It appears that "our true north strong and free" is neither as strong nor as free as I had believed.  Public opinion about the situation of Omar Khadr seems to be polarized:

For every statement of support, however, there were damning words of condemnation aimed at both Khadr and his family.

The late family patriarch, Ahmed Said Khadr, was an associate of Osama bin Laden; the family spent time living in at least one of his compounds. His mother, who now lives in Toronto with Omar Khadr's siblings, has publicly assailed Canada's moral values.

"This kid is a terrorist, plain and simple, and he comes from a terrorist 'al Qaeda' family," read one posting.

Another wrote: "He's a Canadian of convenience... every single (member of the Khadr family) are not real Canadians."

At the National Post, a reader's letter:

Omar Khadr made his bed; let him lie in it. He betrayed Canada, and would do so again if given the opportunity by our legal system. He should be stripped of his citizenship. To consider him an object of pity cheapens the sacrifices made for Canada by so many others.

Doug Stallard, New Glasgow, N. S.

Morally bankrupt bigoted asshats.  The fact that Omar Khadr's "family patriarch" is a member of Osama Bin Laden's family is of little import.  Members of the Bin Laden family have been good friends with the George Bush, H. W. AND W., families for twenty years:

George Bush Sr. was in a business meeting at the Ritz Carlton Hotel in Washington on the morning of September 11th with one of Osama Bin Laden's brothers.

Exclamation mark.

Mere association with the Bin Laden family does not a criminal make.  (Okay, okay, maybe the Bush example isn't the greatest, since Junior became a war criminal, but you get the idea).  It does seem to be established that Omar Khadr's association with the Bin Laden's was less than business-like.  It is alleged that he accompanied his father to both Pakistan and Afghanistan for "terrorist" training and that, allegedly, he was apprehended in Afghanistan by American troops after he allegedly threw a grenade at an American soldier and killed him.  There is little doubt that US troops nearly killed him in response.

Omar Khadr was fifteen years old at the time he was apprehended.  Any military training took place before that time.  Omar Khadr was a "child soldier", like Ishmael Beah, a former child soldier from Sierra Leone who has been welcomed in Canada with open arms.  Is that because the people he was trained to kill were Africans and not white Americans?

Khadr's mother assails the moral values of Canada and Canadians?  So do I.  As far as I know, that is no crime and certainly not a crime that can be attributed to the child.

"He's a Canadian of convenience"?  Not a "real" Canadian?  Well, there it is, the bigotry in all its gross ugliness.  Who are the "real Canadians" then?  The white anglos whose maternal and paternal great grandparents sailed from Southampton?  What about francophones?  First Nations people?  African, Caribbean, Polish, Ukrainian, Russian, Serbian, Croatian, Pakistani, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Phillipino, Latin American, Indian - you get the idea - Canadians?  How long do you have to be here before it "counts"? 

Khadr made his bed?  He's a terrorist?  I thought that we lived in a country under the rule of law.  I didn't know that it was acceptable to so many Canadians that one of our child citizens has been held for six years without trial.  I didn't know that we felt it acceptable to hold an accused person guilty and thus accountable for crimes that had not as yet been proven.

I didn't want to know that any of us, in Canada, believed that citizenship was something that could be stripped from us as a matter of convenience.

I am shocked that our government's betrayal of this child can be twisted to appear as if it's the child's betrayal of us.  What truly cheapens sacrifices made for Canadian freedom is our rejection of principles of democracy when it comes to Omar Khadr.

As it turns out, Khadr's "amoral" family is more principled than many other Canadians:

At the Khadr family's home, his sister Zaynab described the vitriol as misplaced.

"People have been blinded with rage, but I think they're putting it in the wrong place," she said.

"I'm not saying my brother is guilty and I'm not saying he's innocent. I'm saying that what's happening is not right - to an enemy or a friend."

How absolutely sane and reasonable of Ms Khadr.  How ... "Canadian" of her.

Some have said that the interrogation of young Mr. Khadr by members of CSIS was pretty serene, pretty tepid, not particularly shocking and so ... Canadian.  Who could object?

It is not so much the behaviour of the CSIS interrogators that bothers me.  It is the condition of young Mr. Khadr.  His tangible fear of his American captors.  His reference to "torture".  His perfectly understandable despair.  What bothers me is how he got that way.  That his fellow citizens didn't give a flying FUCK what had already happened to him or what might happen to him.

