1.    Sell the car
2.    Cancel auto insurance
3.    Close all credit card accounts
4.    Delete as many on line identities as possible (e.g. blogs, social networking sites, etc.)
5.    Abandon all other (non-delete-able) Internet identities (e.g. e-mail, etc.)
6.    Sell all but the most necessary belongings (e.g. clothing)
7.    Accumulate as much cash as possible
8.    Discontinue all phone services
9.    Terminate employment
10.    Terminate housing arrangement (including utilities, etc.)
11.    Withdraw all funds and close bank accounts
12.    Pick a compass point and buy a bus ticket for somewhere in that general direction

These steps are personalized for my situation, but I suppose they could be adapted.

So what happens when I get there? I don't know. Maybe I'll do it someday and find out. I imagine that would make an interesting blog entry.

I don't know it's so hard or I didn't know it is this hard?

Second guessing, third guessing, fourth guessing. Consultations, theory discussions, the time spent is only to talk about my probabilities. So kan, terima kasih kepada mereka yang menyertai VSS (Voluntary Suessy-counselling Scheme) ini yang tidak memberikan sebarang pulangan dalam bentuk wang ringgit sejuk dan keras (cold hard cash) tetapi kasih sayang yang berbelah bahagi berdasarkan kelapangan masa dan wang ringgit... haha!

Roha: Right now, believe that this is the best that has been set for you.

+ + +

Suka tengok Sachi mengajar Masao how to love her. Sangat funny and naive and innocent and kelakaruuu - expect moi in Japanese slang these days... walaupun tak betul. Driving Vesper felt like Kyoko driving her little red Opel, learning to talk and bowing your head at the same time, observing which premise practices the ultimate humbleness a la Japanese way of greeting their customers.

Roha: (she said something here... I couldn't recall).
Moi: Dosh-teyyy (Japanese for Why?) Eh, bukan, this is not what I'm supposed to say. It's supposed to be, Sok-kha (Japanese for Really?).
Roha: (suppressing her laugh since she's at the office).

Haiiihhh poyooo. Pardon the terrible spelling. My course of program, with its exceptional mode, only offers Mandarin and Arabic for third language class. None of them appeal to me, amid its importance.

For now, I want to learn how to say these in Japanese: Sorry! This is too direct isn't it? This is hardly dignified. I can't control myself.
Sensei Sachi: Aahh.. go-meh! Shi-ku-yo-neh? Shi-ku shi-ku! Aahh... mohh... atashi wo kajaii nashi! Kat-ta yuki-u.

Doesn't make sense is it? LMAO.

Ini pun Sachi nak kena ajar Masao. Walk a little bit slower so we can have more time together. Can I touch you? I don't want to go home so can I stay at your place?

To which Anysz asked moi: Kau berani nak 'fess up?
Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiile!!!

+ + +

Oh babes, I did DIY threading... the area bawah the nose and on the upper lip? Takpe, the pain is within my control. Boleh handle. Antara berani tak berani lea jugak but the zone is now hair-free.

+ + + 

A sample of  Roha's wedding video clip. That's not moi.

+ + +

Tomorrow... we're meeting Carrie Bradshaw and the gang! Merci, Roha, merci, merci, merci for thee tickets!!! Rasa nak menitis air mata. Melonjak-lonjak. Menggedik-gedik. Start puasa, sebab esok kena kurus. Sanggup tak nak makan. Bagi Vesper makan, takpe. Dia perlukan kelinciran - perjalanan - untuk membawa ku dari KJ to JKL, okey?

Merapu.

Life doesn't always turned out to be your fantasy... that's why you need friendships that are real to get you through it all.

The second part of the line rang so true to moi.

Whoa... can't deny he looks good in that suit. The elongated torso... though he's darker than to be expected of a tall, dark, and handsome.

Then again, devils just have to look good.

I thought I was doing everything right, or at least trying to. But here's the thing, I now realize that no matter what I bring into my life, it's all going to slip between my fingers if I don't fix myself at the core.

I don't need to recreate my external world. As I get older, I can see that I've gone that route too many times. It's time to take a hard look at myself and figure out why life has never gotten better no matter where my home is. It's not easy to do, and I know now that I can't do it on my own.

