As usual, the organisation of the clinic left much to be desired (such as the dr telling us one thing then the nurse telling us another, and not being able to get the info we need most for a couple of weeks). We had a meeting first with the dr, then after with a nurse who talked some more about the same stuff but also more detail with costs etc.

The dr has basically given/suggested four options, and told us his recommendation. He was nice an sympathetic and said that all of K's testing levels have been normal and that there is nothing he can see to worry about or point towards why it hasn't worked yet. He did mention 'unexplained fertility' as she has clearly been ovulating, hsg was clear etc but also that he doesn't like to diagnose that until 8 failed IUI's.

So, the options are:

1. Continue as we are, doing natural cycle, unmedicated IUIs until we have reached the 'quota' of 8. He mentioned stats that showed from attempts 4-8 another 30% of women would get pregnant. He also mentioned that if there is an underlying condition that he can't see at this point, then obviously there would not be success.
2. Moved to stimulated cycles/IUI for the next 3 attempts. This would involve clomid days 2-6, then Gonal-F injections (2-4) of these prior to ovulation, followed by a trigger shot before the IUI.
3. Third option is IVF (which we weren't expecting to be mentioned at all at this stage!)
4. Fourth option is laproscopic surgery to make sure there isn't anything else happening that we were unaware of. He mentioned this because K has had appendicitis in the past, and suspected PID (pelvic inflammatory disease - this was mentioned by a dr once years ago and no evidence found on ultrasounds etc nor any symptoms since).

The dr's recommendation is that we move to stim cycles for 3 months, then consider IVF if no success by then.

So, our initial reaction to these options is:

• Surgery pretty much ruled out - for one thing it is incredibly invasive, would cost $6-7000 which wouldn't be covered by our insurance, would involve 2 weeks off work recovering.
• IVF is hideously expensive - somewhere in the region of $10,000. This would mean we would probably need to get a loan. We don't want to get ourselves into debt over this but this is a decision for further down the track.
• Stim cycle. Injections. Hmmm. K is very worried/nervous/stressed about the idea of injecting herself (and it would make it worse if I was to do it for her). At this point in the nurse's office things got a bit teary. See, when the dr said that she probably wouldn't need to inject she was very relieved, so as a result as soon as the nurse said yes you will definitely need to, she just started crying.

We don't know yet what we'll do, we have another appointment with a nurse in 2 weeks where she'll show us the needles and exactly whats involved. We have a prescription for Clomid now, but we're not going to use it this cycle - we need some time for K to get her head around it all before deciding. This is where we are a bit pissed off at their organisation as well - it sucks that they couldn't do the needle thing while we were there - they knew we were coming and they knew that was the course they would be recommending, instead we have to take more time off work to come back etc.

We are also considering just doing 3 more unmedicated cycles and seeing what happens - the stim cycles will cost us at least twice - possibly nearly three times as much so we can get more tries that way, but with lower odds.

Really though, it all comes down to how K feels about the needles. It's easy to sit here and say well the odds are better, we should do it this way, but it's not worth it if she's going to be that uncomfortable and stressed - she has enough stresses in her workplace that probably aren't helping as it is.

We talked last night about what we want to do, and whether we fit in another unmedicated cycle this month while we decide.

This morning K said she would rather have a break this month and try to make this decision with as little pressure as possible so that's what we're doing. There is always that little corner of my mind that thinks - what if this was supposed to be the month, but I agree that that's probably the sensible option.

We also asked the dr about excercise during the tww, as we've been told K should take it easy which has been really hard for her both with weight management and her job (high school PE teacher who always plays every game with the kids). However he said that aside from taking it easy for a couple of hours after the IUI, she should just do what she normally does. Basically that there is no evidence to suggest it harms the conception or implantation if she continues the same level of exercise - yay.

Today, K has gone up to Auckland to help her parents clear out some stuff from their house in preparation for K's sister, husband and 5 kids moving in for a few months while they build their own house.  I am home doing our mountain of housework, then this afternoon we're battening down the hatches in preparation for what is supposed to be 'the most intense sub-tropical storm of the decade'.

