turn On the Bright Lights, Interpol, 2002 (link)
I'm pretty sure that I have successfully not heard a single note by Interpol at this point in my life.

26. Time Out of Mind, Bob Dylan, 1997 (link)
This record is one of my favorite albums of all time and 'Not Dark Yet' is one of my favorite songs of all time. Gorgeous, haunting, beautiful, awesome.

27. Funeral, Arcade Fire, 2004 (link)
I think I did finally hear a song by Arcade Fire on the radio and I thought it was John Cafferty & The Beaver Brown Band playing an excerpt from the Eddie & The Cruisers movie.

28. Illmatic, Nas, 1994 (link)
Once again, I know nothing about Nas.

29. Breakaway, Kelly Clarkson, 2004 (link)
I figured I must have heard something off of this. When I scanned the song titles, though, nothing came to mind. The scene in 40-Year Old Virgin, though, where he's getting his chest waxed and screams out "KELLY CLARKSON!" in a fit of pain is pretty darn hilarious.

30. Appetite for Destruction, Guns N' Roses, 1987 (link)
There was no way to avoid this record when I was in 7th and 8th grade, and yet, somehow I managed to never own it. That doesn't mean I couldn't hear almost the whole thing in the hallways during free periods and lunch, though ... At the time, this music infuriated me because I could see almost no value in it. Now, all these many years later, I can sort of enjoy it for nostalgia and schlock's sake.

31. FutureSex/LoveSounds, Justin Timberlake, 2006 (link)
I only know the phrase "bringing sexy back" from pop culture references, not from ever hearing the song. I swear. My favorite Timberlake song, though, continues to be "Soup, There It Is" from the 'Give it up to Homelessville' skit on Saturday Night Live.

32. Life's Rich Pageant, R.E.M., 1985 (link)
I was a little late on the R.E.M. bandwagon, coming on in the "Out of Time" era, so as a result I never bought this record. I think that the only songs I know are 'Fall on Me' and 'Superman,' because they've been played a LOT.

33. As I Am, Alicia Keys, 2007 (link)
Alicia Keys. If she's good enough for Bob Dylan, she's good enough for me. Still, though, I can't imagine I've heard any of this record.

34. Is This It, The Strokes, 2001 (link)
I got this album from a friend. A song from it will come up on my iPod occassionally and I always hit the forward button to skip past it. I do kind of have fun with the song 'Last Night,' though.

35. Jagged Little Pill, Alanis Morissette, 1995, (link)
Another record that you simply could not avoid hearing at least some of. 'Hand in my Pocket,' 'Head Over Feet,' and 'Ironic.' The fact that so many people made fun of this album at the time and then here is on this list ... I'm sure there's an 'ironic' joke in there somewhere, I'm just not sure I'm capable of finding it.

36. CrazySexyCool, TLC, 1994 (link)
Finally, a sort-of-R&B act that I know something from. 'Waterfalls' is a pretty good song.

37. The Moon & Antarctica, Modest Mouse, 2000 (link)
Totally. Don't. Get. Modest. Mouse.

38. Raising Hell, Run-DMC, 1986 (link)
I dressed up as 1/3 of Run-DMC a few years back for Halloween, but other their collaboration with Aerosmith on one version of 'Walk This Way' (which is on this album), I can't say I know anything else by them.

39. Sheryl Crow, Sheryl Crow, 1996 (link)
'Every Day Is A Winding Road' was pretty much the summer / fall theme song for 1996, fueling many a road trip, I'm sure.

40. Ready to Die, The Notorious B.I.G., 1994 (link)
I don't know any of B.I.G.'s music at all, but when he actually did die his friends recorded a tribute song, which was touching. What wasn't touching: they took a great song by The Police and mangled it into some twisted monstrosity called 'I'll be Missing You.' Atrocious.

So, this round I'm only 3 for 20 with a Dylan record, a Flaming Lips record and one by The Strokes. That brings my grand total, counting last time, to 10 for 40. That's 1 in 4 records on the list that I own.

Not bad.