I'm so fortunate to have the friends that I do, they're my family. But it's gotten to the point where I can see the pain in their eyes as they watch me self-destruct. My personal problems have now permeated everything and everyone around me. Co-dependency, self-medicating and escapism have been my downfall.

No matter how many times I've felt my heart ache in these past few months, I know I've arrived at this point for a reason. All of this pain that I am going through is necessary to become the person I want to be. Every last drop.

I'm not going to let this city turn me away. Because guess what? It's not the city, it's me. The only thing I am running from, is myself... and I'm too logical to keep planning an escape when I keep returning to the same place.

If I leave, it's going to be on my terms and not based off of delusional fear. My personal faults cannot be masked as external factors any longer... it's as if I've been chasing my own shadow.

I created this situation and I am the only one who can pick up the pieces. I feel like I'm finally taking the right path to become the person I know I'm capable of being. Big things are about to happen.

"Man looks into the abyss
There's nothing staring back at him
At that moment, man finds his character
And that is what keeps him out of the abyss."

- G.G. in Wall Street

ISBN# 0451462130

Ratings on scale of 1-10, 1 being the bottom of the barrel, 10the cream of the crop. (Also a WTF? rating Nuff said)

Plot;  5

Hook; 5

Characters; 5

Climax;  7

Soul;  4

Illustrations;  8

Reader Level;  PG-13

After reading Idlewild, I had such high hopes for the follow-up book.  I've seen the publisher mention that the books in this "trilogy" are stand alone.  My response, Hell no.  If I would of just picked up this book without reading Idlewild, there would be little compassion or interest for the characters. 

Nick Sagan did great in Idlewild using first person point of view, he offered glimpses from the main character and built up the suspense.  In Edenborn, he uses first person in a Dracula sorta way.  He has multiple characters giving their views of the events, just like good ole Bram did in Dracula.  Unfortunately, Nick Sagan bit off more than he could chew on this one.  There are a couple of good solid characters, Haiji, Pandora, heck even Malachi, but the rest are just footnotes.  They lack the depth and believability that was shown in the first novel.  One character, Deuce, seems to change from child, to hippie, to angry youth, and finally to anarchist all within a hundred pages.

To sum it up, it was like reading meandering time line of events that were more pebbles than milestones.  I hope Everfree makes up for this sag in the series.

My roommate/SO is annoying me so bad that I don't even want to look at him anymore. Looking at him is like bile sticking in the back of my throat. Two academics in the same small apartment should be banned. I have to fight for everything I say, because he disagrees with everything I say or think...even it's not about literature, theory, etc. I randomly mentioned outloud the knives weren't sharp enough to cut tomatoes, and it became a half hour argument about how I was cutting tomatoes wrong...what the fuck. This goes on day in and day out: the small annoying criticisms about my arguments, my evaluations of books, my theories on life, my comments about commercials, my "lack of knowledge" about life...as if he is the all-knowing center of the universe. And, the tone he uses when he criticizes or evaluates my speak has begun to feel like nails on a chalkboard. It is the most condescending, matter-of-fact tone that it makes me feel about 2 inches tall. Asshole. Asshole. Asshole.

On top of this, I'm reading this incredibly depressing, annoying novel that I can't put down but makes me want to just vanish. I mean I literally want to run away from everyone and everything. Unfortunately, I don't make enough money to do that... I don't make enough money to do much of anything, which means I'm stuck in this apartment that I hate right now because the asshole won't leave. So, I read. And read. And read.

But, reading is not enough. I still hate people right now. I want to kick the boy out of my life and tell him to go be the center of the universe somewhere else, to go make someone else's life depressing and exhausting. I want to just be done with this dissertation, so I can move on.

And being serenaded with Jason Mraz's A Beautiful Mess. Sooo nice.

+ + +

Where the hell is my card reader?

+ + +

Anysz: Ade pujian untuk kau dari Farizz. One day, kau dan Aniza (sibuk lea ade nama Aniza nihhh in the same sentence, ;-p), akan jadi the successful and bitchy boss.

Insya Allah... and that 50-foot yacht christined Vesper IV.

