We used to talk every day on the phone and I haven't heard from her in over a month. Its like why did you even ask me to be your friend if you aren't going to try and I am the one making all the effort? I'm Tired. So tired of trying so tired of her lies. Yes LIES. She lied. She told me she loved me and wanted me and then turns around not even a couple months later and has "Feelings" for a GUY. It turned my stomach to say the least to know how little I really meant to her. How much of a joke I was and how she must be laughing at me. I could just be jumping to conclusions since I am good at that but I need to know. I need to know so I can do my best to pretend she doesn't exist anymore so I can be ok with me for a little while and not cry everytime I see her picture I need to be able to breath without thinking to myself every word was a straightfaced lie that everything that happened between us was a joke to share later on down the line. I NEED to know why she wouldn't put her whole self into what we had even if for so short a while. I need closure so I can say goodbye.

I am very angry right now.  I hoped this was something I would get over by now.  But I am afraid it is still as fresh as the day I brought her home.  Right now if she was home,  I would be looking after her, or she would be napping and I would still be asleep.  But as soon as the baby is taken out and without me,  I can no longer sleep.  And have to get up.  And by then I am pissed off!  So this morning I had to get up and vent about it.  And since I have no one to vent to,  I had to write it down.  Maybe some of you new mothers out there know exactly what I am feeling??  I hope so.  I don't like being alone in my house.  It doesn't feel right anymore.

Wake up people, wake up believers, rejoice in His glorious Name !!!

Stop thinking about yourselves and take a minute for others !!!

Think about what He did for us before what He can do for us !!!

I shall sign out now xx

I miss Khandi. I want my baby.

masoom si neend mein jb koi sapna chale
humko bula lena tum palko ke parde tale
yeh raat hain khwaab ki khwaab ki raat hain

kaanch ke khwaab hain aankhon mein chubh jayenge
palko mein le na inhe aankho mein ruk jayenge
yeh raat hain khwaab ki khwaab ki raat hain
phir wahi raat hain

Outside is so calm. Sky full of clouds with no stars and roads with few vehicles running. My neighbor doggies are all sleeping, as if they all are tired of working so hard in day time. If Aunt would come to know that I went outside this time, she would surely kick me out. But risk taking is also a fun! Hope neighbor's watchman hasn't seen me, otherwise tomorrow morning he will surely let Aunt know about this.......Let it be, I enjoyed the moment and smile has sticked my face with the strength of fevicol glue. Aaaah.......it was awesome outside! :)

Don't know, how come today I landed in dancing, that too at 12:30 in the night. Me with my fav partner, in mirror and then dancing on 'Khalbali- Rang De Basanti, 'Dil Se', 'We will Rock You'....... :) Don't know why I am completely reflexive towards dance.....

And now finally finish-off of 'A choice of Accommodations' (Jhumpa Lahiri's Unaccustomed Earth) is making me to end this time and go to sleep. It was lovely Night..........enjoyed every moment of it!

In the garden you're the gopher
In the Levi's you're the loafer
Like an overturned canoe
Well, I could do without you

You can go to Philadelphia
Take a hack to Hackensack
Hey, I'll never ring a bell fer yer
Or yell fer yer to come back

In the question you're the why
In the ointment you're the fly
Though I know some things are indefensible
Like a buck or two
If there's one thing I can do without
I can do without you

In the barrel you're a pickle
In the goldmine you're a nickel
You're the tack inside my shoe
Yes, I can do without you

In my bosom you're a dagger
You're a mangy carpetbagger
In the theatre you're the 'boo'
I can do without you

In the bullfrog you're the croak
In the forest, poison oak...

Those are the lyrics to "I can do without you" from the old Doris Day musical "Calamity Jane".

Sometimes... ok, frequently, I think I could really do without feelings.  They seem to have a strong skill for getting me into trouble, and no real use that I can see.  Oh, they can feel really good - especially with falling in love.  But how many relationships have gone south because they are ONLY based on feelings instead of logical things like similar personalities, similar goals, true compatibility...etc. Instead we get tied up in all of these "feelings".