No there weren't any scenes of young Mr. Khadr being tortured on the tapes.  Did anyone seriously expect THAT?  We have other evidence that Mr. Khadr was mistreated besides these tapes.  We know that he was a "frequent flyer" (I just love how we use these harmless euphemisms to refer to psychological abuse); moved from cell to cell every three hours for months so that his sleep was constantly interrupted.  He has made other allegations of abuse:

Omar Khadr alleges serious mistreatment by his U.S. captors — including that he was threatened with rape and was used as a mop to clean up urine on his cell floor — in his first public comments since he was detained on an Afghanistan battlefield in 2002.

The Toronto-born accused terrorist, who was 15 when the U.S. government claims he lobbed a hand grenade that fatally injured a U.S. special forces soldier, also says he told a Canadian delegation in 2003 that the Americans “would torture” him — so he told them “whatever they wanted” to hear.

The first-person allegations are contained in eight typed pages of an affidavit Mr. Khadr, now 21, swore for submission to a war-crimes commission the United States established to try terror suspects following the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks.

In preparation for public release, U.S. censors have blacked out certain portions, citing concern terrorists could discover — and presumably prepare to resist — specific interrogation techniques.

In one untouched passage, Mr. Khadr recalls how, at age 16, he was used as a mop after he had been cuffed in various contorted positions for at least an hour, and urinated on himself and the floor.

“Military police poured pine oil on the floor and on me,” Mr. Khadr says. “And then, with me lying on my stomach with my hands and feet cuffed together behind me, the military police dragged me back and forth through the mixture of urine and pine oil on the floor.”

There is plenty of evidence that the US has engaged in the torture of its detainees at Guantanamo Bay.  Where is Doug Stallard from New Glasgow, Nova Scotia's outrage about the betrayal of democratic principles and values by his Canadian government?

We need a serious awakening.  Those of us who have been quite miserably awake for too long now must raise our voices to our reprobate Prime Minister, our asshat MPs, and anyone else whose attention we can rouse to stop the torture, to stop the illegal detainments and to bring Omar Khadr home!  We are the only fucking Western country that has not done so!  We are George Bush's ASS WIPES!

I hope that, as in the case of Henry Morgentaler's Order of Canada, the voices of the spinning spineless Canadians are just the ones that are being heard more loudly at the moment rather than truly representative voices or I'm gonna have to move to freezing Iceland.

UPDATE I:  Comments from Stephen Harper, Khadr's Canadian lawyer, Dennis Edney and his US lawyer, Lieutenant-Commander William Kuebler:

Edney asked why Harper would criticize China's human rights record but ignore the situation in Guantanamo.  

"It boggles my mind that this prime minister is prepared to criticize China over human rights and is prepared to lambaste Mexico for the way its criminal justice system is applied to a Canadian," he said.  

"But when you have a young Canadian who is in Guantanamo Bay whom Canadian courts have said has been abused and tortured, our government remains silent."  

Kuebler said the U.S. would probably have complied with a request from Harper to have Khadr transferred into Canadian custody -- but the request hasn't been made. 

As a result, Kuebler said, any harsh treatment endured by Khadr is Canada's responsibility.  

"The Canadian government has continued to hide behind assurances for the U.S. government that Omar Khadr is being treated humanely when it knew that . . . those assurances were false," he said.

UPDATE II:  I'm moving this link up from the comments, video of FOX newscast with Lt.C. Ralph Peters saying "we should have killed that punk on a battlefield where it was legal to do so".  Riveting.  Disgusting.

http://muslimsagainstsharia.blogspot.com/2008/07/ltc-ralph-peters-on-omar-khadr-gitmo.html

Thanks to Muslims Against Sharia

I'm downright ashamed of myself for my post title early this morning, "George Carlin R.I.P."  George would hate that. He's not resting in peace. He can't rest, peacefully or otherwise. George passed away. No, er, George "expired"; "like a magazine subscription". No no, George suffered a "terminal episode", he had a "negative therapeutic outcome". No. George. Carlin. Died. George. Is. Dead.

Ah fuck, I had an involuntary personal protein spill.

Scott Stantis

Yes, another day, another double posting from Lyrical. I could not let the first day of National Masturbation Month go by unannounced though. It's big news, yes? This month's activities include, oh yes, a Masturbate-a-thon in San Francisco (try leaving the sign up sheet for sponsors for that event in your break room at work!). I believe this is the 11th anniversary of National Masturbation Month (jesus, I never thought I would type the word "masturbate" or any of its variations so many times in one paragraph - let me keep going, maybe I can break some kind of record).

Oddly enough, National Masturbation Month begins as we wrap up National Orgasm Month, though I can't help but think they really could have combined the two and been totally okay. And honestly, has anyone been withholding, just to wait for May? Seriously?

