south africa jubilant

what a sporting weekend its been! and is there anything better than a sporting comeback!

this weekend, after set-backs in cricket and rugby, both our teams came back fighting and it was a joy to see.

the rugby

new zealand don't lose at home. fact (for that matter new zealand very rarely lose at all) up until this weekend new zealand had gone 30 games unbeaten at home, which is a long time if you consider that they only play about 4 matches at home every year. and before that they had a similar long stretches of home dominance.

ricky januarie you beauty!

that home dominance continued last week when they beat south africa 19-8, but this weekend we came back - and how. not only did we come back after losing the previous weekend, we were also a man down and 28-23 down with 5 minutes left of the game. that was before ricky januarie burst through the all black defence, chipped the ball ahead, collected it, and scored for the springboks!

sweet, sweet victory.

the cricket

south africa have just started their test series of england and, as a south african living in england, you can imagine this is a special series for me - even more so because the when we last played england i had just arrived in england. we drew that series and it was bitterly hard to take after we had dominated for so much of it! this time i want us to win.

i also want jacques kallis to do well. this is a big year for him. this may be his last tour of the three best cricket nations (alongside south africa, of course) and i want him to give them something to remember him by. also, regardless of that, any year in which you play india, england and australia is a very big year indeed and a player who does well in a year like that will earn a huge amount of respect.

he didn't, by his own standards, have the best tour of india - but he did at least score a century which is the benchmark of success. i want (and i'm sure he does too) him to do better against england. it would also be that little bit more special because i am living in england now.

i'll be going to one of the games in summer, either the one in edgebaston or the one at the oval and hopefully i'll get a chance to see him bat!

so - back to the issue of comebacks! thursday was the start of the test series and by saturday our boys were in the deepest and darkest of mires...

the england batsmen smashed our bowlers to all parts of the field

england had posted an immense score of 593 and when we batted on saturday we capitulated to a paltry 247. we were in deep, deep trouble and under huge pressure. in this scenario 99% of the time teams in our position lose. they usually only manage a score of around 330 or so and lose without the other team having to bat again.

our batsmen caved in under the pressure

south africa faced a monumental task. in these conditions there is simply no way they can pass england's score and gain a lead that england couldn't reach - the only option is to aim for a draw. and that would mean doing what we couldn't do on saturday, bat for a day and a half, and this time under far more pressure.

so what did our boys do? they fought back! where on saturday we lost all 10 of our wickets in one day on sunday we lost just 1. just one. it was brilliant.

graeme smith celebrates his century

sambit bal, who writes for cricinfo, described it very well:

Seen in isolation, this was a pitifully dull day, the kind that can be used to illustrate why the longer form is an anachronism in these pacy times. Runs were scarce, wickets scarcer. Fifty-four runs came in the first session, 61 in the second; fours were occasional and there was no hint of a six. But Test cricket is all about context, and in the context of this match, and the series, it was a compelling day: slow, but always simmering; lacking in action, but not plot and intrigue. It was just the kind that makes watching Test cricket a varied, rich and rewarding experience. If South Africa manage to draw this Test, it will be counted among the greatest of escapes in the history of the game, and this seemingly dull day will be regarded as the one that made it possible.

Graeme Smith and Neil McKenzie mounted the most monumental of fightbacks. The wicket remained benign but the pressure was so enormous that it tested the character of these batsmen to the limit. Batting is only half about skills; it was the mental aspect that made the contribution of the opening pair remarkable. All through their vigil, they played with the knowledge that their team was only a mistake away from disaster, and they fashioned their response accordingly.

(go here for the full article)

the job isn't done yet, but we now have a very good chance of saving this test match. and if we do it'll be a famous one!

oh, and did i mention jacques kallis may still have a part to play in it all? yessiree... he's next in to bat and it'd be just brilliant if he can play a part in helping south africa to safety!

By hardhitting journalism, I mean, me talking shit about a weird dream I had the other night.  It basically involved a cricketer of some repute following me around for eternity, performing his best shot, everytime I needed a pick me up.  So I shall expand on that weird night, and add what I would have all of the The England and South African team doing if each of them had to stick by my side.

1 Alastair Cook

This young buck will apply eyeliner to me or my friends whenever required.  He's obviously very adept at this.  See here for more.

2 Andrew Strauss

He will wear a biggles outfit during the day, with the flappy scarf and things, entertaining my republican army.  When required posh lad will dress up in full evening suit, and smoke cigarettes through an antique cigarette holder, whilst supplying me with the finest brandies, wines and champagnes.  It will be a suave double team, and a bally good show.

