these days are my summer
i shall not want

i will lie down in green pastures
and dream as the clouds float by,
feeling the wind caress my skin

i will attend concerts and shows
and celebrate the wonder of gifted musicians

i will go barefoot as often as possible
and feel the earth embrace my skin

i will absorb the sunshine
and marvel in its healing rays

i will stay up late
and awaken at the last possible moment

i will go for long lazy stolls through wooded areas
and let my thoughts ebb and flow,
as easily as the oceantide

a single rose
reveals itself today
in the twilight

confused by this early
humid, heavy heat...
beautiful and fragrant,
perfect in its loneliness

not unlike the girl
tiny, wandering
in the vast bewilderness,
the ambiguous landscape
of an ill-defined union

a tear trickles slowly down
her cheek
and she turns her loving
grateful gaze upwards...

as the word
hope
forms in her heart.

Herself.

mother,

      during those early dearest days

            i did not dream that you had

                  a large life which included me,

                        for i had a life

                              which was only you.

~ maya angelou

The indefinite pronouns are myself, ourselves, yourself, yourselves, herself, himself, themselves, oneself, and itself.

Hisself, theirselves, theirself, ourself, and oneselves are not legitimate words; they are, rather, what you would call grammar errors. You can also call them substandard grammar. Actually, you can call them anything you want; just don’t use them in either speech or writing, casual or formal, with friends or at work, in your thesis or in your office memo, when you're at dinner or at the roller derby, at a hockey game or at the opera….

Sherry

sitting side by side on the picnic table, in the clearing near the parking area at the base of the mountain, they shared an organic brew that boasted one of his photographs. the landscape image that had been "flopped, cropped and photoshopped" dominated the label.

she was at once proud of him, and perhaps just a little jealous.

her attempt at under-apologizing was futile; she knew in her heart of hearts that this hike was more than just a little ambitious for her. her frequent stops to catch her breath and slow her heart thudding maddeningly in her chest didn't seem to bother him...he had even taken her pack from her partway up the mountain to make it easier for her.

as they sat together, recovering, in a companionable silence, he announced that he had planned on saving this particular bottle for a special occasion - and this was it.

she was at a loss for words.

abruptly, she confessed:
"i never intended to re-appear; my only intention was to disappear."
with that she excused herself and walked to the far side of the clearing, hearing him say,
"...and then she disappeared again..."

she chuckled inwardly. she adored his sense of humor, even though the subject matter wasn't at all funny. as if her words could even touch on an explanation of why she had been in absentia for six weeks.

what had caught her eye across the lawn was several piles of snow; such an odd sight on this unseasonably hot day! she reached the snow, and bending down, scooped up a handful, smiling as she shaped it into a snowball. it was the perfect consistency! she turned and walked back toward him, feeling the gritty ice already beginning to melt in her hands. when she reached him, her hands were icy cold and dripping; she tenderly touched his sunburned arms with her wet cold hands, loving the contrast of it...her cold hands on his hot skin...then she gently bathed his neck, his ears...

Authorities say none of the sickened neighbours in Konan, southern Japan, were severely ill, although about 10 were hospitalized.

The deadly hydrogen sulfide gas escaped from the girl's bathroom window and entered neighbouring apartments.

The girl's suicide Wednesday night was part of an expanding string of similar deaths that experts say have been encouraged by Internet suicide sites. (story)

Click to enlarge

 Actually my mum sent me a story about Goth-attacks... that is people with black hair and lipstick and pearcings getting beaten up for no good reason at all. Well, obviously thats not 'good', but it might make an interesting subject for a video.

 And the 'feminism' one is still in the pipeline... has been for months but it's such a good subject I don't want to spoil it with a half-baked video. Actually, if anyone has an opinion of the subject give me a buzz. I have half a mind to turn it into a collab.

 I haven't spell checked or edited this at all, incidently. I'm at work and dog tired and feeling a little guilty. Love you all and I promise to be a good girl again very soon...

I had a great trip. I think the best part was reconnecting with an old friend.

The bad...

Just being home again and being back to the daily grind of just getting through each day.

The ugly...

