About ten or eleven years ago now I worked in a little hippyish sort of shop.I loved working in that shop, I worked there alone so I was my own boss or so I liked to think. Going to work wasn't like going to work.

I had a lovely time with my interactions with people. Just lovely nice interactions nothing to intense. I did nothing all day really just chat to people and sell a few bits and bats of stuff.
For years I had been working in group therapy with people who had drug dependancys in treatment centers so this job was so light and easy. I did however leave this job as I got asked to work in a mans prison Yes! in group therapy again with men who were addressing lots of issues in their 12 step programming .Now that was intense.

Anyway !!

A mother and daughter used to come into the shop regular and I'd just love chatting to them. The daughter Cherie has some sort of spina bifida condition.Barbara the mum has cared for her alone all these years. My admiration and love for this woman was huge, I'm not that quiet when I admire some-one and I always want to do something.

I used to give Cherie little bits and bats of stuff,like I stated earlier I thought I was boss. Id just give her little crystals and stones and rings and stuff like that.  It never once entered into my head that I could be stealing. Hehe! Never.

Anyway !!

This particular day Barbara told me it was Cheries 40th birthday the next day. oh ! Well I asked her if they would like to come out for some tea after I finished work to celebrate. To my amazement she accepted. This woman is such a private woman and never wants any fuss.This woman has pushed her daughter round for 40 years in her wheelchair.Shes always well groomed, lipstick, headscarf and high heels with beautiful silky long grey hair.

We had a great time and chatted more than we have ever chatted,we have never chatted like that again. Just the once. We both talked very personaly about our lives. I was quiet used to talking personaly - years of groups gives me a bit of a head start if thats the right phrase to use.

She got Dianes life in about 10 minuites. I never took a breath, she just smiled so sweetly OMG !! you don't know how sweetly this woamn smiled at me, its bringing tears to my eyes now.

She talked very briefly about herself and her life but I sensed that her very brief to me was not that brief to her. I don't think this beautiful woman gets the chance to talk real honestly about who she is and how she truly feels. She gave me some of her which touches every sense in my whole being.

Cherie had a great time and she blew out the candles. I love Cherie. Shes 50 now, so Barbara must be at least 70. WoW !!

We've never talked again. Of course the hello and hug and how are you when we see each other in the Square. Just that but that in itself is so special, wonderful, meaningful and beautiful.

Over the past ten years that I have known her and took her and Cherie out for Cheries Birthday and had that one conversation with her this is what has happened.

Little bags of presents started appearing on my door step. Oh ! All sorts of beautiful things and I mean really beautiful things.

The presents were always wrapped in lots of newspapers and plastic bags. It was like my birthday, christmas and pass the parcle all at once and I was the winner every time. I'll list some of the items in a minute.

One bag or two or sometimes three would be left on my doorstep. I couldn't believe it and just enjoyed the fact I had a fairy. My daughter was a bit freeked by it all, but my reassurance sorted her out.

I told her that some-one must think that were worth leaving all these beautiful presents for and it must be quiet beautiful for who ever it was to give them to us in secret like they do.

I just loved it - Didn't worry me at all just got me wondering thats all and the wondering was so beautiful and magical so all was well. I did think it was my friend Ann for a while.

Kerri was ill off school one day and I was at work. She saw who our little fairys were. She saw them leaving the presents and sneaking away smiling.

Oh !! I want to cry.

Yes !!

My fairys are Barbara and Cherie.I've been recieving presents now in secret for 10 years. On average I'd say I get left about ten bags a year with at least ten presents in. I get 100 presents a year so in total I have recieved one thousand presants - Is that right.

These are my fairys Barbara and Cherie. They taught me how to be a fairy to.

I hold these two women very dear.These women with their kindness and givingness for nothing other than wanting to give is so beautiful isn't How can I not give - How on earth can I not give. These women have taugh me that there is so much beauty in giving in what ever way we do it.

I'll follow with a comment and list the fairy gifts. No way can I remember all of them. I pass them on in a real fairy way to. Smiling, how can I not.

We keep what we have by giving it away.

