Step Three (my modified version)- I made a decision to practice self love and to trust in the power of love.

   Oh my God! This step probably has to be the hardest one for me.  I find it so sad that I actually have to make a DECISION to love myself- how fucked up is that? It makes me want to cry but since I have repressed my feelings for so long that I don't even know what I feel anymore I can't even bring my eyes to well up, never mind actually spill the tears. 

   This step is also confusing to me because I don't really know HOW to practice self love.  All my life I thought what I was doing (trying to be perfect so others would like/love me, people pleasing, denying the truth of the dysfunctional around me) WAS loving myself because I was keeping myself safe. Only now as I sit here looking at the shattered remnants of a life not lived, am I realizing just how much I DON'T and haven't loved myself in a very long time, probably since my toddlerhood that I can't remember.

   The second part of this step, trusting in the power of love, just makes me want to cringe. It is so hard to trust in love when, as a child, the people who were supposed to love you most, your parents,  never told you they loved you, never comforted you, never protected you, and never even seemed to care about you unless it was to criticise you or point out what you were doing wrong. These lessons that I learned in childhood about love (basically that I wasn't good enough and therefore not lovable) have faithfully followed me into my adult relationships with men.

   My adult romantic relationships have been disastrous, to the point where I have now been single for 7 years (I'm only 36!) because of my fear of being hurt in love. Sadly, I find it easier to isolate myself from people, and men in particular, rather than take the risk of loving, because in the past I have always equated love with hurt.  So I find it very difficult indeed to TRUST in the power of love.  In fact, if it wasn't for my daughter, I would probably never be able to trust in the power of love at all.  It is her unconditional love, and my love for her that gives me hope that I will be able to work this step and finally decide to love myself and practice loving behaviour towards myself.

   So, that being said, the card that I chose from the Gilded Tarot deck for this step was The Lovers.

Keywords for The Lovers- an ethical or moral choice (duty versus your hearts desire), union, establishing bonds, being intimate, love, passion

   I looove the picture on this card :)  This was actually one of the reasons that I bought the Gilded deck, this card and the picture of the Empress and High Priestess just spoke to me so much.  The Lovers card, with the strong muscular man lifting up a beautiful woman to the heavens just seems so sensual and sexy to me, the way he is SUPPORTING her just makes my heart want to burst with love.

   This card is about choice, choosing your hearts desire over something that you do out of duty.  I want to love myself because innately I know that I am lovable and I deserve to be loved just because I am alive, not because someone tells me that I SHOULD love myself.  I SHOULD do a lot of things (eat better, exercise) that doesn't mean that I do them.  Intellectually knowing something and actually experiencing something are two very different things.  

   This card is also about passion and feeling deeply, something that I feel is really missing from my life.  I want to have a passion for life, to wake up in the morning and bound out of bed eager to learn and grow and really LIVE life and LOVE life to the fullest. I want my frozen heart to melt with the tears of joy that I cry for every small miracle that happens each day. I feel the Lovers card represents Step Three quite well for me, choosing to love myself and allow myself to feel and love deeply, following my heart.  This is what my heart aspires to.

Namaste

Step One (my modified version)- I admit I am powerless over others & over the effects of living with alcoholism. My life has become unmanageable.

   When I first thought about a card for this step while lying in bed previously, I envisioned the 4 of Pentacles reversed from the Rider Waite Smith deck because that card smacks to me of a loss of control.  In the upright position I read it as someone who micromanages everything, has to be in control, someone who cannot go with the flow because of a fear of losing control of themselves, others and life in general.  So in the reversed position it indicates a total loss of control, thus, UNMANAGEABILITY. 

  However, I had decided to use the Gilded Tarot for this exercise, and when I pulled out the 4 of Pents it just didn't have the same effect on me. The card I ended up choosing was The Moon. I think it was the "powerless over others and the effects.." part that called to me here.

Key Words for The Moon- cycles, confusion, lies, wandering aimlessly, illusion caused by powerful emotions

   How appropriate! As a child living in an alcoholic household, we are POWERLESS to affect any change there, we rely on the adults for our very survival and because of this we have to believe the lies and distortions that they tell us. This leads to extreme confusion about what is right and wrong, what is normal and not normal and to cope with this fear and terror (powerful emotions indeed), we tell ourselves that what is really happening isn't actually happening (illusion).  We wander aimlessly through life repressing our emotions and thoughts into our subconscious so we don't have to deal with the pain, until one day we realize that our lives have become UNMANAGEABLE.

   Thankfully, although we were powerless over the cycle of addiction in the past, this step brings everything up from the subconscious so that we can be empowered to change our life and have a better future. We CAN break the cycle of addiction.