I found out my hallucinations are not a thing of the past. I would say I need my dose upped some but the prescription is $300 a month and I will have to pay that out of pocket for the next refill because we're into the bridge on our insurance. I guess I am looking at going back on the med roller coaster. Who knows? My appointment was yesterday but I missed it because we had to pick up the truck.

The even uglier...

My trip to the periodontist revealed that to get my teeth fixed will cost between $8,000 and $10,000. Mind you, that's money I don't have. Oh they have a nice payment plan but I am still trying to figure out how to get daddy's burial taken care of. So what does it mean for me? Eventually I will lose my teeth to gum disease because I simply cannot afford the treatment to get rid of it. As if I didn't just love myself enough already...

I swear, if my life gets any better I'll have to kill myself to live with it. Before you freak out, I'm not suicidal at this point. I have told my doctor about my hallucinations and I am seeking help...again. Yet again. It never ends.

Let me say at this point that Symbyax is great. I would probably do just fine with a dose increase. The only issue I have is my hallucinations have not gone away. Doc says it's a "psychotic episode" and it's pretty common when dealing with the amount of stress I have. The issue is that I don't just have bipolar disorder. I have bipolar 1 disorder with psychotic features. Psychotic features basically means I hallucinate and hear voices. My hallucinations vary from homicidal to suicidal and even occur when I feel I am having a good time. Maybe I am just crazy. I really don't know.

Then again, this year just keeps getting worse and worse. It just doesn't seem to let up. I keep hearing this stupid song in my head....."If we make it through December, everything's gonna be alright". Surely next year can't be any worse. I just don't see how it could...but then again.

As I sit typing this post, hubby calls to tell me my mom is having a stress test done right now and nobody went with her. If the kids hadn't been out of school I would have went. She's been up all night with no sleep and drove herself an hour away. Lovely. Just fucking lovely.

I got a nice book in the mail in memory of my dad today. Which reminds me that Governor Bredesen still has not answered my letter. I guess I need to resend it. What letter, you ask? My dad was originally charged with attempted murder but plead down to aggravated assault for trying to kill the man he caught molesting his granddaughter (my niece).(He hit the man in the back of the head with a coffee mug, leaving him in a coma for three days.) He died on probation for it. The man was caught molesting a three month old infant two years later and charges were later dropped because he had a heart attack. Whoopdeedoo. My dad was terminally ill and nearly died in jail before they would release him to house arrest. He was still on probation when he passed away. In light of the circumstances surrounding my dad's conviction, I am trying to get Governor Bredesen to pardon him so his name can be removed from the convicted felons list. He doesn't deserve to be there.

Darn it all. The email was on my old laptop. I'll have to email my sister and see if she still has a copy of it or else I will have to redraft it.

Her mindset governs the ringing of her phone. It starts with the presence or absence of an attitude of gratitude about herself and her potential value for a man.

If she’s ungrateful for herself and sees sex as her potential, she should expect no call. If she’s grateful for herself and sees denying sex as the tool for expanding her potential, she should expect a call.

Sex does not bond a man. It captures him for no more than conquest and maybe a few more times. So, even when he does call after hook up, she may be viewed as potential duty slut.

A woman holds a man by making him grateful for her in ways other than sex. This takes time and the delay of his conquest.

To men after conquest, sex just happens, their relationship just is, and taking her for granted comes easily. Those are natural conqueror’s rights initiated by her yielding. So, her strategy and tactics before hook up govern her life with each man.

She may not know how or want to use it, but she holds the dominant position with a man until she yields. Use it or lose it.

Denial expands her dominance. Yielding kills her dominance. If he’s hunk to her, she gets overly eager and contaminates his respect for her.

If she’s hunkette to him, he drives up his dedication to conquer; his eagerness rises. Her continued denial expands his eagerness. Eager men make phone calls.

So, her denial guarantees his call, if he’s truly interested in her. That’s how she knows his intentions. Her over-eagerness guarantees no call. Submitting leaves the call and the duty slut question up in the air.

The longer she delays their first time sex, the more she enhances herself as the relationship kingpin.