It's already pretty yucky out there and it's not supposed to hit our area til late this afternoon.

Sigh.

I don't know what to think or feel right now. Sometimes I wish time moves faster because I want know my beta results sooner but sometimes I wish time moves slower because I don't want to know what my beta result is.

I am positive. Good things come to those who wait. And I will be optimistic.

p/s: This is an old post, I found it in the draft and thought I might as well publish it. Reading it is reliving old wounds. I have almost forgotten how it felt to wait for the beta... yeah..  almost. I don't think we'll ever forget. Although they say time heals. Maybe they are right...

I didn't realize that Louise and BabyDaughter had birthdays so close together. Ms.Brown was born thirty years ago today, and BabyDaughter six years ago this coming Sunday. They only thing they have in common, aside from gender and being Leos, is that they were conceived outside of the uterus. Ms. Brown's parents experienced infertility due to blocked fallopian tubes. Will and I had trouble due to the fact that his yet undiagnosed terminal illness was destroying his sperm.

Too much information you say? You forget where you are. You also likely don't know someone who has endured the infertility road to parenthood. We can speak/write with ease, and at length, on reproductive topics that leave the average person squirming.

I remember when the news about the first "test-tube baby" broke in the fall of 1978. I was in 9th grade. It was religion class with Sr. Mary Judgemental*. She yammered on for half the class about the end of civilized society as we know it and the coming of the Brave New World before breaking us into small groups to discuss little Damienette and her nose-thumbing parents**.

In an interesting twist, I clearly remember being quite relieved to discover that science had finally come up with a way to help couples have children they might otherwise not have. Interesting really, given that twenty some years later, I would be half of one of those couples.

Sister was appalled by my lack of moral compass. Clearly I was in need of spiritual retooling. Thankfully I had her***. But she didn't change my mind about IVF. I thought it then, as now, a good thing.

In 1978 the world yakked on about the possible ethical problems of IVF, and it needed to do so. The potential for abuse and discrimination certainly existed. Today with post-menopausal women using IVF to perform end runs around Mother Nature's time limits and couples with means by-passing traditional baby-making for reasons that aren't tied to infertility, the fact that the world gave a nod to ethics and morality when Louise Brown's birth became widely known should be seen as a good thing.

Without Louise, there would be no BabyDaughter. That is reason enough for me to celebrate the day and wish her a long and happy life.

*Sr. Mary Judgemental went on to even more spiteful heights after a summer trip to the Wailing Wall brought her even closer to spiritual enlightenment. The low point of this was reached during my senior year when  classmate showed up during open study hall one morning to show off her new baby and Sister refused to even look at the child because she was "a product of sin". As a product of sin adoptee, that didn't sit well and I wish I had been the person I am now because I would have given that woman a piece of mind she'd still be chewing on.

**According to the Catholic Church, which actually turns a blind eye to most things it professes to abhor, infertility is "god's will" and faithful couples will just suck it up and accept - adopt perhaps - and be good little puppets.

***In the end my time spent with Sr. M.J. helped me begin to define my differences with Catholicism and organized religion in general. If it weren't for her, I might still be one of the "faithful" who plop down in the pews every Sunday and holy day and then ignore teachings during the week. I would rather object and abstain then be a hypocrite.

ME:

hi again!

*emily

DR. B:

Hi Emily,

Keep me posted,

ME AGAIN:

this is a dumb question.. but how do i know if it is a "real period"? it's so hard for me to know! i've never had clots like this before in my life, i'm assuming that's because of the procedure.. i really think this is more than spotting and i'm still having cramps.. not major cramps like a usual period for me, but annoying cramps.

