No one is safe from those late night cravings, not even our most beloved celebrities.

Here are a few simple guidelines to late night nom nomz (in no particular order):

-Keep eyes closed until "food" is formed.

-Never smell what you're eating

-Never scrutinize the creatures assembling your meal

-Don't make conversation with the intoxicated individuals sitting next to you unless you want to get into a political debate about how long Laura Bush's taint hair is (13" uncurled).

-Choose a entree that is sure to give you diarrhea.

- Alex W & mHo

Baywatch - a brilliant and heart-warming story of Mitch Buchannan and his lifeguards has touched the hearts of people all around the world, with David Hasselhoff himself fetching a Guinness World Record for the most watched TV star. The iconic slow running adds a unique beauty to the show, symbolizing the importance of time in relation to saving someone's life.

It's a story about a group of lifeguards on a beach in Malibu saving people's lives and ensuring that the casualties are reassured, giving them hope, and ultimately, saving them.

David Hasselhoff himself doesn't act his role as the protagonist, but IS the role. Not only does he appear to endanger his own life for our pleasure, but also engages with the other actors to express emotion very effectively.

Most namely, the other actors on the show such as Carmen Electra and Pamela Anderson have highly notable moments in the show that enhances the entertainment and the morals behind the show.

Another big icon of the show is the visual red costumes (red shorts and red bikinis) that the characters wear to portray their lifeguard careers. These costumes appears to put across a strong idealistic set of male and female roles, but challenges the stereotypical view of men and women, by showing that although they appear different, can face up to the same challenges the world throws at them.

Baywatch - a story of hope and survival? Well... maybe a bit more than that. Well worth the view!

Huber was quoted by the BBC as saying:

"Obama didn't do anything for German unification," Mr Huber said.

"That's not a criticism, but as a result there is no reason to grant him such a privilege," he told the Welt am Sonntag newspaper.

So, I guess this proves once and for all that Obama isn't even anywhere near as cool as David Hasselhoff and that even the Germans see thru his "Unity" schtick.

Barack...  You Ain't No Hasselhoff!!!

And now for some Hoff greatness...  at the Brandenburg Gate no less...

This song was also co-written with Mick Paul. I finish off with details about what mick is up to now in his music career.
If you saw the video in my last post, you will no doubt have discovered that Mick played bass on a hit single for David Hasselhoff in the UK. There aren't many people who don't know who he is. After being in such shows as "Knight rider", "Baywatch" and "America's got talent".

Here is "Winner":

Winner - Jeff Edwards and Mick Paul

Mick is quite busy doing the touring thing at the moment, with an outfit named "The David Cross band". David Cross was once part of a band called "King Crimson". They were very well known. If you come from Italy, There's a good chance that you've heard of David Cross. He's pretty popular there, and it's one of the reasons why most of Mick's touring takes place in Italy.

Now here's the regular Youtube numbers update.

There's been a boost to my subscriber numbers over the last few days. Flying past the 700 mark to 717.
Channel viewings cruised to 16,017. That's the 16k barrier broken.
Finally the overall video views are still racing forward. They are now at 246,003. I was hoping that they might reach the quarter million by the 17th July. Which is the first year anniversary of my first video upload to Youtube. At this rate, it looks like it's going to get there on the 15th!!

I'm probably going to do a few coldplay covers in my next few videos, and I'll hopefully be bringing some more news on the progress of my upcoming album release.
I've set up a mailing list for first hand news about progress on the album. The email addresses will only be used for that purpose. It's so I can tell anyone interested about events regarding the album, before the information is made public.

If anyone wants to to join it, they can go to the homepage on my website and register. Here's the address:

Jeffs music

Bye for now :)

The song is about a contreversial subject, though I'm not going let you know what it means here. You'll have to watch the video to discover it. I reveal the meaning at the end. It puts a whole new angle on the lyrics.

Getting back to Mick. Here's some information on this very talented guy:

Played on 2 singles in 1970.
Joined "The Hotshots" in 1973. They had a number 4 hit.
Joined "Union express" in 1974 and toured Europe for 2 years.
From 1978, did session work for the BBC and various publishers.
Did a stint as an in-house bass player at Abbeydale studios in West London.
Co-wrote the Labour Party campaign song in 1987.
Joined "More tea vicar in 1990.
Wrote and played on a single called "Aquarius" for Yello records, which was produced by Tyrrell.
Played on the "David Hasselhoff" single "If we could only say goodbye" (Yes. The Hoff).

and more..