The feelings I hate most, though, are the negative ones none of us like.  Hurt.  Anger.  Pain.  Jealousy.   I would say that in every instance these feelings are pointless.  I can see why Vulcan's decided to get rid of their emotions all together. I would too, if given the choice.  But no matter how much I hide my emotions from people of moderate acquaintance - I do let them slip with the people I love. I let those people know exactly how I'm feeling, for the most part.

But how does this solve anything?  How does this help?

Can humanity survive without feelings?  Would we be a better people if we relied solely on logic?  Or are feelings useful in some way?

Or, dear reader, are feelings not useful at all - except to make life worth living?

Don’t you just love/hate that hanging/floating “I am in a bubble” feeling? I do.

Not that I am at a point of commitment with anyone at the moment; However Bella sure did turn me away from looking her way.  

So… before I start…she is my neighbor so outside of some fun flirting I wasn’t really expecting anything substantial.  We have had some talks while the kids played….she called me to pick her and the kids up from the pool one day…we sat next to the pool and chatted. All seems very “friendly” right? I thought so. Among other things I asked her if she dated. Her response was a good one. It focused on the fact that she was unsure with all the stuff around her ex wanting to come back and all.  --- Well you should have seen the man who rolled up to pick her up last night. I am not the nosy neighbor at all. As I stood outside playing with my kids and tweaking some sprinkler heads…this very nice sporty Mercedes pulls up. Out of this car comes an older, fashionable, short man. I chuckled inside. He looked very well put together and typical of what you see in the suburbs of North Dallas when you go out. 

Well at first I was a bit taken back. Then I remembered wait…No expectations, right? Yes, no expectations. It means no reason to be disappointed. Yet, I was. I was disappointed that she wasn’t truthful.  If I am ever going to lie it isn’t going to be to the neighbor who lives across the street and can see my comings and goings. I am an adult…just be real and sincere.  

So this is a “Hanging in the wind” moment. One where your thoughts get ahead of you and you are out there like a bubble in the wind...wishing….hoping…and thinking higher!  Then *pop* the bubble bursts and you are back to reality.  

Reality is that we are neighbors/friends and that is a good thing for now.  She did send me a txt msg today: “Hi there. Just though you would want to know that your kids are at the pool and we came down here. They are having so much fun. J Happy Friday.” Me: “ Awesome! Enjoy the pool and your day off. Maybe I’ll see you around this weekend.” Hers: “Think we are going to BBQ tonight and have some friends over. You all are welcome to come over around 7 or so. I will enjoy the day and you do the same”. Me: “Sounds fun. Let me know what to bring. I am sure the kids will be on board.” Her: “J”  - BBQs are what neighbors do.

The way I look at it. You’ll see more of someone’s character in everyday life. If you watch closely you see a person how they really are…and not just when they are “putting on the show”.  

He climbed in bed and immediately reached for her; she jumped with a start as if scared half to death. “I want to have sex,” he boldly announced; to which she looked at him and laughed; leaving his question, “what the hell was that” hanging between them. She rolled over without a word, hugging her pillow tight, as he kissed the back of her neck and vowed to get her in the morning.

And so he did, the minute the first alarm sounded; reaching over and pulling her to him; hands desperately groping her still warm flesh; the weight of his body suddenly pressing down, taking what he believed to rightfully be his. His arousal spurred by selfish greed, as she twisted and writhed beneath him; the words of her friend suddenly ringing in her ears, “numb, baby, numb…” and so she became; still and motionless, barely breathing; watching his face as he hovered above, disdain filling her heart, as each penetrating thrust bruised her already wounded soul.

As a smile of satisfaction and accomplishment splayed across his face, she closed her eyes, turned her head to the side, and burned the image forever in her mind. The image of the man who promised to love and cherish, so blinded by his own unrelenting need and skewed vision of the truth that even though she lay beneath him, he had no realization that she’d already left the room.