With that early June heat wave monstrosity finally dissipated, we can all think straight and should carefully proceed to take a look at the latest musical offerings gracing the sunny season’s fine airwaves. This summer is certainly not much more interesting or exciting than previous summers, but it is not completely disappointing either: while your regular assortment of tonal foul-ups are available at your local music store, there are a few sparkling exceptions that once in a while might actually make it onto your MP3 player’s play list. Every aficionado should be aware of these few highlights, because believe it or not, if you stop playing the Beach Boys for all your friends, life will go on. Play these during your community Obama barbeque, or on your way to the Mass, and you’ll likely get some nods from that coworker who never cared about your opinion, or from that significant other who has hated your taste in music since the second date, or from that potential greater-than-friend who has been waiting to be pushed over the edge by way of aural ecstasy.

For those of you out there who like to get your groove on in as many ways as possible, check out Girl Talk’s third major release, the long-awaited Feed the Animals. DJ Gregg Gillis, the man who is Girl Talk, has outdone himself this time, trumping his last spectacular mash-up mix Night Ripper with a new selection of party lubricating hits. A handful of the countless artists Gillis has sampled include Nine Inch Nails, Kelly Clarkson, Birdman, Lil Wayne, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Queen. If you can imagine the most magically schizophrenic dance beat sequence melded into the backdrop of spitfire melodies and rearranged vocals, then you can start practicing your dance moves. If you can’t, download the album for free on Illegal Art and start taking notes. Your future as a party host depends on it.

If you want to ride with your top down (or your windows cranked into the lowest position they can physically go), you should start looking into the latest mainstream hip hop that has graced (see dictionary.com for A) defiled, and B) evolution) our wonderful nation. From the Dirty South, aforementioned Lil Wayne has released his newest full length, the eccentric Tha Carter 3. Many refer to Weezy as the most popular American hip hop artist, and with C3 rivaling Kanye West’s Graduation from last year, as well as the album going platinum within a week (even though it was leaked on the Internet a week before hitting the shelves!), it is hard to deny that our culture is obsessed with including Wayne on the bill. The question you have to ask yourself is “why?” I’m sure many were surprised that Lil Wayne’s newest is his strangest. The album features songs where Lil Wayne’s rasping (though enticingly nonsensical) voice spits about being a Martian from Outer Space, being attracted to and having sex with a female police officer, and being a hip hop doctor who is trained in saving emcees from poor flow. If he and a million other people think he is the greatest rapper alive, maybe it’s something you should check out. You can come to your own conclusions.

If you’re interested in other hip hop directions, Bun B’s new II Trill is a long compilation of club tracks that perfect the mainstream misogynistic gangsta attitude. Even as a poor white kid I can feel the money being shoved in my hand and the girls taking their clothes off as I turn up the bass boost on my Creative Zen and accelerate my Kia Sephia to forty miles an hour. While most contemporary southern rap is interchangeable, one track that might change your mind is the innovative “Swang On Em,” which features Chicago’s Lupe Fiasco melding his Chi-town ferocity with southern spice.

If you enjoy the more traditional rap that harkens back to the old school days through the focus of intelligent word play and intricate beats, check out Prolyphic’s new full-length release from Strange Famous, The Ugly Truth. “Survive Another Winter” (featuring slam poet and comedian Bernard Dolan, as well as hip hop legend Sage Francis, and California’s Alias) will probably fire up your morality with some philosophic jaw-clenching.

Interested in laying around on some romantic beach so you can catch some rays, groove to some music, and contribute absolutely nothing to society? Who doesn’t? If chilling is your idea of a good time, then Youth Novels, the debut album from Swedish group Lykke Li will impress. The album starts off through a strangely obscure poetic chant backed by a mysterious beat; the second song, “Dance Dance Dance,” is probably the most accessible and directly entertaining, as the female singer provides a nascent assortment of memorably unforgiving child-like glee. From there on, the songs melt into one another, from one groove to the next, becoming just what you need to progress through that romance novel, or to write that love sonnet for your one-night-stand.

Similarly, you might check out Animal Collective’s smooth and aquatic Water Curses EP if you missed it from the end of spring. Probably my favorite Animal Collective release, Water Curses combines the new psycho-electro pop insanity of their latest LP, Strawberry Jam, with a throw-back to the more organic arrangements of their earlier work—something die-hard fans thought was lost. Key member, singer, and composer Avey Tare bubbles up a myriad of passionate only-half-insane verses with irregular pitch change and frantic rhythm. Even at its most active and strange moments, the EP dominates the pleasure centers of the ears. Bring it to the volleyball court and watch the other team fall apart in confusion.