Love & Fairys
Di

Last night I sat down with BF, he said he was feeling pretty shitty. And I didn't know if he was sick, or upset or what. Turns out he was writing me a letter. I know we are broken up, but that doesn't mean I don't care about him or want him to be upset. I wanted this to be a mutual parting of ways, and of course, seeing as we will still own a house together and a dog, I want to stay on good terms. And more than that, I can't stand the thought of breaking his heart. So I've been ok with everything thus far, as he seemed to come to terms with everything.

So we talked. He cried. I cried. I was expecting something along these lines to happen. But I explained to him that we were doing the right thing. Someone had to make a move at some point, and of course it sucks for the other person who didn't, and wasn't prepared emotionally. He said he knows he's treated me like shit for the last three months. He said he was trying to make himself not care about me. He said last Friday when I had no plans (and I admit a tiny tiny part of me was hoping maybe we'd hang out and reconnect somehow, even though breaking up with him was on the tip of my tongue) that he hadn't wanted his friend to come over and play rockband, but he invited him anyways, and he doesn't even know why. We talked about all of this sitting in bed with High Stakes Poker on in the background.

I asked him not to do this, that I can't leave him if it's going to be like this, and I can't stand the thought of hurting him. We held hands. Hugged. And when he left for work, seemed to still be in mutual agreement.

Then this morning, he calls me and asks if I'll be home tonight. Tonight is my date with Someone M. I told him I was going out tonight but I'd be home around 7:30 or 8:00. I didn't expand upon it. He said he wanted to talk more if I was willing. I replied he can always talk to me. We hung up, but something was tugging at me, bothering me. I suppose I had an inkling of what was coming. I called him back an hour later.

I don't want to be sneaky, or a liar. I could have easily gone out with Someone M without disclosing anything to either of them. But that's not a good basis for a new relationship, and it's a shitty thing to do to someone you've loved for four plus years. So I told him. I'm going out for drinks with Someone M. He replied he couldn't stop me, even if he didn't like it. I pressed him for what exactly it was he wanted to discuss later.

And then he told me. He told me he knows the type of person I want him to be, and he wants to be that person. He said he wants to be in Haley's life and my life, and he knows he was trying to have a Single Guy lifestyle in a Family House. (I am guilty of that, also) He told me if there is any shred of anything we can salvage that he wants to. He didn't expect to feel like this, and he can't stand the thought of losing me.

I'm a friggin' mess now, as stated earlier. I know he means what he is saying, but it's only a matter of a few weeks, before everyone slips back into old patterns. If GOD could come down and tell me that everything BF is saying is going to come true 100%, I would stay, I'd stay another 4 years. Because I love him, and there is so much about him that is everything I want. But it's been said before, and I can't trust words without action any longer. On the other hand, what if things really do change? What if this really is the final wake up call he needed and he is going to make these things happen? I don't know how much I believe people can really change anymore, especially when the same patterns emerge over and over again. But I want to.

The only idea that I can come up with is to continue with my move to the townhouse. And if he really loves me that much, and is serious about making us his number one priority, then we are only a couple blocks away. I mean, it sounds crazy, to move out and then possibly move back in. But people get divorced and then remarry the same people. If we are truly meant to be, I figure we'll find our way back to eachother.

In the meantime, I have to do something for me. I have to be selfish, no matter how much I don't want to hurt him. Even when it hurts me to say type it. I'm doing the right thing, aren't I? I'm giving him a chance to prove himself while removing myself from the situation.

My Girlfriends are emergency texting eachother to rescue me from letting BF talk me out of leaving once again. They are reminding me he's done this before, and we have not been happy for a long time, and that I have bent over backwards for him and he's given me nothing in return. They are my Best Friends.

And now, I have this date tonight to focus on. I wonder if I'll spend the whole time thinking of BF. Or if I'll feel bad later for not thinking of him at all.

"The most I can do for my friend is simply to be his friend.  I have no wealth to bestow on him.  If he knows that I am happy in loving him, he will want no other reward.  Is not friendship divine in this?"

- Henry David Thoreau

Henry Thoreau suffered with Tuberculosis over his life.  During a thunderstorm in 1859, he was compelled to walk into the rain to count the rings on a tree stump.   From that excursion, he fell ill and never recovered.  Bedridden, he accepted the terminal nature of his condition.  Those around him were amazed at his tranquil nature as death approached.  At the end of his life, a friend asked him if he had made peace with God.  He simply replied, " “I did not know we had ever quarreled.” 

