Joan Collins's latest dispatch from her base in St Tropez, where she keeps her finger on the pulse of British society, has appeared in The Spectator magazine, the journal for people who think society is going to the dogs because of indiscipline among the poor. I would attempt a parody of her views, except she seems to have beaten me to it.

"There's something dreadfully Mugabe-ish about Gordon Brown's attitude towards the ordinary citizens of Britain," Joan writes. "He seems to care not one jot that we are all finding day-to-day living more and more horrible, with the rising prices of good, fuel and transport, unfair taxes and rocketing mortgages. Thousands of pensioners - the same people who got us through the Second World War - are practically starving while the portals are wide open for every foreign immigrant who arrives and immediately collects massive benefits such as housing, health and maternity care."

She goes on to note that she knows of two Eastern European girls who have become pregnant upon arrival in Britain and are now living a "relatively comfortable life" on housing benefit.

Where to start? Robert Mugabe's principal political tactic - appealing to nationalist sympathies to justify attacks on people deemed to be outsiders - bears a closer resemblance to Joan Collins's politics than those of Gordon Brown. Her idea that pensioners (who, contrary to her assertion, are mostly too young to have fought in the Second World War*) are suffering as a consequence of immigration policy is a classic nationalist false correlation. The two are connected only in the sense that both are a burden on the public purse - a link so tenuous that you could use the same argument to blame the plight of chicken farmers on the RAF, or the road death toll on Olympic athletes.

Joan also betrays the source of her information and opinions. Only a Daily Mail reader believes that you can live a comfortable life on housing benefit. Is it too much to hope that she was spoofing herself?

* The vast majority of Britons of pensionable age (about 80 per cent) would have been 16 or younger at the end of the War, so although many lived through it, it is not true to say that they contributed to the War effort.

It was a very large and enthusiastic meeting with a broad diversity of people. Around 200 people packed the room in Wynn’s Hotel with only standing room at one stage. In Tralee around 30 people came to hear Francois Duval, Dermot Connolly (Campaign for an Independant Left) and Richard Boyd Barrett (People Before Profit) and in Waterford around 25 people came to hear speakers including Jimmy Kelly (Unite Trade Union) and Dick Roche (Waterford Trades Council).

Get involved:

info@people-before-profit.org

087 9090166

www.people-before-profit.org 

In Dublin, Francois Duval spoke about the French developments coming out of the defeat of the EU Constitiution in 2005, culminating in the gathering together of a new anti capitalist party in formation at the present time.
Joan Collins spoke well and said that the people she was working with in the Crumlin Workers Action Group were interested in the development that People Before Profit represented and were discussing ways of uniting. Paddy Healy relayed a message from Seamus Healy, former Tipperary TD that they too were supportive, as did a speaker from the Workers Party. Joan Collins spoke of the urgency of the situation saying something along the lines of "The train is moving, it's time to get aboard".
Richard Boyd Barrett gave a barnstorming speech that was very enthusiastically received. He pointed out that the No vote was a class vote that indicated the lack of representation of the huge number of people that rejected privatisation and the rest of the neo-liberal agenda, rejected the militarisation of Europe. Neither Labour, nor the Greens could provide that alternative and it required the creation of a new left.
Brid Smith (SWP & People Before Profit), to great applause, called for Joe Higgins and the SP to be fraternally encouraged to participate. Joan and others commented that the talk of the time not being right was a big mistake and remarked "If not now, when?"
This was a very important meeting and signals for the first time some real progress in the coming together of various strands of the left, in an attempt to forge a new left alliance.

Joan Collins is known as the queen of old fashioned glamour and the actress didn't disappoint when she donned swimwear for a superyacht holiday in the South of France.

Despite her being in her 75th year the film star showed she was still in great shape while on holiday luxury boat in Saint Tropez in the south Of France. A secret surprise party in the South of France was thrown hat the luxury villa of millionaire entrepreneur Simon Reuben where Joan celebrated her 75th birthday last month. Her fifth husband Percy Gibson, 43, had sworn guests to secrecy over the lavish party.

Joan Collins and is best known for her roles in the 1980s TV series Dynasty but has been a star for more than 50 years.  May she enjoy many more luxury yacht vacations.

The man behind the foundation, Mikhail Gorbachev was in attendance with his only child Irina and her daughter Anastasia.

