It features the main character, Percy Jackson, who, in the book I'm currently reading, is fourteen. He is the son of Poseidon, the sea god. Monsters pursue him because he is a son of "The Big Three", Poseidon, Zeus, and Hades, the ones who swore off "demigod" children with mortals. The reason being that kids of theirs were deemed to powerful.

Well, you should buy the books for yourself. They're available at Target. There is way too much to cover. But I'm posting to an invisible audience here today to mention one interesting thing I learned as I am finishing the end of book three. Fatal flaws. In a conversation with Athena, goddess of wisdom, Percy was re-enlightened about fatal flaws. It is ONE flaw (maybe more if you're unlucky) of gods and all creatures, mortal and immortal, that can cost them their life. Now, in book two when Athena's demigod daughter, Annabeth told Percy about this, I was thinking something big. But, the unfortunate thing about fatal flaws is that they appear very minor and typical, and can harmfully go unnoticed for a long time. They're so normal that they are seen as good. Annabeth told Percy that her fatal flaw was pride. She feels she can do anything and is prideful in many of her events. It's fatal because her need not to back down from the pedestal (figuratively) she's made (and she inspires to be the best architect ever) can cost her to be killed or endure death or punishment not to look bad or wrong.

Athena's conversation got Percy to finally know about his fatal flaw: "personal loyalty". She said to him, '"To save a friend, you would sacrifice the world. In a hero of the prophecy, that is very, very dangerous."' '"The most dangerous flaws are those which are good in moderation."' That is absolutely correct, which doesn't seem like a surprise to be spoken by her. Now what she means is that, an everyday attribute of one's personality, if taken out of a moderate balance can get one in trouble. So I started thinking, what's my fatal flaw?

I was thinking, dominance, because I can be controlling for the sake of good intention and cause sometimes. But that wouldn't cost me to perish. I was thinking independence, because my need to be different causes me loneliness and suffering. What is it that can ruin my life? That was it. I stopped thinking of death, and what could kill me, and thought of life instead. My fatal flaw is... hope. I have a strong sense of hope in the form of dreams and aspirations, which leads to idealism. Silly huh? Everyone dreams. But I go WAY to far. When thought comes to mind, I dream it out first. I put everything into scenario form. I could lose weight like this; and I picture it in my mind. I could prepare for college this way, I can clean my room like this.

NOTHING ever happens. I dream and dream, but life stays the same. Even worse. Instead of losing weight, I have gained. Instead of getting organized, I've gotten messier. Instead of having a significant other, I am shunned, and have had failed relationships time and time again. I am dreaming my life away to nothingness and regression.

But there is always a solution in the problem. I am replacing thought with action. I'm avoiding the use of words such as have to, will, must, should, maybe, I guess, probably, and am going to, if over-dreaming up a scenario will be the result. Most times I toggle with good thought when I could be making a difference right now. I never write it down, or I will sit there dreaming until it is too late in the day to do something. Then I procrastinate to a critical level and give up.

Moderation is the key. It's ok to to have a good goal about something, but dwelling too much on the goal and what could be, instead of doing something about it is what's fatal.

So...
What's your fatal flaw?

"i'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. i make mistakes. i am out of control and at times, hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best" - marilyn monroe

peace, love, and new beginnings, XOXO, missfab.

I have struggled with my thing for the last 27 years.  It was an issue before,  I just did not realize its significance in my life.  My "thing" is food and my body.  I hate food, I love food.  I eat my emotions.  If you ask me what most of my family or close friends "thing" is I probably know because they have been dealing with "it" most of their adult lives.  Some "things" are more socially acceptable than others.  Some are easier to live with for those around us but our "thing" follows us around and effects every area of our life.  Without dealing with "it" it creeps back up.

