Anna actually payed attention to the entire sermon.  Of course, it was on pornography...actually what we allow to interfere with our relationships with each other and God.  Not the subject I would choose my 9 year old to listen attentively to, but most of the pornography talk went over her head.  She loved the fact that he used lots of scriptures.  She took several of his little sayings to heart!  One of those was "Don't feed the Sumo," which is just a whole other topic to write about.

The service was fine until the sermon was over.  It was time for the offering.   I was curious to see how this would take place with that many folks in the arena...I mean sanctuary.  It was done by passing cloth bags.  It was effective.  What came next didn't seem comfortable to those us from the Methodist tradition.

The offering bags were collected and without further adieu here came a platter with crackers and grape juice.  I realized that it was COMMUNION.  Nothing was said...just here came another offering plate...I struggled with the platter because I had Abby on my lap.  I think I held up the process of the communion because I was trying to explain to the girls what was going on.  Needless to say it was quite unspiritual.

Several days after that experience, we were talking about the different churches we had visited at the dinner table.  We were discussing what we liked about each one and what we didn't like about each one.  We started talking about the big church as the girls call it.

Anna piped right up and said,"I didn't appreciate how they did communion."  We didn't expect that out of our nine year old.  We, of course, asked her what she meant.  She said that there was nothing said about it.  The preacher didn't call our attention to it.  We were passed the crackers and the juice.  We ate them and that was that.  No prayer.  Nothing.  She said, "It was like they were passing out a snack at preschool.  Don't they know that it was communion!?  I think Jesus said that we were suppose to remember him when we did it!"

We were shocked as parents.  Shocked in a good way.  I have thought about her comments several times over the last couple of weeks.  Preschool snack...communion....remembering....

Communion, the Lord's Supper...it is such a special, holy moment.  She's right...we are suppose to "do this and remember me."  Luke 22.  But do we do that?  How often do we listen to the liturgy what as United Methodist we say each and every time we participate in a communion service?

Each and every time we as United Methodists gather to partake of this special service we are invited by these words:

Christ our Lord invites to his table all who love him, who earnestly repent of their sin and seek to live in peace with one another...

What powerful words...those who love and earnestly repent fo their sin...do we do that?  Do we earnestly repent of those sins?  How often do we take that piece of bread and hear those words, "This is the body broken for you?"  How often do we dip that bread while hearing, "This is the blood shed for you?"  How often do we place that soggy bread in our mouths, utter "Praise be to God" and return to our seats without once thinking about earnestly repenting of our sins and honestly seek to live in peace with one another?

Do we even know how to do that?  Are we willing to do that?  To live in peace requires us to put others before us.  To earnestly repent of our sins requires us to admit we are imperfect; that we sin.  That is hard.

I used to think that it got easier as one developed a closer relationship with God.  I think that the closer I come to God and the more I learn about him and his love for me and the extent to which he will go to have me with him for eternity the more I am acutely aware of my sins.  It is easier to take that bread and juice, mutter my thanks, return to my seat and not let it change me.

But it does change me.  I choose to allow God to change me.   Slowly sometimes.  Painfully sometimes.  To know that I disappoint God is more than I can stand sometimes.  But I am reminded that God loves me.  Even when I take the soggy bread and return to my seat without a real thought about it.  He knows my faults, even those I won't admit to myself and he loves me anyway.

He knows that I will try to remember him.  That I want to remember him.  That I want to earnestly repent of my sins.  That I want with all my heart to live in peace with those around me.  He also know that I will not always think of him, that I will go through the motions and not repent, and that I will not do all that I can to live in peace with those around me.  He knows that as hard as I try not to, I will still sin.  Yet he loves me.

I try to remember that each time.  I pray that it never becomes a "preschool snack" to me.  I pray that it does not become a "preschool snack" to you.

"I wanted to say so much. I had been so naïve to it all. I couldn’t swallow it. I was in complete denial one moment and in total rage the next. I felt this incredible storm inside. But, I didn’t understand why the Spirit was stopping me from showing her that rage. I was being stopped, and the reasons why wouldn’t be shown to me until later.

 Over the next couple of hours, I rambled through a bunch of awkward questions. I was desperate to put the puzzle together and find some hope and peace, but every piece of information took my anger to a new level."

(Excerpt taken from "Fall of the Home" as it's being written)

On one side, I was ready to run down and kill this man. On another, completely overwhelmed with the thoughts of them together. It felt like nothing could quench the thirst for vengeance, and I wanted the pain to stop.

I didn't want to believe Lisa was capable of doing something like that...why? What had I done? Not done? Either way, how could she make a decision like this?

Letting go and learning to forgive at moments like this were very difficult. The hardest part about forgiveness in our situation was that Lisa still didn't want to just be with me when she told me. There was a period of a year and a half afterwards where I felt as if I was still fighting for her heart. As you can imagine, this threw numerous aspects of healing out the window. 

Despite all of this, there were several thoughts God planted in my heart that helped tremendously to move beyond the betrayal and my anger to forgiveness. Every time I became frustrated with any piece of it, the Spirit reminded me of Christ's own love and forgiveness for me.

"God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Romans 5:8 NIV

If I was to "love my wife like Christ loved the church", then her sin couldn't change my sacrifice. I was to love and serve her, no matter how she responded. 

How could I do any different? How could I accept the grace that had been so freely offered to me and then turn my wife away? Hadn't I offered my life to Christ? I had accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior, and now I was just going to pretend like I knew nothing of his forgiveness for me? No way.

When faced with the opportunity to forgive, remember Jesus' walk to the cross for the very people driving him there. His betrayers and enemies were the very people he was dying for. You? 

When you're hurting and angry remember what Paul said:

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

Galatians 2:20 NIV

Learn to let go and lay yourself aside. Be thankful for the love you've been offered, and then...

Offer it back. You'll never regret the load lifted and the love shared.

Today at Vacation Bible School Grace taught me something, grace smells good.  It was a lesson, about God's grace for us.  Now please don't stop reading if your not religious.  I'm not going to preach about any set religion, and I won't argue one religion over another.  Grace is something that is available for all of us, and for all of us to share with one another.  The lesson required the group leaders to wash the children's hands with water laced with vanilla. 

This display was to show them that the love God has for them is sweet, and pure, and unconditional.  The way our love for one another should be.  A golden rule.   Grace was excited that it smelled so good, so sweet.  She wanted to come home and bake, "It smelled like chocolate chip cookies.", she said.  And I realized that grace and forgiveness smells sweet too.  Like fresh cut grass, raspberries warmed by the sun, cookies.  It also feels good; like a one hour massage, a hug from your Grandma, a sticky kiss from your daughter. 

