I have been in a rut lately, which means I have been struggling with being down, feeling low and unmotivated. I think I know the reasons why and what I have to do to feel better. The problem is being motivated to take the proper steps. I think these are the reasons why I have been feeling so badly:

1. I am in the process of writing a very difficult letter to a family member who has been unbelievably unkind to me for the last year and a half. The purpose of the letter is basically to express my perspective and to stand up for myself. It has taken me a long time to write this letter, and I am so close to being done. I just want to be done with it because it has been hanging over me heavily. I feel like I am covered by a cloud and am just longing for the sun to come out.

2. I have some responsibilities hanging over me that I have struggled to complete. The main one is my schoolwork. School has been out for 2 weeks now, and I still have grading to complete. I am almost there, but I just don't have the motivation to push through it. I am sure I will feel better when it's done, but I have to push myself to get there.

3. I feel distant from God. I have not been spending good time with him, so I have not been experiencing the peace that comes from a close connection with God. I did spend some good time with him last night before I went to sleep, so I am trying to get re-connected.

4. I have some strong feelings that need to come out. I struggle to let them out. It is hard for me to let myself cry unless I am in the "right" situation. For instance, yesterday, I felt the urge to cry a couple of times but did not let myself because it wasn't convenient for the situation. I did, however, cry a little just now and was crying when I started this post. I think writing this has helped me feel better.

5. I struggle to know if this is all "normal" or if I need to have another adjustment to my medication. Honestly, I am having a hard time with that. Tomorrow, I see my psychiatrist, and I fear that he will want to up my dose. I am trying to decide if that is what I need. I don't want to feel down, but I don't want to run to medication every time I feel badly.

Well, thanks for "listening." I am sorry to be so depressing, but I do feel better. I wish there weren't so many ups and downs to this journey of motherhood and PPD recovery. Thanks for walking the journey with me. It's good to know that I am not alone.

Going Through A lot-

[audio http://www.zshare.net/download/9096338b89fe6f/]

I searched and searched for the thing that would make me valid. Depression and terrible anxiety were all that I found.

Roger, you have just touched on the very thing that I struggle with most. I have spent my entire life seeking something to prove I am valid, to show that I am worth something, that my existence means something.

For short periods of time I thought I had found it, but invariably the illusion was broken and each time and I was left with greater doubt than before. I no longer trust my ability to know what is best for me, or what I should do. This has left me in an awful predicament, a sort of stagnation that I hate but am afraid to break out of.

I have been very successful in a variety of careers and I have a bachelor’s degree, none of which I care about any more. I married a woman who had four children and helped raise them for 13 years. She left me three years ago. None of them bothered to even call me for Christmas. I didn’t call them either, but I tried that for awhile and it was never reciprocated. I don’t care about that any more either.

I drove trucks for awhile after my divorce thinking that might clear my head, but all it did was make me lonely. After 30 years of working I am unemployed and don’t want to go back into anything for which I am qualified. I have applied for numerous entry-level positions in new fields but cannot get an interview because (I presume) my background makes me overqualified. I may have to lie about my experience and hide who I am and the accomplishments I have made just to get a job.

So, do I lie about who I am just so I can stop feeling so guilty about being unemployed? Do I take another corporate job so I can feel good about myself for a little while? Do I remain unemployed so I can write a novel or maybe get part-time work that leaves me time to write? (My girlfriend who I love and adore is a doctor and makes plenty of money so that’s not an issue. What is an issue is that she is supporting me and that makes me feel worthless.) I don’t know.

I feel lost but I guess knowing I am lost is better than thinking I know where I am going when in fact I am lost. If ignorance is bliss then awareness is cruelty, but no matter how uncomfortable I am, living in truth is a better thing than perishing in delusion.

I just wish I could get to that place you describe:

There is being and knowing, that I am, everything is built upon this.

I need to find a place that will allow me to keep what I do and who I am separate. What I do is not who I am, but yet I have seen it as such for so long that I am having trouble keeping the two apart.