For indie rock kids, the new Wolf Parade, the new Cloud Cult, and the new Spiritualized are albums that will be put on repeat. Unless you like the Grateful Dead, avoid the new Bonnie “Prince” Billy. The new Shy Child is great for fans of Justice and LCD Soundsytem. Fleet Foxes and Shearwater hit the folk and folk-rock off without any hitches, and the new Erykah Badu will please R & B fans. Nine Inch Nails now have their newest album on the Internet for free, so if you’re a fan of new stuff and old stuff, it would be a mistake to not entertain that album.

Hopefully Dan Deacon and Of Montreal’s new disks will be out before the weather turns cold again. And hopefully I will have more to say about some harder stuff. The biggest problem is hearing the new Disturbed on the radio and realizing that the band has not changed at all in several years. Plus I am distracted by all those new Guns ‘n’ Roses leaks. But maybe the hot weather will make me angry enough to go back to some serious metal, for a change. Look for those insights, some more record reviews, a Fourth of July special, and some comments on the present-day importance of some older albums throughout the next few weeks—and Christ, please branch out and listen to something new for a change. I’ll see you on the streets of Newport, or on the Wood—that’s Wood Street in Bristol, if you didn’t know. Peace.

He left without saying goodbye...

The day I had been dreading...is here. But it didn't turn out how imagined it.

Today is the day he "ships off" (well...flys off, in his case, no ships for him). I was supposed to see him for the last time...last night...at a reunion event for our college but because of unfortunate circumstances (sprained foot) I just couldn't go.

Can you believe it? All I wanted to do was go to see him one last night. I thought about it for weeks and now I cannot believe I was too ANXIOUS and worried that if my foot hurt while I was out that I wouldn't feel good...and then you all know what that does to me ---faint-o-rama!! And we can't have that happen again...not there...not with him...not on his last night out with friends before he leaves for the "sandbox" (as he calls it).

Can you believe my luck, though? I think I'm going to say that over and over again until I lose my mind. I can't believe my luck! I struggled with it in my head all night long...should I just get in the car and tough it out? Would I be okay? Do you see how anxiety holds me back at the wrong time?

Thank god I was hanging with CapricornSoulSister and ICan'tBelieveHowAlikeWeAre all night because they soooo kept my mind and occupied and glass full!

NOTE: I guess I never explained in my anxiety post yesterday that "passing out or fainting" all started when I was extremely young. As a child (and still as an adult) I fainted/passed out from my own blood or pain. It's called vasovagal syncope:

People with vasovagal syncope typically have recurrent episodes, usually when exposed to a specific trigger. The initial episode often occurs when the person is a teenager, then recurs in clusters throughout his or her life. Prior to losing consciousness, the individual frequently experiences a prodrome of symptoms such as lightheadedness, nausea, sweating, ringing in the ears, uncomfortable feeling in the heart, weakness and visual disturbances. These last for at least a few seconds before consciousness is lost, which typically happens when the person is sitting up or standing. When they pass out, they fall down; and when in this position, effective blood flow to the brain is immediately restored, allowing the person to wake up.

The autonomic nervous system's physiologic state (see below) leading to loss of consciousness may persist for several minutes, so:

1. if the person tries to sit or stand when they wake up, they may pass out again; and
2. the person may be nauseated, pale, and sweaty for several minutes.

I could sort of deal with that issue as an adult but when I got older the passing out/fainting from blood or pain morphed into fainting from panicking about something or being nervous about something (when pain wasn't even the cause). Since I'd rather not get more into the anxiety/blood/pain/fainting discussion again -- this paragraph gives you a little more understanding into where all of this started (I should have explained it a bit more in my previous post) but you need to know why the sprained foot kept me from going last night.

With that being said...after I sprained my foot Friday when I met RecentlyDivorcedCollegeFriend for lunch (that's a whole tale on it's own!) I was so devastated it happened to me because all I could think about was the reunion and being able to see GI GUY one last time! I had a huge decision to make and today I sit here regretting my choice BIG TIME! I didn't GO! What is wrong with me? It's the last time I would be able to see him before he goes away for approximately a year and 3 months to war?? I'm so beside myself right now!

