idon'tknowwhattosaytoyou.
ibarelyknowwhatididtoyou.
ican'tapologize.
ican't.

I was listening to the droning hum of the bus and the mellow conversation of people around me.  Whenever something larger is on my mind, I tend to listen to people around me for direction, or noises and undertones for answers.  My mind takes in these noises and rearranges them to suit my own situation, and somehow I feel like the entire community is connected with my personal life.  Perhaps it's irrational, fuck if I know, I just know that despite all of the logic and rationality I trust, I still think everything is connected to me in some greater way.  Someone must be fucking with me.  Is it you all along, all the way on the other side of the country?

she looked to me and paused only for a split second, one anyone else would have failed to notice.  i saw her physically push her thoughts into her stomach, and they rolled around her intestine for a while, slithering around.  i couldn't see it, i could hear it in the room...in the beeping machines and breathing of my father.  i could hear it in the interruptions and sleepless laughter from her thin lips.  anyone else would never have caught a thing--in fact, they didn't.  they sat in silence and observed the world's first invisible train wreck.

she'slookingatmelikei'mcrazy.
andmaybeiam.
iwanttobelieveher.
ican't.

There was this thing that brought us together.  Yes, it was inevitable and it was going to happen whether we began hating each other or not.  I knew this was going to happen, and I had so many dreams that were a painful smoke in my head.

One morning I woke up with you all over my thoughts, and the smoke of the dream was burning the inside of my skull.  It escaped as water through my eyes, clouded and distraught, and my ears even ached with your voice in my head.  I guess it was more than one time, more like countless times... it comes and goes and it's just something I live with, like tobacco would fill my lungs if I were an addictive person.

she looked to me for approval, guidance, and someone to gossip to.  i could see her age in the strings of her hair, try as she must to look amazing.  she still looks amazing, but only i could see this thing wearing on her.  it's something only i possess.  it's attacked her, and maybe she deserves it.

pleasedon'tthinkthisdodgeneonismine.
idriveanexpensivecarandleadasuccessfullife.
i'mhappy.
ican't.

Do you define yourself by the secret moments in your life?  I know so much about you--so much more than you know that I know.  I can predict all of your surface emotions and thoughts, and you're such a superficial person.  You're a shell of a person.  This is why I can only hope, as disturbing as the reality would prove to be to my own problems, that there's something deep within you governing your actions besides what I can see so clearly.  There's some mystery in you, like there is inside of me.

Tell me.

I sit and stare at you and you look just like I remember, only your skin is hanging a bit lower on your face.  It's strange how a few months can distort you, but at the same time you seem exactly the same...to my dismay.  I had hoped over and over for some change in you, to see something, anything, that would tell me what is next.  What will I dream about happening next if you continue to leave me in the dark?

Nothing.  Right?  You look at me and your eyes seem to hide nothing.  But that can't be true given what's happened.  Why would you call me that?

You disappear into your clothing and face paint.  You're just a deception... you're deceiving me and you, by ignoring this.  As always, all I can do is hope you feel regret.  you're just nothing to me.

you'rejustnothingtome.

I was with a group of friends tonight, and this topic came up; the masks must go. After a couple of other women sharing their masks, and my feverously nodding my head...I started to think of my masks. When I shared, I thought I would play it safe... but my heart had a whole other idea: I wear masks of competence, cockiness, fitting in, intelligence, dummying myself down, sarcasm as a communication tool to hurt, silence and isolation and most of all... I wear the mask of my weight.

Masks are mechanisms we put on, take off, put on again and again and again...sometimes we double or triple up on them... so not to show what we are hiding; Fear. Fear of inadequacy, intimacy, insecurity, incompetence, being unlovable, or being unworthy. Behind the masks we can pretend, we can write the story any way we want. We can be charming or intelligent. We can be witty and have all the right things to say. We can say, "I am beautiful just as I am". We can say anything we want... but we never believe it. We wear masks to feel safe, but we only feel safe when we have them on.

For me to heal, to really feel the power of my own safety... I need to throw away my masks. I need to learn to see myself in the mirror, to let myself make mistakes, to give myself permission to be myself. That will not be easy... I have come to depend on them. I covet them, and will fight anyone who threatens their inherent "safety". So what if the "person" I am fighting is the real me looking to break free? Will I recognize her? Will I like her? Will anyone else? Will I be ok if they don't?

All I know, is when I shared with my friends tonight... I wanted to know the freedom living through the fear. I guess when I go to put on one of my masks, I hope to tap into that longing. To see what I am hiding, and hope to let my masks go.

