The youth group leader looked skeptical and replied, "The church is a living and breathing thing. It's not a play. You're allowed to move and be alive."

I couldn't help but note the significance of that statement.

Our regard of church has become too concerned with flawless presentation, and so we all cringe in agony when the sound system makes obnoxiously loud feedback in the middle of the sermon---not just because it hurts our ears, but because it interrupts the successful smoothness of the church service. I've noticed that many contemporary churches have created a fine line between entertainment and worship.

But church is the people.

Since people are far from flawless and do things like let a baby near the sound controls or leave their guitar case in the front of the sanctuary, the movements and mishaps of church embody us and reflect our imperfections.

I used to get completely frustrated by tone deaf voices that stood near me in the choir stands. But, strange as it sounds, after singing in my more perfect-sounding gospel choir in college, I found that when I returned to sing at my home church, the bad notes of voices that clashed with mine were comforting and seemed more alive. Life is nothing smooth or flawless. It's when we attempt to gloss over our mistakes and present ourselves as perfect that we become hypocrites and liars.

If we spend too much of our energy on Sunday mornings concentrated on getting things just right, we can easily create a nice and entertaining service that is too far removed from our imperfect lives.

I take the God of the universe, the Creator of everything complex and incomprehensible who wrote this great story that we call Life and Eternity, who is bigger than anything i can imagine and who understands it all and somehow stitches this huge tapestry together into one great, intricate and beautiful masterpiece, and who loves--me!--more than i can even begin to fathom; and i give him a multiple-choice quiz with two possible answers: A or B.

"OK, now which one do you choose, God?" I tap my foot impatiently and want him to answer me on the spot. I mean, come on; He's the one with the answers right? Why should I have to wait around on Him?

It makes me pretty disappointed in myself and embarrassed, really, that I would do that to the God who loves me so much and who all He wants to do is help me get the most out of Life that I can and wants what I want even more than I do. I do that now and people did that to Jesus back when he was alive, too: taking him these questions or demands and presented them to him as having only two options. but time and time again, He would break that mold and that conception and show them how close-minded their thinking truly was, as he'd show them another route or another question that never crossed their mind.

I need to focus more on just asking God the question and leave it at that; stop it with the "I've already analyzed the situation, so choose between these two." go to him from the beginning with the raw question and leave it open-ended. "What do you want? What do you want me to do with this?" and then...wait and listen.

this acknowledges that he knows better than we do and that his answers are so much better than the lousy and limiting--and un-interesting!--A and B choices we often give him. there are so many other options, we need not strip him of his creativity and his power. option C can be so much greater than we could have imagined!

I will bring you gold in place of bronze, silver in place of iron, bronze in place of wood, iron in place of stones.
- Isaiah 60:17

He will bring us more and greater and richer things than we can imagine or think we need...if we just ask him and quit trying to take over the reins all the time.

I have been, off and on, extremely anxious these past few months, likely due to delving too far into the secrets of my spiritual self. I'm disturbing the spiritually dead, proverbially speaking, and it's not someone else either- it's my dead self. Well of course this is all speculation, but in either case- as far as I'm concerned, I've willingly asked for a glimpse of Hell, and now I'm agonizing over whether it was really worth it.

I began this journey of self-exploration at first just to turn the nothing I was into something in the future; then, once I realized that it was not that simple, I began seeking out what that nothing was, because you cannot do anything you know nothing about, because even nothing is something

Well, all that abstract talk is just me being melodramatic...eventually, I found that the more I discovered about myself through this inference-based reasoning, the more I was able to improve upon myself. I started with internal change (opinions, morals, perspectives), and eventually harnessed these changes into habits/etc., to the point my transformation could not go unnoticed by those who "knew" me. But noooooo...that wasn't good enough for me. I had to find the unfindable answers, relying on the forbidden intuition that I should never have had- well perhaps I've just being "played" by myself- this illusion of soul-torture that I've forced upon myself due to expecting something.

But really, the possibilities are endless, so why doubt my doubts when I can "suspend judgement" on those matters- and focus my attentions on these far more engrossing and apparently irresistable obsessions. But, as you may have noted, these obsessions have really done a number on me. Why is it that I must have such depressing, such inevitably hopeless obsessions.

Now that I know that we all are motivated by the desire to run away from ourselves- or more accurately, we won't be happy unless we do everything to run away from ourselves. No- that's not even accurate. I mean "our other self" - might be our "Ego", might be our "soul" or "spirit" or "psyche"- well, it's arguable that all those words mean the same thing anyway. Perhaps- and this is most definitely the case, we are running away from something far bigger that that. But really, is that even possible, or does it even make any sense, considering at this point it's all just semantics.

Actually, I wouldn't even be able to write this post had it not been for the spontaneous impulses (that's redundant BTW) of my brother- by which I was able to clear my head sufficiently to actually think straight for the first time in 2 days. Now for some revised definitions "for the road":

Sin: Self- you know, the "other self". like I said, all semantics...

Agony: Seeing self, or a reflection/glimpse thereof- for what we really are, an eternally tortured self.

Hell: In "God's" presence we see the ugliness that we really are:

desperate, hateful, dependent, miserable, melancholic, masochistic/sadistic, vengeful, malicious, lonely, obsessed, perverted, greedy, lustful, irrate. All scum that is depicable and distasteful.

