You have these supposed doctors (I'm not quite sure what they are) trying to convince you, the person lame enough to be watching an infomercial in the first place, to by their product--usually pills.  They tell you that your colon is clogged up and needs to be emptied (how they know about my colon, I'm not quite sure).  The answer to this problem is their new pill.  But oh no, it is  not a laxitive--makes you poop your guts out--but definitely not a laxitive.  The doctor(s) got very defensive when this subject was brought up.

I learned many other things about the (my?) body.  For instance,  if the colon is not properly detoxed on a regular basis the fecal matter that has not been properly disposed seeps back into the body.  It stays there hardening; the body tries to rid itself of the unuseful substance and sometimes it seeps at the skin.  Do you have embarrasing marks on your body?  Maybe you should detox!!

I figured I would go to the grocery store after my exam at three to pick up some food and some water, but I put it off to finish up the last of the work I had for my other class. As six-o-clock rolled around, I peeled myself away from the endless International News Communication podcasts and ventured to Harris Teeter.

I could see before I even pulled in the parking lot that mass hysteria had commenced. There was a brief line just to park. Once inside, people were running about everywhere, snatching cases of water off of displays and other various foods. I plodded around the bakery section looking for corn bread to accompany the dinner Ellis was making and watched the citizens of Greenville act as if this was the end of the world.

I called Ellis to inform her there was no corn bread, but that "people were fucking going crazy over this shit." She said she already knew.

After selecting a few other things, I decided I wanted to see what the water aisle looked like. I came face to face with the entire front wall of Harris Teeter that had completely been emptied in a typical Greenville Frenzy. One lone bottle stood by itself underneath the strategically placed Brita filters and the Perrier water was left on the end, forgotten and sparkling. Just as I was about to pull out my lovely pink beauty and take a picture of this, a man behind me asked if I was looking for water. I turned around and was greeted by him and another woman. I then proceeded to pull out the best attitude Cary taught me how to have.

"This is ridiculous. Seriously, people are going insane. It's just fecal matter in our water and it will be gone in 48 hours. I mean, hello, just buy a case of water, no need for 3 and 4, and then boil your tap water. Are we too lazy to boil water now and instead will be wasteful with plastic bottles?"

At this point the two innocent bystanders of my eruptive 'tude chimed in.

"Well, we don't know if it's just going to last two days. People just want to be prepared."

"I don't know. You know what, I'm going to buy a case, but I'm going to drink the fecal matter anyway and nothing is going to happen."

This is where I wanted to spout out, "This isn't Y2K (ugh...sigh.) or Hurricane freaking Fran. Everything is going to be alright." Instead, I walked away.

I took my case, Cheerios and Chex Mix (mmm...delish, definitely not on the post summer school be deliciously fit diet) and stood in line. An extremely tall black man lined up behind me and proceeded to tell some girl that he was going to get himself a bottle of liquor tonight instead of water.

I turned around and thanked him for being the only intelligent person in the store at that moment.

Fecal Matter people... boil your water, get over it. Life goes on. It was like that final "animal scene" in Mean Girls when the "girls have gone wild." RIDIC.

Zontar is writing today in hiding. Why, you may ask is Zontar, the omnipotent arbiter of the fate of the entire universe, the greatest mind which exists currently and for all time, cowering in some miserable hovel like a craven coward?

It is, dearest minion, because they are coming to get me! Who is they, one may ask? Is it the CIA, Homeland Security, INS, DEA, ATB, FBI, the Arkansas mafia? Zontar knoweth not with any certainty. What Zontar does know with absolute certainty is that he is in danger. Among other preternatural gifts he possesses is a danger meter which is embedded in his brain. Any time Zontar is in danger this meter is activated causing him to be on high alert.

Rest assured. Zontar is no pusillanimous poltroon. If it were just himself he had to be watchful for Zontar would not care if some thug tried to topple his omnipotence. But I have more than myself to worry about. I am worried about you my faithful reader. If Zontar were to be captured then who would enlighten you? You would be forced to live your life in squalid and abject ignorance. You rely on Zontar to open your small minds to the wisdom and truth which he gives to you.

What offense has Zontar committed to merit this persecution? It is not anything Zontar has done. Zontar has never broken any law! Zontar is only guilty of one thing: being a Xenonian. It is America's dirty little secret. In this enlightened age, all forms of racism are looked down upon except for one: being an alien. Aliens are treated like so much fecal matter in your so called "United States". Even Mexicans and Canadians are treated with more respect.