Romans 5:1  Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,

WWW.BIBLEDONATE.ORG

A lot of times, we focus on the day to day activities; the "what's in front of us" and the "what we gotta do to survive". The reality is that everything we see is NOT the most important. I know this because most recently this past summer (you can read about it in the Psycho Babble section) I felt hollow inside.

I was being Little Miss Ambitious on the outside and forgot to nurture my Soul. We are all spiritual beings having a human experience. I am sure you have heard that before. This is the truth. As much as we would like to believe that money makes the world go round or be as important as air. This is not the truth.

If we don't have a thump in our chest that tells us that our ticker is still working, we would be dead. So there is something going on behind the scenes that needs daily attention. Our connection to Our Source for life must continue to be nurtured.

In LA, I did not pay attention to my Spirit and after 3 months of ignoring, I was hollow inside and needed to refuel. I did not properly prepare for that long time away. Everybody has their own way for connecting to Our Creator. Everyone has their own way of making certain that they are grounded and in balance with ones life. In a matter of 3 days, I felt at least 50% back to normal and in about a week, I felt 95% back to balance.

Here's what I did (If you are facing a similar situation where you feel truly defeated, hollow inside, and helpless, you need to nurture yourself) I challenge you to try what I did or make a healthy, positive way for you to do it on your own.

[Please keep in mind that I am not a pastor or minister and my ways are a bit unorthodox~ but whatever works. Right?]

1) I recognized I had a problem and needed to nurture fast

2) I changed my venue and quickly within hours went back to a familiar place where I knew I would be nurtured and loved

3) Saw my Grandma and other family members so that I could laugh and get hugs.

4) Turned my phone off and did not talk to anyone but those I knew would feed my spirit with positive conversation. I ignored all of the possible phone calls that would turn negative and did not feel bad about it. At this point, it is about self preservation.

5) Immediately began to pray to God for rejuvenation and a revitalized Spirit.

6) Decided to get back into a balanced routine.

7) Followed this Routine in this order every day:

Nurture Spirit (Thank God and be grateful for waking up this morning)

Read Daily Affirmations (Clear your mind while reading)

Take Care of your Body (go for a walk, take a shower, eat)

Clear clutter and clean environments (house and car)

Take care of your money matters (make money related phone calls, go to work, focus on career)

Nurture your Relationships (loving, inner circle)

Talk to Close Friends as needed. (Wait until after the first week to call them. Maybe allow one supportive friend in)

[ I would be happy to sell to you my full routine and my over 100 daily affirmations that I use for $3.00. I am raising money for my film, otherwise I would give this plan to you for free. LOL!] You can email me directly at: jamilacrockett@yahoo.com

LOL!

8) Lastly, do something loving for yourself like sample your favorite candy or foods, at a minimum. Don't over indulge. Be kind to yourself and do special things just for you.

9) Keep negative thoughts and people away from you. Most of all don't feel bad or guilty about it.

10) Move forward with things that you've always wanted to do, especially things that will make your life better in some way.

I genuinely hope that you heal and nurture the best way for you. As we continue to rebuild ourselves and arise from disappointments and frustrations, we get better and every time we do rise higher and smarter. I truly believe that.

Peace and Blessings,

J

Anyway, aside from the hugs, I was talking to a girl – an extremely attractive Scottish girl – wo had begun swing dancing a couple of months ago, and she mentioned that tomorrow night she and a few others were heading out together to hear a band. As I mentioned, I’ve been part of the swing dance scene for over seven years and I’ve never been invited to go anywhere with a group of people, or even one person. I have invited people to meet at cafés occasionally but only once or twice did several people turn up.

So you can imagine how cheerful I was feeling by the time the band finished. It’s times like this that there are only two reasons for being alive: I don’t particularly want to meet God and it would be another blow for my father, who is battling with his second bout with cancer and has recently developed emphysema. I don’t think I’d actually commit suicide, I’d just lose all desire to live and probably get killed in a traffic accident because I wasn’t paying attention to the road. Or more likely I’d end up quadriplegic.

Well, it’s almost midnight and happy hour is officially over. I detest weekends.

Gosh, so much energy has been flowing around all of our blogs these past few days.  Can you feel it?  I sure can.  People reaching out to each other, the flow of love, creativity, care, respect, dignity, humility, friendship, grace, and out and out courage.