*emily

DR. B:

That’s sort of a bumpy question for lack of a better word, but really it doesn’t matter much. If the bleeding increases for a few days, stays heavy for a few days, and then tapers off, it was probably a period. If it’s more irregular, it was likely just some irregular bleeding… If it’s the latter, just take Provera as planned. If it’s the former, 2 weeks is plenty of time to regenerate the lining, so we can just start Provera 14 days from when the bleeding started…

Either way, it is really not concerning from the standpoint of your IVF cycle, so I don’t want you to worry too much about it. Just let me know what happens over the next couple days.

***

isn't he great?! i just love that he writes back to me within minutes, every time.. and his responses show that he's actually paying attention.. he actually cares. and i have two REs like this!! with all the shit i have to deal with, i really did get lucky with my REs.

anyhoo... it's still happening today. i don't even want to describe the horrifying things that are coming out of me. i've never had clots before.. and this is like the worst clotting ever. ew ew ew... still having cramps & a bad back ache (which is highly unusual for me to have after like one day of a period).. it sucks. so, just for fun, i'm calling this a new "cycle".. even though the word cycle implies some kind of cycling.. HAHAHAHAHA.. ehem. so yeah. i have a new chart, not that i'm temping.. just keeping track of stuff for the study (headaches and whatnot).. and keeping track of the dates of everything. so this is "cycle #10" in 17 months.. and only 2 ovulations (only with gonal F). damn that's sad.

so, i'm going to let dr. b know how long this crap lasts and then we'll decide when i'm to start the provera. .... just so that i can bleed again, just so that i can take bcps, just so that i can bleed again.. ridiculous.... it's really great to know that the timing won't cause any problems with the clinical trial, we can still do the IVF even if there is a delay.. but come on seriously.. i cannot handle pushing this back any further!!! i am so sick of waiting as it is.. and now, just when it has become less than 10 days to provera.. i really really don't want to wait any longer than we already have been..

i was a bit of an emotional wreck yesterday.. another reason i'm calling this event a "period".. and the thought of delaying this process, even a day or two, is just devastating. irrational, i know.. but it's just been one shitty thing after another. i just want to get things started..

at the same time i am entirely convinced that IVF won't work for whatever reason. i am ready for complete and total failure. i can't let myself feel one bit of hope for it. i just can't. the disappointment would be too much if i had any hope. .. i am so very glad that this is going to be our only IVF attempt.

i can't even watch baby shows right now.. i am limiting myself to only adoption shows. we've been thinking about korea a lot lately. gotta do some research. i hate so much that we can't start the adoption process, i hate so much that we have so much debt, that we have to save money for so many different things making it take longer to actually save for each thing (debt, IVF, house, adoption).. and i hate these cramps, aching from my stomach to my knees. and i hate that i can't stop tearing up.

**

Slightly amusing - "...since multiples are usually a side effect of IVF." (my italics)

And laugh out loud funny - "What stress? Don't people like to get pregnant by having lots of sex?"

But when you start picking on Perez Hilton as a credible IVF/IF news source, you should probably find somewhere else to channel your energy....

Like knitting!

I am teaching myself how to knit, and boy, its tough! The book I bought is pretty useless in the instructional aspect. But once I caught on, I was knitting away. I just unravelled the piece last night, and am going to try and learn a new stitch tonight. I am thinking that maybe, just maybe, while on bedrest, I will knit my little future baby a hat. Or a potholder.

Lupron – 5 units
1 powder vial of repronex
150 units follistim

OMG, I can't believe this is starting.  Scared!  Excited!  Hopeful?

I've been thinking about that number "12" all week.  "How many estrogens you got?  -- I got 12."  It just seems so strange to be quantifying our hormones this way, and then to not have 12 thousand or 12 million....just "12" ...is funny to me for some reason.  Probably a side effect of the Lupron in the small print..."patient may find unexpected humorous content in resulting E2 levels."

