"Do you like these ones," betsy said.

"no, i don't want any more morphine damit!!" lawrence blasted back.  They traveled onward to a store full of the most d-bag sailors.  They found homage in some sweaters with sultry tatoos printed on them.

"lets go to the beach," said lawrence.  The group split into two and johns and mariel went to the shops for booze, while lawrence, betsy and myself went to the ships quarters.

"Ahhhh fuck my balls!!! there so itchy yelled the black danish settler who was going to the movies with his french latin wife.  mariel and johns remarked back at this person with quiet distain.

Meanwhile...lawrence bought the group of three drinks, and they got shitfaced...they sat and listened to the fat womans bra straggle against her lowely brests.  betsy past out in disgust.

meanwhile again....mariel and johns had started dancing at the city center floor while jews from all about counted there change and laughed a hoot...there was picpockets aloof and they lost all of there money, so they went to the poorhouse for coffee.

meanwhile...im really bored of writing so i'll go to get drunk, peace yall...

]]> http://mrkimble.wordpress.com/?p=86 Thu, 19 Jun 2008 00:18:05 +0000 mrkimble http://mrkimble.wordpress.com/?p=86 Summer is here, and the smell of malt liquor is in the air.  While technically, there is one more week of school left, the students of PS*** have decided that this is simply unnecessary.  Instead, they have elected the playing of practical jokes in its favor.  i.e.:

Sometimes, I take showers at school.  While scrubbing my armpits this morning, I noticed a peculiar fragrance emanating from my bar of soap.  Upon further investigation, this made total sense, as further investigation revealed that my bar of soap was no bar of soap at all, but rather a urinal cake.

I heard once of a prank where students decorated their teacher’s cars in toilet paper and shaving cream.  I’m not sure if our students heard of the same prank or not, but someone came up with the idea today that the faculty’s automobiles might look nice without their hubcaps.  Staff at PS*** do not concur. 

One of our humanities teachers is a seemingly lonely, big, fat, butt-ass ugly woman.  One student thought it would be funny to tell one of the local crackheads that she wanted to suck their dick after school.  It’s a good thing for Mace; otherwise he might have been wrong.     

Kids will be kids; who could blame them for wanting to have a little fun?  For the most part, their shenanigans are not guilty in nature and haven’t so far led to any fatalities.  All the same, if possible to prevent them, it is a teacher’s responsibility to do so.  I couldn’t help but overhear Dante bragging at lunch this afternoon about how he was going to supersoak our principal, Dr. ***.  As the period concluded, I summoned him to my classroom.   

He was impatiently aggravated as he pulled out a chair to sit down.  “What you want, Mr. Kimble?”

“I heard about your little plan, D-Drizzle.”  I looked him in the eyes and shook my head.  “Don’t do it.”

He responded with a threatening glare.  Headlines flashed before my eyeballs – ‘Mr. Kimble shanked 104 times by grouchy student’.  Dante shook his head and said, “What you talking about, Mr. Kimble.  I ain’t got no plan.”   The word, “plan”, was emphasized to the point of salivary projection.

He’s a natural leader, Dante.  Like Napoleon, but not in the complex way that malgened Italians have so eagerly taken to.  Dante is like the Napoleon that led France to dominate Europe in perhaps the country’s only era where being French might not have been embarrassing.  He’s cool; kids look up to him.  He’s never really showed me much notice in the past, but perhaps today I could win him over. 

“You know, I was a bit the prankster myself back in the day.  John the Menace, they used to call me.”  I sighed, and took a short moment to reminisce.  “I drove the teachers wild.  Regular Herman Melville I was.”  I don’t know why I said this.  It sort of just slipped out.  There was no need to worry though; Dante thought George Bush was a type of tree.  “Yes, I’ve done it all.  The supersoak, though, now that’s a classic move.”

Dante’s face contorted.  His guard opened up.  “You been dip dap done supersoak dem hoes?”  Sometimes, I just have no clue what these kids are saying. 

“Oh hell yeah, you bet.”  This is where I get to be cool.  My plan is working marvelously.  “I was the king in my day.”

“Fo real, Mr. Kimble?”

“Shit yeah!  Hell, I used to get my mom once a week.  You see, what I’d do is I’d hide behind the pantry.  Then, when my mom would open it …BAM!!!  I’d soak that sucker.  She acted like she was upset, but really, I could tell she loved it.”

Dante looked a bit shocked.  He was surprised at how cool I used to be.  He thought I was just some boring teacher, but really, we had a lot in common. 

“Mr. Kimble, that’s nasty.”

Months of living in the hood has left me well versed in Ebonics.  This is a compliment of the highest degree.  I have gained Dante’s trust; he will now listen to me.

“Yeah, it is pretty nasty, I’ll be the first to admit.  But you’ve got to be careful, D-Bones, because you can’t just go around shooting anyone.  Some people don’t take it as such a joke.  These sorts of things need to be reserved for after school.  And really, you shouldn’t go around getting anyone other than your closest friends and family.”

…What?  I don’t smell anything.    