Grace said it felt good too; as we discussed it; the water warm, her leaders touch was tender.  For me it is all to easy to not grant grace.  To be in a hurry, to feel like my agenda is more important then another, to feel wronged.  It is all to easy to hang on to those feelings, to let them fester, to let them become huge and take over.  To fill by stomach like rocks and load my shoulders down with the weight.  I thought about my choices every day.  My choice to let a car go ahead of me, after all, maybe their child is ill and they just need to get to a Doctor.  My choice to not be unhappy if a line at the supermarket is long and slow, maybe it happens that way so I can chat with the old man, lonely after his wife passed.  My choice to not feel snubbed by the grouchy librarian, who couldn't be nice and say hi back to my four year old, maybe she can't make ends meet and she just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

So starting today, I'm choosing grace.  I will look at people and see all of them, and be compassionate and loving in my judgements.  I will make a kind comment to a mother with a crying child, I will let two cars merge at the on ramp, I will take time to joyfully listen to beloved memories of a stranger.  And most importantly I will be gracious to my family and friends, who often get the brunt of our stresses.  Will you join me in choosing grace, too?

Does the Catholic Church consider their denomination exclusive? Break their roles and you're out; is that it? Look, this is how I see it: the Grand Imperial Masters of the Catholic Club have little tolerance for those who break their rules. Break a rule, and you're out of the country club.

But how I see it doesn't matter, especially since I tend to be biased and sometimes un-graceful (I never said I was flawless, and please forgive me for any harsh sounding remarks). What matters is how does Jesus look at this issue of excommunication? What does He think about this practice of kicking people out who don't follow the rules? What might He say to the Catholic Church?

"If you had known what these words mean, ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice,' you would not have condemned the innocent." (Matthew 12:7) I'm not saying those who break the rules are always innocent, but I believe Jesus is telling us to be merciful.

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the door of the kingdom of heaven in people's faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to." (Matthew 23:13) Yes, to me many modern day churches resemble Pharisees, in that it sometimes seems their "traditions" are more important than God's laws and His direction for our lives.

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." (Matthew 7:1-2)

"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector." (Matthew 18:15-17) How did Jesus treat tax collectors and sinners? And I wonder, does God consider it a sin if a woman becomes a priest?

Even Paul has something to say, "Take special note of those who do not obey our instruction in this letter. Do not associate with them, in order that they may feel ashamed. Yet do not regard them as enemies, but warn them as fellow believers." (2 Thessalonians 3:14-15)

"Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." (John 8:7)

And here is a message for anyone who finds themselves kicked out of the club:

"Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 5:10)

"I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more." (Luke 12:4)

Here's the link to check it out. Please add this intention to all your personal and corporate prayers.

Please plan now to start next Friday August 1st.

May the Lord bless you and keep you, in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.

I remember well the day when I came home from school, pushed open the front door, walked into the kitchen area, and went straight into the fridge for a Diet Coke. From there, I went into the living room where my dad was sitting, I gave him a big hug, and then said, "Dad, can we go the park at the weekend?" 

I entered the house with boldness; I approached my father with boldness, because I have been born into the family. 

My friend, how much more the believer, when we have been born through Jesus Christ, into the family of God? How much more shall we approach the throne of grace, where our Heavenly Father is seated? How much more shall we approach Him to ask something of Him, all because we have been born-again, born into the family?  We need not fear, nor feel that we should approach our ABBA Father with caution, but we boldly approach Him, with love, respect and our heart-felt gratitude, because of all that He has done for us, so that we might have that freedom to approach the throne of grace with confidence and boldness, knowing God as our ABBA Father. 

No condemnation now I dread; Jesus, and all in Him, is mine;

Alive in Him my living Head, and clothed in righteousness divine,

Bold, I approach the eternal throne, and claim the crown, through Christ my own. 

God bless you my friend, Matthew.

Love and Light

Scott

Love and Light

Scott

6 But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

An issue for me at this point is the doubt that creeps into my mind regarding my ability.  I believe that God has a purpose for me, and there will come a time where I will do something great.  The doubt enters in regard to the present.  I begin to feel as if, because of my past, I am precluded from doing significant things within the Christian community right now.  The judgment of others and the stigma attached to sin causes me to shrink within my abilities.

I begin to think, "how can I serve God knowing all the sexual behavior and sin in my past".  How can I be used to do anything significant when I have fallen so short of righteousness?  I lose sight of the forgiveness granted through Jesus, and the grace of God which blankets me.  I still envision the long term, the time on down the road, in the far future where I will be called on for a purpose that far exceeds my comprehension.

The doubt that fills the present is the danger.  Removing the doubt is the struggle.  Trusting in God is the answer.

寬恕（forgiveness）的問題果然如此重要。

近兩年前，我的論文題目從科技文化研究領域的「介面政治」轉換到寬恕的議題，
從此便開啟我更為漫長的研究路程。
對任何已經讀了三年的人來說，這確實是很大的改變。
書籍與資料必須重新蒐集，問題也需要逐步構擬。

為何要做這樣的改變？
當我回問自己，究竟有什麼對我來說是掛慮在心的？
因為惟有這樣的題材，未來的研究才可能真正有長遠發展的潛力。

科技文化研究的「介面政治」似乎只是個可以嘗試「玩弄」的研究題材，
但自己似乎未必把它當作目前置要攸關的事。
想想身處的社會環境，歷史的混淆、政治的紛擾、人心的浮動
反而是我一直感到疑惑不解的，而這樣疑問更是對於自己的生命進行發問：
究竟我們這一代是經歷過以及處於什麼樣的歷史變局？
人性如何在歷史悲劇與未來的進展中，面對戰爭所導致的傷痛的過去？
為何政治人物操弄正義與寬恕的議題，卻無法真正讓人心平靜？

前一陣子把書單整理出來，寄給老朱。
老朱看過覺得大致沒問題，僅給予少數的建議。
他還說，寬恕的問題對於亞洲或世界未來的局勢，都會一直是深刻重要的。
更別說，中國歷史脈絡中的「戰後正義」或寬恕問題都值得進一步耙梳。

果然啊，自己不僅找到一個值得關注，而且還相當龐大且重要的研究課題。

老師常說，博論的品質決定了未來的求職。
是啊，為了這句話，多少人吃盡苦頭，
就為了找到意義深刻的好題材，為了用心去深化其中的論述。

法國哲學家德希達把寬恕的問題拉抬到共同體、世界層次的格局，
試圖超越國家政治將寬恕範定為手段的侷限。
那麼，我就要透過這樣的議題，向世界發聲。
我不只是要從事台灣內部的研究，
而是要把研究的問題論點提高到能與世界商論的境地。

Lydia (or more endearingly Bobo in some circles, though she has since renounced the nickname) was, and still is, more than a friend to Liza. They had met in a polytechnic orientation camp; Lydia was a freshie, and Liza one of the group leaders. In a rouse to get closer to the freshies, Liza had masqueraded as one of them and sat next to Lydia, who immediately hit it off with her and became fast friends, before Liza was ratted out by a clueless lecturer who asked her why she wasn't in class.