As to how such a hellish curse was eternally forced upon us, there are many possibilities, but this is my theory: Balance has always existed- it is the true God. But "in reality", Balance is only rules- just as Pythagoras's numbers did not create anything, but only organized what already existed. We, our "original" self- also existed, and were thus governed by Balance. But to gain self-awareness, our soul- as I'll call the "original self", had to pay an equal price- that is after all necessary to maintain Balance. The "Adam and Eve" story of Genesis 2-3, is IMO, a story that originally took, or more accurately, takes place outside time and a space- humans would not exist if "original self" did not become "original sin. Update: Time did exist- since it is a fundamental necessity of balance.

There are many Bible verses which support this interpretation, in several books, both the old testament and new. Although I really don't have motivation or time (b/f going 2 bed) to cite specific verses (although I probably would have if I didn't spend so much time procrastinating on Uncyclopedia- it's way to funny for my own good! see side-panel links for reference!)-

In Genesis, Isaiah, Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastics, Revelation- just to name a few...

In the account of Jesus's death (found on all 4 gospels, though only a couple in sufficient detail), Jesus dies for our sake- taking the sin of the world upon himself.

I pity those millions (Billions unless it's "all for show") of Christians that completely misinterpret the Bible- it's not like I'm even close to accurate (obviously!) but at least I'm on the right track. Honestly though, how can anyone take what they call "God's Word" at face-value. It's sickening how simple people can be about things so far beyond themselves- what an insult to God!

Back to Jesus: In taking the sin upon himself- I strongly believe that this refers to the evolution of man. See, before man- there was just animals- no self-awareness.

To further understand- I'll shed some more light on my theories regarding the Soul:

The Soul is running away from itself- in denial, just as we are. That is because, in order to create life, death needed to be created. To create ecstasy, despair needed to be created. This was the price of Balance. The soul took upon itself those ugly qualities (the ones listed halfway through what I've written so far) so that it might give birth to the positives. The Soul did this so that it could have meaning, and because it was inevitable- it was in its nature to bestow benevolence. This soul is our God, and is always a part of us....Okay, for the time being ending creepy mystical mutterings...

Naturally, the Soul could not bear this state of being (hell), so it thrust itself into its creation, and became ignorant. The soul enjoyed bliss in this ignorance- animals, plants, and all life at that time, had naught but instincts, and thus had no reason to find the Soul. This is not unfeasible, as most humans today have the gift of self-awareness but do not use it, leaving it dormant.

But, in accordance with Balance, the Soul innately struggled to correct the imperfection of its beasts, and these struggles took on the form of evolution, with its battle-scars taking on the form of mutation, and its confusion was mirrored in natural chaos. As the struggle became exponentially intense, a split occurred within the Soul- this was also a necessity of balance. The struggle had reached a level so great that it threatened to destroy Balance, and an innate failsafe defense mechanism was activated within Balance, resulting in the first miracle. This miracle, having split the Soul into two, formed what I will call the "Thesis" and "Antithesis". Both the Thesis and Antithesis seek to be reunited under a Synthesis- but, in accordance with balance, this is not possible because that desire is neutralized with an equal and opposite force.

*Please note: Contrary to Augustine's theory that God exists outside time, my account, assuming "God" to be "the creator", exists within time-- Balance always exists, therefore time does. Even though God has always existed, he did within time, because Balance is also eternal. My "God" is also not infinite, and is bound by the laws of Balance.

The desire for synthesis is mirrored in our own lives to this day, because it is necessary for Balance. One might ask the question, is there then the possibility that there is also imbalance?- But if the answer was yes, that would be a moot paradox, so I wouldn't bother. (see Illogical)

Also, these events are somewhat reflected in the story of Cain and Abel.

Eventually, amid the struggles between the negative and positive that is the Soul, life evolved into increasingly complex organisms. But, in accordance with Balance, existence must be sustained by non-existence- thus, As many who are born must die. Because the animals were reproducing and flourishing, more were being born than were dying.

*Please note- keep in mind that although the Thesis and Antithesis are fighting, neither are self-aware of it, as their self-awareness is dormant within now-primitive life. Their subconsciousness's are dualing, and they are only aware of the effects, in the forms of chaos and mutation.

*Also- these circumstances are reflected in the story of Noah's Ark, particularly Gen. 6:1-7.

Now Balance was approaching the failsafe point, and- aware that the Soul had self-awareness, corrected the deficit by calling out the Soul (Antithesis and Thesis) to make a choice: allow the creation to be destroyed (which would be the second miracle), or make another sacrifice to correct the Balance in their stead. Because the Soul was now two different beings, the choice would have to be made separately. This decision could have been the long-awaited Synthesis, because both the Negative and Positive desired for life to continue flourishing. But Synthesis did not come to be.

The Positive Essence decided to sacrifice its self-awareness eternally, taking the form of Heaven or, more accurately, Nirvana.

The Negative Essence decided to keep it's self-awareness, but eternally resigned its right to ignorance, forever tormented to the ends permitted by Balance- its unhappiness mirroring the happiness of life, and vice versa. Thus, in order for life to be happy, it must be unhappy- we essentially depend on the unhappiness of the negative essence. It took the form of Hell or, more accurately, Samsara.

*Please note that there is a big difference between ignorance and self-awareness. The Positive Essence did not become ignorant by losing its self-awareness- if fact, if I understand Buddhism philosophy correctly, losing self-awareness is essential for losing all ignorance.