I made the nurse show me three times how to do the repronex and follistim and then had to play with the teaching tools myself.  Bless her heart for being so patient.  I may be infertile, but I am definitely not an alchemist, and mixing strange powders (which may be stranger than any of us think) and sodium chloride do not sit well in my little bubble of life experience.  On a positive note during the lesson, the nurse did tell me that air bubbles in subQ injections were not a problem health wise - which was relieving because I kept expecting to drop dead every morning after injecting syringes of Lupron with visible air bubbles at the top.  The medicine would come out the needle tip when I checked, but I could still see a pocket of air in the syringe.   I learned that any large air bubbles in a subQ injection would just take the place of the medicine going in...so although its not a good thing to inject air, it won't hurt you at all.  And since my estrogen level was 12, I was evidently getting plenty of meds into my stomach.

So...blood test results are up next.  More waiting!!

Let me rewind. Back in February my fertile friend told us they were pregnant just after two months of trying. Horrible of me to say, but I was devastated. I thought for sure that we were the next in line. But we weren't. I have to admit, I was angry, sad and yes, jealous. I prayed a lot about it. I asked Him to forgive me for my jealousy, and anger. But I also prayed that He would take care of her and her little one. I asked Him why it wasn't me. Had I done something wrong to not deserve to be in her shoes? I found myself thinking back as far as I can remember and apologizing for every single bad thought or action that I had done over the course of my life and pleading with Him to give us our baby. I was happy for her, but I just couldn't feel the excitement that I knew she felt. I know, I'm a horrible, awful, wretched person. But over the months I became more and more happy for her. I knew that come November I  would be able to be a part of a child's life. If not my own, then someone that I care very much for.

On Saturday I had asked her to call me on Monday just to let me know how her OB appt. went. Monday evening she did as I asked, but only to tell me that she had lost the baby. My world stopped. How could something like this happen? She was 22 weeks and although had not gained much weight, she was still healthy and so was the pregnancy.

Phone calls spread like wild fire.  We all jumped at the opportunity to be there for her, and we all were. When I walked into the L&D ward, I couldn't imagine that I would be here for this. A fleeting moment passed where I found myself praying for her, the baby and me and DH. "Please Lord, take care of them. And please give me the chance to walk through these doors as a patient and not a visitor." Selfish I'm sure.

As we all entered her room and offered hugs and condolences, I noticed the shock in her face. She had been crying, but seemed to be over that part, and now just trying to sort everything out. Her DH. while not visibly crying, had the most lost look on a person I had ever seen. We stayed with her as long as we could. They brought her the pills to begin labor and as we left I found myself bargaining with God again.

Tuesday evening had come at a pain staking slow pace. We went to visit her after watching her girls and within minutes she had delivered. A boy. What they had been praying for all along, though they didn't know for sure until he was born. He was tiny. Only about 8'' long and maybe a pound. I didn't expect them to share their experience withall of us, but they did. We went into her room, and wrapped in a tiny blue blanket with a white knit hat on his head there he was. There was the root of all our excitement and happiness.

Nothing could have prepared me for what we were about to experience. She had asked if we all wanted to hold him. I politely declined because I was afraid. Then the priest came, baptized him and asked for that little baby  to be with his mother in spirit for the rest of her life. I lost it. I began to think about my own angel, and asked for my sweet baby to be with me. In that moment, I knew that I had to hold him. He was her baby, and it was important for all of us to recognize that regardless of how graphic it was. She asked for my DH to hold him too. "Do you want to hold my baby?" Those words have been forever ingrained in my head. I put my fears aside, and held him. I looked at him with some fear, but knew that I could not look at him for what he looked like, but for what he was supposed to be, and for what he meant to all of us, especially his mom and dad.  My DH held him and as I watched him swallow his tears, I could see every one of his fears. Fears for them, and for us.

It was just a matter of hours that we had been at the same hospital for our 4th IUI. An IUI that we have been so optimistic about. Now, although trying to stay optimistic, our fears are now more real than ever. In this moment, as if it were a ton of bricks that hit me I realized that no matter how many shots, follies, tests, sperm cups, dildo cams and "bargains" made with God, life is not something that any of us can control. I needed to let go of my control of this. This sweet tiny baby boy, who laid lifeless in all of our hands, was just another reminder for all of us just how powerful fate, karma, God, science, whatever you believe in, is.