Well, I guess I’m off to start inventing someone who might be able to get an interview. I think my resume objective should start off, “Mixed-up middle-aged disillusioned professional seeks fulfilling, inspiring and creative entry-level position with enough time off to write a novel.” How does that sound?

I have been with my husband for 4 years. We have problems with money as all couples do. We used to have a joint account but unfortunately we got into big money issues. Ya see, my husband is a reformed alcoholic and drug addict. Fortunately now, he is clean and sober. When we shared an account-he did a lot of stupid things and got us into financial trouble. Well now that he is clean and sober, he has gotten his own account and has gotten a great job. Because of the past (which was not that long ago), I refuse to share an account with him and believe that I should have access to his account. I was raised to believe that the woman should be in control of the finances. I believe that when it's payday, he should take out his spending money and then give me the rest for the bills. He refuses to do it! He says we should have a joint account for the bills and we should devise a plan for all the household bills and a percentage of his money should go towards bills and such. The problem is he has always been bad with money! He has the worst credit in the world! And when he runs out of money, he asks me for more! Of course, he gives me money for bills and such but if we have anything to save for-it never happens!  And now I am pregnant, we are both very excited about the pregnancy but how are we going to handle finances in the future when the baby is here and we both have to share the financial burden? Please advise me on how to handle money and marriage? I'm at a loss....and we are both getting frustrated every payday!

Money and Marriage

Dear Mrs. Money,

You both deserve a big congratulations on your expected delivery and him being clean and sober!  You are so right when you say that all marriages have to deal with money issues, especially in this day and age when both partners are working and banks have so many ways of letting you manage your money.  I highly recommend that you both go see a financial counselor, or at the very least read some books and check out financial sites online (specifically look for articles that deal with marriage).  While it is good that you are trying to keep your finances in order, not everyone is raised with the woman keeping the books.  And your husband needs to understand that it is going to take time, and a good show on his part, to earn back the trust he lost when he ruined your finances.  It sounds like your husband does better with paying bills than with saving extra money, so my little piece of advice would be that he pay all the bills with his paycheck and what ever is left over he can spend as he likes.  Then you use your paycheck for buying household needs, saving, and your personal spending.  It would go the same when the baby comes.  Your husband would pay all baby related bills and you would buy food, clothes, save for college, etc.  This, however, is a very small step.  You both need to talk about how you spend, how you feel about money, what your parents did with money, what your expectations are, what your future goals are, etc.  Money is always about more than money, so start learning and growing together. 

I am sure that if you can make it through substance abuse, you can make it through budget abuse.

Miss Knowitall

I feel like I'm going crazy, I have a 10 month old son
and I desperately want another baby! I'll start from the beginning.  About 4
months back I stopped having periods. I had pregnancy tests coming out of my
ears, but all were negative! I went to the doctor after my first missed
period being 3 weeks late, and still believing I was pregnant I might add.
After running so many tests I was finally told there was absolutely nothing
wrong with me and I am NOT pregnant.  In the beginning I was terrified of having
another baby, my son only being 6 months at the time, but 4 months later I'm
not pregnant and want to be!

The reason why I feel like I'm going crazy is that I have so many things going through my mind.  Do I just want a baby because I'd gotten used to the idea?   Do I want a baby
because everyone seems to be pregnant?  Do I want a baby because I miss
being pregnant?  Do I want a baby because I want a girl?  Do I want a baby
because I want something and I don't know what?  Or the most obvious of all, do
I want a baby because I just want a baby? I know it sounds silly but these
thoughts have all gone through my mind!

I'm not worried about money, or work, or childcare or anything else like
that. I know we will get by!  All I know is that I want a baby so desperately and my partner does too, but I'm not sure if that's because he knows how badly I do!  And I keep thinking what if I can't get pregnant?  What if every month I get
a negative test and it breaks my heart?  How do I settle my mind? Am I going crazy?

Dear Am I Crazy,

I don't think you ARE crazy, but I think you are DRIVING your self crazy.  There is no reasonable answer for why women are willing, let alone desperate, to go through 9 months of agony and a lifetime of sacrifice in order to have children.  We just do.  Stop the roller coaster thoughts of "whys" and "what-ifs" and just accept that you are a very human woman who is feeling a desire to create another child. 

