So I finished my entry this afternoon.A good 12 hours after the entry deadline. I suck at Photoshop, sue me.

My photo muses on the idea,

" What if Montezuma  had successfully turned back Cortez in 1520 and The Aztec Empire had gone on to dominate the North American Continent.

I am certain "Colorado Jane Doe" would experience a sense of justice being served ..... on an altar.

August 21, 2028 — A Los Angeles elementary school teacher has been suspended after allowing her students to play with antique condoms that were found buried in a time capsule on school grounds.

Several parents of 4th-graders at Encino Elementary School are demanding the teacher, Zoanne Kluliss, 22, be fired. Superintendent Howard Dufas said the matter is under review.

Parents arrived to pick up their children on Monday and found them blowing up condoms and playing with them like party balloons. 

“They seemed especially intrigued by the ribbed kind,” said Priscilla Tate, whose daughter, Amelia, is a student in the class.

Zoanne Kluliss, the teacher, said she decided to have the class dig up the time capsule after discovering a note about its whereabouts buried in her classroom desk. According to the note, the 4th grade class of 2008 had buried the capsule to help a future generation lead better lives.

Dufas said he later uncovered an old news article about the project, and learned that the students had picked the disease AIDS as the theme of the capsule. According to the story, published in Sir Satire’s New World Order News Service, the children wanted to tell the next generation to be careful to avoid the disease, and to remember those who died from the illness.  In addition to a box of condoms, which was controversial with parents at the time, the capsule contained a red ribbon with the single word "AIDS" on it.

AIDS, a disease that decimated the body’s immune system, was eradicated along with other sexually-transmitted diseases in the early twenty-teens. And when birth-control pills began selling over the counter in 2013, condoms became obsolete and largely vanished from the marketplace.

Kluliss, 22, graduated in May from the University of California-Santa Barbara, and had just started her first day of teaching on Monday.  Dufas said Kluliss told him she had heard passing references to AIDS and condoms when she was a child, but had never learned what the terms meant. 

“Ms. Kluliss has told us she thought the bright-red ribbon and the balloon-like items were just old party supplies,” Dufas said. “She assumed the word “AIDS” meant party aids.”  

But parents aren’t accepting her ignorance as an excuse.

“I don’t think she can be trusted,” Tate said. “For all I know, I’ll come to pick my daughter up tomorrow and find her playing with a vibrator.”

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Bismarck, N.D., August 21, 2028 — A year after undergoing a life-saving head transplant, Kenyan/British sprinter Getthi Annou-Capp beat out favorite Esop Hayre of Canada yesterday to win the Olympic gold medal in the men’s 200m final.

Annou-Capp finished with a time of 16.09 seconds—just shy of the world record set by Rod Ripper of Canada in 2020. The sprinter, whose head is 22 years old and body 24 years old, was smiling as he eased into the final 100m, well ahead of Hayre.

Annou-Capp says his medal proves that anyone can do what he wants, even if he's a hybrid.

Nigel Capp was a mild-mannered computer programmer in London a year ago when his head was crushed in an automobile accident.  He was rushed to Princess Grace Hospital, where surgeons were trying to reattach the head of Kenyan runner Getthi Annou, who was in town for the World Championships and had just been decapitated in a separate car accident.

After determining that Capp was in an irreversible coma, and that Annou’s head could not be successfully reattached, doctors decided to perform what at that time was only the second human head transplant in history. (The first was conducted in the Netherlands in 2023, when the head of Rotterdam mechanic Leopold Von Stralen was attached to the body of a teen-age girl.)

Surgeons quickly removed Capp’s head and, in an 18-hour procedure, attached it to Annou’s body. 

“This is a dream come true,” said Annou-Capp, fighting back tears after winning the race. “Yesterday, I was just an odd-looking hybrid, and today I'm an Olympic champion.”

Asked about the secret to his success, Annou-Capp said he has learned how to optimally blend his head with his body.

