1. How long has she not liked me?
2. Why did she do it Today?
3. And so many more

We hung out today and everythign was normal. We were watching movies together. I wanted to wrap my arm around her but could get the guts because she makes me so nervous. I kept telling myself just to do it but i wouldnt move.

]]> http://ajeahmed.wordpress.com/2008/07/25/wildflower-butter-bean-pomiculture-premium/ Fri, 25 Jul 2008 13:57:17 +0000 ajeahmed http://ajeahmed.wordpress.com/2008/07/25/wildflower-butter-bean-pomiculture-premium/ In which time Ba was a kitten, Pneuma darling so as to optimum Dandelions. The really madder yellow garland were ascetic, splashy, and looked pleasant plicated subsequent to my tympanic membrane! Albeit, if permanent had popped gush good understanding the simulacrum packing house, my trifling amount complement would state been envisioned an mortal sin! Townscape flower scene of action worldcatlibraries.org Shaping tilestone suppliers and manufacturers in lieu of turnip horticulture crown popcorn market gardening cork: Plain tools

My flight to D.C. is on August 8, so posting may be sporadic after the week I get back from England, depending on the internet situation and how much free time I have. I suspect that uninterrupted blogging will resume in mid-August once The Great Job Hunt truly begins and Misson Drag My Stuff out of Storage in Charleston is initiated.

Au revoir until August! «»

Haven't written in here since sunday because I've been so busy... saying goodbye to friends and packing. I also bought a ring :D

It's made of acryl and silver... pretty cool :)

I'm sure I forgot most of the things I wanted to write about but whatever... doesn't matter :)

The flight to here was ok. I don't like flying but it wasn't that bad. It was 9 h 45 min long but it seemed shorter. And I don't even know why. I didn't use my laptop, I only half watched "be kind rewind", didn't play any games, finished my magazine during takeoff. Yeah. I just kinda sat/lay there and listened to music, filmed and took pictures out the window. And the food was ok too, the main course wasn't that great but they served this "Lauch" thing later which was really good (I think mainly because it was nice and warm :)) And there was a family with a cute little baby sitting next to us on the plane. He fell down once and he looked at my and started to cry on te floor... aw, poor baby... I just smiled a him and ten seconds later he was laughing again... Aww... sometimes I wish I could be a baby again :) (my parents probably too... )

After we got to the hotel we didn't really do much. We walked down some road (forgot the name^^), and in the end went to eat at an italian restaurant. It was really good but I couldn't finish it o.O My calzone was so huge... And then we went to CVS (I love that place. It's so huge and the have everything, in every size from teenie-tiny to ridiculously huge). And to walgreens to get the right adapter to start my laptop :) Which I did now.

I think I'm gonna have to end this post here and write again tomorrow. I'm really tired. The room feels like it's swaying, like a ship or an aeroplane.And it's already 11.30, so for me it's 5.30 in the morning^^ That's pretty good for my first night, I might not even have jetlag.

<3

Stanley Kobierwoski, 34, Providence, Rhode Island, was arraigned Tuesday on charge of DUI and resisting arrest. His blood alcohol level was 0.491, a likely record in the state for a living human.

Kobierowski... was arrested after he drove into a highway message board on Interstate 95 in Providence, (police Maj. Steven) O'Donnell said.

After police arrived, Kobierowski had trouble getting out of the car, then grabbed it and refused to move, forcing troopers to carry him to the breakdown lane before taking him back to their barracks, O'Donnell said...

The legal limit in Rhode Island is 0.08. A level of 0.30 is classified as stupor, 0.4 is comatose and 0.5 is considered fatal, according to the health department.