You need to relax.  Stress is never a good atmosphere for a family or a baby, and can actually prevent conception.  Stress could even be a reason for why your periods have stopped coming.  Instead of focusing on your negative pregnancy tests focus on being healthy and happy.  Take prenatal vitamins, play with your son, keep falling back in love with your partner, find a hobby that you can really enjoy.  Take a pregnancy test once a month (and only once a month) just to keep tabs on your body.  If along the way you change your mind and feel that you do not want a child right now, start using birth control and don't feel guilty about it.

And remember, a watched pot never boils.  So, stop watching your pot and start enjoying life again.

Miss Knowitall 

Dear Stretched,

You sound like every pregnant woman's dream guy.  Thank you for being so kind to your lady.  Was this a planned pregnancy?  It could be that your girlfriend is feeling resentment or anger about being pregnant.  Even when a couple desperately wants a baby some can find that the sacrifices required are hard to bear.  As a modern, unmarried, working mother her mind may be reeling with thoughts like: "Now what will happen to my career possibilities.  Will I still be attractive?  Gosh, I feel so sick.  I wish he would stop being so nice to me, he has no idea what I'm going through.  What will happen to me now?"  Pregnancy and motherhood are very scary roles to someone who hasn't set their life up for, and prepared for them.  Don't stop being kind.  Do ask her if she would be willing to go to couples counseling with you, or at least ask her to help you help her by telling you what she is thinking.  If she starts ranting and raving and screaming at you, listen to what she says.  Don't take it personally, but do realize that they are real fears, hurts, and frustrations for her.  Give her some space but be ready to catch her when she really needs someone to fall back on.  Many people say that they would be willing to die for their child.  Are you willing to stick around and suffer a temporarily insane woman while she figures out her new life so that you can be there for your child?  I hope so.

May you stretch a little further.

Miss Knowitall  

Dear Dad To Be,

So, you don't understand the whole "pregnancy thing", huh?  Well, please don't put off connecting with your wife and your soon to be child until you do, because I can promise you it's not gonna happen.  No one understands pregnancy.  Even doctors who have spent years delivering babies don't understand the whole "pregnancy thing" (if they did they would know how stupid they sound when they say, "Now you're going to feel a little pressure...").  Your wife doesn't want you to understand, she just needs you to be on her side, cheering her through one of the most challenging times of her life.  Whenever I answer men I like to give them detailed instructions.  Here are yours:

1.  Think of this baby in terms that you can understand.  Do you like sports?  Then think of this baby as the family mascot and go buy a little baby jersey or football for it.  Do you like science fiction?  Then think of this as your first alien encounter.  Are you a computer geek?  Then start speaking to the baby (yes, they can hear you even in the womb) in geek speak about all the things you are going to teach him/her about computers.  Get excited about the baby in what ever way you can and show that excitement so your wife will feel that all her suffering has some meaning for you.

2.  Talk to the baby through your wife's stomach.  Sure, it is silly.  Your wife may even mock you for it, but she will love it.  Caress your wife's stomach as you do this.  Talk in silly voices.  This will not only help you feel connected to the baby and make your wife feel like you are excited, but it will create an intimate experience for you and your wife.

3.  Give your wife lots of praise.  Tell her she is beautiful everyday (I don't care if she looks puffy, sweaty, and half dead, tell her anyway).  And say things like, "I know I will never be able to understand what you are going through, but I love you for going through it to bring our little baby into the world".

4.  Go rent some silly movies about pregnancy and watch them together.  Don't forget the snacks, go get her whatever she is craving and enjoy it with her. 

If you can get excited, praise your wife, and take an active role in preparing for the new arrival, your wife will start to find the joy, confidence, and humor that she is going to need to be able to make it through pregnancy and motherhood.  Pregnancy is one crazy roller coaster, enjoy the ride even with its ups and downs, and know that it is usually a lot easier the next time around.