*As you probably already guessed, the Positive Essence's sacrifice was mirrored through the life and teachings of Gautama Buddha.

*Also note- The irony: Buddha discovered that the cause of human suffering was ignorance, but this is only one type of truth, which is derived from the Positive essence. Just as our well-being mirrors Samsara, our self-awareness mirrors the Positive Soul's lack thereof. Thus, because the Positive Soul is statically in a state of Nirvana, Balance must correct our ignorance with suffering, in accordance with Nirvana's complete lack of ignorance. On the other hand our ignorance can also grant us happiness, as ignorance makes our creator (the Negative side) unhappy. In other words, two negatives, when multiplied, make a positive. See here: God hates being ignored. Why do you think this commandment takes top spot on the 10?

*The Negative Essence was mirrored long before the Positive Essence did (Hinduism), but the effects were not fully realized until the life of Jesus. Because of the complications caused by the division of the Essences, and the sacrifices thereof, many miracles occurred up until the time of Jesus, and echoed until long after, in accordance. The effects of the Positive Essence need no be mirrored long, because it actually returned to its original self- essentially rendering it's role in the creation of life nonexistent. The original miracle through Which Nirvana's choice was reflected, was told in the allegory of Jacob and Esau (Gen. 25:30-34). Just as Esau gave up his birthright, Nirvana did as well. Key here is verse 34: ..."thus Esau despised his birthright." This mirrors the notion that Nirvana did not want it's birthright, because self-awareness actually held it captive, thus being more a hindrance than help.

(Just a thought)

Mirroring how Samsara took every kind of agony possible upon itself, Jesus took every sin upon himself. The Negative Essence became Samsara, taking Hell upon itself so that we might live- thus, the balance, at least for the time being, was complete.

Now all that remains is our choice. Because we were made in the Image of the Soul, we have self-consciousness. However, our self-consciousness is incomplete- metaphorically speaking, half complete. This is why we have two selfs. One of our selves has self-awareness, the other does not. That is because we are based upon and depend on two different Essences, of one Soul- one Essence has self-consciousness; the other does not. These two different selfs take the form of the Id and Ego.

The Id is the self-consciousless persona, derived from Nirvana

The Ego is the self-conscious persona, derived from Samsara

thus, Balance is achieved, and all that is left is for us to make the choice:

The Antithesis, the Thesis, or the Synthesis?

If we choose the Antithesis, Nirvana is achieved, ultimately

If we choose the Thesis, We will maintain self-awareness, but perpetually share with the happiness and unhappiness of the Samsara. Unfortunately, to correct the Imbalance required for us to live, we must ultimately suffer, as the suffering must outweigh happiness to compensate for life. This will continue, until we either choose Nirvana, or the third choice- the Synthesis:

Not a true Synthesis, but: We run away from our true selves, gaining ignorance through bliss, and pleasure through Denial. This is, unfortunately, the choice of the vast majority of the world. Although it is clearly the best choice for us, it is the greatest sin one can possibly commit, as we are gaining pleasure as the direct consequence of God's suffering. That is because by ignoring God we are doing that which makes him suffer most, and thus gain the greatest pleasure from it.

To end with a few verses that best reflect that last paragraph:

Mark 8- "34Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 35For whoever wants to save his life^[c] will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. 36What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? 37Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?" If you really think about it, you'll be taken off-guard at how closely these words match up to this post! ps.- this is probably the most on-the-spot biblical re-translation I've ever done on the spot in my life- guess I showed that Redneck/Asshole!

This blog is referring to someone who has problems accepting things. Look, it may be true that you make mistakes and that you recall yourself as imperfect. Yes, that is true because I have yet to meet someone that could be considered perfect. But it depends on the types of mistakes that they make, that decides whether or not we should accept the person for who they are. You can't just say, "accept them for who they are, don't change them" if that person decides to drink their life away - then what? Are you still going to accept them for being an alcoholic, or are you going to decide to help them change?

Friendships (continuing): We've been friends for such a long time now, but I feel like the more you keep hearing negative things that you do from other people, the more you take it the wrong way. Negative comments can only help you improve as a person, or drives motivation to make you feel stronger. No one wanted you to be perfect, and you can't expect going into life not being criticized for something that you do. At some point, your parents will end up bagging on you, and even your teachers, your friends. You just have to live with it, and deal with it in a MATURE matter. It's over a small problem - hypocrisy. If you know that you are a hypocrite, then don't have a say in what people do. It's that simple, because all it'll end up doing is arouse more problems between you and the person.

Anyways, I just felt like pointing that out, hopefully you understand what I mean.

Today: Ah, another start of summer school - semester two. Netclassroom isn't working, so I can't really check my grades online. My school really needs to figure out how to fix these bugs. I doubt I did well on my final, but I'm pretty sure I did okay on the test before that considering tests are worth 70% of your grade, and the final is only work 15%. I'm going to school a little early to pick up my parking permit for next year - $100 just for a piece of plastic to hang on my rear view mirror, lovely. Hopefully I get to see my bebby today.