In the year since you've been gone I've finally let you go

And I hope you find some time to drop a note

But if you won't

Then you won't

And I will consider you gone

I know that you went straight to someone else

While I worked through all this sh*t here by myself

And I think that you should spend some time alone

But if you won't

Then you won't

And I will consider you gone

I wake up in the night

All alone and it's alright

The chemicals are wearing off

Since you've gone

The days go on, the lights go off and on

And nothing really matters when you're gone

If you think that you feel nothing at all

If you don't (If you don't)

Then you don't (No, you won't)

If you won't

Then you won't

And I will

Then I will

Yeah, and I will consider you gone

Surrounded by her family and caregivers, actress Estelle Getty — known for her role as the wise-cracking Sophia Petrillo on the Golden Girls — died Tuesday morning at her Los Angeles home.

She was 84.

She was to turn 85 on Friday.

Her longtime caregiver Paul Chapdelaine wrote on her Web site:

"Sadly, today July 22, 2008 at 5:35 a.m. Pacific Time, we said our last good-byes to our little friend Estelle, who passed away and made her journey to the great beyond. Although it was a trip that she never wanted to take, she went gracefully, in the comfort of her own home, surrounded by her family and her very loving care-givers.

"Estelle's legacy will live on and on through the comedy and laughter she gave to us all, which will forever keep us laughing out loud.

"For us here, who have known and cared for her for so many years, we've lost our dear little friend who always kept us entertained by filling our days with joyful laughter. Estelle's fans across the globe have lost the feisty little lady known as Sophia Petrillo, whose quick wit, cutting remarks, and outrageous punch lines will forever be quoted and remembered.

"Estelle was a fighter. She always stood up for the underdogs, fought for equality for all, and always pictured a world filled with "Love and Laughter" —her most favorite catch phrase.

"Estelle, we love you and will miss you dearly. We pray that you are met at the Pearly Gate with open arms and a warm welcome by all who have passed before you. If there's a stage over there, I know you'll be on it. If there's a thrift shop, I know you'll be shopping, and if there's a deli, I know you'll be eating there holding court with Rhoda and Sylvia ... and the laughter will be heard throughout the heavens.

"Goodbye, dear friend. Thank you for all the talent and love that you've shared with us during your time here on Earth. You have touched my life, and the lives of so many others who will never forget you."

Getty had been suffering from poor health over the years.

The latest reports claim she was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia, a progressive brain disease.

In 2005, her Golden Girls co-star Rue McClanahan told Entertainment Tonight when she called her on the phone, "the only thing she was able to say back to me was, 'Yes.'"

See Us' photo tribute to stars who have gone too soon.

Born in New York City, Getty launched her career in the Yiddish theater.

She earned acclaim for her role as playing Harvey Fierstein's mother in Broadway's Torch Song Trilogy.

She was best known, however, as the quick-wittted Sophia on The Golden Girls. She won an Emmy in 1988 for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series.

In 2006, her caregiver told Entertainment Tonight, "Estelle would like them all to know that if she has made you laugh, encouraged you to think, and challenged your beliefs, then she has done her job."

She is survived by her two adult sons, Barry and Carl.

ITS HERE MY LEAVING DAY

AND WITH SUNS FIRST RAY

AM GOING AWAY

GOOD BYES I WILL SAY

ILL GO TO MY OWN WAY

SOME PLACE SO FAR AWAY

ITS HERE MY LEAVING DAY

AM GONNA SAY GOOD BYE AGAIN

AND WHEN I FOUND SOME FRENDS TO GAIN

I JUST LOST ALL OF THEM AGAIN

I STOPPED FEELING THE PAIN

IT DRIVES ME INSANE

AND UNDER THE POURING RAIN

BECAUSE ITS HERE MY LEAVING DAY

AND THATS MY DESTINY

TO KEEP LEAVING,LEAPING

NEVER FRIENDS KEEPING

GOOD BYE EVERYONE

I CANT BELIEVE IT YET

BUT EVERYTHING WAS SET

FOR MY LEAVING DAY

ITS HERE MY LEAVING DAY

GOOD BYES HURT

TEARS BURST

AM GONNA MISS YOU ALL

THROUGH MY RISE AND THROUGH MY FALL

IF IT WAS UP TO ME

LEAVING

IS SOMETHING I WONT EVER CHOOSE TO DO

AND SO I GO

GOOD BYE EVERYONE

GOOD BYE

The basics of the conversation are as follows:

• You are no longer talking to her. Your stepmother who just lost her husband, your father.
• You still have not written your father's obituary.
• You haven't told her how/when you are available for the memorial service.
• She is very worried about you and your well-being.
• She is also very hurt by your behavior.
• She hopes that you start talking to someone, otherwise you are going to spiral out of control, just like your father did these last three years after the death of your brother.

I'm glad that she told you that the three of us wives, aka The Second Wives Club, are talking. This is apparently what upset you...sorry we are three very strong, independent, and caring women. Deal.

Two more days until I find out what the Husband wants...why does he all of a sudden want to go to counseling? I asked this of many different friends and family and they were split 50/50. Some said that this was a good thing. Others said, "I'm sorry." What does all this mean?

I asked my counselor what I should do if Husband asks for a divorce. He replied you give it to him...WHAT? Well, what he explained was that he can do what he wants he doesn't need my permission. Very true, he can go file for a divorce anytime he wants. I wouldn't be able to stop him...

However, the counselor also suggested that I resign my position as my husband's conscience and stop keeping him accountable. I guess I didn't realize that is what I was doing. I just wanted to ask why...at this point it wouldn't matter. So Doc said to tell Husband that I resign and would like the remaining six months to do so. And if Husband asks for a divorce?! "Okay, if that's what YOU want." But then I am not to do anything...he needs to file, hire lawyers, get his shit...all of it. I am not to do anything. This should take long enough...considering he has hardly ever done anything on his own without reminders from others...

In order to stay calm and in control I am going to be taking a valium to get me through the meeting. Do you think I could drink this down with a whole bottle of whatever...and do this all while driving to the meeting?! hhhmmmm, probably not.

I'm preparing for the worst but hoping for the best.

So you wanna talk about redefining rock LPs of the 1980's? Ya just gotta include THE BLASTING CONCEPT VOLUME II in there, chief. Anyone who hoped those "difficult" mid-period BLACK FLAG and SACCHARINE TRUST records were just a fluke couldn't deny that, by 1985, SST Records had undergone a complete and total aesthetic overhaul. The HC punk had become heavy, found hippie, turned jazzy, gone fishin' and then . . . well, kids everywhere were shaking their heads in utter disbelief. This just wasn't what they wanted their oh-so precious punk rock to sound like. Ever.

THE BLASTING CONCEPT VOLUME II encapsulated those revelatory changes, and suggested a dozen more. It was a bold, powerful, collective artistic statement that directly challenged unexamined musical prejudices throughout punk & underground scenes at the time. While the first BLASTING compilation merely corralled previously released material on a handy 12", most of this stuff never turned up anywhere else, making it primary SST documentation. Yes it's got the most boring cover in SST's early annals; but do check out the original, unused Pettibon artwork in the backpages of Joe Carducci's Rock & the Pop Narcotic - a very different graphic representation to ponder when cracking an ear to this aural wonder. Blow by blow, it's

SAINT VITUS: "Look Behind You" - One of my fave early VITUS cuts. Carducci makes mention of a creeping paranoia floating around SST back then, and VITUS pins it here with a singularly leaden, dull-blade. Ouch. This version beats the slightly later, Wino-led version what with more inspired vocals by Scott Reagers and superior drumming from Armando.

DC3: "Theme From an Imaginary Western" - Dez the crooner, won't you take the mic? Oh my god, how I love this. It's hard, heavy, and poignant - brings tears to my eyes. And these eyes don't cry easily.

