Archie Bunker

The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied:

"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. He appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work uut the height of the skyscraper.

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqrroot (l/g).

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.

But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

The student was Nils Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.

• We leak in your chimney 
• You are a candle, the better burnt out!
• If you spend word for word with me, I shall make your wit bankrupt
• Thou has not so much brain as ear-wax
• Thou wert best set thy lower part where thy nose stands
• Methink'st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee
• O teach me how I should forget to think
• I would not have such a heart in my bosom, for the dignity of the whole body
• Confusion now hath made his masterpiece

Also take a look at the one where Star Trek meets Monty Python.

We interrupt this film to apologise for this unwarranted attack by the supporting feature. Luckily, we have been prepared for this eventuality, and are now taking steps to remedy it.
Projectionist, "Monty Python's The Meaning of Life"

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Bedtime

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.... "Da-d...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

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It was a dark and stormy night...

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?".
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear" she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room".
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy".

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Your Loving Mother (does this remind you of anything you may have heard on the radio?)

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read very fast.

You won't recognise the house anymore when you come home; we moved because your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home. I won't be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

There was a new style of washing machine in the house when we moved in, but it wasn't working too good. I put 14 shirts into it last week, pulled the chain and I haven't seen them since!

About your father - he has a lovely new job. He now has 500 people under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knitted, she put a third one in because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Your sister, Mary, had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet whether it was a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an Uncle or an Aunt.

Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your Aunt Harriet took a flight from New York to Los Angeles last week, said it was the first time she had ever arrived somewhere before she had left. Last time she thinks that might have happened, the doctors said it was Altzeimer's disease.

Your Uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in Dublin Brewery. Some of his co-workers dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. We cremated the body and it took three days to put out the fire.

Your father didn't have much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer and it kept him going until New Year's day.

I went to the doctor on Thursday, and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes - your father offered to buy it from him.

It only rained twice last week. First time was for three days and the second for four. On Monday the wind blew so hard that one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

We received a letter yesterday from the undertaker. He said that if the last payment on your Grandmother's funeral wasn't made, up she comes.

Your loving Mother,

PS I was going to send you ten dollars, but I have already sealed the envelope.

"Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men."-Kin Hubbard

"Why is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person?"-Francois de La Rochefoucauld (also mea culpa)

Here are a couple of incongruities or synchronicities that I found kind of cool:

• The last two people in an Arctic outpost commit a simultaneous suicide with pistols. You see the building from the outside with the wind and the snow howling through the night, then you hear the two pistol shots go off. Five to ten seconds later you see the light in the window go out. While dramatically compelling, who turned out the light?
• An executive goes into his state of the art washroom off his sumptuous office. Some of the facilities malfunction and he tries to leave after the lights go out. He swipes the card reader for the lock on the inside of his private washroom which only has an entrance to his office. When he swiped his card he electrocuted himself, which was the plot hook to the rest of the episode. But why does the bathroom in his private office have a lock, and why is it on the inside of the bathroom door, and why do you need a special ID card to operate it?
• Mulder's apartment number is 42! I guess his apartment is the answer to....
• There is an amazing number of faulty light switches in the series. I know it's an accepted deux ex machina, but it would be nice to have something horrible happen in glowing incandescence or at least fluorescence. Daylight might be even better (but I think they saved it for the movie).
• They always have flashlights, the flashlights always work, and they are always weak lights. I would have liked for a case where a flashlight died in a time of possible peril, and then Scully would say, "Just a second, here's some spare AA's".
• There was a suspect in a small town who had some brain damage. Scully ordered a PET (Positron Emission Tomography) scan to check on the actual damage. Usually this is done only at major universities or hospitals, because you need a cyclotron in the vicinity to make the short-lived radio-isotopes (about a two hour half-life) required to perform the scan. I guess there was a convenient particle accelerator in the neighborhood?
• One of my favourite episodes was the three part sequence Anasazi, The Blessing Way, and Paper Clip. However, one unique element was the longest sequence of telephone tag as a plot element that I have ever seen. It lasted through most of The Blessing Way and part of Paper Clip. They kept missing each others calls, and never had time to check their answering machines.
• There was a really cool episode that made light of itself. It was called War of the Coprophages, and basically made fun of the main characters, the classic plot of insects invading and destroying a small town, and a few other aspects that I will leave for your enjoyment. One classic element that brought a smile to my face was the panicked populace raiding the drug store. During this there was a quick clip showing a U.S. Navy sailor grabbing chocolate bars and packages of nylon pantyhose; it brought back a nostalgic World War II feel for those who noticed, and it also indicated the motivations of the sailor in a nice way.
• In the episode Jose Chung's From Outer Space they made fun of abduction stories. One sequence that was surreal involved the two Men In Black, played by a disturbingly articulate and insightful Jesse Ventura and a strangely silent Alex Trebeck.
• In Quagmire they were investigating the possibility of a Nessie called Big Blue in a lake, after the deaths of several people on the lake shore. In one sequence they were searching in a boat at night and were hit by a large object that they observed moving towards them on the fish-finder. The boat sank and they were stranded on a rock at night in thick fog. While they were sitting there waiting for the light (for some reason they didn't want to go into the water) Mulder started this conversation:
  