She was no longer viewed as a person; with feelings, wants and needs of her own, but simply a possession, a plaything, a caretaker, a maid; and as she lay alone, bathed in dawns light, not wanting to be any of those things, a single tear fell from her eye, as she made a silent vow.

Jonathan Harris on TED

Also to access the site he mentions called "We feel fine", go here

I blame my mind for pulling me across that thin line.

The line between Truth and Lies.

It drags me into a world that creates the very words I speak.

My words are loud.

They rearrange themselves into sentences.

That line that I cross.

It creates my poetry.

My mind.

It hurts me.

It caresses me when I don't need it.

It stresses me when I am weak.

It scares me when I am afraid.

It helps me when I am fine.

This line I cross.

I don't need it.

I wish I could erase it.

But that would erase myself.

My mind.

It's the cause for my insanity.

This is a precedent writing of the new affair. Its about Armstrong.

Armstrong is a British guy, 45 years old, two kids, married at 19, re-married at 20, thus divorced/separated twice. Works in an IT company and holds a high respectable position. He rellocated to Australia for quite sometime now.

He is 6 foot tall, medium built with strong arms and good chest. Very smart, he has been working in the IT field and graduated as a computer scientist. He always dreamed to be a pilot. A frustrated but qualified Royal airforce pilot. It really does not matter to me if he drives or not but just a manifestation that he he likes cars, he drives a silver Porsche Boxter.

I started seeing him around June this year for brunch after his flying lessons. It was one of my very nice dates i can say with all the intellectual, meaningful and silly conversation. I was very comfortable talking to him. We had brunch afer which he dropped me off in my flat. After a week or so he did ask me for another date, we went to a Chinese resto, went back my place, had tea and talked forever. He discovered my TV was not working (well as a TV coming from overseas due to my ignorance!! plugs are different) and he promised he will make it work.

3rd date, he picked me up from work, and proceeded to my flat. I planned to cook dinner. Prepared dinner and he did ate it :D haha. Had tea and good conversation as usual. He was pleased with the dinner and yet have to leave as its a work day the following day.

Hellos and good byes from the dates were just usual kiss on the cheek and a hug. We ussually would talk about work. He opens up about his past without me having an effort to interrogate him. I myself try not to open up much of my personal stuff. I am not sure why I am in that dating website, was trying to keep myself busy and occupied after a break up with a bf (on a next writing). I only told Armstrong bout my longest relationship as he asked me which i am able to ask him back the same question. He had 3 years long relationship with an Indonesian girl but he ended it as he feels its not going to grow further. He told me he does think of just meeting me for sex but things changed when he got to talk to me. I remember him saying since the 2nd date that I am so nice. He does have this look in his eyes sincerely telling me i am nice but i want to fuck you!

4th date, i was coming from Melbourne and he is having his car fixed at the area where the airport was. And we did planned to have a date but he did not expect i was coming from Melbourne, well he did not know not until he rang me the morning of that day to confirm the schedule. So he picked me up and headed my area and had Japanese for dinner and we went home as he promised to fix my tele which still was unsccessful and yet another reason to come back and see me! We talked and had tea. Sitting on the couch, we were talking bout relationships and life and catching up why I did not tell him i am back for good. He was actually sulking bout it. And he did come close me and slowly grabbed my face close and kissed tenderly and slowly. I was just so mesmerized, his kisses were soft, sweet, slow. He literally took my breath away. It was a kiss that wasn't pure lust, it was passionate and slow. It was long.

He said i can not go grow closer to him. I need to protect myself. Which i have been doing eversince ive met him anyway. I am still coping with the hurt i had with DT, my past relationship since March.

So we just made out he have to go he said or he can not stop and will end up sleeping in my place. Well good choice as i was having my period that day. But from that time on he did kiss me i kept on thinking him more and more. Although my feelings changed i thought he would be a bf-to-be but he says he can not so i think its going to be just a fuck buddy set-up. It made me think and asked my friends Rachel and Sasha they said go for it. Of course my ex DT says no. (i know why would i still need to consult him?)

