I was trolling the internet and discovered a useful list from the people from RealSimple.com. that provides the expiration dates for several common perishable items.

For example, Soy Sauce is only at its best for three months, and vinegar a total of 42 months. Maple syrup and dried pasta are good for a year, an opened bag of marshmallows for three months, and frozen dinners can stay frozen for up to 18 months.

As for non-edible perishables, you can keep your Windex for 2 years and your laundry detergent (if opened) is good for 6 months. Yup, that stuff can go bad. I mean, it won't rot or anything, but it won't be as effective when you use it.

For the fully useful list, click HERE.

I also found this nifty "Table of Condiments" HERE.  It shows every condiment possible on a periodic table and displays their shelf life. :)

Thanks so much.

--Boomer

Dear Boomer: I'm a bartender, not a wine steward, but I'll try to shed some light anyway.

Wine is packaged lots of ways -- with screwcaps, corks, plastic corks, in bags inside boxes like breakfast cereal... That's not your problem. Your problem, however it's packaged, is how to store it for the next two decades while you wait for the kid to be of age.

You have two choices: Buy a bottle and drink it tonight or get yourself a good wine cellar. If the latter, you can store the damn stuff till you're ready to celebrate when the kid turns ninety.

I think I hate mornings more than the average person, but even I am not yet so lazy that I have to start reading my food instead of the box. Seriously, I look at the expiration date on the carton of eggs when I'm in the store, and then I recklessly go about making breakfast for the next week without double checking the expiration date. Call me a rebel. If I needed to, though, I wouldn't mind doing the exhaustive research needed to look at the carton again. I don't need to have someone in the egg processing plant making sure that the egg stamper has enough ink. That's not a job I'd like to have. 

What's more, I don't like the precedent that's being set. One of my co-workers buys Pop Tarts that have trivia questions stamped on them (I get about 50% of the answers correct, by the way), but what's next? Are we going to start printing the fat and calories on individual potato chips? Are we going to have the words "tarter control" and "enamel strengthening" written on the white strip of the tri-colored toothpaste, itself?

Hey, if this book-writing thing doesn't work out for me, maybe I could get a job writing expiration dates on Tic Tacs.

--Paul

Paul's book--Literally, the Best Language Book Ever;

Sherry's Grammar List

Isn't it purrty? I guess that I need to pay more attention to the expiration dates. Then again, I'm an "expiration disregarder" according to Matt. Check out his funny post on expiration dates. For the record, I'm an expiration disregarder while The Wife is an expiration heeder.

One of the laws of the universe is that an expiration heeder (EH) always marries an expiration disregarder (ED...not to be confused with erectile dysfunction). EH's and ED's tend to argue about these dates. EH's find themselves secretly throwing away food (and stuffing it way down in the bottom of the trash can so that their ED partner will not see it) in an effort to save their family from the pain and suffering of botulism. ED's make a fuss about wasted food and money and talk about how expiration dates are not real and the food is still good.

My name is Matt, and I'm an EH. My wife is Allison, and she's most definitely an ED. We have spirited discussions about our food perceptions and the potential lack of safety of various foods that have occupied our fridge for some length of time. Who is right?

There are variables that muddy the picture. Some of the time, food is clearly marked as having an expiration date. EH's love this. It is clear and concise and tells you the exact moment an egg becomes fraught with danger. ED's do not like this, as they wish not to be told by anyone when a food has reached the disgusting point. ED's much prefer their food to say either, "Best before" or "Sell by" dates. This gives them the leeway they crave. ED's believe that eggs, for example, are still good weeks after the "Best before" date. Apparently they are satisfied eating a egg that is "not at its best" but is still probably not going to kill you. EH's wish that manufacturers would just grow some cojones and put a definitive date on the things. If you give an ED an food inch, they'll take a mile.

Here's when things really get fun. Sometimes, an egg carton with have only a date with no words. This, of course, is interpreted by EH's as a strict "Expires by" date while ED's believe this to clearly be a "Sell by" date. In these situations, separate vacations may be needed to help cool things off.