+ + +

The New List

1 set of cloth: RM 50
Fitted with lining kebaya batik: RM 150
1 120GB external hard drive w/casing: RM 230
1 wedding present (Juejue's)
1 Golla backpack: RM 240
Vesper's IC: RM 10
Vesper's Insurance: RM 950
Vesper's Checkup: RM 150
Skool Fee: RM 1,696
Maxis: RM 600

Total: RM 4,176.00
Fund: RM 0.00
Solution: RM 2,430 to go

+ + +

Anysz: Zaki kirim salam kat kau, dia cakap, "Abang tak balik malam ni."

+ + +

Zaki: Aku nampak kau kat Sek 14 hari tu, tengah layan customer.

+ + +

Self teaching myself Japanese watching Beautiful Life. Also self teaching myself how to mengorat someone who is 24/7 busy. Never a more opportunistic time, haha!

+ + +

M, I DO NOT want an older brother. I do not want a boyfriend.

+ + +

Anysz: Next, create the sexual tension in him.

+ + +

I like the line, taking a guess when the only answer is yes.

+ + +

I miss Roha, a lot. Memang aku ni sangat manja with her.

+ + +

For someone like Huda, aku terasa betul kesenyapan keadaan walaupun the environment around us is superbusy. The least lea, mesti ade a sexy and husky-voice lesbian calling aku kat office. Kau lea tu, Huda, hahahaha.

+ + +

Skool: Discuss proposal, belajar InDesign, participate in forum, buat assignment, more reading for assignment, reading up for quizzes, do online exercises.

I want a Firebolt. Or the access to the prefect's bathroom.

+ + +

Sudah benci berambut pendek, rasa tak professional at work with this cutting a la china doll. Tak reti maintain or improvise - yet. Kena belajar, maka kena lebih melabur.

Roha: Takde duit pun, buat-buat macam ada duit.

+ + +

Teringin nak pegi Euphoria.

+ + +

Next time karaoke, aku nak nyanyi lagu Lucky. Aku dah choreograph myself. Haha.

+ + +

Anysz: Kau sudah naik satu level, lagi, Suessy.

+ + +

Truthfully, I am still scared. Terlalu cautious sampai tergelincir. When you're in front of me, I tend to screw up.

But when you're not around, dang, I think of you every passing minute. If you'd appear then and there and ask the question, I would say yes.

But then, I am still scared...

Think when I am a girlfriend again, I will not be scared anymore. Kot.

Sing to me A Beautiful Mess. After you presented me a bouquet of lilies.

Demanding... haha!

Photo by recompose; creative commons license. 

One of my  friends who is heavily into astrology tells me that for much of the year thus far and for the next few months, we are dealing with three strong influences in the cosmic weather—a conjunction or near-conjunction of the True Node (karma), Chiron (healing/wounds), and Neptune (addictions/idealism/deception).  I’ve been watching this play out in plenty of mini-dramas at work and in my social circles, mainly where people are having to deal with the outcome of past decisions regarding ego. 

 From what I’ve observed around me, people seem to be forced to contend with past patterns.  If they’ve cleared out their shadows and done the self-work necessary, this is their chance to acknowledge the healing, and then they seem to be rising to a higher vibe in their lives, where everything is starting to come together.  It’s a grand reward for making positive changes in their lives and focusing on their life purpose. 

The other side of the coin from the grand reward, however, is the grand payback.   For those people who have been ignoring their shadows and escaping through all sorts of self-medications, this is a time when the proverbial chickens are coming home to roost (aka, that karmic True Node or North Node).  As I’ve said here before, addictions are our way of numbing some kind of pain—loneliness, rejection, boredom—and a way to escape (Neptune) the things in life that are too painful to work through.  Where there has been deception and self-deception, not living life as our authentic selves, this is the time when those deceptions will be revealed, and in the most painful way possible so that there is opportunity for healing through this wounding.

For example, I have one particular friend who has been longing for that idealistic long-term love connection but he’s been fooling way too many women—and himself—and self-medicating through his sexual fetishes.  He’s let himself get lost in fantasy rather than dealing with the possibility of both rejection and sheer bliss because fantasy has been safer.  He’s being forced now, as some unsavory photos have become available online, to contend with the bitter reality of scandal and losing his ultra-conservative dream career because the wrong person recognized him.  Regardless of how good he looks in a leash, the general public is neither forgiving nor understanding.  He’s been ignoring his own healing process since his last break-up two years ago,  and the fates aren’t going to let him continue his previous path of self-destruction. 