Wedding Preview, originally uploaded by AjDele Photography.

Nate and Jenn's wedding was my first. I am pleasantly surprised with the images that I have been through so far. I am rarely sure of what I have at the time and I rarely stop to review unless I'm trying to tweak the image. But I knew right away that this one was a winner. So far this is my favorite picture from the wedding. It was a beautiful day and we did portraits on the point, their idea. It turned out great.

Nate and Jenn were a lot of fun to work with which really surprised me. Not because they are not fun people but because in my experience people tend to go all Mr. Hyde when you point a lens at them. Maybe they wanted to freak out and hide under a couch (Terra) but had resigned themselves to being looked at all day. you have to expect that when its your wedding. In any event I had fun and hopefully it will come out in the pictures.

I am ready to take a break for a while though with photographing (break = week away from camera). Since the wedding it has been another week straight of full time taking pictures at camp. Also a lot of fun but I think my creative juices are at zero right now.

 You know, I used to be that way. I used to hide behind many masks. It all started when I was in grade nine. It was my first year out of the Catholic system and into "the real world". I didnt know about anything bad and I was sheltered. I guess you can say that I was acting my normal self before that, but when you are in grade eight, you really dont know who you are. Grade nine came along. I was skater girl. Grade ten, I was punk/emo. Grade 11, I was a punk/skater/emo. Grade twelve, second semester, I realized I had to become my self and actually grow up. I dressed the way I wanted to be. I showed people who i really was. Yeah, that meant that the wild me came out but what is the point on hiding the real you when you are meant to show who you really are. Before, when I was not really myself, I didnt really have many friends. But then, I entered a new world and met so many new great people as well and I felt better about myself and felt confident about being me. So, try sometime if you are hiding your true self, to get out there and experience the world with a whole new view. Being yourself

Can you relate?

I know that, at least in one case, it's a raging case of ego and paranoia.  The first writer (who shall remain nameless because she already knows who she is) blocks her blogs to keep two specific people from reading them.  She has a particularly hard spot in her heart for me - despite her "peace, love, and sexuality" message - and the fact that I put a sample of her writing on my blog to demonstrate common mistakes (bear in mind, I didn't give a name or anything that would identify the writer) - means that I'm obviously out to get her.  She's incredibly threatened by me.  She has to attack my degree, my writing, even me personally on occasion.  Now, she's so threatened, she even has to hide her blog from me so she can do all this behind my back.  Oh - and those letters after my name do mean something - they mean I know how NOT to shift verb tenses or points of view in the middle of a paragraph, and I understand Structuralist plotting based on Barth's Codes of Structure and Aristotle's Poetics.

Okie dokie artichokie.

So I thought this was an isolated case of idiocy, but I met another writer who said that if I wanted to read his blog, I'd have to sign up for it.  When I asked why, he said it was because he didn't want people he didn't know reading his work because they could steal it.  Say wha??? I can't speak for all the writers I know, but I will say that I've never personally plowed through someone else's blog in search of material.  Any good writer will tell you that he or she has enough ideas of their own, thank you very much.  I'm not entirely certain what this guy is really afraid of, but I think he and the first person share some common traits - a general mistrust of people being the first.

The thing is that if you want to keep your thoughts private, write in a journal that has a lock, or somewhere on your computer where you can block the file.  A blog is a very public thing, or at least it's original design was very public.  But the bigger question for me is, if you don't want people reading it, why are you writing it? I'm certain in the first case it's because she just doesn't want anyone making comments who isn't going to tell her how fabulous and wonderful and amazing and perfect she is.  God forbid someone might tell the truth - I suspect that gets you kicked off the "private" list and banned for life.  No great loss, I can guarantee you.

In the second case - oh come on!  Get over yourself.  If you were that good, everyone would know your name, you'd be making tons of money, and you would be invited to conferences and workshops as a presenter instead of as a participant. 

I can hear a particular voice saying to me, "Get over yourself," and on occasion I have to do exactly that. But I can say this - my blog is public.  My feelings, my thoughts, my ideas, my poetry, my struggles - all here.  I've never blocked a comment, and I don't intend to.  That's what this part of my writing is for.  I vent, I discuss, I ask questions, I provide information. I'm not here every day because I don't think I'm so important that I need to be here every day.  I write here when I feel I have something to share, and when I don't, I know enough to shut up.

Writing is a level of honesty that many people have a difficult time handling.  They are so busy creating the fiction of their lives that the reality of their writing suffers.  If you have to spend so much time, energy, and agony to hide your words, what is it you're really hiding?  Or more importantly, what are you hiding from?