This energy fills my soul.  It fills me with hope and light.  This world is not lost.  We aren't all animals.  Some of us remember we still are connected to one another.  

Its almost like a love affair to feel this.  The excitement, the passion.  Feeling so connected. I can't wait to check each day to see what has been said and by whom.  All of the little side comments, the laughter, the joy, the tears and the heartache.  Its all here.

So the next time someone asks me why I blog... Im going to tell them... I blog for hugs!

Today is the first day, the first step, towards building my blog. It is my hopes to go forth from this day and utilise this blog to get out my thoughts however random they are at times. To vent, to write my poetry, and just talk in general all the while veiled in this wonderful cloak of anonymity.

Hopefully with this blog, I will be able to get in touch with myself (in the non materbatory sense of course) and figure out what the shit is going on.

So far in my life, I'm hoping to do a few things atm.

1) Lose weight : This blog will detail my personal struggle on my way to becoming a happier healthier person, and hopefully once I'm smaller my boyfriend will find me attractive again. Oh he says I am, but the nose dive in our sex life says he isn't...

2) Find a better job : Through the course of this blog I'm sure you will see that my boss is a real grade A Jack-ass (in the non donkey way) and I would love to ram a telephone poll up his ass. With that said I hope you enjoy my rants, and feel free to comment on them with your own rants as well. Ranting helps us release toxic feelings before we take the anger and turn it into action. Ranting is good for the soul, stop poisoning yourself by holding it in. Vent baby Vent!!! You'll thank me later :)

3) Work on my self. Emotionally I'm a wreck. I'm over sensitive and have a temper. I now live with my boyfriend and at times I'm afraid he'll throw me out because I get so man over the most random things. Though to my credit he does know how to push my buttons and has admitted he does it on purpose to make me mad.. Fun eh?. *sigh* I want to learn how to be a better person.

So now you know generally what I'll be talking about, I'll be sharing my life with you, the most intimate details of everything and you'll never know who I am.. Well never say never eh? But in any case I have no desire to reveal my true name to anyone, nor my location.. For all you know I'm the seceratary in your building who's name you always forget... For the record.. my name is NOT MARY-LOUISE! NoT even close,and if my boss calls me that one more time, I just might go insane.

Hope you enjoy my blog, and if not.. Press that nice little red X at the top of the page or move on to someone else's blog because I'm not forcing you to read.

*** Warning *** I talk in novels, so my posts can get lengthy, if you are bored and want to kill time.. Try reading as many posts as you can.. promise it'll take awhile.

Lots of hugs

Simply Me

Ahhh!*jumps with joy*!!My Jelly Belly's here!=)))Thank you!I haven't eaten a jelly bean in about...1 year?2?I'm not sure but..Ahaha!I get to taste them now..But thing is..I dont want to eat them yet.Hahaha!I like to keep things till they're worthy to be eaten!Ahaha!Tim would know these kind of situation.Haha!Like my UNO H2o!Ahahaha!I regret opening them.-.-''Oh well,will wait till..Saturday then!=)

I know,I'm weird.

=p

(Em)

Love and hugs

~Anointed

And the academy goes too.......

I would like to thank everybody to made this happen

Thanks

Mom and Dad,  Kourt, Paris, Peety Pete, Stinker, Aunt Dot, Uncle Larry... If yall hadn't been there to help me move I would be sitting somewhere on the side of the road crying.

Prayer warrior and cheerleaders and support crew: Mawanna, Ma Edwards, Aunt Margaret, First Lady Edwards, Bishop Otey, Bishop Edwards, Nicole, Tamara, Tasha, Jamie, Buster(Elder T), Step Jones,  Others (you know who you are....)

ps:  if I left you out charge it to me head and not to my heart....

1.Guitar solos

2.My on the way jelly beans

3.My piano

4.My internet speed

5.Chocolates

6.Cheats

7.Huge teddy bears.

8.The smell of fresh baked cookies

9.My grandparents

10.My parents

11.My oh so lazy sister

12.Ashley

13.EEEEEE!!

ahaha..

NOT IN ORDER.

(Em)

Juan Mann – talks about Free Hugs.