While everyone around me wept, my tears stopped. I had found myself realizing that bargains aren't prayers, and that I have to accept His will for whatever it is. I know now, that I don't have all the answers to life, and I never will. Some things, while as random as they may seem, are planned with great precision. I don't have a reason for why this baby never made it to this world, and I sympathize for the world who has missed out on this baby and the great things he would have accomplished. But in the few hours that we got to spend with him, he made one of the biggest impacts in my life, and everyone elses' that was there with him. The priest told his mother that he and all of the lost children are in God's hands. I have to believe that. I have to believe that God's purpose, while it may seem cruel, was the right thing to do. Just as I have to believe, that my infertility, and loss while painful, has a higher purpose.

Many of us have lost our angels, and I like to think that maybe they are all in this same garden some where just waiting for the right time to return to their parents. Some will wait until their mother and father come for them in heaven, while others will return to live with them here. Therefore, it gives me great comfort to know that both my friend and I will once again have our babies, whether on Earth, or in our own gardens in heaven. I can only hope though that we are both lucky enough to have them here with us.

here he is hanging out with darby, who is confused about him.. when his toys are around she growls.. when they aren't she's okay with him.. ??

***

as for the spotting. thank you all for the comforting comments.

let me clarify.. i had about 2 drops of bright red blood immediately following the sonohystergram, however, i didn't have any spotting the rest of monday or at all on tuesday.. so it was strange to all of a sudden start spotting, dark blood, with lots of clots, yesterday out of the blue.

it seemed to stop yesterday afternoon.. but then around 6ish it started up again.. and is really more than spotting, less than AF.. and then it was accompanied by cramps. which i'm still having today with the same amount of "spot>period".. and i'm not happy about it. my back hurts. i hate cramps. i hate bleeding when i shouldn't be. sure i understand that after such a procedure there would be bleeding.. makes sense, sort of like they were rinsing out my uterus.. but.. this may cause problems in our plan. i am supposed to start provera (progesterone that i take for 10 days, after which i get a "period") in 10 days.. at my SGH my lining wasn't thick, only around 6mms, since my body isn't doing anything useful right now.. so what if i'm losing all that lining right now.. will i have enough time to rebuild a lining so that after my 10 days of provera i actually get bleeding?? this is my big concern.. i need to bleed after provera.. i need to know when day 1 is, so that i can get day 3 blood testing done... this is extremely important in the timing of our IVF cycle. so let's all pray to the spotting gods and the lining thickening gods.. this needs to STOP!!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!

is it my fault.. did i encourage this nonsense by doing yoga yesterday morning? and today i don't feel like doing yoga because of the cramps. but damnit. i really wanted to get back into doing yoga daily.. i miss it.. i stopped a while back when injectables made me feel like crap. fucking infertility.

i'm a bit afraid of telling my RE.. i don't want him to suggest pushing back our IVF any more than it already is. but i think i may email him today if this crap doesn't let up.

***

completely unrelated.. my mother called me last night.. she's left today to meet up with my dad, brother & family out in ohio for the soap box derby nationals as my nephew is racing saturday. (longstanding family tradition, i raced for 8 years.. my dad, uncles, brother & sister all raced).. i asked about my uncle.. he's out of the nursing home and back in his apartment.. which is great, because that means he's doing a ton better.. he's still doing not-chemo (not chemo, but something just like it) and it's working well.. i just hate the idea of him all alone. i know my cousin and aunts visit him often to bring him food and whatnot, but i know he's just hanging out alone a lot. i wish we lived closer so i could go have dinner with him. sigh. but at least he's doing better. we were all just waiting for him to die.. it seems like he and my mother are very good at almost dying.

