Directed by Uwe Boll

Starring Christian Slater, Tara Reid, Stephen Dorff

Ah Uwe Boll, how do I hate thee, let me count the ways. Let me count the 275,000+ ways other people are showing their distaste for Boll's films at the "Stop Uwe Boll" from making movies petition. If you've seen any of his movies, you'll immediately understand why people are signing this online petition. Boll has publicly and rather foolishly stated that he will stop making movies when the list hits 1 million signatures. But before I ask you to go and do your part, let me just tell how bad a bad movie can get.

My first run in with Boll was at an independent movie festival in San Francisco where Boll was shopping a steamy pile of shit called House of the Dead around to distributors. He seemed charismatic at first, introducing the film, yet once the showing was complete and the insults started flying, Boll turned into the ego-inflated jackass we know today. That film like Alone in the Dark was supposed to be based on the game, yet it had no discernable link to its origins. Rather an hour long rave scene on an island with a cast of the most obnoxious characters to ever grace the screen followed up with a series of ridiculous zombie vs. human fights that made no sense.

And Clint Howard. Another stamp of bad filmmaking.

We started having bad movie night while I was LA which mainly consisted of renting the worst films we could get our hands on, getting loaded, and trying to sit through them. One night we watched my second Boll film, Bloodrayne, and holy shit that was bad...but I think I'll save that for its own post.

Which leads us to Alone in the Dark, which I watched, alone in the dark. I have a bad habit of when I rent or see a film, no matter how bad it is, I'll endure physical and emotional torment to finish watching it. For some reason I decided to dedicate myself to getting through this entire 96 minute turd. Expecting something similar to the game, a favorite of mine from my high school/college days, I was sorely disappointed when Boll turned the film into a ridiculous action movie, with ill-timed disjointed effects, unmotivated action scenes, poor acting (I think Tara Reid is actually drunk or stoned in every shot), and no discernable plot whatsoever.

The writers of the first draft of this film wrote a fascinating article about the experience of writing with Boll:

"The original script took the Alone In the Dark premise and depicted it as if it were actually based on a true story of a private investigator in the northeastern U.S. whose missing persons cases begin to uncover a disturbing paranormal secret. It was told through the eyes of a writer following Edward Carnby and his co-worker for a novel, and depicted them as real-life blue-collar folks who never expected to find hideous beings waiting for them in the dark. We tried to stick close to the H. P. Lovecraft style and the low-tech nature of the original game, always keeping the horror in the shadows so you never saw what was coming for them. Thankfully Dr. Boll was able to hire his loyal team of hacks to crank out something much better than our crappy story and add in all sorts of terrifying horror movie essentials like opening gateways to alternate dimensions, bimbo blonde archaeologists, sex scenes, mad scientists, slimy dog monsters, special army forces designed to battle slimy CG dog monsters, Tara Reid, "Matrix" slow-motion gun battles, and car chases. Oh yeah, and a ten-minute opening back story scroll read aloud to the illiterate audience, the only people able to successfully miss all the negative reviews. I mean hell, Boll knows that's where the real scares lie."

Rottentomatoes ranks this turkey a 1% and it graces the top of many lists as the worst film ever made, but don't take my word for it. Rent it, watch as much of it as you can physically stomach, and then come back here and sign the petition. Please, I beg of you. Think of the children.

You know what? Fuck the trailer, watch this instead:

The tale of a snake demon who preys on the brightest and most creative that humanity has to offer, Serpentine at its heart is a study of our attraction to our own destruction...

Full review at MonsterLibrarian.com

CRINGE-WORTHY!

He just might have pulled it off were it not for some quick-thinking, do-gooder tree service guys who shut down the industrial-sized wood shipper just after suicide man dove in head first.

Yes, you read that right ... they shut it off just after he dove in head first.

::: don't think Band-Aid makes anything for that :::

As you guessed, the man suffered 'severe, life-threatening injuries to his head and torso' and is now an ICU patient at Regions Hospital in St. Paul.