Cosmic weather, as I call it, doesn’t dictate that we’ll all get wet or hailed upon.  These are simply influences…cycles…that are in our environment right now.  In this case, they’re cycles of healing, karmic rewards and payback, and idealism/deception.  You can make of this weather what you want…just as if you know it’s night and cloudy, you may wish to carry a lantern and an umbrella or be willing to stumble and dodge lightning.

The prison system functions because, most cons know that one day, they will be released. In the meantime much of the time is spent talking and fantasizing about the possibility of escape. Although physically impossible, the option to do so mentally, using psychoactive drugs, is always available. Temptation is exacerbated by the boredom and over-crowded conditions.

Drugs are available within, and integral to the culture of every prison and psychiatric unit in the country. They are thrown over the wall in open prisons and smuggled in by prison officers at maximum security institutions. Whatever the circumstances, high levels of demand ensure a corresponding supply is sourced somehow.

Not only are offenders with existing drug problems likely to leave prison much the same but those who enter clean are unlikely to leave so. The cycle of offending and short-term custodial sentences, all too common among drug addicts continues growing.

Heroin is more prevalent in maximum security prisons than dope. An increase in the number of heroin users in the prison population is reflected and partly responsible for similar changes among the wider drug culture. With nothing to do and nowhere to go, stimulants such as cocaine and crack are less desirable.

Years ago, prison culture prescribed that addicts should be ostracized and treated with little more respect than 'grasses' and paedophiles. 10 years on, users constitute the majority. Although, some old-school villains are still totally opposed to heroin, it is known in prison culture as the best 'bird-killer'.

Drugs smuggled in at visiting time often pass from one orifice into another, which makes them difficult to detect and access. During visits, Prison officers patrol constantly, ready to pounce on any suspicious activity. Messages are relayed to them, by officers in a video-control room, via microphone and earpiece. Tables and chairs are kept low, designed so it is easier to see more. Inmates who are caught, are punished by the Governer. After a spell 'down the block' they are usually fined, and may also get time added to their sentence. Repeat offenders receive only closed visits, denying them any physical contact with family members.

Despite the latest security measures prisons are full of drugs. Stoned inmates are far more compliant than stressed-out, psyched-out, aggressive ones and the prison system is well aware of the fact, from cons to guards and Governers. Although, nothing can put a stop to drug-use inside prisons, drug-users should be able to access good quality rehabilitative treatment.

What struck me the most was, no shit, the music.  I knew every little blurb, bit, and beep that they played in the background and I'm sure I annoyed my kids with shouts of musical knowledge of; that was, who's playing what, etc..."Wow Dad we're impressed, now be quite and look at the funny face that guy is making."

Yet at one song I actually got emotional.  Bonzo goes to Bitburgby The Ramones.  I know that's not the actual title of the song, but hey 'scuse me right-wing-Johnny, it's what most fans know it by.  As some of you know, I am a Ramones fan.  They were a very important part of the bonding that my brother and I had while he was in his late teens, and I was in my formative preteen-teen years.  My brother was always listening to punk, industrial, and other off the wall music.  His room was above my room.  Noise filtered down, LP to the needle to the speakers to the stairs to my ears.  Noise became music became an interest became common ground. 

I would have him make me countless tapes to play on my wee shitty one speaker Hitachi tape player.  Most of the tapes were pure Ramones.  I loved their New York style and Joey had that voice that was so sweet.  Johnny just jammed those simple rifs, what kind of budding musical boob wouldn't love that sound.

I can still hear my brother singing Blitzkrieg Bop, or Rock and Roll High School.  Could he sing, hell no, he couldn't dance either, but that's a different story.  One of my first presents for my Brother that I ever bought him on my own, was a Ramones shirt.  Which he wore. Alot.  So many fucking memories, so many smiles, and so many fucking tears.