From Urban Dictionary:

Advent children then came. And it came right into the mouths of the thirsty whore fans. However, this salty taste was not taken by all as something delicious and easy to swallow. Others spat it, and stormed out like and angry hooker.

I however, ducked.

6/10

We stopped at a Mediterranean spot and enjoyed our pasta until we somehow came upon the topic of "The Unspoken Rules" of marriage. For example, if I were a happily married man, it would be against The Rules for me to go out with another woman without my wife knowing. My friend sees this as a suffocating restriction, (which it really isn't, as it is a matter of respect), so we decided to HBO Zone random people on the street. We spoke to singles, we spoke to couples; we spoke to straights, we spoke to gays; we spoke to the young, we spoke to the elderly; we even spoke to a couple straight from France. Everyone we questioned agreed with me. She won't agree, as I'm now sure she's slightly delusional, but everyone did agree.

As a form of revenge after a severe loss, she took twice as many pictures of physical manifestations of nihilism, and forced me to walk at a pace foreign to me and practically illegal in Manhattan.

After a while, we hit our final destination, enjoyed a few beers, and we discussed, (READ: I spewed endless "Zeinisms"), real-life zombies. Trust me when I tell you, they do exist! I met a girl from OkCupid at the place who had a virtual heart attack because someone recognized her from the very public and free "dating" website. (I'm there to promote my blog. :P)

As is my custom, I ended up pissing my friend off, as I'm wont to do with everyone that comes within earshot of me, but in the end we made up over pizza and jizz. Allow me to explain. We were watching people play pool, when this one guy dropped half a pie of pizza onto the floor. He and his buddies picked up the slices and continued eating them. I expressed disgust, when my friend asked, "What's so bad about the floor? What do you think happened there?" I made the universal motion for jerking off, and made sput-sput sounds with my mouth.

She said, "Pizza and jizz both come from the earth."

Later on we had a slice and wished each other a good night. None of it landed on the floor.

5 Reasons Women Have More To Lose When It Comes To "Choosing."

1. They can't just look at a guy and make the decision on whether or not to fuck him. While they can look at a relatively attractive man* and decide right on the spot that they would marry him or have all of his bastard children (you know, 'cause they'd have good hair and all), this has no bearing on whether or not they'd enjoy fucking him. Why? Because...
2. A man's physical attributes have nothing to do with his performance in the bedroom, living room, kitchen or wherever else the magic happens. (With the possible exception that a muscle-bound man would be able to hold them up against the wall or suspend them on his dick in midair, but all that is in vain if it only lasts 3 minutes.)
3. Size unfortunately, doesn't matter as much it some would have them believe. The pussy is not that deep. Only about 4 inches. So 15 inches of dick is just wasteful. There are a lot of men who are hung like horses who just end up being a pain in the... Well, you get the point. What use is all that dick if it's not used properly? It's like a loaded gun in the hands of someone with Tourette's and an twitchy trigger finger... someone will get hurt.
4. Men are guaranteed (except in extreme circumstances like poor hygiene and poorly timed interruptions - read, her husband/boyfriend/father comes home early) to get off. Which is why they can pretty much fuck anybody they deem "cute enough"** or just anybody in general. It wouldn't matter to them if the girl just laid there. The female orgasm, however, is more elusive. Mostly because...
5. Women are not taught to enjoy sex. Besides the usual, "Wait until your married or at least 'in love'." and "Use protection.", women aren't informed, and therefore, rarely have any expectations about sex. They want it to be good, no doubt. But if you ask them to explain what good sex is... most of them probably couldn't tell you. Or they'll say something generic like they want it to last all night or "he has to be packing" which is bullshit. Most women don't know how to get themselves off. And if the only sexual experiences they've ever had were only mildly pleasurable, regardless of how long it lasted or how hung the guy was, then they eventually come to the conclusion that, "that's all there is to it." Which prevents them from recognizing that they have options and don't have to fuck every asshole with a big dick or every chump who happens to be nice to them.

...the paperback version of Kaare Andrews' Spider-Man: Reign, which rewrites Frank Miller's Batman: The Dark Knight Returns into a Spider-Man story most notable for including the fact that Spider-Man killed off his wife by having sex with her and poisoning her with his radioactive sperm.

Oh Comics Code Authority, where are you now?

I had an appointment today to see my professor and talk about my Contracts final.  Guess who didn't show?  Me....just kidding.  It was him, he's the bastard that didn't show.  I was there...early...well on time anyway.

Next time I see him I'll make sure I tort his ass.  Yeah I did it...I used tort as a verb.  It does sound a little gay doesn't it?  I'm not going to bake fruit pastries on his ass, no...it means a civil wrong. (assault, battery, intentional infliction of emotional distress, false imprisonment, etc...)  Dont take notes on this.

You can commit a tort, but you cannot tort someone.  A tort can be committed on you, but you can not be tort-ted....get the jist?  Spell-check tells me "jist" isn't a word, but apparently this word is...

 Go on click it...you know you want to.   Click Click Click

Jizz is a real word, and no it is not short for jizzum.