I have lost weight, gained weight, lost weight gained weight.  I have been a size 4 and I have been a size 4x.  Socially the size 4 is more acceptable.  What I realize now is that at both sizes I was focused on my body and food.  They were no different on the inside so what I have found now, it never really has gone away, it just is another look, but the same "thing".   How I look is still an issue, it still plagues me and follows me whereever I go.  I am more socially acceptable now but on the side is still hounds me.

I was crying about my "thing" one time and telling Gog how I did not want this problem.  I could so clearly hear Him ask me, which other "thing" would you like?  I started going down the list, crossing them off one by one.  When I got to a sexual addiction I thoughts, well at least you would be having fun in your pain, but then I started really thinking of the destruction it would cause and/or diseases and crossed it off the list.  At the end there was no other "thing" I wanted. 

When I get upset with people because they hurt me again and again the same way over and over I wonder how could they do that if they love me and then the Lord reminds me, that is their "thing".  Because my "thing" has caused me so much pain and I so do not want it, it reminds me they don't want to hurt me, it is their "thing".  Their heart hurts that they cannot get it right and I realize who am I to not give grace and have compassion.  Don't get me wrong, I am still hurting and I want it to stop. I love them enough to confront their "thing" and not leave them there.  It is hard to keep forgiving myself for my "thing" and forgiving them for theirs.  Accepting someone, loving them like they are does not mean letting their "thing" go on, no, it means to walk with them as they battle the great big "thing" in their lives, loving them them unconditionally and putting on armor to do battle at their side.

So I ask, what is your "thing"?  Do you struggle accepting others "things"?  Do you think we can ever rid ourselves of it?  To some degree I truly believe we can have victory and conquer our thing, but we must first realize that our "thing" is just the outward manifestation of something much deeper.  I am asking God to show me how to get past the wrapping of my "thing" and get to the root.

Once upon a time, there was a water bearer, who had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you. I have been able to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.

Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said. The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.

I began thinking...people are like rocks. Some are shiny and pretty on the outside, but have no depth...no substance on the inside. Some are rough on the exterior, but precious on the inside. Like rocks, you never know what you've got until you really get to know someone.

The problem with this is we often become too judgemental and make entirely too much of someone's flaws. Now, I know we should be careful with who we allow into our lives, but let's be real people...we all have faults...none of us are flawless.

So, here's what I've learned this week from Jake: each of us is a treasure! God has placed within you and me His Spirit. We are gems...priceless...special...unique to our Maker.

Let's look at each other through the eyes of a child.

1) Bateria tine putin. Ei bine, normal ca tine putin daca nu stii sa economisesti. Daca tii toate chestiile deschise, asculti si muzica si intri si pe internet, se duce in cateva ore. Dar daca inchizi GPS-ul, 3G-ul, bluetooth-ul cand nu ai nevoie de ele si deschizi display light management, o sa tina bateria mult mai mult. Asa ca, economiseste inteligent daca vrei sa nu se duca bateria .... Cei de la Cnet au facut cateva teste. Va voi prezenta rezultatele cu 3G si Wireless dezactivate: muzica: 31,4 h, video: 3.5, vorbit la telefon: 8.1 ore normal, 5.3 prin 3G. Cu 3G si Wireless, rezultatele sunt mult mai mici.

2) Nu are Java, si Flash. Java? La ce iti trebuie Java la iPhone? La telefoanele obisnuite, Java folosea doar la rularea unor programe si jocuri luate de pe internet, si bagate in telefon. la iPhone, toate aplicatiile vin de la AppStore, si nu necesita Java. Asa ca de ce ar mai baga Java? Are doar JavaScript la internet. Cat despre Flash, desi nu este integrat inca, mai mult ca sigur va fi disponibil cu urmatoarele update-uri de soft.

3) Memoria nu poate fi marita, adica nu exista slot de card. Raspunsul meu? Cat de zgarcit poti sa fii?!!? 8 GB nu sunt de ajuns? 16GB NU SUNT DE AJUNS? Sa fim seriosi, majoritatea telefoanelor din ziua de azi au maxim 4GB asa ca 8GB sunt mai mult decat de ajuns.

