The symposium went extremely well, and with only a couple hitches that were fairly easy to rectify. The early mornings were hard, but plenty of coffee got me through the day. By the end of the 3rd day, my feet were killing me, and wearing heels messed up my back a little bit, although it does seem to be recovering fairly quickly. Interestingly, I can't remember having a single hot flash during the symposium - however, I was having them the night before, and I have had a couple since. Go figure.

I had my first quarterly exam with the oncologist today, and he seems pleased with how I'm doing. When I complained about being tired (after I'd already told him about the nasty cold and the very long hours), he responded (in a manner that bordered on snarkasm) that who wouldn't be, after all that? However, he did check my blood oxygen level to confirm that I don't have another pulmonary embolism (my cold symptoms were similar enough to PE symptoms that he just wanted to make sure); and I'd already had a thyroid blood test scheduled because I'd been complaining about being tired prior to the cold. My blood counts (both red and white) are normal, so I'm not anemic, and hopefully I should have the results back on the thyroid test in a couple days. Since I'm losing weight, I suspect that I'm not hypothyroid - my skin is definitely not dry, either, which seems contraindicative. Apparently a lot of people have few or no symptoms of hypothyroidism - and my older brother is hypothyroid, so it's possible it runs in the family. Guess I'll find out. . .

Now it's the 3rd week without thyroxine causing my body to be in extreme hypothyrodism.  Thyroxine is produced by the thyroid gland, and since I have had the whole durn thing removed, the logical solution is for me to swallow a thyroxine tablet.  Well, that can't be done when this radioactive iodine is coursing through my veins.  In fact, I am unable to take any until the full body scan is done next week.  The consequences of hypothyrodism are not pretty.

Being overly emotional and depressed is only one symptom, but it's a big one.  For the last two weeks I have FORCED myself to be pleasant, friendly and bouyant....but yesterday, I couldn't force anything.  I was angry, frustrated and my emotions were bouncing from the floor to the ceiling in hyperactive patterns.  The most definite consequence was not just the effect on my attitude, but my razor-edged tongue.  Being nasty to the ones I love is in no way how my heart really feels.  Another symptom of hypothyrodism is being fatigued, and boy, do I have that symptom.  I can barely drag my body from the couch to the bed at night opting to fall asleep in the den with the TV blazing.  Those who know me know that's DEFINITELY a sign of exhaustion and depression since I rarely watch TV.

I pulled weeds in the backyard early yesterday morning, and almost fell over from being so tired.  I pressed through it, but now I'm questioning the wisdom of that since I was so tired and bitchy yesterday and said things I didn't really mean.

Of course, over the last 3 weeks I've been extremely bloated and feel heavy.  That's the symptoms of a slower than ususal metabolism, where the mind and body really do slow down.  I'm not used to slowing down (as you can read in prior blog entries).  So, being held down is frightening to me...almost like drowning.

Balance is such a sensitive issue with me.  I strive to attain balance in my emotional, physical and spiritual life, in the whole person.  No one told me that I would be off balance THIS much.  Yes, I struggle to keep my physical balance due to the Parkinson's Disease, but now I'm trapped in a sinking body that feels like it's being used to dredge the Suez Canal.

Today I'm praying for a little energy and for my emotions to stay steady.  And I'm praying that the ones I love, whom I have offended in a miserable way will forgive me for flailing about in the flood of my emotions while I'm sinking to the bottom of the murky tide and spewing angry words.  I really hate myself right now.  I'm ready to get the old Allie back, and you probably are too.