"Recentemente, si sente spesso una parola fuoriuscita dai ristretti circoli culturali, che caricata di particolari significati sembra mobilitare due opposti schieramenti. Sto parlando del termine “relativismo”, che è difeso strenuamente da un eterogeneo gruppo di persone, contro una presunta “guerra” mossagli prevalentemente da ambienti religiosi e specificatamente cattolici. Per cercare di capirci qualcosa, è necessario innanzitutto fare un po’ di chiarezza concettuale.

Il relativismo può essere un principio metodologico per la ricerca scientifica, pienamente condivisibile, che impone di affrontare l’oggetto di studio senza preconcetti; oppure un principio etico che raccomanda la neutralità nei confronti delle varie idee, verità, culture ecc., tendendo però a scivolare verso un giudizio di valore: “tutte le idee, le verità, le culture… sono equivalenti”. In questo senso, il relativismo si presta a rivendicazioni anti-autoritarie e anti-gerarchiche, ma può essere usato anche dall’alto, pubblicizzato come neutrale riconoscimento delle differenze, per giustificare politiche segregazioniste o esclusiviste (a questo proposito vedi D. Cuche, La nozione di cultura nelle scienze sociali, il Mulino 2003, pp. 143-147). Un altro problema del relativismo etico è che può portare a una serie di forzature logiche, perché, spesso, affermare che tutte le presunte verità umane sono ugualmente verosimili coincide col ritenere che siano quasi false, o che non esista alcuna certezza. In filosofia, questa convinzione si traduce nella negazione di verità assolute in campo epistemologico."

Questo è un discorso viziato che nasce da un pregiudizio comune. Il relativismo non è che la percezione del dubbio che circonda l'universalità di ogni "verità". Se ogni "verità" fosse un faro, il relativismo corrisponderebbe all'incapacità di capire se la luce di quel faro sia visibile oltre la nebbia che l'avvolge. Alternativamente equivarrebbe a chiedersi se attorno a noi non vi siano degli altri fari la cui luce, oscurata dalla nebbia, non riesca a raggiungere i nostri occhi. L'approccio metodologico al relativismo non è unico, le sue conseguenze non sono scontate. C'è chi sceglie di abbattere il faro, chi decide di ignorare la sua ignoranza e di costruirsi la casa attorno al faro, chi, con o senza bussola, lascia il faro e si avventura in mezzo alla nebbia senza sapere bene dove va e cosa l'attende. Ancora una volta occorre sfatare un mito: il relativismo non preclude in alcun modo la possibilità di formulare giudizi. Tutto ciò che implica è il dubbio sull'universalità di quei giudizi. "Verità" e giudizi non possono essere scissi dal loro contesto, valgono per il mondo attorno al faro. Oltre non è dato di sapere.
La pretestuosa distinzione tra relativismo "scientifico" e "etico" nasconde, poi, la volontà di porre l'etica al di fuori di un ragionamento scientifico. Questa è un'operazione perfettamente lecita (e forse anche sensata) che però colloca l'etica in quella buia terra di nessuno in cui le tesi sono tutte equivalenti, perché il modo con cui queste seguono dalle ipotesi non può essere scientificamente verificato. Non c'è nulla di male ad intraprendere questa via, anche se non guasta essere consapevoli che, lungo il percorso, il vento è così forte che le parole, che lasciano la nostra bocca, di rado raggiungono le orecchie di chi percorre strade alternative e viceversa. In questa terra oscura, affastellare spiegazioni, segnali per chi segue, è un esercizio vano, perché tutto può essere disperso o male interpretato.

"Il “relativismo” di cui si sente parlare oggi, da parte di giornalisti, politici e religiosi, spesso è un concetto piuttosto confuso, ma che generalmente propende per l’accezione etica e il giudizio di valore. La sua base teorica è molto varia, oltre che vaga, includendo Protagora e lo scetticismo (a sua volta ampiamente frainteso), Galileo e le acquisizioni degli antropologi culturali (che però tendono a relativizzare il relativismo culturale, affiancandogli secondariamente l’etnocentrismo), il Teorema di Incompletezza di Gödel (1931) ecc. Tuttavia, il suo vero pilastro sembra essere la Teoria della Relatività di Einstein (1905) – vedi l’articolo di Furio Colombo su “Diario”, n. 26 anno X, intitolato Il diavolo relativista –. Ma le cose stanno veramente così?"

Il relativismo come già più volte ripetuto è la naturale incertezza sulla valenza globale delle nostre convinzioni locali. E' l'ammissione della nostra ignoranza che non necessariamente significa rassegnazione perché ignoriamo anche se ignoreremo. Il relativismo è antico quanto il pensiero, semplice quanto il dubbio. Occorre distinguere la sorgente dal fiume.

"La Teoria della Relatività non è una teoria della conoscenza, bensì una teoria scientifica, nata per cercare di superare le contraddizioni tra la teoria dell’elettromagnetismo di Maxwell e il precedente quadro meccanicistico. Einstein ipotizza che non esiste un “moto” assoluto, così come non esistono un “tempo” e uno “spazio” assoluti, ovvero, questi concetti sono “relativi”.

Da qui a sostenere che tutti i concetti siano relativi, però, c’è un salto logico inaccettabile. Inoltre, si potrebbe anche essere d’accordo sul fatto che tutte le verità umane siano relative, ma questo ancora non significherebbe negare l’esistenza di principi sempre veri."

Il relativismo non nega affatto la possibilità dell'esistenza di principi sempre veri. Dubita semmai della possibilità di provare inequivocabilmente che questi siano sempre veri. E se non possono essere provati o verificati universalmente, che piaccia o no, non sono universali. Non valgono a priori oltre la nebbia. Non sono necessari od insostituibili. Il relativismo può essere visto come una sorta di meccanismo di autodifesa del pensiero: propagando il dubbio, la porta resta sempre aperta e la morte lontana.