4) Camera este de doar 2MP, si nu exista inregistrare video. Recunosc, 2MP nu e asa mult, insa calitatea pozelor este foarte buna. Despre inregistrarea video, probabil stiti si voi ca niciun telefon nu inregistreaza bine filme.

5) Nu are tastatura fizica(butoane adica). Nici nu comentez asta in detaliu. iPhone-ul in sine este definit de ecranul MARE cu multi-touch. O tastatura fizica ar fi facut telefonul banal.

6) Nu are copy-paste. Asa o fi, insa probabil va fi disponibil la urmatoarele update-uri de soft. Daca nu va fi, obisnuiti-va, nu mai fiti asa lenesi, lol.

7) Nu are stereo prin bluetooth. Adica, atunci cand folosesti un handsfree wireless, prin bluetooth, nu ai sunet stereo. Si ce? Daca vrei muzica, folosesti naibii castile se aude mult mai bine iar daca vorbesti cu cineva, de ce vrei sa il auzi stereo?

8) Nu are MMS. Si? Cine foloseste MMS. E prea scump si inutil.

9) GPS-ul nu ofera directii "turn-by-turn". Adica, desi are GPS, si poti sa te iei dupa el ca sa ajungi undeva, nu iti ofera indicatii la fiecare strada, ca un gadget GPS adevarat. Oameni buni, este totusi doar un telefon. Folositi GPS-ul care il are, e destul de avansat, nu fiti asa fitosi.

10) Nu poti sa trimiti un SMS mai departe. Il scrii iar si rezolvi problema.

I finished the top of the case a couple weeks ago. The only thing I have to do now is the finishing part and putting it all back together. I haven't yet because I need a tack rag (which I know yes, I can make myself..) and I need a couple of foam brushes (no brushmarks, yo.). But I'll get to that. What I wanted to talk about really, is this point. This point in any project where all that's left is the finishing. and once the finish goes on, you're kinda stuck with what's underneath it. So you're looking over your project and NOW, this moment, is the one where you're looking at it with a super critical eye to see if there's anything you should do over again. You're looking for something that needs fixing. You're looking for flaws.

Don't get me wrong. There are times when things really should be flawless. Those times certainly exist. If you're making a new piece of furniture, custom, from scratch, for sale. Flawless is good. But recycled furniture is not about flawless(neither, btw is restoration.) It's just as much an art project as a design project, if not more so. You need to be able to see those flaws, own them, and for the most part, unless they're minor touchups, be able to let them go.

This is really, really hard for some people- self included, though it's even harder for people who are very detail oriented. They get lost in the bark of the tree, when the forest is all around them waiting for them to get on with and over themselves.

"Oh SURE, it's easy to say that- it's not your project with all these errors and mistakes in it... You're a professional!"

But it is. And I am. And I'm going to prove it.

So we have this project, right? You've watched as it's slowly come together over the summer. Okay, great. And now we're at this moment. The one before the finish, where if you're going to fix something, now is the time. Other than minor touchups? I'm not fixing the following things:

I'm not fixing the fact that this mosaic circle is cup shaped, when it should be flat. This is the result of the chisel not being sharp enough.

I'm not fixing the fact that this "circle" is supposed to be round, and isn't. (see: chisel.)

I'm not fixing the evenness of the grout on the right top quadrant of this circle.

I'm not fixing the fact that this circle isn't flat.

There's nothing wrong with this one. Actually, it's near perfect, which illustrates how imperfect those others are.

I'm not fixing the fact that the purple circles are splotchy, and the black is darker and less painterly than I'd like.

I'm not fixing the fact that that drawer up there? Looks different than the door front below:

Or that this side:

Is not like that side:

Because perfection simply isn't necessary here. Flawless isn't really important (though I would love to get a flawless *FINISH* on these, I know better. I have cats.)