3 Michael Vaughan (capt)

Mr Vaughan is bound for life to perform a classy cover drive when I need him to, and to miss a straight one when I need a laugh.  Good times.

4 Kevin Pietersen

KP is required to watch while I make love to his wife for all of eternity.  See Morne Morkel's details for added extras to this scenario.  Strauss will also be in the corner, pouring my drinks and keeping me in cigarettes for the night!

5 Ian Bell

This little fuckstick is to throw roses at my feet until the end of time.  Just like those lovely ladies in Coming to America.

6 Paul Collingwood

Is to forever follow me, as leader of Suave's ageing ginger all-rounder army.  He will protect me from abybody silly enough to attack our beloved and benevolent Suave leader.

7 Tim Ambrose (wk)

Wanky wicky is to stay behind me at all times in case I drop anything.  I lose on average about £30 a month, dropping money out of my pockets.  Little wanky wicky will stop all that, and give ole Suave another lunchtime on the pop a month. Well done that boy.

8 Stuart Broad

Young broadywoady pudding and pie, is to spend the rest of his days making sure Suave's hair is in a perfectly coiffured state.  This bucl already spends so much time on his own hair, I'm sure he'll service mine beautifully.

9 Ryan Sidebottom

Mr Sidebottom will accompany Suave to every gig he goes to in futues, and will supply the hair when I cut mine off.  Whenever I cut my hair short, the thing I hate most about gigs, is not being able to shake the hair.  Ryan will provide this service.

10 Monty Panesar

Any and every time Suave performs something of note, of excellence (as you can imagine this would be an extremely busy job for the montster), he will high five me in his inimitable way.  Wahey Monty!

11 James Anderson

Will be permanently by my side, until I've learnt what makes him the quick, snplayable bastard he can be. Once I've learnt that, I will train him to do that EVERY time he plays.

1 Graeme Smith (capt)

Bear like left hander, will spend time immortal licking the shit off my shoe, every time I inadvertently tread in some bastard dogs do doo.

2 Neil McKenzie

Old mentalist is to be by my side to ensure that my madness pales in to insignificance next to his, the crazy arsed fucker.  I have a reasonably small version of OCD.  So Mackenzie would make me look normal.

3 Hashim Amla

Amla is to join me on every flight with a budget airline I ever take from now on.  He will sit by the window, I will sit on the aisle seat, guarenteeing that no fat, smelly people sit in the middle, and I can stretch out to my hearts content, or until people stop worrying that bearded muslims are going to blow up any and every motherfucking that moves.

4 Jacques Kallis

This boring twat is to break down an innnings of his, every time I suffer from insomnia, so that Suave can keep his beauty sleep to the necessary 8 hours.   Instant karma, Suave is still beautiful.  I win.

5 Ashwell Prince

Ashwell is to do a similar job to JK but for afternoon naps.  He will come out to bat, and instantly send me into a lovely deep afternoon snooze.

6 AB de Villiers

Vehement letter C denier, will be my golf partner, if I ever take up the stupid, boring, fucking aimless game.  As a scratch golfer, he'll be able to cover up my inadequecies and ensure that Suave still looks Suave in plus fours.

7 Mark Boucher (wk)

This wicket keeper is to stand behind any of my annoying colleagues constantly chirping in their ears, whenever the fuckers start telling me about their love of computer games, porn or cars.  Boucher will chirp away at them, telling them what useless lives they have, and that they should remove their gene pool from society.

8 Morne Morkel

Supervillain is required to laugh maniacally whenever I get the rage, and anything Evil is about to happen.  Which as most of you lot have realised, is quite regularly.  Get that larynx working you big fucker!

9 Paul Harris

It's getting a struggle now, fuck me.  Paul Harris appears to have no talents at all, so I'm going to stick him behind my private bar, to serve me drinks for the rest of time.  Most of my local pubs now have saffers behind the ramp, and they work hard, so that's it for this left arm tweaker.

10 Dale Steyn

To bowl fiery full, swinging deliveries into the legs of anyone getting in my way whilst walking.  Suave is a very quick walker, and hates slow people getting in his way.  Utilising his pace, will clear the way for me to get where i'm going in good time

11 Makhaya Ntini.

What can I get the convicted rapist to do, for ole suavey wauvey?  I don't need any rape in my life thank you very much.  As Ntini likes to run from the ground to his hotel after tests, I will use him in emergency traffic situations, if I happen to get stuck in traffic anywhere, Ntini is to turn up and piggy back me to my destination.

I'm spent now, business hours are over!  It's business, it's business time!

Shamone motha fucka, hee hee..

I'm a bad invisible teeth cutting out motha fucka, check yo'self!

That is all!