"Sicuramente, Einstein non ha mai voluto sostenere ciò.

Colombo ritiene che il relativismo sia il fondamento della scienza e dei diritti umani, e sostiene che « al centro di tutto ciò che è cultura e scienza contemporanea sta la celebre affermazione di Einstein nella conferenza di Berlino del 1921: “Nella misura in cui sono certe non si riferiscono alla realtà” ». Stando a questa citazione, la frase che costituirebbe il fondamento della cultura e della scienza contemporanee sarebbe priva di soggetto, ma non è così, ed è probabile che sia stato omesso deliberatamente. Einstein, infatti, non si riferiva a un termine generale del tipo “tutte le convinzioni”, come lascia intendere Colombo, ma semplicemente alle « leggi della matematica », che « nella misura in cui si riferiscono alla realtà non sono certe. E nella misura in cui sono certe, non si riferiscono alla realtà ». Einstein intendeva dire che la matematica ha dei limiti nel descrivere la realtà, e da ciò deriva per gli scienziati la difficoltà di formalizzare ragionamenti che siano non solo validi, perché coerenti al loro interno, ma anche in grado di rendere conto dei fenomeni conosciuti. Continua Colombo: « Al centro di tutto ciò che è libertà e democrazia sta il fondamento irrinunciabile che nessuna verità è più verità di un’altra, che nella vita politica che (sic!) non si possono travalicare e sottomettere i diritti di una persona, che nessuna legge è voluta da Dio ». A parte la condivisibile ma ambigua affermazione sui diritti (quali diritti?, e anch’essi “relativi”?), però, questo non è il pensiero di Einstein, secondo cui « Dio non gioca a dadi con il mondo ».

Einstein era convinto che esistessero principi sempre veri, per così dire stabiliti da Dio, anche se sosteneva che lui li avrebbe concepiti meglio. Il compito degli scienziati è cercare di esprimerli attraverso leggi non dogmatiche, da ricercare e verificare sulla base delle mutevoli conoscenze. Inoltre, Einstein riteneva che fosse possibile unificare tutte le forze della natura in un solo principio, e a questo fine si è indirizzata la maggior parte delle sue ricerche, dalla Relatività Generale alla Teoria dei Campi Unificati. Era così convinto dell’intrinseca razionalità del mondo da opporsi strenuamente all’impostazione probabilistica della meccanica quantistica, che pure aveva contribuito a fondare."

Idolatrare un uomo non giova alla sua memoria. Il principio di autorità non è un criterio valido per la prova di qualunque tesi. Chi lo sfrutta, fa solo propaganda. Chi lo subisce, prende a noleggio il cervello altrui. La validità di una tesi non dipende infatti in alcun modo dai nomi di coloro che l'hanno partorita.

"La scienza moderna, d’altronde, dal principio di indeterminazione di Heisenberg (1927) in poi, ha riconosciuto semplicemente che la possibilità di conoscenza umana, nel campo teorico, ha dei limiti, ma questo non corrisponde ad affermare che, alla base del sapere, al principio di causalità si sia sostituito quello di casualità, come molti hanno frainteso, al punto da concludere che non esistono certezze, o che l’universo è governato dal caos."

Il principio di indeterminazione nulla aggiunge e nulla toglie alla nostra  ignoranza originaria. Aggiungere o sottrarre un'indeterminazione ad un dubbio non elimina il dubbio. Non basta che l'universo non sia governato globalmente dal caos per poter provare l'universalità di una verità.

"L’incertezza sull’esistenza di principi sicuri, in ogni caso, non può esimere l’uomo dal ricercare la verità. Se accettiamo l’affermazione attribuita ad Einstein, secondo cui la vera libertà è la conoscenza razionale dei vincoli, allora, con la consapevolezza che non esistono osservatori imparziali, liberi da condizionamenti, possiamo stabilire con sicurezza che il metodo migliore per indagare la verità (per chi non la riconosca rivelata da Gesù e insegnata dalla Chiesa) sia il confronto dialettico del maggior numero di opinioni diverse. Risulta evidente che ciò è l’esatto contrario dello sterile relativismo etico, che ponendo teoricamente tutti sullo stesso piano, di fatto impedisce un vero confronto."

Questo discorso è evidentemente risibile. Comincia con l'affermazione del dubbio sull'esistenza di principi sicuri, affermando in maniera condivisibile che questa non può esimere l'uomo dalla ricerca di risposte. Poi dopo una breve citazione della costruzione dogmatica di Einstein che è la negazione del dubbio di partenza, afferma, con un'altra capriola, che la consapevolezza dell'incertezza permette di stabilire, senza il minimo dubbio, il metodo migliore per indagare quel principio unico e sicuro della cui esistenza in origine si dubitava. Questo a patto che non si aderisca agli insegnamenti della chiesa, nel qual caso la verità può anche non essere indagata, con buona pace della lode iniziale alla ricerca della verità. Come dire armiamoci tutti, partano i non cristiani. Infine per concludere in bellezza si afferma che il relativismo, ponendo tutto sullo stesso piano, impedisce il confronto, mentre ritenere una sola idea giusta e tutte le altre sbagliate lo alimenta. Come dire la vera democrazia si realizza quando il re comanda ed il popolo schiavo obbedisce e muore: dopotutto se questo è quello che il popolo vuole...

