April 14: Oakland 2, White Sox 1

The Good: Well, Buehrle pitched a pretty good game. He definitely battled despite not having his best stuff. Swisher got on base 4 times and scored the only Sox run as a result of great baserunning. Boone Logan continues to pitch great out of the pen, getting out of a jam in the 9th to keep the game close.

The Bad: Well, I could complain about the hitting, but the fact is that A's rookie Greg Smith pitched a hell of a game. The Sox had no answer for his changeup, and Smith mixed his fastball in beautifully. The Sox were off-balance all night. When Smith left after 7, I hoped that the Sox would be able to get to the Oakland pen. But despite a long flyout by Swisher in the 8th and 2 runners getting stranded in the 9th, no runs crossed the plate.

Final thought: Well, the trend continues with Sox hitters not doing well against guys they haven't seen. But it may not be the Sox this time; this Smith kid was really impressive. He also pitched well in his first start of the year, getting a no-decision despite allowing just 5 hits. Hopefully, the Sox can get a split of the two-game set tonight.

April 13: White Sox 11, Detroit 0

The Good: Just about everything. Vazquez went 7 innings and didn't allow a run. Paul Konerko and Joe Crede hit grand slams; Crede's was his second of the week. The Sox move to 8-4, including 5-1 against the Tigers, who just look fucking horrible right now. I'm not ready to write them off like most of the media, but good lord.....they remind me a lot of last year's Sox team. A really good lineup on paper that just isn't hitting and a pitching staff with one or two starters and a horrible pen.

The Bad: It was cold outside. Thats about it.

Final thought: Fantastic weekend after a tough loss on Friday. I don't know if the White Sox are good or if the Tigers are this bad right now; the Sox are 3-3 against the teams not named the Detroit Tigers. But this week brings Baltimore, Oakland, and Tampa Bay, three teams off to similarly solid starts, so we should start to see the truly improved teams seperate themselves from the pack of those teams that are simply off to good starts.

April 12: White Sox 7, Detroit 0

The Good: All-around, this might have been the best game of the year to this point. Gavin Floyd tossed 7 and a third innings of no-hit ball, and the White Sox broke open a 1-0 game in the 8th with 6 runs. Orlando Cabrera hit his first home run of the season, and Linebrink and Jenks combined for just under two innings of perfect relief. To this point, both have been awesome out of the pen.

The Bad: The weather was bad. And the offense didn't get to Verlander until the 8th when he had been exceeded 100 pitches. If the Tiger bullpen hadn't been stretched out the night before, the Tigers might get out of the 8th without much damage. But Leyland had to stick with Verlander, and he ran out of gas.

Final thought: Obviously, the best part of this game was the performance of Gavin Floyd. I'm not sure if he just has Detroit's number or if he is actually making a move this year, but to this point, he's been the best starting pitcher on the staff. If he can continue to be solid and either Contreras or Danks can be just decent, the Sox will be in good shape.

April 11: Detroit 5, White Sox 2

The Good: Not a whole lot. Contreras pitched a pretty good game. I'll take 6 and two-thirds and 4 earned runs most nights. Carlos Quentin continues to hit well, getting on base three times. Brian Anderson made his first start of the season and looked good both at the plate and in the field. Jerry Owens better get back soon because I really don't see a spot for him on this team if the play of Quentin and Anderson continues.

The Bad: Well, the offense got a total of 3 hits, so thats not good. The worst thing that happened to the Sox last night was the injury to Dontrelle Willis; I would rather of seen him in there for another 5 or 6 innings rather than the guys they brought in from the bullpen. The home plate umpiring was horrible last night, as both teams consistently had problems with the strike zone. And once again, Thome continues to look really bad. I don't know if he needs a night off or what.

Final thought: Well, the Tigers played a great game all around last night. They came up with two-out runs, hit in situations, and pitched fantastically. It was easily their best played game of the year. They're a talented team and thats going to happen.

I'm gonna walk you folks through a 30-minute portion of my day today. As I left the office for lunch, I turned on the radio. Not having satellite radio, and not wanting to listen to the crap on 99 percent of the FM stations these days, I turned on the AM frequency and decided to listen to some sports talk. You may be saying to yourself, 'You idiot. Why would you do such a thing? I have no sympathy for you.' I understand. But please stay with this post anyway.

Around noon here in Chicago, you have two options for lunchtime sports talk. The first is Mike Murphy on The Score. Listening to Murphy is like being transported in a time machine: his show is full of what other hosts on the station mockingly call 'old radio bits'; he uses strange, old-timey sound effects and drops; and to top it all off, he's as annoying as he is stupid. His co-workers openly dislike him. The only thing he is interested in is Cubs baseball, he talks about it approximately 90 percent of the time, and he consistently proves that he is clueless about everything else in the world of sports (i.e., a few years ago he famously claimed that the Bulls shouldn't re-acquire Ron Artest because he 'wasn't a good defensive player'). Also, being a White Sox fan, I like to go without hearing about Ryan Theriot's VORP or Jim Hendry's decision to call up Johnny Whogivesashit instead of Ricky Suckmynuts when I'm trying to find a place to eat lunch. "Murph" is the kind of guy who would do two hours of Cubs talk the day before the Bears played in the Super Bowl.

So that leaves me with ESPN Radio. Usually during this time, Mike Tirico--who I enjoy for the most part--is on. But I forgot that this is Masters week, and Tirico is at Augusta National covering the first major of the year. So standing in for Tirico are Michelle Tafoya and Erik Kuselias. The duo's first topic while I was listening was about the dreaded 'east coast bias' (ECB). While Tafoya tried valiently to speak to Kuselias as if he had a human, working brain, Erik wouldn't have it.

Not only would he not admit that there was even such a thing as ECB, but he even asked for proof of such a thing. When told that only five--FIVE--of ESPN's nationally televised baseball games this season did not involve an East Coast team, he said that was because those teams were the 'most interesting'. Tafoya countered by bringing up the Dodgers and their new manager Joe Torre and the Angels and their new and improved ballclub. Kuselias wouldn't have it, instead continuing to insist that the Yankees and Red Sox were just the 'best and most interesting' teams.

Talk then turned to the NBA MVP race. While discussing tonight's New Orleans-LA Lakers game and its effect on both the MVP race and the playoff push, Kuselias said that the player who played better tonight--Kobe Bryant or Chris Paul--would have to be the frontrunner for the award. When Michelle played devil's advocate and brought up Kevin Garnett, Kuselias said that was a good point, and that Bryant or Paul should be the West Conference MVP and Garnett should be the East Conference MVP, and then the voters should decide from there.

Let me first go back and tackle the ECB issue. The fact that Kuselias continually said that the Yankees and the Red Sox are the 'best and most interesting' teams goes a long way towards proving the existence of an ECB. Some may say he was just saying those things to get a rise out of his audience, something a lot of sports talk radio hosts do all the time. But not me. I truly think he believes that everyone thinks like him, that the Red Sox and Yankees are the most interesting teams in the sport. Also, this view is representative of everyone at ESPN as well as many of the douchebag Red Sox and Yankee fans that get torched in the interwebs on a daily basis. They really don't understand that we (speaking for all non-Boston and New York fans) are sick and tired of the whole Red Sox-Yankees thing and have been for a minimum of four years, and that every time those teams start off SportsCenter or Baseball Tonight and 10 minutes of each of those shows' telecasts features in-depth analysis of those two teams (not to mention the national telecasts of about 50 percent of the two teams' games), the rest of us get more and more turned off. In turn, we get less interested in the whole thing. Not only are those two teams not the most interesting teams in baseball, the oversaturation of the coverage of the teams has made the rest of us immune to the rivalry. I am not the least bit interested in Boston-New York anymore. I'd much rather hear some analysis about how the Diamondbacks are doing or if Erik Bedard is going to push the Mariners to the top of the AL West.  