Getting a close fought Test match between two supposedly mismatched teams is hard enough, but to have two of them happen at around the same time in two different matches in two different continents is, well, fantastic.

In most pre-match reviews, the fancied teams, Australia and England, were supposed to stomp all over the bottom rankers of the ICC Test table, West Indies and New Zealand, respectively, and prove once again, why Test cricket is boring and IPL is not.

Fortunately, the pundits have been proved wrong again.

Daniel Vettori's New Zealanders fought off England in a rain-affected match before threatening England with a follow-on on home turf. In the end, England did manage to score the 290-odd required to stave off the ignominy of going one-down at home, but it was thrilling stuff.

On the other side of the Atlantic, another dogged effort by Shivnarine Chanderpaul inspired the West Indies into giving Australia more than a run for their money, threatening to extend Australia’s loss/draw sequence to three!

Only a small mater of 287 runs stands between them and a stunning victory that will no doubt be cheered by pretty much every Test supporter in the world (Aussies included).

More than the contest itself, the cricket on display has been thrilling and engrossing (yes, even compared to IPL). A true cricket fan (such as yours truly) has a hard time switching between three channels at night trying to get all the action.

For those who predicted the death of Test cricket, matches like these are an all-you-can-eat word buffets.

Granted they will probably not get the kind of eyeballs the IPL is getting in India, but the rest of the world will tune in, once the IPL is over, of course. West Indies may yet choke, and Andrew Strauss did take England home, but the matches have been engrossing and evenly matched.

More interestingly, the players who have performed in the Tests have been those willing to go aggressive and, remarkably, the list of fifty getters and wicket takers in both matches is filled with IPL returnees.

Brendon McCullum, Jacob Oram, Daniel Vettori, Kyle Mills and Ross Taylor have attacked and driven off the threat of seam, swing and bounce from English bowlers. Likewise, Vettori has used guile and attacking fields to torment English batsmen on seemingly placid surfaces, with Jacob Oram contributing with the ball as well.

Across the “pond”, apart from Chanderpaul’s heroics, Dwanye Bravo’s all-round performance and Ramnaresh Sarwan with some aggressive captaincy have ensured that West Indies are more than just “competitive” against the formidable Australians, for whom surprise, surprise, Andrew Symonds, Brad Hodge and Ricky Ponting have scored fifties and one blistering hundred, while Brett Lee has made the ball sing.

All of the above players are established performers but the fact of all of them performing at the same time is too much to be attributed to form and coincidence alone. Maybe, it is too early to tell, but as one who recently “converted” to Twenty20 cricket, but believes that it can and should co-exist with Test cricket, this is most heartening.

Younger players like Bravo and Taylor have admitted that the stint in IPL, alongside with the likes of Tendulkar, Jayasuriya, Pollock, Dravid, Kallis and Chanderpaul have helped them in no small measure to improve their cricket.

One can only hope that the same is true of the Indian domestic cricket players. But, if the performance of the IPL stars in the Tests is anything to go by, then Test cricket, ironically, will be the better for it.

Come Thursday May 15, the England's international season begins with the First Test at Lord's. Despite this date being historically very early, after ten days of unbroken sunshine in London and Sunday's conclusion to football's Premier League, it feels about right. With no Home nation qualifying for football's Euro 2008 tournament and the Olympics mired in drug-tainted public apathy (along with very few British gold medal hopes to build a narrative), cricket has an opportunity to stamp the English sporting summer with its identity for the first time since the entire nation seemed to stop for Ashes in the heady days of 2005.

But it hasn't got off to a good start. The one English cricketer who energises the floating sports fan, Andrew Flintoff, is out of the first two Tests (and, most likely, the series) due to a side strain. It's hard to tell whether such an injury is "one of those things" or related to his admirable desire to prove his bowling fitness for Lancashire. That's the problem with Flintoff - he's always trying too hard or living too hard. It endears him to the public, but it must infuriate coaches. At least we do know that judges as experienced as Justin Langer opine that Flintoff the bowler is not yet consigned to the history books.

England's other injury doubt is Paul Collingwood, the victim of a bad shoulder. The Trumpet laments reports that Colly has been given a cortisone injection in order to play - how that drug is not defined as "performance-enhancing" and how players can consent to play with the pain covered, but not cured, is beyond me. Were it the deciding Test of the Ashes, there may, just may, be a case, but the First Test vs NZ?

Despite some bandying around of names like Rob Key and Michael Carberry, England's selectors have given the established top order the chance to repeat their series win of just a few months ago - that has to be right. Michael Vaughan retains the captaincy, but needs a score or two to silence the doubters.