In honor of self-love, I thought I would share with you my least favorite euphemism for masturbation - and honestly, it's not that I'm a prude, it's just that I think that some of these sayings are ridiculous, and should be left in the high school locker room in which they originated. My least favorite? "Rub one out". Hate it. So, Happy National Masturbation Month - and if you have a euphemism you hate (or one you love, hey, let's be fair), toss it in the comments.

It ain't just a town in Austria! 

Well, I haven't done one of these in awhile.  And until my creative juices get flowing again, this will just have to do.  Please feel free to add your favorite colorful phrase to the bunch:

EUPHEMISMS FOR "FUCKING"

Doin' it

Doin' the nasty

bumping fuzz

bumping uglies

grinding grodies

screwing

nailing

hammering

pounding

drilling

'caulking'

laying pipe

pile drivin' (double-entendre for anal sex)

slamming

slipping the sausage (to)

riding the baloney pony

riding the hobby horse

riding the love machine

afternoon delight

making love

makin' da sexy

having sex

having a 'conjugal'

copulating

coitus

making the beast with two backs

humping

humpin' and pumpin'

pump-n-dump

kum-n-go

spurt-n-split

tapping it (or 'dat')

hitting it

jumpin' on the meat trampoline

makin' babies

plantin' seed

partin' the red sea

givin' him (or her) a squirt

givin' him (or her) the hot beef injection

takin' his (or her) temp with the meat thermometer

having "mommy and daddy" time

Goin' to the 'drive in'

horizontal mambo

gettin' bizaaay

CNN: Affirmative action ban heads for ballot in 5 states

Right. And al Qaeda is composed of "Anti-Western Activists," illegal aliens are "undocumented workers," the top abortion provider merely wants to help you "plan" your "parenthood," and the local drug dealer is just an "unlicensed pharmacist."

My ass.

God, Orwell was right.

For instance, the paper quotes Rick Wagoner, CEO of General Motors, telling auto analysts on January 17: "As we look out, we've got to be realistic that we are facing some tough headwinds, particularly here in the U.S., with a relatively weak industry."  Jerry Yang of Yahoo and G. Kennedy Thompson of Wachovia are also invoked, among others.

Business does this. I remember when I started out in business, you had to have excellence. Everybody had to have a (usually pristine and unread) copy of Tom Peters and Robert Waterman's lengthy, repetitive, preachy tome on the subject, In Search of Excellence, on proud display on their desktop. No meeting was complete without a segment in which people talked about excellence, the drive to achieve excellence, and a lot of cheering and hand-clapping in recognition of those who had in some way quantified or demonstrated extreme excellence.

Not long after we all searched for and found excellence, we moved on to Quality. We had Quality circles and Quality focus groups and Quality meetings to achieve Productivity. For about three years we had so much Quality everywhere that we actually killed it. Now nobody can talk about Quality without getting a pretty good laugh at the mention of the word.

As I noted, Quality was often a screen for the process by which Productivity was achieved. In case you didn't know, which I'm sure you do, Productivity was a euphemism for firing people and making other people do their jobs. When you have fewer people doing more, you ipso facto have more Productivity. That is why I have always hated Productivity. Speaking personally, when I am achieving maximum Productivity, I am usually exhausted.

Buzzwords function to mask the true meaning of things. That's why the most prevalent ones at any time usually have to do with something nasty. In the case of Excellence, you had a bunch of middle managers patting each other on the back in an orgy of self-congratulation. Quality was an excuse to plunge an organization into what amounted to a Stalinist socialist re-education program, delivering the afflicted company to the doorstep of Productivity, which produced Re-Engineering that created Decruitment of Excess Personnel, then some Headcount Rationalizations and then everybody was looking for their Cheese, which apparently was moved. 

And now we have Headwinds. Oh Captain my Captain, your fearful ship boldly wends its way forth over the choppy waves! The headwinds are vicious -- but it's a good vessel, fitted to perfection and utterly rightsized! The crew is dedicated! Our uniforms are crisp and natty, their golden buttons glowing in the spume and sunshine! Yes, the Headwinds are brisk, but we can make it! If anyone can, we can! After all, don't these Headwinds afflict us all? I mean, isn't everybody using the same word to describe them? Onward! Headwinds be damned!

It was a decent metaphor, I'll grant you that. But there's one thing about buzzword like it. They're all killed by overuse. And we're pretty much there, I think.

Here are a few suggestions for replacements as the credit crisis deepens, the dollar hawks up phlegm and everybody growing increasingly squirrelly about 08:

• Heavy Lifting, as in "We're going to have to do some heavy lifting to get the year off the ground, but we're hopeful."
• Monkey Meat, as in "The rest of the quarter looks like a lump of monkey meat.
• A Bag of Worms, as in "This is a fine bag of worms we've gotten ourselves into, but we see the later part of 08 still pretty solid."
• A Deep and Muddy Swamp, as in "The continuing failure of our debt instruments is leading us further and further into a deep and muddy swamp from which there looks to be no escape at this time other than to live through it and try to come out the other side alive."