The local teevee station, 5 EYEWITNESS NEWS, says it doesn't normally report suicides, but since the incident took place in a public area they figured, 'aww shit, what the heck'.
As an added bonus, a hardware store’s surveillance camera may have captured the event on tape.

Any guesses on how long before the station has a second helping of 'aww shit, what the heck' and airs that mess?

Regia: Darren Lynn Bousman

Cast: Tobin Bell, Scott Patterson, Betsy Russell, Costas Mandylor, Liriq Bent, Justin Louis, Athena Karkanis,
Simon Reynolds, Mike Realba, Angus Macfadyen

Distribuzione: 01 Distribution, USA, 2007

Guarda il trailer

Jigsaw, (Tobin Bell) l'enigmista, è morto. Tuttavia durante l' autopsia i medici scoprono all'interno del suo stomaco una piccola audiocassetta: si tratta dell'ennesimo efferato gioco del sadico assassino che avrà per protagonista il comandante della SWAT Rigg (Liriq Bent): egli dovrà superare una serie di prove infernali entro 90 minuti per salvare i suoi colleghi. Intanto gli agenti dell'FBI Strahm (Scott Patterson) e Perez (Athena Karkanis) indagano sul passato di Jigsaw, interrogando l' ex moglie Jill (Betsy Russell) e scoprendo così la genesi del demone...

Sarò breve e diretta: questa pellicola mi ha profondamente delusa.

Essendo un'appassionata alla saga dell'Enigmista mi aspettavo l'ennesimo capitolo carico di giochi terribili e lotte estreme per la sopravvivenza che tengono incollati alla poltrona... Nulla di tutto questo: la pellicola si limita a riannodare i fili dei tre precedenti capitoli, aggiungendo delle informazioni sul passato del sadico assassino attraverso il racconto della ex moglie Jill e attraverso le indagini degli agenti Strahm e Perez (A tal proposito va riconosciuta la buona performance di Scott Patterson, il Luke Danes di "Una mamma per amica").

Tuttavia manca una logica di fondo; è una continua altalena tra presente e passato, che all'inizio intriga, ma alla lunga distrae lo spettatore che spesso rischia di perdere il filo.

Il leitmotiv è rappresentato da tanto sangue, da scene crude immotivate (mi riferisco all'autopsia molto, forse troppo esplicita che apre il film) e soprattutto da scene di tortura che ormai rasentano la parodia e il grottesco. La saga è stata spremuta eccessivamente, ma a quanto pare si vuole continuare su questa linea, visto che negli States è quasi pronto il quinto capitolo, questa volta diretto da David Hackl, che subentra a Darren Lynn Bousman, (regista delle ultime tre pellicole della serie).

Come al solito bravissimo Tobin Bell, che in questa pellicola mostra il lato più umano dell'Enigmista e le ragioni che si nascondono dietro l'efferatezza dei suoi giochi mortali: questa è forse l'unica parte riuscita del film...

Conclusione: Sconsigliato, soprattutto se avete amato i precedenti episodi della saga.

Voto: 4

I was expecting a supernatural-thriller that would keep me covering my eyes and jumping out of my seat. The kind of movie that makes me embarrassed to watch in theaters because I hide behind my fingers during the really scary parts. I really thought this one would rival some of the Asian horror-flicks that I love so much when it comes to scares but I was not exactly disappointed as much as I was surprised that it was more of a drama than a thriller. I was afraid a few times but most of the "thrills" were a matter of suspense building to a not-so creepy end. Not to say that I didn't enjoy this movie, because to the contrary I loved it. It just wasn't what I had expected.

The story is basically about a Mother who after returning to her childhood home which just so happened to be a really creepy Orphanage, looses her son and spends the majority of the movie trying to find him. The bond between the mother and her son is very moving and you really feel for the Mother who is willing to do whatever it takes to find her son. The creepiness is overshadowed by the sadness and helplessness that the Mother feels for the loss of her son. The ghosts in the film which you see on the commercials are not so much scary as they are sad because they are children. There is one particularly moving scene when a paranormal investigator/medium visits the home in search of the son and she encounters the children and they are in such torment that I got chills.