Or maybe I've just had too much coffee and Avaunt Gard lecturing for one day -

I can ask because as of now, she has no idea I have this blog and I'd really like to keep it that way.  We don't have any of the same interests and she knows this.  She wants to always be running around and shopping or going somewhere and just like that, stopping at a bar for no reason and I just don't do things like this.  It's just not who I am.  I like being alone.  I spend hours a day feeding my birds and watering and taking care of my flowers.  I'm a putz and I don't care who knows it.  She thinks what I like to do is dumb and will then try and talk me into something that I've already told her I don't want to do.  The last time she pulled that bar/drinking thing on me I told her in no uncertain terms that IT'S NOT MY THING.  I could really care less what she does but why does she try and change my mind or act like I didn't tell her it's not something I care to do?  I'm 50 years old dammit and I know by now what I enjoy and what I don't.  I'm also getting sick of all this hiding out.  I really get afraid when the phone rings or my dogs bark because it might be her just stopping by which with any other person would be fine but she then tries to talk me into doing something I don't want to do.  I'm already doing what I want to do.

I have to now block her from my messengers completely because if she gets me on there, I can't get off.  One day I forgot to do it on one and she acted like  a jilted lover.  She wants me to go shopping, I hate shopping AND I've told her that.  She'll call and I'm not home and she'll keep calling over and over just minutes apart acting hysterical because I'm not answering the phone.  One day she came over AFTER I told her I was having company and really embarrassed me with this behavior that's NOT like any of my "friends" would behave.  She's crass, she uses bad language and she drinks to much.  For me anyway.  I could give a monkey's behind what she does but why does she think we are new best friends?  I was reading this on my blogroll the other morning and it struck me to ask you guys.

I don't want to hurt this person by any means.  There are times we are together and it's in a group and kind of okay but I have no time for this needy person who thinks we are friends.  I've tried "hiding" and I've tried not answering my phone but what I wonder is, should I need to do this??  I've told her what I like to do and what I don't like to do and in the next breath she'll ask me what I just told her NO to.

Can anyone please advise me what I can nicely tell her???  I am losing what little mind I have left.  Also, I do have my grandchildren here sometimes and there is no way I want her around them with her loose mouth and all the drinking, oh by the way, she hides that in some stupid kind of colored bottle.  Oh yes, dear people, she's a real doozie.  She sits and sips out of her bottle and gets drunk and thinks the sober people around her don't notice this difference!  But she thinks she's the pillar of the community.

Losing my mind!  HELP!!!

So I have set out on my journey to discover all the questions God asks.  I am just curious as to why He asks them.  I have a couple of thoughts, but we will see if it holds to be true.

To begin with, I think God asks questions to reveal something to us about Him.  If indeed God does know everything, there has to be something else.  He isn't like your kids in the back seat yelling "Are we there yet?" on your way to Disney.  He knows, so He has to be wanting to communicate something.  On the other hand, He could be asking questions to show us something about us.

In the first book of the Bible, God doesn't ask any questions for a while, but He does say a lot of stuff.  In chapter 3 after the infamous fruit shop lifting incident, He asks out loud "Where are you?".  I am of the opinion that God knows, so what is up with the question.  It reminds me of playing hide and seek with my parents as a kid.  Most of the time they knew where I was, but they would just let me stay there...seemingly not knowing.  They knew all along.  God had to know.

As I think about why He would ask this question a few thoughts come to mind:

1.  God wanted to know that He wasn't abandoning them but really wanted to be where they were.

God was pursuing them.  That is a challenging thought sometimes when we know all our stuff and to think that God pursues us and is wanting us to come freely out of the shadows.  He pursues and He knows. 

2.  God is the beginner of relationship.  Even when we hide, God initiates the search and rescue process.  I used to think that God is waiting passively for me to do something.  I don't think that is the case.  They hid and He asked the question.

Some of you would like for me to write a number 3, but I don't think there is one and I am not into alliterating or pastoral symatry.  

Sometimes I still hide like a little kid just hoping that He will keep walking by and not noticing where I am or what I am doing.  I know that isn't true, but I try to find comfort from the embarrassment of being caught or exposed naked (that is for the next post).

I guess I can come out from behind the couch now.