Still riding that ride myself,

Miss Knowitall 

P.S. She doesn't need you to be able to "deal with it" when she unloads her frustrations and feelings, she just needs you to listen and to hear you say, "You are amazing and I love you."

I am extremely shy and I know it is because I'm not pretty.  I feel like an ugly nerd and it keeps me from talking to people.  It is really ruining my life.  I try to tell myself not to care about my looks, but I can't help it.  I can't expect people to be my friend.  Is there anything I can do about this before I waster any more of my life?  Signed~ Ugly Duckling

Dear Swan,

I know how you feel, I was that way for about 5 years. I looked like the girl on Never Been Kissed when she looks in the mirror and sees her old self. My aunt, who is a beautician, took pity on me and gave me a little makeover (one that was easy to do myself). That gave me a good confidence boost because I learned that there were things I could do to improve my looks. Then I finally just decided that I would never be "Cover of a magazine pretty" so I stopped caring about my looks (beyond trying to look nice) and focused on just having fun and improving myself. In the end people prefer to be around fun, confident people more than they do around pretty people. There are lots of lonely beautiful people out there. SO, go get a makeover, maybe some new clothes, stop waiting to live life until you are pretty, get out there and have some fun. And when you meet another girl who is shy and feels ugly, be her friend and help her to be happy too.

Dear MAN,

It sounds like you are a very sensitive and caring hubby.  But, just to make sure you have a full understanding of what is going on inside your wife’s head right now I want you to play a little mind game with me.  Have you ever been tired or exhausted and, as a result, said, or did things that you regretted?  Have you ever been sick and felt like you would rather have the earth swallow you up, than have to take another breath?  Have you ever felt like your parents, boss, or your friends expected too much of you and you wished they would all just leave you alone?  I’m sure you’ve felt all these at various times in your life, but they were likely (and hopefully), very short moments in your life.  Now, imagine having all those feelings going on at the same time, continuously, for 9 months, plus another year after that.  Now add in a total inability to control your body, from urination, and sexual desires, to crying.  And add to all of this the fact that you are expected to be happy through it all because you are about to have a baby.  I’m sure that there is no way that you could over love and over care for you sweety at this time.  In fact, if you try to “toughen her up a bit” she may show more exaggerated emotions in an attempt to make you understand her pain (have you ever coughed or sneezed a little louder just to make sure that others knew how sick you were?).  I suggest that you give this woman all the love and support you can.  Now I know men need clear instructions, so here are some quick tips for some of the common concerns of pregnancy (And when I say "DON'T", I really mean "Not ever, under any circumstances!"). 

If you are worried about:

Her weight or eating habits 

DON'T even mention it.  I can guarantee that if you bring it up it will become worse out of sadness, rebellion, and hurt.

DO make her healthy meals, do the shopping for her, take her out on walking dates or to go swimming.

Her emotions

DON'T ignore her, get frustrated with her, try to talk her out of it, or say "it's just because you are pregnant".

DO hold her, listen to her, tell her that she has every right to feel the way she does, praise her for going through all this for the sake of your child.

Her laziness

DON'T complain, tease her about it, or get upset... EVER.  you may be allowed to discuss household concerns after the baby is 1.

DO clean for her at least one thing a day on a rotating basis.  ie: do the laundry on Monday, wash the dishes on Tuesday, clean the bedroom on Wednesday, pick up and do all the vacuuming on Thursday, and mop the kitchen on Friday.  Trust me, it takes too long to explain why this is magic.  Oh, and bring home a bouquet of flowers and put them in a nice vase in the middle of the kitchen table at least once a month.

Her lack of hygiene

DON'T complain, avoid her, or slack off on yours.

DO, tell her she is beautiful every day.  Get her out of the house, give her a reason to shower and dress.  Take her to buy a lovely, new outfit at least once during the 7th month of pregnancy, and once when the baby is 3-5 months old.

Wishing you both a Happy Parenthood!