Now mind you, "Bonzo" didn't come out til 86 and the Ramones were already losing there punkishness and leaning toward pop at this point.  I don't think I even had this album.  But I remember the song and I loved the disappointment you could hear in Joey's voice during the chorus.  Touched me then, and hit me hard the other night.  It was like talking to the dead.  They were such a part of my brothers life, such a part of mine.  Silly, ain't it?

Maybe not.  Songs.  Good songs, always connect on an emotional level.  Lyrics, rifs and beats.  Something is magical there and reaching out to your soul, touching it, caressing it, ripping it to shreds.  That is magic.  One of the reasons I could never get into Buddhism was I just loved music too freaking much.  Would Buddha appreciate me belting out Run to the Hills by Maiden.  No, no, no....don't fill yourself with emotion, let it go.  Fuck it, I likes the music and all its power.  Music has a purpose, a spell-like power from some place in us.  It's another form of communication.  I remember at work, whenever I'd play Neil's "The Needle and Damage Done" my one friend would get this glazed look in his eyes and talk about his one Uncle who came back fucked up from 'Nam and a herion user.  They would sit around listening to Neil and CSNY.  It triggered a response, a memory, a feeling.  A voice, and a guitar.  Lyrics and sound.  Power, fucking power.  I think that's why Kerouac dug Jazz so much.  Those beats went past the music.  Past it, into it, around it, through it.  That's why I like Jazz too, cause I feel what the musician is trying to say.  Go man, go.  I'm sweating and digging ya, it's all good.  Magic.  Magic.  Magic.

So I watched the movie.  Loved spending the time with my kids.  Loved the music.  Loved the memories.  Thank God for music.

I equally despise romantic comedies. I find them utterly unrealistic, fanciful and annoying. Take Serendipity for example.. I mean.. really. REALLY. Come on, folks. Need I even go on? A sweater falling from the sky onto an ice skating rink? ???? Exactly. Of course there is some need for fantasy in entertainment because people, often (note: not everyone) use it (films, theatre, books, etc.) as forms of escapism. My girlfriends all LOVE romantic comedies and still i cannot wrap my head around the reason why.

1. HOW is it uplifting to watch the girl get the guy of her dreams?
2. HOW is it supposed to make me feel ANY better that she succeeded through all of these trials and tribulations, scaled the greatest mountain to find true love?
3. WHAT is her story going to do for me? Absolutely nothing. Some of my single girlfriends argue that "Oh, well, don't you get it? It's so sweet to see her happy.." and then I ask "Well WHY are you crying?" and they start ranting about how beautiful it was, how lucky she was, why-cant-I-find-a-guy-like-that?
4. HOW is this cathartic? It is depressing.

I know the definition of mimetic theory as well as the next lity. crit. freak but watching a sappy romantic comedy replete with uninspiring dialogue and the identical plot details is unfulfilling. In fact, it makes me feel even MORE empty-- as if I were not already empty-feeling enough. In addition, this is the same reason why Internet romance is equally dissatisfying. Sure, you can meet some great people, maybe even the guy/girl of your dreams but *gasp* guess what!! They are not physically there thus it is unsatisfying. Perhaps I'm an anomoly in that respect, but I need someone to be near me to feel complete. What is the point of chatting and conversing on the phone while only being able to entertain the conditional tense of "IF this person were here we would.." "When I meet this person we may.."

See where I'm going with this? Not that I am not guilty of having an AOL boyfriend or five, and it was fun, but ultimately unrewarding. As a mater of fact, there is a new AOBoyfriend that I'm talking to who is fantastic! I think I could be in love with him; this, however, does not stop me from being dissatisfied seeing as how said boy is a) not here b) cannot cuddle with me and so forth. Instead, I'm stuck with the idiot 4th year medical student who keeps calling me in a vain attempt to get me in bed which I have already explicitly told him I will not be doing. Dense, much? Honestly, it's not wonder I lose interest so quickly.

The whole romance thing is entirely nauseating.

Sure, I can fess up to the fact that I am bitter and cold and whatever other adjective and labels people would like to throw my way. Because in truth, you may be right! I, however, am also completely capable of admitting that once (if) I find this elusive "true love" I will be able to enjoy romantic comedies-- sparingly, because then, at least, i will have a nice, large, muscular arm to cry on.