Well, I was faced with an interesting spin on this whole food thing last weekend when we were dog-sitting for our neighbors, who had gone out of town. On Saturday morning, my toddler made it clear to me that she would eat an egg for breakfast, and ONLY an egg. This was a small problem. We were out of eggs. After trying to tempt her with a variety of edibles that we actually had in the house, such as cereal, hash browns, waffles, pancakes, etc, she reiterated that she would not even consider eating anything other than an oval thing that comes out of a chicken.

The easy solution hit me! Our neighbors were gone, and we have a key to their house in case of emergency, such as needing an egg! Surely they had them. I wouldn't have to make a quick trip to the store in my sweatpants (many of you know what happened the last time I tried that.)

I made my way over there, whistling a happy egg and toddler tune. In no time, I'd have a yummy scrambled egg whipped up, and no more would I have to listen to the early-morning screams of "I DON'T WANT A WAFFLE!! IT'S YUCKY!!!"

I entered their abandoned abode and went directly to the fridge. I opened it, and *GASP* I was immediately faced with a dilemma. They had two egg cartons. There were four eggs remaining in the first carton, and they had an expiration date (that's right EXPIRATION, not BEST BEFORE, at least in my opinion) of a few days prior. Since I am an upstanding EH who cares about preventing food poisoning in my only child, I could not take one of those eggs. The problem, however, is that the second carton, with a beautiful expiration date well into the future, was full. If I took one from that carton while a few eggs remained in the top carton, it would be obvious at some point to my neighbors that one had been used, which could lead to a case of mistaken identity and a huge fight.

I know my neighbors well, and I am certain that one of them is an EH while the other is an ED. Once one of them realized that an egg had been used from the bottom carton, either the ED would be angry with the EH for not using one of the older, "still-good" eggs, OR the EH would be angry with the ED for being a hypocrite and taking one of the EH's new eggs after endlessly preaching that expiration dates were for fools.

I like my neighbors, and I could not be the cause of marital discontent. I stood there, with the fridge door open (I can picture my parents in heaven admonishing me for letting all the cold air out.) What was I to do? I closed the fridge and decided I was going to have to mull this situation over for a bit. While thinking, I did what anyone would do. I walked about the house eating some of their potato chips, found some old love letters my neighbors had written to each other (they were buried at the bottom of one of their closets), plopped down on their couch, put my feet up on their coffee table, and started reading. At some point during an "I miss you so much" letter, the solution finally came to me! I would just take the whole, full egg carton home, go the grocery later that day, and give them a whole new egg carton before they ever got home. That way, my toddler would get her much-needed and completely safe egg. We would have all the eggs we might need that day. My neighbors would have an even newer dozen of eggs to go along with their decrepit, expired partial carton, and they could work out what to do with the 4 rotten eggs themselves!

Satisfied with my decision, I stuffed a few of the love letters in my pocket, brushed the chip crumbs off my shirt, grabbed the unspoiled dozen eggs, and headed home. They'll never even know how I saved them from an argument. Man, I'm the best neighbor ever.

p.s. My kid didn't want the egg once I had made it.

I realize that some products have expiration dates that if you eat or drink after it, it makes you sick, like milk, yogurt and cottage cheese.  Other products, the expiration date is more like a freshness date, like bread and cheese. 

I have lived by the theory that if the bread and cheese isn't moldy, it's not going to hurt you to eat it past it's expiration date, especially if you are going to toast it, the bread that is.

I was at my Dad's house with the kids one Saturday near the end of September and I was going to make my kids a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch.  I just happened to look at the date onthe bread, it was August 27th.  Oh well, I gave it the once over and noticed no mold and I made it.  I know that the bread at my in-laws house would have been thrown out the next day.  We waste so much bread because of that.

Thanks.

--rcrider

Dear rcrider: As far as sentences go, "Keep cool" is not all that complex. Still, it's good advice, though every time I get asked this question it gets harder and harder to follow.

--Mrs. Addis

Dear Mrs. Addis: A half-empty bottle of Southern Comfort is the dumbest prize won by anyone, ever. Why you would want to pass this insult on to your daughter I have no idea.

I recently found out I was pregnant through a home pregnancy test. The morning after drinking a very old bottle (I think I bought it was imported in the 70s) of absinthe, I awoke with morning sickness, and took the exam. I failed! Since then, I have tried to curb my alcoholic intake. It has been rough these past 11 months, but I think that I'm getting the hang of it. Ever since last November when I got that little blue plus symbol, I have been anxiously preparing for the little critter.