"I was able to think up an algorithm that determined how I should pace myself," he said. "I just communicated that to my body, and the rest is history."

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A tenured professor applauded the renaming, proclaiming that “the College of New Jersey will realign the off-kilter, discombobulated culture of American universities in the 21st century.  Instead of defining ourselves by our former name brand, Princeton, an arbitrary measurement, we will define ourselves by more substantive, qualitative criteria:  strength of our academic facilities, the eminence of our faculty, and the persuasiveness of our research.”

Unfortunately, in the months since that ill-fated boast, the College of New Jersey precipitously slid down the U.S. News & World Report rankings.  Formerly the #1 school for almost a decade, more and more students decided to go to other schools after the name change.  In the first year with the new name, the College of New Jersey fell from #1 to #4.  The second year experienced an even greater drop:  #4 to #16.  Miranda, her high school’s valedictorian, said that she "associates ‘New Jersey’ with trash and festering disease” and has decided to attend Yale instead.  In fact, many underclassmen at Princeton after the name change transferred to Penn (now #3) and Columbia (now #5), former safety schools for many of them, one of them noting that “when they decided to change the name of the school, it suddenly made me realize I was going to school in goddamned New Jersey, when I could be in Philly or New York, two much cooler cities.”

What once were proud declarations of “a more transparent meritocracy” have now turned into jeremiads.  In fact, presidents of the other Ivy League schools have been meeting to debate whether to kick the College of New Jersey out of the Ivy League.  “This is just unacceptable, this slide to #16,” said one of the presidents on condition of anonymity.  “#16.  #16?  This is madness.”  Reportedly the schools are looking into replacing the College of New Jersey with Georgetown, Swarthmore, or Duke.  Duke is particularly a big frontrunner, since it “is a title of nobility, just like the ‘prince’ in Princeton,” making it immediately prestigious.  Washington University in St. Louis, according to the president, though a highly respected school, “has been declined consideration for two reasons:  it can be turned into an acronym, and that acronym sounds vulgar—WASHU.  Unacceptable.”

Lester Binkley- Cannibal

"I was peeping my way through the neighborhood, looking for a potential mid-day snack, when I looked down through the Cravener's basement window and saw two of the skinniest children I've ever seen in my life" Binkley said. He added: "The children were clearly malnourished. By the looks of them, those kids didn't have more than 5-10 pounds of edible meat on their bodies. I'd like to give those parents a piece of my mind. I'm just………….in complete awe that I live in the same neighborhood as these scumbags. It sickens and scares me to tell you the truth."

Thanks to Lester's efforts, the children are in the custody of Akron's Child Protective Services. Other residents of this Akron neighborhood are applauding Mr. Binkley for doing the right thing. Neighborhood watch leader Ralph Billingston said that "it's great to see someone like Lester come forward and help get these children into safe hands. We've endured a lot of heartbreak around these parts lately. 4 different families have had their children kidnapped in the past month. The cops found a couple of half-eaten corpses in a dumpster, but none of the children have been found alive and returned to their families. I'm just happy to know that at least one crime has been taken care of, thanks to Mr. Binkley."

Members of the Neighborhood Watch pitched in and gave Binkley a $1000 good citizenship reward. He plans on buying a new deep freezer for his basement with the proceeds.

Gary Hitler, head of the Christian youth group "Hitler's Youth" and coach of the boys' slow-pitch baseball team says that his boys are fired up and ready to go after losing to the First Episcopal team 10-0 in their last meeting.

Gary Hitler- Christian youth group leader

"Let me tell you brother, my boys don't take too kindly to wallopings like they took last time around. Win or lose, it's nice to see these pure sons of Christ meet together and have fun in sport. But, those lousy Jewers crossed the line last game, and we're gonna make sure they pay for what they have done to us."