  Mulder: Hey Scully, do you think you could ever cannibalize someone? I mean if you really had to.
  Scully: Well, as much as the very idea is abhorrent to me, I suppose under certain conditions a living entity is practically conditioned to perform whatever extreme measures are necessary to ensure its survival. I suppose I'm no different.
  Mulder: You've lost some weight recently, haven't you?
  Scully: Yes, yes I have. Thanks for n-- (Scully glares at Mulder and he laughs)

  In the next sequence, they heard something moving towards them in the fog. They draw weapons and tensely wait for attack. They see a dark object barely poking above the fog. Then they hear it. "Quack, quack, quack..." and they relax, wondering if it will get close enough for supper. A few moments later they hear a massive movement of the water:

  Scully: What was that?
  Mulder: It ain't no duck...

  Then through the mist they see one of the citizens approaching them through the water. He tells them he'll guide them to shore. They ask where he put his boat. He tells the intrepid FBI agents that they are 20 yards from shore (the fog was thick...)

My only other comment is that I'm starting to enjoy the series again, partially for the humourous episodes I'd never seen before, the often surprisingly subtle dialogue, and the compelling yet very understated acting. Also, it's kind of neat to see the clothing styles, cell phone styles (they're really in love with them), and hair styles evolve surprisingly swiftly from season to season. Of course there are the unchanging constants of Mulder's messiness, Scully's neatness and 80's professional power look, the generally wet scenery, and the low lighting costs in every episode. Finally, I would argue that Mulder does smile and have an expressive face. I usually see him smiling at least once per episode, and Scully once per every second episode.

End quote from the opening credits:

The truth is out there

Good to know we're as eccentric as ever.

I laughed so hard! Music and songs were great! A seriously funny movie. I cant wait for the DVD! :)

This is my personal attempt, and all you have to do is as good or better (I'm pretty sure you won't do worse). As I said, embedded puns are cool, and creativity is very welcome.

There once was a man from Nantucket

who went to sea in a bucket.

With a crack and a creak

the side sprang a leak.

There once was a man from Nantucket.

See, how hard can it be?

Just before the end, something happened that kept me smiling all the way to bed. It was the Boot Camp for SUVs, run by a drill sergeant who was an old Willy's  Jeep. When he sent those prissy, polished, pretentious,  prideful,  and poor Hummers and Grand Cherokees into the mud I started grinning, and it hasn't gone away yet.

Some examples:

The Italians: Longest Line of Pizzas

The French: Most People Kissing Simultaneously  

and the Irish : Largest Pub Quiz!

So that says something about the different cultures of course! And if so, then I would say the Australians, Spanish and New Zealanders have the most humour!!

Theyre attemps where among others: Most Underpants pulled on in 60 seconds, Most Socks Worn on One Foot & Most t-shirts worn at once and also Largest Speed Dating Event!!