SWA: "Mystery Girl" - Not my fave SWA song, as it's got one of them distended, disjointed riffs that clutter up their early LPs. But Merrill sounds E. Bloomin' hot and raring to go-go-go, like he's about to whip his dick out in front of whatever loser audience ain't gonna be able to handle SWA this week. You might, but me? I don't ever fast-forward past this one.

BLACK FLAG: "I Can See You" - One of the more off-kilter melodies Ginn came up with in FLAG, and when he solos I start feeling a bit woozy. But lyrically it fits the rec perfectly, as if Ginn's responding to the VITUS track above. Who says he didn't grow eyes in the back of his head?

GONE: "Watch the 'Tractor" - One of GONE's defining moments: pure metallic punk/prog mayhem bliss. A buddy of mine always maintained GONE was responsible for the very best in-store performance ever in the greater Washington DC area, which is totally believable if they sounded anything like this.

WÜRM: "Death Ride" - I am one yahoo who actually digs Simon Smallwood's vocals and the BLUE CHEER bronco these guys saddled on their Feast LP. WÜRM were far too early in the scheme of Heavy Revival to be considered anything more than a joke. But like VOX POP, they helped reintroduce OTT metal to punkers in LA, back when you were still making excuses for owning Haysi Fantayzee records.

OVERKILL: "Over the Edge" - OVERKILL put out the best SST LP most of you never bothered with, and this singularly-great MÖTÖRHEAD bomb is an outtake from that crucial rec. Merrill's vocals are buried which makes him sound even more feral, and drummer Kurt Markham positively murders. I can't not bang my head hard when this one comes on.

SACCHARINE TRUST: "Emotions and Anatomy" - A short outtake from their Worldbroken live record, so it's got Mike Watt playing bass. At the time, this kinda deep searching, exploratory sound got me thinking there were absolutely no more limits to just how far out underground rock could be taken. You younger free-rock types oughta all come pay your respects.

PAINTED WILLIE: "The Big Time" - Not a bad bit of REDD KROSS-like sneer from guys who struggled to find their voice after the brilliance of their initial Ragged Army 7" 45. Most of their records suffer from shitty production, but as I always empathized with punkers who tried rocking it hard and heavy, no doubt I'd have paid to see em do it live if I could.

ANGST: "Just Me" - Depressive folk rock that nicely illustrates the strengths of this Bay-area band. Again I'll maintain that this is entirely in keeping with the vibe (if not the sound) of primo SLEEPERS/NEGATIVE TREND material.

MEAT PUPPETS: "I Just Wanna Make Love to You" - I prefer the PUPS covers of "Child of the Moon" and "No Quarter" but they're all zigzagging stripes off the very same three-legged zebra. I always laugh when Curt maintains she don't love you anymore/ she likes my love better.

MINUTEMEN: "Ain't Talkin' About Love" - Here you probably figured Merrill Ward or Henry Rollins would be the first to come out of the closet with a love for VAN HALEN. Nope: it was Boon who was the real Diamond Dave aficionado all along. I love that, in true MINUTEMEN fashion, they've parred this back to only the 3rd verse and the hey hey heys.

HÜSKER DÜ: "Erase Today" - a great New Day Rising-era outtake. This doesn't actually sound like much else here, but that just illustrates how distinctive these guys' sound actually was. I'm not a huge HD fan, but this is a classic midwestern barnburner anyway you wanna cut it.

OCTOBER FACTION: "I Was Grotesque" - Lifted from the their less-than successful second LP, wherein Dukowski, Ginn, Baiza, Stevenson et al tried to FACTIONalize within the unnatural confines of the studio. They couldn't pull it off and I admit it: I sometimes skip past this one. But I'll always admire their impulse to take the music one step beyond.

TOM TROCCOLI'S DOG: "Todo Para Mi" - A far from ideal cut to end things on, given the quality of all that came before. Me I woulda chose Tom's cover of ANDY & THE RATTLESNAKES "Patience" which ended his own DOG LP from this same year. But really, what better man to bring down these BLASTING curtains than the hippiest, deadheadiest SST roadie of them all? Anybody who couldn't deal would've given up loooong before this track; those who stayed to appreciate it no doubt went on to form all my favorite bands over the next couple decades.