For the past two months or so, I've been getting a little worried. See, I've heard that pregnancies are only supposed to last nine months, and I'm well beyond that. I looked all over your site for an answer, but couldn't find it. So my questions is this: what is the expiration date on a pregnancy?

Thanks in advance,
Bruce

Dear Readers: Now that's more fucking like it.

Are these safe to drink?

Is there a potential the alcohol has turned to vinegar?

Assuming they are safe: Is there a good test to tell if they have gone bad?

Cheers,
Nick

Dear Friendly People: You're all putting me on, right? If you didn't believe me the first three times I answered this question, why should I assume you'll believe me now?

Drink the fucking brandy already.

Guest Blogger Angus McFury tells all:

Expiration Dates… what a load of shit! Get creative.

By Angus McFury

It was milk. Milk that had a little date printed on the carton. The date, slightly faded, said August 13. Now October 4, it was the milk causing the smell in my fridge. A smell that when one went to grab a cold malted beverage the apartment would smell like the anus of Dick Cheney. Friends were coming over in 15 minutes to watch my pre selected scenes of Last of the Mohicans, only the badass ones. I looked at that little date and said “Bullshit.” The man ain't gonna tell me when to throw my milk out. I immediately grabbed the spoon sitting in the sink and scooped out so called expired milk into a small bowl. Step two, I pulled out the French bread from the trash, deemed too stale to eat by society, and sawed about a bakers dozen little slices. The bread slices I lined around the bowl and placed in front of the TV. Boom, I had some fancy French cheese with croutons to serve my guests.

It doesn’t have to stop with milk. People are always saying things like “You can’t eat that,” or “Oh man it’s moldy better toss it out.” View that as a dare.  Here’s an idea! That moldy block of cheddar cheese you have… not trash. Take a small knife and fashion it into your favorite barnyard animal, place it on your desk… You just saved five bucks by not having to buy a Chia Pet. Brown banana? Put it in a bucket with that half drank beer sitting next to your toilet. Wait a few days. Come back put a lid on the bucket. You’ve got yourself a fruit fly farm that all the kids will be jealous of! Old condiments you’re not sure about? Ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise… get a paintbrush and you have a whole water color set for those arts and crafts times.  The possibilities are limitless.

The take home message from this is simple… don’t let some suit down at big milk tell you what you can and can’t do. Damn the Man!

Cheers,

Tracy

Dear Tracy: I answered this question already.

A few weeks ago, a reader called to talk about expiration dates on many of the fresh products at the supermarket. She said there are many times when she checks the dates before buying only to find that the product is ready to expire that day or the next. She has talked to several people who say they don't notice the dates until they get home, then they end up throwing away so many products before they're consumed.

Several people responded to the story:

John wrote: We seemed to start noticing out-of date or near out-of date in the late spring. It has continued this summer at our Kroger Store in Lawrenceburg. Dairy is the worst. Milk either that day or in two to three days. Yogurt is also a problem. Some times cottage cheese is out-of date. We have also seen dry goods that usually have 6 to 12 months with only a month or six weeks. Some canned goods are the same way.

Tim said: At Meijer’s had to return chocolate syrup on a Monday after buying it on Friday night. Went back the next Friday night and STILL outdated syrup on shelf, went and got someone to remove it. Also happened with a cold medicine.

From Karl: For years, I have been a loyal customer at the Kroger Store on Boston Road, here in Lexington. Over the last year, I have noticed that they are becoming a bit lax regarding past dated items remaining on their shelves. (Some can goods and dairy products).

On Aug. 24, while I was there shopping, I went to the dairy case to purchase a few cans of Grands biscuits, that come refrigerated in a tube. There were approximately 15 cans in the bin. Out of those 15 cans, 12 were expired. Some just a few days past the sell by date, but. there were 8 cans that had expired back in March and April.

Plus, there was one can that I could not read the expiration date because it was rusted so bad. The entire can was covered in rust. It looked terrible.

I stopped a employee who was walking by, and pointed out to him all the expired biscuit cans that I had just found and had set down on the floor. He quickly took them away. There was/is no excuse for this to ever happen in a major market store such as Kroger.