- On Its Origins - I'd been living in London when my world turned upside down and I'd had to come home. By the time my plane landed back in Sydney, all I had left was a carry on bag full of clothes and a world of troubles. No one to welcome me back, no place to call home. I was a tourist in my hometown.
Standing there in the arrivals terminal, watching other passengers meeting their waiting friends and family, with open arms and smiling faces, hugging and laughing together, I wanted someone out there to be waiting for me. To be happy to see me. To smile at me. To hug me.
So I got some cardboard and a marker and made a sign. I found the busiest pedestrian intersection in the city and held that sign aloft, with the words "Free Hugs" on both sides.
And for 15 minutes, people just stared right through me. The first person who stopped, tapped me on the shoulder and told me how her dog had just died that morning. How that morning had been the one year anniversary of her only daughter dying in a car accident. How what she needed now, when she felt most alone in the world, was a hug. I got down on one knee, we put our arms around each other and when we parted, she was smiling.
Everyone has problems and for sure mine haven't compared. But to see someone who was once frowning, smile even for a moment, is worth it every time.

♥

This weekend some bad stuff went down.  I'm not ready to talk about it yet...  Thinking about it makes me feel like it was some kind of movie or something.  And I had nightmares last night that weren't as bad as the reality. 

We're no longer talking to my suegra.  Rigo better watch Lupe's back, because she better hope to GOD she doesn't find herself alone with me. 

That's all I have to say right now... 

I love you all.  I won't leave you hanging for ever...  I just need to really think things through before I do something stupid.  Bye!

Change requires action and true change requires faith. When someone claims they can do nothing more than "pray for me", they are in an essence saying they don't want to get their hands dirty - it also shows how wrapped up in their own lives they truly are, failing to notice their friends who are hurting and would benefit greatly from someone merely giving them a hug or letting them talk without fear or repercussion.

A former friend of mine used to say this a lot. She would say this because it was obvious that she was afraid to take any action. It was safer for her to not do anything and just claim that she was praying. I needed her help and her only response was "I'm praying for you". Our friendship was shattered when I told her to STOP praying for me. She freaked out and started yelling how I "could not stop her from praying for me"... which was never my intention... but I openly expressed to her I didn't want her prayers. Her prayers mean nothing to me and have lost effectiveness because she has failed to put action or physical connection behind them. The praying was simply a verbal act, nothing with any motion. Her prayers lacked skin.

I am also finding this skinness praying a lot at the church I have been visiting on and off for the last year. I am tired of people being so superficial and shallow. They claim they are there for each other but you have to be rich, have a great job, be involved with everything, and have been at the church for at least 10yrs to be part of this special club. I'm not going back there because all I hear about is others saying they will be praying for each other and how they are "taking care of each other" (putting skin on their prayers), when I'm sitting there crying and no one will even come over and give me a hug! I can't even find a ride to go to this church because no one is willing to take me, the busses don't run on Sundays either. I don't want to go somewhere like this anymore... because they are not a loving church or a caring church or a forgiving church or a welcoming church because they have a set of criterea you must meet in order to be included. I don't have real friends there because real friends don't just say they are praying for you, they genuinely want to know what is happening in your life and include you in theirs.

I am tired of crying and not having ONE PERSON ask if I am okay. A stranger might come over and put their hand out at a distance and say they are praying for me, but then walk off in disgust or scurry away to find one of their friends.

What needs to happen is for people to stop announcing the fact they are praying and start acting like they are praying. They need to be more open to people who don't seem to fit in. They need to welcome and love and find out why someone has suddenly decided to join them in worship - find ways to include them. There is nothing wrong with offering someone a REAL HUG, not just one of those fake and phony ones, and then be willing to sit and listen. Putting skin on your faith means to show your prayers.

My dad's childhood friend came and stayed with us for the weekend and he's leaving today..=(Aww man..He's soo nice..I remember him when I was younger with his wife and two boys who we'd play with everytime and laugh like mad.=)I miss those days.Its just so nice to see childhoos friends.=)Its always nice to laugh about the things that happened and all.I can't wait to see Ashley.=)So,this whole week has been really good for me.God's been teaching and showing me things which taught me alot.He's taught me how to take a problem as a challenge and how we can overcome it in so many ways.I'm excited what he'll show me in Singapore.I have a feeling I'm not going there for fun and seeing my mum only but I can sense that God's wanting to speak to me there too.=)I can't wait!