Also in attendance was Hugh Grant who has an active role in this charity gave a heartfelt speech about his mother Finvola who also fell victim to this disease in 2001. A performance by U2 frontman Bono was given to a star studded audience that included Orlando Bloom, Kevin Spacey, Petra Nemcova, Benicio Del Toro, Kate Beckinsale, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Emily Blunt, Mary J. Blige, Joan Collins, and Joely Richardson.

(Photo Credit: S.O.)

Actress Angelina Jolie looking radiant at Cannes:

Alex Curran, model and wife of football player, Steven Gerrard, out and about looking quite stylish:

Coleen McLoughlin, TV personality and fiancée of English football player, Wayne Rooney, walking through the airport in this fashionable number:

English actress Kelly Brook looking happy and chic:

Girls Aloud singer Nadine Coyle is beaming in a casual summer number:

Style maven, Vogue magazine editor, Anna Wintour, looking great on the red carpet (girl, are you really like in that movie!):

The fabulous Joan Collins looking great at age 75. Now that's how you age well (watch out for PETA, girl!):

Chris Tucker looking handsome and dignified (considering he is a comedian, the latter is quite strange for him - just kidding):

http://soundoffcolumn.com/may_08.htm

]]> http://ninablogg.wordpress.com/?p=108 Tue, 15 Apr 2008 01:19:10 +0000 Nina http://ninablogg.wordpress.com/?p=108 Man kan tycka vad man vill om Joan Collins och Alexis - men den här videon är bara SÅ söt! *:)

För den som annars känner för lite classic Dynasty med Alexis så klicka då bara på den här länken! =D

Vadan detta nu då? Jo: för att uppmärksamma att första säsongen av Dynastin nu denna april, för första gången, ÄNTLIGEN släppts på DVD i Sverige! *:)

Channel 4, home of the cut-price movie matinee, has been showing afternoon films all week starring that AXIOM OF CINEMA, Joan Collins. Two of them had solid auteur credentials, if we can allow the use of the a-word, so I checked them out. That's Shadowplay -- faithfully watching Joan Collins movies, so you don't have to.

ESTHER AND THE KING has the double-whammy of being directed (and produced, and co-written) by mighty eye-patch wearing wild man Raoul Walsh, and photographed by Mario Bava. I'd caught glimpses of this movie and I'm a sucker for Bava's trademark Disneyland Blue, which is on display in nearly all this movie's interiors. Word has it that Walsh liked Bava'swork so much he delegated most of of E&TK to him. It's certainly a film that has more in common with Bava's KNIVES OF THE AVENGER or HERCULES IN THE HAUNTED WORLD than it does with WHITE HEAT or GENTLEMAN JIM. Since Bava's primary focus is the visual, when given his head as a cinematographer he can really subsume a film into his style, becoming its auteur by default (I still don't like that word, but you know what I mean -- the person with the unifying vision). And since energy was always a big part of the Walsh approach, and there's far less of that in his later work, there is a void to be filled.

(Late-period Walsh is unlikely to win the consideration lately awarded to late Hawks, Ford or Lang. Persons hoping to admire Walsh in his Mature Phase are recommended to sit through THE SHERIFF OF FRACTURED JAW, a Western of Damaged Brain uniting Kenneth More [British cinema's perennial "decent bloke"] with Jayne Mansfield [I.Q. of a genius but she kept it off the screen] and then give the whole thing up as a bad job.)

Bava fills the void with mind-frazzling candy colours, seen to best advantage in the film's numerous palace entertainments, starring dancing girls in revealing tunics, or unconvincingly miming Nubian singers -- the voice is THAT WOMAN who does all the Ennio Morricone wailing. While it doesn't quite slide into the autistic trance-state of Howard Hughes' SON OF SINBAD, which stops the "plot" for a belly-dance every 3 frames (David Bordwell would break his clicker trying to keep score), giving new meaning to the phrase "navel-gazing", this is still a film more interested in bringing on the next dance number than in sorting out Judeo-Persian politics -- and who can blame it? Even in Channel 4's lamentably cropped 16:9 version, these scenes have a wondrous lustre and pop, as fleshy Italian chorines writhe and stagger. 

A classic Bava shot: symmetrical framing, asymmetrical and unmotivated coloured lighting on the lions.

Of course, Bava wasn't hugely interested in performance, and I know you'll shudder in terror as you read this, but Joan Collins is the best actor in ESTHER AND THE KING. There, I've said it. Such a thing exists -- a film where Joan stands supreme, talent-wise, if only because she's surrounded by an unbeatable selection of human planks, lugs, stiffs and dolts. The camp harem commandant is the closest thing to a characterisation on offer (eunuch = homosexual in E&TK's schema).