The reason I SHOULDN'T BE BESIDE MYSELF right now is that he really didn't make it clear that he really wanted to see me there and he wasn't BESIDE HIMSELF that he couldn't. I didn't hear from him all day and I finally texted him asked why he was ignoring me so much throughout the past week..I wanted to know if he was mad at me or if I didn't something wrong since we last saw each other and had a great night. He finally texted me back at 10pm and said...no he wasn't mad, just crazy busy and he mentioned that no one showed up for the reunion! Oh how that made me more upset!

No one showing up would have been a great thing for me because his attention wouldn't have been in a hundred different places. We could have hung out the whole time. I didn't go though! But, like I said he wasn't making it clear how much he wished I had gone. I was the one saying I can't believe I'm not going to see you...and meet me somewhere...and aren't you upset that you won't see me one more time, etc? He just responded that yes he wanted to see me...nothing else... after a while he completely stopped responding to my texts altogether...

Then my friend ICan'tBelieveHowAlikeWeAre helped me craft a simple text late in the night where I talked about meeting him somewhere..and if he couldn't he should at least call or text me before he leaves the base for his DEPLOYMENT but I never heard anything else from him! NOTHING! NADA! ZILCH! ZIP!

If he's leaving the base on plane, TODAY, did he leave already? Without calling or writing? It's so late in the day...I'm sure they left already...although I don't know... Oh, I'm just torturing myself here at my desk as I write this! Okay...I give in...text just sent "Did you leave?" The phone says the message was delivered...so that means he is either still here with his phone ON or he arrived at the base (where they will be at for a few months) and turned his phone back on. He could be BUSY (as usual) but I deserve an answer.

Well, ladies and gents...we're back to the way girls torture themselves over guys' behaviors. I guess the past 6 weeks or so didn't mean the same thing to him that it did to me...and all the years of our friendship must not have been meaningful at all as well. Sometimes it makes me feel like a used dirty tissue. My friends warned me but I didn't want to listen. Hell, I warned my damn self that if I got involved with my LONG TIME friend that this MAY happen but I still couldn't help it. I got in too deep but I wanted to (and that's the difference).

The only thing that sort of helps is the agreement that my friends and I all have on the subject... SingleChildhoodFriend, RecentlyDivorcedFriend, CapricornSoulSister, and ICan’tBelieveHowAlikeWeAre will all tell you that he sooooo served a purpose for me! A huge purpose! He took my mind off of what was happening to me, stopped my nightly cries in my bed, and turned the switch back on for me. He made me realize that I could care about someone else, love someone else, feel butterflies again...that I was desirable, loveable, and that I was still able to take cloud 9 for a spin (after being with someone else for so long, married, and soon to be divorced at 32). Even if I never ever talked to him again in my entire life (which I don't see happening) I will always be thankful for the purpose that he served in my life to lift me out of a drowning pool of misery.

I almost almost positive that I will eventually hear from him...I don't think he'd be able to drop me like this so easily...especially when he is away, alone for all this time in a war zone. It's seems strange to say that when he reaches his deployment destination he will finally have some time to "think." But it's true. He's been so crazy the last 6 weeks that I just added to the drama of his life and having to leave his friends and family. You have to put your real life on hold and focus on the task at hand and I'm sure I was a big distraction craving his constant attention and I don't think he could handle it! So that's why I say that I think I WILL hear from him. And you all will be the first to know!

Quote of the day from SingleCityGirl"B" about the situation: "Just put him in the oven for a while...I'm sure he'll come out good at some point!"

All I have to say is thank god for CapricornSoulSister, SingleChildhoodFriend, ICan'tBelieveHowAlikeWeAre, IndianaGalPal, AlwaysKnewWe'dBeFriends, SingleCityGirl"B", Oscar, and CITYGUY. You won't believe how much they all have listened to me rant on and on about this guy and the roller coaster he has put me on for 6 weeks! Oh, thank you all for not strangling me over this soap opera! Some of the torture is over but I still there is more drama to come that I will need you for (so buckle up).

I'm aware that this entire post may have jumped around, may not have fully explained the tale of GI GUY and my not have been totally coherent but it just flowed out of my fingers exactly as I typed it here. Hopefully it's not too convoluted; I wanted to get some of these feelings off my chest. The main point is I think he left without saying goodbye to me and I can't get over not going there last night to see him. I just can't....my heart is in pieces...two times in a row...

