This morning, on my way to Rounds (where the medical-psycho-social-spiritual team reviews each patient's chart each morning), someone pointed to the lounge area and asked whether I knew Paul. Well, I knew of him—his wife has been with us for a week and is very close to dying—but hadn't spent time with him. What happened next turned into the most precious encounter two men could imagine. Connecting effortlessly, we sat holding hands and weeping while he told of their life together and how he’d just whispered into her ears that it would be OK to go. 

For the rest of the morning I carried Paul with me. My time-management went out the window and I forgot to have lunch. I noticed an unobstructed presence whenever I spent time with others. Once expanded, it seems, the heart space is slow to contract. “Work is love made visible,” writes Kahlil Gibran.

.

Kerja adalah cinta yang ngejawantah, dan jika kau tiada sanggup bekerja dengan cinta hanya dengan enggan, maka lebih baik jika kau meninggalkannya, lalu mengambil tempat di depan gapura candi, meminta sedekah dari mereka yang bekerja dengan suka cita.

And what is it to work with love? It is to weave the cloth with threads drawn from your heart, even as if your beloved were to wear that cloth. It is to build a house with affection, even as if your beloved were to dwell in that house. It is to sow seeds with tenderness and reap the harvest with joy, even as if your beloved were to eat the fruit. It is to charge all things you fashion with a breath of your own spirit, and to know that all the blessed dead are standing about you and watching.

Tapi bagaimanakah bekerja dengan rasa cinta itu ? Bagaikan menenun kain dengan benang yang ditarik dari hatimu, seolah-olah kekasihmu yang akan memakainya kelak. Bagaikan membangun rumah dengan kasih sayang, seolah-olah kekasihmu yang akan menempatinya. Bagaikan menabur bibit dengan lembut dan memanen tuaiannya dengan sukacita, seolah-olah kekasihmu yang akan memakan buahnya. Bagaikan mengisi segala sesuatu yang kau buat dengan nafas jiwamu, dan mengetahui bahwa segala yang mati, berdiri disekitarmu dan melihat.

- Kahlil Gibran (1833-1931)

I think he's saying "hey you!" to me or something.

Back to the 4am epiphany... one that I believe was massively influenced by this weekend's readings: Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" and Gibran's "The Prophet."

I need to just love K - unconditionally, without fear, jealousy or anxiety.

Unabashed love that is nothing more and nothing less than love.

Somehow I got so tied up in fear and in my trust issues that I forgot what matters most... my love for K. Worried by being burned again, worried that she didn't love me enough, worried that she would cheat on me. I was reacting to these emotions/anxieties with my mind and protecting my heart. This is exactly what happened the Friday before last as well.

I let these issues and emotion cloud my brain but there is a light at the end of the tunnel because the moment I came to this epiphany, the moment I was able to release it.

I am beginning to feel like my old self. Not the self of 2 or even 4 years ago but the self of 10 years ago when I only believed in one thing... the power of love.

Shout out to the Dalai Lama for that one ;)

Okay, so I am not a super religious person. I was raised Catholic and spent 1st through 6th grade going to church every day before class. However, I'm totally into learning about different religions and finding my spirituality.

Why the long build up?

Because it was at 4:21am this morning when I realized what has happened to me. I realized where I strayed and I realized that I needed a photo of the Dalai Lama to start this post...

However, I am now at work and have to get back to it but will post it all soon.

"Per sempre camminerò per questi lidi,

Tra la sabbia e la spuma,

L'alta marea cancellerà le mie orme,

E il vento soffierà via la spuma.

Ma il mare e la spiaggia dureranno.

Per sempre".

(Gibran)

SAID A BLADE OF GRASS
Said a blade of grass to an autumn leaf, "You make such a noise falling! You scatter all my winter dreams."

Said the leaf indignant, "Low-born and low-dwelling! Songless, peevish thing! You live not in the upper air and you cannot tell the sound of singing."

Then the autumn leaf lay down upon the earth and slept. And when spring came she waked again -- and she was a blade of grass.

And when it was autumn and her winter sleep was upon her, and above her through all the air the leaves were falling, she muttered to herself, "O these autumn leaves! They make such a noise! They scatter all my winter dreams."

Chapter 30- The Madman by Khalil Gibran

"O these autumn leaves! They make such a noise! They scatter all my winter dreams."

iTS one of those ironies of the human heart. Kadalasan naasar ako dahil yung mga pangyayari sa aking paligid ay hindi naayon sa aking nais. Kagaya nang pag ako ay may inaasahang mangyari pero taliwas ang naging kinahitnan. Nahaharass ako sa mga tao na nasasangkot sa mga pangyayari tulad ng mga tao sa opisina na kung sa tutuusin ay dapat ko na lang intindihin. Sa ibang pagkakataon, napapansin ko kaya kung ako ay nagiging pabigat sa iba? Sino kaya ako sa dalawa- isang dahon ng damo o mga dahon sa tag-lagas?