Why?

Firstly, let's consider who this tax is supposed to "protect." Young teens, are the focus of the binge drinking problem and the government seems to think that increasing the price will deter them, and others, from drinking as much. Right? Wrong. Yes, the sales of premixed alcohol will go down, but suddenly, and I assure you not out of coincidence, the sales of other alcoholic beverages will go up. It might seem like a simple solution to tax those as well, but the reality is, if the kids (and the adults) are abusing alcohol recreationally, simply increasing the price isn't going to change this. They will either spend more (putting themselves further into debt and possibly lowering the quality of their lifestyle and increasing the likelihood of criminal behaviour such as theft), or they will seek out other...alternatives. Yes, if it costs 10 bucks for a beer...why not grab some dope or crack instead?

If there really is a problem with alcohol and binge drinking this is not the way to address it. People need to be educated, about alcohol and it's long term risks, but in addition to this, we need to take a look at whats causing people to drink this much in the first place. Binge drinking is a form of escapism, an outlet, sometimes taken to the extreme. What is it thats wrong with the world that makes us want to escape it? That is a much larger issue, and a lot harder to address, yet it is the one which needs to be addressed the most. Simply adding an excess on the cost of some booze will only add fuel to the fire, and make life worse for those that are already drowning their sorrows.

The Government is just using this tax as a workaround. It makes them look like they are doing something to combat the problem, it makes them look like they are actively trying, but they are really doing barely anything. They aren't even addressing the right problem. Oh, and it's no coincidence that suddenly this quick fix makes them a few more billion dollars as well. After-all, it wouldn't be an adequate solution if it didn't give the politicians some more cash in their pockets - we all know how much they need it.

So?

FUCK THEM. They can all go and Fuck the Fuck off.

Further reading:

ABC News
SMH
YourGuide
Canberra Times
The Daily

Idlewild by Nick Sagan
ISBN-13: 978-0451461988

Plot; 8 original

Hook;  10 perfect, best grab I've had in a long time.

Characters; 7 interesting, though a few I couldn't feel.

Climax;  9 Almost perfect...

Soul;  10  It rekindled my hope for fiction.

Illustrations;  10 cool cover

Reader Level;  PG-13
One of the most enjoyable books that I've read.  It hooks you from the first page, which is a beautiful thing when a author can pull it off, and Nick Sagan (yes Carl's son), has pulled it off professionally.  It is Sci-fi post-apocalyptic with a slight tip of the hat to the Matrix.  But Sagan takes it all in a beautiful well thought out direction.  Where Gibson might be a tad tangled and frustrating, Sagan makes it a sci-fi fantasy that is unfortunately believable, and peppers it with a realistic cast of teenage oddballs.

But that's fine. I can cope at least. Pretty soon I'll be back where everyday is a challenge and just communicating, due to my lack of persistence in certain areas of my studies (Japanese), is an often bewildering and delightfully frustrating task. That's Japan for me. An exercise in exercising my mind a bit more than I do here. Its a matter of necessity to give "it" your all when you are living in Japan and even though you might fail occasionally most people won't hold it against you, or at least they won't show you that they do. Perfectly fine with me.

Besides, that is better than being here where everyday is about as drama filled as the day before it and nobody really knows what, if anything, they are existing for. Perhaps, I'm jaded. Ok, I can definitely admit that is the fact. Its been a character flaw of mine for some time now. But deep down, this place doesn't feel like mine and its time to take the circus on a route towards a different circuit. Hopefully, somewhere along we'll derail and I'll escape this three ring sideshow. Let us meander down a different path.

52 days.

I'm sorry that I'm not continuing on with my all-time top five, but there is a new issue that must be addressed!

Today I met a force darker than the devil. Darker than the Sith and sure as shit blacker than Walt Disney and Charlton Heston's COLD DEAD HEARTS COMBINED!

His name... well, I didn't bother to ask. Put simply - he's a fucking douche.
As I sat in Performing for Screen with my group I overheard a conversation going on behind me. A conversation about Australian cinema. An issue all my readers, and indeed all my friends know I'm quite outspoken about.