Blogged at: 6:08PM

Ah, so today wasn't as bad as I thought it was considering that I did end up passing the class with a 80% or higher. I'm glad, but turns out one of the students ended up with a C and cannot take the class anymore. So before I went to class I was walking towards the school when I felt like turning around. When I did I saw this kid drive up with a new black on black G37 Infiniti. Haha, of course it was my bebby boy. So I ran up to his car and we parked to the back and we hugged and kissed. I haven't seen him in ages, and boy did he get dark! I love him though, and that's all that matters. Plus in 6 hours it'll be our 16 months together <3 So later he told me a story how he was driving on the freeway and this rock chipped his window. Now he has to go get his entire window fixed (the windshield mirror). So I taught him how to make origami stars and he is :) Or, well he should be making them haha.

During class: I just recently got my "rag" after two months of being "rag"-less. So it was really painful and I couldn't really concentrate during class. Good thing it was basic reviews of what goes on in Trig last year, so I got most of it down. He passed back our last test we took and I got a 90%. Okay, so I'm not proud of the score, but it's an A at least, well, A- to be exact. Anyways after that he passed out our finals and I didn't get such a good score. 67% is not what I had in mind, but not everyone did well either, so it's okay.

After class: I hung out with the international students in my class for a while and I drove to Ralphs. I went in to pick up 5 packs of Yakult and 1 economy sized bottle of Benadryl. I was going through the express lane when the lady infront of me talks to the cashier and goes, "Can I borrow a Ralph's card or something? I'm in a hurry, I have ten kids in my car and they keep yapping." So the cashier notices that I have my Ralph's card application all nicely filled out and she tells me, "Are you getting a new card? Oh honey, that's an old application here fill this out real quick and I'll get you a card. Do you mind if she borrows it?" I'm going in my mind, "Well the more times the card is used, the more points/credits I get." So I told her, "Sure why not." The lady tells the cashier, "Thanks so much!" And the cashier tells the lady, "You should thank her, she let you borrow her card." But the lady didn't feel like thanking a little kid like me, and walked off. So I handed my Ralph's card application to the cashier, and the cashier tells me, "Boy, that lady was rude!" And I ended up paying $33 bucks since each package of Yakult was worth $3 and the Benadryl was $17. I charged the card and drove home. What a day!

Photos of today:

There were more photos, but I don't feel like posting them up :)

I write electronically from a chair. Moving without stepping, discussing without talking, meeting without proximity. A progression of time, collective brilliance and suffering have led to modern triumphs of societal pleasure. Supported now and in the future by the protection and remedy that we provide each other. Yet, technology will fail me, potentially losing such information forever.

I hear the resonance of my thoughts transcribed into practical existence. Seeing before me the realisation of my own perspicacity and feeling the satisfaction at the tips of my fingers as all things important to me lay into permanent memory. Even with such senses, I can be deceived.

I investigate by what method I can do wield such majesty. Smallest of the small does the importance reach, magnifying the effect of one amongst many. If the frequency by which minute functions may amplify by necessity of reality at large, the simple becomes the complex. Surrounding such elegance is the failed mess that lay in waste of advancement.

I anticipate all that awaits me. Response to the dispersion of notions via technology permitting them to be read, interpreted and considered. The effects they may have, and the effects of others as they similarly share ideas, while survival dictates what should drive us forward. With these new horizons, storms follow in wait.

I accept my role as a part of the beauty of the imperfection of all parts of life and the environment in which it lives. Would I give up expression as to never be wrong, technology to never be overwhelmed, senses to never feel pain, science to never understand, or logic to never be frustrated by the unreasonable? Despite the grandeur of the universe, it is not perfect, nor would I want it to be.

Nature can be beautiful at a glance, but do not leave it at that. Do not underestimate the underlying awe that can be arrived by understanding unto itself. Hesitate to distress at perplexity, refrain from condemning investigation of the unknown, and never be satisfied with the disclaim of the impossible.

To place nature at the will or necessity of rules or power beyond it is to scoff at the simple elegance that provides us, however cruelly, with the capacity to do so in the first place.

Yesterday I tried to express an idea, a concept on faith. I did a very poor job, I knew that as soon as I posted it, but I want to post a blog everyday if I can, be it good or be it bad. And yesterdays was bad! I like the idea of where I was headed and in my mind when I was thinking about it on the way home from vacation it all sounded good, but in the end it missed its mark. I fell short, some would say that I didn’t even come close, and that would be correct, I’m not even sure if the reader would have gotten anything out of what I wrote. So I apologize to you, I say with a humble heart “Sorry for wasting your time, for posting ramblings and such on the blog.”

But to every negative there is a positive, and the positive to a bad blog from yesterday has inspired me today. At first I thought I would just try to rewrite the blog from yesterday, but I decided that I would let that dead dog stay dead, so instead I decided to write about how we fail how we miss the mark in our faith walks.

To many their walk in faith ended at confirmation, but for some we continue to walk, sometimes alone and sometimes with others, but the walk continues. Along the way we see many things, much like a nature walk or walk in the city, each time you walk your bound to see something different or in a new light. Our faith walk should be like that, although we may walk the same path each day, we should see things anew, differently each time.

We attend mass each Sunday and most of the mass is the same each week, we sit in the same spot, say the same prayers and most likely have the same priest the only things that change are the songs and the readings. All of us, at some time or other have zoned out, missed the readings or really didn’t hear the songs, the sameness of the mass allowed us to drift off. We missed the newness because of the sameness, but it was there. This is a fact, and it is also a liability for Catholics, we are not a high production mass with light shows and sound systems to rival the latest rock concerts, we are calm and subdued we are the Lords Mass, the last Supper not recreated but the Last Supper for all times.