Lydia's mother had always regarded Liza as her own daughter, and had told Liza that "Fate brought the two of you together, and nothing can ever tear you apart. You are as good as a daughter to me, and I know you will take care of my daughter like she was your own sister as well."

I first met Lydia 6 years back when I was just starting to date Liza and heard a friend of hers needed help with her actual day wedding photography. Being a fresh boyfriend only too ready to impress, I only too readily agreed to assist her in helping out a friend I hardly knew.

Lydia's wedding day was to eventually cause a 5-year-old bad impression on me.

After the wedding, I sent some videos of Lydia's happy day to a guy I knew who did post prod uction work to compile into a DVD for Lydia. I remembered pulling a few big favours to ensure Lydia got the DVD done properly, but what I forgot was to get the DVD done promptly. I received a call from Lydia about a week or two after, which was when the whole trouble started.

I was first struck by the odd tone of voice Lydia used to ask me if the DVD was ready. It was not, and I was then summarily reprimanded over the phone for taking too long for so simple a task. I listened to her rants, thinking to myself, "What the hell...? I thought I was doing you a favour!" My conversation with Lydia only lasted a couple of minutes, after which I reached a point where the only thing I could do was pass the phone to Liza before I said something really bad and things really got out of hand.

For the next five years, I tried to avoid meeting with her as much as I could, which was not entirely difficult, for she had married a Dutch citizen, and was moving to Amsterdam before the year was out. When we did meet, I was less than polite, and often Liza would just decide not to birng me along to any get-togethers of any sort that involved her presence.

And thus the story went, unresolved differences collecting dust on a shelf for five years without a second thought. Until Sunday night two weeks ago.

**********

Lydia had returned from Amsterdam a couple of months earlier, among other reasons, to be with her her mother, who was due for neurosurgery earlier this month to remove a tumour in her brain. She called Liza a while after she had somewhat settled down, and heard of our plans for the wedding. Eventually she was able to put aside the more pressing affair of her mother's condition to agree to be one of Liza's sisters for the wedding.

In the course of the discussions with Lydia on Sunday night's "brothers and sisters" meeting, Liza had asked Lydia, "You're here for your mother, you should be concentrating on staying with her instead of messaing around with us." To which Lydia replied, "Your wedding is only one day. For the things you did for me for my wedding, this is the least that I could do."

Lydia had, in fact, volunteered to do our actual day photography, upon hearing of our troubles getting our other friend to commit to the job and his non-appearance at the gathering that night.

After 5 years, when I first saw Lydia again on Sunday night, the bite of that telephone conversation was still raw in my mind. I had not expected anything more than the fun and games a sister would have on the hapless groom the morning when he would have to try to fetch the bride out of her parents' domain. When Liza told me about her volunteering her services, I wondered if I was wrong about her.

And then Michelle came up with her proposal. Michelle's idea was to get Lydia to supplement the professional photographer's work with the cameras we had, and the fact that she was such a close friend would mean the quality of her photos would by no means be any less than the most heartfelt work a photographer of any calibre could offer to a friend. I lost all notion of my grudge against her when I saw her eagerness and readiness to help out a friend without a second thought.

Later, as I was sharing a smoke with her in my balcony, I told her one of the main reasons why it took so long for me to consent to Michelle's suggestion to hire a photographer was because of her. I told her my grievances against her the last 5 years and how that suddenly went down the balcony drain that very moment, retelling the story of what had happened that fateful phone call five years ago, how I had thought of her at the time all the way till that moment, and asked for her forgiveness.

The flower of Amsterdam and the Ah Huay of my wife's social life gave me an endearingly blank stare. She hd absolutely no idea what the hell I was talking about.

So five years ago, I didn't think I deserved getting scolded from someone I barely knew for doing her a favour without asking for anything in return. This night, I didn't think I deserved her return of the same favour. And then in a moment of rare honesty between two almost complete strangers that could have turned into a Hallmark moment of forgiveness and grace, she tells me she didn't even know I was pissed with her all this time. Hmm.

Obviously we're all okay now. I'm still recovering from the soreness of my slapping myself in the forehead for realising how stupid I was the last 5 years.

Chronology of Pre-Civil War Afghanistan

This is not intended to be a comprehensive history, but rather an indication of the consistent conflict and strife that has occurred in Afghanistan throughout history.

 

 

 

[caption id="attachment_312" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="Megas Alexander Empire"][/caption] [caption id="attachment_314" align="alignleft" width="96" caption="Angelina Jolie "][/caption]

522 BC--486 BC

 

 

 Persian Empire takes Afghanistan, but is plagued by constant tribal revolts.

329 BC--326 BC

Alexander the Great takes Afghanistan, tribal revolts continue.

1st century AD--3rd century AD
Kushan Empire arises and expands throughout the region...

 1954--1961
The U.S. rejects Afghanistan's request to buy military equipment to modernize the army. Prime Minister Prince Mohammad Daoud Khan turns to the USSR for aid. The issue between Pakistan and Afghanistan over Pashtunistan flares up in both 1955 and 1961. Afghanistan grows closer to the USSR.
1965
The Communist (Maoist) Party of Afghanistan, after the election of its leader, Babrak Karmal, instigate riots.
1973
Mohammad Zahir Shah is deposed in a military coup supported by Mohamad Daoud Khan and the Communist Party of Afghanistan. Daoud abolishes the monarchy and declares himself President.