Joan's scenes in the harem are among the most amusing. She starts the film in fine form, attempting random bursts of American accent and doing truly extraordinary things with her face while everybody around her is trying to act. In closeup she's more subdued, having presumably been fed the Hedy Lamarr dictum on how to look beautiful: "Just stand still and look stupid." This, Joan can do.

The Persian shagging-palace is depicted herein as a less austere version of the famous Rank Charm School, where the real-life Joan, along with Barbara Steele and Julie Christie, was educated in deportment, enunciation and, well, charm. This fine institution is satirised in Lauder and Gilliat's LADY GODIVA RIDES AGAIN, a film in which Joan has an uncredited cameo, along with half the British film industry ("Laughable term!" says Alistair Sim). The school's graduates were trained in disguising any traces of a working class accent (the late Stratford Johns took great satisfaction in telling me how "common" the Collins sisters were back in the early '50s), walking with a book balanced atop their heads, and getting out of cars without revealing their underwear to the photographers (not yet known as paparazzi) -- would that today's celebs boasted such a skill-set!

Gorgeous lifelike colour by Deluxe!

Joan gets sent to finishing school all over again in THE GIRL ON THE RED VELVET SWING, a true-crime story directed by Richard Fleischer. Fleischer did a stupendous job with (working backwards) 10 RILLINGTON PLACE (the Christie murders, very accurate), THE BOSTON STRANGLER (heavily fictionalised) and a very decent job on COMPULSION (Leopold & Loeb, quasi-accurate as far as it goes). This movie climaxes act 2 with a scandalous homicide, but it isn't primarily a crime film, more of a woman's picture (red drapes behind the credit sequence) and Joan is the woman whose picture it is.

Ray Milland is Stanford White, America's greatest architect of the gilded age. Farley Granger is the spoiled and possibly psychotic Harry Thaw. Joan is Floradora Girl Evelyn Nesbitt, who throws herself at the married Milland ("She's a stupid slut," pronounced Fiona, and I believe there was a hint of disapproval in her tone) before allowing herself to be wooed by Granger.

Things the movie omits to tell us: White was carrying on with lots of other chorus girls too; he may have drugged their champagne in order to date-rape them; Thaw was a coke fiend; he had a fondness for beating women with a dog whip; Nesbitt became impregnated by John Barrymore; her abortion was procured at a finishing school run by the mother of Cecil B DeMille.

In the movie, Joan's abortion is instead a nervous breakdown (I guess the logic is, "We need something shameful but not sexual"), presented in a series of lap dissolves as she tosses in her delirium: montage=mental illness. Producer and co-screenwriter Charles Brackett (working with Walter Reisch, previously his collaborator on NINOTCHKA) struggles to get any dramatic fire going. Joan is remarkably good-ish in this -- she must have devolved a bit between GIRL and ESTHER. 20th Century Fox had planned to cast Marilyn Monroe, but she was on suspension. Ray Milland is always reliable, but can't really be outstanding in the part as written. Granger has the flashiest role but he can't quite make a show-stopper out of it, he's not really that kind of actor. Brad Dourif had the role in RAGTIME, and he's a much better idea.

At the film's "climax", Joan must sway a jury single-handedly, with a testimony so powerful that they are forced to acquit a man arrested for publicly shooting an old guy in the face, in the crowded theatre of Madison Square Garden, while shouting "He ruined my wife!" (In the real-life case, nobody could say for sure whether it was "wife" or "life". A minor point -- the guy was still dead.)

DIGRESSION: Now, I've seen Joan in the witness box FOR REAL, and I have to say, she wasn't thatcompelling. This was when she attempted to follow her sister Jacqui into the world of best-selling bonkbuster novels, and was sued by her publisher for the return of her six-figure advance after she failed to provide them with sufficiently publishable dross (a sample:"'Don't call me your little cabbage,' she said savagely. 'I'm nobody's cabbage.'"). Joan, her head inserted into wig styled like freshly whipped soufflé, made a poor witness, mainly because she seemed too profoundly THICK to understand when she was being asked a question, of that she was expected to answer. But in fairness to her, this may have been a deliberate strategy -- her best chance of winning the case (she won) was in proving that the publishers got exactly what they deserved when they asked her to knock up a couple of novels. Skeptics may wonder whether Joan is a good enough actress to fool an entire courtroom, but I remind you: she was playing the part of a dumb actress. "Stand still and look stupid" may be equally good advice for the witness box.