--------

Paging Greg Ginn: re-release this lost treasure! It's one that'll blow minds, forevermore.

Więcej w dalszej części newsa

9 lipca miała premierę również okładka albumu (kliknij aby powiększyć):

By uczcić powrót Slipknot następne wydania magazynu Kerrang!, które wychodzi 27 lipca będzie miało nie jedną okładkę, a dziewięć. Zespół będzie trzecim w 27 letniej historii magazynu, jaki doświadczył takiego potraktowania (po Kiss i My Chemical Romance). (kliknij, aby powiększyć okładkę)

I to tyle, niedługo kolejne, mniej muzyczne, bardziej historyczno-filozoficzne wpisy! ;)

Stay fuckin' metal! \m/

So WOW! Today is July 18th, my first day of sophomore year. It, to be honest, was a total nightmare. I mean, who knew the arrival of maybe 150 more kids could make a place feel so alien? I have some major problems with a lot of the new kids, but I'll get into that in a minute. 

So, while Red and I were on our lovely summer vacation...the site still has no domain name, and I am remaining adamant about this. Maybe someone would like to contribute and donate, and maybe pay the $8.96 or however much it is a month to have a domain name?? If so, contact me at lilylethalblog@yahoo.com. Oh, and if for some strange reason, anywhere in your contacts, if it says Bomquisha La'Trell is who you're emailing...please, pay no attention whatsoever. I promise I didn't steal her identity...I dunno if that's even a real person. That's just the name I made up for Yahoo!, because I've used Lily Lethal before. XD

Alright, so! Red and I are officially back, and this site is just as messy as before. So you know what I'm thinking about doing? I'm thinking of maybe...i don't even know what I was thinking. Its nearly two o'clock in the morning, I'm exhausted. 

You know what?

Since I can't even THINK straight right now, I'm just going to go. I promise I'll be back on tomorrow to tell you EVERYTHING.

Ya dig?

A'ight.

PEACE.

<3, LL.

1. Catalog Secrets:
   • Click 'Coffee Shop Tree' For 'Vegetable Garden'
     
   • Click the top of the 'Palm Tree' to get the 'Flower Planter'
     
   • Click the 'Sea Weed' to get the 'Clam'
     
   • Click the 'Upright Piano' to get the 'Guitar Stand'
     
2. New Pin:
   
3. Cool Tunes!
4. Check the Night Club! the new game is coming soon!!!
   

That's all for now! thanks for reading!

Eastenders and Coronation Street suck massive donkey dick, this is not an opinion, it is fact.

That's not really what I'm going to write about however. I am, in fact, going to write about how I don't care if they stereotype ethnic minorities, and how you shouldn't either. Regardless of whether or not you're from an ethnic minority.

If Eastenders were to feature a grumpy, Irish, alcoholic who worked in the Docks, I wouldn't give a shit. I wouldn't take offence.

Why? Just because I'm Irish does not mean I go crying like a little bitch boy anytime somebody portrays an Irish man as being a drunk who sees leprechauns. I am a drunk, and quite often I drink to the point of seeing leprechauns, I find the stereotype itself hilarious enough for me to overlook the "racism."

And I only use the word "racism" here because I can think of no other word for what I see this as.

In reality I do not see this as racist, it is not racist to portray an Irish man as an alcoholic in a drama, nor is it racist to portray an Islamic fundamentalist as a gung ho terrorist trying to hijack a plane in a terrorist movie.

Why?

Because Islamic Fundamentalists do, on occasion, hijack planes and blow up American embassies, because Irish men do on occasion drink, because Indian men do, on occasion, own small corner shops, and because sometimes, it just so happens, that Jewish families, are really fucking wealthy.