"Resta quindi da chiarire come mai Colombo si sia impegnato tanto nella difesa di un principio così equivoco, al punto da mistificare la verità, o comunque da interpretare liberamente e con superficialità una teoria scientifica. A mio modo di vedere, questo atteggiamento, in realtà piuttosto comune, può essere spiegato riconducendolo alla crisi delle ideologie del mondo contemporaneo. Verosimilmente, molti intellettuali disorientati hanno aderito incondizionatamente a un relativismo assoluto in alternativa all’accettazione della perdita di ogni riferimento, o al riconoscimento di aver creduto in un’idea “sbagliata”. “Relativismo assoluto”, però, è una contraddizione in termini, e infatti per loro il relativismo è diventato l’ultima certezza di fede, l’ultimo idolo. Si capisce quindi il motivo degli attacchi violenti e sistematici alle verità delle religioni (in particolare di quella cattolica), perché non solo esistono da secoli come alternativa alle ideologie sia di destra che di sinistra, ma essendo ritenute rivelate da Dio, sfuggono all’ambito del relativismo, che riguarda le presunte verità umane."

Ancora una volta il ritornello del "relativismo assoluto", della "dittatura del relativismo", del "tutto è relativo tranne che tutto è relativo". Paradossi in termini che però esprimono a fondo le insicurezze, la paura dell'incerto e dell'ignoto che contraddistinguono chi li usa per denigrare il relativismo. Meglio inventarsi una casetta fatata, illudersi, affogare la mente nell'ipocrisia, credere superstiziosamente di conoscere e poter conoscere un tutto falso e artefatto, che confrontarsi con il profondo disagio che generano le domande senza risposta e la constatazione paradossale che "l'unica certezza è il dubbio".

"Così facendo, però, quegli intellettuali hanno deliberatamente rinunciato alla loro libertà e alla ricerca, contribuendo al languore della cultura contemporanea e giustificando indirettamente il disimpegno e il qualunquismo, che sono le vere basi “ideologiche” e “culturali” del sistema consumistico-capitalistico."

Oppure il relativismo potrebbe essere l'ultima strega da bruciare sul rogo. La più recente di una lunga serie di minacce per un controllo medievale che anche nell'età moderna è piuttosto duro a morire. Un modo per colpire ancora una volta l'eterno nemico: il dubbio.

"« Il Kitsch è la stazione di passaggio tra l’essere e l’oblio », scriveva Kundera ne L’insostenibile leggerezza dell’essere. Che cosa resta di Albert Einstein? Alcune frasi celebri, come quelle che ho citato in questo articolo, diverse teorie scientifiche, ma per molti solo un ometto con la pipa e i capelli arruffati che dice: “Tutto è relativo!”. Povero Einstein: la sua teoria più famosa, chiamata Relatività, confusa con un ambiguo relativismo e usata per sostenere l’esatto contrario del suo pensiero!… Eppure, lui non se ne sarebbe stupito più di tanto. « Due cose sono infinite – diceva –: l’universo e la stupidità umana… »."

Quest'ultima frase, se ce ne fosse stato bisogno, la dice lunga sulla stupidità insita nell'applicazione del principio di autorità: dove sta infatti la prova del fatto che l'universo non ha fine? Le frasi dette da Einstein non sono a priori (e qui nemmeno a posteriori) migliori di quelle di qualunque altro mediocre uomo. In questo caso specifico sono solo quelle di un uomo sconsiderato, che afferma arrogantemente ciò che non sa. Se ha sparato a caso sull'universo, chi ci assicura che non abbia fatto lo stesso con la "stupidità" umana? O forse, tesi più ardita, ha voluto giustificare la seconda affermazione, con la prima?

"In effetti, anche se non lo è, l’uomo corre sempre il rischio di sembrare stupido, o di venire frainteso, in particolare quando cerca di interpretare le teorie scientifiche o le leggi dell’universo, e di comunicare agli altri le sue idee.

Per fortuna, la paura non è mai riuscita a soffocare l’insopprimibile desiderio umano della verità, che nella tradizione della scienza potrebbe essere raggiunta, o almeno intuita, solo mettendo insieme le verità limitate, e quindi “relative”, delle varie persone, a patto di ricercare sempre, come insegna Einstein, l’unità."

Spesso non fu la paura di sembrare stupidi o quella di essere fraintesi, ma la paura delle persecuzioni derivanti dal fatto di violare le sacrosante "verità" di fede (vedi le scottanti paure di Galileo che osò sostenere tesi eretiche ma che fu probabilmente frainteso).

[...]E fu così che Dio cacciò Adamo ed Eva dal paradiso terrestre per non aver mangiato la mela dell'albero della conoscenza.[...]

Okay guys here is the info on this voicemail. One of my friend's from work and her friend were out one night in the SF Marina district and were hanging outside of the bars trying to find a cab. One of the girl's, Olga ends up meeting this guy Dmitri and they talk for at the most 2 minutes. She hands him her business card and says call me.

Well attached is the actual voicemail that this guy left her. Wait till you hear it you will be laughing so hard you'll fall out of your chair.

From EyeWeekly.com

In the summer of 2004, a newly single professional in his early forties wanted to sleep with as many women as possible. Sex being above all other considerations — time, money, shame — he took on the persona “Dimitri the Lover” and drafted a general sexual proposition for any “attractive, intelligent woman” who happened to read it. He printed a few thousand posters and hired a postering company. Together they placed them all over the city, from family-oriented neighbourhoods like the Beaches (where mothers’ groups ripped them down en masse) to York University campus (which alerted the police).

“I got dozens of responses. Dozens. And fucked maybe 20 women, something like that. Not a lot,” Dimitri tells me. Of course, most people who saw the poster thought it was a joke. I did, until Dimitri hit on me in Starbucks two years later. I was taken aback, mostly because of the way he looked: tall and broad-shouldered, with dark, gelled-back hair. A stranger on the street might nickname him “Dimitri the Lover” as a joke.