Amongst the bowlers, the recall of Matthew Hoggard has pleased his legion of fans who believe that this wholehearted cricketer was harshly treated in New Zealand, dropped after one lacklustre performance. He may not yet make the final cut, but if he does get a run, expect his mix of canny outswing, in-dippers and cutters to be far too much for the Kiwis' fragile top order. With Sidebottom and Broad inked in, England must perm any two from Panesar, an in-form Anderson and Hoggy to round off the bowling battery. The Trumpet favours going with an all seam attack in May at Lord's, but expects that Jimmy Anderson will be carrying the drinks.

And New Zealand? The usual mix of batsmen who bat like bowlers and bowlers who bat like batsmen. Their best (perhaps only chance) is to pile up a first innings lead quickly with the powerhouse late middle order of Oram, McCullum and Vettori supplementing the exciting Ross Taylor which will allow their pop gun, but disciplined, attack the chance to prey on English Lord's nerves. It would be so different were New Zealand's big beast not banned - no, not Jesse Ryder, 90mph man Shane Bond. The BCCI have their shiny IPL bauble now and should no longer object to the ICL rebels being chosen for their Test XIs. Bond is a once in a generation bowler for NZ and is in England playing for Hampshire - heads should be knocked together and the man should play.

The Trumpet is not complacent, but cannot see anything beyond a 3-0 win for England - if the weather holds. You can't win too many Tests from 191-5 and 115-5 (as NZ did in Hamilton) with Wellington's 113-5 and 173-5 and Napier's 119-5 and 172-5 just not good enough for a top order worthy of the name. The South Africans lurk for the second half of the summer - Kallis might get those scores himself.

As fellow blogger Apurv notes, there seems to be very little sympathy for Dravid, and that after a desperate yet scintillating, classical-cricket knock against Kings XI Punjab (which is btw, the most uninspired name). After seeing all the nothing-shots and slogs going for four and getting applause, it was a goose-bump moment to see Dravid almost effortlessly cut and drive so beautifully. That 66 off 50-odd balls was a treat to watch and would have been worth its weight in gold if only the other batsmen chipped in. So dismal was the showing of the Bangalore team against Mohali, that apart from Dravid's 66 and Kohli's 30-odd, the 10 extras conceded was the next highest and the third double-digit score. They were in soup - duck soup (pun intended).

Most bloggers and media folk seem to be baying for Dravid's blood with every loss. Granted, he got some of team selection wrong and is not the most inspired captains; but he would have expected a bit more support from the Test greats. Kallis has been a flop with the bat and ball and Boucher as unpredictable as the weather. Of the entire lot, Praveen Kumar and Zaheer Khan have given most bang for the buck.

In hindsight, it is fairly easy to speculate on the droopy-shouldered Bangalore team. Perhaps the knife had hanging at their throats for sometime now. One could almost sense that from Dravid and Zaheer's desperate efforts. When the chips are down, nothing inspires more that trust and nothing deflates more that threats: a simple management principle that most people learn only when it's too late.

Maybe this just goes to prove that people should stick to what they know best. Like I had mentioned before Cricket run by business men is like Tech companies run by those who don't know more than a few buzzwords (and look for returns just as team is formed).

With such being the state of affairs, one can only feel sorry for the never-say-die man Rahul Dravid. :(

Captain Rahul Dravid, confused to the point of not knowing his own place in the batting order, called correctly at the toss but his decision to field was a poor one. The pitch was slow and not difficult for batting with little seam or swing and the Delhi top order of Sehwag, Gambhir and Dharwan took full advantage.

The three of them added 160 of the team's score of 191/5 with Sehwag run out at the end of the fifth over for 24, Dharwan freakishly caught at mid off by Dravid at the end of the fifteenth for an even 50 and Gambhir showing his class top scoring with 86 before throwing his wicket away in the hurly burly of the penultimate over.

Regardless of the format, snaring the opposition top three cheaply is the key to success and Delhi were well on their way to victory after Glenn McGrath had Bangalore reeling, cleverly taking three wickets in his first three overs. Sehwag returned him to the attack with four overs remaining whereupon he took his fourth consecutive wicket of the innings.

Prior to that crucial breakthrough the uber-experienced pair of Kallis and Dravid had rebuilt the innings batting ten overs while adding 87 to give Bangalore some hope of pulling off an unlikely victory. Dravid played some beautiful shots straight from the textbook including an exquisite memorable late cut but eventually the pressure of continually chasing nine an over was too great. When he fell Bangalore were 135/4 still requiring 57 from 27 balls which may have been possible except that Sehwag had patiently saved Daniel Vettori's final two overs for the death.