When she gives up her advantages by yielding, she forfeits the most dynamic period of gaining his respect for her. Respect won’t guarantee a call, but his earning it is essential if she expects that he will grow to love her.

After conquest he dominates, and the first conqueror’s right is to dominate their sexual agenda. That often means, move on to the next one. There’s no future with this one.

She looked good enough to chase last night, but afterward she ... well, you know.

[Posts 68 and 79 provide other possible reasons even though he said he would call.]

The daily routine (as it stands currently);

1. Wake up. This is currently quite a bloody process which involves streams of mind bullets as i fight the urge to remain asleep. Currently i aim to wake up at 07:20, to depart from under the covers by 07:30. Waking up includes a nice healthy dose of the Radio 4 's Today programme where i get a small fill of current events. Thankfully i have setup my central heating so this is not too difficult anymore.
2. Un-Dress/Pee/Dress. The battle against the pee urges sometimes wins and the undress/pee event order will occasionally be transposed. It is important to note that i do not dress into work clothes. Oh no, cycling clothes. So comfy tracksuit bottoms/shorts, t-shirt, socks and underpants.
3. Gather. I gather my work clothes.
4. Turn on the television - BBC1 Breakfast News. It is usually 08:00 by this time. I have inevitably taken much longer to do the above actions, and i am still feeling groggy.
5. Food. Generally one of four things. Porridge (with stewed fruit/honey), Cereal (Crunchy nut <3 ), Toast or yoghurt. Sometimes i even have juice.
6. More Food. I have to eat at lunch so preparation and packaging ensues.
7. Chill. After all that effort i chill while eating in front of the TV and/or the PC. I may even consider getting today's newest torrent releases.
8. Departure. Departure time for work varies between 08:00 (today) to 08:45 (if i am feeling tired). As my commute is only 15 mins including the messing about at both ends, i can be very flexible here.
9. Arrive at work and stop sweating. When i say 15 mins, its actually a 15 min cycle ride if i am taking it easy. I am to get everything done in 15 minutes so that i can exert myself. I got 28.9mph this morning on my hybrid cycle! Because of this exertion, i need some time to stop sweating, and i do this by checking e-mail, getting the days workload briefing, and chilling at work for about 15 - 25 minutes.
10. Dress. I now run into the disabled toilet, usually forgetting my door pass, and get into work clothes.
11. Work. It is at this point where i do some work. Surprisingly enough.
12. Lunch. I like to take my lunch between 12 and 12:30. I have my mid morning snack of fruit, but i am usually quite hungry by now. Sandwiches/Pot Noodle/Pasta ahoy!
13. Work. More entertainment in the form of work.
14. Hometime. Now, this is tricky. I work a 7.5 hour standard day with 1 hour allotment for lunch. Depending on work load, and at the moment it varies between going home at 16:30 and 18:30. A nice 7.5 to 9.0 hour work day.
15. Commute. Usually very simple. All i have to do is survive the Leeds City Centre Loop around the train station, and i am home free.
16. Chill/Shower. First thing i do when i get in is take 5 minutes to stop and think. I usually e-mail home a to-do list (if anything needs doing) and i quickly run through it. Most nights i usually forget something. Ie, weights. If the weather is crappy, or i am very very sweaty, i use the opportunity to shower.
17. Cook/Clean. Pretty self explanatory. I do this after i have had my 5 minutes. Rarely takes long. While i wait for stuff to cook i indulge in more TV/Computer.
18. Eat - usually in front of TV/Computer.
19. Enjoy. At the moment my main evening pastimes are EVE-Online (of which i have gotten back into it now my schedule is more predictable), TV, Reading (yes, i actually read!).
20. *Call herself. Read: (MSN/Email/Call) - This is starred as this is the part of my routine which varies. At the current time, this doesnt happen every night. But it will happen again soon. One part of my routine i do miss on a regular basis.
21. More Enjoy. See above.
22. Hand Shandy. Partially for medical purposes, partially to help me sleep after a long day/night. If you dont know what it is, enjoy www.urbandictionary.com.
23. Shower/Shit/Shave/Teeth.
24. Sleep! I normally aim for 23:15, but this varies between 22:30 and 00:30 at the moment.  