Hitler is referring to Timmy and Jimmy Jewer. Hitler blames his teams' embarrassing defeat on the Jewers, as Timmy Jewer went 4 for 4 in his teams' blowout and had 5 runs batted in, while his twin brother Jimmy (the pitcher) threw 3 beanballs (one of which injured star first basemen Alex Rommel), in addition to throwing a complete-game shutout. He also blames the Jewers for the 6-game losing streak that his team has suffered after losing their star player to injury. "If that little Jewer bastard thinks he's gonna pull his tricks on my boys again, he's got another thing comin' I'll tell you what" Gary Hitler said. "With or without Rommel, we're gonna teach 'em that you don't mess around with Hitler's Youth", he added.

Dave Steinberg, coach of the First Episcopal team feels that Hitler is placing too much blame on the Jewers for his teams' downfall, and is highly confident that Hitler's Youth will go down yet again this Saturday. "Our team is ready for war. We've recently added a lot of depth to our roster with some players from different local little league teams such as the Yankees, the Union Jacks, and Stalin's Red Army Deathsquad, so we're in a good position to win no matter what Hitler brings to the table," said Steinberg.

The game begins at 3pm on Saturday, and is part of the First Episcopal Church of Christ's all-day family event: "Crucifest 2008", which features Biblical carnival rides such as the "Log Ride to Salvation", tons of food, and a free concert by GWAR after the game. GWAR fans will need to get there early, as only the first 6 or so rows of fans will be within range of the fire hose that sprays out blood and horse semen while the band plays.

Bismarck, N.D., August 20, 2028 — U.S. diver Noah Stive easily won the men’s 3-meter springboard competition yesterday, but his main rival lodged a protest, claiming the robotic judges’ software was flawed.

Stive earned 11 perfect marks of 10.0 in the six-round final Tuesday night, totaling 572.90 points and giving the United States its fourth consecutive Olympic title in the event.

Henrí Lesplé of France took the silver with 536.65 at the Bismarck High School pool. Lesplé filed a protest over the electronic judging, claiming that the robotic devices were designed by Americans and therefore inherently prone to malfunctions. Fédération Internationale de Natation (FINA), the international governing body for water sports, rejected the protest.

“The electronic judges are far superior and more error-free than the nincompoops we used to get to judge this stuff,” said FINA President Marco von Splat.  “It’s hard to find good flesh-and-bone judges. They come with built-in biases and stupidity.”

FU sports commentator Bob Caustic agreed with von Splat’s remarks.

“Mr. Lesplé ought to be happy he at least won the silver,” Caustic said. “If the judges had been people, they may have been inclined to give him much lower scores, simply because he’s French.”

Computerized judging was first deployed at the 2012 games in London, four years after U.S. gymnast Alicia Sacramone missed a medal by one place in what many considered to be substandard human scoring.

Manufactured by IBM, the robo-judges are said to accurately calculate each competitor’s performance based on standards for flexibility, precision, degree of difficulty and ability to look good in a Speedo.

The devices are also used in a variety of other Olympic sports, including gymnastics, in-line figure skating and synchronized hula-hooping.

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August 20, 2028 – The genetically modified serial-killing plant that escaped from a Monsantoburton greenhouse last month was found dead yesterday in a cellar underneath a barn on a Kansas farm, police said.

Authorities were called to the home of Jean Green, of Nortonville, Kan., who said she saw odd plant residue outside her barn and, when entering, discovered that her hogs and a crew of migrant workers had been devoured.

The Jefferson County coronor called in a botanist from the University of Kansas, who determined the cause of death as photosynthesis deprivation. The plant is believed to have entered the barn two weeks ago, eaten the animals and workers, and then hid in the barn cellar until it died.

The discovery brings to an end a planthunt that began July 20, when Monstantoburton reported that the carnivorous plant had spontaneously developed the ability to walk and had fled the company test farm in Topeka, Kan. where it was being stored.

During its escape, the plant attacked and ate two company employees. On August 5, it ate an Oskaloosa, Kan. couple and their three children after breaking into their home. 

