Then, one day he came up to me again and asked me if i was good at computer. I told him I understand the basics of pcs but thats all. He then told me to meet him in the library during lunch period (turns out we both had 7th period free.) So I went to the library during lunch them, and wondered what does he wants, Turns out he wanted me to enter the grades for the first mp of 2nd term for him. I was wondering, "why in the world does he needs me to enter in the grades for him?" but, since I get to see my own grade before hand, I don't mind it. Then progressively, he asks me to do more things for him on the computer, simple things like sending emails and typing recommendation letters. My little "aids" were return with enormous amounts of praises, especially during class time, which earned me a tittle of a "teacher's pet" in apush. Although I am grateful of his warm praises, I am not the type that like to catch public attention for sometihng so minor. More recently, he asked me to help him fill out a online application for a contest that could win him a free educational abroad trip, and I agreed to his request. We have made plans to meet over the summer to complete the application, so hopefully, that 'll be some fun to look forward to.

To me, having such a close relationship with a teacher is something special and I wish to maintain it throughout the rest of my high school career.

Gonna start my own honor society next year.

Junior year?  Did I give you permission to end?  No, don't give me any of that "but it's already been nine months" BS.  You think you can make up some excuses about time passing and shit and then just END tomorrow, or in two weeks, except exams don't count, because what matters is that classes are ending.  Classes!  Classes I've been in for nine months!  Classmates I've been taught with for nine months!  Teachers I've been taught by for nine months!

There are '08-ers whom I will maybe see tomorrow, maybe at graduation if I can fight through the masses of sweating humans to find them-- and then never see again.  That is unacceptable.  Hey junior year (yeah, I'm still talking to you), go tell those seniors that they aren't allowed to graduate.  Sorry.  Because now, in addition to eight semesters of PE and three science regents, they also need April's permission in order to get their diploma.  And I don't remember ANYBODY asking me for that.  So yeah, they have to stay here another year and keep me company.

Besides, junior year, you don't really understand.  I was planning to get my act together during you so I could be ready to be a senior.  That didn't happen.  Why?  Because I was too busy being a junior!  I don't understand!  Seniors are all about having five free periods a day and driving around town and knowing where you're going to college, or at least where you want to go.  I am not all about that.  Seniors are all about being better than all the other underclassmen.  And I'm not.  I don't know how to be a senior.  Were there senior prep classes that you kept secret from me?  Because if so, why didn't you tell me about them?!  I thought we were friends, junior year!

And the whole college business is just annoying.  Thinking about my future just bothers me a lot, and frankly I don't find it all that interesting because my present and my past are enough for me.  Theoretically, you were supposed to get me thinking about college, seeing as next year I have to apply and all that.  But then you turned out to be such a wild ride that I didn't really have the time or brain power to ponder college.  You're like the friend who takes me out partying all night without reminding me of the consequences, except the parties were actually AP classes and thus not parties at all.  Of course, I secretly enjoyed those AP classes.  But that's beside the point.  Or is it?  What is the point?

I think the point might be that tomorrow is the last day of classes, and I'm more than a little bit sad about that.  And junior year?  It's all your fault.

I've also been blogging on and off for quite a few years (more than you can read here, actually, since I have a livejournal I never imported). Now, when I started, it was very very important to my 16 year old self that my parents never read my blog. In recent years, this has become less and less important to me, although I've never advertized the existance of the garden to my parental units.

Now that I'm thinking about what should go up on cupcakenation, I'm also wondering if part of that should be this blog. I know (Anna) that some of you might not want to have links to you up in a place where my parents, should they ever remember my stagnant site, might end up. I'm also just not sure myself. What do you all think?

I don't think that cupcakenation would BECOME this blog, since I'm pretty attached to having a place I can play around with web design without having to deal with blog templates, but I might end up with something like a splash page with links to various places or subdomains, one of which might be this blog. I just have so many things going on on the internet right now, that I think I either need some sort of clear other thing to be doing at cupcakenation, or I need to bring some of what I've got going on over there.

Here are some of the things that might end up linked in to cupcakenation:

Muxtape

Flickr

Tumblr

last.fm

Twitter (which I pretty much don't use)

I just...I am very undecided. Internet privacy, why you so scary?

Man, this is a great poem.

Self, your pants are on inside out.
No they're not, they're perfect, I love them like this.
Yes they are. Look at the waist band.
But it folds over! It's fine!
But where is the drawstring? Where, I ask you??
It's here, where it's supposed to be. Oh, no wait, that's not where it's supposed to be. Shit, you're right. They're inside out.
Oh, no wait! Look at the little orange thing! That's supposed to be on the outside, and it is! You're totally set. Pants right side out.
Oh, my god what a relief.