I have done some shopping at other local stores such as Wal-Mart and Meijer. I cannot recall ever having a problem at those locations. But, as I stated earlier, the Boston Road. Kroger has increasingly become worse and worse about this type of problem.

I started to complain to the manager, but did not think it would do any good (Though I have brought similar problems to their attention before), mainly because there seems to be a different manager on duty everyday, and they seem to change managers at this store quite often.
I mainly shop there because I do have a physical disability, and they are located very close to my home, and it's convenient for me to park easily, and get in and out quickly.

Rick said: I have noticed very short expiration dates, not just on items you would think of as fresh or dated, but on things like salad dressing that you don’t generally think to look at the date on the label because you expect to have used it up long before it would expire, at the Meijer store on Reynolds Road.

We shop at Kroger in Beaumont and at Meijer, and we prefer Meijer for their good produce and (mostly) lower prices; but we find much of the savings is often lost when we have to throw away unused purchases that go past their expiration dates. Although we still shop there, we are very careful to check the dates on everything that goes into the cart, and it's an annoyance.

I've seen much worse, though. Where we used to live in Pennsylvania there was an IGA store that would put “Reduced for quick sale” stickers on meat so that the expiration date was covered. If you carefully peeled back the reduced price sticker you would discover that the expiration date had already passed before they reduced the price.

John explained: I have had many problems on this issue with the Meijer’s store at Hamburg. I have picked up meats with that day’s date for expiration, bread that has one day to go, and I once picked up a ham that was past its date. I recently bought some cake mix and icing and when I was ready to spread the icing, I noticed it spread like melted butter with no consistency. I looked at the bottom of the can and it was 2 months past its sell-by date. I sent an e-mail to Meijer expressing my concerns, but of course, no reply.

I have now solved the problem myself. I shop at the new Wal-Mart in Hamburg. Although I still check the dates, I have not noticed the mass violations that I experienced at Meijer. It’s sad really, because I enjoyed shopping at Meijer. If they ever clean up their act, I may return my business.

Anne said: A couple of weeks ago I purchased a can of Pillsbury crescent rolls from Kroger. I was getting ready to cook them for dinner when I saw that the use-by date was May 13, 2007. I had to do a double take and actually asked my husband if we were past May 2007. Needless to say, I called Pillsbury and gave them the info and they sent a replacement coupon.

Now, this second story is very interesting. Several months ago, my 3-year-old daughter and I went to a very popular local candy store (name withheld, but I am VERY tempted to share...I do tell all of my friends the name) to get jelly beans. We found a small pack of Jelly Bellys that were the perfect size for her. As she started to eat them, she told me they were “hard to chew.” I thought this was a normal comment from a then 2-year old, so I tried one, and it was as hard as a rock and a funny color. So, I called Jelly Belly, even before leaving the parking lot of the store. I gave them the info on the package and asked it they might be a little old. She laughed and said they were to be sold by 2002....yes, 2002, 5 years ago. They have been sitting on the shelf for 5 years. I didn't go back in the store to return them. Instead, I had Jelly Belly send a consumer products specialist in to check their other stock.
“This incident makes me wonder about the chocolate that this stores makes. I wonder how fresh it really is.”

Fred commented: I have been the primary cook and grocery shopper in my household for about 14 years. Prior to that my wife did most of the cooking and grocery shopping but I have always read the ads every day, though more closely on Sunday mornings.

My motivations: I like to cook, I love to eat, and I have always appreciated value. I do not believe you can merely consider the expiration date of products without considering the value side also.

I live in Georgetown where the only mega store we have is a Wal-Mart Supercenter. Kroger and a very small Save-a-Lot are the only other two full service groceries. We will not make a special trip to Lexington for any purchase, but if we are in Lexington, we will sometimes stop by Meijers, and make a routine trip to Sam's Club approximately every 2 months.

We have an extra side by side fridge/freezer and an extra upright freezer in our basement that allows us to purchase and store things in quantity. I can always find “short dated” and “out dated” items at both groceries where I shop. But I have always found significantly more at Kroger’s than at Wal-Mart. Both stores have high volume in Georgetown. It simply boils down to Wal-Mart doing a better job of policing this than Kroger.

I have no doubt this is an individual store issue and that this will vary from store to store, from community to community, and is dependent upon store management and employee performance.