The other thing about the ECB argument that caught my attention is that he kept referring to the Yankees and the Red Sox as 'the best' teams. I will grant him the Red Sox; they are the most successful franchise of the past five years. But the Yankees haven't won a title since 2000. Sure, they are consistently in the playoffs and more often than not win their division. But here are the list of teams that have won the title since the Yankees (besides previously mentioned Boston): Arizona, Anaheim, Florida, Chicago White Sox, and St. Louis. The D-Backs have been consistently competitive since their title in 2001. The Angels, like I wrote earlier, are one of the most compelling stories in baseball this year and have been a contender since their title. The White Sox have had one sub-.500 season since the late 90s. And St. Louis boasts one of the most rabid fan bases in sports to go along with an always competitive club. So why don't those teams get as much coverage as the Red Sox and Yankees? Why does Kuselias consider his teams to be the 'best and most interesting'? Its ridiculously east coast-centric.

Now, as for the NBA MVP race, let me say one thing: if anyone reading this post doesn't think that Chris Paul, LeBron James, or Kobe Bryant should win the award, I want you to turn off your computer and watch some NBA basketball before talking about the sport. Anyone who has paid ANY amount of attention to the league this year knows that CP3 is the best choice, followed closely by either King James or Kobe (I think Kobe is getting a lot of lifetime achievement votes, and he's my third choice). But here was Kuselias today, claiming that (Boston player, mind you) Garnett is one of the top two choices for the award. I'm not going to argue that Garnett hasn't been the most important part of the biggest turnaround in NBA history; but he missed 10 games. How can the league MVP miss an eighth of the season? Especially when you have guys like Paul up for the award, a guy who has almost single-handedly transformed the Hornets from a sub-.500 lottery team to the best team in the most competitive conference in NBA history? Or how about the suddenly easy-to-deny LeBron, who is playing with NO HELP and one of the worst coaches in the league, and still putting up 30-8-7-2 on average?

Seriously. Erik Kuselias needs to stop it. Just go away. Maybe its my fault for even listening.

Here's this week's FHC: Josie Maran.

--No words needed.
--She dated David Blaine.
--You might want to get a new bra. I can see right through this one.
--I like it when they are kind of pushed together.
--I want to put vodka in that. (Her cleavage, not the drink)
--I think this is a real nude; if its fake, its well done. (NSFW)

April 9: Minnesota 12, White Sox 5

The Good: Swisher, Konerko, and Crede hit homeruns after the Sox fell behind 7-0 in the 2nd inning, at least making it relatively close at one point. Massett threw a couple of solid inning in relief before falling apart. Other than that, the only good thing was me finding a shitload of hot pictures of Kate from 'Lost' on the interwebs.

The Bad: John Danks had horrible control and got shelled. Massett's troubles began in his fourth inning of work, and he was eventually charged with allowing 5 runs. Jim Thome's cold streak continued after an 0-for-4 with 2 strikeouts performance. He is now hitting .156 on the season and doesn't have an RBI since opening day.

Final thought: Games like this are going to happen, and when they happen after a 5-game winning streak, they are pretty easy to take. But Thome's struggles concern me. I try not to get too high or too low on the team this early in the season; but a #3 hitter with an average hovering around .100 with 0 home runs and 0 RBI since his third at-bat of the season scares me. I hope this is just a slump and not a more permanent trend.

Dear Chicago Bulls,

Wow. Quite a game last night. Playing against an abortion of a shitfest of an abonination--a team with a starting five of Chris Quinn, Daequan Cook, Mark Blount, Ricky Davis, and Earl Barron--you lost by 7. Seriously.....you just lost to a team that boasted Kasib Powell as its leading scorer. A Kasib Powell that was named the Developmental League's MVP a few weeks ago. A fucking D-League player dropped 20 on you. I mean, the Heat were losers of 7 in a row and 10 of 11, and hadn't beaten a team other than Milwaukee since February. And you asswipes lost to them?

Kirk Hinrich, you just signed a multi-year deal in the offseason worth upwards of $11 million - $12 million per. You were a lottery pick. Matched up with Quinn, you went 2-for-5 from the field in 30 minutes of play, scoring 5 points and tossing 4 assists. Quinn slightly outplayed you to the tune of 16 points, 6 assists, and 2 steals in 30 minutes. By the way, Chris Quinn was an undrafted free agent from Notre Dame who averaged about 8 minutes per game--career--until the Heat gave up on the season a few months back.

Hey Ben Gordon: great effort. “They wanted it more and played a lot harder as a team,” Gordon said. “A lot of their guys are playing just to stay in the NBA, so they definitely had a higher level of intensity than we showed.” Read that quote. Its coming from a guy who is in a contract year, by the way. Oh, and his team needed this win to stay alive for the postseason.

As a team, you allow the Heat to shoot 48 percent from the field. You blew an 11-point lead late in the third quarter to a team that hasn't come back from that large of a deficit all season. To be fair, Tyrus Thomas did outscore Dwyane Wade and Udonis Haslem combined. By four. But Thomas played 30 minutes, and I don't think D-Wade and U-Has (?) were even in the building last night. So thats not as good as I originally thought.

John Paxson, I bought season tickets for this year's team for two reasons--One, I believed that this team was ready to take that step to become one of the Eastern Conference's elite. Two, I thought that there might be a chance you would acquire Kobe Bryant and give this team the edge it needed to compete with the league's best. Neither happened, obviously. And I blame you. Your insistance that this core group of players--Hinrich, Thomas, Gordon, Luol Deng--was good enough to win a title has cost Bulls fans a chance to see something special. You could of traded any of these guys in a package for Kevin Garnett. Or Pau Gasol. Or Bryant. Instead, you stood pat, made a horrible Ben Wallace signing and draft blunders like Thomas over LaMarcus Aldridge. You got almost nothing for Tyson Chandler, who is thriving in New Orleans (albeit with the best point guard in the league, something he could have used in Chicago). You signed Captain Kirk to the aforementioned huge deal. To wrap it all up, you fired a good NBA coach--Scott Skiles--because a bunch of players didn't like him. And you replaced him with an ineffective, powerless, borderline assistant, effectively throwing away the season.

I grew up in the 80s and followed the maturation of Michael Jordan and one of the greatest teams in NBA history. I saw my favorite team win 6 NBA titles. So maybe I was spoiled by that. But living through the 1998-99 through 2002-2003 seasons means I have a right to expect more. Watching this team lose to the Minnesota Timberwolves was bad enough; watching them get eliminated from playoff contention by a fucking D-League roster is an embarassment. Mr. Reinsdorf, make firing Paxson your first order of business. Send Jim Boylan with him, along with Gordon, Deng, and Chris Duhon. See if you can get anything for the others. Start over. I'd rather go through another 4 years of crap than watch a talented team not care for another season.

--Well, count me among the few who thought that Final Four sucked ass. 'Hey, we've got all four number one seeds. We're sure to get three great games on Final Four weekend for once!' Yeah, how'd that work out for you? Saturday night's matchups featured a Memphis team totally outplaying UCLA and Kansas unexpectedly raping North Carolina. Sure, the Heels made a run in the late first half and early second half and should be commended for cutting a 40-12 deficit to 4 points, but it seemed that run was just as much of a condemnation of Kansas' focus as it was the Tar Heels' drive to make a run.

--Also, once and for all: Tyler Hansbrough is not the best player in the country. He proved it Saturday. The Jayhawks big men shut him down, and Hansbrough wasn't even the best player on that floor over the weekend (Derrick Rose). To those media members--including Jay Bilas--who stated that although Hansbrough probably wasn't the best player in the country he should get the award anyway.....you're dead wrong. I'm not going to call you an 'idiot' or rail against your knowledge of the game. But I will say that admitting that Psycho T wasn't the best player in the country but still giving him the award for BEST PLAYER IN THE COUNTRY is asanine. The award isn't National Most Valuable Player; if that were the case, I'd listen to arguments for Hansbrough over Michael Beasley and Rose. But its for National Player of the Year. The best player. The national media members who voted for Hansbrough even though they thought he wasn't the best player in the NCAAs blew it this year.