Vettori was hardly hit off the square all evening instinctively changing his pace and trajectory while making subtle changes in length so that no batsman could get his measure. Both he and McGrath put on a masterclass of limited overs bowling and Delhi's decision to stack their bowling with imports is proving a wise one.

Bangalore, on the other hand, have erred in their selections both before the auction and after. How Pakistani T20 legend Misbah-ul-Haq can be continually left out of the first XI is a mystery. Last night Bangalore's four imports were Kiwi Ross Taylor and the South African trio of Jacques Kallis, Mark Boucher and Dale Steyn. Taylor now departs for England so perhaps coach Prasad and Dravid will belatedly include Misbah but I feel it is too little too late. Chanderpaul is also waiting in the wings for a start and unless Boucher or Kallis is dropped there will never be a spot for both.

Experimentation seems to be the norm at Bangalore however not with team selection but with the batting order. You need a settled line-up to succeed and Dravid has been the worst offender. He has opened and also batted as low as number seven. If the captain does not understand his place it is hardly surprising that the team is losing and often from winnable positions.

Last night Praveen Kumar, a lower-order batsman at best, was sent out to open and predictably an old fox like McGrath removed him quickly and efficiently. Kumar is a good prospect and a clean hitter but to succeed against the likes of experienced and proven world-class bowlers you need a solid technique. Basically, Bangalore threw the youngster to the wolves and the time has come for the brains trust at Bangalore to make some hard decisions and stick with them.

It is all too clear that the team is out of balance and the onus of restoration lies with Dravid and what role he plays. Should he open with a dasher like Boucher? For Jaffer and Dravid in partnership are not dynamic enough for the shortened format.

Should he instead take the gloves from Boucher creating an extra place for an import? Rahul is servicable behind the stumps and with Kumble assisting in the field perhaps a radical move could help them turn the corner.

Should Dravid as he did last night bat in the middle-order never taking the game by the scruff of the neck but providing support to the batters around him?

Should he resign as captain and hand the reins to Kumble? Or should he just pack it in and retire?

These are questions that need answering urgently as Bangalore will be out of contention by the halfway stage if the confusion and lack of a plan continue. It's never pleasant to witness a champion out of his depth and on his last legs. For his team's and his own reputation I hope that Rahul Dravid can find his feet and develop a strategy before it is too late.

Earlier in the day, Gautam Gambhir and Shikar Dhawan batted beautifully to push the Delhi daredevil's score to 191/5 of 20 overs. Gautam Gambhir scored a fluent 86 off 54 balls an Shikar Dhawan scored 50 off 33 balls. As for Royal Challengers, Jacques Kallis ( 54 off 44 balls ), Rahul Dravid ( 38 off 30 balls ) and Mark Boucher ( 31 off 17 balls ) played notable knocks which took them to the verge of victory and they crumbled again to loose the game closely by 10 runs. A lot of thinking has to be done by the Bangalore Royal Challengers and its high time they bring in Misbah-Ul-Haq to bolster their line-up.

Bangalore Royal Challengers put their opening IPL defeat behind them as they recorded a 5 wicket win against Mumbai at Wankede Stadium.

A late South African onslaught from Jacques Kallis (25) and Mark Boucher (39 n.o) saw Bangalore home after Mumbai batted first reaching 165-6 from their 20 overs.

Robin Uthappa was the star for Mumbai, as he hit 48 from 38 balls before being stumped by Boucher off Balachandra Akhil. Sachin Tendulkar could not feature due to injury but Shaun Pollock blazed a late 28 from just 12 balls to give Mumbai a competitive total.

Despite losing five wickets in the reply, all the Bangalore batsmen chipped in with some runs with captain Rahul Dravid scoring 32 before Kallis and Boucher blazed 55 from 31 balls to help get Bangalore home with two balls to spare. Harbhajan Singh's 36-2 off his 4 overs not enough to prevent defeat for Mumbai.

Final result: Bangalore Royals won by 5 wickets.

Watch all the wickets below:

Given that the Bangalore Royal Challengers were favourites for the whole thing ahead of the match, their collapse to 82 all out (with extras the top scorer) makes them look pretty silly.

The Leading Cricketer in the World made eight runs.

You can see highlights here and here.

Bangalore, who are officially "The Most Boring C*nts In The World", really shouldn't win a game in this tournament, with players like Dravid, Kallis & Chanderpaul.

Kolkata have lost the services of Shoaib Akhtar after his five year ban, but have Ishant Sharma & Umar Gul, the wily Murali Kartik and David Hussey.

As I'm on holiday, with little access to Internet, or results, I've got no f*cking idea who's won.

I'll guess it was Knight Riders, and they win by three wickets or thirty runs.

If I'm wrong, then the world is stupid.