DIGRESSION ON DIGRESSION: The best movie star courtroom scene played for real was that of Lana Turner, defending her daughter for knifing well-endowed gangster Johnny Stompanato to death. She gave a real Lana Turner performance, completely artificial from beginning to end and completely convincing to everybody concerned.

END OF DIGRESSIONS: Fleischer's direction only takes off during the scene when Millandfinally gets Collins on his swing. With dizzying, nauseating POV shots, Fleischer shows her ascending to the ceiling and attempting to kick holes in the skylight. We get a glimpse of the campy wallow in bad taste this film could have been if Fleischer had been allowed to report the true story and play to Joan's strengths. The Fleischer of MANDINGO could have had a ball with that.

The movie needs more SUBTLE FORESHADOWING, like the skulls, screen right.

There are so many reasons to be angry with Cloris, I’m not even sure where to begin.

1. i’m mad at everyone born in Des Moines. (Did you know that moine was the french word for monk? None of them wear robes… none of them!)

2. Phyllis. Nuff said. Phyllis should have stayed on Mary Tyler Moore. There is no Mary without Phyllis and there is no Phyllis without Mary.

3. Cloris clearly does not look like Edna. She should never have played the sister on The Facts of Life. Never.

 One of these things is NOT like the other.

4. Cloris chose not to kill Joan Collins when Joannie had an affair with her husband. Not killing Joan meant, for us earthlings, Dynasty. Had she died nasty in the clutches of Miss Cloris, we would not have had to put up with Dynasty. Suffice it to say, Cloris Leachman is the reason and the cause of Dynasty.

5. There is no 5 because I don’t care to further discuss or explore. Without a 5, there really isn’t a reason for a 6.

PRETORIA BORN. Same day as Michael Jackson, but 4 years later, 29 Augustus. Virgo’s.

MATRICULATED GREY COLLEGE in ‘82, Army and Border duty for 2 years and 2.5 years at Pta Tech Drama School.

He is undoubtedly one of the hardest working and creative artists in South Africa. When he's not singing, he's acting (plenty stage productions SUMMER HOLIDAY, JOSEPH... and DIE SOEN, 3 Movies as lead (KAMPUS, AGTER ELKE MAN and NO HERO and 3 tv soapies: GUILLAM WOUDBERG, AGTER ELKE MAN and EGOLI) and when the actor's taking a break then the writer takes over, composing songs (13 original cd’s, 150 of his songs are being performed locally and internationally) and writing poetry (3 anthologies, one published: VALKUNS). "But I’m not a great poet. They’re pretty much economic songs or lazy thoughts condensed!"

Steve singles out hi-lites as acting opposite JOAN COLLINS, SUN CITY SUPERBOWL sell-out months in advance, and his international performances and recordings (L.A. & Belgium).

Steve is currently touring his Waarmaker cd.

Favourite foods: meat, since his wife is a vegetarian! Nothing beats pizza and wine.

Favourite time of year: January, when he goes on holiday and it’s summer in Africa!

Favourite destination: Amsterdam & Brussels & New York

The best object he’s ever brought back from overseas: Eddie Murphy Live video, E.M Cioran books, Wittgenstein philosophy, global tolerance.

Favourite part of his job: Travelling, Composing. "If I could end up as a songwriter and not sing or act I’d be very happy." People.

Favourite pastime: Movies, reading, poetry.

The easiest song he’s ever worked on: "Laaste Lag" – On his debut album Desertbound. He wrote it with his left hand while driving his car en route to a gig.

Ultimate ambition: To see his children grow up. Writing screenplays.

But I sort of loved the tagline: "His only hope is to escape with her jewels...before she steals his heart!". Exclamation mark theirs.

Morgan Fairchild aka Jordan de día, Mónica de noche (Falcon Crest).

Miren ustedes qué cuello!!

La eficiente abogada con desorden múltiple de personalidad de Richard Channing es un milagro de la naturaleza. Su cara y su cuerpo han sido conservados como si el tiempo no existiera para ella, y ella misma confiesa que le encanta operarse y que tiene en su agenda a varios cirujanos plásticos que se encargan de mantenerla en perfectas condiciones. Entre sus aciertos, no haberse puesto labios, al igual que Joan Collins, ya que un lifting puede ser una maravilla y quitarte 30 años de encima pero si tus labios parecen los de Isabel García Marcos se te quedará cara de señora vieja estirada y rellenada como un pavo à la Linda Evans.