***

it's pouring rain today.. i love the rain.. i love listening to it.. i love how dark it is outside.. but it totally sucks to walk 3 dogs in the rain when 2 of those dogs are terrified of getting wet. ridiculous.

*

since i'm completely paranoid, i emailed my RE.. stay tuned..

*

I can feel the baby move above my belly button and on Monday I put my hands on and discovered that I could feel it from the outside too.  I am delighted.

I probably should have been proactive about it.  But I think I am in a constant state of denial which makes it hard to take action.  For instance, I have not yet contacted my husband's health benefits company to talk about how/if they cover IVF.  Which will be a really important consideration tomorrow if we are delayed again, or have to cancel the cycle.  I also have not looked too closely at the calendar to determine when the latest day is that we can do this thing and still let my husband travel overseas.  And the reason?  Because Denial Junky and Hope Addict have joined forces and have led me to believe that I am going to be cleared to start stims tomorrow, so why worry about it.   I want to move forward SO BAD.

Only a few more hours of not knowing.  I can get through.  And the decisions we have to make we can make tomorrow.  I guess I only will need to decide if we're canceling before Friday's Lupron shot.  And  I guess I can always keep shooting up until I decide, too.  So, it's not that bad, really.  And maybe my "denial" has just been a defense mechanism to avoid unnecessary stress, right?  And I think I'm going to call out of work, to at least avoid one crappy area tomorrow (as I happen to be mighty unsatisfied in work at the moment).

I haven't been drinking while on Lupron, but I think I have a glass of Bailey's coming my way tonight.

I may gripe about it but I always rise to a challenge.

That's pretty much the attitude I took going into the whole infertility process. But now I'm having a problem finding that "screw you" attitude. And I'm not sure what to do about it.

I'm happy that we're going to try a few more IUIs despite the odds being against us, despite the cost, despite the timing. I find some peace from having a plan.

But the "can't get a break" thing is just wearing me down. In the past few days, I've found out:

• I can't pay for COBRA with a credit card and so will have to take a cash advance off a credit card. There is a fee for doing this.  Not a large fee but still.
• My company won't, as I'd hoped, reimburse me for not taking their insurance while I'm doing COBRA because their lawyer says that it would be partially paying for a plan that's better than their own and better than what they're offering their other employees and therefore opens them up to lawsuits. (I can't even comment on the ridiculousness of this....)
• I can't get in for a consult until August 5th.  That means that I'll miss starting with next cycle.  The only good thing about that is that I'll be able to drink over my birthday on the 12th but really, I'd rather not be paying for most of a month that we won't be cycling on. What puzzles me most about this is that the consult is meant to take 2.5 hours. What can they possibly do for so long?????

Hubby and I agreed that we'd do 6 months of COBRA before getting off this whole crazy roller coaster. I'm personally committing to 2 and then we'll see where we are and where hubby is in his job search.  Part of me just wants to start researching and head into adoption if it looks like that's a viable option.

On other fronts, work is going well although the powers that be don't understand that while I'm overhauling their poorly managed website, I'm not also learning the ins and outs of the industry and thinking of strategic plans to increase customers.  Hello!! I've only been here for two weeks!

I do have some fun freelance work coming in though - some from my old company and some from a publisher that I worked with YEARS ago (and who actually gave me a book credit for one of the projects I worked on). All of this is good resume stuff as well as a little more money coming in.

I'm still too darned tired (and can't figure out why) to take advantage of much here but I try to remind myself that it's only been a few weeks and we aren't even fully unpacked yet (although 90% of the way there!).

I need time off to sit with hubby on the deck and watch squirrels and drink wine. I need a major break. Maybe I can schedule one in for 2009.......

Ivf-resan har ju redan börjat med tanke på blodprover och annat, men nu är det allvar. Nu sitter en rosa lista på vårt kylskåp som talar om vilka dagar jag ska börja med olika preparat och ungefärliga datum för doser och kontroller. Idag hämtade jag ut Gestapuran och Synarela på Apoteket för imorgon ska jag svälja första tabletten. Första augusti börjar jag spraya. Preliminärt ÄP i v 36.