If I'm right, then the world is ace, and everyone except me is a doodyhead.

It comes at a time when Bangalore have already have problems with missing players such as Dale Steyn, Misbah-Ul-Haq and Abdul Razzaq all missing due to other commitments. However Jacques Kallis and Mark Boucher are available to start despite fears of them having to leave to play in a tournament at home.

MS Dhoni captained the Indians, in the absence of Anil Kumble. he performed rather well, I thought. He had Singh open the bowling, which worked a treat.

As expected, on a pitch that's slow, with uneven bounce, and a raging turner, Harbhajan Singh performed admirably. Virender Sehwag also proved an excellent support act, after the little leggy, Chawla (must have been busy with his lusty thoughts, all leggies are lusty, some lusties are leggies, therefore all leggies are lusty, or some such gubbins), proved to be shit.

Viru's first delivery of his first spell, ripped, spat, bit, called Kallis' lovemaking in to question, molested his sister, fornicated with his Aunty, and had him caught off the glove by Jaffer.

Not bad for a part-time off-spinner. No lust there, offies are not lusty. They're dusty,

Any way, it ended up a drawn series, which was a good recovery from India, after getting spanked in the first test

Heroes & Villains

Heroes

Saurav Ganguly.  His first innings 87 really was outstanding, and gave India the lead they needed to turn over the chokers.

Virender Sehwag.  Just because. No more needs to be said.

Ishant Sharma.  For being a gangly freak, who bowls nicely and looks like a praying mantis.

MS Dhoni.  For being captain marvel, and saving India's blushes with some inspired skippering.

Villains

The whole South African team, for being South african.

Paul Harris.  For being a worse spinner than India's part timers.  Fucking hell man, you get paid to SPIN and take wickets.  On a raging turner, with uneven bounce, most spinners would be looking at four or five wickets per innings.  He took 4-147.  Wanker.

This outdated test cricket can be quite good, you know.

The team most affected, will be the Bangalore Royal Challengers who have Steyn, Boucher and Kallis in their ranks.

This means that the South Africans are set to miss as much as 25% of their pay. Jacques Kallis in particular will loose as much as USD 200,000. The Bangalore Royal Challengers will be the worst hit as they would miss Kallis, Dale Steyn and Mark Boucher. The South Africans will be in the fray from April 25.

Surely no-one can argue with the inclusion of Chanderpaul, though? If anyone tries, he might pull out his revolver. In any case, he's bound to be excited - he obviously loves awards.

In the batting rankings, too, South Africans feature prominently, with Kinky Kallis at number 2, much higher than India's highest entry at number 12.

Does this mean South Africa are officially better than India? At Test cricket, probably, especially now some of the Indian players might be a little distracted by the large piles of money on offer in the IPL.

Since India were bowled out for 76 on the first morning of this test match, there was only going to be one outcome. In truth, it would have needed a batting performance of superhuman standards to rescue this game.

The Proteas took a lead of over 400 into the second innings after AB de Villiers and Jacques Kallis shared a stand of 256. They came together with the score at 116-4, and together they methodically took the game away from the Indians. Kallis batted his way to 132, but the more impressive innings was given by the number 6. Ab de Villiers looked at ease working the spinners around, and brought up his first double-century. He was left on 217 not out when Graeme Smith declared on the morning of the third day.

It needed a big score from one of the Indian batsmen, but only Sourav Ganguly and MS Dhoni contributed with 87 and 52 respectively. Dale Steyn added to his five wickets in the first innings with another three in the second, including the prize dismissal of Ganguly. Makhaya Ntini took three in each innings, drastically improving his fortunes from the first test.

It was South Africas largest test win against India, and one that is being blamed on the upcoming IPL. It is difficult to tell whether these sentiments are true, or whether SA truly are the contenders to Australia's crown. India certainly looked lethargic, especially on that first morning. Their players either have one eye on the IPL, or the functions they have been attending to promote it have worn them out.

Day 1 saw the Indian Batsmen faling like the nine pins. Some of those were a beauty but mostly it was due to the shots that they played on these tracks. This again questions the ability of the Indians to adapt quickly to the tracks. Had they had that ability, they would have played better. Not that the Indian Batsmen aren't good, but theie lack of application did cause their downfall.

After being bowled out for 20 overs on Day 1, Indians had a lot of work in their hand. Rather they let go the South Africans when they weren't able to pick up quick wickets. The South Africans had all the time in the world to score big and thats what they did. They shouwed how to apply oneself and play on such tracks. Jacques Kallis and Ab DeVillers were outstanding.