The ending is very emotional and I admit to shedding a few tears. So if you are interested in a tear-jerker with a few spooks and thrills then this one is definitely for you. And if you enjoyed this film try seeing other Del-Toro haunts like The Devils Backbone.

At the time this cult classic could occasionally be found on Ebay, in VHS only, going for something around $60.  As much of a fan as I am of the film, I couldn't justify the cost for a dying format.

But $12 for a DVD version?  Sold- to the tall guy with poor fashion sense standing in the back!

Amazon lists a tentative release date of July 15th for this, what can only be described as, so-bad-it's-good horror film.

The story involves a surgeon, conveniently called The Surgeon, who is grossly disfigured in a car wreck near an asylum.  Well okay, at the time of the wreckhe's just wounded.  However, the passing years of coping withthe death of his wife (Tina) in the same car accident causes his skin to rot away while he continues living... this isn't explained anywhere in the film, it's just my guess.

Anyhoo, a few years later, a group of kids go to the asylum to take in some sun.  They cross paths with an industrial goth band, who are inexplicably practicing in one of the wings of the asylum, and completely fail to hit it off.  As the story progresses, the goth band riles the prep-ish kids and their one geeky cohort by throwing water filled condoms at them... which is ingenious thinking on the director's part as there is no other need for these in the film. 

So The Surgeon starts killing people, breathing heavily and offering witty comments to the deceased.  Everyone is in danger of losing their life, except the lead actress who reminds The Surgeon of his beloved Tina.  She gets to run around the asylum in a swimsuit.  One by one, the characters are picked off until, alas, the surgeon and pseudo-tinameet for an ever exciting climax, which is also polished off with a witty response to the deceased.

Obviously, plot alone can help you understand just how bad the film is, but it is the dialogue which really makes this a classic.  It's been a good 13 years since I last saw this film and my childhood friends and I still cannot resist quoting soundbites from it.

If you need anymore incentive, consider this.  This film was Sex and City actress, Kristen Davis', first film.  Just imagine watching Kristin and all her talent in its primal and raw form; before it was sculpted into some refined talent worthy of the masses.  

Oddly enough, it took nearly 4 years for he to recover from this film and land another acting role worthy enough for mention on IMDB's bio of her.

You did the best you could, the more I understand you – or not.

One particular memory remains in the box and I’m too frightened to go there.

Was it a sick and twisted reality?  I should bury it now.

Give me a spade and miles of beautiful black earth.

I have to say that I enjoyed The Joss even more than The Beetle! I give a brief description of the tale below the fold...

Like its predecessor, The Joss is broken into four parts, each of which is told from the point of view of a different character in the story. Mary Blyth, a hard-working Londoner, begins the narration, describing an extremely bad day which precipitates all the later horrors. The same day that she gets unfairly fired from her place of work, a number of mysterious strangers cross her path, each of whom seems to know her and has a unhealthy interest. Several of these strangers end up in an altercation with each other, and Mary and her friends end up fleeing, possibly for their lives.

The next day, Mary is approached by a solicitor, who informs her that a distant uncle has died, leaving her a substantial fortune and a house to live in. Unfortunately, the fortune comes with conditions, among them: she may not allow any men into the house, ever, may only take a single woman as a companion to stay with her, and she must always be inside the house between 9 p.m. and 9 a.m. every night!

The mystery Marsh sets up here is a compelling one. Unlike The Beetle, I found the story immediately engaging: there are numerous parties interested in Mary and competing for her attention, some of whom are willing to take violent action. Furthermore, there is a sinister, crudely-shaped idol that is passed to Mary early in the story and continues to appear inexplicably as the tale progresses (it reminded me of this song).

In The Beetle, the threat comes from Egypt; in The Joss, the threat comes from the Far East. It is never clearly stated which country in particular is involved, though references are made to sailing in the Gulf of Tonkin, which suggests Vietnam, Cambodia, or one of the islands in the region. I'm not entirely sure whether Marsh himself had a clear idea, because his descriptions sound more like stereotypical depictions of Polynesian tribes and their tikis. The region may have been on the mind of Marsh and the public as, according to Wikipedia, several of the French Polynesian islands appealed unsuccessfully for British protection in the late 1800s. In any case, I enjoy the story more if I imagine the creepy idol of the story to be a 'taboo!' tiki!