We cannot find jobs, housing, obtain sustenance all because of being born outside of this galaxy. This Xenonphobia must be stopped now!

Zontar has tried for years to become legal in your country, but the authorities will not allow it. Only 1 alien is allowed in every 25 years. Zontar became so desperate he obtained a false identification card on the black market.

Everywhere one looks you can see the evidence of this hatred of aliens. Even something as innocent as a child's toy is not exempt from the hatred.

When Zontar tries to get a job he is greeted with this sign in the employment office.

The most humiliating incident yet occurred yesterday. Zontar was out jogging when he heard the tell tale gaseous emissions which warn him that he must hurry as Zontar's fecal matter is ready to emerge. Zontar went to the nearest restroom and was greeted with this:

Upon entering the Aliens Only toilet I saw the final insult.

Aliens are treated worse than the maggots which feed on the flies which alight upon feces.

Not a pretty thing, is it Earthling? Neither is the plight of the illegal alien. Zontar urges you to fight against it in any way you can. Write your congressman, organize a protest march. Anything you can think of to help us, please do so.

If Zontar is discovered, he will be deported back to Xenon where he will be immediately executed. Do you want Zontar's blood on your hands?

Hail Illegal Aliens!

Hail Zontar!!

Zontar of late has been reading many hundreds of blogs and has been struck by the stunning variety of them. There seems to be blogs covering every subject imaginable, from the sacred to the profane, from the profound to the trivial, from those extolling one political viewpoint to those in favor of the opposite end of the spectrum. Of course, Zontar has not observed any other blog that could begin to touch his by any possible standard you could think of. But Zontar possesses an open mind and he is subject to the possibility, however remote, that any blog could approach the wisdom of insight of his sacred scribblings.

In Zontar's journey into the nether reaches of the internet, Zontar alighted upon a very curious subject for a blog: a personal diary. At first Zontar was aghast at them. Why would anyone wish to read the most mundane ramblings of a decidedly ordinary person ranting on about such decidedly ordinary events such as what they ate, drank, what time they woke up, what they watched on television etc. to the point where the reader is lulled into a state of ennui closely resembling a coma.

Some hours later, your faithful scribe awoke from a deep slumber with the most profound and deep insight. Zontar's initial impression of diary themed blogs was way off the mark. To arrive at the truth, sometimes Zontar takes several detours until he arrives at the destination of Wisdom.

Zontar realized that, even though these types of blogs may seem exceedingly tedious and dull, they actually are quite profound. What is life after all but a string of repetitive and dull actions which one tends to repeat every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade until one reaches the endgame of existence? All of these monotonous tasks have added up to ones life. The Meaning of Life is not found in any holy book or Learned Tome, nay not even in the profound musings of your beloved Zontar. Therefore there is nothing more deep and meaningful in the blogosphere than these diaries one finds littering the internet like so many dried dog turds.

Zontar, having experienced the above epiphany, was inspired to treat you to a day in his life. He presents it to you now for your amusement and edification.

9:41 a.m. Zontar awakens from a fitful night's sleep. Zontar suffers from the affliction of insomnia which is the curse he has to endure from possessing the most brilliant of minds. His brain is so highly developed that it can never be completely shut off. Insightful and original insights are always pouring forth from his psyche. Zontar continually awakes with these revelations and he must immediately put them to paper.

Zontar, however is not one to complain. His spirits are lifted immediately when he awakes by the sight of his beloved 29,323,452 wife Anorexia who is holding Sputum, Zontar's beloved new-born baby son.

Zontar's heart warms at this touching image of domestic bliss.

10:10 a.m. Zontar gets out of bed. He leaves Anorexia alone to suckle Sputum. Zontar goes to the toilet to relieve himself of the repast he enjoyed the previous night. To begin, Zontar emits a stream of decidedly loud, foul smelling farts. Zontar knows this is going to be a long session. For some reason roast glabrob binds up Zontar in a very painful way. Fortunately Zontar cogitates well upon the commode so it is time well spent. The most profound thoughts Zontar has had comes during the act of moving his bowels. After Zontar's bowels have been purged, he looks down to inspect his morning's work and remembers he still has to eat his breakfast.

11:33 a.m. Zontar leaves the bathroom leaving a lethal stench which would curl the average earthling's fingernails. For that reason no one else is allowed to enter Zontar's evacuation room. Any being who does not hail from Xenon will immediately be vaporized upon smelling Zontar's handiwork.