The oxford english dictionary (OED for those hip librarians) gives examples of the first time jizz was used in print....this stuff is hilarious

1922 A West Coast Irishman was familiar with the wild creatures which dwelt on or visited his rocks and shores; at a glance he could name them, usually correctly, but if asked how he knew them would reply ‘By their “jizz”.’ What is jizz?..We have not coined it, but how wide its use in Ireland is we cannot say... Jizz may be applied to or possessed by any animate and some inanimate objects, yet we cannot clearly define it. A single character may supply it, or it may be the combination of many. Ibid. 143 Jizz, of course, is not confined to birds. The small mammal and the plant alike have jizz.

1950 Miss Quick obviously looks at her birds more than once and does so with an artist's eye for those peculiarities of shape, outline and stance which give a species its ‘jizz’.

1960  The boy could name any bat at a glance..(an indefinable accomplishment which the late T. A. Coward..once described as ‘jizz’ when speaking of bird identification).

1966  I know only too well the problem of trying to express what there is in a plant that enables me, or you, to tell it from another at sight. The word I use for these intangible characteristics, that defy being put into words, is jizz.

That entire thing is comedy gold. 

The definition of jizz: 

The characteristic impression given by an animal or plant. 

(If you type Jizz in the yahoo picture search you get a much different definition) Promise 

It was over as soon as it started, deciding we were being stupid and it was all pretty much in public, I thought that was it.

I was round his house one night and we ended up playfighting after he was winding me up and I could feel that cock of his through his trousers, and this time i was totally sober and incredibly curious!

I could feel his cock and it didnt feel small, in fact it seemed very large and i suddenly found myself being held down head first in his crotch, feeling his dick through his trouser against my face.

I knew he never wore underwear and im not surprised, i dont think they make underwear that could hold it!

He then started striping me and we were on his living room floor, kissing and fondling and then came the time that i knew was arriving, my mouth filled with his length, my lips stretched over the width as he grabbed my head and pulled it down, I was so glad that I was born into this world without a gag reflex because I took the whole thing deep into my throat, it stopped me breathing for a short while but it was so incredibly horny that i didnt mind the slight asphyixa, it heightened my senses and made it feel even better as he was sticking his finger inside my arse, playing with my prostrate and making me moan.

I knew I was going to come soon and I told him to stop but he chuckled and said no as he fingered me and wanked and sucked me off till i came, wave after wave of spunk shooting all over my face, chest and mouth and most of it over my shoulders or into my hair.

Amazing, and that wasn't the only time!

I'm a young, gay, single man living in the UK, I live in a city that has produced some of the words greatest minds and also provided me with some of the best, and worst sexual experiences of my life.

I remember the first time I tasted cock, I was cramped up and kneeling in the small area of a cars passenger seat, my legs cramping up, so tremendously awkward. I remember feeling the hot throbbing rod pulsating and feeling my own cock oozing with precum, I was sucking cock, something I'd had many wank fantasies about, and now I was making this a reality.

We'd met that night at a local gay bar, I was tipsy and talking at about 100mph when one of my friends told me that there was someone at the bar who wanted to talk to me, I was too drunk to be shy so I ran over and introduced myself, we talked and then ended up leaving in his car and driving around the city looking for a quiet spot to get to know each other better, after about 20 minutes we settled for a spot we thought would be perfect and we both undressed, I remember looking at his cock as the blood was pumping into it, seeing it dance to his heartbeat.

I kissed him slowly, letting my mouth explore his and felt his warm hands wrapping around my meat, all this was new to me so I mirrored his actions and grasped his, it was hard and thick, and it felt hot and sticky, i pulled myself away from his lips and looked at it, that was it i had to let the fantasies of sucking off horny guys become fabric.

I moved closer towards his meat, and within seconds I was sucking and licking it like a cherry flavoured lollipop, I couldn't get enough and it was then I discovered that I had been blessed with not having a gag reflex (something you'll here more about).

It was over before it had started, he suffered from premature ejaculation and i remember hearing him breathing more intense and feeling my mouth fill up with his load, I swallowed, I wasn't about to waste the fantasy, it tasted salty and I loved every drop.

He then decided to suck me off, now, that was good, yeah really good, he was taking my thick dick deep into his mouth and playing with my balls, I felt like i was in heaven and he was telling me he wanted me to cum in his mouth.

"Sure" i thought to myself, I'll be returning the favour.

I felt my cock explode inside his mouth and i could here him swallowing it like it was a vanilla milkshake.

I've always been a heavy cummer, since the first time I came, it always ends up very messy!

When I had finished emptying my spunk into his eager mouth, he looking at me and said...

"Wow! I have never had to swallow so much cum before"

"There's a first time for everything" I said.

We carried on seeing each other for a while after our night of car loving, meeting up, sucking each other off wherever we thought we could but we parted and I never saw him until 3 years later.

He's married now, typical eh?

Lisa, it's at this moment you realize the captain of the football team is never going to call and you will never experience an orgasm.