[caption id="attachment_315" align="alignleft" width="80" caption="Christina Dian Parmionova"][/caption]

1978

  

In a bloody Communist coup, Daoud is killed and Nur Mohammad Taraki seizes power, with Babrak Karmal as his Deputy Prime Minister. Mass arrests and tortures take place, Taraki signs a friendship treaty with the USSR and the Mujahideen movement is formed.
1979
Soviet invasion of Afghanistan occurs to prop up the Afghan Communist Party, the Peoples Democratic Party of Afghanistan (PDPA). Mujahideen attacks escalate.
In fact, factions within the People's Democratic Party of Afghanistan, were in conflict during the Soviet occupation. The largely Pashtoon Khalq ("Masses") faction, was led by Nur Mohammad Taraki and Hafizullah Amin, and clashed with the Iranian-speaking Parcham ("Banner") faction, led by Babrak Karmal. Taraki had had a long-standing relationship with the KGB, but was increasingly perceived as being "painfully vain", referring to himself as the "Great Leader of the April Revolution" and even made the heretical claim that this act was on a par with, if not greater to, the Bolshevik October Revolution. The KGB found the Parcham leader far easier to deal with. He was educated, sociable and more flexible. On October 10, 1998, it was reported that Taraki had "died yesterday morning of a serious illness", a euphemism for his removal from power. The KGB also fomented the existing feuds betweens the various mujahideen groups, reducing their effectiveness.
Afghanistan is a has experienced many conflicts. A crossroads for Human migration, invasion, and conquest have made Afghanistan a highly heterogeneous nation. Though dominated by the Pushtun peoples (42%), many other ethnic groups are present. These include the Tajiks (27%), Hazaras (9%), Uzbeks (9%), Aimak (4%), Turkmen (3%), and a number of smaller groups scattered across the country. Religion also plays its part — 80% of the people are Sunni Muslims while the remaining 20% are Shia, predominantly the Hazaras. Though each speak their own language, and have their own customs and culture, each group also speaks one or both of the official languages of Afghanistan, Dari or Pushtu. Tribal and intra-tribal rivalries, feuds and conflicts have made conflict a common thread of life in Afghanistan...

    

 

 

 

"What has passed and cannot be prevented should not be grieved for."

BIG ELK, MAHA CHIEF, from Commonplace Book of Prose, 1830

I'm reading a book entitled Forgive for Good by Dr. Fred Luskin, and that quote leads off one of the chapters.  I like it because it means you cannot control the past; it's already gone.  Although the book deals with forgiveness when other people have wronged you, I'm reading it because the person I need to forgive is myself.  I don't hold any grievances against other people.  In the end, I always blame myself for everything bad that happens to me.  I hold all my grievances against myself.  I need to forgive myself for a lot of things, but most importantly, I need to forgive myself for allowing my weight problem to get so out of control.  I'm hoping the techniques he presents will apply to self-forgiveness, but I'm not far enough into the book to tell yet.  I need to concentrate on the here and now, and stop spending so much time giving myself the "What if I had done it this way or that way" lecture.  That's a waste of mental energy at this point.

The weather here was much improved today, so I made it out for two walks today.  I took what's becoming my normal lunch time walk at work, and then tonight I walked around the complex where I live.  And I did make it to the top of the incline on the walking path tonight.  More importantly, it felt a lot easier than it did the other night.  I think I may actually be starting to make some progress.

Tomorrow night, I'm headed up to my father's place for the weekend.  This time I'm not going to whine about it, either, because there's nothing about it I can change.  There's no point in wasting any mental energy complaining about something that's not going to change, right?  I'm just going to go up there, do the things that need to be done, and I'm not going to get aggravated about it.  I'll reveal after the weekend whether or not I was successful.  If there's a whiney post here on Sunday night, then you'll know I've failed, but I'm not planning on it.  I'm planning on having a good weekend.  I hope you have a good weekend as well.

Discussion: The Bible says (1 John 1:9) that if you confess your sin He is faithful and just to forgive you of your sin and cleanse you from all unrighteousness. It doesn’t qualify forgiveness as being available only after you tell someone else. Now, that being said, there is a lot of merit in sharing what God has done in your life with someone else if:

- you need the accountability  to keep from repeating the sin

-God places someone in your life that you could use your past to relate to in a ministry fashion

-if your past sin could affect a major relationship in your life in which it would be dishonest not to tell

Depending on the sin you are struggling with, there are some different support groups and such that meet to help people walk through the process of understanding forgiveness and accepting it for themselves. It’s one thing to KNOW that you are forgiven because the Bible says so but it is another to really accept and believe it for yourself. Try meditating on some different Scriptures that remind you of God’s love and your worth in His eyes. None of us are perfect…

Comment:  OK, I guess so badly we want to truly know we are forgiven.  He gives us forgiveness and then we don't accept it by living in the past.  We are such a tangible society that we wish we could see God put the sin we repented from through the paper shredder so that we know for certain that we are forgiven.  Could it be that we have not forgiven our self for the sin?  Could it be that even though we confessed the sin we still "rationalize" why we did it? And if we do that,  does that mean that we truly didn't repent it? I struggle with the difference between confession and repentance.  I know the difference definition wise, but can you have one without the other?  Can you confess it but not repent it? And if Yes, are we still forgiven?

Indulgences a way mercy is applied to sin's unseen effects

By Bishop Robert Vasa/Bishop of Baker, Oregon

BEND - While you are reading this, I hope to back in the United States. I hope to have returned safely from Australia and I hope to have had a very positive and uplifting experience with the Holy Father in Sydney. I hope all of these things because, as of the time of this writing, I have not yet boarded the plane for the southern hemisphere. As the time for that embarkation nears I find that I am more and more hopeful and possibly even a little excited. While I do not travel well it has been my experience that travel is enriching and rewarding. One of the spiritual benefits of travel is the opportunity to break out of some of the encrusted ways of thinking that can adversely afflict us. This would entail a fracturing of some of the provincial or "parochial" modes of thinking to which we are all susceptible.

This can entail a kind of "conversion." It requires an openness to God's grace, an openness to a fresh reading of the Gospels and an openness to the teachings of the Catholic Church. While travel is not absolutely essential to this conversion process it does seem to play an important part. At least a part of the Church's notion of pilgrimage is the physical action of going from one place to another, from one state of mind to another, from one spiritual state to another. The movement is symbolic of the spiritual journey which often coincides with the physical journey.

This year, from June 2008 through June 2009, has been designated by the Holy Father as the Year of Saint Paul. It is also designated as a "Pilgrimage Year" in that various churches both in the Diocese of Baker and in every diocese of the United States have been designated by the respective bishops as "Pilgrimage Churches." Here in the Diocese of Baker the churches include Saint Francis de Sales Cathedral in Baker City; Saint Francis of Assisi in Bend, the downtown Church; Holy Family in Burns; Saint Patrick in Heppner; Sacred Heart in Klamath Falls; Saint Patrick in Lakeview; Blessed Sacrament in Ontario; and Saint Peter in The Dalles.

Information has been sent to every pastor and occasional reminders will be generated throughout this Year of Saint Paul about the possibility of gaining a plenary indulgence on the occasion of a prayerful visit to one of these churches with the fulfillment of designated spiritual works including recent reception of the sacrament of reconciliation, reception of Holy Communion and prayers for the Holy Father.