Combined :: 1280
Reading :: 670
Math :: 610

it sounds like something that i've been struggling to come to terms with this semester.

it sounds like something i've been trying to reconcile my "healthy attitude toward grades" with, something i've been trying to explain to the underclassmen who supposedly admire my hands-off approach to academics.

after all, why am i here?

this semester, i didn't work hard enough, i didn't care enough, i didn't like my classes enough. it's too late to remedy this (except i guess i could try to enjoy the last two finals that i have... which i kind of am?), but it is something i must keep in mind for next year.

and like my darling sib says, not just academically, but spiritually as well.

I didn't even get the test, but when I was sitting in Jones 113 (which is one of my favorite classrooms on campus... brings me memories of Japanese drill and late night studyings with Lady), I wanted to cry.

I'm so tired.

I'm so tired.

I'm so tired.

I don't know why.  I always know that after a deadline passes or a certain date approaches, there is no joy specific to that time.  People look forward to dates, deadlines, breaks, but I don't necessarily put a whole lot of stock into that because I know that ultimately leaves a hollow, tinny feeling.  Instead, I try to enjoy the journey, even those late nights and high pressure times when I have to finish assignments or sprint to the stretch.  (I think I actually enjoy those really late nights where we're all crammed in a few Frist rooms frantically trying to finish our papers.  No, no, I actually do.  No think.)

I was in a daze yesterday (perhaps more than I needed to be in) at the Manna barbeque (by the way, CATHY GOT PERMISSION TO WRITE A CREATIVE THESIS! celebrations).  Kayee (bless her heart, she really is amazing.  I adore her so much) bought me bent spoon ice cream last night.  I really need to treat that girl to something amazing.  Afterwards, I went back and collapsed on my bed at around 9.

I woke up at 3:30am.. I didn't even set my alarm until 5am, earliest.  I cleaned my room a bit (from the aftermath of dean's date) and started compiling my Korean vocabulary list.  Around 6:30am a wave of exhaustion hit me, and I decided to take a nap at 7.

Like all naps, it did not end well.  I did not wake up at 8 like I intended, did not wake up at 9, or even 10.  (I had scheduled to do some hardcore Korean studying at 10:30 at the latest.)  I woke up at 11:30 (miraculously) without an alarm.  I had a slight headache and panic session... then proceeded to cram hanja like I always do.

I stumbled to Frist to do some last minute studying, where Dahae had oh-so-kindly brought me lunch.  I ate it.  It tasted alright.  I couldn't study anymore.  I went to Korean class.  I couldn't smile.  Suh sunsengnim looked nice today.  I got the test and instead tried to take a nap.

hahahahahaha, i am ridiculous

Okay, so I forced myself from taking a nap, actually, because I realized that I probably wouldn't wake up on time.  The exam was depressing.  She tried so hard to make it easy for us yet I couldn't didn't even meet her halfway, or even a tenth of the way.  I have a headache now because I drifted off a few times.

I realized today as a sudden memory floated into my head -- during class sharing at the spring retreat, Julia said how she realized how much she enjoyed her classes and was just enjoying life as a student this semester because she didn't have as many extracurricular responsibilities -- and the sad sad realization that I did not particularly enjoy any of my classes crept upon me.

that made me so sad.

Someone who used to love school, really really love it, really really love learning, really really love staying up all night reading and studying and learning all sorts of nerdy things -- instead I am just burnt out.  Maybe it's just now, because it's not like it's always this way, but I don't care to learn anything right this second.  If someone tries to teach me something right now, I will scream and shove their paper down the trash can (not their throat, because I am too slow and dull to do that now.)

i'm too tired to cry

i don't even need to cry.

[sigh]

(that was a literal one.  i actually sighed.  deep breath.  feel a little better.)

okay, i'm going to go take a shower, and then things will seem better!  i will be able to smile and laugh and be me.  :)  well, i'm still me right now.  even with giggles or melancholy.  i'm a lot more melancholy.

maybe the psychotic princeton student in me needs to take control of at least one thing in her life.  healthily, not in a psycho, crazy way.  there are things in my life i need to reign in, and reign in fast and hard.  now.

this year was like puberty.  i guess my puberty was so mild that God said, hmm, Sumin needs some more angst in her life.  hahahaha.

anyway.

(that was an allusion to joonmin's thesis, ha.)

i guess there is nothing and everything particularly weighing down my mind right now.  the troubles of others -- especially the ones i don't know, the ones i know that are weighing others down and i can't help them with those burdens -- the petty unpleasantness of me, in me, to me, from me.

i don't want to be touched right now.  clingy, touchy, feely me doesn't want anyone to touch her.

i'll be fine tomorrow. i'll be fine tonight.  bye bye funk.