ALEXANDER ORLOV

F Bi's KGB General

by Edward Gazur

During 1938 at the height of the Spanish civil war , three star soviet general Orlov disappeared. He lived secretly for years in the US hiding from both the KGB and the FBI .In 1953 he came in from the cold and became and still is the highest ranking soviet intelligence officer ever to defect to the west. He brought with him the damning truth about Stalin's purges and the truth behind the communist regime. Who was this master spy? Was the man who revealed from released KGB files in the 1994 book titled,' deadly illusions' ? Gazur , veteran in east European counter espionage was assigned to Orlov in1971 and grew to know him and his wife maria well. He spent many hours talking to Orlov about his life and past encounters. He strongly believes Orlov had been unjustifiably maligned in the in the book on the basis of KGB disinformation. Gazur had kept silent after Orlov's death and now he felt that he had to put his side. This book is a narrative of his life based on the intimate conversations with Gazur.

This is an interview by Jeff Rense of Larry Sinclair, who is in hiding: Jeff Rense Special.

And here's Scott Simon of NPR commenting on Obama's newest play of the race card:

After seeing the atrocious shit that was the ABC show I Survived A Japanese Gameshow, in all its fake glory (the host is American and the show does not air in Japan), I figured it was time to remind people what real Japanese game shows are like. I have posted before about a personal favorite called Haneru no Tobira many times. But here is one that not many people know about called Million Kazoku.

The premise of the show is that they have famous people, singers and tv actors, come to your house and you have 30 minutes to hide in your house. If someone can stay hidden the full time, you win 1,000,000 Yen ($10,000 US roughly). The cool thing too is that the families are encouraged to cheat a bit. If you hit the jump, there is another episode where the family's daughter gets shoved somewhere pretty creative, and no it is not in someone's ass.

[dailymotion id=x39zti]

24 “Can anyone hide in secret places so that I cannot see him?" declares the LORD. "Do not I fill heaven and earth?" declares the LORD.”

How many times have I hidden in secret over the course of my life.  I can remember hiding as a child; hiding from being caught, hiding from punishment.  That habit is still present today.  I find myself wanting to hide, but the truth is, I am never really hiding.  God is there to see; He is there to see the mess, He is there to see the consequences, and He is there to see the outcome.

Wow, that is a very convicting thought, and I have touched on it before.  God is watching and there is no secret place where I can hide.  I basically cannot get away with anything.  No other person may know, but God does.

Hopefully this will be a time of building integrity; a time to look critically at my behaviors and actions from the past, and a chance to analyze my current decisions. It is not enough to merely appear honorable, I must actually be honorable.  I have to make tough decisions; decisions that might be painful and difficult, decisions that call upon integrity.  If I am not hiding then I am living in integrity.  Well, at least that is my perception at this point.

I have to be honest about my sin, and shortcomings.  I have to be truthful about struggles and thoughts.  I have to be open with my wife.  Integrity encompasses much more than not having secrets, but breaking the habit of hiding is a good step in the direction towards integrity.

There was a woman the other day, filled with passion for the life that has passed her by and that which remains, showing in the wide smile that stretched across her smooth skin as she stared at my face and touched my hair. She asked about my origin, the meaning of my name, my dreams. I felt connected to her somehow, she reminded me of someone I used to know a few years ago, and I allowed myself to open myself for a few short minutes before I was reminded rudely of my surroundings. There is something about falling asleep on a bus that relaxes me, something about a knock at the door that panics me, and I am having trouble remembering a time when either of those things didn't evoke the associated feelings. I remember the days that you'd knock on my door and offer me a smoke, offer me things that I knew I shouldn't take, go into the backyard and sit under the old tree, watch families hide their secrets so well as I attempted to hide hundreds with frantic exchanges of sarcastic banter and raw physicality. So much has changed since then, but everything feels the same at moments like this and I am often desperate to grab onto the sudden flashes and freeze them for as long as possible, to examine them closely and find things that I failed to notice before, so eager to make a new discovery in an ancient space.

I also went down to one of the fields and got a video and some photos of the horses that were grazing that day.

Enjoy!

[vodpod id=ExternalVideo.612446&w=425&h=350&fv=%26mediaId%3D985890%26affiliateId%3D8135%26skin%3Dcolor32.swf%26displayMenu%3Dfalse%26backColor%3D0x333333%26frontColor%3D0xffffff%26height%3D392.0%26width%3D480%26autoStart%3DFalse%26allowFullScreen%3Dtrue]

Partly Mangled "Arboretum Visitor Guide"
  

"Dolphin Fountain"

Mural on the Garden Shed

Massive Spider with Her Web

A friend "Pond Diving"

"Cheese"

"Misplaced Daffodil"

The bunny thought he was hiding, but he wasn't :)

"Blue Flower Shrub"

The Blue Flower Shrub was "Working on Blossoming" still

Two Grazing Horses

Beautiful Horse Sunset

There are situations in which the method's behaviour does not depend on the state of an object. So, there will be no use of having an object when the method itself will not be instance specific.