Miss Knowitall

Dear Puzzled Wife,

I remember all too well when this happened to me for the first time in my marriage.  I love my husband so much and wish I could spend every free moment with him.  You'd think that would flatter the guy and we'd live in a continual honeymoon state, don't ya?  Sadly I had to learn to do what I'm about to tell you to do.  First I want you to instill the "Two minute rule" and you can read about that here: http://littlemissknowitall.wordpress.com/2007/03/27/keeping-the-spark-alive/

After you have that set up with your wonderful man I want you to recognize that you have made a loving mistake in looking to your spouse for entertainment, happiness, and a sense of self.  While a good spouse can enhance all those things, they can not give them to you (in fact they start hiding if they feel that they are expected to).  You must build these up for yourself.  Stop waiting for him to come home to have fun and to do interesting things.  Look back to the time when you first met your husband.  What did you do for fun at that time?  What are some "Non-Wifey" or "Non-Mom" things that would interest you?  Go to a sports game with some girlfriends, or take a class in a foreign language.  Enhance yourself and have fun doing it.  If you have children then let the daddy watch them a couple nights a week while you get out to have fun (not to grocery shop).  Now, I want you to know that I am not suggesting you distance yourself from your man.  In fact you need to be ready for something great, if you do all this.  Think back again to when you first met your hubby.  He had to put forth effort to get your attention and it was a fun game of, oh...lets call it fishing.  If guys new that as soon as they stepped into the boat the fish would fly at them and they would be done, it wouldn't be the "Man's Sport" that is today.  They like the supposed art and technique it takes to hook and reel 'em in.  Well, you have been jumping into his boat every time he steps through the door.  If you start having fun again and are a bit busy, then he will start to feel like he needs to bait his hook and go fishing for his wife again.  And if you are leaving him behind with kids, well then he will get interested just to get out of babysitting (wink, wink).  So when he finally starts hinting that he misses you, or that he feels neglected, or that he wants to spend some time with you just say, "Hmmm, well I'm pretty busy this week...", then hug and kiss him and schedule a date with your hot-love-muffin.

Let the fishing begin!

Miss Knowitall

I have over 100 lbs. to lose and I need help. I think my weight is more than lbs. for me. I think it is a protection for me. Protection of what? I am not sure. I have been successful in losing weight before, but tend to find myself right back where I began after a few years. How do I lose weight and keep it off?
Scared to lose weight

Dear Scared to Loose,

I have know women who have used weight to "protect" themselves from various things.  Some use it to hide from men, or to punish their loved ones, or to have an excuse for not succeeding in life, etc...  But that usually only applies to women who do not want to lose their weight.  You may have let yourself gain this extra weight for some form of protection in the begining, but the fact that you have been trying to loose it now shows that you no longer need that "protection".  Now, you want to lose it and keep off.  The questions is, "How?".  Well I'm afraid you are not going to like the answer.  I know you are not going to like the answer, or you would have kept your weight off earlier.  You have to change.  That is the answer.  Your whole life has to change and you have to be willing to make it change and keep it changed.  Think about it, your schedule, your favorite spots in the house, your attitude, your interactions with people, your clothing, your wants and desires, your holidays, everything you do and think will have to change.  It isn't simply about eating less, and loosing weight.  You have lived life a certain way for a long time to get to the point in life that you currently find yourself.  You could loose all the weight you want, but if your life stays the same, then your life-weight will come back.  I think that 100 pounds is a HUGE change to accomplish all at one time, and frankly would scare the ever lovin' wits outta me.  I've known people who do it but they have literally become completely new people in every aspect of their lives.  Those that didn't change, only lost, gained their weight back.  I suggest that you start out with 20 pounds.  Don't just loose 20 pounds, but make the changes in your life to become a person who is twenty pounds lighter, forever.  Stay at that place for a year, or at least 6 months.  Then make the changes to become the kind of person who is another 20 pounds lighter.  It will take a long time doing it this way but it will give you enough time to adapt to the kind of lifestyle that skinnier people live.  You need to teach yourself to enjoy exercise, to find happy satisfaction in healthy foods.  Learn to disdain candy bars and fast food instead of just not eating them, be able to see sodas as a waste of your time, rather than as a happy feeling.  Be willing to embrace these kinds of changes.  It is hard.  I am still trying to convince myself that McDonalds is gross, but dang if their apple pies don't keep changing my mind back again!   =)

Change your life-weight and your body-weight will change with you.  