More on Dimitri the Douchebag

The station offers the parody song, "Scottsdale Bars" by the Blobots for download. Videomakers then download the song, set it to video, and upload it to enter the contest. More info. from the station.

BE THE BLOBOTS!!!
Do you know any Douches’ that hang out at the Scottsdale Bars? Are you a Douche yourself, or can do a good impersonation of one? Do you own a video camera? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions then pay attention!

The Blobots need YOUR help to make a video that does the #1 song in Phoenix justice. Email us your video Youtube link, slideshow or “live performances” to: webmaster@theedge1039.com and then check back to see how your interpretation stacks up against the other Affliction wearing, BMW driving, frosted tips Douches’. (no offense)

You can win free stuff from The Edge and the Blobots just for submitting, but more importantly YOUR video could be proudly presented as the OFFICAL music video of the Blobots “

If this video doesn't end up as the winner, I can't imagine what will. Hilarity.

An age of acceptance and tolerance is upon us. I for one couldn't be happier for our orange-skinned brothers and sisters. And, hey, let's hear it for the young ladies accompanying our friends. Creamsicle-love was once a social taboo, but that won't stop these trailblazing F.O.O.L.S.

Please excuse the lack of smiles on faces of the young people above.  If you'd experienced even a sliver of the discrimination they had, you'd be hard pressed to smile, especially if you're the Oompa Loompas as the contrast between their face and teeth usually draws unwanted attention.

As we mentioned in our story about Oompa Loompas being allowed to attend a high school prom, Oompa Loompas everywhere are riding a wave of enthusiasm and hope as society's barriers continue to fall for the once maligned orange-skinned people. Excitement was in the air as the nation's first chapter of F.O.O.L.S (Friends of Oompa Loompas Society) had its opening meeting last night at (name withheld by request of owner), a local restaurant in New York City. While turnout did not meet expectations, F.O.O.L.S president and charter member, Jessica Scrote de Amor, said she was pleased that a restaurant agreed to host the event.

"The fact that (name withheld by request of owner) proudly hosted this event shows how far we Oompa Loompas have come. Considering the discrimination we've faced in the past, the treatment we've received here shows that more and more people are becoming F.O.O.L.S."

John D. Bag, pictured above, wasn't as enthusiastic about the meeting, eventually admitting that he and his girlfriend, pictured above, opposite John, had literally, stumbled upon the F.O.O.L.S. meeting.

"Dude, we were drunk off our asses that night. We heard this high-pitched voice singing Nickelback in the back room," Bag said. He continued, "We walked in thinking we could do some karaoke and hit a helium tank. Out of nowhere this orange freak comes at us, snapping pictures. We tried to get away, but she offered us chocolate and candy to pose for pictures with us. I eventually figured out she was an Oompa Loompa. Those freaks scare me, man."

Thanks to our friends at HotChickswithDouchebags.com for providing us with this news tip.

From our friends at HotChicksWithDouchebags.com, here's the winner of Douchebag of the Week. Read all about The Metaphysical Hooligan

Last week, we examined Mac Heads. But this week, we meet Italians (Pizzaus Boyus).

1. Description

The Italian can be recognized easily for their angry scowls, formed from years of getting unreasonably upset over small misunderstandings [see Fig 1.1]

Italians can also be identified for their dark hair, large puffy noses, and obesity from carbohydrate-specific diets. [illustrated in Fig 1.2].

Other common traits of Italians include unrelentingly ugly faces, combing their hair with carburetor grease, large-breasted women, hair in inappropriate places, tanned skin from African bloodlines, and notoriously blank facial expressions [pictured in Fig 1.3].

2. Habitat

New York City, New Jersey, Boston, Philadelphia, Miami, Chicago, and any city with restaurants having a name ending in a vowel [pictured below in Fig 2.1].

3. Hobbies

When Italians are not being hot-heads, they can be found slavishly believing in everything the Pope says, loan sharking, being born degenerates, loving Frank Sinatra, being controlled by the Mob, and using frantic hand gestures to express themselves [see Fig 3.1].

Other common hobbies of Italians include being closed-minded, being janitors, working in labor unions, being cowardly fighters, only eating foods made of tomatoes and dough and noodles, and working in the service industry [pictured in Fig 3.2].

4. How to Approach Them

Now that you’ve met the Italians, feel free to say Hi when you see one. But be warned, Italians will be hostile at first. It is customary for them to angrily ask if you're talking to them at least 2-3 times.

So when approaching them, be sure to wear a New York Yankees jersey and make a point to state how Rocky Marciano was the greatest boxer of all time.

After that, Italians should warm right up to you.

5. Fun Facts

It takes 4 Italians to change a light bulb. 1 to change the bulb and 3 to bury the guy they just killed to get the job.

STUMBLE THIS

]]> http://wirliebenfussball.wordpress.com/?p=35 Fri, 13 Jun 2008 20:04:05 +0000 wirliebenfussball http://wirliebenfussball.wordpress.com/?p=35 Warum? Warum bekommt man nach jeder ZDF Übertragung diese überaus unwitzige *hust* Comedy-Show serviert? Schlecht. Schlechter. Nachgetreten.
Die einzigen die getreten gehören, sind das ZDF und die Ansammlung von Möchtegern-Comedians in dieser Show.