There is perhaps some concern raised the moment the Church begins to make reference to "indulgences" since the concept is frightfully plagued by rumors, innuendoes, misconceptions, myths, lies and accusations. First, a definition: An indulgence is a remission before God of the temporal punishment for sins, whose guilt is forgiven, which a properly disposed member of the Christian faithful obtains under certain and clearly defined conditions through the intervention of the Church, which, as the minister of Redemption, dispenses and applies authoritatively the treasury of the expiatory works of Christ and the saints. The concept of indulgences requires an acceptance of the existence of purgatory since it is in purgatory that the "temporal punishment for sins whose guilt is forgiven" is worked out.

To some this may sound like forgiven does not mean forgiven at all. Perhaps examples will help. Imagine that you broke a window on purpose out of anger and spite. Imagine the subsequent sadness, sorrow, remorse and then a resolve to go to confession but the window is still broken. In confession the sin is forgiven but the window is still broken. The priest will indicate the need to make restitution for the broken window and you may well anonymously send $20 to the owner of the now broken window but the window is still broken. Then you die with all your sins forgiven and restitution having been made but the window is still broken. The need to fix the window which you broke is a part of the "temporal punishment due to sin."

There may also be some residual delight in having vented your spleen on your neighbor via his window and this too needs yet to be spiritually resolved. Imagine also the intangibles which may flow from your initial action. Perhaps the father comes home to find the window broken and wrongly blames and punishes one of his own children for the breakage. Who is responsible for that subsequent spiritual harm? Certainly the father is uniquely responsible but you have played an unintentional and unwitting part. The innocent child could well look at you and say that it was all your fault, and, in some sense, he would be entirely right. How do we make spiritual amends for all of the unseen and unintended consequences of our sinful actions? While responsibility to "make amends" is required, the truth is that it is impossible for us to have any genuinely accurate idea of the vast ramifications of our sins.

There is a science fiction theory known as the "butterfly effect" which posits that something as simple as a butterfly flapping its wings in South America impacts to the tiniest degree on the air currents and participates, in some miniscule fashion, in the formation or direction of a subsequent hurricane. Every sin participates in a real and spiritual "butterfly effect" for which the perpetrator of the sin is partially responsible. You will be thrown into prison (purgatory) until the last element of the debt is paid.

If the actions required to gain the plenary indulgence were merely perfunctory then this would seem to be rather "mercenary." One of the requirements, however, is an authentic freedom from any and all attachment to sin, even venial sin.

Now, being free from sin after confession is a lot different than being free from an attachment to venial sin. Yet the Church is quite explicit: "It is further required that all attachment to sin, even to venial sin, be absent. If this disposition is in any way less than complete - the indulgence will only be partial."

The pilgrimage to Australia will be spiritually enriching but your interior graced pilgrimage and your pilgrimages to your Diocesan "Year of Saint Paul" sites can likewise be opportunities for grace and conversion. Remember the "butterfly effect."

The Catholic Sentinel

Photo Hattip - Pierre Pouliquin

So I got grouchy. I haven't seen my husband for more than 5 minutes in the last two weeks whilst his eyes were open and his brain functioning. The boys are being boys . . . toddler aged boys at that . . . financially we're tight and emotionally drained.

The straw the broke the camel's back. Or the tiny little bitty undone deed broke the dam for waters of selfish jerkdom to come pouring out of me. I've repented and apologized to Justin via email . . . thats always awesome. Not really. But its over and done with and we talked about it . . . via email.

So I'm human, stuff is gonna happen. But I was thinking about how I could keep myself from getting to a point of such frustration that a missing can of Folgers could send me into attack mode. Where along my path of life do I start letting this crud build up in my heart. How can one day I feel like I've dealt with life poop quite well and then blow the very next morning.

Bitterness. Its a constant battle of mine to keep my grubby paws out of that mire.

If you have got bitter and sour, you will probably find it is because God brought you a blessing and you clutched it for yourself; whereas if you had poured it out unto the Lord, you would have been the sweetest person out of heaven. If you are craving spiritual sponges, always taking these things to ourselves, we shall become a plague; other people will not get their horizon enlarged through us because we have never learned to pour out anything unto the Lord. - Oswald Chambers from The Place of Help, 1024 R.

Thats it! I grasp, for myself, the things my very God has blessed me with. Instead of looking to HIM, pouring out my heart in worship and gratefulness . . . I get crabby cuz stuff just isn't panning out that day to my liking. But if my eyes were on HIM, recognizing the blessings in my life and holding those things up as an offering to HIM . . . how much I would steer clear of the mire of bitterness . . . a mire, by the way, that seems to follow me around relentlessly. We are not meant to walk around soaking up all the blessings God has for us and then holding them ransom. We must pour out . . . like the overused analogy of a pond . . . if the water quits flowing in AND out of the pond, it will become stagnant, good for nothing.

I don't want that. I want God to build me . . . shape me and mold me, continually using me in whatever I find my hands doing. Right now its raising two beautiful boys and growing a household, including my relationship with my husband. I have minimal friends right now and minimal outlets of volunteer-ism. I do enjoy being involved but I must find the purpose God has for the now . . . perhaps a time to just recognize and deal with some roots of bitterness and cynicism that HE's revealing to me . . . become better in HIM for what HE has for our future.

As a side note . . . worshiping, loving and continuously lifting Jesus up is my main "calling".  ...but there has to be evidence of that in my life.

If you wanna check out a good blog post on bitterness.

God Bless!

How many of us are carrying around heavy burdens that we picked up long ago? Oh you have gotten used to them. They have become sort of friends, familiar, predictable. They are just the way that you are. It may be that you call him chip and he sits there on your shoulder and every once in a while you pet him, and remind him of why he is there. Let's see, when did you first get your place on my right shoulder little Chip, my you have gotten bigger haven't you? You have gotten heavier too, you need to lose some weight! But you are my little chip and I keep you around because after all, if I let you go there will be this gaping hole on my shoulder. So what is the chip on your shoulder that has been so heavy for you to carry? Mind you, I am not trying to belittle your chip. I know he is there for a good reason, but I am wondering, how long are you going to keep him? I think you would be so pretty if I could see your face better-- you know, without chip getting in the way.

Now that I have probably offended nearly everyone here let me assure you that I have had my own chip to deal with. Honestly, I may have had my own bag of chips and each one had it's own ugly name. They were named things like “rejection”, “abandonment”, “people pleaser”... the list could go on but I think you get the point. They were all there for a good reason. Life was hard growing up. My Dad abandoned our family. He chose a can of budweiser and an 18 year old red head instead of our family-- at least that is the way I saw it. That is when I picked up the chip named abandonment and rejection. How could he leave us for that? Were we not good enough? “Jump on board little people pleaser”. I am going to have to be good enough for everyone else because I am afraid that they might leave me too. The problem is that I walked around with these chips for so long that they just became apart of how I dealt with life. I would assess situations and relationships through the lenses of rejection, abandonment, and pleaser.