Dr M gjorde ett vul igår för att se hur mina äggstockar såg ut. Om det finns många små folliklar kan man ha högre chans att utveckla fina ägg vid ivf, men mina var normala. Jag antar att det senaste året med fem Pergobehandlingar och flera Gestapurankurer har styrt kroppen rätt bra så PCOn är tillfixad ett tag framöver.

Vidare fick vi veta lite mer om spermaprovet som togs i december. Något nedsatt rörlighet, men det spelar ingen roll nu vid ivf-en. CvL väljer vilken metod som ska användas vid befruktningen, men troligen funkar det med konventionell ivf.

Vad jag än ger mig in i så vill jag veta allt om det. Nu gäller det att suga i sig allt om ivf, vilka biverkningar som finns att vänta osv. Nu är det verkligen dags att hänga tag i den där "Vi som gör ivf i augusti-tråden" på FL. För nu är vi där.

Inspired by a friend and driven a little furhter by my planned vacation in Czech republic, I have started to look into that country as a possibility. And what I found out is quite remarkable. One attempt including donor sperm will cost arund 1700$. That's less than half of one attempt in Denmark. And, should I want to, it doesn't seem impossible to buy sperm from a danish spermbank and ship into Czech republic, even ID-release sperm.

Found a clinic that seemed nice in Brno, but I would prefer Prague as my friend's family live there and that would make it possible to bring her with me, should I go through with this. And in my quest, I managed to navigate myself through an all-czech website and found anothter clinic. My friend looked it over, and since it wasn't clear to us weather foreign patients could come there (it's the university hospital), she e-mailed them on my account and I am now feverisly waiting for their response. If they on top of me being a foreign citizen, will treat me as a single woman, of course also remains to be seen. But the first step is taken. In my wildest dreams they would accept me and furthermore recieve me for a consulting meeting in the beginning of August, when I am already in Prague. My more sensible self knows that at least I've taken my first step unto this new and unknown path.

I guess I need to figure out if his insurance will pay for IVF when we switch over, which will probably factor in to our decision to proceed or cancel this week, if Cysty is still there.

It's so frustrating all the choices that us infertiles have to make....these are not things that normal baby makers have to take in to account.

They have sex on cycle day 14 (in October of course for a summer birthday) and whammo - baby on the way!

VS.

Our months and months of trying which begins to turn sex into a mechanical exercise in how male and female anatomy correspond, questioning whether to go through uncomfortable and often serious medical procedures to determine the causes of infertility (and then winding up with a diagnosis of "unexplained infertility" to show for our troubles), having all sexual privacy invaded and providing "specimens" on demand at 6:30 am, questioning whether to start letting the docs take partial control of our bodies with IUI cycles and then questioning whether to hand complete control over to them for an IVF cycle.  And geez, while we're making these decisions, can we really handle twins?  Or triplets??  I'm not even going near selective reduction issues.  And then, at last committing to an IVF cycle -  and wondering whether all of the injections and bruises and headaches and potential life threatening risks we are taking will even bring us to our goal.  And then a cyst can come along and make things REALLY interesting.  It's fucking hard, and it just goes on and on.  Even when we are lucky enough to get pregnant, it's beta numbers to stress over, and super early ultrasounds and PIO injections for 12 weeks....

I think fertile women have about a 2% idea about what being infertile really means, and how it effects our lives in so many ways.   I know this, because if they had any sort of reasonable understanding, they wouldn't dare complain about their babies/kids/pregnancies in front of us.

I suppose it's all relative, which is an important thing to remember.  There are women who would love to, but could never afford IVF and so don't want to hear me complain about the resulting choices/stresses.  And there are people who don't even have homes or jobs, let alone health insurance that covers IVF, who also would tell me to shut up and count my blessings.

I am really hoping that my blessings include the ability to proceed with an IVF cycle this Thursday.  Fingers crossed.