Happy changing!

Miss Knowitall

I am one of five children in a family that has always been very close and very stable.   We are all grown up now, with families of our own, but we have always stayed very much in touch and get together with each other quite often.  We were blessed with great parents who have loved us and supported us in everything.  This may all sound too good to be true, but that is how it was.  Last year my mother passed away from a quick diagnosis of cancer.  We only had 3 months warning before she died.  Our family is still close but we are having a lot of problems with our father.  He seems to be avoiding us now.  Our parents used to come to every event in our children’s lives, birthdays, school plays, baptisms, etc.  Our father won’t come to any of these now.  I tried to confront him and tell him that his children need him to stand up and be the good father he used to be and he became very angry with me and told me to leave him alone.  When mom died, we really needed him to be there for us, and he wasn’t.  I used to think he was just having a hard time grieving for my mother but now he is dating any woman he can find, and now I don’t know what to think.  I don’t know what to think about this situation.  I want my children to know and love their grandpa, but I’m having a hard time even liking him right now.  I feel he really dropped the ball after mom died and that he wasn’t there when we needed him.  Little Miss, please tell me what to do.

Signed, I Need My Daddy 

Dear Need My Daddy,I’m going to make an assumption here, and hope that I am not wrong.  I’m guessing that you had an amazing mother.  I’d even bet that if you got a phone call from your parents, it was from her.  That if your children got a birthday card, it was in her handwriting.  I bet that when you were invited to their house that she baked the cookies and prepared whatever food you ate.  You have a wonderful father because he supported your mother in all these good things, but I’m betting that for the most part he was just following your mom’s lead.  He was able to be a good father just by being there whenever your mom was working her magic.  I’m not saying he wasn’t really a good dad, I’m just pointing out that your mother probably made it very easy for him.  Now she is gone, he is alone and he is probably terrified out of his mind.  He may be avoiding you children because he feels he won’t be able to meet the high expectations your mother has given you.  He may be dating in earnest not only to drown his loneliness, but also as an excuse for not being available for you children.  As long as he feels he will fail with you, he will avoid you.  If you want to reclaim your father there are two things you need to do.  The most important one is to give him unconditional love.  Your father has lost more than just his better half or his right arm.  If you were to ask him, he might say that he lost all of himself when your mother died.  Stop expecting him to be strong, or supportive, or expecting him to take over the things your mother used to do.  If he were an invalid in a hospital you would come in, tell him you love him, give him an update on the children, leave him cards from the kids, kiss him and leave.  That is kind of the same thing you need to do for him here.  Just give him love and don’t expect anything back right now.  The second thing you need to do is to get to know this man-without-a-wife.  Take him out to dinner and just talk about the memories you have of HIM when you were growing up to show him that HE was important in your life.  Get to know your father.  Allow him to get to know you.  Be interested in his life, even if it means being interested in his “girlfriends”.  Don’t think of them as interlopers, but as friends who are helping your father stay busy.  If your father feels that he can be loved for who he is (failings and all) then he might feel free to try a little harder because he won’t be scared of failing.     

Give him a quick phone call tonight.  Say, “Hi dad, I was just thinking of you and wanted to say ‘Hi’.  I love you dad.  I’ll talk to you later.  Bye”.  Men like to be told that they are loved, they just hope they won’t have to maintain a conversation every time, so give him a special treat: an “I love you” without any strings attached. 

May you find the father you never knew you had.