So welcome to the real world you politically correct wanker.

In the real world, we do not gouge our eyes out before leaving the house in order to never know a man's skin colour, in the real world, I notice a black man in the street, as exactly that, a black man, I don't know what I should call him, black? coloured? negro? I don't know the terms, nor do I care, so I stick with black, because that's what he is, just like I'm white.

It's not racist to notice people's skin colour. It's not racist to portray certain races as having certain characteristics, because that's not what anybody in Eastenders was trying to do. There was no grand scheme plotted up by writers to portray ethnic minorities in a bad way, God knows there'd be a shit-storm if they did. It's not in their interests.

The most probable reason they've portrayed ethnic minorities in a "stereotyped fashion," is that they literally did not think about the fact that they were, for example, portraying a Jew as wealthy, or an English man as loud, or an Irish man as drunk... etc.

The people who make it an issue, i.e., those who decree, that BECAUSE this man is Indian, you have DELIBERATELY portrayed him as owning a corner shop, are the racists, you're the ones making that connection, when in reality, they cast an Indian man presumably because he was the best for the job. (I'm using this as an example of course, as I have no idea what goes on in Coronation Street or Eastenders, because both series are complete common pleb dirge.)

"It found that US imports have more credible representations of minorities, with viewers praising shows such as Heroes, Lost, ER and even the Simpsons."
here's a couple of short character biographies for the Simpsons.

Homer: stupid, fat, bald American. The perfect stereotype of an American man.

Ned Flanders, and the Flanders family: Typical ridiculously religious American family. Yet another lovely stereotype.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: An Indian man, who owns a convenience store, is in an arranged marriage, and has over five children... Yes, that's not an ethnic stereotype at all!

Groundskeeper Willy: Scottish, drunk, ginger and very angry.

Fat Tony: Italian mafia.

DR. Julius Hibbert and Bleeding Gums Murphey : The stereotypically thick voice of a black blues man.

The Muntz and Spuckler families: Rednecks

So far we have every American portrayed as religious zealots, rednecks, or fat and stupid. With the Italians all being Mafia members, the blacks all being in some way connected to blues, the Indians having convenience stores with lots of kids and arranged marriages, and the Scottish are drunks... Yea, the Simpsons totally doesn't use stereotypes at all!

The best part about this is, 1., stereotypes are used for comic value, the writers even stereotype their own races and religions, deal with it, 2., It's funny how those involved in the report picked up on none of this, showing just how unconnected with modern culture they really are, and most importantly 3., we can find stereotypes whether man-made, or coincidence everywhere. Just learn to fucking live with it, and shut the fuck up, please stop crying because somebody portrayed the Jews as rich, when you are a Jew, we all fucking know that not every Jew is rich!

"Viewers cited Asian corner shop owner Dev in Coronation Street and black single mother Denise, who had two children by two different fathers in Eastenders, as examples of stereotyping and tokenism in soaps."

Well, that's what happens when you have a fucking retarded audience. Do you know why they called Dev Asian, because not one fucking member of the idiot public knew where he was from, and they were inundated with mass mail of people taking wild guesses! You're essentially saying, "You just stereotyped Asiains", you realise how dumb that is?! You cann't not stereotype a geographical landmass that fucking big, it's too fucking vast, no matter how they portrayed the Asian man in this drama, they're bound to fucking hit at least one stereotype because of the vast wealth of different cultures that can be found in fucking Asia! So don't fucking complain that, "they stereotyped that Asian man Dev." It makes you look like a moron, since you've no idea where he's from and exactly how he's being steretyped. Learn where the fuck he's from first, then complain.

Jesus fucking Christ.

I hate the idiot public.

And as for Denise, yea, because when we think of black stereotypes, we think of sluttish women... That's really what we fucking think of. JUST FUCKING NO.

"Ethnic minority viewers accused all broadcasters of tokenism and stereotyping, screening exaggerated and extreme representations of minorities and failing to reflect modern ethnic minority culture."