Ingolf Lück, welcher wohl nach "Wochenshow" nie wieder witzig war, sitzt an seinem Tisch. Als Moderator scheinbar. Ihm gegenüber die *hust* "Creme de la creme" der deutschen Comedy. Mirja Boes, Mike "Ich war noch nie witzig" Krüger, Guido "Eine schlechte Show nach der anderen" Kanz und ein paar mehr oder weniger, wahrscheinlich nur unter Kölner Karnevalsfreaks bekannte, Witzigtuer. Horror. Ein flacher Witz nach dem anderen. Klischee nach Klischee. Polen. Schweden. Sogar Deutschland. Es scheint so, als wenn die sonst nur nach Drehbüchern und vorgeschrieben Texten arbeitenden Comedians, einfach völlig überfordert sind mit dem spontanen Witzigsein. Ach. Oliver Welke (Genau. Der Sportmoderator der irgendwann mit Comedy angefangen hat und irgendwie noch nicht begriffen hat, dass das einfach nicht sein Ding ist.) gibt es sogar zu und spricht davon, dass ihm im Nachhinein Witze einfallen und er sich dann darüber ärgert. Aha. Toll. Dann bleib doch einfach zu Hause. Bleibt doch einfach alle zu Hause.

Hier mal eine Liste der beteiligten "Comedians" (Ja. Wir stellen die jetzt alle an den Pranger.):

Ingolf Lück, Oliver Welke, Guido Cantz, Gabi Decker, Kim Fischer, Dr. Eckhart von Hirschhausen, Johann König, Matze Knop, Mike Krüger, Janine Kunze, Hans Werner Olm, Ingo Oschmann, Martin Schneider, Bernd Stelter

Das sind nicht alle? Ähm. Ja und? Störts einen, dass wir die Deppenfraktion nicht vollständig da haben? Ich glaube nicht. Einige von denen sind vieleicht alleine ab und zu mal ganz witzig, aber wenn sie spontan Witze reißen müssen, dann kacken *sorry* sie mal so richtig ab.

Das schlimme daran ist, dass diese Sendung von unseren Gebühren (Okay. Von den meisten von uns.) bezahlt wird. Irgendwie traurig. 40 Minuten lang schmeißt das ZDF die Moneten raus. Was denken die sich dabei? Das findet wirklich kein Mensch witzig. Keiner. Selbst die anwesenden Zuschauer haben nach ungefähr 30 Minuten keinen Bock mehr so zu tun, als ob die Z-Promis witzig wären.

Dann tue ich mir lieber Waldis EM Club an. Sicher auch nicht die Spitze der Unterhaltung. Aber keine gezwungene Komik. Ab und zu ein paar Experten. Waldi. Oli Pocher in seinen Paraderollen als Oli Kahn, Mark van Bommel oder Lukas Podolski. Damit kann man sich wenigstens etwas beschallen lassen.

Was ich vorschlage? Kann man sich beim ZDF beschweren? Sollen die doch die Scheiße am besten aus dem Programm schmeißen und dann lieber noch 40 Minuten bei Kerner, Klopp und Meier am See bleiben. Die Konstellation hat alleine mehr Witz, als alle "Nachgetreten"-Sendungen zusammen.

Naja. Heute Abend wünscht "Wir lieben Fußball" euch gute Unterhaltung bei Waldis EM Club und ohne "Nachgetreten".

Diese Kritik wurde euch präsentiert von Dein Fußball T-Shirt

1. What may appear obvious to you and I, will probably take these 6 young ladies years to realize.

2. Stretch Chevy seats 12 plus a still.

3. No face, no taste.

4. I know I've been married for awhile when I notice how nobody matches before I spot the Confederate flag.

5. Now this is a very, very important specimen. It would seem that we have achieved successful cross-breeding between a guido and a redneck. This has happened before in specific environments; prison, the Army, but it is very rare in regular society. This certainly demands follow-up.

6. I'm guessing her family recently won the lottery or finally received a cash settlement from that highly questionable accident which cost her momma her pinky.

Last week, we examined the Gays. But this week, we meet Mac Heads (Appleus Fanboyus).

1. Description

The Mac Head can be most easily spotted for their distinctive fanboy smugness, derived from years of bragging about Apple products [see Fig 1.1].

Mac Heads are also known for being horribly unattractive, possessing foul body odor, being overweight, and having IQs bordering retardation [pictured below in Fig 1.2].

Other common traits of the Mac Head include a famously inadequate sexual prowess and noticeably muscular hands from masturbating to the thought of iPhone 2.0 [illustrated in Fig 1.3].

2. Habitat

When not camping out in lines waiting for new Apple products, the Mac Head can be found knelt down at the temple of Steve Jobs (for spiritual and carnal reasons) [as shown in Fig 2.1] .

The Mac Head is also known to be spotted at their mecca (now with over 74 locations nationwide) [seen below 2.2].

3. Hobbies

Among the most popular hobbies of the Mac Head include having an obsession with Apple products, spending all their time reciting facts about why Macs are better than PCs even though they're aware that Apple could give a shit about any of them, and having group orgies while thinking about iPhones... while waiting in lines to buy iPhones [see Fig 3.1]

Other common hobbies included continuously buying Apple's shoddy made-in-China products and mindlessly downloading iTunes when they could get the same song for free somewhere else [pictured in Fig 3.2].

4. How to Approach Them

Now that you’ve met the Mac Heads, don't be a stranger. And by don't be a stranger, I mean that you'll have to go to their mom's basement to meet them. So make sure to bring lots of snack cakes and a bootleg of Steve Jobs' MacWorld keynote speech.

After that, the Mac Head will warm right up to you.

5. Fun Facts

It takes 5 Mac Heads to change a light bulb. 1 to change the light, and 4 to get together in small groups to gab about their favorite parts.

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**Editor's note** We'd love to feature some redneck stuff here, too. We ran a Oompa-Loompa (guido) feature last week, but we'd love to move the focus to our fine southern friends. If you have a link drop us a a line, or leave a comment and we'll get back to you.

Feel free to submit your own captions in the Comment section.

