as children, he was loud and i was quiet; he was charming and i rebellious (with a little bit of a mean streak). as teenagers i remained rebellious and became very awkward and shy, while he was extroverted and flourished socially. in fact i never really grew out of my awkward self, but did grow up to be the more ambitious one. but for all the ambition he lacks, strangely enough he grew up the more confident of us. while he was the more openly opinionated, not to be left behind i was a know-it-all- the consequence of being too smart for my own good and being a direct byproduct of my father's incredibly stubborn nature which seems to inhabit all 3 of us kids.

when i look back, there's really no explanation to my socially retarded tendencies, especially coming from a family of noisy hispanics who love to congregate and try to one up one another with dancing and drinking each other under the table.

I guess we usually think it is whenever life for us seems hard, and it seems that other people have it easier than we do.  Or maybe we think their deal is more fulfilling.  I have some minister friends who made different choices than I did, and I can imagine how wonderful their life must be (either their ministry is bigger and thriving, or it's simpler and more peaceful).  Here's some scripture to meditate on that gets me thinking.

"For the kingdom of heaven is like a master of a house who went out early in the morning to hire laborers for his vineyard. After agreeing with the laborers for a denarius a day, he sent them into his vineyard. And going out about the third hour he saw others standing idle in the marketplace, and to them he said, 'You go into the vineyard too, and whatever is right I will give you.' So they went. Going out again about the sixth hour and the ninth hour, he did the same. And about the eleventh hour he went out and found others standing. And he said to them, 'Why do you stand here idle all day?' They said to him, 'Because no one has hired us.' He said to them, 'You go into the vineyard too.' And when evening came, the owner of the vineyard said to his foreman, 'Call the laborers and pay them their wages, beginning with the last, up to the first.' And when those hired about the eleventh hour came, each of them received a denarius. Now when those hired first came, they thought they would receive more, but each of them also received a denarius. And on receiving it they grumbled at the master of the house, saying, 'These last worked only one hour, and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the day and the scorching heat.' But he replied to one of them, 'Friend, I am doing you no wrong. Did you not agree with me for a denarius? Take what belongs to you and go. I choose to give to this last worker as I give to you. Am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me? Or do you begrudge my generosity?' So the last will be first, and the first last."
(Matthew 20:1-16)

The point of this pericope is the jealousy the early workers felt toward the late workers who got paid for a whole day's worth of work.  In their mind, they were treated unjustly because they worked longer.  Jesus teaches us not to begrudge his generosity. Here's how I'm applying this to greener grass:  Who would you rather be, one of the workers who had to start working early in the morning, or one who started late but got paid the same as the others?  Many would say that they would rather get to come late in the day and get paid for the full day.

Have you ever been out of work?  Have you ever worried and fretted about where the next meal is coming from?   The men who stood idle all day were out in the heat, without a job, wondering how they were going to feed their wife and kids.  Then, just as the heat is going, they get hired, probably calculating what they'll get paid for only one hour, also wondering what they will be able to buy to eat with so little.  I'm not so sure, when I think about it, that their deal was easier than the others.  I think I'd rather have to work all day, but know that I had the security of getting paid that day.

Never be envious of someone else's life.  You have no idea what they've had to live through, what struggles they've endured.  Every one of us has had suffering to go through.  Even Margaret Houlihan of MASH corrected BJ Hunnicut once: "How dare you think your brand of suffering is any worse than the rest of ours!"

Just relax, keep your eyes focused on Jesus, and walk in the shoes God gave you to walk in.  Nobody else's shoes will fit you.

And I do think about him... that guy... the one who moved away and took a new job, That guy out in the world doing his thing, probably never reading my blog. I'm sure everyone he works with loves him. I used to work with him... I liked his sense of humor. I also liked the way he walked into a room. I liked everything about him.

He wasn't The One Who Got Away. Or maybe he was. I didn't really try to keep him. I didn't cheat on my husband. But I would be stupid to lie and say I didn't think about it. Nothing happened but words. And attraction. It can be powerful. But it isn't everything. In retrospect, had we somehow "hooked up" I would have lost respect for us both. 

And I wouldn't still think of him like I do.

One reason I think of him is because he looked at the ring on my finger and drew the line right there. I didn't have to. He had honor. He respected me. That took my breath away almost as much as if he had laid one on me. He was always a gentleman. Not being in our 20s, maybe the benefit of experience helped. Once, he told me he had jumped out of too many windows.

The other reason I think about him is because of a few personal thoughts he shared with me, when we were getting to know each other. He wrote me, and he said something about "the universe of possible lives..."  It still brings up a feeling like I want to cry. I knew what he meant. If only we had met in a different time or place. I felt the same way. Exactly. I'm sure we all have many "possible lives" out there, but when do you look into the eyes of one?

I am left to wonder if I think of him because I romanticize things as time passes. Or because I am not at the happiest stage of my marriage. Being married doesn't keep me from having feelings. Or maybe it's because I'm at a crossroads in life. And I'm tired. Don't we all get tired of our life sometimes?

Is it the possible life, like the greener grass, that looks so good from here? Or is there something else to it? I wish I knew. Though in the bigger scheme of things, it probably doesn't matter. I can only hope he finds someone to love, and she holds onto him.

I would.