Goodness. That doesn't sound very euphemistic, does it? Why don't we just say that business stinks and forget about it?

The fetus was developed enough that the "little hand was about the size of my thumb. The little fingers were rolled up," he said. "One of the things that will probably stick with me for a long time, and forever, is that little hand, the way those fingers were turned, that had been burned off the arm. That is bizarre. That is tragic. And it's disgusting."

This is the text I found on CNN. The AP and Tribune carried edited versions of the same remarks. Yet as I scan the right wing 'news' sites and blogosphere I don't see anything about this story at all. Even various clever searches couldn't find any kind of response or commentary about this story, yet I did easily find right wing carping about murders and crimes committed by Muslims and foreigners not being covered by the 'liberal' media. Of course, that the rapist in the above tale was a Marine Corporal and his victim a Lance Corporal under his command might have something to do with why even such shocking testimony about the remains of the fetus by the sheriff isn't enough to get those who are usually so eager to rant about the citizenship of the unborn utterly silent about the gruesome crime committed against this 8-month pregnant woman. That Cpl. Cesar Armando Laurean wasn't taken into custody after Cpl. Lauterbach reported the rape to her superiors might also be a source of embarassment to knee jerk reactionaries because it certainly doesn't show that our armed forces take crimes against women very seriously. Of course, the left is sure to write about crimes US soldiers commit against Iraqi women, but is it possible the right wing is willing to ignore the rape and murder an American Marine (and her fetus) just because the criminal is an American soldier?    

Of course they are. Because to acknowledge this case would mean to acknowledge the many incidences of rape and other crimes perpetrated on women by American soldiers and Pentagon-employed mercenaries. Incidentally, that's what Blackwater and those folks are regardless of whatever euphemisms the media employs. Contractors come to your house to make repairs and additions, not indiscriminately drop tear gas or fire automatic weapons into crowds. But then, the surge is working and the war is going so great that Bush is going to keep the troops there even longer so why bother discussing these ugly trivialities? This war is about stopping the rape, torture, and murder of innocents so it's really inconvienent to acknowledge any collateral rape, torture or murder it may produce.   

That Laurean was allowed to walk free and continue to work closely with his victim even after she reported the crime is outrageous. That the Pentagon won't investigate KBR for the allegations made against it's mercenaries in Iraq is disgusting. What America has become as a result of the place George W Bush has dragged us is disgraceful. We are better than this.

Wow...this is FUGLY. My main focal point is the fat midget. The lanky guy with "too tight" pants is a bonus for today. This mainly qualifies as attempting to be tr00 because of that guy all the way on the left wearing a Cephalic Carnage shirt. I'm taking the head-to-toe path in my attempt to ridicule this false metaller. Game on, bitches!

1. Nice mullet. That only went out of style about 2 decades ago. Also, the handlebar mustache is unacceptable. You look like you were pigging out on chocolate and weren't so neat. Now you have what looks like shit all over you. Also, you're teeth are hideously ugly--go see a dentist, please!

That was just starter stuff...nothing too big yet (pun absolutely intended, fatty). Onto what really makes you a false...

2. Lots of leather...damn. Those studs are liek, totally uber kewl and tr00! If I wanted, I could get some at Hot Topic...which is probably where you got them...which is scary because you look at least 37 and Hot Topic's products are aimed at teens.

3. Nice leather on your wrists. That looks like it would constrict blood flow and seems to serve no logical purpose. Fucking brilliant.

4. I see that you have two studded belts around your neck and arms from some unknown reason. Is it because they wouldn't fit around your waist? That would make a lot of sense, seeing as that you're really fat.

5. Those shorts are way too small for your own good. I'll make this simple: Too much thigh!

6. I have no clue what the purple thing around your neck or the red thing in your hand is, so consider yourself lucky for now. Lastly, I find it hilarious how you look so incredibly off balance. Your right ankle looks like it's about to give up on you, and I don't blame it--it works way too hard. Now you will have to be rolled from place to place. And cover the gut. I thought that was self explanatory, but I've realized that idiots don't see things logically...at all, so remember that extra point. Freak...Not even Rob Halford wears that much leather and studs, but at least he is a respectable person who was very tr00. You are not.

BONUS ROUND

This will be the first False that I will be ridiculing who is not over 300 pounds. Let's applaud this person for weight control.