Let us consider another situation where in we want to keep a count of all the instances instantiated from a particular class. Suppose we declare an instance variable to do the job, it won't work. Its because the instance variables are initialised back to their default value each time a instance is created. So we need some varaible which will be independent of the instances created.

The answer to both the situations is to use the "static" modifiers, in other words static members.

What exactly are Static Variable and Methods?

Variables and methods marked static belong to the class rather than to any particular instance of the class. These can be used without having any instances of that class at all. Only the class is sufficient to invoke a static method or access a static variable. A static variable is shared by all the instances of that class i.e only one copy of the static variable is maintained.

class Animal
{

static int animalCount=0;
public Animal()
{

animalCount+=1;

}
public static void main(String[] args)
{

new Animal();
new Animal();
new Animal();
System.out.println("The Number of Animals is: "+ animalCount);

}

}

The output is - "The Number of Animals is 3".

A static method cannot access non-static/instance variables, because a static method is never associated with any instance. The same applies with the non-static methods as well, a static method can't directly invoke a non-static method. But static method can access non-static methods by means of declaring instances and using them.

Note: One of the mistakes most often made by new Java programmers is accessing instance variables from main() method.

How to go about Accessing them?

In case of instance methods and instance variables, instances of that class are used to access them.

<objectReference>.<instanceVariable>
<objectReference>.<instanceMethod>

But static members are not associated with any instances. So there is no point in using the object. So, the way static methods (or static variables) are accessed is by using the dot operator on the class name, as opposed to using it on a reference to an instance.

class Animal
{

static int animalCount=0;
public Animal()
{

animalCount+=1;

}
public static int getCount()
{

return animalCount;

}

}

class TestAnimal
{

public static void main(String[] args)
{

new Animal();
new Animal();
new Animal();
System.out.println("The Number of Animals is: "+ Animal.getAnimalCount());
/*
Notice the way in which the Static method is called using the class name followed by static method.
*/

}

}

Remember that static methods can't be overridden. They can be redefined in a subclass, but redifining and overriding aren't the same thing. Its called as Hiding. One can read the article on Overriding Vs Hiding here.

Times have been a-changing over at my favorite beauty webiste, including a new group of beauty reviewers.  Here is a great read for this week from Kate at Megsmakeup.com:

"July is always Skin Solutions month at Sephora.  It has really come to be one of my favorite animations over the years. Because as fun as makeup is - It’s important to take care of your canvas and there are some fabulous products that can make you look whiter, brighter, younger, more awake in just a couple steps –whether skincare or color or even fragrances! The mantra this month in our stores is “Truth or bare: Dare to bare your skin” and they’ve highlighted this little philosophy to go with it:

No more hiding your face behind oversized sunglasses or your legs in capri pants. We dare you to bare your skin (every last inch of it!) with solutions to your biggest bare-it-all beauty dilemmas–sun damage, short lashes, wrinkles, bikini lines, pale legs, no-makeup makeup; they’re all fair game here. So pick your beauty poison and peal off those layers to reveal skin that looks better in the buff. C’mon, we dare you.”

If you are looking for some new suggestions for some awesome skincare solutions take a walk on over to this post at Megs:   SKIN SECRETS! SATURDAYS AT SEPHORA! 

Two items that have caught my attention at Sephora are:

In Skincare, MD Skincare Skin Happens-Clear Up! Kit ($100 Value for $45)

Included are 15 applications of the Alpha Beta Daily Face Peel, a 1.7 oz Powerful Sun Protection SPF 30 Sunscreen Lotion, a 1.7 oz All-in-one Cleaning Form, a Tinted Moisturizer Sunscreen SPF 15 sample, a 0.17 oz Correct & Perfect Spot Treatment deluxe sample, and a 0.5 oz All-Over Blemish Solution deluxe sample.

(This kit comes in three combinations:  Clear Up!, Calm Down!, and Even Out!)

In Makeup, Korres Mediterranean Sun Color Collection Kit ($62 Value for $35)

The kit includes a Illuminating Bronzing Powder (0.39 oz), a Deep Colour Mascara in Black (0.30 oz), and a Cherry Full Colour Lip Gloss in Fuchsia (0.20 oz ), in a reusable makeup bag.