I'll give a web link to his recording studio in West Worthing, southern England:

Froosound Recording Studio

This is the guy doing all the music in this song. The previous song, and the next song.

Anyway. This one is called "Losing my mind". I hope you enjoy it, and the Bass :)

Losing my mind - Jeff Edwards and Mick Paul

Now here is the latest youtube account stats.
A rise in my subs to 692.
Channel views are now at 15,540.
The overall vid views are 237,970. Still on target to hit a quarter of a million by the 17th of July. climbing at about a thousand views a day.

Coming next is the third of the old original songs, featuring Mick Paul.
I'm still working hard on the album. Yesterday I woke up singing a song. Weird I know, but it was pretty good. I'm going to put the track together to see what it sounds like in real life, and if it makes the grade, then I'll consider putting it on my album.

Probabil stiti clipul. Gemenele Indiggo, care au dus mare lipsa de succes in Romania, s-au dus sa isi incerce norocul in "Tara tuturor posibilitatilor", mai precis la concursul "America's Got Talent". Nu au cantat bine, si nici nu si-au ales o melodie potrivita.

Dar mai penibila decat prestatia gemenelor mi s-a parut reactia publicului, si mai ales reactia primului mebru din juriu (David Hasselhoff?). Am lucrat cu americanii, si stiam ca nu au pic de tact. Dar chiar in halul asta? Nu zic ca fetele nu s-au dat si ele in stamba...Dar nah..wannabe superstars are gonna be wannabe superstars. In schimb, domnu' Hasselhoff..."Go back to Bucharest, vampires!" ????? CE?! Replica asta m-a facut sa uit de cat de prost au cantat gemenele. Ignoranta e un lucru, idiotenia e altceva. Chiar imi pare rau pentru fete. Au vrut o bucata din "the American dream". Si au primit una din cele mai idioate replici. Fuck you, Hasselhoff!

(click to enlarge)

Evidently from a Communist Romanian IT worker (at Sogotech) who's trying to quit smoking and doesn't care for pizza, but loves to turn a trick. And maybe really enjoys potatoes. Who would have thought? I've crossed the globe here people. First, 100 views in a day, now I'm blowing up in Romanian blog circles. I'm gonna be famous bitches.

The only thing that I think could have been misconstrued from my writing was the "200 year" reference being close to the word Communism. Romania was under Communist rule from 1917 until 1989 when my buddy Hasselhoff sang his hit song "Looking for Freedom" atop the Berlin wall wearing his pulsing LED pleather jacket. That's only 42 years of potatoes. Not 200. Sorry.

But since that post generated a comment, I'm going to stick with Laura's advice and continue with my usual gay shit. Seems to work for her.

There's a lot of debate going around as to which model is the perfect candidate for the role of KITT, I even seen somewhere the Mercedes McLaren SLR being proposed, but I reckon that choosing the 'stang, was a good choice. First of all the car should be an American icon, as the first KITT was. But TransAm is not in production anymore, the new Dodge Challenger is not yet in the streets, the new Camaro won't see production until 2009, so that leaves us the Mustang and the Corvette and maybe the Ford GT, the latter falling in another category really. Now, the Vette wouldn't be a bad choice either, as it has a closer look to the old TransAm and possesses the necessary "oomf" to deliver the goods :)

Still, the beefed up Mustang ticks all my boxes, so no complaints there!

Styling wise, the GT500 KR KITT model will come in two flavours: the Hero model and the Attack model, the latter following the NFS (Need for Speed) trends and style having the cheesy extra bodymods and ridiculous spoilers and wings (thank god, no awful part manufacturer vinyls this time!!!), while the Hero model is a stock Shelby GT500KR with automatic transmission. Both appear in glossy black (of course) with twin grey stripes running from the hood to the back and both will include KITTS trademark: the red scanner light in front, which is located "naturally" on Shelby's twin air vents in the front of the hood.

A pilot movie has been released by NBC I think, unfortunately I haven't seen that. Judging from the modern American TV junk, I'm afraid that the series won't hit my interest spot, but it will be nice to see a few burnouts and drifts of the new Mustang, a few drools, a few jawdrops and a few more curses to the Greek taxation system and governments for having us driving around in Korean junk. To own a Mustang in Greece is a lifetime dream for the very few of us that know and care about real cars :( For starters, the Mustang doesn't get imported by the local Ford dealers, only as special order, and when you get to buy it, you pay three times the amount you would in the States!!!

So excuse me while I grouch and go and see some pics of the new KITT below.

