WEEK 11 CMRP: San Jose 69, LAS VEGAS 45.

WEEKEND PILLOW FIGHT: Arizona at Austin

If you're ever in LA, you owe it to yourself to check out the turtle racing at Brennan's Pub on Lincoln in Marina Del Rey. I guarantee you'd have a hell of a lot more fun watching turtles crawl around on a giant mat than watch McPherson-less Austin and Arizona exchange bitch-slaps.

The second installment in the Wiki-Worthy! series is a bit misleading: following extensive research on the Internets, it seems as though Chris "Bucky" Conlin, who served as a Line Coach for the Arizona Rattlers in at least 2000-2003, is not currently on the Arena Football map, contrary to his Wikipedia entry.

You know what? We don't care. This guy kicks ass, so we'll profile him anyway.

REASON #1 CHRIS "BUCKY" CONLIN KICKS ASS: Following five years in the NFL as an OT with the Dolphins and the Colts after being drafted in the 5th round in 1987, an "injury-plagued" Conlin moved on to the AFL. In '93 he played for the Miami Hooters. In '94, he played for the Massachusetts Marauders. In '95, he won an Arena Bowl title with the Tampa Bay Storm. Under prolific AFL QB Other Gruden. Fantastic.

REASON #2 CHRIS "BUCKY" CONLIN KICKS ASS: Although they lost in the final round of the playoffs to the Orlando Predators, who would go on to win the 2000 Arena Bowl, Conlin coached an Arizona line that was #1 in rushing defense and #2 in scoring defense. You read that right: this guy succeeded in making an AFL team play a little D.

REASON #3 CHRIS "BUCKY" CONLIN KICKS ASS: Welcome to the real reason we wrote this column.

Chris "Bucky" Conlin was an All American OT with the Penn State Nittany Lions in 1986.

1986. The season that Penn State became the national champs after beating the Miami "Thug U" Hurricanes in the 1987 Fiesta Bowl.

Bucky was putting up blocks for John Shaffer, the QB that proved you don't always need to be good enough to win, just good enough not to lose.

As fans of the Chicago Bears, we know that all too well.

By the way, in the movie of his life, Conlin will most likely be portrayed by a majorly-beefed-up Seann William Scott.

Twice in the last week, someone found us by searching for You asked for it, you got it, Toyota. Which, weirdly, we're 6th in the queue, behind the actual advertising quotes. I didn't expect anyone to be looking for that, but maybe they actually were quoting Forget Paris, in which case - I'm more sorry than I can express. The actual post in question? Headline joke in one of our early Power Rankings thinghies.

Also enjoyable? How to be a great quarterback. Good luck, young man (lady?), but to be clear: we have no idea. I'm less than 5'6", which sort of crippled those aspirations, and while I hesitate to impugn my co-editor,I'm sure he'll readily admit the only time he's a good quarterback is on the XBox [Co-editor's note: I blame poor play from this year's snow football games to throwing while wearing WR gloves, but in reality, I really don't stand much of a chance of matching the greatness of my Madden '07 rookie QB avatar, who was drafted by the Bills and single-handedly led them to the playoffs]. Also, we blog about the ARENA Football League. So, you're way off. (Clint Dolezel - the eventual destination of this search - excepted) But the idea of - let's pretend - Chet Lemon saying to himself "I want to be a great quarterback, but how? I know! I'll Google it!" and then running to his computer makes me giggle. 

does investment banks bet on football Hahahahahaha.

Kurt is my homeboy. How nice for you.

somebody I know played with the Hooters, ooh, really? We can talk about that, if we ever set up the It's Still Football tipline.

Some of the hits we've received from people searches make sense: Mike Adamle, Ricky Santos, David Carr, and Mike Golic, even Trey Wingo and Bootsy Collins are people we've mentioned. But Aaron Esurance? Is that the Esurance dude? Is it Aaron and Erin? That's even dumber than I originally thought those commercials were. Oh, but we did get a hit for Brett Basanez video. You're welcome, Coach Cameron. We know you're having trouble at quarterback.

As always, there are the mysterious jai-alai -yarn -savant searches that just defy all logic. How did you end up here? Yarn Savants? What are those? We did manage to mentionjai-alai briefly in one of my ramblings, so there's that...  Also, I want to know the end of this search: The reason the Barcelona Dragons wer. Were what? Hungry? Angry? Logy? Wearing Togas? Relocated? (I know the answer to that one - nobody outside Germany gives a crap about NFL Europa.)

Well, whatever the case may be, and whatever brought you, we certainly hope to continue to be your source for an angry bobcat, as well as for bootys.