*Fingers crossed that the new telephone amplfier works, so we can speak more regularly. I do miss our regular  phone calls/settlers matches. The time away has been good though, having to think a lot more about what to say as i don't like to waste the precious time we have. Also makes me cherish the time we have on the phone a lot more, even if it is only a little bit each night. Unfortunately i STILL have yet to get over the uncomfortable feeling i get when i call her though, i am getting an understanding why. If i don't have much to say of importance, then perhaps its worth holding back so that it doesnt turn into a breathing contest? This is one to go on the "continued analysis" pile.  

To be honest, i am now entirely sure if i enjoy it. Its much more predictable than my old student routine, but.... i dunno. Keep wondering if this is all i'll do for the next 42 years.  I hope to include a nice bi-weekly cycle ride in here somewhere. 10 - 15 miles after work to help in keeping my fitness up, especially with time being precious at the weekend. We shall see though.

BTW, one last thing. If you have a lot of sites like this, seriously, try google reader. Its bloody excellent!

She has four options:

1.      She chooses by herself or at his urging and discloses everything candidly. Adolescent-minded women stupidly see this as her part of their bonding. Sex does not bond men and especially not sex other men have had. Adolescent-minded men see her as weak, and that weakens a man’s respect. Mature men see it the same way but tempered with a wee bit of understanding.

♀ Adolescent-minded women also lack many other skills for holding a man.

2.      She responds to his inquiries but discloses only what’s absolutely necessary, only what’s pulled out of her. She stresses honesty rather than candidness, truth rather than the whole truth. Apart from whatever harsh judgments he makes, this option invites questions to find out more and more.

♀ Partial-disclosure women invite men to seek the rest of the story.

3.      She refuses. She demands that he honor her desire to keep her past to herself. If she doesn’t spread moral virtue across the way she lives now, she comes across as phony when trying to keep her sexual past secret.

♀ Phony women have the worst of traits for marriage. They are not their natural selves before marriage, and they become another woman when their true self emerges after marriage. Men marry expecting her not to change, but she does, and he’s torpedoed for having married the wrong woman.

The male mind set comes in all shapes and sizes. But, like women, they have their own set of expectations. Unfortunately for women, masculine expectations lean toward conquest more than relationship stability. That's evident in the way men change after conquest of a woman.

If he won’t honor her values, standards, and expectations before conquest, he likely won’t afterward.

If he won’t make himself worthy of her before conquest, instead of her becoming worthy of him, he likely won’t afterward.

If he won’t romance her before they get into foreplay and intercourse, he likely won’t learn to do it for their future together. [See post #33, ‘Romance Gap’ is all about her.]

If he’s the buyer and she’s the seller before marriage, look out for the dump that’s likely coming.  

If she’s not the seller to his buyer role after marriage, she’s likely qualifying herself for abandonment.

If she expects his devotion, remember that it arises from what he does for her, not what she does for him.

If she yields to him, she should expect conqueror’s rights to kick in. First, he takes charge of their sexual agenda.

If she expects to be a big trophy for him: The harder to get, the bigger the trophy.

If she expects her feminist leanings, attitude, and political expectations  to override his natural masculine behaviors, her value to him will diminish over time.

If after they marry she waters down her help, support, gratitude, and encouragement for who and what he is, she may also want to research where the local exes recovery group is meeting. 

[More courtship success appears in the following posts. Enter the highlighted number in the Search box above.]   

Put the oven rack on the top or whatever will get you about 6" from the broiler. Yeah, I know we call them baked but it is really broiled. So, preheat the broiler while we get all this together.

Crack the 3 eggs each into separate dishes. You don't have time to futz around cracking eggs when you get going. Be careful not to break the yolks or get shell into the mix.

Mix up:

1 or 2 decent cloves of fresh minced garlic
¼ tsp fresh minced thyme. (Use a pinch of dried if you don't have fresh.)
¼ tsp fresh minced rosemary. (Use a pinch of dried if you don't have fresh.)
1 Tbs fresh minced parsley. (Use 2 tsp dried if you don't have fresh.)
1 Tbs grated parmigiano reggiano. (You can also use a Gruyere for a nice variety. Don't skimp on the quality of the cheese.)