The book has its share of chilling moments. The house which Mary Blyth inherits is an old, abandoned ruin, infested with rats and vermin and retrofitted with solid steel doors and shutters. The descriptions of their first night there, and their ill-advised trip out after 9:00, are quite effective. Later in the book are some scenes of genuine cringe-inducing horror, including a depiction of human sacrifice, which is astounding considering the era in which the book was written!

I also found the ending of The Joss to be more satisfying than the ending of The Beetle, the latter of which involves a bit of deux ex machina. The Joss, in contrast, is a story that involves a horrifying, shocking secret, and it is well worth the read to find out what it is.

The Joss is a surprisingly effective, creepy, shocking, turn-of-the-century horror novel that I would recommend to anyone interested in the genre. (Note: It probably wasn't as popular as The Beetle because nobody knew what the heck a 'Joss' is!)

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Now imagine your average teenager. As modern technology and its inundation of objectifying messages isolates them and at the same time sublimates their importance by selling them images of who they are meant to be that few will likely match, they become pushed into their own set of corners where they are also forced to adapt. Sometimes they create electronic personas with which to communicate, other times they withdraw into lives of quiet desperation where any number of dead ends await including drugs, crime and massively dysfunctional family cycles. In cases all too common these days, violence against innocent people becomes another choice.

In both cases you have an intelligent creature who somehow falls in between what is expected of them and what we allow them to be. Usually what accompanies such expectations is a serious lack of understanding, and a tendency towards generalization and simple definitions of what they mean to our adult concepts of progression. In my opinion, only one generalization can be made: both mark a failure of society at large. Sure, human beings need to spread out and a cursory glance to the food chain means that little, furry fellers like the coyote need to move aside. But are we doing all that we can so that the transition demonstrates an advocacy for both species? And what of teenagers who are fed images and expectations that they can never meet because the tools of achieving them – our educational system, for one – is insufficient, or worse, itself sublimated to a culture where they are only as important as what can be taken from them. Both creatures adapt by their instincts, and to counter those instincts is to create an enemy.

Think about that for a second: create an enemy. What if all of our problems could be solved by looking forward, taking the time to understand all the factors involved, and then taking steps to avoid them? Sound like a perfect world? Am I doing some kind of tired, out-of-my-ass Eddie Vedder impression? Sadly, I guess I am.

My point here was not to soapbox but to draw parallels and relationships between two interestingly connected elements of modern society, and in particular, elements that we find every day in the city of Los Angeles. In California alone, 2007 NRS statistics put the number of crisis calls from runaways at 28,178. Needless to say, not every one of them calls. And in most cases, I gather, no one calls at all. As for the coyotes, well, there is only so much room, and it's running out just as fast as the tolerance for these "evil vermin".

So I got to thinking: what about a story involving – not a boy and his dog like we have become accustomed to seeing – but a boy and his coyote, and connecting it to the problem – our problem – of marginalized youth? The Lost Boys did the runaway thing to an extent with fantastic results, and to be honest, mullets never looked better. Of course, there has to be a killer, horror hook or I'm not interested. And I think I have one – but more on that later. For now, let's get back to our story (note: parts one and two available in the "stories" section):

As Friday winds to a close, Dr. Radan is strangely compelled to work an introduction to our pill-popping heroine. Soon after, he indulges in a rather unusual happy hour up in his room while Eliza finds her own way to wind down from the day’s events. And as Friday comes to a close, we're left with an eerie suspicion that the two will meet again.