In our fallen nature, we fall not because we want to, not always, but we fall because we are made to. God created us with free will, and with free will comes failure. We are bound to fall, to trip and stumble along the way, the path to salvation may be freely given to us by the death and resurrection of Christ, but it’s not easy, nor is it for the lazy.

We have a hard road to salvation, our Calvary is high up and the road leading to it is covered in stones and pot holes. We stumble and fall because we are of a fallen nature, not because we choose too.

We make attempts, take leaps and travel the road blind, and sometimes, just sometimes we hit out mark, get it right, but more often then not we fail. We fail due to our humanity not due to our desires. We attempt, and we fail, such is our life as a fallen race. But the main thing is that we attempt that we keep tiring, that we keep the faith and keep walking.

The challenge it to learn from our failed attempts, to learn and grow, and f we can do that, of we can see the same walk as new, if we can learn that our faith walk is one of sameness not to bore us, but rather to allow us to learn and grow, to allow us to see our failed attempts and to allow us to retry, to get a do over or for you golfers a mulligan.

Life is full of sameness, its part of our fallen nature, and its part of Gods graces to us, God allows us to redo, to see it again and to try, try, try until we get it. God understands that we are fallen people that we are sinners, and perfection is not part of our nature. God allows us to fall, to miss the mark and to walk blindly because he understands that sometimes that all we can do. We are just simple servants, with limited abilities to understand, we are only human, and we are only perfect in our imperfection.

So yah, yesterdays blog missed its mark, I fell short and I walked in to it with my eyes closed. Yah the message was most likely missed by all, but I am walking blind along this road. My faith walk is along a very steep and high road to Calvary and it is covered with rocks and pot holes and I seem to find each and everyone. But I am not discouraged nor am I  to overly concerned because I know that I am not alone on this walk, I know that many ate with me, and the some are falling as much as I am and the many more are finding the clear path, and some are clearing the path for me. God has given me the gift of faith, and the desire to teach and share it, so I know that God has also given me the ability to deliver his message, all I need to do is open my eyes to the sameness to see the newness. That is what I attempt to do each and every time I blog, I try to see something new, I try to clear the path for you, to move one stone, to fill one pot hole, and to hold your hand when you to are blind. But sometimes I fail, sometimes I miss my mark. Such is life of a human.

Paul

cast malice in obscurity…

and as this illusive sky entwines vanity in deepest despair… a perfect symmetry will grant us our fantasized finality…

My first wish is to see this plague of mankind, war, banished from the earth.” These are not the words of a pacifist or peacenik. General George Washington, the canny military strategist and first leader of the American army, recognized that war is a horror. While we bask in our independence today, let us also recognize the price paid by those—then and now—who fight for it. After the Revolution, 25,000 Americans lay dead. About 25,000 more were seriously wounded or disabled. That is a high price, indeed, for our freedom. Since 1776, the world has fought more than 300 wars, and nearly 40 conflicts still rage. The cost remains steep.

Today, 1.6 million Americans have served in Afghanistan and Iraq. Over 4,000 are dead. Those who return are missing limbs, are disfigured, are coping with traumatic brain injuries. Still others have less visible wounds. Over 300,000 now exhibit symptoms of post-traumatic stress and alienation here at home. They have broken marriages, unchecked anger, thoughts of suicide. Their military service may be over, but they and their families (including over two million children) remain profoundly affected. The costs related to stress and depressive disorders may reach $6 billion over the next two years, according to a recent study by Rand.

And that’s where we, as civilians, must activate. We must commit ourselves as everyday people to reach out to these wounded warriors to help them overcome. Because I am here to tell you, nobody survives trauma alone.

I have spent the past twelve years building a global network of people helping each other overcome the terrible cost of war—helping “victims” become “survivors.” In over 116,000 peer visits across the war-torn regions of the world, we have learned a few things about what separates those who lie down and embrace their suffering, and those who rise above, rebuild their lives, and rejoin their communities.

Survivors who successfully overcome traumatic injuries follow five basic steps. First, they Face Facts. These people don’t run from the truth of what’s happened to them. They don’t deny injuries, or disfigurement, or anger. They look at them, and incorporate them into their lives.

Second, they consciously Choose Life. It is crucial to remind ourselves and each other why life is worth living. Rising suicide rates must be addressed head on, because most of these individuals don’t want to die as much as they want their pain and despair to end.

Third, true survivors Reach Out. They reject isolation and divisiveness. They know that, to move out of a war victim mentality and onto the path of positive survivorship, they must drop their shell of anger and resentment.

Fourth, survivors have to Get Moving. Those traumatized by war, whatever the condition of their bodies, must get active. We all must take responsibility to do what it takes to “get in shape” for whatever the future may hold.

The fifth—and perhaps most crucial key to resilience and recovery—is to Give Back. Survivors recognize that it’s better to be a benefactor, not just a beneficiary. Everyone can have a role to play and contribute in big and small ways to our families and neighborhoods. To the veterans who served in war, I say learn to serve again. Become active members of your communities. Show your strength, creativity and work ethic to your friends and neighbors. You may look different, you may feel different, but you can still contribute.