1. Earth, Water, and Fire-the actual elements, not the band.

2. This one befuddles me.

3. Part bikini, part beach umbrella, all good.

4. An example of what happens when you pay $5k for your rims and tires; unable to pay for your date's dress....well, all of it at least.

5. Somewhere a stripped-down living room set sits alone.

6. NBA players relegated to attending high school proms to avoid violence/arrest.

7. One of the least obvious elements to this picture is the mismatching of athletic sneakers with formal-wear. For shame!

8. Flaunt them while you can, I suppose.

9. This is not "The Answer" to any question.

10. For the fashionable, yet pregnant, high school prom guest.

11. While vinyl shower curtains will certainly deflect punch, I doubt it breathes.

12. She wanted a "safe" date, he wanted someone to try his latest design. Everybody wins.

13. Bad fashion sense knows no color barriers.

14. Umm....uh.....<shudders>

15. Inspired by Ice Cube's "Ghetto Bird" from his album, "Lethal Injection"

Best Family flick of all times' .. the Oscar winning Italian movie “La Vita e bella”, translated into English as “Life is Beautiful”. Roberto Benigni masterpiece ageless classic !!

There is something about this movie, which would make an ordinary person smile, amidst flowing tears - the world’s only “comic tragedy”. That is the kind of magic the movie weaves. The story is simple; it’s about an ordinary Jew book-keeper Guido, who along with his son Joshua (the English pronunciation) and wife Dora, was taken to the dreaded German concentration camps during the fag end of the Second World War.

The plot, set up against one of the darkest episodes of human tragedy, seemed to utter in a fresh lease of hope into everyone’s life.

 In the movie Guido was never for once let his son realize the perilous and uncertain future they are thrown into; but instead makes him believe that their entire ‘stay’ in those Nazi camps were a part of a great game they were playing and at the end of which he would be getting a fantastic prize. Guido’s imaginary world not only kept his child happy and spirited even in those troubled times, but also gave many of his co-prisoners hope, when there was none.  The movie is all about how laughter and humor can keep you going when everything else seems to have failed you. And it tells you that it is your perception of life which will make your world better or worse for you. Life is indeed very beautiful, at least as long as you want to be!

Great movie to watch with your wife and kid. Or when you are totally alone.

Per vedere le foto CLICCATE QUA

Singing in in unison with very high-pitched voices, "We shall overcome, we shall overcome." It is truly a great day for oompa loompas everywhere!

The above gentle..."men?" can be found on Guidofistpump.com a hilarious website all about Guidos.

**(Editor's Note) We frequently highlight douchebags here. To clear up any confusion, it's important to note that the label douchebag is a sort of umbrella term. All Guidos are douchebags, yes, but not all douchebags are guidos. We apologize for any confusion we may have caused**

In case your'e not familiar with Guidos, check out a quick summary, which can be found at UrbanDictionary.com.

A sad pathetic excuse for a male; not necessarily of Italian descent, but most likely; usually native to the New York/New Jersey Tri-State area.

WARDROBE: tight zipper shirts, tracksuits, designer jeans, fuzzy kangol hats, tiny hoop earrings, fake gold chains, and related Euro-trash garb and tacky cheese-wear.

NATURAL HABITAT: Known to frequent Tri-State area malls looking for club gear to waste their week's pay on (most likely spotted shopping at "Bang Bang" in Staten Island). During the day when not at their food delivery, telemarketting, or construction job, can be located at their local gym tanning or lifting weights. Can be found nightly at mainstream danceclubs they read about online (SF, Webster Hall, Etc.). Most notable for cruising the Jersey shore in an old car (Honda, Mustang, etc.) which has been tinted, painted and sports $1,000-$3,000 rims in a feeble attempt to look like new. Guido cars usually have a boomin' system through which cheesy music like freestyle, commercial club/trance and hip-hop (anything KTU plays) is loudly blasted.

PASSTIMES/RECREATIONAL ACTIVITIES: Guidos enjoy beating up a non-white or homosexual while assisted by a group of 5-10 guido friends backing them up; engaging in date rape; and displaying their lack of rhythm by dancing poorly in the middle of a club's dance floor while non-guidos look on in disbelief.

Here's a video summary that should bring you up to speed as well. NSFW language.

And, here's some authentic Guido dancing. I believe it's a dance to Spikeura, god of hairgel/roofies.

Last week, we met the John McCain. But this week, we examine the Gays (Fashionus Fruitus).

1. Description

The Gays come in many shapes and sizes, but they can be recognized for their 4 distinctive types: Leather [Fig 1.1],

Bewitched [Fig 1.2],

Ken Doll [Fig 1.3],

and Flame [Fig 1.4].

You’ll also recognize the Gays for always having their mouths open [see Fig 1.5 below].

2. Habitat

When the Gays are not in their native New York City and Los Angeles habitats (otherwise known as the land of fruits and nuts), they can be found in Metro areas, secluded public restrooms, and any place where princess costumes come in mens' sizes [pictured in Fig 2.1 below].

3. Hobbies

The Gays have many hobbies, among which include being Republican senators, producing network TV sitcoms, being obsessed with fashion, dressing models up like girlie dolls, being witty, marrying in California, smelling flowers, buying stuff they don't need, loving Justin Timberlake, and joining the priesthood to justify not dating [see Fig 3.1].

Other hobbies of the Gays are prancing, jazzercising, gelling their hair, being parent-failed penis lovers, designing fashion so that women think it's sexy for men to dress gayer, walking bow-legged, watching LOGO, playing with dandelions, and training exotic tigers [explored in Fig 3.2].

4. How to Approach Them

Now that you’ve met the Gays, don't be a stranger when you see them. However, be warned, Gays may be hostile at first, so do not approach them with a naked woman or a confederate flag.