Tayo ay ganito. Kapag tayo ay napipilitang umalis sa comfort zones natin, naghahanap tayo ng mapagbabalingan ng sisi. Sabi nga sa Little Prince ive qouted in my previous post, "mas mahirap husgahan ang sarili. Kapag ito ay iyong nagawa, ito ay dahil ikaw ay maalam na"... siguro ibig sabihin kilala mo na ang iyong sarili at alam mo kung saan ilalagay ang sarili mo.

In her words, "nobody got him like me." In writing, I'm sure to you, the reader, that much of this sounds clichè. A clash of youth, emotion, and memory that spills its pain out into an already clichè world. For the majority of my life I've lived emotionally disconnected, for what reason I know not, but in this movement of life I see neither clichè nor chorus of repetition, save for the fact that it is by definition, movement.

Since changing the name of this blog to "movement, movement" back in April I haven't really mentioned the meaning. Previously it was "Steady, Steady Breathers" which if pushed for meaning I would reply with a cynical reference to an ignorant and complacent humanity.

In short, life is movement. Hearts change. Planets revolve. Circumstances come and go. We are here and then we are gone. How do we know that we are alive? We are alive when we are moving. When we are embracing the nature of a world in motion. This motion is a sign of something bigger than the almighty Me. I am a member of a species, a resident of a planet, a speck within a galaxy. This is a universe in motion and I can find few things that point more away from me more clearly than this. There is something bigger out there. It doesn't take a spiritual person to think of one's own need for humility.

There is also something bigger within. No person of any honesty can deny the existence of the cravings within their soul, and I find it quite ironic that my latest reading has taken me there. We are all searching for it, looking for the places within us that bring the movement of life while avoiding the places that feel like destruction and isolation. The only difference is the understanding of what it is that we're looking for, in whatever abstract form that may take.

We are all sojourners on a common quest. - McManus, Soul Cravings

Pain is a part of life, a part of its movement, just as much as is joy. To run from the pain into denial, anger, or self pity is to cheapen its effect, both for good and bad. Nothing purifies like pain, and nothing brings life like its movement back to joy. And so it is in embracing pain as a part of life that in return creates life where you once thought it impossible. To push it away is to sabotage your own soul, inviting in the bitterness of anger, distrust, and fear. We cannot have joy without pain, courage without fear, or life without death.

For life and death are one. Even as the river and the sea are one. Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

This young man who lost his life deserves to be remembered. He loved, and was loved. There is no human glory more than this and for that he deserves a place in the hearts of those he touched. For that he is a testament to the beauty of the human soul and everything found within it. For that his loss deserves its impact and its embrace and the celebration of his movement beyond this life into the movement of whatever comes next.

I have no doubt that my friend will move through this moment in her journey. I have no doubt that this loss will pull her heart ultimately into life rather than death. As we spoke this afternoon we read through the Gibran book mentioned above (a book that has long been close to my heart, and literally on my arm). His 27th poem in the book, On Death, is so amazingly striking and hopeful that it had for a second gave me a glimpse of the dualities of life and death and the beauty of the universe we live in.

Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.

Friend, if you are reading this, know that you are not alone. Know that life moves, and there is meaning in that movement. Embrace it, sing your song, and remember him.  Please listen to the first song here. "Don't run from the flames, don't hide in the cold.."

Nel leggere queste parole capirai il mio silenzio e le frasi qui di seguito di Gibran danno perfettamente il senso dei miei pensieri. Tu hai tutte le tue ragioni per non condividere certi momenti di sconforto, desolazione e tristezza, ma come in altre occasioni ti ho sempre detto che certe cose non possono scivolare sopra la mia pelle come una qualsiasi emozione o una preoccupazione da nulla o come se tu non fossi parte di me. Non posso e non voglio andar bene solo quando il tempo è bello ed in quelle circostanze in cui c'è da gioire, ridere e scherzare. Ho sperato che la carica della scorsa settimana ci consentisse di vivere quest'altra attesa in maniera diversa, ma tu vuoi rimanere da sola con i tuoi pensieri e i tuoi silenzi ed io non posso obbligarti.

e ricordati:

Quando stai per rinunciare, quando senti che la vita è stata troppo dura con te,  ricordati chi sei. Ricorda il tuo sogno.