And to the United States, as we struggle to recover from the war trauma we experience as a nation, I offer the same practical advice: Face Facts. Choose Life. Reach Out. Get Moving. Give Back. Families and citizens remain divided over whether we should have gone into Iraq in the first place. The Revolutionary War was no different—many wanted to avoid war or align with England. (Benjamin Franklin's own son, William, the Governor of New Jersey, remained loyal to Britain throughout the war, as did nearly 20% of the colonists.) But at the end of the war, then as now, we emerge as Americans.

When we can admit our imperfections and share our strength as survivors, as Americans, we are united. Certainly, as victims of war we have pain. We know loss and sacrifice. But we are still strong. Because it is more than just pain that unites us. It is our shared hope for humanity—our ability to overcome—that binds us together.

I am convinced that within each human being lies an inextinguishable flame, an irrepressible voice whose refrain is unmistakable: I choose freedom. I will not choose to hate, to wallow in self-pity, to retaliate. I instead choose to live, to thrive. I believe that this is the American way. Some say we are becoming less resilient and more cynical as a nation. And, if we keep making excuses and pushing our responsibilities to each other away, that is the path we will be on. But, I think we are better than that. I believe strength and generosity can be found within each and every one of us.

So, let’s honor our Day of Independence by uniting in empathy and support for families struggling with fresh wounds. In our mutual survivorship, there is no “us” and “them”—no civilian versus military, democrat versus republican, victim versus survivor. We are united in our commitment to one another. Choose resilience and optimism. Choose to reach out to those who are suffering. Let our lost loved ones, and their memories, cheer us onward and upward. And as fireworks explode behind the Washington Monument this July 4^th, let it commemorate and shout out America’s characteristic optimism and can-do confidence that we can and will overcome this “plague of mankind.”

My first wish is to see this plague of mankind, war, banished from the earth.” These are not the words of a pacifist or peacenik. General George Washington, the canny military strategist and first leader of the American army, recognized that war is a horror. While we bask in our independence today, let us also recognize the price paid by those—then and now—who fight for it. After the Revolution, 25,000 Americans lay dead. About 25,000 more were seriously wounded or disabled. That is a high price, indeed, for our freedom. Since 1776, the world has fought more than 300 wars, and nearly 40 conflicts still rage. The cost remains steep.

Today, 1.6 million Americans have served in Afghanistan and Iraq. Over 4,000 are dead. Those who return are missing limbs, are disfigured, are coping with traumatic brain injuries. Still others have less visible wounds. Over 300,000 now exhibit symptoms of post-traumatic stress and alienation here at home. They have broken marriages, unchecked anger, thoughts of suicide. Their military service may be over, but they and their families (including over two million children) remain profoundly affected. The costs related to stress and depressive disorders may reach $6 billion over the next two years, according to a recent study by Rand.

And that’s where we, as civilians, must activate. We must commit ourselves as everyday people to reach out to these wounded warriors to help them overcome. Because I am here to tell you, nobody survives trauma alone.

I have spent the past twelve years building a global network of people helping each other overcome the terrible cost of war—helping “victims” become “survivors.” In over 116,000 peer visits across the war-torn regions of the world, we have learned a few things about what separates those who lie down and embrace their suffering, and those who rise above, rebuild their lives, and rejoin their communities.

Survivors who successfully overcome traumatic injuries follow five basic steps. First, they Face Facts. These people don’t run from the truth of what’s happened to them. They don’t deny injuries, or disfigurement, or anger. They look at them, and incorporate them into their lives.

Second, they consciously Choose Life. It is crucial to remind ourselves and each other why life is worth living. Rising suicide rates must be addressed head on, because most of these individuals don’t want to die as much as they want their pain and despair to end.

Third, true survivors Reach Out. They reject isolation and divisiveness. They know that, to move out of a war victim mentality and onto the path of positive survivorship, they must drop their shell of anger and resentment.

Fourth, survivors have to Get Moving. Those traumatized by war, whatever the condition of their bodies, must get active. We all must take responsibility to do what it takes to “get in shape” for whatever the future may hold.

The fifth—and perhaps most crucial key to resilience and recovery—is to Give Back. Survivors recognize that it’s better to be a benefactor, not just a beneficiary. Everyone can have a role to play and contribute in big and small ways to our families and neighborhoods. To the veterans who served in war, I say learn to serve again. Become active members of your communities. Show your strength, creativity and work ethic to your friends and neighbors. You may look different, you may feel different, but you can still contribute.

And to the United States, as we struggle to recover from the war trauma we experience as a nation, I offer the same practical advice: Face Facts. Choose Life. Reach Out. Get Moving. Give Back. Families and citizens remain divided over whether we should have gone into Iraq in the first place. The Revolutionary War was no different—many wanted to avoid war or align with England. (Benjamin Franklin's own son, William, the Governor of New Jersey, remained loyal to Britain throughout the war, as did nearly 20% of the colonists.) But at the end of the war, then as now, we emerge as Americans.

When we can admit our imperfections and share our strength as survivors, as Americans, we are united. Certainly, as victims of war we have pain. We know loss and sacrifice. But we are still strong. Because it is more than just pain that unites us. It is our shared hope for humanity—our ability to overcome—that binds us together.