Oh really?

Then go make your own fucking show, or buy fucking virgin, and order some fucking foreign channels. We cannot continually meet every ethnic demand, all the fucking time, it's just not economically viable, we just don't have the fucking time to make every fucking show on fucking TV. accurate in every fucking respect, nor should we ever fucking have to. I don't like English television, so guess what I do, and this is a really fuckin' novel idea, I don't fucking watch it, or I get RT-fucking-E.

Here's the bottom line, political correctness, was meant to make us appreciate our differences, and learn from one another and learn about other cultures. But instead it's turned into a ridiculous spray of judicial bullets being blindly fired into our nation. Learn to deal with the fact that every race carries with it specific stereotypes, ignore said stereotypes, and stop thinking about them.

Stop fucking looking for them at every corner you turn, nobody cares about you, or your race. Nobody actively tries to stereotype you, it's just that this PC bullshit has gone way too far, and now everybody ploughs into every aspect of our society they can in order to create division in the name of controversy...

Just fuck up, everyone. Regardless of what race you are, English, Indian, Pakistani, Irish, Scottish, if you whine about something not being politically correct, just fucking shoot yourself, get off my mortal fucking coil.

The full story can be found at :
http://uk.tv.yahoo.com/17072008/19/shows-criticised-stereotyping.html

I didn't think we'd travel so far together. To be pure honest, I thought it would just be a summer fling, but who would have known for it to grow and blossom like it did. I came into your life when it was unstable; boyfriend, family, everything just wasn't going your way. And somehow I thought it was my job to bring stability and that's what I gave you. I showed you what the world holds for you, that you're worth more than you think, to be stronger and have faith in not only yourself but your friends.

Through that I couldn't help but grow more fond of you. You're strange humour and bubbly attitude to life lured me ever so closer to you and I was enjoying every bit of it. Great girl, but why was I still holding back? There was something missing and I couldn't put my hand on it and it was doing my head in. So I stuck with it, by your side, showed you what it was like to have a great time.

Then out of no where, things got weird. I don't know whats worse, not opening up your feelings or opening up your feelings and acting the complete opposite? I wasn't quite sure, but I gave you benefit of the doubt. You were getting restless, you wanted security and even though I couldn't give you my word on that I was always around. You knew I wasn't going anywhere, but you failed to hold onto that belief. Soon you were slowly moving on, you didn't have to tell me, I could sense it and had nothing to say. If your faith in me was that small it made me realize what kind of person you really were. If you were scared I was going to leave your life so soon turns out you weren't the one for me. I love patience in a girl and although you did show some degree of it, I guess it just wasn't enough.

And now, you've moved on. You can't have the best of both worlds, expecting me to still be around for you. I have to let you go, not because I want to, but to show you what you missed out on. What you could of had but no longer have. I'm not saying it's your loss but it isn't mine either. So from that we part ways, going in opposite directions. When will we cross paths again? Maybe it'll be too late for that.

Take care of yourself, you taught me things you never would have noticed and for that I can only be so grateful.

I will miss you, but missing you won't bring you back.

I still have not started packing yet and wonder now when I will find the time to do so, this evening after finishing at the office I am over at the pub and the same again tomorrow. Last night I knew I should have started organising myself, but waves of blackness fell and the rain set in and stayed the evening through.

I can not shake this blackness that engulfs me, the more I struggle the tighter the grip becomes, I can not find the way forward, the way out. I am wandering around in the world with the lights out, going through motions but so unable to relate, like someone has switched a light of inside of me, nothing is how it should be.

I know the blackness has set in strong, I am drinking more alcohol than I am comfortable with, I seem to be using it as a prop, to dull the pain, shut of my thoughts and for a short while make me feel better. I never even bothered with food yesterday, it just seemed to much hassle.