Además, le encanta hacer ejercicio todos los días y eso, se nota, que no todo es tan fácil como operarse. Contra la flaccidez se lucha cada día sudando la camiseta.

Linda Evans aka Krystel Carrington (Dinastía).

De acuerdo con Joan Collins, su verdadera rival en la vida real, “Linda Evans tiene los labios de colágeno más extraños que he visto en toda mi vida. Epitomiza la expresión ‘labios de trucha’. Es una lástima mirar a la cara de una mujer que fue tan bella y ver esa sonrisa de gárgola“. Bien dicho Joan. Atácala ahí, en su talón de aquiles, por cerda y por mala.

La verdad sobre Linda Evans es que lo primero, ella nunca fue la inocente y santurrona mujer que nos hizo creer en Dinastía. En la vida real ella es peor que el demonio y se ha dedicado a hacerle la vida imposible a Joan Collins en los últimos años, algo que ha sido denunciado públicamente por ésta última.

Además, Linda es especialista en cirugía mucho antes de empezar con los liftings y el colágeno para labios. En Dinastía ya estaba recauchutada de arriba a abajo. Su nariz ya estaba operada,  y sus angulosos pómulos no eran de verdad, no hay más que ver cualquier imagen de ella en los años 60 para darse cuenta y qué demonios, ni siquiera. Ya en Dinastía cantaba a la legua que esa cara había sido cosida un par de veces.

Deborah Adair aka Tracy Kendall (Dinastía)

¿Quién se ha comido a Deborah Adair?

La que hiciera de ambiciosa, sexy y trepadora secretaria de Blake Carrington abandonó el mundo de la interpretación para convertirse en un ama de casa con hijos. A veces uno se plantea si le dan a elegir entre acabar con la cara de Linda Evans o acabar abandonada físicamente por qué opción decantarse… yo lo tengo claro, y vosotros?

Laura Johnson aka Terry Hartford Ranson (Falcon Crest)

Esta bella mujer, la verdaderamente mala y sin escrúpulos hermana de Maggie Gioberti, ha optado por el proceso humano natural de maduración, sin conservantes ni colorantes y está fantástica. Podría estar más joven pero también tendría cara de señora ricachona de la jet-set marbellí, lo cual le quita todo sex-appeal a esa juventud artificialmente lograda, sobre todo si se inyectan los labios, como hizo Linda Evans.

Joan Collins aka Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan (Dinastía)

Otro ejemplo de mujer fabulosamente conservada, que jamás ha intentado parecer una quinceañera sino que sabe que siempre ha tenido y tendrá rostro de mujer de mediana edad y lo sabe potenciar y sacar partido.

Diahann Carroll aka Dominique Deveraux (Dinastía)

Aunque está bien conservada, le ha quedado la clásica cara de “ir en moto“. Aún así no la vamos a crucificar por ello, ya quisieran muchas ser y haber sido tan guapas como ella.

Pamela Sue Martin aka Fallon Carrington Colby (Dinastía)

Me encanta esta chica. La verdadera Fallon (olvidemos a Emma Samms) ha pasado de ser una preciosa jovencita a ser una preciosa mujer. No me atrevería a decir que su excelente estado sea natural o artificial, casi me inclinaría por lo primero, pero he de decir que me encanta verla así.

Espero que os haya resultado edificante el post, seguro que teníais ganas de ver en que condiciones se encontrarían algunos de vuestros ídolos de ese fabuloso género que es el serial, y un humilde servidor ha hecho el trabajo por vosotros.

Como regalito la escena perpetrada por los guionistas de ‘Los Colby’ (Dinastía) en la que a Fallon la secuestran unos ovnis y se la llevan de la serie. Y es que los guionistas no tienen suficiente con matar a sus personajes cuando les conviene, sin contar con los sentimientos de la audiencia, de cambiar a los actores sin previo aviso, de inventarse las excusas más absurdas para sacar hijos y hermanos de donde no los hay, sino que cuando se les acaban las ideas y no saben como deshacerse de un personaje, recurren a los extraterrestres.