After that the Gays should warm right up to you.

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Last week, we met Wegroes. But this week, we examine the John McCain (Maverickus Contradictus).

1. Description

The John McCain can be easily spotted for his distinctive oldness and ivory white hair [pictured in Fig 1.1].

You'll also recognize the John McCain for his decorative war medals [illustrated in Fig 1.2]

The John McCain is also known for its forced smile and bi-partisan thumbs up [see Fig 1.3]

2. Habitat

When the John McCain isn't vacationing in North Vietnam, he can be found in Washington D.C., the deserts of Arizona, and in bed with anyone who can help his political career [see Fig 2.1].

3. Hobbies

The John McCain has many hobbies, among which include trying to appear bi-partisan, using AARP coupons, being past the average life expectancy, receiving campaign finance from special interest groups then passing a campaign finance reform act, divorcing his wife after a paralyzing car accident, and not lifting his arms [pictured in Fig 3.1]

Other hobbies of the John McCain are voting to ban gay marriage, being a part of the Keating 5, taking Centrum Silver, undermining the Republican party, and contradicting himself while riding in the Straight Talk Express [see Fig 3.2].

4. How to Approach Them

Now that you’ve met the John McCain, why not say “Hi” when you see him? But be warned, the John McCain will be hostile at first, so do not approach him screaming Vietnamese.

So make sure you tell him he's an American hero and then offer to shine his Purple Heart, and the John McCain will warm right up to you.

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Greetings Earthlings!  It is time once again for another Preview Review, wherein I find the unlettered preview pages offered online for an upcoming comic (that I really have no intention of buying), and write a review of the issue based entirely on my perceptions of what is going on.

Today, we look at She-Hulk #31, from Peter David (writer) and Vincenzo Cucca and Barbara Ciardo (artists), with a cover by Mike Deodato.

So, how about that Deodato cover?

Background?  Who needs a background?!?  Give me a big blank space any day!  Why, all that extra "art" would only serve to detract from the focal point of this cover, which is She-Hulk swinging from that "L" above a group of her adoring fans.

(Maybe you didn't know, but in the Marvel Universe, Shulkie is, like, more popular than the Beatles.  Its true!)

Oh, and look!  Her fans all have green skin, pointy ears, and chin lines!  Gotta be Skrulls.  I can only take that to mean that this is yet another comic trapped in the vortex of Marvel's massively oppressive event, Secret Invasion.

You know, it makes sense that Shulkie would have a lot of Skrull guys as fans.  I mean, think about it.  You are a young Skrull guy, and while there may be a lot of attractive Skrull gals out there, they all have the same problem:  chin lines that give off an awfully "goatee"-esque vibe.  Not exactly the most appealing feature.

Enter Shulkie, with that green skin and smooth chin.  Yeah, boy!  Sure, her ears aren't pointy, but no one is perfect.

Hey!  I just realized who her fans are impersonating!  That's Jaime Madrox (Multiple Man), from X-Factor!  (Ha!  See, I don't ALWAYS have to be told who characters are!)  On a side note, X-Factor is the only X-Book I read... and if this means that this event is going to mess that up, I'll not be pleased.  Anyway, moving on.

Ooh, this preview, along with the cover and interior pages, also included a pin-up!  Shall we take a look?

By the Hoary Hosts of Hoggoth!  Shulkie's all manga-ized!  Oh, great.  That probably means that She-Hulk's new costume will be that of an Asian schoolgirl, she'll pick up some tiny, overly cute mythical creature as a companion, and before long, she'll be piloting some giant robot into battle.  Oh, and readers will be forced to read her book from right to left instead of left to right.

What is going on in that picture anyway?  Shulkie is just standing there, all posed, while cars seem to be flying apart behind her.  (Alas, I am vexed.  Should I lower myself to enter here the obvious flatulation joke?  Or should I rise above?)

I suppose Shulkie made a "run for the border" for lunch!

(Come on!  You knew it was coming.)

Alright, let's check out the first interior page:

Well, it looks like Shulkie is running toward some arthritic woman.  There's a lesson for you kids - don't crack your knuckles, or your hands will end up like that.

Bypassing another obvious gastrointestinal joke, did Shulkie recently get some sort of uncontrollable speed powers?  Look at that path of destruction in her wake!

Next page, please:

Okay, so the arthritic woman can fly.  She easily dodges the brute force, run-straight-at-her attack from Shulkie.  She-Hulk looks up at her, mouth open.  Arthritic Flying Girl crosses her arms all smug like, as if to say, "What, are you going to 'scream' me down?!?"

Suddenly, Arthritic Flying Girl is hit by... wait... is that She-Hulk's spit?  Open mouth, blast of liquid flying through the air... ew.  Well, I suppose if its in your arsenal you can use it.

Still... ew.

Let's move onto the next page and hope for less saliva.

Okay, so Arthritic Flying Girl realizes that she can... you know... "fly"... and gets out of the path of the flying drool.  And then we find out - oh, it wasn't spit!  Shulkie just destroyed a fire hydrant.  Now, that makes me feel better.  In fact, it relieves me so much I won't mention A.) the lack of background in this panel, and B.) the bizarre placement of the fire hydrant to Shulkie's crotch.

Arthritic Flying Girl is ticked at Shulkie.  She's got on her mean face and everything.  She flings herself at She-Hulk!  And, finally, what we all wait for in any manga/anime project - speedlines!

Wow, those little arthritic fists must be powerful.  I woulda thunk She-Hulk could take a punch from a girl that looks to be a third of her size.

On to the next page!