So I'm going to get some brushes and a tack rag and forgive this piece (and its maker) their flaws. No one else was ever going to care about them anyway.

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the masters house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his masters house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. “I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you.”

“Why?” asked the bearer. “What are you ashamed of?”

“I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your masters house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don’t get full value from your efforts.” The pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, “As we return to the masters house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path.”

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again the Pot apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, “Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pots side? That’s because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you’ve watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my masters table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house.”

Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But if we will allow it, the Lord will use our flaws to grace His Fathers table. In Gods great economy, nothing goes to waste. Don’t be afraid of your flaws. Acknowledge them, and you too can be the cause of beauty. Know that in our weakness we find our strength.

·        They hide fat behind unattractive facades that lack class—for example, sweatshirts or masculine clothes.

·        They try to restore their former star quality by shifting into clothing too young for their age.

·        They squeeze into too-tight clothing and compensate with sexual suggestiveness.

·        They disdain what men appreciate by appearing plain, sloppy, dirty, ragged, tasteless, masculine, anti-culture.  

Poor packaging appears cheap; it reduces product quality in appearance if not fact. Extra fat isn’t necessarily the turnoff. It’s her appearance in clothing so inappropriate that it reveals desperation more than anything else.

For example, and only that, a well-groomed woman wearing the tent-like muumuu can easily stir masculine imagination. The hunter-conqueror male nature is attracted by and becomes curious about movement—especially female movement.

Muumuus hide flaws but display a bevy of mysterious movements that stir male imagination. His interest grows. Curiosity satisfied kills imagination, and muumuus don’t do that.

Poor product display doesn’t stir masculine imagination. It kills curiosity and stifles the search for more information.

Einstein said: “Imagination is more important than knowledge.” It applies to the battle of the sexes.

[More boob language appears at posts 253, 235, 220, 205, 188, 102, 98, 81, 52, 49, and 12. Search by the number followed by dot and space.]

The problem is, she doesn't exist. Well maybe she does, but certainly not in my house. In the interest of open and honest mommy-ing, here are ten things that make me a less than perfect mom.

1. Cleaning just isn't my thing. I really try. I can decorate the hell out of a house. But most days of the week if you come over there will be laundry piled high, clothes on the floor, paper work everywhere, etc.
2. I can't cook to save my life. Okay, I can cook a few things but I seriously have problems cooking meat. The problem is I don't know what I am doing so I will either serve you dry, chewy chicken or give you food poisoning.
3. I take too many naps, and I nap for too long. Sure, getting up at 6:30 to run is awesome, but not so awesome if you take a nap with the baby from 8 - 10.
4. My children get on my nerves. I love my children, unconditionally. But I think at least once a day "You are driving me crazy!" I then feel very, very guilty for this thought.
5. It's been almost 8 months and I still haven't lost the 30 pounds of baby weight I am lugging around with me.
6. My baby has fallen off the couch once and I dropped him once. I am pretty sure this makes me an unfit parent.
7. I cuss in front of my kids way too much.
8. I dress like a slob (I think this might be related to number 5).
9. I always "forget" to clean the litterbox - that's just nasty.
10. My "to do" list could, most the time, be called my "maybe do this is you feel like it and get around to it" list instead

DT 6:5, MT 22:37, MK 12:30, LK 10:27 Love God.
DT 6:13, PS 33:8, 34:9, 111:10,  IS 8:13, LK 12:5, 1PE 2:17 Fear God.
1JN 4:18 There is no fear in love.

PR 30:5 Every word of God proves true.
2TH 2:11-12 <- Heh, well, not every. (More: 1KI 22:23, 2CH 18:22, JE 4:10, JE 20:7, EZ 14:9 )

MT 16:28, MK 9:1, LK 9:27 Jesus says that some of his listeners will not taste death before he comes again in his kingdom. This was said almost 2000 years ago. (They have all tasted death)

MK 16:17-18 A believer can handle snakes or drink poison and not experience any harm. (Note: Many unfortunate believers have died as a result of handling snakes and drinking poison.) 