--Also, I know everyone was ecstatic about the championship game yesterday. Yes, it was exciting. It went into overtime, and there was a game-tying three point shot at the end of regulation. But the quality of the play during the game was really, really bad. Ball handling was very sloppy. Both teams took bad shots. Memphis looked horrible at the free throw line down the stretch. The Tigers blew a nine-point lead with two minutes left. Joey Dorsey played a really stupid game and was lucky to not have been called for a few technicals during the game. Also, it seemed very apparent to me that the officials in the game couldn't keep up with the level of athleticism displayed by both squads. There were numerous instances of out of control ball handlers getting blocking fouls called when it was obvious they didn't deserve them. Also, there were a lot of instances where the reverse situation occurred: a player made a strong move to the hoop, drew contact, lost the ball--and nothing happened.

--However, the worst part of the game was the coaching of John Calipari. I hate Billy Packer like everyone else. But he made a very good point during the game: every time Rose had the ball, the Tigers set a screen for him. Either Rose would call for one or a screen would be set for him. And every time, the Jayhawks did a fantastic job of stepping out and denying the open lane, essentially creating a double-team on Rose, causing him to give up the ball. Packer was calling for Memphis to stop setting Rose screens all game, and until the final five minutes, they kept doing it. Then, up three with seconds left, I really do not understand the decision to not foul there and allow Kansas to take that shot. I know it was a terrific shot by Mario Chalmers. I know there were two Memphis players there contesting. But if you foul him with three or four seconds left, the Jayhawks--with no timeouts--have to devise a play to get an open look, rather than just improvising during a chaotic situation like they did.

--Finally, what really steamed my clams (WTF?) during the weekend was the announcement of the 2008 class of the Basketball Hall of Fame and its coverage. Honestly, you would of thought that Dick Vitale was the only guy that made it this year. ESPN interviewed a bawling Dickie V for its story on SportsCenter and then showed a list of the other guys that made it--including PATRICK EWING AND HAKEEM OLAJUWON!!!. Lets see......this year's class includes Patrick Ewing, perhaps the best player in New York Knicks history and a top-five center; Hakeem Olajuwon, a player many consider (including me) to be the best center of the modern era and winner of two NBA titles; and Pat Riley, one of the best coaches in league history.....and the four-letter network decides to run the interview of Vitale sobbing like a little girl with a skinned knee over and over again like its some touching moment. Then, while in the car listening to Westwood One's pre-game coverage of the NCAA tournament title game, their reporter describes the class like this: This year's class includes Patrick Ewing, a member of the 1984 NCAA Championship team and the New York Knicks all-time leading scorer; Hakeem Olajuwon, member of those great Houston Cougars Phi Slamma Jamma teams of the 1980s; and of course, Dick Vitale--Dickie V--coach anc announcer. They then played Vitale's interview. What the fuck?????

I don't begrudge Vitale's induction and his emotion; I'm not sure if he deserved it, but I don't have a vote. But I think even Dookie V would be a little embarassed that he was getting the majority of the coverage while two of the best players and one of the top coaches of the era were being inducted right next to him and being mentioned in reports as mere afterthoughts.

April 6: White Sox 13, Detroit 2

The Good: Pretty much everything. Swisher led off the game with his first White Sox home run. Orlando Cabrera had a three-run double. AJ got on base three times. Carlos Quentin continued his hot start with 4 RBI, while Joe Crede knocked in another three. Pitching-wise, Mark Buehrle tossed seven innings and allowed just one earned run. To wrap things up, Mike MacDougal worked two innings and didn't allow a run. Thats where I like to see MacDougal.....with an 11-run lead in the 9th.

The Bad: Well, the Sox had three errors, two by Crede. Thats about it.

Final thought: A 4-2 week against Cleveland and Detroit on the road is a wonderful start; I'm thrilled with the first week, especially in the production of the lineup and the bullpen. I'm going to opening day today; maybe there will be some pictures to accompany tomorrow's post.

So, to make up for it, here are another of my five favorite porn stars (NSFW, by the way):

--Ashlynn Brooke
--Bree Olson
--Gianna
--Olivia O'Lovely
--Georgia Peach

You know better than to doubt me, Graig.

April 3: White Sox 2, Cleveland 1

The Good: Pitching, pitching, pitching. Jon Danks threw a solid game, going 6.2 and allowing just one run. Dotel came on to get the Sox out of a jam in the 7th, Scott Linebrink pitched a perfect 8th, and Bobby Jenks locked it down for the save. Offensively, the Sox lived by the long ball with home runs in the Juan Uribe (who avoids my wrath for a day) in the 6th and Mr. Clutch, Joe Crede in the 8th. Sox get their first win and I can avoid wasting the rest of the day at work wondering why the hell I feel like this team is going to suck just because they got swept right off the bat.

The Bad: Well, outside of those two homers, the offense was pretty dead. But a lot of that had to do with Jake Westbrook, who many say is going to have a breakout year. The outfield defense was a problem for the second game in a row, as Jermaine Dye looks like a DH playing right field. Carlos Quentin got his first action of the season and promptly went 0-for-4.

Final thought: Winner, winner, chicken dinner. So things could be worse. 1-2 going into Detroit looks a lot better than 0-3. It should be an interesting series, especially with Contreras facing a struggling Tiger offense tomorrow. Also, enjoy one of my new favorites in the adult industry--Bree Olson--in the banner pic and here (very NSFW). Searching for her at work might get me fired.

April 2: Cleveland 7, White Sox 2
The Good: Uh......not a whole lot. A.J. hit a home run. Crede had a RBI single. Orlando Cabrera got on base three times. Also, no one got injured.

The Bad: All right, this might take a minute. First off, Javy had one of those games where his pitches move too much and he can't put anyone away. It seemed like he went 3-2 on every hitter; he was way too "pitchy", trying to perfectly hit his spots. In the second inning, with the game still scoreless and two men on for Cleveland and two out, Vazquez had Kelly Shoppach down 1-2 and eventually walked him, including throwing a 3-2 breaking ball. That loaded the bases for Grady Sizemore, and whenever Sizemore is up in a run-scoring situation against the Sox, it is a law that he produces. This time, he drilled a 2-run single and the Sox were never close in the game again. The Sox had one more chance to make it a game, but Jermaine Dye struck out with the bases loaded in the 8th. Oh, and to add insult to injury, Ozzie gave Mike MacDougal a chance to work with nothing really on the line, and he promptly gave up two runs in two innings of work. He really, really sucks.

Final thought: Well, its discouraging that in the first two games of the season the Sox have allowed 17 runs, especially with the two guys we are supposed to be counting on starting on the mound. Today's John Danks-Jake Westbrook matchup doesn't exactly inspire confidence in the avoidance of a sweep, but who knows?

I'm going to try to write a little something for each and every White Sox game the next day; this is probably impossible, especially on the weekends. Also, if the Sox suck, I reserve the right to quit this exercise as soon as possible. But I'm going to try, and I will also see if I can include a banner pic to grab your attention.

March 31, 2008--Cleveland 10, White Sox 8
The Good: Well, Jim Thome hit two home runs, so thats good. The Sox came back from a 7-2 deficit and might have taken the lead were it not for two, possibly three, horrible calls by the umpires during the game, highlighted by a call in the 7th inning at home plate which I thought was going to kill Hawk Harrelson. So unlike last year, at least this team shows signs of not automatically quitting after down early. Nick Massett did well in long relief.

The Bad: Mark Buehrle gave up 7 runs in just over an inning, so his ERA is pretty high at this point. Juan Uribe fucked up a double play at second base in the Indians' huge second inning which might have ended their threat. Uribe stayed consistent in his pursuit of becoming the first White Sox player assassinated during a home game by also striking out three times. Perhaps the most disappointing was the craptacular performance by Octavio Dotel, the Sox supposed 7th or 8th inning guy this year. He gave up three runs, took the loss, and looked very, very hittable.

Final thought: Eh, what are you gonna do? Sure, it would have been better if they pulled it out, but at least the season has started. If this game happens in August during a tight pennant race, I might write 20,000 words on it.