Even in the second outing, the Indians couldn't do much with three days of possible play. The Indians tried their best to postpone the defeat rather than to play themselves into the game. They were left gasping for air and were thoroughly outplayed. This has already left a couple of questions to the selectors asking for whether this was the best team that they could get in. Well, wasn't this the same team that did well downunder and the first test here?

Anyways thats a different question. Here are some of the other information about this Test match which the Indians should think about :

• Giving the South Africans enough time to have a look of our bowlers
• Giving away the momentum
• Giving South Africans the much needed confidence
• It is learnt that Anil Kumble didn't like the green top and yet decided to bat first. He did the same at Perth. But there, they were mentally prepared to take on green tops. Here they were expecting turning tracks and Batsmen friendly tracks that caused their downfall.
• The Indian attack had no teeth or bite in them.
• On Day 2, under the clod cover, the Indians started of the proceedings with their spin twins showing the Captain's lack of confidence on seamers. Or was it the over-confidence on their ability.

Clearly Anil Kumble was made to think differently. Here are the other stats :

• This was South Africa's highest victory margin against the Indians.
• Greame Smith has equalled Hansie Cronje's record of 27 Test victories under his leadership.
• This is India's third defest under 3 days against the South Africans, their 17th overall.
• The only high point for Indians was that they broke the record for the highest score in a day at Motera when they scored 328.
• Saurav Ganguly made his highest score against the South Africans when he scored 87 surpassing his 73 at Johannesburg.

Clearly Indians had nothing going their way.

India, after capitulating so terribly on the first day's play, have metaphorically been handed their arses on a plate, by an angry South Africa.

I reckon they were pissed off at having to bowl for three days on a shitty road, in the last test match. No fast bowler likes that sort of thing.

So they took their frustrations out on India in this one.

India have lost by an innings at 90 runs, inside three days. Ha!! That's appalling. (To any of my Indian viewers, feel free to abuse me all you like, if SA do the same to The England, in this summers forthcoming test series!)

All round, this is a shoddy performance, from an overworked side. These guys should be looking for a rest after this test series, but they won't get one, as the greedy f*ckers have all jumped on the IPL's big bucks wagon..

Winners

Vehement letter C denier, A B De Villiers, scored a superb double century, and was ably supported by the most boring batsmen, ever to have lived, Jacques Kallis (close run thing between Kallis and Boycott, but Boycott edges him out, by being a funny old bastard).

The best quick in world cricket at present, Dale Steyn also took 8 wickets in the match, with superb pace bowling. He mixes his length, pace, and angles superbly, and looks so much smarter than most other quicks. He's got about three different paced bouncers, which is horrible to face as batsman. Averaging 21.41 with a strike rate of 35. Scarily good.

Makhaya (I never touched her) Ntini. A good display from their most experienced bowler, with six important wickets in the match.

Irfan Pathan. Ended the match with 64 no. Two innings, not out both times. However, like the rest of the Indian fasts, he was poor with the ball.

Losers

The Indian top four. Jaffer, Sehwag, Dravid & Laxman. 109 runs from two innings, from that quartet of quality. That's shit, with a capital SHIT!

The Indian pace attack. Sreesanth, RP Singh & Pathan. Three quick bowlers took 2 for 249. Compare that to South Africa's quartet, who took 19 for 309, and you see where it all went wrong.

Conclusion

Gary Kirsten has a shit load of work to do before the final test, if India are to salvage a drawn series here. They will be missing Sachin again, so the top four really need to step up. Sehwag's OK, after his mammoth score last test, but Jaffer, Dravid & Laxman need to start scoring big, and scoring at a decent clip.

Their fast bowlers look out of sorts, RP Singh especially, he's looked shit in both of these test matches, and really needs to up his game, to return to the form he showed against The England last summer.

Virender Sehwag was at his devastating best who is making his comeback. He showed his ability in the final test at Adelaide with a blistering 150+. He has come back here and has played what is rated as the bestTest innings that has been played in recent times. He played a flawless knock. Not once did he offer a chance to the South Africans. It was totally chanceless.

He played from dawn to dusk with equal enthusiasm and aggression. Rather he was going great guns as time went by. His first 100 came off 119 balls, his second off 82 balls and his third off 80 balls. Not only this, he also closed in on his milestone with lusty blows just like he did in Multan exactly four years ago. His attitude is what rocks. He said that he wanted to prove a point after being dropped out of the team.

This inspired him to prove that he belongs to this place and is here to rule it. He was particularly destructive against Paul Harris. He was bowling outside the leg stump so as to cut down the run flow. But Virender Sehwag was in a different frame of mind and played some stunning shots with the spin, against the spin, reverse sweep, what not. He scored more than 100 runs against Paul Harris.