HorrorCon – Friday (part three)

(Il racconto è stato elaborato in vista di un concorso che

prevedeva scritti da 300 parole ciascuno) 

ichael rientrò nella sala da pranzo. Ultimamente soffriva di insonnia.
Era sicuro di aver sentito la lavastoviglie fare il risciacquo. La spia verde dell’accensione, adesso era spenta. “Ma come?” Pensò “Eppure prima l’ho vista acce...” Non finì quel pensiero. La musica che lo tormentava da giorni, esplose di nuovo. Un suono infernale. Lo sentiva dall’interno. Gli frantumò i timpani.
Le sue ginocchia trovarono il pavimento scostante. Freddo e severo nella sua durezza. Provò dolore. Ancora una volta non gli fu utile coprirsi le orecchie. Le rughe attorno agli occhi furono inumidite da due lacrime che si liberarono con prepotenza.
Il suo urlo divenne un latrato che squarciò il silenzio di quella notte romana. Cominciò a respirare affannosamente. Si sentì mancare.
Perse i sensi tonfando rovinosamente sul marmo, per terra.
Trina comparve dal nulla. Vide un uomo disteso al suolo in una chiazza di vomito. Prese la sua anima e disse: “Tu sì che sei stato un osso duro”. Rise sguaiata. Scomparve, prima che albeggiasse.
Stephen caricò la pistola e la infilò nel fodero sotto la giacca. Prima di uscire si guardò allo specchio trovando il suo viso troppo spigoloso.
Il tg trasmetteva un servizio. Tese l’orecchio per ascoltare dal bagno. “Altra morte inspiegabile.” Pensò.
Corse davanti allo schermo. Prese il distintivo, si infilò parte della colazione in bocca. Uscendo disse tra i denti: <<Maledetta strega, prima o poi la smetterai di collezionare anime.>>

Andò nel bosco. Recitò il rituale rubato a un prete la domenica prima.
Trina rispose al richiamo. La lama del pugnale le disegnò una croce in fronte. Si dissolse ululando. Stephen ghignò soddisfatto.
Con un gesto imprigionò le anime, fuggite dal cuore della strega.
“Finalmente sono mie.” Pensò.

Luciano Majelli

Author Stephen King plays a game called, "You're the Warmest, Fluffiest, Most Unthreatening Friend Ever." Three questions about nice things to ask the man who has scared us out of our wits for decades. 

I think it's one of King's best appearances.  Here's the clip: Stephen King on Wait, Wait... Don't Tell Me.   

.

Well the less said about this the better....for all concerned.....still washing eyes out with peroxide.......the...horror

Find some best horror books, you may have missed!

1. Voice of the Night by Dena R. Koontz,Dean Koontz
2. Jaws by Peter Benchley
3. Children of the Night by Dan Simmons, Jane Simmons
4. The House Next Door by Rivers Siddons Anne
5. Black Lightning by John S. Saul

Get to know Tej Kohli more on Typekey

So of course I woke up at 2:59AM for the first time in a while, gathered enough courage to get up and watch some TV downstairs. Fifi's upstairs probably on her third dream.

Just remember, if you ever wake up at 3AM- smell your surroundings. If you smell something burning, you should probably be like every white girl in the movies and go check out what it is. If the gas stove isn't on, and you verified that no source of fire is lit- then within 10 minutes of smelling that fire we will have another Emily Rose or Exorcism on our hands. Remember to leave me in your will. Don't bother tugging back at your bedsheets, that thing pulling it won't stop.

Man, nothing shows this late on TV, and now it's 4AM. Phew, I made it. The cat's sitting next to me so of course I feel secure. Animals freak out at danger. Then again, this one's pretty slow at life.

     The birds were chirping. I could hear them. I felt so groggy, but still I opened my eyes. I had the worst headache, but the sun was shining. I got up slowly and made my way to my pants, made my coffee. Just going through the morning routine, though I felt so strange. What happened last night? I wondered. I had a strange dream. More like nightmare, I thought to myself. It was so real; I still felt like it was real, but it… it couldn’t have been. I rubbed the back of my head and continued on with my day. Perhaps it’s just the stress from work getting to me.

     I drove back from work that night feeling a little down. Oh well, everything will be fine, I thought as I ignored my anxious feelings. I always hated driving while it was dark outside, it made me nervous. Sighing, I adjusted my rearview mirror. A figure! A shadow out of the corner of my eye in my mirror! No, it was my eyes tricking me. I blinked away the thought. No! There was a figure behind me and it was reaching out! No! Oh my God!