Louder, louder
The voices in my head
Whispers taunting
All the things you said
Faster the days go by and I'm still
Stuck in this moment of wanting you here
Time
In the blink of an eye
You held my hand, you held me tight
Now you're gone
And I'm still crying
Shocked, broken
I'm dying inside

Where are you?
I need you
Don't leave me here on my own
Speak to me
Be near me
I can't survive unless I know you're with me

Shadows linger
Only to my eye
I see you, I feel you
Don't leave my side
It's not fair
Just when I found my world
They took you...

(excerpt from Haunted...Kelly Clarkson)

i'm a dreamer... a big time dreamer. maybe it's because i always feel like the world has a lot to offer to me. as a kid, i had so many wants to be. i wanted to become a nurse, teacher, firewoman, soldier, businesswoman, dancer, singer and to be loved and happy. the latter might sound weird because i am always showered with love (only in a weird way) but i always yearn for something of which i couldn't explain explicitly. there is some sort of constant struggle which chains me to a certain kind of angst. maybe it's the love itself or the desired freedom... i don't know... that's why i love it when it rains.. it feels like my soul is being detoxified and nourished... like as if my mind is cleared of inherent disquietude... i get to think and reevaluate my life.

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray

there are times that i feel nobody understands me or the point i'm making and it feels so frustrating. oftentimes, i'd go to sleep feeling like a sour loser although i know that in life there are only few competitions. sometimes it's really the people who are close to me who refuse to listen or just even to consider what i'm saying. maybe it's because what i'm saying is not just too good to hear even if they are the truth. the truth really hurts. i don't know... my mind is really wandering now... i am okay but when i do look back at the times when they refuse to acknowledge me or what i'm saying, the hurt seems to be like a needle pricking my heart little by litte... makes me feel that i don't belong. sobrang drama ko na! it's not actually the things they say... it's how they do or say.

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I'd pray
I could break away

so to break the chain of frustration and to release me from all those anguish, i decided to take an interim from my overly dramatic life. i never expected that taking such step can uncover the cobwebs in my eyes. i realized that the only other thing or person stopping me from the things i want to do in my life is me, myself. so there i was making decisions left and right to take charge of my life. for once, i decided that i hold on to what motivates me. if it is pessimism, then okay. i have always been branded to be pessimistic. although it might be true in one way or another, i do not intend to affect anyone except myself. why being pessimistic? i don't consider it as pessimism actually. i am being optimistic taking heed in caution. so what's wrong with that?

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky.
Make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget all the ones that I love.
I'll take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away

in time, everything will fall on its right places. i will not allow anyone to affect me in such a way that it will cripple me. how funny it is for positivism to mask the real message... positivim exuding intent of hurt and downcasting. i am not saying positivism is wrong. all i'm saying is that sometimes people should be sensitive enough to think that as much as they persist and insist about it, they are actually insulting the person. so what if that person's way of coping is by being pessimistic?

going back, i always believe that dreams do come true. so in God's proper time, since He has granted some of them already, i will reach some of them, if not all.

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jetplane
Far away
And break away

wherever my dreams will take me, i will not hesitate even for just a minute. for the mere fact that i get to dream, i am already thankful. i get to fly without wings and build my own castles. i am breaking away and i am ready to be what the world wants me to be.... in God's proper time... in God's proper time.

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging with revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me
Gotta keep movin on movin on
Fly away
Break away

to do na 'to!

that's kelly clarkson with break away :)

Ik heb een plotselinge en redelijk gevaarlijke girlpower opstoot...

Alweer? Ja, zo af en toe krijg ik het in mijn bol.

Maar deze keer hoef ik geen respons, neen, niets. Ik reken er sowieso niet op.

Just walk away.

So what do I listen to while I type all day? Here's the latest list of songs in heavy rotation on my personal jukebox:

"I Don't Want To Be" -- Gavin DeGraw -- this one's from a few years ago, and at first I didn't care for it, but I like how he vocally attacks the words and the beat is strong-- a great pop-rock song with a strong melody and hooks!

"Come and Talk To Me" -- Jodeci -- this one's from 1991 or something like that-- an oldie but goodie. If it was The Beatles and The Stones when my parents grew up, when I was in my teens it was Boyz II Men and Jodeci. I like this particular song because it's singable, and it's got "swagger."