I am convinced that within each human being lies an inextinguishable flame, an irrepressible voice whose refrain is unmistakable: I choose freedom. I will not choose to hate, to wallow in self-pity, to retaliate. I instead choose to live, to thrive. I believe that this is the American way. Some say we are becoming less resilient and more cynical as a nation. And, if we keep making excuses and pushing our responsibilities to each other away, that is the path we will be on. But, I think we are better than that. I believe strength and generosity can be found within each and every one of us.

So, let’s honor our Day of Independence by uniting in empathy and support for families struggling with fresh wounds. In our mutual survivorship, there is no “us” and “them”—no civilian versus military, democrat versus republican, victim versus survivor. We are united in our commitment to one another. Choose resilience and optimism. Choose to reach out to those who are suffering. Let our lost loved ones, and their memories, cheer us onward and upward. And as fireworks explode behind the Washington Monument this July 4^th, let it commemorate and shout out America’s characteristic optimism and can-do confidence that we can and will overcome this “plague of mankind.”

I was a young when I had her, only 21, so many things I've done and am doing with Kiara and Dj I didn't do for her.  I wasn't able to nurse her for very long, only 2 1/2 months.  I was also still in college, so I didn't get to stay home with her.  Tons of thoughts kept flooding in my mind, it actually made me cry. 

I kept going on and on, thinking of everything I didn't do, wish I would have done, and should have done.  This went on until I finally became conscious enough to realize the beating I was giving myself.  Why do we as moms always beat ourselves up?  We should be thinking about all great things we have done and are going to do with our children on a daily bases. 

We live in a time where mothering our children is no longer good enough.  Instead we have to be the perfect mother.  The house has to be immaculate. The kids need to be smart and well behaved.  Our husbands should be well taken care of. Did I mention we must be climbing up the career ladder at the same time?

Perfection is an illusion that will never be attained. No matter how hard we try to be the perfect house wife, or mother we will always fall short. 

I now a member of the anti-perfect mom club.  Membership is free, all you have to do is love you children and husband. Members of the anti-perfect mom club realize that life isn't perfect.  Life with small children usually strays from what is planned.  The anti-perfect mom gets dirty with their children, and makes breakfast for dinner.  She waits to clean up the house so that she can swim with the kids all day or take them to zoo.  In addition, she wants the best for her husband and does what she can to help him.  Most importantly the anti-perfect mom club is herself and doesn't try to be anyone else!

Have a wonderful unperfect day!

Much Love, Reneca

We got to talking more about our faith and she asked me, 'Are you a cracked pot?'  I went, 'A what?'  She goes on with this... 'Well, do you consider yourself a vessel of God?  And as a vessel, would you say you are a cracked pot or a perfect one?'  At this point, she just lost me but I wanted to see where this was going, so I continued listening to her.  'If you see yourself a cracked pot, you admit your faults, you admit you are not perfect, and it leads to the virtue of humility.  You learn and you grow to depend on God.  And if God is within you, His presence will shine through those cracks for others to see.  But if you see yourself already perfect, what need do you have of God?  And even if God is within you, you are so compact and closed that you keep Him all inside, not letting Him illumine forth.  You bind and limit His graces inwardly.' 

'You are His, His instrument.  Let Him work through you and allow Him to use you to reach others as well.'   Oh.  I know it's something I really need to work on.  My key chain actually reads 'Let Go. Let God.'

She said she got this from a daily inspirational/meditation book she reads.  Just something I felt like sharing. 

Rating:

Atul Gawande, the New York Times bestselling author of Complications, examines, in riveting accounts of medical failure and triumph, how success is achieved in this complex and risk-filled profession. From bn.com

My Thoughts: I began this book at 12am last night, read until 3am, fell asleep, woke up at 10am, and finished it about an hour later. I don't think I've ever done that with a non-fiction book before. This was really, really good.

Gawande is an accomplished General Surgeon with many degrees and all sorts of distinguishments from institutions such as Harvard, Stanford, and Oxford. I quote, from his official website, "He is also Associate Professor of Surgery at Harvard Medical School, Associate Professor in the Department of Health Policy and Management at the Harvard School of Public Health, and Associate Director for the BWH Center for Surgery and Public Health. He has published research studies in areas ranging from surgical technique, to US military care for the wounded, to error and performance in medicine. He is the director of the World Health Organization's Global Challenge for Safer Surgical Care."

But all of these fancy qualification aren't the only reason you should read this book. It's not only well-researched and informative (I feel like I learned so much!) but human and real too. It doesn't make doctors out to be superhuman heroes, idols we should place on pedestals because of their revered profession, or even horrible, disgusting villains when they make mistakes (such as leaving behind surgical instruments in a patient's body).

Doctors are human, and as a result, are driven by human ambitions and human emotions. The title of the book, "Better", is the main focus--better performance, better results, yes, even better payment--but I feel like I was drawn in because of all the fascinating stories Gawande had about his personal experiences with the field of medicine and surgery. It wasn't just, "I found a lump in her breast. I recommended a biopsy. I excised a 1.2cm cut in Operating Room 3 at 12:42pm." Every story he had, he provided a history for. The patients were real people, and the doctors were real people.

Worthwhile and entertaining at the same time. Now I must read his first book, Complications.

-Alice

Juxtapose this ad with an ad a few pages before that for fine art paper. It's a Black and White portrait of a man holding a chicken. If the photographer did any retouching it wasn't on his face. This is a real guy reflecting how he's weathered real life.