“We’re glad that this situation has come to an end,” Monsantoburton said in a statement. “We want the people of Kansas to know that we have taken precautions to prevent our experimental plants from ever growing legs or teeth again.”

News broke last week that two hunters in rural Georgia had discovered a Bigfoot and were storing the body of the man-beast in a large icebox. The hunters are keeping the body in their care pending DNA testing to be performed this week. Grainy pictures have made the rounds on the Internet showing a large, hairy, ape-like creature that the hunters claim weighs nearly five hundred pounds.

Upon hearing the news and seeing the photo, Paul Sasquatch of North Cave said that he wasn’t surprised. The captured Bigfoot was Paul’s brother-in-law, Gene.

“Gene has always been a screw-up. He was probably drunk, running around chasing squirrels when those idiot rednecks got him.”

Paul says that Gene had been living in the family cave off and on for six years. Gene had never been able to hold down a job, and he spent most of his time playing Guitar Hero.

“Worthless is what he was”, says Paul.

When asked if the discovery of his idiot brother-in-law would endanger the rest of the species, Paul is quoted as saying, “Fuck if I know. Most Bigfoot hunters wouldn’t know a real Sasquatch from a kitty cat. Gene’s capture hasn’t helped us, though. Asshat.”

]]> http://futureupdate.wordpress.com/?p=1056 Tue, 19 Aug 2008 00:07:21 +0000 Skip Dekades http://futureupdate.wordpress.com/?p=1056 by Skip DeKades

Bismarck, N.D., August 19, 2028 — U.S. gymnast Enid Jaritol became the oldest Olympic medal winner in modern history yesterday as she edged out all-around champion So-Tai Nee of China in the uneven bars competition.

Jaritol, 83, scored a 16.725, beating Nee by just a fraction of a point.

It’s rare to find a gymnast in international competition who also happens to be a great-grandmother.  Jaritol admitted Monday that her daily training has been no easy task, as her body takes a little longer to recover than it used to. 

“After only getting a bronze in Oslo in 2024, I was determined,” the Zanesville, Ohio widow said. “I had to be as strong as possible because I wanted to win that medal for my family and all the girls in my church quilting club back home.”

Jaritol, who didn’t even begin gymnastics until she turned 70, has revolutionized a sport that was once thought to force its participants into retirement by the time they reached their early 20s.   A generation ago, Olympians such as swimmer Dara Torres and gymnast Oksana Chusovitina were breaking age barriers in their sports while only in their 30s and 40s.  But  with modern medicine now providing people with essential cures for the bone and muscle deterioration associated with aging, seniors are entering elite gymnastics in record numbers and making the 30-something set seem like children.    

When asked Monday if she feels 83, Jaritol replied with a hearty laugh.

“I feel a lot younger than that,” she said. “More like 65.”

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Apparently, I'm not alone. I did a little research to see if I was the only one who noticed this. Here's another guy's spam folder with even better headlines:

I never thought I'd do this, but I must applaud the spammers for coming up with new ways to catch our attention. Of course, I'm not easy enough to give in to something like this, but I'd much rather click one of these than an email that assures me I can "make her scream all night long."

Try it out for yourself.

(Oh, and since I run Ubuntu instead of Windows, I'm immune to the viruses that the spam links to. So the jokes on them.)

“It makes a world of difference that the 'B' key is two columns to the right and one row down from the 'S' key.  If he were named ‘Odama,’ I would be staying up all night, obsessively doing Command-F searches for You-Know-Who or Find-and-Replace The Dark Lord with ‘Odama.’  I mean, we do that anyway, but we’d have to do it, say, 40 times as much, or 100 times as much, since the 'D' key is so much closer to the key for He Who Must Not Be Named. We’re a liberal lion, after all—the Weekly Standard and FOXNews can probably get away with that junk, but we’ve got pasty, emaciated, latte-sipping, Wagner and Vampire Weekend-listening constituents.  They’ll get a bloody nose and then go to the ER if they read that.”