"Wait For You" -- Elliott Yamin -- this American Idol singer has a great R&B/pop song with this one

"Do It For Love" -- Hall & Oates -- back in the 1980s, this duo had hit after hit, and this was one of their more recent modern era hits that's very catchy pop

"You Rock My World" -- Michael Jackson -- he's the most weird artist we all know, right? He hasn't had a real hit since 1995, but this quasi-hit has the best bassline-- thumpin' along, making me shake my shoulders, and even though MJ is nuts, he does do a good job making music you can feel, you know?

"What's Left Of Me" -- Nick Lachey -- when he and Jessica divorced, he got a hit song out of it. He seems like a nice guy in real life, and this song is all about how you get knocked down, but you gotta get up again, which I can relate to and so can you.

"Sway" -- Melinda Doolittle -- a big band gem from the American Idol contestant who sang it so well-- I found out this song was a hit for Dean Martin in the 1960s I think-- I like it, it's got Latin pizzazz.

"Over It" -- Katharine McPhee -- stylish R&B/pop from the American Idol contestant who looks like Miss America. This song makes me wanna marry her-- it's a cool song from a stunning girl.

"Tattoo" -- Jordin Sparks -- can you tell I watch American Idol? This song, from the American Idol winner, was so annoying to me at first-- I couldn't stand it-- it's an odd beat, odd feel, BUT it grew on me and it's so darn catchy that I can't get it outta my head.

"Mercy" -- Duffy -- this chick is from Europe-- Britain I think-- and she sounds like Amy Winehouse-- retro 1960s pop for today. Cool song, quirky voice-- a trendy song for the moment; I like it.

"The Real Thing" -- Bo Bice -- Another American Idol contestant. This guy had the long hair and was a "rocker." This song rocks.

"How To Save A Life" -- The Fray -- an eloquent pop song-- haunting and emotional and whiny and weird; I love it.

"Gotta Get Thru This" -- Daniel Bedingfield -- the brother of Natasha had this hit a few years ago and I never remember it from the radio, but I found it on a compilation CD at Dollar Tree and it sounds like The Chipmunks on acid-- a breakbeat dance tune that makes me nervous because it's twitchy and jittery and full of energy.

"With You" -- Chris Brown -- this is the song that goes, "I need you boo." For that line alone, I love it. Catchy love song for today's generation of young people.

"Chasing Cars" -- Snow Patrol -- Is this emo rock? I don't know what style this is-- guitar/atmospheric/haunting melody-- it's a lot like The Fray-- that kind of post 1990s, post grunge sensitive rock song that gets in your head and won't leave.

"Because of You" -- Reba McEntire and Kelly Clarkson -- I've liked Reba for years and when she and American Idol's Kelly Clarkson remade Kelly's hit, this one was a must have. These two ladies sing it like they mean it, and I always respect singers who do that.

"Nothing Left to Lose" --Mat Kearney -- I remember going to Gospel Music Week in 2005 and he was the talk of the conference but everyone said he was too good, and too cool, for Christian music. Now look at him: VH1 poster boy, with this great song that sounds like a Counting Crows tune.

"Collide" -- Howie Day -- I don't like his name-- Howie-- but the acoustic version of this song is awesome. Very singable melody.

"New Soul" -- Yael Naim -- Not sure who this singer is or where she's from, but this song seems to be floating around the atmosphere and it bounced into my consciousness enough for me to spend 99 cents to download this quirky tune.

"Lost" -- Michael Buble -- I love this song. It is the best on the list, even though it sounds like something straight out of 1970s adult contemporary radio and is cliche all the way. At first I thought this was a stupid song, but like usual, the ones I hate  grow to be the ones I can't get enough of, and this is the kind of emotional song I'd like to sing in public for an audience-- very touching song.

"Bleeding Love" -- Leona Lewis -- written by Ryan Tedder of One Republic-- so it is well-written because I've decided Ryan Tedder is great at what he does, and this girl knows how to sing a song-- I think she's a sensation in Britain and now America gets a taste of her. While this song sounds like something out of 1989, I still love it because it's sung with conviction.