Prepackaged manufacturer items (canned goods, sealed plastic bags and containers, bottled items) should be on equal footing where ever you buy so the consumer should take responsibility for looking at the expiration dates while shopping, not after they get home.

Items that have short shelf lives:
Milk products.I can count on Kroger brand milk going bad by the expiration date, even if the container has not been opened until the expiration date. Kroger brand milk typically has an expiration date 5-7 days from the date I purchase it. I cannot buy several gallons of Kroger brand milk in quantity at one time because of the short expiration dates of Kroger brand milk. I like to buy in quantity to save trips to the store.

Wal-Mart brand of milk has always had an expiration date of from 10-14 days from my date of purchase, allowing me to buy 5-6 gallons at at time (sometimes twice a week). When occasionally I have overpurchased milk, the Wal-Mart brand is still good, when first opened a few days beyond the expiration date. The Kroger brand has always gone bad by the expiration date, even when unopened till then.

Kroger brand half ‘n’ half has never (over 14 years) had an expiration date more than one week from my purchase date. Wal-Mart brand of half ‘n’ half always has an expiration date of 4-6 weeks, compared to Kroger brand of one week. I can purchase 2-3 quarts of half ‘n’ half at Wal-Mart at one time with confidence that I won’t lose any to spoilage over a period of several weeks.

I do not know enough about the differences in pasteurization processes, or different additives that may enhance expiration dates of milk products. I only know that I no longer buy milk or half ‘n’ half at Kroger due to short expiration dates. I would rather by milk twice a week, than 4 times a week. A convenience.

When you couple the Wal-Mart longer expiration dates with their “price matching” of other store sale prices, Wal-Mart becomes a win-win situation for us. Another story I guess. But when we were a family of 4 (before our 2 sons went away to school) we realized about a $50 a week savings by shopping at Wal-Mart. We don’t buy everything at Wal-Mart. We buy better steak cuts at Sam’s Club or Meijers only. Never Kroger, never Wal-Mart. And of course in quantity, when on sale.

Expiration dates of pre-packaged meats (sausage, bacon, bologna, ham) from national manufacturers are of little consequence since we often freeze these and use as needed. Expiration dates of meats purchased from the delis however, sliced by the store employees need to be checked by the consumer.

The expiration date is on the original package from which the employee takes the slices. The deli may put a sell- by date on the consumer’s package, but that is usually the date of the purchase, not the expiration date.” Again, the consumer must take the responsibilty to check this.

As probably like most consumers, we find one store will consistently have fresher produce than another. One store will consistently carry better fresh cut meats than another. But one thing we have noticed is that just about any product Wal-Mart puts their name on (whether it be the “Sam’s Choice” or “Great Value”), it is as good or better product than the corresponding brand name we used to purchase. This is something I have noticed over a period of years. I have learned that “generic” does not mean lower quality, at least not at Wal-Mart. I think they have done an excellent job in doing their research and they are very careful not to put their “logo” on it, if it is not of high caliber. Their reputation depends on it. I have come to trust the Wal- Mart brand over the years. Quality and savings are the rewards.”

My question: How long will the bottles keep? Should I invest in some screw caps?

--Dan in Phoenix

Dear Dan: Those bottles will last as long as you can refrain from drinking them. Screw caps might help if, when you're too drunk, you're gonna knock them over and spill. Otherwise, my only suggestion is to put those bottles on a high, high shelf -- one that you can't get to without dexterity -- and hope for the best.

She said there have been many times when she has checked the dates before buying a product, that it is ready to expire that day, or the next. She’s talked to several people who say they don’t notice until they get home and then they end up throwing away so many products before they’re consumed.

If you’ve noticed that our stores have been lax in keeping fresh products up-to-date, let us hear from you.

-- I.A.

Dear I.A.: Depends on your judgement. Do you know when to stop?

Drunkenly Yours,

LR

Dear LR: In a nutshell, the alcohol acts as a preservative. A cream-based liquer won't go bad like ordinary cream. It's best to keep it at a consistent temperature, however, as some cream-based liquers can go lumpy on you -- and will eventually taste foul. (Have you had it more than 2 years? Drink it already!)

Some, like Bailey's Irish Creme, carry a "best before" date -- but that's more of a "tastes best before" kind of thing.

You gonna share any of that Godiva with the rest of these guys?