To be honest with you I was pretty good at it. I had enough charisma to always be accepted by friends and family. My Great Grandmother would always call me the obedient one-- ahh stroke that people pleaser chip. My mom was always so proud of me. I honestly had so many friends at school that I would go home in junior high and wonder why all these kids wanted to hang out with me. That rejection chip would speak-- you better be funny, you better be cool, you better be a little adventurous or else they may not like you anymore. I was a 7^th grade mess. I was so popular but I secretly had these feelings of fear that it was going to all come caving in on me. I was going to be rejected. They were going to find out that we were poor and they would definitely not want to be my friend then. Oh gosh, how am I going to save the money for guess jeans so they will still want to hang out with me? I saved it, not sure how but I had my priorities straight. I was able to save every penny I got from birthdays and Christmas to dress myself in designer digs with a special spot on each should for the chips.

Probably the biggest chip that I carried on my should was religion. I loved God. I wanted him to be so happy with me. I tried so hard to be a good girl but to no avail. By the time I was in 8^th grade I had gotten into trouble. We had moved to Germany and I fell into a crowd that was into being a little naughty. I was crushed. I was always so obedient and could just see this staircase to heaven that I was making with every good grade, every dish washed, every floor vacuumed, every good deed I had done. I literally had this idea that I was trying to good deed my way to heaven. Ah, the chip of religion had me in the greatest bondage. I knew that I could not make it. I knew that for every good thing I did there was an equal bad thing. I was taking 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. What a mess. So here I am in 8^th grade with my bag of chips and my desire to be accepted-- pretty much by anyone, God, friends, my dad... And I was a mess.

It was at this point that God did a most miraculous thing. He saved my sister.  I immediately saw a change in her, she was joyful. I couldn't deny God's power.  We started to attend a new church. It was a little Baptist Church plant. Every week the pastor would invite people to salvation, he would say raise your hand if you want to accept Jesus. I knew I wanted to accept him. I knew that my staircase had hardly gotten off the ground and I was scared to death of hell. I didn't raise my hand. Chips were weighing me down. Then one night I was having a sleepover in my sister's room. She shared the gospel with me and all of a sudden that chip of religion was losing it's ground. God opened my eyes to his grace. He opened my eyes to the fact that I did not have to earn my spot in heaven. Amazing Grace. I was saved. I was not just saved and life as usual-- I was radically saved. I became Judy the evangelist. I went about it with passion. God began a love affair with me and my life changed continually over the next,... well it is still changing.

So I was saved and I said goodbye to my bag of chips. Well not really. And that is the problem. We get saved but we still have our chips. We still come to God with a mess on our hands and instead of offering it up to God we keep it to ourselves. Honestly, I think God is too gracious with us to attack every chip at once. Those chips have become intertwined into our emotions, responses, even our personality. I think he works through our issues in a way that is over time, thorough, and complete.

Today I want to ask you this question-- do you think God's grace is enough for you to manage to lay down those chips at his feet? I know for many people they struggle with believing that God is really gracious. I think when we carry chips on our shoulders long enough we get to thinking that maybe God has a chip on His shoulder. Maybe he is tired of us always messing up. Maybe he is weary of our missteps and is up there shaking his head that we are not yet perfect. I mean after all you may have been following God for a long time and you are not yet perfect? What is the problem. I recently spoke to a girl who was struggling to believe that Jesus's work on the cross was enough to cover her sins. She felt like her sins were too big for Jesus to be able to forgive her. She wore the chip of shame. How could God forgive me?

I understand the chip of shame. I carried it for a while when I was in college. I was so busy trying to please God and get the whole campus saved that I lost sight of grace. I was so busy serving God and so busy with school that I was begging God for strength to do it all well. One of my good friends told me “Judy, I am praying that God will give you a broken heart”. I thought she was crazy. I was like, Nancy, can you instead pray that God will help to lead these Bible Studies and do well in school? I was scared to death to have a broken heart. I had always been so tough, always put a good face on in front of others, and she was praying for a broken heart. Believe me when I tell you that God broke my heart. He went crashing in with grace and mercy, but he did do some serious chipping away at the chips along the way. The verse that became a constant comfort to me at the time was Psalm 51 “16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.  17 The sacrifices of God are ^[c] a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

God did not want me to come to him with all this stuff that I was doing for him to be impressed with me. He was not asking me to get 10 people saved a week and read a book of the Bible a day. He was sweetly saying to me, “Judy, I want your heart, broken and sorrowful, just as you are...” I was so free. I was so full of joy. God was not like my dad, he was not going to abandon me for another woman because I did not measure up. He was not going to reject me when he saw those broken places in my heart. He was not going to turn His head in shame over the sins that I committed. He was embracing me. I remember just sitting in a field on a dark, windy, October night and weeping before the Lord, and He was there, embracing me. Bringing mystery and grace to my broken heart. God was standing up in the middle of my chips and lifting them off my shoulders. The first miracle of setting me free from the fear of rejection and abandonment, God was assuring me, I will never leave you. I will never forsake you. I was receiving grace.

My friend, I don't know what your chip is. Do you struggle like I did with fear of God rejecting you because you are not enough or you are too much? Let me read this story to you:

Luke 7

Jesus Anointed by a Sinful Woman

36Now one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, so he went to the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. 37When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume, 38and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.

39When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, "If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is—that she is a sinner."

40Jesus answered him, "Simon, I have something to tell you."
"Tell me, teacher," he said.

41"Two men owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii,^[a] and the other fifty. 42Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he canceled the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?"

43Simon replied, "I suppose the one who had the bigger debt canceled."
"You have judged correctly," Jesus said.

44Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. 46You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. 47Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little."

48Then Jesus said to her, "Your sins are forgiven."

49The other guests began to say among themselves, "Who is this who even forgives sins?"

50Jesus said to the woman, "Your faith has saved you; go in peace."

This women got it. She got the point of grace. She heard Jesus was in town. He was having dinner at the home of an important man-- a Pharisee. She was not intimidated by the situation. She wanted to see Jesus. She did not care that the Pharisee hated her. She did not mind that she was not invited. She just went barging in there and ran up to Jesus. Tears in her eyes she fell at Jesus' feet. She must have known something about Jesus. She must have heard that he had done some amazing miracles. She had to see him. Not because she was blind, lame, “sick”, but because she was broken. She needed to receive the love Jesus had for her. Can you imagine how many men had “loved” her? Can you imagine the chips she carried on her shoulders? The ones that say she is unwanted, used, dirty, but those did not keep her from seeing Jesus. I am just amazed by her courage and her brokenness. She was approaching a holy man. She was approaching a man who was clean, good, pure, and she just slobbered all over him. She just broke down and drenched his feet and wiped them her hair. She was just a mess before Jesus. That's alright you know, you can be a mess before Jesus. He looks at her with compassion and says she is forgiven, saved, go in peace. Notice that Jesus did not itemize her sins to the crowd. He did not say I can give you forgiveness for this but not for this. He just declared her forgiven. He said her future will be peace.