That's a sample of what I'm listening to right now. Keep in mind I have thousands of songs and artists I listen to-- this was just a glimpse into my musical taste. --Mark Weber

The location was a restaurant called Jillians (http://www.sfstation.com/jillians-at-the-metreon-b10452) which is located at the Metreon complex (http://www.westfield.com/metreon/) in San Francisco.  So I walked into the restaurant and almost immediately found my friends.  Unsvelt Girl's husband, whom we call "Majority" (because Marjority rules), is kind of hard to miss, what with the enormous wheel chair and all, but ironically the first person I saw was UGWR's friend the Tag-Along.  I sat down with them, had a couple glasses of Shiraz and enjoyed the festivities.  When the scheduled event was over, the management essentially kicked us out.  We were, after all, taking up their profit center.

The puprose of this event was to bid farewell to the executive producer of my favorite morning Radio Show, this cutie right here, http://www.radioalice.com/pages/79194.php, who is leaving at the end of his contract, later this month.  Ironically, they decided that day to have one more "going away" party for him, next Thursday.  I believe my friends and I will be attending. 

When the event was over, the male host, "No Name", and the executive producer, Mattty, decided they wanted to carry the “party” on at another location, Dave’s, located at Third and Market streets.  Matty was standing on the sidewalk outside the Metreon trying to contact his wife on her cell phone.  She was supposed to be taking BART into the city to pick him up and drive his car home but he didn’t want to go home yet.  While Unsvelt Girl and Tag-Along left to go to the restroom, Majority and I stayed on the side walk talking to Matty. 

Initially, Matty was on the left side of an outer doorway, I was on the right side and Majority was across from the door.  Majority and Matty were talking and the subject of Matty’s dog came up.  Matty has a dog, roughly a year old which he named “Kelly Clarkson”.  I asked if they called the dog by her full name and if she actually responded to it.  He said that they do and she loves her name and that Kelly Clarkson is quite famous at the dog park.  About that time, I recalled that Matty hasn’t spoken of his very old cat, which used to be a regular topic of conversation on the morning radio show.

I asked Matty, “I haven’t heard any mention of ‘Colonel Fuzby’ lately.  Is he still around?”

Matty chuckled while crossing over to stand next to me, now standing on my right side.  “That cat,” he said with a grin, “that cat hates Kelly Clarkson.  Colonel Fuzby gets completely ignored now.  He sits in the corner glaring at Kelly Clarkson and cursing her under his breath.  Looks at my wife and me as if to say, ‘Hey!  I’m still here!’

“But the minute we go to bed at night he’s all over me.  The minute my head hits the pillow he’s snuggling up next to me, right here.”  He said patting the top of his left shoulder.  “He starts nuzzling his way into that space as soon as I lie down.  Like…  Well... Like this.”  And with that, Matty leaned in toward me and pressed his left cheek against my arm about halfway up my right bicep.  He then proceeded to rub his way up to the top of my shoulder where he lay his head for a good five seconds.

So ok.  Yeah, I was already kind of horney.  After many months of medicinally induced impotence, I’ve recently begun to… well... regain my mojo.  Now that "things" are starting to work again, I’m kinda like a 16 year old kid, EVERYTHING MAKES ME HORNEY!  So yeah, I was already semi-hard before this happened and it felt reeeeaaalllyyy good to be touched but I didn’t really think he was coming on to me.  An on-line friend of mine insists that's just what was happening, and had I played along, I just might've gotten some that night.  Fortunately, just because I'm gay doesn't mean I don't have morals, and a married man is not for me.....  even if....  well... NO!  A married man is not for me. :D

Anyway, my Friends and I ended up not going to Dave's that night.  Instead we went to Powell Street and the Cable Car Turnaround where Blondies Pizza is to get a slice.  It was chilly and most of us were discussing other food options, but Majority wanted pizza and, well, like I said, "Majority Rules."  When that was over, it was time to call it a night.  My friends had taken BART and we parted ways at the Powell Street BART station.  I had to walk five city blocks to my car.  With my inhibitions behind me, I have never before been so acutely aware of the highly attractive male population of the city.  ‘Twas, in a way, a torturous experience and yet delightfully freeing, all at the same time!

In fact I was so horney that night that I did something I couldn't resist, just for the hell (and the danger) of it.  Before I even backed out of my space in the parking garage I took off all my clothes and drove all the way home (about 25 miles) totaly naked.  There were nearby sidewalks, and rolled down windows involved and much to my amazement (and maybe a little dissappointment) no one seemed to notice.  Not even as I was driving down Market Street.  That of the middle of the road bus stops, putting people on either side of the car!