Today was a good break,I got to sleep in.I'm sorry guys for not going to church.I'm just so tired and sick and my only chance to sleep in is a Sunday.When I'm more healthy I'll come back.Dont worry!I'm having my time with God at home too.^.^So,Uncle David(my dads childhood friend) gave us a bag of chocolates(THANKS SO MUCH!)Its just what I need,chocolates to keep me understressed.=)We had a bbq yesterday at my Uncle's house.Awesome food!=)Oh,and steak tonight at his place!Woots!I must play basketball today!Work off some of the fats.=pBefore I gain more.=)hehehe..I'm going out wo breakfast soon with my dad and my grandmummy!=)Woots!I have some explaining to do later.Why?Well,because I didn't go to church today,and she's going to ask me.-.-''I want to eat toast!=)I dont feel like eating noodles or rice,my throat needs bread.Which I have to suck on.-.-''

Oh,and I'm currently stuck on this song by Jason Mraz.Nicee..=)I'm always tempted to move back to blogger but I like wordpress.I wont move this time!Wuahahaha!Oh,they have happy tree friends fall out boys.AAHAHAHA!Dum peca masalah!Haha.Its from a song by the way,SING WITH ME DUM PECA MASALAH!!!!haha..okay..I should stop now.Thats all from me.Have a blessed week everyone=)Woots!

Em

I ended up writing her letter inside the card. I filled up both sides. Basically I promised her I would give her children the best life that I was capable of, that I would never say negative things about her to them, I wanted them to see her in the future, and I would keep our communication open. I told her the photo album is a symbol of my commitment to our ongoing relationship. That she'll get the photos of the babies to fill its pages. I also wished her peace and happiness and continued recovery.

I wrote another small note about the disposible camera, instructing her to take all the pictures she could of her with the children, and I will send her copies.

So, as I was finishing this up, it was about 6:15, and L woke up. That is very rare. Shortly thereafter, T woke up. Again, exceedingly earlier than normal. Maybe they sensed today was a special day.

I dressed and fed them, and shortly thereafter the transporter came to get them. He congratulated me on the outcome, and I said, "Thanks," but, again, I feel strange celebrating.

Hours passed, and I wondered how the visit was going. Their father had said he wanted to come. I was wondering if he did. I hope so--if only so the kids can have a picture of him that isn't a mug shot.

I was on my way to the school, and I called the daycare to see if they had been dropped off and to see what, if anything, their mom sent back with them. I was hoping for one thing, and one thing only: a card or letter to them from her.

Instead, I was told that in a McDonald's bag, yes, a McDonald's bag, were bibs, a bottle, wipes, bowls, etc...just the remnants from the items the mother brought to use each visit. And you know what? I was so angry and sad and hurt for my babies.

I know she loves them, and I know that today had to be so difficult. I just am shocked she sent nothing but leftovers from a life she is leaving behind.

I am holding out hope that maybe she just hasn't found the words to say yet and that a letter will come.

I am, right this second, holding, in my lap, T. He is chattering away, fidgeting, and playing with all the junk on the desk. Every few minutes, he turns and kisses me. And he keeps saying, without prompting, "A wud ew." And he keeps smiling and laughing at me. And his hugs! He wraps his little arms around my neck, and I can't imagine a better feeling. This is when I feel like celebrating.

I just hope I can be the mother they deserve.

Early in the morning
I put breakfast at your table
And make sure that your coffee
Has its sugar and cream

Your eggs are over easy
Your toast done lightly
All that's missing is your morning kiss
That used to greet me

Now you say the juice is sour
It used to be so sweet
And I can't help but to wonder
If you're talking 'bout me

We don't talk the way we used to talk
It's hurtin' so deep
I've got my pride, I will not cry
But it's makin' me weak

I'm not your superwoman
I'm not the kind of girl that you can let down
And think that everything's okay
Boy, I am only human
This girl needs more than occasional
Hugs as a token of love from you to me, ooh, baby

I fought my way through the rush hour
Trying to make it home just for you
I want to make sure that your dinner
Will be waiting for you

But when you get there you just tell me
You're not hungry at all
You said you'd rather read the paper
And you don't want to talk