Viva el serial.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyWmuMoGCPA

Pictured above Dennis Basso and friends at the opening of his new Madison Avenue store....("The mink earmuffs aren't Basso's but I'm wearing them anyway because I want "that mink hearing".)

BEST PBS SUNRISE CONCERT:

Pictured above "David Broza at Masada" (airs December 2007, on PBS-- check your local listings for day and time)

 BEST  "LIVE ACTION FIGURE"

                           "Good-bye Evel Knievel"

This is what I always thought my job would be like.  Hanging out with celebrities.  In truth it has never been that way... until tonight.  You see, I don't come from a theatre background.  I was hired because of my fundraising experience.  Usually I am as excited to see the show as you are... I almost never go back stage and when I do I feel very out of place and way to shy to actually talk to the celebrities.  But tonight Shirley MacLaine talked to me...

Yes.  Shirley really did take a cab from the airport to her hotel.  We had a car at the airport but she and the driver missed each other and she took a cab.  I was scared to death because I did not know what mood she was going to be in when I met her in the hotel lobby before the show.  Turns out I had nothing to be scared about...

From the moment I introduced myself she was a complete professional and an absolute sweetheart... and sexy to boot!   When I mentioned that the Roaring Fork was filled with diners who were excited about her show, she said "Well let's go in and say hello to them."  So we did.

Then she asked to see the theatre so she could  "make a few adjustments to the lighting and sound if needed."  The moment she stepped onto the stage her comment was, "Oh my what a lovely theatre.  It has such great energy.  What a beautiful space."

Her talk went very well and I think my interview was OK.  She really made me feel at ease and at some point I just realzied I needed to follow her lead.  I certainly didn't expect her to suggest that we should "spend the night" together!!!  That was too funny and several audience members told me they could see me blushing from their seats.  By the way, if you go to this website about Shirley, you will see under the trivia section the part about her "love of horses".  I wasn't making it up.

BUT, here is the great part.  After the show she made an appearance at the Stephen F. Austin for a private meet-and-greet with our Century Club members. After gracioulsy taking pictures and signing autographs she grabbed my hand and simply said, "It's time to go. I need you to lead me out of the room."  So I did.  At the elevator I assumed I was saying good-bye but she grabbed my partner's hand again and said "Aren't the two Kens coming up for a visit?"

So we spent almost three hours with Shirley (she said I could call her that) and her friend Rex from Dallas.  We talked about politics, Hollywood, the Rat Pack, her new book (she gave me her number and told me to call her when I finished it), Austin,  Santa Fe, my daughter, UFOs, Debbie Reynolds, Barbara Walters, Rosie O'Donnell, Kathy Griffin, Joan Collins... my head is swimming.  She ate a ceasar salad... I was afraid I might throw up so I sipped water. 

She wants me to research the possibility of her coming back to do a two-day seminar about all things UFO and such.  She really wanted to go into more detail with the audience at the theatre, but time would not permit.  I think we might see her back in Austin soon.  By the way her website is www.shirleymaclaine.com .

Her new book comes out November 6th.  It is called Sage-ing While Age-ing.

All in all it was a night I will never forget... with a woman I will never forget. 

It is 1AM but I  probably won't fall asleep for hours.

LISTEN NOW!LISTEN NOW!LISTEN NOW!LISTEN NOW!LISTEN NOW!LISTEN NOW!
[audio http://imgoingtokillyou.podomatic.com/enclosure/2007-08-02T23_49_53-07_00.mp3]
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Feel your butt while listening to I'm Going to Kill You!

George joins Edward and Marla in New York City and are off to see Sonic Youth perform the entire album of Daydream Nation in an abandoned pool! (Mccarren park)
Listen as they JOIN IN THE CHANT with crazed Sonic Youth fans.
Listen Sonic Youth engage in onstage banter and an avant-garde noise radio based improv jam!

Then the group goes back to le chateau Edward and Marla, where they are joined by Brett and Jesse. The group is full of excitement/exritement tonight:

• Brett is curious about blue radishes and later recalls a fantasy involving Edwards' anus, rancid fruits, Marla’s shit and George vogueing
• Jesse loves the Glockenspiel, Joan Collins and raping Marla.
• Edward’s paranoia is running rampant, when he’s not busy shushing people he is busy recording Marla’s vagina while Marla is hanging out the window because of “intruders from outside”

• Meanwhile George is actively deconstructing language, gets possessed by his Virginian ancestors and gives us the quote of the week: “The more you have inside yourself, the more knives are slightly touching your anus when you raise your leg to pee.”