Oh one last thing before I close this one: David Hasselhoff will make a cameo appearance in the series (oh no!!! they couldn't avoid that, could they?) and also the original TransAm will appear. There are also rumors about a new KARR model, but that is not certain.

And perhaps, we can (or you American people) can expect Ford to follow the Bullitt example and produce a special series of a Knight Rider themed Mustang? ;)

Related info sites:

• NBC - Knight Rider
• KnightRiderOnline
• Knight Rider TV movie on IMDB

So today was Corley's last day (our intern). We sent her off in style with a little gift from "The Hoff" (he and Corley have a history). Since Corley is moving to Dallas we decided to give her a box full of $1 bills - fitting since ThinkCash is the leader in emergency cash. Hopefully she will use the money wisely - buying new furniture for her apartment or business books to further her professional education - not spending it on men with lots of chest hair and a perm.

God scribbled out my life on a napkin one night while drunk in a roadside diner.   “Ha ha ha,” he snickered, the scent of stripper fresh in his breath, “this one is going to be funny.”  He then blew his nose on my existence and proceeded to devour his cheeseburger like David Hasselhoff on a relapse.

(A masculine representation of our omnipresent originator has been designated on the grounds that I refuse to imagine a womanly figure so asinine as to concoct a shenanigan involving the excruciating mistaking of a hemorrhoid for a pimple.)

I hope he's finding it hilarious, my life, because I'm not quite getting it.  I just don't see the humor in having me, in a rush, forget to shave that little bit of hair beneath the bottom lip, leaving me to unknowingly walk around for an entire day with a scraggly, pre-pubescent soul patch.  I’m sorry; I just don’t get it.  I just don’t find it funny that that Chinese waiter’s dandruff would sprinkle into my Kung Pao Chicken.  And I just can’t seem to bring myself to laughter later learning that Kung Pao Chicken is by no means customarily topped with mayonnaise.  God is a comedian?  It’s been nearly six months since I’ve been laid.  This is not a funny joke.  There should be a line here.

But it seems, however, that there is not.  God is a comedian, and the joke is on me.  I am a marionette forever picking my nose in public. 

Perhaps one of God’s favorite acts of roguery is his infamous tinkle trick.  It’s a simple trick, really, when measured against the breadth of his infinity; yet, he loves it nonetheless.  As it is:

I take a piss.  Urine is emancipated.  My knob is shaken.  And shaken.  And shaken.  And shaken.  And no matter how many shakes more, when I put my peter back in my pants …drip, drip.  There is a tinkle. 

Good one, God. 

And you’d think that after decades of such harassment, perhaps I would learn better.  I could wear a penis yarmulke, or a full blown adult diaper.  I could restrict myself to a completely solid diet, or install a catheter.  There are ways around this, one might suggest.  I don’t have to pee …into my pants.

But no, I’m not the type to run from my destiny.  If it’s God’s will that I spend eternity tinkling in my trousers, then so be it.  I’m quick on my feet; when the time comes, I’ll always think of something.

Such was the case today. 

I had five minutes before my fourth period class, and my bladder was bursting.  Sallying to the john, I swung open the door, and WHOOOSHHH! 

A waff of mud poodle melted my face off. 

Another one of God’s booby traps.  If I had a dollar for every time he’s tried to sabotage me with an already reeking bathroom, I’d be a thousandaire.  It’s no sweat, though, like I said, I’m quick on my feet.  God doesn’t always get the best of me.

“Auughhh, gross!” I announce.  “This bathroom STINKS!!” I inform potential skeptics. 

And then I proceeded to enter, applauding my genius skills of reversal, chuckling, and calling God a schmuck. 

But I spoke too soon. 

That schmuck, he got me.  He got me good.

It was my pants’ 2,000^th birthday (pants years), and in celebration of their good fortune, I decided to get a babysitter and leave my underwear at home.  …Ok, you got me.  Really, my underwear was just dirty, and I didn’t yet have the chance to wash them.  …Ok, you got me again.  Really, I just don’t wear underwear.  Regardless, I pulled up to the urinal and began to urinate.  Upon completion of the process, I took a hold of my penis and shook.  And shook.  And shook.  And shook.  And then I put my penis back in my pants.  And with no underwear on, I tinkled in my khakis.      

Fuck. 

As has become the process, I collected a few sheets of paper towel, wet them, and began to dab at my pee stain.  Then I walked over to the blow dryer and …FUCK! 

The stupid thing was busted.  Fucking punk ass kids. 