**applause**

Ok, that's over...let's get to buisness

1. Your hairdo looks ever older. Did that style die out in the 60s or the 70s? I have no clue, nor do I care.

2. You're also a spiker? Aww shit. This is like playing Minesweeper--I don't want to see any of those little pieces of shit, yet I always end up landing on on after 10 seconds of randomly clicking things. They're on your ugly jacket, which is three sizes too small for you. You don't have blubber to warm you like your buddy over there does, so you actually need clothes.

3. Oh no...are you wearing a cross that Black Sabbath members are known for wearing? What...a...false...

4. All I will ask here is why the fuck do you have a leopard-skin pattern on your spandex, and why are sunglasses hanging on it. Also, why is that spandex only covering your abdomen? NEXT! FUCKING NEXT!

5. Rainbow colored short-shorts that are way to short and way too tight. I have no desire to see the rather small bulge around your crotch, and I doubt anyone else wants to as well. I hope I don't have nightmares because of you.

6. More spikes. At least you can fit one of the around your waist, and the ones around your wrists won't stop blood flow. Nevertheless, you look like an ass.

7. Here we are...at the apex of this insult-ridden post. My final insult is that...you're wearing black socks with shorts! What a fucking false...

Ugh...that was painful. You sicken me. Don't dress like fools next time you leave the house. Also, Cephalic Carnage suck, so that other guy loses a bit of tr00-ness as well. The only remotely tr00 person in the pic is the guy in the lower left hand corner. I have no doubt that he bending over and laughing at these fools just as much as I did. Stop looking like idiots! Stupidity is an epidemic these days...

I guess she COULD really need a differential diagnosis

A co-worker of mine (let's call her Tara [not her real name]) asked to borrow a DVD from me, so I brought it in with me yesterday. She came up to my office around 2:30 to pick it up. This morning, I heard her supervisor talking to another woman in my office, and the supervisor mentioned that Tara was out sick today and that "she came down with something late yesterday afternoon." And I'm thinking to myself "Um, yeah, she came down with Season Two of House on DVD..!"

Euphemism central (because there are lots of things you can't say around goats unless you want them repeated at very awkward times)

1) We don't use the word "stupid" in my house. I don't like that word. At ALL. (We don't say "hate" either, LOL we just "don't like that. AT ALL" a lot.) And although I think this is a good policy, it left me casting about for a different word to use whenever I encounter stupid things. So now, I have a horrible horrible habit of referring to things that are nonsense as "retarded." (I KNOW! I said it was horrible!) I'm usually pretty PC about my word choices, but this one just comes flying out whenever I come across things that are beyond my ability to wrap my brain around (the Vigo County School Corporation, the library's Voyager database stats tracking system, et cetera et cetera ad nauseum...) Thanks to an "Overheard" entry today, though, I can cease to call things "retarded." Now, they're "very, very Australian.")
B) My friend Heather (yes, her real name) is at seminary in DC, so she is trying very hard to adapt her trucker mouth (hello, kettle? This is pot....) to her calling. Of course, living in DC can be a little tense at times, so the multi-purpose "Eff YOU!" has been pretty hard to cull from her speech. Last week, though, she had to deal with a very not helpful bookstore clerk while looking for a travel-sized Bible and finally ended her encounter by saying sweetly "I'll just go to Cokesbury, then..." VOILA! The unacceptable FU has become "Go to Cokesbury!"
IV) Thanks to Tuesday's Dilbert, I'll never again have to say "when hell freezes over." Henceforth, all questions that used to prompt that response will be answered with the charming "I'll send you a widget..."

Goat for Sale. Cheap!

This morning, after we dropped off the Princess, P2 and I were alone in the car on our way to drop him off at day camp. It's warm hot and swampy here in the Haute today and he's going to be outside a lot today since he's doing a fishing trip, so I picked out a pair of soccer shorts and a lightweight white t-shirt for him to wear (Yes, I know he can dress himself. But A) I get tired of the Spider-Man wardrobe, and 2) Goat-dressing is a recognized and respected rodeo sport; why shouldn't I get as much practice as I can?) We chatted happily in the car for a few minutes about his day ahead. It must have been just too sweet and fun and wholesome for my sarcastikid to handle, because when I did my Mom-as-Pollyanna "You're really going to have a great day!" bit (once a cheerleader, always a cheerleader, I guess) all of a sudden, his eyes did that sparkly thing they do when his wicked sense of humor surfaces, and he said "Well, yeah. If you hadn't made me wear this totally lame shirt, anyway."

Carlin talks about how our culture (especially government and corporate officials) has come to use "soft language" and euphemisms to hide or distract from the truth. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find the whole routine in one clip, but you can see the first part here (start at 2:14 and go to the end) and the rest here (start at 4:45 and go to the end).