Zontar then goes to the kitchen to prepare himself a delicious breakfast of corned yak hash over potatoes. Zontar is a superb chef and thoroughly enjoys this splendid repast.

12:34 p.m. Zontar walks to the couch and sits down. He receives a phone call from his employer at the local car wash, asking if Zontar was planning to come to work today as he was due in at 8:00 that morning. Zontar said he was still thinking about it, and that he would get back to him. Zontar was then unceremoniously and summarily fired. Zontar thought nothing more of it as he is above such petty concerns.

12:58 p.m. Zontar turns on the television to catch up on the news. Zontar watched a very interesting story about Hillary Clinton and her failed candidacy:

2:35 p.m. Zontar decides to take out his spaceship for one last ride. Zontar has been advised that it is being repossessed on the morrow due to a temporary cash flow problem.

Zontar decides to visit his old stomping grounds of Canada. There he enjoys a delicious luncheon of the national dish of that fair land, poutine:
Zontar's delicate constitution causes this delicacy to be retransmitted back to the bowl, ready for immediate resale.

Zontar then went to sample Canada's great cultural contribution to the civilized world:

Zontar then realizes he has dallied too long in the Great White North, land of maple syrup and excessive beer consumption. Zontar was concerned Anorexia would be worried. Zontar flies back home.

When he enters his domicile, Zontar looks at the clock.

:1:47 a.m. Zontar has had a long day so he wends his way to his bedroom to the waiting arms of Anorexia. An alien's life just can't get much better than this!

There you have it, my faithful minions: a typical day in the life of Zontar. I hope it was as fascinating for you to read it as it was for me to live it.

Hail Interminable Blog Posts!

Hail Quotidian Tedium!

Hail Zontar!!

Call me Zontar. You can find my blog here. Zontar welcomes all to click on his link, and I promise you will be sore amazed at the intelligence and wonder therein.

I was born many years ago on Xenon, a lovely planet in the Houyhnmian Galaxy, approximately 3000 trillion light years from planet Earth. I excelled in Dominoes as a youngster and was named top champion for all galaxies as a tot. I grew up into a beautiful young alien and married 34,223 beautiful wives, all of whom are extremely fertile and blessed me with 158,233 children.

Fecal Germ Magnets: Stop Ordering Lemon Slices With Your Drink

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By Debbie Schlussel

If you're like me, and you like ordering lemon slices with your drinks at restaurants, bars, etc., it might be a good idea to stop. After reading this, I won't ask for them any more. In fact, I'll ask that they NOT be used.

A science professors study of 76 lemon slices from various restaurants found that 53 of them harbored harmful germs, including those associated with fecal material. Poop in your drink? Eeuuww!:

Who knows whether these lemons have been handled using sanitary procedures? Anne LaGrange Loving, a professor of science at Passaic County Community College, decided to find out.

Loving began her investigation after she saw a waitress' fingertips dip into her soda as the drink was being brought to her table. Although lemon juice is known to kill germs, Loving devised a study to determine whether lemon slices contain germs when they are served to customers.Using sterile collection swabs, Loving took two samples from each of 76 lemons that were served in restaurants in North Jersey. Patrons normally start to drink a beverage moments after it is served, so samples were taken right away, before a sip was taken and before anyone at the table touched it. One swab was rubbed along the rind, while a second was rubbed along the pulp. The restaurants were unaware that she was doing this. Samples were then analyzed for microbes at a clinical microbiology laboratory.

A total of 25 different types of germs were found on 53 out of the 76 lemons that were sampled. Some were fecal in origin (either from dirty fingertips of the restaurant employees, or from meat-contaminated cutting boards and knives), while others were types commonly found in saliva, on the skin and in the environment.One sample had six different microorganisms on it, three of which are found in fecal material. Although some lemon slices had germs either only on the rind or only on the pulp, 29 percent had germs on both sites. In 15 instances the germs on the pulp were completely different from those on the rind, indicating that the pulp had been in contact with a contaminated surface as or after it was sliced. Sometimes when more than one lemon was sampled during a single restaurant visit, different germs were found on each.

Although there have been no reported outbreaks of illnesses attributed to lemon slices in beverages, every microorganism that was recovered had the potential to cause a variety of human infections.

This gives the saying, "Think before you drink," a whole new meaning. GUH-ROSS!