Shit.  Fuck.  I began to panic. One minute left.  Frantically, I looked around for a plan.

And then I realized: hey, you’re the teacher here.  These kids look up to you.  You’re like their hero.  What are you so worried about? 

And with newfound confidence, I returned to my classroom.

Where Vincent had a question.  “What you pee your pants, Mr. Kimble?”

And in my best Sandler, I replied, “Of course I peed my pants.  Peeing your pants is the coolest!”

Crickets. 

1. I ran this short through a computer program that’s supposed to be able to tell at what level it's written at. The result: 5th grade. Now I’m not sure whether that means the story can be comprehended by a fifth grader, or if it seems to be written by one. Either way, I remember fifth grade kicking ass, so I'm fine with it.

2. This is a work of Non Fiction.

hasselhoff

Oprah and I have long played the Best Game Ever: 'Would You Be My Friend IF?'

For example:

• Would you be my friend if I had one reaaaaaalllly long arm, and one really short one?
• Would you be my friend if I, on occasion (but by no foreseeable pattern or frequency), started to scream slurs in public, then apologize profusely, and genuinely, to all witnesses?
• Would you be my friend if my living room were a full-blown Hasselhoff shrine?
• Would you be my friend if I ate a dirty Skittle off of a bowling alley floor?
• Would you be my friend if I ripped your glasses off of your face (while you were in an awkward middle school phase, no less), thus damaging the frames and injuring your eyesight and your eyebrow-heavy appearance even further, in immeasurable ways?

Note the 1st: Oprah's answer is usually 'No,' and yet I still love her. Who's whose bitch?

Note the 2nd: I taught this game to one of my nephews, Little Giraffe (11), and he's reported that he's passed it on to some of his friends. Success.

Pitch one at me!

Court documents released Thursday show the former "Baywatch" star's divorce settlement calls for him to pay $21,000 a month to ex-wife Pamela Bach and another $4,000 to support their daughters, 17-year-old Taylor and 15-year-old Hayley.

Hasselhoff and Bach have joint custody of the children. (news)

If there's one thing this country can do right, it's fire. They're still messing up on making the Mai Tais just the way I like, and their way of speaking Mexican ain't nothing like that J-Lo album. (And if anyone would know how to speak Mexican, it would be her!!!) So there's obviously some sort of illiteracy epidemic going around. Also: poverty.

Personally, I don't know about you, but when I'm in a place for an extended period of time and on "vacation," I don't want to think twice about the "realities" of the "world." I just want to eat Cheetos and get my nails done. Luckily for the country, the dollar still buys you a thing or two here... if not, with all of these poor people yapping about inflation, I'd just have to leave! I mean, tourists are like gods: they descend upon countries, sprinkling money like confetti. They're not taking up lots of jobs. And if you'll just look at how many people were gainfully employed during the Olympic torch relay, when it did what the kids call "hitting the streets," you'll see that there are plenty of jobs to go around here.

Photo credit: dude with a camera.

And then later, when I went home, I found a nice, juicy Latin man in my bathroom!!!!! And they say people who do good to the world are the only ones who get good shit outta life? Ha!

Do I seriously need to tell you yet again that life is good? If you don't believe me, just check in your bathroom. If it's anything like mine, there'll be a Latin man inside--and the "Olympic torch" will find time to "make a delivery" to your "neck of the woods." Afterwards, you will both "have flan" and possibly "empanadas" and find time to listen to music. And life will rock on.

Photo credit: someone at Iguazú Falls.

You see, Gladys, there are two kinds of people. People who get divorced and move to Buenos Aires on a lark because that's where your divorce settlement goes further and those who don't grab life by the pelotas. I, for one, am firmly in that second category.

I'm also in the category of people currently being hunted by the New Jersey Department of Child Welfare, but that's neither here nor there. At least I have good company amongst my mug shot peers.

Photo credit: someone with a Kafka-esque sense of humor.

Anyway, Gladys, I'm sorry for not getting in touch with you sooner about all of this mess. Breakups, even when they come in the middle of a relationship as a "break" or "rest," ain't fun. Yesterday's legitimately happy Happy Hour become today's 'How the Hell Did I Get $450 worth of Mai-Tais charged to my room service bill and who are these Australian midgets and why is all of this on YouTube?' incident.

It's like saying that you're tired of going across the Atlantic, midway, and even if someone decides to change course in the middle, the whole thing threatens to distract you from the mind-blowing fact that you are going to Europe, in a plane, on vacation, or just alive to see it all.