Rahul Dravid on the other hand was a beauty and was all class. Initially he was struggling, but once he got himself in, his defence was as solid as it can be. South Africans couldn't do anything. He built his innings slowly but steadily. The crowd was behind Virender Sehwag and also wanted to see Sachin, they didn't love Dravid's innings. But yet he kept his calm and played in a manner that he knows best.

It was like seeing beauty and the beast at the same time. Totally different class acts at each end and complementing each other. Both remained unbeaten on Day 3. Day 4 saw the crowd full of enthusiasm expecting a 400 from Sehwag. But he fell when on 319. Sachin Tendulkar walked in with a huge roar and left the stadium without troubling the scorers.

Meanwhile Rahul Dravid went on to complete his 10,000th Test run when on 80. He then acknowledged the crowd and his family who were also present. He was so very expressive and his expressions told the whole story abouhis struggle for the last 1,000 runs he scored. He admitted that this last 1,000 runs was a learning curve for him.

India were finally bowled out for 627 after a devastating spell from Dale Steyn. South Africa started the second innings and Greame Smith kicked off to 20 quickly. But then Harbhajan Singh got him. Day 5 didn't have too much in it. But Neil McKenzie went on to score 155* which was built beautifully. In due course India also got rid of Hasim Amla, Kallis and Ab DeVillers. The match finally ended in a tame draw.

None the less, we have seen some incredible batting performances and that might set the tone for the rest of the series. It was an ideal platform for both the teams to get their eye in. Fittingly, Virender Sehwag was named as the Man Of The Match for his stunning performance.

Rahul Dravid :

On March 28,2008,Virender Sehwag created history.March 28 is quite important for him.It was on March 28, 2004 that he took his first triple-century.

Twenty eight is his fate number.

Again,on January 28,2008,Sehwag was back with a bang.

Since 28 is quite significant for him,the year 2008 is also important.

Sehwag was born on October 20,1978.The fate number is arrived at by adding together the entire numbers of the date of birth.

Twenty eight adds up to one.

Virender sehwag carries the name number 53 that adds up to 8.

He took his triple century in only 278 balls.See,278 adds up to 8.

Now,Sehwag is in the elite-club

of Bradman and Lara.Lara's record stands threatened by Sehwag.

The birth number of Sehwag is 2.Similarly,the birth number of Lara is also 2.

Sehwag is now 29 years old.Twenty nine finally adds up to 2.

On March 28,2008,Sehwag is exactly 29 years and 161 days old.Addition gives 1-equal to his fate number.

Rahul Dravid carries the same birth number and name number as that of Virender Sehwag-2 and 8 respectively.

Sehwag was born in the Zodiacal Sign of Libra.The following persons,born in the same Sign,are found fortunate during the current year.They are:Anil Kumble,Kimi Raikkonan,Serena Williams,Marion Cottilard,Jacques Kallis and Vladmir Putin,

The Sign Libra is ruled by planet Venus.Another Sign ruled by the same planet is Taurus.Daniel Day Lewis and Sachin Tendulkar were born in the Zodiacal Sign of Taurus.

M.K.DAMODARAN,cheneppurath@gmail.com

Today, I enter the realms of the subcontinent to poetically describe the Indians and South Africans.

South Africa

Greame Smith: Bear like opener, flat track bully

Neil Mackenzie: Shitting old fella, good on roads.

Hashim Amla: Bearded wonder Jrod hates to watch.

Jacques Kallis: Think of him having sex, disgusting!

Ashwell Prince: Boring c*nt, IPL didn't want him.

A B De Villiers: God botherer, lives with evil Morkels.

Mark Boucher: Best keeper in world cricket? Maybe..

Morne Morkel: Sounds like a super villain, evil.

Paul Harris: Like Tufnell, marginally better with bat

Dale Steyn: Quick, makes bangladesh cry for mummy

Makhaya Ntini: Definitely not a rapist, no siree.

India

Virender Sehwag: Batshit batsman, smashes quicks for fun

Wasim Jaffer: Done by a jaffer, not again!!

Rahul Dravid: The Wall, like watching paint dry.

Sachin Tendulkar: Little Master likes Aussie attacks. Genius.

Sourav Ganguly: Lord Snooty. Up his own arse.

VVS Laxman: Graceful, batters aussies, everyone loves that!

Mahendra Singh Dhoni: Swashbuckling keeper, likes young lads, oooh!

Anil Kumble: Former official god, doesn't turn it.

Harbhajan Singh: Mouthy twat, should concentrate on bowling!!

RP Singh: Suave looking, swings it both ways.

Sree Sreesanth: Mentalist, proper fucking loony. Bowl, Idiot!