There are plenty of other examples. Here are just a few that I've come across:

• explosion = spontaneous energetic disassembly
• Civilian casualties during the war = collateral damage
• Killing the enemy = servicing the target
• Genocide = ethnic cleansing
• Firing people = downsizing or right-sizing
• Sewage sludge = biosolids
• Clearcuts = vista enhancement
• Kill (animal) = harvest
• Landmines = area denial munitions
• Torture = tough questioning/physical persuasion
• Prisoners of war = enemy combatants
• Death/labor camp = joycamp
• Subdue by force = pacify
• Factory farm = concentrated animal feeding operation
• Kill an animal (usu. In lab setting) = sacrifice

What other ones have you heard?

Language is such a powerful tool. It has influenced and shaped the beliefs and actions and values of billions. Language can be extremely persuasive. It can help people empathize; it can make people angry; it can spur people to action, both violent and peaceful. But language should be used with compassion and awareness. It should always be accurate. It should be truthful. It shouldn’t be used to hurt or destroy.

Consider your own words before you speak, and think about the meaning and intent of words that seem less than straightforward. It's what George would have wanted.

~ Marsha

In order to help you read between the lines in an MLS listing, I offer to you this helpful example and glossary.

Example: a typical MLS listing

Charming and cozy 2 bedroom house. Enjoy summer breezes in this lovingly decorated perfect starter home, with sunny, low-maintenance yard. Modern kitchen, 1 and a half baths, partially finished basement. Homey, and ready to move in!
Location features:
• easy access to freeway
• excellent cell phone reception
• close to amenities
• friendly, mature neighborhood

Glossary of Terms:
charming: run-down
cozy: cramped
summer breezes: house is drafty, may have windows missing or holes in roof
lovingly decorated: all the carpets are magenta, and there is loud wallpaper in every room
perfect starter home: you'll want to move out as soon as you can afford better
sunny: no trees or shade of any kind
low-maintenance yard: lawn is paved over
modern kitchen: kitchen done in the Modern style, circa 1960
1 and a half baths: the second bathroom has partially-installed fixtures, or there may be a toilet in the basement
partially finished basement: basement features water-stained shag carpet
homey: house has funky smells, possible from cat urine
Ready to move in!: home has been abandoned
easy access to freeway: next to an on-ramp
excellent cell phone reception: under a cell phone tower
close to amenities: across from a liquor and/or convenience store
friendly, mature neighborhood: may be near a strip club or adult bookstore

I hope that this information will be helpful to you in your house-hunting endeavors. If you have more terms to add to the glossary, I welcome your contributions!

-------------------------------
This week's Monday Mission, which I've chosen to accept in a roundabout way, was to write a post in the style of a real estate listing. For more listings, stop by Painted Maypole.

Thanks to maja for teaching me "low-maintenance yard" and "easy freeway access," terms that she may have actually seen in use.

As far as my weekend went... saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall... loved it... my roomie summed it up best, "it was everything I wanted Knocked Up to be."  Exactly.  Worked an awfully boring event on Saturday... it was a little bit of extra scratch which is always a blessing, but unfortunately it made me completely unavailable for the bachelor party I was supposed to attend.  I'm sure it will be horrible but I'm afraid I will have to take the groom out for a second mini-bachelor-party.  I did an improv show last night, and had a surprisingly decent crowd for a Sunday.  I'm doing another one again tonight, though I may only be doing tech, but considering the rate that my castmates are falling victim to a flu bug... I may wind up jumping into the show.  We shall see.

I'm going to kick today off with a video from a relationship website... if only because my roommate is in said video. Nothing wrong with shameless promotion of one's friends:

If you work at a company where your boss would have any reason to say this phrase, "We’re not the mean waterboarding company that people think we are," it's time to start sending out resumes:

Team-building through torture

Ok... it's a Monday... some of us need something naughty to look at... more importantly I'm going to conduct my own experiment... you see wordpress has this awesome feature that will show you exactly what people typed into google to find your blog. This is based mostly on the 'tags' and for the most part I get hits from odd things like, "country girl freeman." But I get a significant boost whenever I tag things like "naked asians," or "rockstar nude scenes." Yes, the internet is for porn... we know that... but this experiment is so much more. I'm going to tag each of the Baywatch babes individually along with the word topless and we'll see how many hits I get per name... place your bets now:

10 Best Baywatch stars topless scenes

I know how this guy feels... sometimes mall bathrooms can just be disgusting, why bother going into one at all when you can just...:

Take a dump in a potted plant... in the middle of the mall

Now I don't know much about coaching a baseball team... but I would've pulled my pitcher long before it became a concern over, "protecting his pitching arm." Much less would I call it a pitching arm:

66 runs in less than 2 innings

One technique is all I ever really needed... I didn't think it was complicated. It's not a chili recipe... I thought everyone kinda did it the same way. I am absolutely shocked to find there are more ways to do it:

Top 5 masturbation techniques

Nor did I know there were so many euphemisms for the above process:

Consulting with your silent partner

I'm a day late for all you 420 celebrators... but frankly if you celebrated the day yesterday, you're probably not sure what day it is today:

Inventive and Unique bongs (for tobacco use only)

Apologies to non-gamers... not that I'm a gamer... but you know... some people enjoy this sort of thing...:

Best video game story lines ever

This really is more of a Friday video but... I couldn't wait to share this one... it brings me such joy. A little after the 3 minute mark it gets even more uncomfortable... if you can fathom that... this may be the greatest piece of cinema about an elderly phone sex worker ever... it's probably the only piece of cinema, but I don't think anyone can ever top this:

So everyone is talking about Jane Fonda's slip up on the Today Show, but they're all forgetting about the fine line between art and a foul mouth. Jane was frank, and called a monologue by its proper name. She wasn't using the word in reference to another woman. NBC is freaking out, but what's the big deal?

A similar thing happened at CBS, only it didn't occur in front of millions of viewers. It happened over the phone, between two women: a boss and an employee. When said incident was reported by the employee, CBS HR didn't blink an eye.

Which leaves me with these questions: What happened to feminism and camaraderie among women in the work place? It no longer exists -- did it ever?

Before going freelance, every time I interviewed for a job I'd always get a sinking feeling when learning the boss would be a female. I hated that feeling and it led me to a theory: Perhaps women today are creating a glass ceiling for their fellow female competitors. A whole "me first," cut-throat environment where women are stomping (or shall I say, strutting) right over each other in their sky-high stilettos. Maybe Mike Nichols & Kevin Wade weren't that far off in Working Girl. Maybe we haven't made it any farther than the teased hair and shoulder pads of the '80s.

We women have to have clubs and organizations to find mentors, appreciation/respect, our own networking groups and a place to learn entrepreneurship. Men don't need these clubs, all they need is a sport to use as their networking tool. A competitive drive comes naturally, but with that also comes respect and an organically-grown mentorship. I doubt you'd ever hear a man screaming to a male employee (or even a female employee for that matter) over the phone on a Labor Day weekend Sunday, after an 80-hour work week: "You cunt! You'd better fucking be in the office tomorrow even if you're not being paid for it."

And what did said employee say to the female boss after such a remark? "I quit."

-Downtown

I have a dangerous tendency towards blunt speech. I mean physically dangerous. I can still feel the stings and bruises I’ve received for my loose tongue, and even carry a scar on my neck from my angry ex-girlfriend’s nails (she’ll probably beat me again when she reads this).

But guys like me are in luck. This week, R.W. Holder releases the newest edition of his book, How Not to Say What You Mean: A Dictionary of Euphemisms. Holder has made a truly exhaustive search to catalogue our evasive speech, and his findings are a testament to human creativity. When I first got my hands on Holder’s dictionary, I thought of it as a funny book to flip through while I was bored. Now I realize it has much greater value as a resource. 

Perhaps if I’d told the women I met this past summer that I was “at liberty,” rather than “an unemployed deadbeat,” they would at least have taken the time to make an excuse before running in the opposite direction. If only I’d had the sense to tell my friend that I “bestowed my enthusiasm on [to copulate promiscuously with]” his sister (who happens to be quite a “bit of crumpet” [a woman viewed sexually by men]), maybe I wouldn’t have forfeited his extra Yankees tickets. 
No matter what your minor faults are, Holder probably offers a way to gloss over them. Even President Bush could benefit. Instead of telling Condoleezza Rice “I may need a bathroom break” in the middle of a meeting with the UN General Assembly, he might have said “I need to visit the House of Commons.” A bit more professional sounding, though perhaps a slight to our steadfast allies across the pond. Thank you, R.W. Holder, for allowing the verbally uninhibited among us to tap into the centuries-old tradition of deceit that the English language has to offer.

In the same way that I do not go "to the little girls' room" or "pop out for a lite bite to eat", I am not "a big girl"; nor am I "a larger lady". I am not "big-boned", "well-built" or "solid". I say "what?", not "beg pardon?". I go to the loo; I don't "powder my nose".

I am (obviously) hilariously funny, but I am by no means "bubbly" - and the only time you'll hear a slim person described as having a "lovely personality" is if they've tumbled out of the ugly tree, hitting a few branches on the way down.