August 18, 2028 — At the same time they were making a name for themselves as makeover magicians, reality TV hosts such as Ty Pennington and Carson Kressley were being forced to work as spies for the U.S. government, according to a new book out Tuesday. 

"Patriot Acts," a 900-page tome by celebrated investigative journalist Mark Ray Curr, details a picture of a vast espionage network of reality TV stars and their producers, set up by the second Bush administration in the 00s.  

The book, which takes its title from a landmark piece of legislation passed in the weeks after 9-11, claims the reality-show operation was part of then Vice President Dick Cheney's dream to have a window into every home in the country to uncover terrorist plots. 

"The Bush II White House had no idea where to find Al-Qaeda cells on U.S. soil, so the only solution was to tap into every living room in America to make sure nothing was missed," Curr writes. 

The reality-show operation mainly involved celebrity self-help gurus who entered homes to help people with everything from fixing up their living rooms to controlling their children.  The White House blackmailed the hosts into planting electronic surveillance devices in those dwellings by threatening to have the Federal Communications Commission trump up indecency charges against their shows if they refused to cooperate, according to the book.

Pennington hosted Extreme Makeover: Home Edition on the old ABC television network. On that program, he led a design team that transformed the homes of deserving families in seven days or less.  Pennington and his team installed hidden cameras in the homes as they were being remodeled.

Kressley took similar steps on his show How to Look Good Naked, in which he helped women feel better about their bodies.  Kressley allegedly provided the women with tummy-tuck underwear lined with listening devices disguised as sequins.   

Curr names several other reality show hosts who were forced into helping the Bush administration, including

• Cesar Millan of The Dog Whisperer;
• Clive Pearse and Shane Tallent of Designed to Sell;
• Jo Frost of Supernanny;
• Stacy London and Clinton Kelly of What Not to Wear;
• the producers of Wife Swap; and
• Kressley's four co-hosts on the early 00s program Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

Curr's book says the White House coerced a variety of other professionals into sneaking "bugs" into people's homes.  Cable installers, plumbers, furniture delivery crews and even Jehovah's witnesses were coerced into the spy program, he writes, adding that the Jehovah's witnesses proved to be the least effective because they were rarely invited into homes.

Many celebrities named in the book declined comment, but others welcomed the exposure of the operation they were forced to join.

"I think it's terrific this came out," said Supernanny’s Frost. “It’s about time somebody knew all those bloody brats I had to bribe to put bugs under their parent’s beds.  The government blokes loved it ‘cause they got to listen to the mums and dads shaggin’.”

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Bismarck, N.D., August 16, 2028 — Michael Phelps won his 33rd Gold Medal in downhill body rolling today as he became the first athlete to hold world records in two completely separate sports.

Phelps’ broke his own record in the 200m downhill with a time of 42.96.  The win marked his 69th Olympic gold medal -- the most of any Olympic athlete.  He earned 36 of those in swimming, competing in the 2004 summer games in Athens, the 2008 games in Beijing, the 2012 games in London and the 2016 games in Rio de Janeiro. 

The gregarious athlete has been a stellar ambassador for body rolling, a sport introduced in the 2020 games in Moscow.  Athletes compete by lying on their stomachs and rolling downhill.

“I am proud to be pioneering a sport that allows middle-aged obese people to reach their Olympic dreams just like the young and fit people of the world,” Phelps said at a press conference this morning.

Body rolling has fit well with Phelps’ lifestyle. He continues to consume the same 12,000 calories that he’s taken in for the last 25 years.  But because he doesn’t burn those calories off in swimming, he has been able to keep his weight up to qualify for body rolling competition.  He now weighs 400 pounds.

Phelps, 43, has one more event yet in the Bismarck games: He’ll compete tomorrow in the 4x100m human avalanche relay.

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April 17, 2028 — Madonna celebrated her 70th birthday last night with a gala concert and party in Times Square, and made sure to top her most shocking on-stage moments with another dig at the Catholic Church – this time over pedophilia in the priesthood.