Roger Goodell announced the NFL's first weekend will feature a Thursday night season opener between the World Champion New York Giants and their division rival, the Washington Redskins. There will also be Monday night matchups between the Green Bay Packers and Minnesota Vikings as well as the Denver Broncos and Oakland Raiders.

Oh, and the Sunday night game will feature the Bears going to Indianapolis to open the Colts' new home field, Lucas Oil Stadium.

If I had to pick the worst situation for the Bears to open 2008, it might be this. Maybe opening at New England in its first meaningful game since last year's Super Bowl loss would be worse. Hard to tell. But a matchup of one of the most powerful offenses going up against the Bears' offense--with starting skill position players Rex Grossman, Cedric Benson, Marty Booker, and Brandon Lloyd--seems like a choice tailor-made for embarassment. Add in the emotion and excitement sure to be felt by the Colts......and this one is going to get real ugly, real quick.

Thanks, commish. Good to get that tone set early with a solid 52-0 drubbing.

What else do I need? This week's Friday Hot Chick, Keeley Hazell, to never wear a shirt.

--Goodness.
--Her team is going to give up a lot of goals.
--I'd be willing to wait a month for this.
--Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, she's something.
--Why even waste time with non-nude pics? (NSFW)
--Also, you might of heard, that Keeley had a sex tape released a while back. Here she is blowing the dude in the movie. Here is a collage of screen caps from the tape (be careful of the penis).

As with yesterday's A.L. preview, I'm going to try to keep things short today. But I probably won't. With that in mind, here are my projections for the upcoming baseball season:

NL East
1. Philadelphia--The Phillies will prove their late rush in 2007 and eventual division title was no fluke and will again overcome the highly lauded and overrated Mets. If Pedro Feliz, Jayson Werth, and/or Geoff Jenkins have solid offensive years, the Phillies will be the most dangerous lineup in baseball, and their rotation, anchored by Cole Hamels and the man that loves retards--Brett Myers--is one of the strongest in the league. There are a lot of questions on this team, but the biggest might be the acquisition of Brad Lidge at closer. Lidge had a great push late last year, but pitching in Philly might bring back a lot of nightmares for the embattled hurler. But even if he falters, Philadelphia has Flash Gordon waiting in the wings.
2. NY Mets--I love how everyone is handing the Mets the division and the pennant already because they made one acquisiton. Yes, Johan Santana is arguably the best pitcher in the game and could very well dominate the National League. And yes, the Mets offense can be dynamic, led by David Wright and Jose Reyes. But lets not forget this--after Santana, the Mets rotation is as follows: a 40-something year old guy who peaked in the mid to late 90s (Pedro Martinez); a third starter who, while solid, has never put it all together (John Maine); a guy with a career 1.43 WHIP and 4.43 ERA (Oliver Perez); and possibly Jorge Sosa. Not to mention, the Mets still have Brian Schneider, Carlos Delgado, Luis Castillo, Ryan Church, and Angel Pagan in their starting lineup......so, why is this team supposedly head and shoulders above everyone else again?
3. Atlanta--Up until this year, I've picked the Braves to be in the playoffs and/or World Series every year since I can remember. Why? Because it was the easy, pussy thing to do. They always made it. And while this year's Braves have a very good mix of young and old in both the lineup and bullpen, I think the starting pitching will be the team's downfall. The three to five starters (Tom Glavine, Mike Hampton, Jair Jurrgens) are all either unproven or proven to be bad. If I thought Glavine had something left in the tank or Hampton would revert to his old self, I'd pick this team to battle for the division title. But I don't. So I won't.
4. Florida--The Marlins are loaded with young talent, including possible MVP Hanley Ramirez. Dan Uggla, Josh Willingham, and Jeremy Hermidia are also young Marlins who could make an impact again in 2008. However, the best pitcher on the Florida staff is starter Mark Hendrickson or closer Kevin Gregg. Both are decent enough players, but when thats the class of the hurlers......it could get a little ugly in Miami.
5. Washington--Hey, a new ballpark!!! Hey, look at all the newly acquired talent!!! This is going to be fun. Well, it will be fun for people who are fans of the other teams. Watching Elijiah Dukes and Lastings Milledge in the same outfield (and city for that matter) for 6 months is going to be awesome. Add in the Meat Hook to that clubhouse and this should be its own reality show. On the field, Ryan Zimmerman could have a breakout season, but the Nats pitching staff is horrible, and if they were horrible in the old park......which rivaled Rhode Island in terms of square footage.....how bad are they going to be in a new park with realistic distances to the fences?

NL Central
1. Chicago--I honestly don't love the Cubs this year. I think Ted Lilly will regress a bit back to his normal self, and the lineup excitement everyone is feeling is a bit unwarranted. While I like what people are saying about Kosuke Fukodome, I think the instability of Alfonso Soriano (especially since he's going to hit outside of leadoff) and the great unknowns at centerfield and second base are question marks that need to be answered as soon as possible. One thing I know for sure is that the closer position will eventually be Carlos Marmol's. I am sure about this for two reasons: one, Kerry Wood is going to get hurt; two, Marmol is better than Wood. By far. I expect a similar season to 2007, where the Cubs underachieve somewhat but still win the division.
2. Houston--I was all ready to pick the Astros in the Central until I realized that Miguel Tejada and his decreasing hitting ability and increasing likelihood of going to prison are going to be hanging over this team. I like the Astros rotation, and I think their lineup has the chance to be awesome. But the bullpen will be an issue, even with the addition of Jose Valverde. If Tejada pulls through his mess somehow and one or two bullpen arms come through, Houston could be the team to beat in the Central.
3. Pittsburgh--Yeah, thats right. Listen, this division sucks major ass. These six teams all have the ability to finish under .500. That probably won't happen, but why not take a chance here with the Pirates. Their pitching is not bad at all. If they get a comeback season from Jason Bay or Adam LaRoche, they definitely have enough talent to finish third in this piece of shit division. Do they have enough to finish over .500 for the first time since 'Cheers' was on the air? I don't know about that.
4. Milwaukee--The Brewers really should of won the division last year, but instead showed how a young team falters down the stretch. There is no questioning the Brewers offensive potential. But many of these young players--Prince Fielder, Ryan Braun, Corey Hart--had breakout seasons last year. Most of the time, after a big year, a young player will regress a bit the next year. So combine a slight downturn in offensive production with what is an atrocious pitching staff, and you have a 4th place finish in a bad division.
5. St. Louis--The only reason I'm not picking the Cardinals to finish last is because I can't ever see St. Louis finishing last. In any division. But this starting rotation has a chance to be the worst in the league, and thats saying a lot. Adam Wainright is a beast, but can he stay healthy and pitch 200-plus innings as a team's number one starter? From there, the rotation reads Braden Looper, Kyle Lohse, Todd Wellemeyer, and Brad Thompson. Great googily moogily, thats bad. The bullpen won't be that bad, but they might not get many leads to hold following up that group. I look for the Cards to score some runs and lose a lot of 7-6 games.
6. Cincinnati--I really don't understand what the Reds were thinking with the Dusty Baker hiring. I don't think Dusty is a horrible manager, like many in Chicago do. In fact, I kind of liked his tenure on the north side (well, I'm a Sox fan, so take that with a grain of salt). But here you have this team, infused with young talent and some nice pitching, and you hire a guy with a history of not playing young players--no matter how good--and burning out young arms. It makes absolutely no sense to me. The Reds were going to be bad anyway; why not hire a guy who will let the kids mature and make a run in 2009, like the Brewers are doing? In any case, the Reds will probably suck and Adam Dunn will get traded for prospects, prospects that Dusty won't play. Enjoy sucking until 2013, Cincinnati!!!