You like to think that I'm just crazy
When I say that you changed
I'm convinced I know the problem
You don't love me the same

You're just going through the motions
And you're not being fair
I've got my pride, I will not cry
Still I can't help but care

I'm not your superwoman (Oh, no, no)
I'm not the kind of girl that you can let down
And think that everything's okay
Boy, I am only human (I'm only human)
This girl needs more than occasional
Hugs as a token of love from you to me

I'm not your superwoman (Hoo, hoo, hoo, ooh, ooh, hoo)
I'm not the kind of girl that you can let down (Hey)
And think that everything's okay (Don't let me down, don't you let me down)
Boy, I am only human (I'm only human, yeah)
This girl needs more than occasional
Hugs as a token (Ooh, ooh) of love from you to me

Oh, baby, look into the corners of your mind
I'll always be there for you through good and bad times
But I can't be that superwoman that you want me to be
I'll give my everlasting love if you'll return love to me

I'm not your superwoman (Oh, no, oh, no)
I'm not the kind of girl that you can let down
And think that everything's okay
Boy, I am only human (I'm only human)
This girl needs more than occasional
Hugs as a token of love from you to me (Oh, no)

If you feel it in your heart
And you understand me
Stop right where you are
Everybody sing along with me

Hoo, hoo, hoo, ooh, ooh, hoo
Hoo, hoo, hoo, ooh, ooh, hoo
I'm the kind of girl that can treat you so sweet
But you got to realize that you got to be sweeter to me, oh, ho, ho

Hoo, hoo, hoo, ooh, ooh, hoo
Hoo, hoo, hoo, ooh, ooh, hoo
I need love
I need just your love

I'm not your superwoman (Oh, no)
I'm not the kind of girl that you can let down (You can let down)
And think that everything's okay
Boy, I am only human (I'm only human)
This girl needs more than occasional (Hey, hey, hey, hey)
Hugs as a token of love from you to me

I'm not your superwoman

Right now I'm confused as to what day of the week it is. I'm always awake it seems, rather I don't sleep at consistent times. There is something to be awake for when my body craves sleep, when my body needs the restoration of sleep to heal.

My teeth, jaw, and ankle are killing me.

The pain makes it harder for me to deal with the emotional ups and downs. Everything seems blown out of proportion or seems to have the potential to become some "major political issue". I can't tolerate the teasing from coworkers as easily, I can't seem to handle it when my apartment gets the least bit warm, and I can't seem cope when my thoughts won't shut up. I feel like I am swinging my fists, even when I'm approached with open arms. As long as I'm fighting, I won't collapse. I know when I collapse, there won't be anyone there to pick up the pieces... because I've knocked out my sources of help in my futile attempts to stay wobbling around on my own two feet. I'm alientating people.

Asking for help hasn't been one of my strong points, even before I got hurt years ago. I always wanted to do things on my own, by myself. Since my accident, I have had to learn to depend on others. This hasn't made made me any more humble, rather it has left me resentful. I am resisting the change that is vital to my existance. I can't make it on my own.

When I feel this alone, I have this fantasy of being hugged by a "friend". It is only a fantasy because I have pushed away most of my friends and the rest of the people in my life I haven't found the courage to show my broken soul. I don't know how to let people into the space in my head where there is so much physical pain and where the emotional pain has simply washed salt into the wounds.

If people knew how truly alone I was, partly because of my own walls... I wouldn't get as many "visitors" as I do now. I'm painfully alone in my real life, as my own family wants nothing to do with me. I have no church family, my attempts at recovery have failed miserably, and even my coworkers hate me. I don't get phone calls or emails, unless I initiate them first.

I pretend I'm okay.

F- Friend

M- Me

Current Status: is pissed. Go away if you don’t want to be bitten (or scratched).

F: would you bite me if i hugged you?

M: depends on why you'll hug me

F: because i'm a vampire and my embrace means immortality

M: immortality is such a lonely word

F: maybe that's because immortality doesn't make good friends

F: friends aren't so good if they die on you all the time

M: not the friends' fault

F: which makes it even worse

M: which makes the not so good friends just helpless friends

F: and immortality gets to live with that forever

F: but seriously

F: *hug*

M: *hug*

M: thank you

M: i hope i won't become immortal because of that