Miss Knowitall 

Dear Sneaking and Crying,

You should congratulate yourself on the weight you have already lost!  Now, you have hit a "rut", plateau, are slowing down, have lost that first fire of determination, right?  Well, don't beat yourself up about it, it happens to EVERYONE when trying to create a new lifestyle of eating.  When this happens you need to pretend you are starting all over again.  Try something new, or reread whatever book or program it was that had you on fire to begin with.  Re-stoke that dying fire of determination and personal excitement.  Now, let's talk about the sneaking food and the crying yourself to sleep business.  First off, you shouldn't be keeping things around the house that will tempt you.  If you were trying to quit drinking you wouldn't keep the bar stocked, would you?  If there are others in the house who want to keep tempting snacks around then you need to ask them for their support in this.  Ask if they can lock up, hide, or just stop bringing home things that you are trying to avoid right now.  And to take care of the items that are currently in your house, car, desk at work, or wherever, it is time to show them who is boss.  You have been letting these items control you and any one's self esteem will start to falter if they feel they are weaker than a little chocolate bar or a lifeless slice of cheesecake.  Don't try to fight the cheesecake at that vulnerable moment when you have fork in hand and are opening the fridge because as soon as that fork is in your hand you have already surrendered.  Don't let the ice cream pick the time and day of battle.  I want you to go look in the mirror, tell yourself that you deserve to love yourself, that you are strong enough to take care of your body, that you are stronger than the food.  Now, I want you to go find all the yummy, tempting foods that have been giving you problems.  I want you to take them over to the garbage disposal.  I want you to take each item and tell it, "I am stronger than you, I decide when and what I eat, I will not give in to you anymore!".  As you say this to the food, I want you to be putting the food in the garbage disposal with the water running over it.  If you don't have a garbage disposal then dump all the food in your outside garbage can.  This will be your act of liberation.  It may make you queasy to "waste" food like this, but better for it to be wasted in the garbage than wasted on your body.  Now that the food has been demolished you need to maintain this power over the food.  If you suddenly find you have a cookie in your mouth and it isn't supposed to be there, don't beat yourself up, get up and spit it in the garbage disposal and throw the rest in the garbage.  It is o.k. to have desserts just as long as you are the one choosing to have the dessert and not the other way around.  

Reclaim that power to love yourself again!

Miss Knowitall

I have an active, smart daughter who I love very much.  I really want to encourage her in anything she shows an interest in.  Lately I've started to worry because she never seems to finish anything she starts.  She will start writing a story and never finish it (she has started eight really good stories).  She was interested in skating so I bought her a pair of roller skates and now she won't touch them.  She wanted to learn to sew so I got her into lessons and bought her a complete sewing kit for Christmas and she hasn't touched the kit.  Now she wanders around me telling me how bored she is but when I suggest she work on one of her projects she just sighs and walks away.  What can I do to encourage my daughter to finish what she starts so that she doesn't develop this bad habit any further?

 Signed~ Wasting Money

Dear Wasting Money, 

You are smart to try and stop this habit before your child gets any older (and one is never to old to try and break this habit).  It is always fun to feel that first thrill of a new project.  You have lofty aspirations, you get to buy new things, you get to tell everyone about how interesting you are about to become.  Then all of a sudden reality hits, you realize that it is going to be a lot of work, that you aren't going to be good at it till you've practiced a lot, and next thing you know you have boxed it up and put it in the closet until you are "ready" to do it.  Really the only way to break your daughter of this habit is to get her to finish one of her previous projects (NOT a new one).  So, how do you get her to finish something?  If you want to do it with out her whining and driving you crazy then you have to do it too.  If you want her to finish a story then write a story too.  Sit at the table and write together.  Tell her that when you both finish your stories, no matter how awful or corny they are, you will both go out to celebrate.  If you want her to use her sewing kit then get the same kit for yourself and sit on the floor with lots of pillows and start sewing.  She will want to now simply because she will now have a buddy to do it with and you will be there to help and model what to do.  Remember that once you start this with her, you must finish it with her.  Doing this will not only help your daughter learn how to finish what she starts, but you will build a wonderful bond with her that she will remember.  And if not.... well then  you are welcome to stash her unfinished projects in my "unfinished projects closet".  Oh come on, I bet we all have one of those.

Finishingly yours,

Miss Knowitall