NL West
1. Arizona--Here's a bandwagon I can jump on. While the Mets addition of Santana got all the pub, the D-Backs trade for Dan Haren might have been the more important deal. The snakes now have the best starting pitching in the National League, play strong defense, and have postseason experience. Thats a combination I like to ride all the way through to a pennant, my friends.
2. San Diego--Despite a lineup that is as anemic as Amy Winehouse, the Padres continue to pitch well enough to be considered a playoff threat. However, this year, the team above them in the West has a pitching staff equal to theirs (or better), and a better offense. Still, San Diego is a solid club who will win 85-90 games and win the wild card. Also, southern Californians will love Tadahito Iguchi. I expect the Gooch to take Cali by storm. Go get em, Gooch!!!!
3. Colorado--Last year's runners-up had a hell of a run before finally playing a really good team, Boston, and getting their eggs kicked in during late October. Expect the Rockies to regress somewhat this year, as Matt Holliday can't possibly put up the same numbers he did in 2007. Also, the Rockies pitching won't be as good, as Jeff Francis, Aaron Cook, and Ubaldo Jimenez all had strong 2007s which were totally abnormal. Look for the Rockies to win about 80-85 games.
4. Los Angeles--Hey, we got Joe Torre! Hey, look at us, we added Andruw Jones! We're the Dodgers, you know we'll be good! No, you won't. While I love Matt Kemp and Russell Martin, the rest of the Dodgers lineup is very suspect. Also, Brad Penny almost never makes it through an entire season without injury, so that leaves Derek Lowe, Chad Billingsely, Hiroki Kuroda, and Esteban Loiaza to carry the staff. And while Billingsely and Kuroda could very well be decent to good, Lowe and Loaiza are going to suclk.
5. San Francisco--Seriously, this is the worst team in baseball. Here are the Giants starting position players: Bengie Molina, Rich Aurilia, Ray Durham, Eugenio Velez, Omar Vizquel, Dave Roberts, Aaron Rowand, Randy Winn. Ok, you say, thats not great. They must be focusing on pitching. And the Giants do have the potential to have a good staff. But no matter how good the pitching is, someone has to score runs. And when Aaron Rowand is your cleanup hitter, you're going to lose a lot of 2-1, 3-2 games.

Playoffs--Philadelphia over San Diego, Arizona over Chicago, Arizona over Philadelphia
NL MVP--Hanley Ramirez, Florida
NL Cy Young--Brandon Webb, Arizona
NL Rookie of the Year--Kosuke Fukodome, Chicago
NL Manager of the Year--John Russell, Pittsburgh
NL Comeback Player of the Year--Randy Johnson, Arizona

--My World Series pick is the LA-Anaheim Angels over the Arizona Diamondbacks, 4 games to 2.

I'm not going to go too in-depth here with my reasoning for these predictions? Why? Two reasons. First of all, last year I picked the Yankees and the Braves to play in the World Series. I also expected the Giants to be a surprise team, and the White Sox to have a similar season as in 2006, when they won 90 games and finished third. None of these things happened. So why go into some deep analysis if its obvious that there is no way of knowing what will happen 7 months from now. The second reason is that about 50 percent of my readers come here not for sports knolwedge, but for my hot-chick-image-searching abilities. For you guys out there, here's Lindsay Lohan and her 'Mean Girls' castmate, Lacey Chabert, two of my favorites.

Back to the baseball. Here are my predictions for the upcoming season:

AL East
1. Boston--The defending champs are still the best team in this division. The only way they don't repeat as AL East champs is if Josh Beckett has an injury-plagued season and the bullpen falters. I expect Manny Ramirez to have a comeback season, of sorts, after hitting .296 with 20 homers and 88 RBI in 2007. I also expect numerous bandwagon-jumping douchebags claiming to be Red Sox fans to invade opposing ballparks to watch 'their team', only to ask questions like 'Who's that number 34?' and 'Why is Dice-K pitching right-handed?'
2. NY Yankees--New York still has too much talent to finish anywhere but the top two in this division, but I think this is the year the Yankees miss the playoffs for the first time since 1993. The substitution of Joe Torre with Joe Girardi is not as solid a move as many would have you believe. Also, the Yankees rotation could very well be awful, as Phil Hughes, Ian Kennedy, and Joba Chamberlain (starting the year in the bullpen) all must contribute for the Yankees to be successful. But it will be good to see Yankee Stadium's final game be mid-September regular season matchup with the Orioles and not a World Series game. Why? Because fuck the Yankees, thats why.
3. Tampa Bay--Oh, I love me some Rays. A trendy pick to finish ahead of the Yankees in the division, Tampa Bay's starting rotation, if healhty, could be one of the best in the American League. James Shields and Scott Kazmir are a solid one-two punch, and I expect Matt Garza to have a breakout season. The Rays' offense revolves around all-world outfielder Carl Crawford and breakout beast BJ Upton. I would agree with the thought that Tampa could finish second if I wasn't so unsure about that bullpen. If you've got Troy Percival as your closer, and you're not the 1997 Anaheim Angels.......you might have some late-game issues.
4. Toronto--Seriously, is there a scrappier team in the history of baseball than the 2008 Toronto Blue Jays? Maybe the 1993 Phillies, but look at some of the names playing important roles on this Jays team: Aaron Hill, Marco Scutaro, David Eckstein, Gregg Zaun....even Lyle Overbay and Matt Stairs are somewhat grindy, in a softball-beer league kind of way. However, as scrappy as this team might be, it doesn't make up for the fact that none of their starting pitchers can stay healthy for an entire year and they have already lost their supposed closer for the season. Expect the Blue Jays to take the approach of the late-1990s White Sox teams, and try to win every game 11-10.
5. Baltimore--(In a Tony Montana voice): Bal-tee-more? That sounds like a bird or summthing. No, seriously. The Orioles are going to be fucking awful, as they have been since the late 90s. Steve Trachsel is their number two starter. Number two. For the major league club, not the AAA affiliate. Newly-acquired Adam Jones could provide some excitement and win Rookie of the Year honors, but the O's will be lucky to win 70 games.

AL Central
1. Detroit--I really struggled with this pick, as it seems too obvious that the Tigers will take control of this division after the off-season they had. And the baseball gods do not work that way. But after looking at their lineup and rotation, I think its clear that they would have to fall flat on their face to not at least win the wild card, and Jim Leyland is too good of a manager to let that happen. Bullpen troubles could hamper the Tigers, but I expect the team to do enough until Joel Zumaya comes back and immediately starts making people look silly on his 129 mph fastball.
2. Cleveland--As a fan of the White Sox, I'm supposed to really hate the other teams in the AL Central. Well, except the Royals. I don't really hate them. They are more annoying than anything. But I like this Indians team. I was very tempted to pick them to win the division again, but I will say that they will win the wild card. Look for either Grady Sizemore or Travis Hafner to have an MVP season, and I expect a bounceback campaign from 5th starter Cliff Lee. What do I not expect? I don't expect to be shunned from the local Starbucks just for looking at tranny porn with my pants around my ankles while drinking my venti-no whip-mocha frappaccino. But thats what happens. Every time.
3. Chicago--Oh, my White Sox. I would love to believe the compairisons between this spring training and the spring training of 2005: how there are questions about the rotation, how no one knows who is going to step up out of the bullpen, etc. Also, I would like to believe that its not a big deal that 5 days before opening day, the Sox still don't have a clear-cut second baseman, centerfielder, or left fielder, and are demoting one of the team's home run leaders last year to AAA because we can't get enough value for one of the best defensive third basemen in baseball. But these things are a big deal. I'll be watching and analyzing all year long, but at this point, I don't see how the Sox win more than 80-85 games, especially in this division.
4. Minnesota--As a White Sox fan, the Twins have always bugged me more than any other AL team. They always pull out big games in the most heart-wrenching way possible. It was always guys like Jason Bartlett that killed the team, not Morneau or Hunter. But this year seems different. With Torii gone, with Johan gone, with Francisco Liriano still a huge question mark, and with LIVAN HERNANDEZ the opening day starter.....I can't fear this Twins club. I'm sure I'll live to choke on these words in August when the Twins complete a three-game sweep of the Sox as Adam Everett hits a three-run triple in the bottom of the ninth to cap a 6-run comeback. But at this point, I'm willing to bet that this team will in fact suck.
5. Kansas City--People love Alex Gordon, and he started to come on late last year. This year, people seem to love Billy Butler, who will DH for the Royals. But outside of those two, this lineup really sucks. That won't stop them from lighting up the Sox every time they play, but that doesn't mean they won't be bad. Also, the KC rotation is young and has potential. But its more likely that Zack Grienke and Kyle Davies will both need at least one more year before they can produce, especially pitching in the American League. However, look for Kenny Williams to acquire whichever Royal is pitching the worst out of the bullpen in July, to continue the in the tradition of Mike MacDougal and Andy Sisco.