Note that Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John along with some other books are all included above...

The Pope is supposed to be divinely guided. Popes have made many mistakes. (See: Crusades, Inquisition, et al) The Biblical authors are supposed to be divinely inspired. The Biblical authors have made many mistakes. Not only have the authors made mistakes, though, but also the group that chose which books were worthy for the Bible itself. Further, I'd wager that at least some of the innumerable copyists who edited the Bible over thousands of years have written some things incorrectly. I also think that if there were inspired gospels, it is highly possible that some might not even be in the Bible for the reason stated above.

So what to do when part of the Bible is wrong, part is missing, and another part is up for debate over its interpretation? Read it for ideas about how to believe in god yourself, if you do believe in god. Don't cling to it and look to it for reasons to condemn gays, smoking, gambling, and wearing earrings. Form opinions and stances for yourself, and don't be afraid to be different than the book or even the church itself. I'm sure an all-loving and compassionate god would understand, given the circumstances.

I have not yet tried the steps provided in this blog, but this is not the first time I have heard or read about how a restore to factory defaults does resolve some of the issues that most iPhone 3G users are seeing. If you have tried this, then please do let me know how it went and what your results were. I will post an update later today after having given this procedure a try myself.

ps: Why oh why do apps purchased via the iPhone not end up in my iTunes Apps Library? Come on Apple, simple flaw!!!!

Die meisten der Fehler sitzen sogar so tief in der Architektur des Systems, dass Sie nicht mit einem einfachen Patch behoben werden können. Der häufigste Fehler ist eine fehlende oder falsch eingesetzte SSL-Verschlüsselung,. Zum Beispiel wird teilweise zwar ein sicherer Login-Server verwendet, dieser ist allerdings mit einer unsicheren Website gekoppelt. So ist es für den Kunden nicht einfach zu unterscheiden, ob er sich gerade tatsächlich auf der Seite einer Bank befindet oder Opfer einer phishing-Attacke wurde. Vor allem über die WLAN-Verbindung beim Anwender zu Hause sei es laut der Studie relativ einfach, den internetverkehr auf eine gefälschte Seite umzuleiten.

Jeder ist selbst für die Wahl seines Passwortes verantwortlich, allerdings benutzen viele Personen trotzdem noch relativ unsichere Passwörter. Die Universität in Michigan riet deshalb, sich ein möglichst langes und zufälliges Passwort zu wählen. Zwar wurden die Forscher bereits 2006 auf einige dieser Sicherheitsprobleme aufmerksam, doch wird sich vermutlich bisher nichts an der fatalen Lage geändert haben.

However, these expectations of students often stumped educators in their tracks, because most of us do not know what to say or do. Some of us might like to offer some insights to students but do not know how to go about doing it. Personally, I feel that the best gifts for students ultimately lie in the words of encouragement that we give them every single day. However, towards the end of the semester, I make it a point to provide personalised comments to them to enable them to work on their strengths and improve on other aspects that needs to be improved on. Why personalised comments, you might ask. Well, students are unique and distinct individuals with their different learning and communicating styles. In the same way that some individuals prefers customised furniture to adorn their houses and tailored clothes for a better fit, educators should be encouraged to commend students individually on how they have done for the past semesters.

Here are some insights as to how to go about doing that:

• Include encouragement: I feel that students, educators or any individuals take well to encouragement. Unfortunately, this is seldom given by others in this time and age. Although we should not look to others for validation, encouragement is often a morale and confidence boosters to not only students, but all of us. So, as educators, we should lavish praise on students (but not to the point that students will abandon humility for complacency).
• Avoid criticism unless absolutely necessary: Considering the fact that criticism is not always welcome by others, we should steer clear of it but in the event that it is absolutely necessary to inform a student that something has to be done to improve his or her academic grades, "areas for improvement" will be a more appropriate euphemism to use. Even then, I feel that the "praise-first-and-criticise-later" approach almost always works. Alternative, the "encouragement-criticism-encouragement" (where criticism is expressed between two aspects of encouragement) method works equally well as well.
• Acknowledge the students' contributions: I believe that most of us like our presence and/or contributions to be acknowledged by others, and our students are no different. While we should consistently acknowledge their contributions in class, it's still best to summarise their contributions on an individual basis at the end of the semester as well.
• Tell the students that it's great to have them in your class: In the same way that a host will thank a guest for gracing the event with their presence (which usually lasts an evening), thank the class for being such great learners (considering that it's more than an evening; it's a semester!)
• Wish them well in their studies for subsequent semesters: As educators, I think that our support for our students does not end with the closure of the current semester. Even though we might not be the ones guiding the students for subsequent semesters, we still wish them well. If you share the same sentiments, it will be great to conclude your message to them by wishing them well in their studies for subsequent semesters.

I believe that nothing pleases an educator or a student more than a sincere expression of gratitude and thanks.

Like MD and I have this conversation on the level that in a romance novel, we would have left our lives behind and rode off into the sunset to be together forever without regard to anyone else. We talk about anything and everything, and I can tell him anything and he will have a general interest in it. And he is the only one I can talk to about K and that huge thing in my life. And I brought it up again today, regarding a dream I had, and he responds (this is all through instant messenger during work hours mind you) "i dont get it. what does he have that I dont?"

If he would have ripped my heart out and threw it in a pit of molten lava it wouldn't have hurt as much.

And it shouldn't hurt, b/c here I am, talking about an affair I had that I wish I could forget, to a man that i frequently have way too deep conversations with for him not to be my husband....

And I told him point blank "nothing, you treat me better than he would ever hope to. I dont regret anything I have ever done with you. I wish my entire relationship with him would have never happened. doesn't that say anything? everytime I get wrapped up with him I get hurt. last week I asked him to please respect me as a friend... and he then ignored me. he is half the person you are"

And I meant every word. And its so funny, MD can be so self conscious and vulnerable, but I love that about him... I dont mind reassuring him every week why he is amazing and how much I wish I could have him all to myself...

And he tells me he shouldn't be jealous of K. And I tell him I'm jealous every time he gets a new girlfriend. And that I think way more often than I should about what it would be like to be with him... and then I feel stupid and apologize. And he says my name, and says "I think about that all the time" And my heart just melts into a pool on the floor. Even typing, when he types out my name and then says something, its so genuine and sincere and I can just hear him saying it... And it sucks SO bad and it makes me want to be with him more than I can almost bear... And I ask "So what do you do?" And he doesn't have an answer either... and I didn't expect him to. There is no real answer.

So what do you do? Sometimes I think that i have found 2 people that I can love and be with forever... But then how do I really know? Is it so terrible? Why did I even have to meet MD in the first place? But then I would be missing a piece of my life... b/c he is one of my best friends and we lean on each other for so much...

I know there are so many flaws with this... it is an emotional affair... at least it is not physical... probably only b/c he now lives 4 hours away... but emotional is just as bad... And we are not always like this - we can have the greatest strictly platonic conversations over and over and then BAM we will have one of these and it will seem to set me back 5 years on the spiritual and purity scale... And at the same time I never try to stop it. Its a vicious cycle....

And I try to think as a friend once told me about K: "What does he have that D doesn't? That is what you are drawn to and you need to figure that out and see if you can get it in D." And she was SO right... And I'm not sure if this is the right answer... but I think what MD has that D doesn't is baggage. That sounds crazy... but I really think that is it... b/c he has lived and experienced things... and dealt with loss and anger and bad times and good times and everything in between. And I think that is D's biggest shortfall... he has always had it relatively easy... living at home until getting married, never trying a single ciggarette, only getting drunk once (at his bachelor party).... And I think from that stems this high expectation of people... and he can sometimes expect so much of me that I can't keep up... And I've told him over and over that sometimes he can make me feel like I can't do anything right / like I'm a child / like I'm just stupid. And he has done better... but still has his moments.