Here is a funny video from the "Most t-shirt worn at once" attempt!

To see more attemps go here

Taken from: Measure for Measure 

  Mr. Shake himself. What a mouth!

I knew Borat was anti-semitic but I didn´t know how much untill I saw his movie. The funny thing is that Borat was speaking in hebrew whenever he was talking to his fellow Kazakh colleague! It was actually quite reassuring that he was speaking in the hebrew holy tounge, cause his anti-jewish sketches were really far out- and well I am just happy that jewish people have lots of humor!

 And oh- if you haven´t seen the movie yet, keep your eyes open for his fantastic 80´s swimsuit- you only get a glimpse of it and its priceless! Here is a picture :  Borats swimsuit is hot!............NOT!!!

ha ha ha!! That should be illegal!

Now, the last thing i heard, is that Sacha Baron Cohens other charachter, Bruno- the austrian gay fashion guy, will also become a movie. Bruno is another really funny charachter and Sascha plays him really well. Hope the Austrians have a bit more humor than the Kazakhs!!

Here is a pic of Bruno:

 Funkzeit mit Bruno!

"Ahahahaha , Then what did you say?"

It´s so refreshing with the unpolitically correct humour. Realy its like a breath of minty fresh crispy air :)

"Well behaved women rarely make history" -Laurel T. Ulrich.

"Traditions are group efforts to keep the unexpected from happening."-B. Tober

"When I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my own country. I make up for lost time when I come home." -Sir Winston Churchill

Churchill walking in Halifax.

As of today, I have found out the following about my friends:

• My best friend Heather is a Neutral Good Elf Bard Mage
• My AD&D friend and Lankhmar fan John is a Chaotic Good Elf Ranger Cleric, and husband and soul-mate to Vicky
  
• Vicky, his wife and soul-mate, is a Lawful Good Half-Elf Cleric Bard

When I did this on Monday, I was suspiciously close to these, so I tried again. Here is my inner self, well hidden under too much padding.

I Am A: Chaotic Good Elf Ranger Druid

Alignment:
Chaotic Good characters are independent types with a strong belief in the value of goodness. They have little use for governments and other forces of order, and will generally do their own things, without heed to such groups.

Race:
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.

Primary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.

Secondary Class:
Druids are a special variety of Cleric who serves the Earth, and can call upon the power in the earth to accomplish their goals. They tend to be somewhat fanatical about defending natural settings.

Deity:
Solonor Thelandria is the Chaotic Good elven god of archery and the hunt. He is also known as the Keen Eye, the Great Archer, and the Forest Hunter. His followers respect nature, and only hunt when needed, but are quick to defend the forest from intruders. Their favorite weapon is the bow, and they tend to be extremely talented with it. Solonor Thelandria's symbol is an arrow with green fletchings.

[Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)]

So between us four we have:

• two Rangers
• two Bards
• two Clerics
• one Mage
• one Druid
• three and a half Elves
• four Good people, but with a slight preponderance of chaotic behaviour.

The chaotic behaviour makes sense, but there is one individual, Vicky, who is exceedingly organised and goal-driven, to keep us in line. All we need is a good thief, and we could go a-questing. Maybe we could find or recreate the long lost symbol of Newfyndland and the Labrador!

Thief for Hyre! Good wages and a faire share of the lute. May the adventure begin.

Thanks, John.

Rule 101:

Do not live in a tall tower with only one entrance.

Anyway, here is some selected "humour" related to Dungeons and Dragons.

Find your inner Druid: an aptitude test for your ideal character. I'm supposed to be a Neutral Half-Elf Ranger Druid and follower of Silvanus (well, at least it is Celtic).

D&D Christmas Carol.