AL West
1. LA-Anaheim--And here's my World Series champion pick. I absolutely love the Angels this year. I think Ervin Santana will turn things around this year, and once John Lackey comes back in May, the LAA rotation will be stacked. The Angels lineup, which struggled to score runs in the past, will be bolstered by a healthy Chone Figgins and the energy of Torii Hunter. And best of all, we will be treated to the Rally Monkey again in October, easily the best invention by a PR team in the history of the world. Come on, people.....its a monkey in a little outfit that makes people cheer!!!! How can you not love that?
2. Seattle--While some M's fans hate the Bedard for Adam Jones deal, I love it. Seattle immediately gets arguably the best starter in the league, and still has a solid offensive outfield. (Sure, they gave up some range defensively, and Jones might turn out to be a beast, but....). I like Yuniesky Betancourt at shortstop, and Ichiro is and will always be one of my favorite players in baseball. Scoring runs and middle relief might keep the Mariners from the postseason, however.
3. Texas--The Rangers could lead the American League in runs scored. Unfortunately, their pitching staff is 'anchored' by number three starter Jason Jennings and number four starter Kason Gabbard. Ouch. It will be interesting to see if Milton Bradley goes crazy this year; 81 games in the Texas heat, combined with living in Texas around all those crazy crackers might make old Milton throw his bat off an ump's head. Who knows? Lets watch.
4. Oakland--I know Billy Beane is a genius and all, but this is a bad, bad team. If Bobby Crosby gets hurt, I can honestly say that as a pretty good baseball fan and avid follower of the American League, I know about half of their roster. Lenny DiNardo is in this team's rotation; I think thats a character on 'The Simpsons'. Also, Jose Hernandez and the ghost of Bobby Bonds have been seen spending a lot of time with Jack Cust, trying to entice him to strike out 250 times, shattering their marks for most K's in a year. The A's will be lucky to win 75 games.

Playoffs: Anaheim over Cleveland, Detroit over Boston, Anaheim over Detroit.
AL MVP: Grady Sizemore, Cleveland
AL CY Young: Justin Verlander, Detroit
AL Rookie of the Year: Adam Jones, Baltimore
AL Manager of the Year: Joe Maddon, Tampa Bay
AL Comeback of the Year: Cliff Lee, Cleveland

Back tomorrow with the National League.

I know we are in the depths of March Madness, but since I have my first of two fantasy baseball drafts tomorrow, I figured I would throw down some guys to watch at every position. Some of these guys won't be major surprises, especially to my fellow baseball/fantasy nerds. But if you're a casual fantasy player or fan, maybe some of this info can help you in your draft or the next time you're having a baseball conversation with a sports doofus like myself.

--First Base: James Loney, LA Dodgers--Loney was called up to the big club in June last year and immediately proved to be one of the best hitters on the team. After hitting just one homer in the minor leagues, Loney hit 15 in just 344 at-bats with the Dodgers last year while batting .331. Why the sudden boost in power? Steroids, obviously. Well, I can't prove that.......maybe he's corking his bat. But I'd rather have a cheater on my team that tearing it up for my opponents. You'd probably be able to get Loney relatively late in mixed-league drafts.

--Second Base: Alexei Ramirez, White Sox--I'm sure some of youa re saying "Hey HHY, you're picking a White Sox player, huh? What a shock, you perverted homer." And you'd be correct in every part of that quote. But still, things are aligning perfectly for the recent signee from Cuba to not only win the job but have a solid year at a thin fantasy position. Juan Uribe is definitely on his way out with the Sox (finally), and last year's surprise Danny Richar broke his ribs this week and will be out up to six weeks. Ramirez has looked great in the spring, and he could provide solid average and speed in a potent offensive lineup.

--Shortstop: Stephen Drew, Arizona: Shortstop is a ridiculously deep position, and even if you don't get one of the big three (Reyes, Ramirez, Rollins), there are five or six other guys you could be very happy with. But if you want to take a late-round flyer on a guy, Drew would be a solid pick. He only hit .238/12/60 in his first full year in 2007, but he blew up in the postseason, especially against the Cubs. I'm thinking that boost to confidence could help him become a premier offensive shortstop. However, he is a Drew, so he could end up missing the next four years with a bruised vagina.

--Third Base: Pedro Feliz, Philadelphia--The 32-year old Feliz is a consistent, if unspectacular, player with multi-position eligibility. He's usually one of the guys who bounces between the waiver wire and people's teams all year. A fantasy whore, if you will. But a change of scenery to Philly could provide huge boosts for Feliz, who has averaged 21 homers and 84 runs batted in the last three years in a horrible hitters park. Hitting in the Phillies' lineup and in that park could make Feliz a legitimate 30/100 guy.

--Catcher: JR Towles, Houston--Towles was a September call-up for the Astros last year, and impressed enough to win the job heading into 2008. Combining his stats from the minors and majors last year, Towles hit .325/12/63. He's a right-handed hitter playing in a park where I could hit it out to left field. If you draft two catchers, take a chance on Towles.

--Outfield: Lastings Milledge, Washington--Baseball people know all about Milledge, one of the Mets' top prospects for the last few years. This offseason, he was dealt to the Nationals. With the pressure of becoming the next Willie Mays in New York off of Lastings, he could blossom. He's got speed, good power potential, and might hit around .280 or higher.

--Starting Pitcher: Matt Garza, Tampa Bay--The 24-year old right hander moves to Tampa this year as part of the Delmon Young trade. In two seasons with the Twins, Garza went 8-13 with a 4.47 ERA and 105 strikeouts in 133 innings. Not exactly great numbers. But Garza was consistently ripped at the hitting-friendly Metrodome, while posting a 2.49 ERA on the road. Change of scenery plus no more games at the Metrodome equals a breakout season for Garza.

--Closer: Trevor Hoffman, San Diego--How can the 40-year old all-time leader in saves be a sleeper? Well, Hoffman is being projected anywhere between the 9th and 16th best closer out there, and I think that any guy who has been as consistent as Hoffman over the past 15 years should be a top 7 or 8 closer, easily. Despite his penchant for choking in key moments like a 19-year old runaway in her first face-fucking themed porno, Hoffman is always good for 40-plus saves and a WHIP around 1.00.

Anyway, this means that the higher-ups are obviously checking out what the piss-ons are doing online. So conducting an image search for "Lacey Chabert + tits" isn't too smart. Therefore, FHC will be posted on Thursday night from now on.

I'm very proud of myself for this week's selection, Michelle Lombardo. I first noticed Michelle when she played a bit part on 'Entourage'. Apparently she won some modeling contest, appeared in Sports Illustrated's swimsuit issue, and has a few movies coming out. It really doesn't matter......she's ridiculously hot.

--Pull those down.
--They're real.....
--....and they're spectacular
--Usually I don't do basic face pictures, but....
--Damn
--Not until you're finished with your dusting

So, the time is here......tomorrow morning, while I'm stuck at work, three or four games will tip off and the drought between the Super Bowl and March Madness will finally be over. Thank god.

I'm not saying that the NBA didn't offer some solid action, or that NFL free agency wasn't intriguing (Brandon Lloyd.......yes!). But March Madness, especially the first four days, are special. 64 teams get whittled down to 16, and of the 48 teams that lose either their first or second round games, at least a few will be pretty surprising.

So, after yesterday's half-hearted, fully-perverted look at the tournament, here is the real analysis you expect from hardawayhatesyou. I have incldued pick for the winner of each region, a dark horse (6 seed or lower that could make some noise), and the region MOP.