     Cold, I was freezing again. This time, I was against rough pavement; bonded at the wrists and ankles. Who-what-when-where-why-how? I spewed questions to myself like a volcano erupting in my head. Oh God, Oh God! Hesitantly, I opened one eye – then the other. I was in a dirty shack of an abandoned warehouse-like building. Ropes were hanging from the ceilings, and I could only imagine what those and the various probe-like utensils scattered around the paved floor were meant to be used for. I heard a dark, quiet voice mumble indistinguishable jumbled syllables. I couldn’t tell where it had come from. As I scanned the area, a hard whomp! hit the back of my head from nowhere and I was out again.

     I woke that morning in quite a panic. That was no dream, nor nightmare! I screamed in my head.
     “Doctor, she’s awake.” I heard in the distance.
     I opened my eyes carefully. I was in an annoyingly white room; the walls were soft as was the floor. Official looking people dressed in white were hovering over me, observing my reaction. One had a clipboard; she was holding a pen rose slightly over her paper and was watching me in anticipation it seemed. I mumbled some indistinct thoughts jumbled together and the woman with the clipboard wrote furiously on the poor paper. A man sat in a large chair in the corner. He looked almost bored, but when I mumbled he rose in an interested manner.
     “Honey, you’re at a mental hospital. We’re monitoring you because you’ve been displaying some odd behavior. Now, I’m going to play you some security tapes and you tell me what you remember and how you feel about any of this.” The man spoke clearly.
     “Don’t tell them anything! They’ve got you right where they want you! Don’t you tell them a damn thing!” I heard a dark, quiet, and all-too-familiar voice mutter. I couldn’t tell where it was coming from.
     I sat there, bewildered. It must’ve been obvious. They had me right where they wanted me! What kind of doctors are they?!

     The first tape began playing. It was me, walking zombie-like into the basement of an old, abandoned house that was monitored for security. I watched me chain myself up after various strange movements and gestures. It looked like I was shouting for quite some time. The rest of these tapes were the same, places I’d had “nightmares” of, places I didn’t even recognize… But there I was, doing horrific and weird things before passing out momentarily and wandering back home. How I had accomplished all of this, I had no idea.

     Days passed by, I had not uttered a single word since waking in the hospital. I heard the doctors talking outside the door though.
     “What do you think it is?” The nurse asked.
     “We won’t know anything until she starts talking.” He replied.

(I leave you to your own imagination.)

Light joins the task force searching for Kira in an effort to avert suspicion from himself and also, to get rid of L. The mystery deepens as another Death Note with its God of Death, is brought into the human world. A second and third Kira complicates the mystery. Making things even more unpredictable are the 'Eyes of Death', given to the second Kira, enabling the owner to know the true identity and lifespan of any person. Who would get hold of the 'Trump Card' which would determine the outcome of events? And who will be the Last name?<Yahoo! Movie>

Click here for the trailer

Stream

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CrunchyRoll

Here's our first entry in the Dark Door films blog. As we move forward with a few upcoming productions, we'll include updates and entries from the cast and crew, production stills, artwork, behind the scenes videos and other various goodies.

The first one of these is the teaser trailer for a promotional short film adaptation of our script "The Stricken".

Enjoy.

J.L.D

I read it on the way home (from our amazing victory at kickball!) from the city, on the subway at 1am. I didn't really read - more like glanced. And then I stopped. i was scared and jumpy and eyeing the possibly zombie-infected homeless man in the car with me.

I made Frank stay on the phone with me the whole walk home. I will not be finishing this book. A magazine will have to do it for me tomorrow. Thank god Saturday is library day.

Lots of fun stuff. Big thanks to Beth over at IconsOfFright.com for being so kind to us and letting people know who we are and what we're about.

YOU CAN READ THE ENTIRE INTERVIEW BY CLICKING HERE!

Enjoy and don't forget to come back here and leave a comment to let us know what you think! And don't forget... DIARY OF THE DEAD on DVD May 20th. That's this Tuesday!
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Available via the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society...but of course.