This is not to knock the software. The before/after is a way to show how effective the software is. It's just an observation on the idea that less is more. Not all imperfections are distractions. Subtlety is the enhancement.

here were two friends, and both were accused of a crime before the king. Since he loved them, he wanted to show them mercy. He could not acquit them because even the king’s word cannot prevail over a law. So he gave them this verdict:

The first of the two prisoners called back: “I don’t know anything but this: whenever I felt myself toppling over to one side, I leaned to the other.”

The answer to too much pressure and stress is not the death of the self from doing either too much or too little. It is life lived between the poles of too much and too little. It is life flavored by many things, not surfeited in a single thing that consumes our energies and dampens our appetite for the rest of life.

The spirituality of balance has five attributes: equilibrium, variety, self-awareness, re-creation, and an appreciation of the value of imperfection.

Equilibrium is the ability to know when to quit. When we find ourselves immersed in any one part of life to the detriment of all its other facets—family, prayer, rest, education, play—we are no longer running our lives; our lives are running us. Something we need, something that is air and blood to our very beings, is being denied. Something inside of us is drying up and will surely come back to haunt us in years to come.

Variety is the gift of learning to savor life at every level. We go to the children’s basketball games because we love doing it, not because we feel we must do it. We take family time and play time and reading time and rest time because each of them makes us a fuller human being.

Self-awareness is the monitor of the heart that tells us when we’re too tired too often to be able to really enjoy life, to be our best selves for everyone around us. When the fatigue settles into the center of our souls, when we get up as tired as we were when we went to bed, when we only half-listen, half-read, half-smile, and half-care about anything anymore, we are inclining dangerously to one side. It is time to tilt to the other.

Re-creation is the virtue that sends us off to cleanse the palate of our souls from the noxious residues of yesterday. It is that one single activity—the piano or the bowling team, the fishing boat or the woods, the workshop or the computer class—that makes us forget yesterday’s concerns and makes us young of soul again.

Imperfection is the gift that saves us from destroying ourselves in the name of some apotheosis of excellence that exists only in our own mind. It is the delusion of perfection that drives us to live so imperfectly. There are some things in life worth doing that are worth doing poorly. When being perfect is one aspect of life that destroys the rest of life for us, it is time to lean, lean, lean as far away from it as possible before we stop doing what only we can do in this place, with these people, at this time.

Welcome to the Wisdom of the World and Its Meaning for You

Sr. Joan Chittister, OSB

My notes:

I subscribe to the weekly newsletter from Sister Joan. I could not help myself when I read today's issue. i hope Sister pardons any copyright issues my quote has created. She is so holy...

yet subtle you remain in your frigid confines…

let me stay by your side… until your sorrow is no more..

thank you!!!

Imperfection means that we are broken and still in need of work.

Whether it's physical, emotional, or spiritual perfection we seek, we set our goals high and are crushed when we fall short, looking for someone or something to blame.

It isn't simply our billion dollar search for the perfect body.  It's our search for the perfect marriage, the perfect life...even the perfect spirituality.  Nothing is safe from our obsession with getting it right.

Life is so rarely perfect, yet it can be perfection.  How so?  How can the paradox stand?

"The legend behind the phrase "Persian flaw" goes that in ancient times, Persian rug makers were deeply religious and believed that only God could make something perfect. They would deliberately drop in a small faulty stitch, a flaw, into each Persian rug. In doing so, a “Persian Flaw” revealed the rug maker’s devotion to God."

We would never look at a rug with a Persian flaw and think "this carpet is wrong, a mistake", yet that is exactly how we think of ourselves.  We don't view an imperfect piece of art and deem it defective; often the 'flaw' adds depth to a piece, transforms it. 

And sometimes an imperfection makes an object even more precious, more valuable.

You Are Not Perfect

Let go of the idea that you need to be perfect, that you are a broken being who needs to be fixed.  When you are filled with love - for your children, your spouse, your parents - it is because of who they are, their essence; not their perfection.  And so it is the same for your self.

Though you are not perfect, you are perfection.

There is no spoon.

Your goal is not to become perfect in form or thought, in love or prayer.  There is no outside objective that you need to accomplish, nothing that you have to transform or change or substitute or rework or modify or acquire to achieve perfection. 

What you seek is to uncover  your truest self, to remove the fallacies of your existence.  Coming closer to perfection means edging ever closer to the truth of who you are, your being. 

Remove the veil of seeking 'skinny' from before your eyes.  You are  thin; you've just hidden that from yourself with food or escaped the truth of your beauty with television.  You have literally  hidden that truth from yourself.  You don't need to seek what you already have.

Remove the veil of seeking 'love' from before your eyes.  You are  love, and before that truth can be reflected in the hearts of others it has to well up from the depths of your being.

Remove the veils of seeking 'success' from before your eyes.  You are  successful; you just don't know at what.  You are the answer to the unasked question.  The closer you are aligned with your purpose, the more 'successful' you are, but it won't even matter. 

And perhaps, the very flaw you berate yourself for is the ecstatic exultation of the universe at the variety of your soul and being, the very part of the purpose which you will express.

You Are As You Are

What have you been hiding from yourself?  What have you been afraid to face?  What is your fear?

Start to face your fear and you will start to face your truth.  As you move in line with the truth of your being, all illusions - persistent they may be - will start to fall away from you.

And you will not feel a need to force whatever you are left with into a preconceived notion of who you should  be, because you are as you are.