East Region
Indiana-Arkansas and Notre Dame-George Mason highlight the first round matchups in this bracket, which holds--in my opinion--the two best teams in the country right now (North Carolina and Tennessee). I don't expect any first round upsets here, but I am predicting Oklahoma to trip up Louisville in round two. The regional final will pit the Tar Heels against the Volunteers, and my orange-shirted friends will win a virtual road game in Charlotte en route to the Final Four. Pick--Tennessee, Dark Horse--Oklahoma, Region MOP--Tyler Smith, Tennessee

Midwest Region
Clemson-Villanova and USC-Kansas State are the most intriguing first round games here, as the latter matchup pits OJ Mayo against Michael Beasley. If you haven't heard, those guys are freshmen and they are pretty decent. They might get drafted next year. This region's two seed, Georgetown, is the softest of the top eight teams, in my opinion. My first major upset prediction is that Davidson, winners of 22 straight, will beat the Hoyas to advance to the Sweet 16 after toppling Gonzaga. In the end, I see highly-talented Kansas beating boringly effective Wisconsin for the regional title. Pick--Kansas, Dark Horse--Davidson, Regional MOP--Mario Chalmers, Kansas

South Region
The South Region may be the deepest in the bracket, as number one seed Memphis has lost one game all year; two seed Texas has beaten two number one seeds in this tournament (UCLA and Kansas); three seed Stanford is a bad call or two away from being the champions of arguably the best conference in the country; and four seed Pitt is perhaps the hottest team in the country right now. Not to mention an always tournament-tough Michigan State team and an 11 seed, Kentucky, that can beat anyone in the bracket. I expect Pitt to get past Memphis in the round of 16 only to lose to the red-hot Longhorns in the regional final. Pick--Texas, Dark Horse--Kentucky, Regional MOP--DJ Augustin, Texas

West Region
It seems to be the consensus that UCLA is going to walk through this region, and I tend to agree. Two seed Duke has no inside presence and would probably be a four or five seed if they weren't Duke; three seed Xavier, while talented, hasn't been tested by many big-time opponents; and the next three seeds include UConn (lost in first round of conference tourney), Drake (mid-level power but untested), and Purdue (young team that lost to Illinois in its last game). I don't see how anyone but the Bruins win the West, but look for West Virginia-Arizona and Xavier-Georgia to be interesting first round games. Pick--UCLA, Dark Horse--Arizona, Regional MOP--Darren Collison, UCLA

Me? I'm not that talented of a writer. But I do enjoy looking at beautiful women. So I've decided to compare some of the tournament's favorites to the female celebrity they most resemble.

East Region
--North Carolina: pre-pregnancy Jessica Alba--As the number one overall seed, the Tar Heels are the consensus best team in the country. In that same vain, you cannot find a heterosexual male on the planet who doesn't think that Jessica Alba is smoking hot. However, not that many people are picking UNC to go all the way; hence, not many guys would tell you Jessica Alba is the hottest woman alive.
--Tennessee: Christina Aguilera--The Volunteers play a fast, up-tempo, pressurized, "in-your-face" type of game. They are also very athletic and deep. X-Tina's sluttiness is equally "in-your-face" and she is very athletic. She could also be deep. I don't know. The Vols are a sexy pick in the brackets, as would Christina be in the hot chick tournament.
--Notre Dame: Ashlee Simpson--The Irish have two solid players, but to be honest, when tested on the road and in big games, they have not come through. Ashlee is definitely cute, but she's not good looking enough or talented enough to be considered in the same league as other women.
--Indiana: Lindsay Lohan--With all of the controversy surrounding the Hoosiers and ex-coach Kelvin Sampson, its any wonder they haven't completely fell apart. However, they are the most talented team in the Big Ten and if they can get their act together, could definitely make some noise in the brackets. Lindsay is out from under her crazy coach mother, and is escaping from the controversy surrounding her to show off her many talents.

Midwest Region
--Kansas: Laetitia Casta--The Jayhawks are almost always a top seed in the tournament, and this year is no different, as perhaps Bill Self's most talented team tries to take him to his first Final Four. Casta has been around forever, and despite being ridiculously hot, no one ever mentions her as one of the hottest women in the world anymore.
--Georgetown: Kerry Washington--Yeah, thats right.....I picked a black chick for Georgetown. So what? That doesn't make me a racist.
--Wisconsin: Kirsten Dunst--The Badgers are boring but oddly effective. Kirsten Dunst is the most unattractive chick that a lot of guys think is hot in the history of the world. Seriously, I don't get it......much like I don't get how the Badgers are a top ten team in the country. (Also, the pic linked here is the only one of KD in the last ten years that can be classified as 'hot')
--Davidson: Michelle Lombardo--Davidson seems to be the popular sleeper this year, and I agree. I think they have as good a chance as any double-digit seed to make the Sweet 16. Michelle is my new favorite hot chick that no one really knows about. In fact, look for her on Friday.

South Region
--Memphis: Kim Kardashian--The Tigers are a great team. They only have one loss all year, and that was to the number one team in the country at that time. They could easily win the title, but they have one major flaw: free throw shooting. Kim K has ridiculous curves, a beautiful face, and seems to have no problem with taping herself having sex. However, she also has one major flaw......she may have been peed on by a third-rate R&B singer.
--Texas: Scarlett Johannsen--The Longorns, and Scarlett, are a very solid pick with people in the know. They are playing well right now; she is looking good right now. The Horns have a recent history of hoops success; Scarlett has a recent history of being successful in making me erect.
--Stanford: Rachel McAdams--The Cardinal are a few tough breaks away from being the best team in the Pac-10 and a probable number one seed. They are one of the scariest teams in the tournament and will be respected by everyone they play. McAdams is one big forehead away from being the hottest chick to come out of 'Mean Girls' and is thought of very highly by hot chick analysts/perverts everywhere.
--Pittsburgh: Katherine Heigl--The Panthers are a very trendy pick after winning the Big East tournament, and are definitely capable of winning the region and advancing to the Final Four. However, simply put, they are not that good. Katherine is one of the hottest actresses out there right now, starring in one of the highest-rated shows on network TV and some very popular films of late. But when you really look at her......she's not that hot.
--Kentucky: Ashley Judd--Just because she would want it that way.

West Region
--UCLA: Jessica Biel--Everyone agrees that the Bruins are a very good team who should ride its experience and talent all the way through the region and into the Final Four. Those same people agree that Jessica Biel is ridiculously hot and will ride her unreal ass and sick body throughout a fine career.
--Duke: Paris Hilton--The Blue Devils are one-dimensional, overrated, get too much publicity, and everyone hates them. Paris is all of these things, except for the one-dimensional part......she's still looking for a dimension.
--Xavier: Diora Baird--Casual fans might say 'Who?' or 'How can a virtual unknown get that high of a seed?'. Those who truly follow the game know how balanced and highly talented Xavier/Diora are.
--Purdue: Hayden Panettiere--Very talented, but much too young to make noise in the tournament.

So, there you go. Feel free to come up with your own in the comments.

I'm not a huge Illini basketball fan, but I decided to fill a few hours on a lazy Saturday live-blogging the Big Ten semifinal game against the Golden Gophers.