Many blessings until next time...

Gold version. Gold edition. Gold plated. Awash in Gold. Gold: limited, exclusive, special. Whatever you want to call it, it's very hot this holiday season.

Whether it's actual real gold plating (like many of the small hand-held electronics now sold on luxury sites) or merely a 'gold' version, objects that have the gilded shine are everywhere. On the road or in the bathroom, there's now a gold version of just about everything. Some are outrageously priced, while others could be stocking stuffers. So take a look.

Here's a few "gold" versions for you with links to purchase.

Jabra's bluetooth JX 10 has now been introduced in a 24kt brushed gold version (in addition to the stainless steel), designed by Jacob Jensen.

Above: the Jabra JX10 Cara.
Buy it here.

Above: Philippe Starck's Gnome stools, available in gold versions.
Buy them here.

Above: Louis Vuitton's Gold Metallic Handbag from their Miroir Collection, 2007.
I have not been able to find the gold Miroir purses anywhere (not even on eluxury) but for sale at here at www.ioffer.com seem to be many 'replicas'. Pssst......Go ahead, buy one, I won't tell anyone they're not authentic.

But if it must be LV and it must be Gold, then the Lockit MM is the one for you (shown above).
Buy it here.

Even funky porcelain products previously sold in white or colored, have now emerged in gold.

Above: Tank U's limited edition Gold version.
Buy it here.

Above: Phillipe Starck's Iconic Salif Juicer. In Gold for the 10th anniversary.
Buy it here.

Above: Fluke Collective's Ghost Antlers, now in gold.
Buy it here.

Above: Nike Air Classic. In Gold. Were available in a limited number from Jacks Surfboards but are sold out.

Above: She Umera's 24k gold plated eyelash curler, with case of course.
Buy it here.

Above: the Macbook pro even comes in 18k Rose gold plating for those who prefer to be in the pink.
Buy it here.

Above: 24k gold plated 15" macbook pro. Buy it here.

Above: The 24k gold plated ipod.

The above items and more are available for purchase from Amosu.

Bill Amberg's Golden Pappoose is another limited exclusive luxury edition.
But this one' s for the little one:

Limited edition of 10. A golden porter for a priceless ride. Lined in plush natural fibers. Adjustable straps and shearling shoulder pads make a comfortable ride for parents, too. Accommodates infants to 10 months or 22 lbs. Gold.
Buy it here.

And to go with their new "pappoose", here's a classic dumbbell baby rattle, only it's plated in 14kt gold overlay:

Above: the Gold Barbell Rattle by Areaware.
Buy it here

This platter is awash in hand-painted 18k gold over porcelain. Use as a centerpiece or hang on the wall.

Buy The Bel Air Platter here.

Gold dishes just sit there. So, how about a gold-plated massager/vibrator?

The LELO YVA Gold-Plated Massager is a high-class, luxury vibrator for those who won't settle for less when it comes to their sexual satisfaction. The YVA is an 18k Gold-Plated vibe that has a small, yet quietly powerful motor and a deep resounding sensation for those that use it.
Buy it here.

Unfortunately the fabulous Yamaha R1 Gold Edition shown below is merely a protoype:

And if you're gonna have a gold, ride...well, you'd better have gold goggles too:

Above: Bogner's Space Frames. Gold Goggles with anti-scratch and -fog polycarbonate lens. 100% UV protection with multi-layer mirror coating. Detachable elastic headband for goggle or sunglass fit. Gold. 6" x 2" goggles with 21" adjustable headband.
Buy them here.

Even the iconic "rubber ducky' gets gilded. Although this one's actually a piggy bank:

Buy it here.

Below: The LH-C643 home theatre system By LG features a 71-inch plasma display and 24K gold-plated body. At about US$ 82,500.00 and a limited production (only 1,000 units), you’d be hard pressed to find one.

And for the tool loving friend in your life, how about this limited edition 22k gold plated Craftsman ratchet from Sears?

Buy the Gold Sears Craftsman ratchet here.

And the Krystal ELS™, Ondine’s limited edition Krystal Electronic Light Shower™ (ELS) in Polished Gold finish (should have been on my swarovski list as well!)

Buy it here.

Axis Gold wheels will certainly make your car the envy of ballers everywhere.

Buy them here.

You can even get Jonathan Adler's piggy bank in gold:

Buy it here.

Above: At Goldstriker, you can get just about anything for your car from exhaust pipes to grilles, badging and more plated in 24k gold.

And that's just the tip of the goldberg, if you will. Don't forget my recent post on Lantic's gold remote control.

Wanna plate your ipod, iphone, laptop or cell phone in the precious metal of your choice?
Then use the plating services here.