My friends, lay down those chips before the feet of Jesus. Drench him with them. Allow God to break your heart and to do some healing. You have not out-sinned God's grace. You have not been so sinned against that your heart and emotions will be permanently bruised. You may think, I get it. My sins are forgiven. I know that God loves me, I receive His grace and Amen! Hallelujah! I rejoice with you that you are not living under the burden of your own sins, but are you living under the burden of another's sin? Do you believe God's grace is enough to heal those broken places in your heart that are there because someone has hurt you? Do you believe God's grace is enough for the one who hurt you? Do you believe His grace is enough to cover over the guilty one? Or, do you want revenge?

Imagine with me how the apostles felt when Jesus saved Saul and made him Paul. That is a little outrageous don't you think? I mean after all, Saul was there at their dear brother Stephen's death holding the coats of the men who were doing the killing. Can you imagine what that would have been like? Watching your dear friend killed by an angry mob throwing stones at him, calling him names, hating him, and seeing Saul just standing by nodding his head, looking satisfied. That is the guy that Jesus has just saved and has called to be an apostle? In fact in Acts 9:26-27  it says

“26 And when Saul had come to Jerusalem, he tried to join the disciples; but they were all afraid of him, and did not believe that he was a disciple. 27 But Barnabas took him and brought him to the apostles. And he declared to them how he had seen the Lord on the road, and that He had spoken to him, and how he had preached boldly at Damascus in the name of Jesus.”

How could God forgive Saul and give him a new name? How? Through the blood of Jesus Christ, why? Because that is what God does. He takes really messed up people and does mighty things through them. Saul was an accomplice to murder and a hater of Christ. That is alright, not too much for Jesus to handle. He knocked Saul off his horse. He forgave him, he redeemed him. How about others in scripture who have similar track records. King David was an adulterer and a murderer, and yet he was called a man after God's own heart. David had a broken heart before the Lord and God forgave him. God forgives. God extends grace, and so should we.

You know the Lord's prayer is very dangerous. It says forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us. Wow-- do I want God to forgive me the way I forgive others? Um... probably not, that means I can't hold anything against some one. That means I have to let them off the hook, but what they did was so painful, yes, but what I have done has cost a great deal of pain to my God, and yet he has forgiven me. Matthew 18

21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"

22Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.^[

That is a lot of forgiveness. That is what God asks of us. I have been forgiven much, I must love much.

I don't want you to think that this thing of forgiving others is easy. It is actually a really tough trial. I also don't want you to think that it is just a matter of your own strength and determination that will help you to forgive. No, it is a supernatural thing. God does it. He gives you the grace to forgive others. You come before him with a willing heart and he will give you the grace to forgive even the deepest hurts.

A couple of years ago my dad called me on my birthday. I was shocked because he had not called me on my birthday in a long time. He wished me a happy birthday and then asked me if I would read the scriptures at his wedding in July. I told him I would and cordially ended our conversation. I walked back to the dinner that Jeff had made me because it was my birthday and shockingly told Jeff that my dad called-- Over the next months I wondered what scriptures I should read at the wedding. I jokingly thought of reading some parables that were about people being slackers and showing up late. Then God did something in my heart. He showed me that I had unforgiveness for my dad and he was going to redeem that broken part of my heart. I thought I had forgiven my dad, and I did in my flesh and will. I had let him off the hook but I had also written him out of my life. Here was God doing a major work of surgery to remove that bitter root I had in my heart over my dad. He healed me. I repented of the feelings I felt toward my dad and God rushed over me with a powerful love for my dad. I never knew I could love him like that.I read the scriptures at my dad's wedding. And they were scriptures of blessing and promise that God led me to read. I also surprised my dad by praying for him and his wife during the ceremony. I prayed the kingdom down on them. I gave it all I had and I laid it at God's feet. It was so healing, so life giving. God will help you to forgive and he will heal your heart as you lay your chips on the table, or as the sinful woman did, you shower his feet with your tears.

I want to close with a story that has always been so powerful to me.

John 8

1 But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives.
2 Now early^[a] in the morning He came again into the temple, and all the people came to Him; and He sat down and taught them. 3 Then the scribes and Pharisees brought to Him a woman caught in adultery. And when they had set her in the midst, 4 they said to Him, “Teacher, this woman was caught^[b] in adultery, in the very act. 5 Now Moses, in the law, commanded^[c] us that such should be stoned.^[d] But what do You say?”^[e] 6 This they said, testing Him, that they might have something of which to accuse Him. But Jesus stooped down and wrote on the ground with His finger, as though He did not hear.^[f]
7 So when they continued asking Him, He raised Himself up^[g] and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first.” 8 And again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. 9 Then those who heard it, being convicted by their conscience,^[h] went out one by one, beginning with the oldest even to the last. And Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst. 10 When Jesus had raised Himself up and saw no one but the woman, He said to her,^[i] “Woman, where are those accusers of yours?^[j] Has no one condemned you?”
11 She said, “No one, Lord.”
And Jesus said to her, “Neither do I condemn you; go and^[k] sin no more.”
12 Then Jesus spoke to them again, saying, “I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life.”

What an amazing story of grace. The pharisees are so ready to pounce, even to kill a woman. They are so ready to take their vengeance on this dirty, adulterous woman. They bring her to Jesus to test Jesus, to see if they can get Jesus to condemn her or to see if Jesus is going to stone her. They are an angry, calculating mob. She is a frightened, guilty woman. Totally humiliated, full of shame she stands there half naked in front of a crowd of blood thirsty men, and in front of Jesus. I love Jesus's response. He bends down to write in the dirt. Certainly that is not what the pharisees expected. Then Jesus throws a wrench in their whole plan. He drops the bomb- let the one without sin be the first to cast a stone. A heaviness falls on the crowd, and eldest to youngest they drop their stones and walk away. And Jesus is left standing there with the woman. He is the only one able to throw the stone, but he says he does not condemn her, and gives her leave to go and sin no more.