A D&D Comic: The Order of the Stick

Misc AD&D Humour

Spells Not Worth Mentioning:

• Charm Self
• Delayed Blast Flatulence
• Differentiate Without Error(hey, you never know...)
• Deny Reality
• Dispurse Self
• Extension Cord I, II, and III
• Heel
• Invisibility to Inanimate Objects
• Magic Missal
• Otto's Irresistible Disco-Duck
• Power Word, Smirk
• Tenser's Formatted Disk
• Tenser's Slipped Disk
• Transmute Rock to Stone (reversible)
• Vampiric Breathing (perfect for harassing phone calls)
• Wall of Velcro

Famous Last Words:

• "No really. I can do this."
• "I open the coffin...SLOWLY."
• "Boost me up."
• "A wish? Okay, genie, make me a ham sandwich."
• "I follow them."
• "Let's go in."
• "Let's not go in."
• "Whaddya mean, a pentagram only has FIVE sides?"
• "Trust me."
• "I never get lost."
• "I try to move silently in plate armor..."
• "This 250' wall has so many holes, it should be easy to climb."
• "Why is this man speaking in sign language?"
• "Well ..., I'll touch it again"
• "I'll scout ahead."
• "I attempt to disbelieve"
• "Hey guys...wait up."
• "I never get to have any fun!"
• "Here kitty, kitty, kitty..."
• The Ultimate Famous Last Word: "Oops."

Pranks and Practical Jokes:

• Cast "Grease" at the top of the stairs as the victim begins his descent.
• Give the victim a marshmallow. Cast "Enlarge" on it while they are chewing.
• Spread a rumor in the local mages' guild that the victim's plain old quarterstaff is actually a long-lost artifact of great power. It is so great, it has the power to mask it's natural abilities and hide the evil intent of it's wielder. But be careful!, it holds many powers and to get it away from it's wielder, they must be sneaky. Sit back and watch what lengths mages will go to to take the staff.
• Cast "Alarm" on someone's chamber pot.

A Monk and a Leap of Faith

The Grandmaster of Flowers, Grandfather of Assassins, His Holy
General Priest of Tyr (or some other lawful good god), and the King of
Corymr were talking. They ended up in an argument about whose followers
were the toughest and most obedient. They all decided to find the best
of their best and hold a tournament to see whos was most loyal. Each of
the four tried and tested their followers to see who was the most
powerful and most loyal.
At last they were all ready to compete. They met at the edge of a
cliff. At the bottom of the 50' drop was a lake and in the lake were
poisonous snakes, piranhas, and a dragon turtle. The only way out
was to swim 200 yards across the lake, onto an island. The island was
covered with lizard men and trolls. After passing through them, the
followers would then have to enter a cave that led through a red
dragons lair and would finally allow them to exit back near where they
started.
Looking at his Royal Knight, the King of Cormyr said "Sir Knight,
for the honor and glory of the kingdom I want you to cross that lake,
and return here through the cave." Looking over the scene, the knight
replied "I am sorry my lord, but that is sure death. I cannot do it."
Smiling, the Priest of Tyr turned to his paladin and said "You are
the might of Tyr, most loyal and trust worthy follower. You know the
task, accomplish it and receive the blessing of our Patron." Shaking
his head slowly, the Paladin replied "I cannot do what you ask."
The same thing happened when the Grandfather of assassins tried to
send his man over the cliff.
The Grandmaster of Flowers turned to his follower and said simply
"Do it." Without so much as batting an eye, the Monk dove off the
cliff and into the water. In a flash he was across the lake and
entering the jungles on the island. As the group waited in
anticipation, the heard a distant roar and flames came licking out the
end of the cave. Shortly there after the brave young monk came running
out, burned, battered and bleeding, but alive.
The Grandfather ran over and hugged the young monk. "Son" he said,
"Truly you are the pride of all of the monastery. Ask for anything,
anything at all and it is yours."
"All I want" he replied, "is to find out who the son-of-a-bitch
was that pushed me...."

    Without checking Ron sealed the package and sent it to his new girlfriend with the following
letter:-

Dear Sasha,
 I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which
are easier to remove. These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and
they were hardly soiled at all, I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean
and shiny.  In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have  chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

  Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them
for me on Friday night.

All my love Ron.