But MD, I dont have to pretend... Its like he thinks the world of me for exactly who I am and there is not one thing I have to change. He is flawed and therefore understand others' flaws. And that is what I find so attractive....

So what? As my teacher would say... what does it all mean? I love D to the depths of my soul... so do I take my experiences and try to apply them to my marriage? I can't ever expect to change a person to fit my needs... do I expect less? What is the point of this whole journey that I can't seem to go forward on but keep getting stuck in the same spin cycle?

• You are afraid of losing the person (she might die or less important, she might go away)
• You always try to please the persons (and someone not please yourself)
• You want to be with her at every moment (even though you know it might be impossible)
• Waiting for her to come is unbearable and moments with her are too short
• You are always anticipating her wants
• You are never tired to satisfy her wants
• You like to listen to her
• You like to look at her
• She might not be the most beautiful but even though you prefer her to other models
• You walk near to her on the road to be the nearest possible to her (you might also take hands for the same reason)
• You cannot bear people talking bad of her
• You never see (or make as if) her flaws
• You prefer to see her qualities
• You listen to her, to her problems (and never never never make fool of her problems)
• You never say to yourself you love her (because you know you love her)

It is not the exact list I wanted to make, I was looking for tangible (material) symptoms for how to know you love her but I think I've made it a little personal. We've got our personal reason that tells us that we love this person or not, we should listen to these reasons instead of trying to get these reasons on a website, blog or internet. It is inner and only you can reach these reasons...

Go on guy and girls, read your inner you and Cheerio...

So I'm reading this book again for the second time, and every time I read it, there are times when I'll just stop and pause and think about how a certain passage relates to my life, or I'll just think about my own problems. And I could never really figure out why this book made me dwell so much on my own shit, but it's because I realized that people are drawn to other people with similar issues. Like interests, but instead, its your problems, and your fucked up emotions that bring you together.

Take Red and I, for example. The reason we're such good friends, and have such a strong bond is because we've shared some of the darkest, most intimate tales with each other. Its almost like slicing each others knuckles, and then pounding your fists together. We're like sisters now, because of everything we've been through together. Blood is thicker than water, after all...and god knows we've bled enough. 

But really, this book is the probably the most honest, disturbing, inspiring, and hopeful book I've ever read. I would most definitely recommend it. 

There's another thing about this book too. I feel a very strong connection to Nikki Sixx, because of this book, despite the fact that we have no idea who the other person is. But I think its because honestly, I see myself in him, in the possible future. I know how weak-willed I am. I've come face to face with that realization lately, and it's scary. I know how easily I give in, and I know how out of control I really am. Already in my life, I've gotten wasted, done weed, smoked cigarettes, and taken painkillers in excess. And its not good. I see myself becoming this man's nightmare.

We always tell ourselves when we're young that we're never going to be something, right? Like, say your dad is an alcoholic who beats your mom. And you tell yourself, "I will never be an alcoholic because of what its done to my family" and some people stick to it. For some people, the thought of drinking that bad, and losing that much control, it makes them sick. But then there are the others who have the Alcoholism printed directly into their pre-disposed DNA. They start to drink to "ease the pain", and what do you know, in the future, they become their father, beating their own wives, like they said they'd never do.

All I'm saying is, don't promise yourself things you know you won't keep. Even if you're fierce about it, even if you're stern, the demons will always come back to challenge you once again. And you can decide whether or not to honor the promise you made. 

After all, I used to tell myself I would never smoke, drink, and do drugs. I even tell myself now, "Oh, I'll never do cocaine, I'll never do heroin..." But there's always that chance that you'll become a liar, not only to everyone around you, but to yourself.

We as humans are much too unreliable when it comes to speaking truths. 

That's what I'm afraid of.