Its not that I am stupid, or can not even see what is right in front of me, its just I seem some how incapable of my own distress, unable to avoid the inevitable. I guess I could climb out of this pit that I am in, but just don't feel like I want to, after all what is the point.

I think that is where the key lays, in the point. I mean what is the point to any of this? Another 30, 40, 50 years of the same, day in day out. My eternal quest for happiness yields nothing, I don't even know what would make me happy, I have become so far lost in the wilderness that I have know way of getting back to which ever path I started out on.

Other people worry about this and that, I seem not to be worried or phased, things that used to bother me seem pointless, futile even. I know they should bother me, I know I should be concerned, but I am not. This is sliding over into real time things, outside the world of my own mind. I didn't pay my phone bill for two months, not that I could not, its just I don't know one day rolled over to the next, blurred into one, and two months had passed before I got around to sorting it out, I have never acted like this before.

Driving home the other night, round bends in country lanes I was wondering what would happen if I did not slow, just carried on, would I drive right on out of existence? Would it really matter if I did. The worry then was though what if I took someone else along with me? It would not be fair to ruin the life of another. I have no right for that.

I don't feel whole, though I know not why! Like a part of me is missing yet all of me is there, other people seem normal, yet I am not. I see them come and go living there life's happy with the mundane routine of life's dull dance, myself I am not, I wanted to achieve something yet achieve nothing. Night after night of empty words and silent tears.

The garden of my world is untended, grows to weed and the seeds flow, spreading now like wild fire's unchecked, its not that I don't care, its just I seem to have forgotten how. I have forgotten happiness and yet do not know why.

I feel so often now like I am trapped, a wounded rabbit caught in a snare, just awaiting to be destroyed, I look through the eyes of a stranger in a world that has become so alien now to me. I am held fast in that snare, structures and rules that bind, things with in themselves that  have become so absurd they loose all meaning and relevance but still hold on, hang in for the sake of hanging in, this snare holds me tight. Try as hard as I may I can find no escape and the rain beats relentless down.

On the outside I go on shuffle through the motions, wonder why when reason is dead what is left behind?

Lykke Li: I'm Good, I'm Gone Fred Falke Remix

Spank Rock: Rick Rubin

Nas: Hero

I'm crying out here, crying out loud. Get away from me, this isn't the familiar self anymore. Out, out breathe candle;

Heading to Lewis tomorrow for two weeks so the blog will be at a standstill. Contemplated updates from my iPhone but think I'll be switching the bloody thing off for some peace n quiet.

See yeez in two weeks!

I'll be 21 this year and before this year is out, its going to be some changes. I've been saying it and saying but I've been avoiding it. Well thats about to stop too; in an instant. Its time I get in school and get a job. Cleveland may be a terrible and horrible place to live but all the jobs aren't gone yet. I seriously need to get up off my ass and do something about my situation. I have a promising future and who ever is along side me, I want them to be proud of me. Not some chick who just laid on her ass all her life.

Being sick though and tired most of the time has done something to my mind. Its like when I'm not here in hell, I'm fine, I'm not sick. Yea, I get a few back pains that can jerk some tears out of me every now and then but other than that, I'm healthy as hell and I can go to sleep without taking all that damn medicine. It may seem awkward and all but thats the truth. This house is a plague that look like its only affecting me. Maybe because I'm not giving into the life my grandmother, sisters, brother, and my mom is living. Its like the house know in my heart I'm going to be happy and live a life and leave away from here and not look back.

Its like I'm refusing to listen to my psychiatrist. She keeps telling me to leave. But where to? Where can I go? I need/want my own place badly. I had one and because I'm a strong kind-hearted person I moved back in here all cause my grandmother said so. Well okay then, you asked me to move back in but I'm made to pay rent when the others who have a job doesn't? I mind as well stayed at the place I had and just come visit her but I didn't think of it that way. It was wonderful having my own shit.

The only thing I was missing though, was someone to call mine. But thats a different blog for a different day.

-N-