".... Ed era stata la malinconia a creare tra il mio spirito e quello di Salmà una relazione di affinità, così che oguno di noi due vedeva nel volto dell'altro ciò che sentiva il cuore, e udiva nella sua voce l'eco di quello che nascondeva nel proprio petto: come se gli dèi avessero fatto, di noi, due metà che nella purezza si unissero formando un essere perfetto, che quando viene diviso avverte nell'anima un penosa mancanza. Invero, l'anima in pena trova pace quando si congiunge ad un'altra che le è affine nei sentimenti e che condivide le sue emozioni, come quando uno straniero lontano dalla patria si consola incontrando un conterraneo. Poichè i cuori che sono spinti l'uno verso l'altro dalle pene della malinconia non vengono divisi dall'esaltazione della gioia manifesta: il legame della tristezza è più saldo negli animi di quello della letizia e della gioia; e l'amore che gli occhi dilavano con il loro pianto rimane puro e bello per sempre."

K. Gibran - da "Le ali spezzate"

In sottofondo la nostra canzone: " Was it just another love affair " - Eurythmics

Trova il tempo per parlarmi

trova il tempo per abbracciarmi

trova il tempo per ascoltarmi

trova il tempo per guardarmi negli occhi

e vedere quanto è immenso

l'amore per te.

Non rimandare a domani

anch'io sono di passaggio.

Vou compartilhá-lo com vocês então:

"Então um eremita que visitava a cidade uma vez por ano, avançou e
disse, Fala-nos do Prazer.
E ele respondeu, dizendo:

O prazer é uma canção de liberdade, mas não é a liberdade.
É o desabrochar dos vossos desejos, mas não é os seus frutos.
É um chamamento profundo para as alturas, mas não é profundo nem alto.
É o encarcerado a ganhar asas, mas não é o espaço que o circunda.
Sim, na verdade, o prazer é uma canção de liberdade.
E bem gostaria que a cantásseis com todo o vosso coração;
No entanto, não percais os vossos corações nos cânticos.
Alguns da vossa juventude procura o prazer como se isso fosse tudo, e esses
são julgados e punidos.
Eu não os julgaria nem puniria.
Gostaria que empreendessem a busca.
Pois eles encontrarão prazer, mas não só.
Sete são as suas irmãs, e a mais insignificante delas é mais bela que o prazer.
Nunca ouviram a história do homem que cavava a terra para encontrar raízes
e descobriu um tesouro?
E alguns de vós, mais velhos, recordam os prazeres com remorsos.
Como erros cometidos quando estavam bêbedos.
Mas o remorso só obscurece o espírito e não o castiga.
Deveriam lembrar-se dos prazeres com gratidão, tal como fariam após uma
colheita no verão.
No entanto, se os conforta sentir o remorso, deixai-os confortarem-se.
E há entre vós aqueles que não são nem suficientemente jovens para
empreender a busca, nem suficientemente velhos para se lembrarem;
E no medo deles de procurarem e se lembrarem, conseguem afastar todos os
prazeres, a menos que negligenciem o espírito.
Mas até na antecipação reside o seu prazer.
E assim também eles encontram um tesouro, embora procurem as raízes com
mãos trémulas.
Mas dizei-me, quem pode ofender o espírito?
Será que o rouxinol consegue ofender a quietude da noite ou o brilho das
estrelas?
E as vossas chamas ou fumo conseguem carregar o vento?
Pensais que o espírito é um lago imóvel que podeis perturbar?
Muitas vezes ao negardes a vós mesmos o prazer, estais a ocultar o desejo
nos recônditos do vosso ser.
Quem sabe que o que parece ser omitido hoje espera por amanhã?
Até o vosso corpo conhece a sua herança e as suas necessidades e não sairá
desiludido.
E o vosso corpo é a harpa da vossa alma, e é a vós que compete extrair dela
uma doce melodia ou sons confusos.
E no vosso coração, perguntais,
"Como distinguiremos o que é bom no prazer do que não é?"
Ide para os vossos campos e jardins e aprendereis que o prazer da abelha
consiste em retirar o mel da flor.
Mas também a flor tem prazer em dar o seu mel à abelha.
Pois para a abelha a flor é uma fonte de vida.
E para a flor a abelha é mensageira de amor.
E, para ambas, abelha e flor, o dar e o receber de prazer é uma necessidade e
um êxtase.
Povo de Orfalés, olhai para os vossos prazeres como as abelhas e as flores."</em>
(Khalil Gibran no livro O Profeta)

Quando terminei de ler esse texto, me veio em mente uma música famosa da cantora francesa Edith Piaf, da qual coloco um video do YouTube abaixo. A música diz "Não! Nada de nada... Não! Eu não me arrependo de nada... Nem o bem que me fizeram, nem o mal - isso tudo me é igual!". Resta a nós, simples mortais, tentar aplicar isso em nossas vidas, ser como as abelhas e as flores..