Posted by Debbie at February 29, 2008 04:12 PM

But a few weeks ago, as I floated up towards the surface, I became aware of a voice. It seemed to be concerned, yet excited. I couldn't make out the words at first, and even as I started to grasp the meaning of some of them, they didn't seem to make any sense. It seemed like the voice was really concerned about the level of… fecal matter in my colon.

I had fallen asleep in my motel room with ESPN on and unfortunately it was one of those paid programming shows kicking off at 5:00 in the morning. As I came to, I realized two things.

1) Who wants to know about the amount of fecal matter left in their colon at 5:00 in the morning?

2) Who wants to know about the amount of fecal matter left in their colon… ever?

I really dislike sleeping in motels. I usually ask for a room with two beds; I can combine the two to make one halfway decent pile of pillows and blankets. The rooms sound wrong. I hear cars outside and bumps in the hallway. The heater / air-conditioner rattles when it kicks on. I miss the low moans of the distant trains going through downtown Belvidere. I like the occasional growl of the trucks using their air brakes on Route 20 that runs near our home.

And I really miss my wife.

I don't usually touch her when I'm asleep, but there's this warm spot on my right side that helps me go to sleep at night. She moves and the mattress shifts. And – occasionally, when neither of us has to get up with the pterodactyl shriek of our mutual alarm clocks – I wake up slowly and feel her arm laying over my side or this soft bundle of hair piled on my chest.

Compare that to waking up with Dr. Fecal-Matter, there really is no comparison.

I've been complaining for years that I don't want lemons slices in my drinks at restaurants because I doubted they cleaned the skins to my liking. Turns out I was on to something.

A recent study by healthinspections.com reveals that those innocent lemon slices you get in restaurants are loaded with bacteria, fecal matter, and all sorts of other nasty germs.

"It was like they had dipped it in raw meat or something; it was gross!” exclaimed Anne LaGrange, a microbiologist who tested several lemons from various restaurants and was shocked at the results. "The very first sample that we took was loaded with fecal bacteria."

Full disclosure, this isn't really as bad as it sounds, but it is enough for me to continue asking for no lemons with my drinks.

How about you?

(ht: Wisebread)

1) Be Proud - Don't hide your "player" in your pocket. Grab it with pride and hold your head high on your way to dominate, earbuds a blazin'.

2) Assume the Position - There is no need to mess with your junk during pre-game. Safely take your seat and THEN let the entertainment begin. I pity the fool who drops their hardware in the toilet. How are you going to explain that one?

3) Volume Control - Adjust your volume so that it is loud enough that you can't hear the heavy breathing, grunting, or "plops" coming from the neighboring stalls, but not so loud that they can hear what you are listening to. If it's annoying on the subway, it's going to be annoying in the shitter.

3) Laughter - No matter how hilarious the media you are consuming is, thou shall not laugh. That's just creepy to hear, be courteous.

4) Keep it Clean - This is NOT "boner-time". Need I say more?

5) Fecal Matter - Inevitably you're going to have to wipe. As much of a multi-tasker as you are, under no circumstances are you to commence wipage without first pausing your podcast and securing your "player" in the safety of your pocket.

* this is a work in progress, please comment with your number two cents *

As I peel off the layers of fecal matter that have been accumulating in my intestines over the past few decades, I suddenly realize urges and cravings that echo the meals of long ago...  (veddy veddy interesting)...

This is actually a good indicator, since craving specific things lets me know just how far along I am in this process. Which isn't too far at the moment, because i'm craving things i only ate about 2 weeks ago... So, I figure once i have a taste for some good ol' mushed carrots & peas and a warm bottle of formula, I'll be Good To Go.

Skin complexion's clearing up a bit on my face/chin area. I'll take some photos tomorrow to get a better idea. Haven't had enough eliminations though, which definitely lessens my cravings/urges (mostly for food, sometimes for a cigarette). Still not feeling the water either, but this may change since I just filled up on purified (not dull distilled) water.

Out of anxiousness excitement and hunger, I've already started putting together my menu for the aftercleanse, gathering recipes over the internet and figuring out what ingredients i'll need to get when grocery shopping... which will be alot of (expensive!) raw organic goodies, but I think i will be getting some chicken & fish too... Going to be making some kick ass soups & salads though, ones that are so jammed packed with goodies that i won't even think about filling up on anything else. Also going to make some really good healthy dark grainy breads too, Mmm mmm.

Food craving at the moment:  french fries and kentucky fried chicken!