19:19--Minnesota starts the scoring by getting a turnover, going on a 3-on-1, settling for a 10-foot jumper, missing it, and then scoring on a putback. Who says Big Ten basketball is bad this year?
18:08--Billy Packer says that both teams are playing 'very comfortably' at this point in the season.......yes, both teams are very comfortable with the fact that they both suck and still have the chance to make the NCAA tournament.
16:25--While watching the Minnesota-Indiana game last night at a sports bar and grill, Mrs. HHY was bewildered by the fact that Minnesota's nickname is the Golden Gophers, and their coach's name is Tubby Smith. She didn't believe me until about 12 minutes into the game on either count.
16:08--Alert the press: Illinois is 2-for-2 from the free throw line.
14:15--Illini lead 7-4 at the first commercial break. I decide to flip around and land on a 'Sopranos' rerun on A&E. Its the episode where Finn finds Vito blowing the security guard. I wonder if Vito will ever get another acting gig. Thats a tough thing to be known for, even if it is just a part.
13:26--I don't know how familiar you are with Illinois and Minnesota basketball, but these have to be the two worst offensive teams to play each other in a Big Ten semifinal.......ever. The Gophers just ran the clock down for 30 seconds only to have the center throw a shot off the side of the backboard.
12:36--There hasn't been a field goal in over four minutes. This was a great idea. Oh. There we go....shot made by Calvin Brock of the Illni. 9-5 Illinois.
11:41--Another commercial break. This time I flip to the White Sox-Cubs exhibition game. I stay long enough to hear my guy Hawk Harrelson say 'choppertwohopper'. I'm ready for Spring, even if the Sox suck.
10:59--To this point, Illinois looks far better than Minnesota. The Gophers are struggling just to get a shot off. Neither of these teams have a chance tomorrow against Wisconsin.
10:05--Illinois just blew a 3-on-1 break of their own which resulted in a turnover and easy hoop for Minnesota. We're halfway through the first half, and Minnesota is on pace for 28 points. Against the 10th best team in the Big Ten. Lord.
8:06--Things are starting to open up a bit, as Trent Meachem hits a three for the Illini to give his team a 18-12 lead. There's hope yet.
6:23--Illinois is showing some life, up 22-14, and they've hit five straight field goals. But as Illinois fans know, the first halves of games haven't been the problem this year. But that is balanced by the fact that they haven't lost to the Gophers since 1999, according to Packer and Jim Nantz. I have pretty much forgotten all of the years between 1995 and 2000. I was in college; I'm sure you understand.
4:30--Neither of these teams have anyone who can get their own shot or has enough balls to take a contested jumper. Therefore, if one of these teams makes 60 points I'll be shocked.
3:27--Demetrius McCamey, the best player on the Illini by far, hits a three to make it 26-19. Minnesota responds by running the shot clock down to two for the 12th time of the first half and then throwing a brick off the front iron.
2:46--The real story of the game so far is that Illinois is 10-of-14 from the free throw line, and Shaun Pruitt is 4-of-5. In other equally-as-believable news, Diora Baird just walked in to my apartment naked offering a free titty-fuck and I told her I was busy.
:20--Pruitt just hit a contested fall away to give him 12 points, 5 boards, and 3 blocks in the first half. Minnesota center Spencer Tollackson is not going to rush to include this half on his highlight reel.
Halftime--Illinois 29, Minnesota 23. Illinois' defense has been strong (or Minnesota's offense has been atrocious) and they have hit their free throws, and the Illini are only up 6. I'm gonna see what the second half line is; I'm liking the Gophers.
**************************************************************
20:00--The second half spread is a pick 'em. There's no way Illinois is winning by more than six. I drop a 50 spot on the Gophers.
17:23--I see that Duke is losing to Clemson early in the second half. I would turn that game on if I wasn't blogging; its probably for the best--if I saw the ridiculous calls Duke will get down the stretch of that game, I'd get so upset I might want to kick a baby.
15:16--Some dude named McKenzie just hit a fallaway three for Minnesota which stayed in the air for about a week before toasting the nylon. These are the types of shots the Gophers are taking on half their possessions. Just awesome offensive production. Why did I bet again?
14:51--Minnesota alum Tony Dungy has joined Packer and Nantz to talk about the game. After ten seconds, he realizes Packer is gay and that he hates him.
13:42--McKenzie hits a runner in the lane to cut it to 32-30 Illinois. Feed McKenzie, Tubby! Feed him!
11:58--Tied at 32 as Williams (?) hits a jumper from the free throw line. Dungy says that the Gopher defense is the reason for the 'comeback'. Yes, thats probably it....not that Illinois is one of the worst ten offensive teams in the country. Stick to blowing playoff games and hating gays, Tony.
(Can someone explain these AT&T commercials with the guy doing the Harry Caray impression? Why Harry Caray? What does he have to do with my phone service? Also, its not exactly topical--he died ten fucking years ago. Plus, the impression sucks. A buddy of mine in college did a better Harry impression, and he's a damn IT consultant now.)
10:08--Its till 32-32. Seriously.
9:24--McCamey heard me complaining....nails a three to make it 37-32 Illinois. While I'm typing, Brock hits a jumper in transition for the Illini and I'm losing by a point.
8:14--McKenzie AGAIN!!!! You can't stop him, you can only......well, you can probably stop him if you try really hard. Well, not really hard. Just get a hand in his face.
6:55--The two teams have 8 field goals and 9 turnovers in the second half. What am I doing watching this?
6:00--Illinois by 4. This is about the 6th commercial break in the last 4 minutes. I click over and see Clemson up 5 over Duke with a minute left. Dickie V and Mike Patrick announce they are starting a petition saying that if Clemson wins, the game doesn't count.
4:22--Its obvious that the Gophers have absolutely no one on offensive. Outside of McKenzie's three crazy shots, they have 6 points in the second half.
(Also, Clemson has beaten Duke to advance to the ACC Championship against a team--North Carolina--they haven't beaten since the early 80s. Stacey Dales does an interview with some Tiger and immediately shows she is pushing Erin Andrews for sideline reporting supremacy.)
2:32--Brian Randle hits a layup to make it 50-40 Illinois. I might be done, unless the Illini go back to the team that can't hit a free throw to save their lives down the stretch.
1:37--Minnesota's Nolen hits a layup and gets fouled, but misses the free throw......fucking Illinois is supposed to be the team that misses key free throws.
1:17--Nolen hits 2 free throws. Also, I learn McKenzie's first name is Lawrence. 52-46 Illinois.
:52--Meachem misses a free throw, Minnesota gets the rebound--and promptly dribbles the ball of the foot of an Illinois player. The Illini get the loose ball and get fouled again. Kill me.
:39--The Illini continue to foul the Gophers as if they have money on their opponents. So I got that going for me. 53-47 Illinois.
:20--After Chester Frazier hits one of two for the Illini, some white dude on Minnesota who I haven't seen in the game all day hits a three for the Gophers. 54-50 Illinois. I'm up 2. I'm almost positive Illinois will end up winning this game by 7 or 8 at this point.
:15--Illinois inbounds the ball to Brock and he dribbles it off his foot out of bounds. What athleticism. Minnesota inbounds the ball, puts up a shot, misses, and Brock rebounds the ball and simultaneously gets punched in the face, falling to the ground. The refs take about five minutes to determine that its neither a foul or a travelling violation. Illinois ball. All righty. This game is truly a shining example of how James Naismith dreamed it up.
(Now, the refs are saying there should be 4.8 seconds on the clock, even though replays show Brock hit the ground and the ref blow his whistle with 7.4 left. Whatever.)
4.8--After all that, Illinois inbounds the ball and the Gophers fail to foul. Illinois runs out the clock and wins 54-50. I win!!!

Folks, when this Illinois team make your conference's final, you have a shitty conference. Hope you had fun. At least I made 50 bones while watching this piece of garbage.

Me too, Vince. Today's FHC is dedicated to those women around the world with nice, round asses.  And to the ones with cute, little bubble butts. I like 'em all.

**--Mayra Veronica
**--Vida Guerra
**--Kim Kardashian
**--Sophia Castello (NSFW)
**--Kate Hudson
**--Old School Jennifer Lopez
**--Kate Beckinsale
**--Jessica Biel

I'm sure I missed some. I could of put up about 20 more porn stars with nice asses, but I don't want to attract the wrong element* to this fine, upstanding website.

(*--This refers to the feds; not perverts--those are my people.)

Reports are surfacing that the head coach of Chicago's WNBA team resigned from his post this week amid complaints of sexual harassment by at least one of the team's players.

The team's website lists pictures of the members of the team. Out of the 12 ladies listed, I'd sexually harass 2. Maybe 3. And I'm a known pervert.

(Apparently, the girl in the picture is Sky guard Claire Coggins, at least according to Intellectual Deritius)