We can find ourselves too often in this passage. At times we are the woman, at times we are the pharisees, at times we are the crowd just watching in bewilderment. Here is the challenge, the woman was guilty. She could have stood before Jesus and said, “stone me, I deserve it”. She could have argued for her just punishment. She didn't. She accepted grace and walked away. The pharisees could have thrown that stone, but they didn't because they knew they had sinned. Let's be like them. Let's accept the grace of God as sufficient for us and for those who sin against us. Let's receive grace to heal our broken hearts and lets extend grace to those need it. But ohh, you may say the pain of betrayal runs too deep, I can't forgive- but God's grace is enough. Oh, I have sinned too often I can't be forgiven-- but there is grace. Paul says in

2 Corinthians 12: 9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

His grace is enough. Lay your heart at his feet. Know that He loves you. Know that He will give you the grace to love even your enemies. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, how even saying his name helps us to remember that He is enough.

you see, my heart was tremendously shattered few weeks ago with a relationship that i had for almost a year with him.. after that incident, he starts to write a blog about his life.. about what happen to him in his past and present and also on a few other issues on whatever he feels like saying in his blog.. i always enjoyed his writings.. we have not spoken with each other after what i found out about him.. i have all kinds of feelings mixed up in me when he didnt even want to talk to me.. until one day i wrote him a long email.. thats when he replied to it and apologize for all that hpnd.. but thats only his replied emails to me..

since then, i've been reading his blogs.. trying to understand him.. coz thats the only way for me to know how he feels, what he thinks until today.. he;s been writing everyday.. but not today.. it makes me wonder... maybe there's a possibility that he has given up? coz i know he's the kind of man who easily gives up in life.. maybe this time he really have given up hope in "us"..

i do love him still but how am i suppose to accept him without hvg any doubts after what hpnd? i've always made it easy for him.. by juz saying sorry, i forgive him for not giving attention to me..not being there even on my birthday.. i was with him thru good n bad times.. but i never get anything in return.. i'm not asking for any material things.. NO!.. juz a little tender loving care from him and his time.. unfortunately, this time its about him hvg another affair.. how can i accept him again unless he really shows me that i'm the one.. which i doubt he will do it..

i always pray for the best for us.. people make mistakes.. i can always forgive but its too difficult for me to forget.. but at the same time i still hope for him to actually come n confront me about everything.. i'm still waiting for him to come on his knees begging me back.. how i wish its not only in his blog.. but now he's not writing anymore.. i guess i just have to let things be as well and move on..

i ain´t what i should, i ain´t what i´s going to be, BUT THANK GOD I AIN´T WHAT I WAS!

<snip>

You know, Peaches and I really love each other.  I love Peaches more than I’ve ever loved another in my life.  She says the same is true of me for her.  We have this odd habit sometimes of talking too much about our old relationships.  It was a lot worse in the beginning of our relationship, when we were still getting to know each other.  It’s better now.  I’m really not sure why I have a hard time hearing about her ex’s. 

Besides not liking to hear stories about things she did with past partners, the thing I do that’s most destructive of all is that, at times, I’ll dwell on the things Peaches has told me about her ex’s, especially sexual stories.  There’s obviously no value in dwelling on things that make me feel bad.  If I let it, it can become obsessive.  The only way I know to clear my head of bad feeling thoughts is to replace them with good feeling thoughts.  One of my favorite ways to flood my mind with good feeling thoughts is to do what I call a “List of Positive Aspects”.  I hope you’ll indulge me for a moment here while I do a quick list of positive aspects about Peaches.

So the way I do this is that I hold a subject in my mind (or write it down) and I ask myself 3 questions: “What do I like about you?  Why do I love you so much?  What are your positive aspects?”

Peaches:

~> She’s really just so beautiful to me, I love her red hair and the way she smiles with her eyes.

~> Peaches is a phenomenal cook, classically trained at the Western Culinary Institute of Portland, she’s a professional vegetarian chef and a highly skilled pastry chef; she keeps us well fed with the most fabulous meals.

~> She loves me with every fiber of her being, and just when it seems that one human can’t love another human more, she hits new heights of ecstasy in love with me.

~> She doesn’t yell; we can have disagreements, and even fights, without yelling or name calling or bringing up old past grudges.  She and I work very well together to resolve our differences at all times, and we work well together at bringing each other back into alignment with feeling good.

~> She’s smart; she can carry a conversation, and she listens with real interest when others (including me) talk.

~> She doesn’t run the streets; she’s there when I get home from work, waiting with a kiss and a smile, and she always comes straight home from work; I never have to wonder where she is.

~> She makes our house a home.  She’s so good about making things in the house beautiful, and picking up after us when we let things get cluttered; she loves being domestic, and I love her for that.

~> She likes to walk with me.  She looks forward to our 5 mile walks as much as I do.  She enjoys the benefits as her body gets stronger and stronger, and as her stamina gets more and more vibrant. 

~> She cares about her health and about her appearance and she maximizes the good things she does for her body, and minimizes the harmful things she does to her body.

~> She loves and cares about people.  She’s a genuinely loving soul.

~> She’s my perfect compliment, my counter note in a world of disharmony.  Peaches is my most perfect match and I’m eternally grateful that we found each other.

Okay, I’ll stop now.  I hope that wasn’t too awful for you.  I know, it’s sort of schmaltzy and sappy, and I could probably have done this someplace other than in a letter to you, but I’m here, and I’m sharing, and I’m in love, and I want the world to know.  Thank you for indulging me.

<end snip>

See why I love my pen pals.  They indulge me so!

XO,

K

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="455" caption="Photos by Me!"][/caption]

“As the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive”—your spouse. As the Lord “bears with” you, so you should bear with your spouse. The Lord “bears with” you everyday as you fall short of his will. Indeed, the distance between what Christ expects of you and what you achieve is infinitely greater than the distance between what you expect of your spouse and what he achieves. Christ always forgives more and endures more than we do. Forgive as you have been forgiven. Bear with as he bears with you. This holds for whether you are married to a believer or an unbeliever. Let the measure of God’s grace to you in the cross of Christ be the measure of your grace to your spouse. “

-John Piper

I love John Piper sermons. If I would reflect these attributes of forgiveness and “bearing with” in my relationships I would be a way more loving person.

WOW--the endlessness of God’s grace!  Meditate on that.

for more good stuff go to desiringGod.org

life begins with your track

submit and surrender

to the only Bearer

think, speak and forgive

you have to believe

cross the walls

leave the flaws
remember, walk and trust

out of dirt and dust

left will be eternal

and be embraced by all

I'd like to thank Shane and Chris for retelling the story we heard almost two years ago, about a gunman who walks into an Amish school in Pennsylvania to shoot and kill six children before turning the gun on himself.  Shane and Chris reminded us of the beautiful picture painted, before all of America and the rest of the world, of the Grace that  was extended to the family of the gunman.  The Amish families involved, not only forgave the gunman's family, they invited his family to attend the funeral of the girls who had been killed, they requested all relief money raised be shared with the gunman's family and then they attended his funeral.

What would happen in this world if our country decided to repond in this kind of way, when acts of terror are constructed against us?