Find out all this and more and remember everything is fine until someone get’s entertained on… I’m Going to Kill YOU!

1. BEFRIEND US: http://www.myspace.com/imgoingtokillyoupodcast
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Apparently Lindsay Lohan has decided not to follow in her fellow celebutant’s footsteps and actually turned herself into police on Thursday. Now, if she hadn’t been drunk and done a hit-and-run she wouldn’t be in this position anyway, but at least she’s being mature and a grown up about it been talked into being mature by someone in her entourage. Bonus points that she isn’t pulling a Nicole Ritchie and getting pregnant in an effort to avoid jail time.
She was accompanied by her attorney yesterday when she showed up at the police department to be photographed and fingerprinted. And they were nice enough to release her on her own recognizance – I guess it is kind of hard for her to just disappear with the paparazzi constantly up in her skirt face.
I have a feeling the conversation went something like this…

Agent: LiHo, do you see these mag covers? See how Britney Spears is being portrayed as the next Joan Collins? And do you see how Paris Hilton will live her life in misery after all this? And Nicole Ritchie is going to use her pregnancy to try and avoid jail and now she’s nothing more then page 19 of InTouch? Work with me here LiHo. We have to fix your image or you’ll be doing Lifetime movies with Tori Spelling and Shannon Doherty. And then I will drop you. And the only agent you will be able to get will be Tom Cruises sister? You see how well that worked for him, right?

LiHo: Um, okay. What should I do

Agent: Go take a shower, put on a pair of comfy jeans and a t-shirt, make sure you scrub that crap off your face, don’t forget a bra and underwaer, and please, make them real underwear and not crotchless ones, and get in the car. You’re turning yourself in.

The West End Whingers have been trawling the Internet purely for your edification:

Who'd have thought Liza Minnelli would have her own site? Well the Whingers would actually. Lots of merchandise in the Liza Store and "PLEASE know how much I love and appreciate YOU" (sic), especially if you keep spending.

Whilst on the subject, WEW were actually looking for Rupert Everett but found David Gest. Download wallpapers of David and his amazing showbiz pals!

Chita Rivera, don't skip the extremely funky intro. Interact with her in the Chita Chat section.

Shockingly, Miriam Margolyes seems to be touting for work, maybe it's all gone a bit quiet after Wicked? You can even rent a couple of her properties around the globe. Are things that bad Miriam?

You may wish to turn the sound down for Michael Ball's intro, but clearly his merchandise (jewellery, T-shirts, beenie hats??) is popular as "we're busy re-stocking". It seems money changes everything for Mr Ball.

"The future is bright" for Laura Michelle Kelly claims her website, presumably written before she signed up for The Lord of the Rings - The Musical!

Wayne Sleep modestly displays pictures of himself with the Royals (all female) and celebrities. See Wayne admire tutus with Princess Margaret, see him sandwiched between Shirley Bassey and Liza Minnelli, see him with Neil Kinnock (!) and Bill Oddie (!!)

Richard E Grant is apparently "one of our most cherished actors". Who knew?

Una Stubbs doesn't seem to have a website, but does have merchandise (watercolours) with a particular interest in "Our David", Beckham we presume.

Joan Collins, WEW lay odds you can't resist clicking on her merchandising and the "competitively priced" Joan Collins Eyewear collection.

Stephanie Beacham Her official website is called Simply Stephanie, (.com not available eh Steph ?) in fact there's nothing simple about it at all, glorious kitsch, tons of blue silk and a wonderful florid typeface. Understandably proud of her work for the Littlewoods catalogue but not too proud to sell a photograph signed by her and Patrick Stewart (it's considerably cheaper with simply Stephanie). Does Mr Stewart know the Whingers ask themselves? Don't forget to sign the guest-book or read what previous (presumably edited) visitors have had to say. If you have only time for one make it Simply Stephanie.

This is an unofficial website of Dame Diana Rigg but you can six degree of separation her to any other actor or actress, great time wasting potential. The Whingers tried it with Thelma Ritter and Bella Emberg. It only took 2 degrees of separation with either of them. Fantastic. Off-topic slightly but should you need a Bella Emberg lookalike, here she is. Sadly no Thelma Ritter lookalikes found - yet.

Alan Cumming the fragrance because we like him and it's funny.

And Nicholas Hytner is apparently even busier than the Whingers thought.

Happy browsing.