So really it was just awkward when you made the dash for the door while I was washing my face and you thought I wouldn't be able to see you. I mean, yes, it was amusing, and I'm personally grateful, since you totally livened up my night and gave me something to blog about (at long last), but it was kind of totally unneccessary. And let's get right down to it--you were really too lazy to walk the extra 10 to 15 feet to the guy's bathroom? I mean, COME ON. It is not that far. And once you've been busted, have the good grace to pretend you haven't been. I mean, we're all grownups here. There are worse things than some chick catching you in just your boxers in the girls' bathroom at 2 in the morning. Take it like a man, for all our sakes.

Love,

mary

P.S. I totally know who you were, by the way, but for the sake of your dignity, I won't share it with the internet. You happen to room with a friend of mine, actually, and you definitely don't live in this dorm. If I giggle when next we meet, you'll know why.

and i think for many of us that other things are human relationships or lack thereof.

oh, how broken we all are! (interjecting, i am) junior year is hard, so hard, and so so hard and no one ever warned me. it wouldn't have mattered. besides, it's not like it's junior year academics that are the brunt of the stress (it does contribute, i'd say so i'd say so oh why), so it's not anything that anyone could have or would have foreseen.

example conversation (with whom? with myself?):

"hey sumin, junior year is going to be hard for everyone."

"no way. why? sophomore year was hard! but it's gonna get better."

"yea, it was hard, but junior year? harder. work. but mainly people."

"what do you mean?"

"crap's gonna happen and there's nothing you can do about it. you'll cry your heart out and it won't solve anything. you'll see people in pain and you can't reach out. you'll laugh and then hear someone weeping and what can you do?"

"what?"

"basically, i'm telling you lots of things will happen and it'll take its toll."

"what?"

"you're stupid."

"um, looked in a mirror lately?"

"anyway, it'll be hard for everyone in different ways. you're not going to be able to really change anything for anyone, so stop meddling. the best you can do is listen. and listen to yourself. don't be selfish, but don't ignore your own needs."

"oh."

"good luck, you're gonna need it."

"what?"

"i'll pray for you. and your class."

"thanks."

[gets up to leave]

"you know, you're still going to love it. junior year is going to be hard, but it's necessary. and you'll still be happy."

"i know."

a) dead

b) tired

c) souless/heartless/brainless (the SATs ate them.)

d) sore

e) all of the above

1. I started using Google Feed Reader. Now, I know that this is usually a thing that wastes MORE time, rather than less, but in my case, it's really cut down on the amount of time that I've been spending checking and re-checking websites looking to see if they've updated. Now I just check the feed, which is just one website, and therefore eats much less time.
2. I've given up gossip blogs cold-turkey. I know. I'm impressed with me too. Not a single viewing of either of my twin gossip obsessions since I started this fast, lo these...2 weeks ago.

I haven't, however, given up internet TV or near-constant music listening. Let's not go crazy all at once. But so far, it's working. I'm shockingly on top of my work and my reading, and I don't think that the internet celebrities have missed my obsessive attention to their social lives one bit.

Is this a totally boring revelation for you guys? Yes.

I'll be back in the next couple of days with something interesting.

Yesterday instead of grading papers I helped put 500 Cheerios in 30+ Ziplock baggies.  So you must be wondering why?  The teacher I'm helping is a youth pastor and his church last night had a 30 hour famine.  So what are the Cheerios for?

According to what he had said some 15,000 children 5 and under die from starvation a year.  The youth at his church will use 30 of the bags and put each Cheerio on a string and stretch it out to see just how much 15,000 is.

I personally think this is really cool.  I mean after counting out all the Cheerios for what took about an hour and a half I told some of my friends I've never seen that many Cheerios in my life.  And then I thought, "If this is 15,000 Cheerios then I don't want to imagine how much 15,000 of the children that die of starvation is.

Years ago when my dad was a youth pastor our church did a 30 hour famine but I didn't have a chance to do it.  Now after all those Cheerios two things have happened.  I'll never look at Cheerios the same again and I really want to participate in a 30 hour famine one day.

So any of you ever done a 30 hour famine before?  What was it like?  Anyone got any good Cheerio stories? :D

I am so friggin' burned out.

On the plus side, I had a much-anticipated sex-filled afternoon with the boyfriend.

Nothing like sex to make you more motivated to do your pre-calculus homework.

It would be reasonable, if it were at all true.

I spend an incredible amount of time convincing myself that I am working, or about to work, or taking a valuable break from work, when I am actually reading a list of emails from people's moms, keeping up with Lena Chen's tumblr (why? no one knows. not even me.),  and looking at pictures of dubious reality stars crying.

WHY?

Why do I do these things? I mean, when I ask myself, "self, would you rather read a good poem or a novel OR would you rather look at Heidi Montag cry fake tears on a sidewalk somewhere?" the answer is almost ALWAYS "I would rather read something of value." But do I go do that? No. No, I read emails FROM OTHER PEOPLE'S MOTHERS instead.

If I could solve procrastination, I could solve everything.

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