Put ½ tablespoon of butter and a tablespoon of heavy cream in each dish and place them on a baking sheet under the broiler until it gets bubbly and hot - 3 or 4 minutes. Pour in the 3 eggs to each dish, salt and pepper to taste, and sprinkle on the herb-cheese mixture and get them back into the oven.

Broil for about 5 minutes or until the whites are just beginning to set. Take them out a bit before you think they are ready as they will continue to bake in the dish. Serve them up with the nice toast of your choice.<!--

You can vary this with any topping that you like - or nothing but salt and pepper. A good shredded ham goes well. Or crumbled bacon. Different cheeses vary it nicely.

Enjoy.

Herself Sez: As someone who prefers, nay REQUIRES, her eggs to have s*o*l*i*d whites, this was a big disappointment. As Himself Sed, our oven heats unevenly. His eggs were fine for him (somewhat loose). Mine turned out basically RAW!!! Yetch!! Likewise Retch!! In the future, mine will have to be left in an additional 10 minutes or so OR will have to be put in about 10 minutes before Himself's go in. I can deal with solid yolks. I can deal with solid whites. I cannot, by any stretch of the imagination, deal with raw (or even shakey) whites (except in egg nog, when they are well whipped, or in a milk nog - again well mixed in). This little experiment was a total failure for me - he'll have to try again. Luckily, however, his failures are very few and very far between! :-)

She elevates children to adult status, which demotes husband to subordinate status and moves him toward insignificance—his greatest fear.

She assertively rejects this advice gem of politics and negotiation: ‘Don’t complain, don’t explain’. Instead, she unloads with everything bothering her as it bothers her. Little discretion comes across as nagging.

She gives birth at all ages without father’s presence or commitment to help. She sacrifices her child’s father-balanced future on the altar of her female ego.

She tries to take more than she gives when negotiating some issue of greater importance to husband than to her. He may deserve such treatment, and she may win the battle. But their future together dims.

She makes maintaining her imperial nest more important than retaining her man.

She reverses this model and wonders why she loses: In dating and courtship women are buyers and men sellers. Men prove their worth in order to earn her. In marriage, women are sellers and men buyers. She proves her worth in order to keep him.

She admires celebrities or others more than her husband. Admittedly, for other reasons than how she judges him, but he still comes up short. It contaminates her wifely mind for permanency.

She vocalizes jealousy of her man’s job, hobby, or recreation. She thus primes his abandonment pump. He may be totally in the wrong. But her drumbeat hardens more than weakens his determination. As the relationship expert, she has other options, but her mushy thinking thwarts her.

She expects that he will respond to stimulants just as she does. For example, guilt motivates her to do something to relieve it. Men largely ignore guilt trips placed on them and easily handle guilt they lay on themselves.

She would rather be friends with her kids than essential to her man.

She favors her kids over his. If she can’t treat all kids alike, her blending of families will not be very successful. If she can’t trust her kids to the care and admonition of her husband, she married the wrong man.  

She is the expert on relationships and bonding. He is the expert on sex and escaping.

Starting at puberty, boys are turned off by female nagging—unless she’s a sex target as yet unconquered. It’s natural and for life.

Women make the institution of marriage of, by, and for women and children. Men can easily do without, as modern women find out.

The male nature promotes these concepts: might-makes-right, Rule of Man, and winning as the only thing. The female nature promotes right-makes-might, Rule of Law, and how one plays the game as more important than winning.

The masculine way is eat to enjoy life. The feminine way is eat to sustain life.

The sexual pleasures for a woman are far outweighed by the other things she needs for a happy life. Men for the most part let sex substitute for whatever else is missing.

Therapeutic recovery for a man lies within his work or doing something. A woman mostly relies on time for healing while unloading anguish to the sympathetic and empathetic ears of friends.

To a woman in her home, décor and fashion supersede functionality. For men, functionality should reign.

To men sex is an end. To women sex is a means.