The pop singer entered the stage dressed as a priest, accompanied by a troupe of dancing 11-year-altar boys, as she sang her late-20th-century hit “Like a Prayer” followed by “Like a Virgin.” She then guided the boys offstage and whipped off the clerical outfit to reveal pasties and a thong, as she launched into her new single, “Pay Attention to Me.”

The Vatican immediately condemned the act, while the Archbishop of New York demanded the return of the altar boys.

More than 300 people attended the festivities. They included many of the diva’s longtime pals, including Rosie O’Donnell, Britney Spears and Alex Rodriquez.  Her ex-husbands, film director Guy Ritchie and actor/director Sean Penn, were not invited.

During her performance, Madonna also called on the Bush administration to free Hillary Clinton, who has been in prison since her brief military takeover was toppled in June.  Madonna supported several of Clinton’s presidential bids and shared a French kiss with her at the 2020 Kennedy Center Honors.

Noticeably absent from the extravaganza was presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Angelina Jolie.  Madonna, who is running as an independent against Jolie and presumptive Republican candidate Sonny Jindal, has been locked in a longstanding rivalry with the Oscar-winning actress and former diplomat.

With her campaign in shambles, Madonna reportedly offered to drop out of the race in exchange for the chance to sing a few numbers on stage at the Democratic National Convention, which begins next week in Philadelphia.  Convention organizers had not given a final response to her request, but sources now tell FU that the party would in no way give her a platform after her birthday performance.

“Look, she’s 70 years old,” one Democratic party insider said, “and no matter what kind of shape she’s in, no matter what kind of yoga she practices, we don’t need to see her gyrating around the podium nearly naked.  And we can't risk her offending a huge voting bloc. For all we know, she'll bring a donkey on stage with her and do something unspeakable with it."

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Fake News/Twilight
Newslight (comic, G)

Hellsing
Categra Demands Milk! (art, worksafe)
Vintage: Baalberith, Demontegra, Alucard sketch, Nameless Woman from Order 07 (art, worksafe)
Who Will Bell The Catboy? (art, worksafe)
OVA V trailer! And it's due out two days before my birthday! Talk about awesome presents.
Otakon '08 fan sketch (art, worksafe)
Gentlemen, I like fanart. Gentlemen, I love fanart. Gentlemen, I so love fanart.

Marimite
A shiny new Marimite Wiki is live!

R.O.D
I Could Write Books (YomikoxNenene mix, G)

Next Week in Shine:
Integra drinks her tea and starts laying the smackdown, but she's gotten more than she bargained for. Meanwhile, Alucard tries to pull himself together.

Website Updates!
A ton of new webcomic links are up.
Shine Hell has new download links: OVA IV, Captain's Story, and the latest Hellsing manga chapters!
The miscellaneous fanworks section has been brought completely up-to-date.

Bismarck, N.D., August 17, 2028 — Australian Olympic runner Mary Thauner spontaneously exploded into a ball of flames yesterday as she neared her finish in the women's marathon.

Thauner, 27, was running neck and neck with Nito Fito of Japan for a silver medal as she entered the Olympic stadium.  She ignited as she approached the finish line, prompting screams from the stands.  She was pronounced dead at the scene.

Olympic officials believe Thauner’s messy death was caused by bolticytes (artificial blood cells) she injected to enhance her performance.  This form of nanotechnology, known to cause severe overheating of the body, is banned by the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA).

WADA CEO Marc Nark said the organization has dramatically improved its ability to pinpoint steroid use among Olympice athletes, but still has no reliable test to detect bolticytes in the body.

“Let’s just hope nano-doping isn’t too widespread among these athletes, or we could set the entire city of Bismarck ablaze,” he said.

Bolticytes have been blamed for previous instances of spontaneous combustion among elite athletes.  During the 2026 Tour de France, for example, Swedish cyclist  Lars Legus exploded as he approached the finish line on the Champs-Élysée in Paris.

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