Because of this i thought of this project seduction. I never have been really a bitch girl friend. I am always nice and considerate and available and flexible to my partner. which i thought is not good to be like that always. I am going to make him WANT me badly. The start of the seduction continues ...

Bangalore trembles with serial bomb blasts

A series of bomb blasts took place in Bangalore in the afternoon today. The first blast took place at Madiwala checkpost, killing one and injuring several others. The total death toll has presently reached five.. 

I heard about this just a few minutes back, thanks to a friend back in India (Guwahati).

It left me flustered. I kinda freaked. I check on Orkut, Facebook and Gtalk and all the people I know are safe.

I feel better.

I hope everyone's all safe n sound.

Links : IBN , Zee

So lost in the world, in the eyes, in time.  Who is she?  A mother, a friend, a drunk whore.  What's that light?  It's coming from her eyes...her soul.  Look closely, listen intensely.  You could hear it, even see it.  It's in there to be shown, to be seen, to be heard.  She's nobody.  Yet such a somebody.  Even a hero...to someone.  Do you think she enjoys fucking you?  She only enjoys your warmth through the night.  Don't flatter yourself!  It will be someone else next week.  There's no pain that way.  Just arms in the night and goodbye in the moring.  She won't even remember your name.  Get over yourself.  You think you used her?  Think again you bastard.

Damn, now that felt good!

       I finished The Perks Of Being A Wallflower just after eleven last night. In a way I was putting it off. Finishing the book. And as I got to the end, and read the final words, my heart was sad. Sad that there wasn’t more Charlie. Sad that there wasn’t more Sam, or Patrick, or even Mary Elizabeth. Sad that the letters wouldn’t be there to read anymore. And then I thought about the similarities to my own life, and it made me feel both happy and sad. And I remembered Denise Roma who was truly my best friend. And how we used to scribble pages upon pages within notebooks and exchange them via post. And how she sent me my first mixed tape, full of artists and songs I had never heard before. And how much I liked listening to the songs, and the melodies. And how I used to crawl into my closet, slide it shut, and listen to the music as I read through the scribbled pages she had sent. And all this time, her secret was safe with me.
       Scattered throughout the feeling infinite, were the sad and dark times. Times I try not to think back to. And in a lot of ways, it seems they outnumber the feeling infinite. I was naïve—and didn’t really understand things until it was either too late, or the damage had been done. That’s why I was so grateful when Denise came along. It was like for the first time, the world was opened up to me and I learned… and she learned… and we both learned from each other. And just as the world opened up to me, it was taken away. And that was that.
       It’s late, and although I’m not tired, I’m going to lie down anyways. I don’t know why I mentioned all the stuff above. But I need to leave it. I have my own reasons that I might get to in an upcoming letter. I just wanted to tell you that I finished The Perks, and that it’s great!

Love always,
Garrett

Happiness for me has always been just out of my reach it seems.  Not because others have not tried to make me happy.  They have.  It's the classic..it's not you, it's me.  I'm not only speaking in regards to relationships here.  It's been since I was young.  It's almost as if I have never allowed myself to be happy.  I wonder, though, how can a child not allow herself to be happy?  That to me just doesn't seem likely.  I've toyed with the possibility of having a true, clinical depression.  Not the kind of depression that is just a word overused by so many people today.  Medication handed out left and right to people that are "depressed" when the truth is they are unhappy, maybe had a bad day, broke up with an s/o,  spent a little too much money shopping, ya know?  I mean how can medicine fix that?    The word depression is worn as a badge of honor to many people looking for sympathy when so many others truly have it and can't overcome it.  I'm rambling now I guess.  It's hard to know the truth is all I'm saying when today people are paid to say such a thing that really isn't true.  How do people seperate true depression from sadness when it's a label given out so freely?