Ah, there we go.  Using the forward momentum of Arthritic Flying Girl and... the top panel line from the panel below as a fulcrum, She-Hulk flings her assailant into a car.

Poised to finish off Arthritic Flying Girl, Shulkie is distracted by an eclipse of the sun, which she stupidly turns around to look at.  Didn't anyone ever tell her that she would burn her retinas out doing that?

Let's see if she learned that lesson on the next page:

Oh, luckily, Strong Guy showed up to stop her from looking into the eclipse.  (Yeah, that's right - Strong Guy.  That's his super-hero name.  It was the early 1990's, okay?  Creativity was reduced to slapping pouches onto costumes, issuing heroes leather jackets, and giving them all mullets and a five-o'clock shadow.  So Guido... *sigh* yes, again, that is his real name... ended up with the moniker Strong Guy.  I suppose it could've been worse.  They could have gone with "White Ponytail And Creepy Goggle Guy.")

It does seem that Strong Guy was a little overzealous in averting Shulkie's eyes from the blinding powers of the eclipse.  He did so with enough gusto to not only crack the pavement, but to also create his own speedlines.

I wonder if She-Hulk will understand he was just too enthusiastic.  Let's take a look at the last page to find out:

Oh... well, she appears to be okay with it, just laying there in the rubble, smiling.

In the next panel, Strong Guy doesn't look too happy.  Oh, maybe Shulkie didn't say thank you.  That's probably it.  I mean, he did save her vision... seems that would warrant a little grati--!!!

Great Shades of America's Funniest Home Videos!!!  Holy cow... I guess She-Hulk didn't take kindly to the excessive helpfulness of Strong Guy.  Man... he is NOT going to be walking away from that anytime soon.  A guy doesn't recover from a shot like that very quickly.  What with the pain, the nausea, the headache, the seeing-stars, and the crying... I figure Strong Guy is down for a good hour, and walking delicately home after that.

What have we learned today?  She-Hulk may be fast enough that the vacuum that trails behind her is devastating, causing millions of dollars worth of damage, but she doesn't have any sort of super-spit abilities... that we know of.  Also, it is good to be helpful, but being too helpful can result in having ice your crotch for a while.

I give this comic 116,204 stars out of 197,385.  I liked the art despite the fact that the artists felt the need to include those pesky "backgrounds" in so many of the panels.

EG Out!

Last week, we met the Homeless. But this week, we examine White People Who Act Black, or Wegroes (Blackus Pretendus).

1. Description

The Wegro can be easily spotted for wearing expensive designer jeans that are a minimum of 40 full sizes too big for them, so that they drag on the ground like the train of a wedding gown [see Fig 1.1]

You'll also recognize a Wegro for his over-sized shirt made by FUBU [pictured in Fig 1.2]

In addition to the FUBU shirt, the Wegro is known universally for his angry sneer learned from years of mirror practicing, and chrome grill paid for by their parents' cosmetic dental plan [illustrated in Fig 1.3 below]

Other common traits of the Wegro include tattooes featuring tributes to fallen rappers or slogans of their favorite rapper (i.e. "thug life"), over-priced sneakers made in a sweatshop by an underage Chinese boy who made 2 cents a day to help the Wegro fit in with their materialistic social circles, and hats worn backwards or to the side (representing the most successful sports team at the moment).

2. Location

When Wegroes aren't in their parents' living room watching BET, they can be found in any suburb of America that surrounds an inner city [see picture 2.1]

3. Hobbies

Wegroes have many hobbies, among which include listening to hip hop, being hated by blacks for making a mockery of their culture, being despised by whites for trying to be something that they can never be, smoking pot, being the bi-products of a cultural crossover, and flashing gang signs of gangs they've not/never belonged to [see Fig 3.1].

Other hobbies of the Wegro are objectifying women, glorifying violence, mouth-breathing, having unprotected sex, and having Dr. Dre write and produce their songs so they can both make millions off the white-dominated Hip Hop audience [pictured below in Fig 3.2].

4. How to Approach Them

Now that you’ve seen who they are, why not say “Hi” when you see a Wegro? Although, a warning: the Wegro does not like to be approached. At first he might say, “Yo bitch, I'ma blow you" or "Step off, yo! I'ma f*** ya sista without rubbers. Word."

So be sure to wear something by Enyce or a New York Yankees hat, and definitely talk about how great Tupac Shakur was. The Wegro will then grip your hand and pull you into his chest. You're now brothers. It's one of their many friendly gestures.

5. Notable White People Who Act Black

Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park, and Insane Clown Posse

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Last week, we met the John Edwards. But this week, we examine the Homeless (Beardus Sparechangeus).

So let’s get to know them, shall we?

1. Description

The Homeless can be easily spotted for their unwashed skin and scraggly beards, reminiscent of the American Hippie, except their parents don't send them checks [see Fig 1.1]

The Homeless is also known for wearing your old clothes [pictured in Fig 1.2]

2. Location

The Homeless are invisible to the general public, so they can not be seen on the street corners, back alleys, and dumpsters of the inner cities of America [illustrated in Fig 2.1].

3. Hobbies

The Homeless have many hobbies, among which include not washing, having Vietnam war flashbacks, keeping urine in jars, being cared about only on Christmas and Thanksgiving, drinking brown-bagged wine, collecting bottles and cans when old Asian women don't beat them to it, being ignored by people who would rather save animals, and begging [as pictured in Fig 3.1].

4. How to Approach Them

Now that you've learned the habits of the Homeless, feel free to say "hi". But be warned when approaching them, because they will be hostile at first, and may even shake a used coffee cup at you. So be sure to bring spare change or a sandwich (nothing gourmet, however. The Homeless have adjusted their food standards after years of malnutrition).

Aside for that, the Homeless are very friendly creatures.

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