I am not "Rubenesque". I am definitely "curvy", but then so's the Michelin Man. You can't be "chubby" if you're more than twelve years old, and "cuddly" (particularly in internet dating profile speak) means that you probably have difficulty walking and/or have tiny animals living in your folds.

I am a great many things (frighteningly beautiful, extremely clever, gifted with the ability to play all of the works of Alan Parsons on the Glockenspiel, shit at Scrabble, good at dancing in the comedy style), and one of the things I also happen to be is fat. Or overweight. Either way, I weigh more than I should.

I would like to continue to play the works of Alan Parsons on the Glockenspiel because that simple act enriches my life and that of those around me, but being fat does not. I am not that bothered about clothes (my simple but perfect beauty usually serves to distract attention away from my cellulite-reducing leggings), but I would like to live until I am quite old and not get diabetes and/or need a winch to get in and out of the bath.

I have therefore decided to stop being fat and try and weigh what I should weigh, give or take a slight allowance to account for the weight of my enormous brain. "But how will you do this thing?", I hear you cry. Quite simple, my friends: I shall eat less and move around more! I hear it is all the rage in weight-loss circles, so I am going to give it a try. Wish me luck!

Coming soon: I write about weight-loss using a paragraph that does not start with "I".

I am usually reluctant to write introspective entries. I fear that they all-too-often degenerate into uninteresting, solipsistic musings. If I wanted to put that sort of thing on the internet, I'd get a LiveJournal. But I was recently convinced that introspection can, on occasion, produce something interesting. This, in combination with a throwaway sentence in the Search for Number Nine, set me thinking about my own viewing habits.

Cameron Probert's Law of Viewer Curmudgeon-hood:

The amount of hype a series gets is inversely proportional to how much a curmudgeon will like a series.

What is a curmudgeon? Traditionally, 'curmudgeon' indicates an individual who's miserly and churlish. When it comes to my own viewing habits, I'm miserly with my time and churlish about other people's opinions. Here's how this works:

1. A studio famous for making good anime (let's call them . . . uh . . Cute-oh Animation) produces an adaption of famously good source material (plucking a title out of the air, a visual novel called The Irish Family).
2. The otakusphere has a collective bloggasm. (One of those hentai ones which looks like a fire extinguisher being unleashed, and winds up all over your face, your clothes and your priceless first Penguin edition of Lady Chatterley's Lover.)
3. I feel churlish about the attention The Irish Family is getting, and the plaudits which are heaped upon Cute-oh Animation.
4. So, being miserly with my time, I resolve to ignore The Irish Family and replace it on my viewing schedule with something classic involving robots fighting, by a different studio (for example's sake, let's suppose they're called Dawn).

In my case, I act as a curmudgeon before I watch the series concerned, rather than while watching it. So you might formulate The Animanachronism's Law of Viewer Curmudgeon-hood thus:

As the amount of hype surrounding a series increases, the chance that The Animanachronism will watch it decreases.

When I resolve positively not to watch a series, I call myself a 'recusant' (so, for example, I'm an 'Irish Family recusant'). Recusants were originally those who refused to attend Anglican church services during a period of the long and not-entirely-glorious history of the Church of England when attendance at the Church's services was legally compelled. Most recusants were Catholics, though some were non-Anglican Protestants, and so certain modern English Catholics who have long family histories of Catholicism have adopted the word 'recusant' as a positive term.

In any case, because I consider my action to be a positive refusal to turn up to the holy duty that is the Irish Family communion [now there's a loaded phrase!], rather than an apathetic failure to watch it, I call myself a recusant.

This is the Irish band Clannad.
They're unrelated to The Irish Family.
They probably use violins.

[Should I decide in the end to watch a series which I initially decided against, I sometimes like it. The objective quality [if such a thing exists - and yes, I am planning an entry on the subject] of a series does not depend, after all, on the scale or the enthusiasm of the otakusphere's reaction.

In fact, Code Geass, the series which famously ruined me for objectivity, initially received a curmudgeonly reaction from me. Mainly because I didn't know what it was about, being less plugged in to the otakusphere at the time. But this is by-the-by.]

Of course I don't entirely lack all experience of The Irish Family. I still get a sketchy idea of the show via the entries of other bloggers (most recently this one and this one, for example) and /a/. This is a very good example of a heavily mediated experience; in a sense, I am watching Cute-oh Animation's latest adaption, just in a blog, darkly.

Mediated, vicarious experience is an interesting concept. I can think of some other instances: the reports of bloggers who are, unlike oneself, attending a convention; online summaries of the Zero no Tsukaima light novels; and Robotech. An idea to store away for future use.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go watch an episode of Dawn's Theta Fundam saga.