Every now and again we'll take a look at our dashboard for It's Still Football and have a hearty laugh over the Googles totally psyching the shit out of you. Today, the Google search of "can you block extra point in Madden 2007" prompted the Fiz to tackle some of your non-AFL related queries.And to whoever wanted to know if you can block an extra point in Madden '07, you can, it's just more difficult than converting a field goal in the AFL.

VARIATIONS AND COMBINATIONS OF 'BRETT BASANEZ' 'DAVID CARR' and 'CAROLINA PANTHERS':It is true, the pride and joy of the Northwestern Wildcats (don't hate, historically we don't get much to brag about) QB Brett Basanez spent most of his rookie year on the scout team, but after the departure of Chris Weinke, Baz moved up, ready to take over for the Panthers should Jake bust his leg or get Guitar Hero wrist. Until, of course, Carolina signed Carr. TC elaborated on this transaction, wondering if either Carr or Basanez could end up in the AFL, where Matt Schaub is almost certain to end up after he gets murdered behind the Texan's O-Line (any one of these guys, by the way, would be stellar in the AFL). Although we don't really have any useful information on the transaction, this search is deemed CERTIFIED RELEVANT.

"ESPN2 2007 PAINTBALL SCHEDULE":Congratulations, you're officially a bigger tool than two guys writing a blog about the AFL for shits and giggles. Enjoy being a virgin and kicking ass in World of Warcraft. CERTIFIED IRRELEVANT.

"AUSTIN WRANGLERS SUCK": Yup, you pretty much nailed it, Googler. CERTIFIED RELEVANT.

"BOOTSY COLLINS CARICATURE": I'm pretty sure that someone inexplicably looking for an artist's rendering of the lead singer of Jefferson Airplane/Starship doesn't really want to know about a defunct Cincinnati AFL franchise from the early '90s. CERTIFIED IRRELEVANT.

"GUIDE TO PILLOW FIGHTS" + "PILLOW FIGHTS ESPN": That's hitting it pretty much right on the nose, like the guy that searched "AFL + Jokes + Investment + Bankers". And actually, if ESPN2 broadcast actual pillow fights, I think their ratings would greatly improve. CERTIFIED RELEVANT.

"MASSACUSETTS": Don't worry, we can't spell it either. CERTIFIED IRRELEVANT.

"EXCUSES TO LEAVE WORK EARLY": If you need to Google that, something tells me you're not really going to convince your boss to let you go. CERTIFIED IRRELEVANT.

1. (1 hit) "usfl"

2. (1 hit) "ricky santos"

The USFL, referenced in J Fizzle's inaugural post, was a mid-80's spring-summer professional football league that featured 2-point conversions and play challenges, both of which were adopted by the NFL. Although the post contains no actual information on the USFL, aside from its relative practicality compared to the AFL in that it was much similar to the ever-popular NFL, this search result is CERTIFIED RELEVANT.

Ricky Santos, the Walter Payton award-winning QB of Division II powerhouse New Hampshire, was referenced in our post about the AFL's new display in the Pro Football Hall of Fame as a possible future star of the AFL, but we suspect he's actually good enough to have a shot at playing in the NFL. This search result is also CERTIFIED RELEVANT.

Our final search hit, though, makes no degree of sense:

   3. (3 hits) "Carrie Underwood"

Carrie Underwood is a past winner of American Idol who has turned out to be more successful than fellow Idol winner Ruben Studdard and certainly has nicer hair than Justin Guarini. Her tie to the AFL, which is a slightly make-believe sport, appropriate because she is a slightly make-believe celebrity, is that a possible future-AFL standout, Ricky Santos, is a Walter Peyton award-winner, just like Dallas Cowboys hottie QB Tony Romo, whom is currently, so far as we know, plowing Ms. Underwood. That's the full six degrees of logical separation as referenced in the Hall of Fame post, and we apologise to Ms. Underwood's fans for leading them astray, as this is CERTIFIED IRRELEVANT. This website has nothing to do with Carrie Underwood, American Idol, the Dallas Cowboys, Big Tuna, or Drew Bledsoe, who was backed up by Tom Brady for the New England Patriots, Tom being a graduate from Michigan, where he played for the Michigan Wolverines, who play in the Big Ten and the Big House, which has nothing to do with This Old House or Bob Villa, not to be confused with Bob Costas who works for NBC which aired Friends and Seinfeld which featured Michael Richards, who got into hot water just like Mel Gibson,who made The Passion of the Christ, which was about Jesus, who was into carpentry and inspired country music and artists like Carrie Underwood.

This blog has nothing to do with any of that. Sorry for the confusion. But thank you for the visit.