The conversation was between some guy - the douche - and Piotr Wasilewski, one of my partners in crime.

So Piotr was getting all, "nah, I think we should make more action movies and stuff." And so this guy got a little... shirty.

I jumped in. I thought the guy... well... I assumed the guy was defending Australian cinema and I thought Piotr could do with an ally.

He wasn't. He was just speaking out against action movies and thrillers.

And then sci-fi.

And then comedy.

And then...

Then...

*gulp*

Star Wars.

I'm going to take a step back before I flame this guy completely online, because I think I need to try as hard as I can to recount what happened in between the beginning of the arguement and the moment that he said the greatest saga of all time was terrible.

He was going on about how films shouldn't be for escapism. How they shouldn't be for entertainment. How they shouldn't be anything other than art.

Well, fuck you, buh-dee. And no, I am not your buh-dee, fwend. Not even your guy.

He spoke out of turn. I don't know much about art but I sure as shit know more than this guy and I;ll tell you one thing - if you don't have a grasp on the topic, don't try and define the thing.

He was saying how cinema is art and art needs a purpose. It always has purpose, he says. It always has meaning.

"What about Fountain?... What about... what about fucking DaDa?!", I responded. To which he responded, to my surprise, "I don't know what you're talking about."

If anything lacks purpose its those very things.

We went on. I don't recall precisely the order of the conversation, but it did involve a venture into Michael Bay territory. This is very dangerous terrain for anyone discussing film.

"What movie in the last year has been good?!", he asks me.

And so I decided, based entirely on entertainment value, with Transformers. I don't give a flying fuck about anyone elses opinion of that film at thise stage. Not in that class and not now. I loved it, end of story.

"Man. That's not a movie!", he replies, "its a toy turned into a TV show turned into a movie!"

"And its fucking awesome!"

"Look, Jerry Bruckheimer..."

"What's he got to do with Transformers?"

"He produced it."

"No... he didn't...", I said looking at my peers in utter disbelief. How could my opponent come into battle so poorly armed?!

"Uh..."

"Steven Spielberg produced it. Dreamworks. Not Bruckheimer."

"Well, Michael Bay..."

What the fuck has Michael Bay got to do with Jerry Bruckhiemer?! Yes they have an extensive relationship, but I think you'll find that they've moved on to bigger things...

He blathers on about Michael Bay - a man accused of destroying cinema - for a bit.

Then he goes on about Jerry Bruckhiemer...

"Jerry Bruckheimer once said, 'cinema isn't about art, its about getting butts in seats.'"

Fuckin' a, man. He's a producer. That's his job. You think the producer of any of your so-called awesome favourite films wouldn't be thinking the exact same thing?! Its all producers think about! Thank god for that too, I might add.

So I add, "Look, man... Michael Bay is a continuation of the great tradition of cinema, dating back to the golden age of the 1930s when people went to see movie for one purpose. To be entertained. They has shit lives in the depression and so they went to the movies to get away from it all for a bit."

"Cinema should be about art, not escape."

"How the fuck do you ever have a good time?!"

I went on about how movie-goers want to be entertained. They don't always want to be lectured and how they, we, want to escape. How cinema makes our dreams come true.

He disagreed.

"Fuck you, buddy, Spielberg made my dreams come true the week of my seventh birthday when I saw dinosaurs come to life."

Then it went on a bit again... by this time another three fine young women had joined in, one of them saying - and I have to say this gave me hope as a film maker...

"You're tearing down our favourite movies, and you don't realize they're something we love."

Something we care about. She set in concrete my want to be a film maker. My want to entertain. My want to be entertained.

So I asked him, "what is your desert-island film? What would you take to watch for the rest of your life on a desert island?"

"We're not on a desert island."

"Fuck!"

Girl up the back chimes in again...

"Robin Hood: Men in Tights!"

"You see, man?! She's going to have an awesome rest of her life, because she's going to be watching Men in fucking Tights!"

There's laughter.

Mine's The Rock, for anyone wondering. It provides all the entertainment I'll ever need. I know its not my all-time favourite movie, but to be honest if I really wanted I could watch Empire at the cinema in my head any time I like.

So back to the Star Wars bit. Do you want to know how I reacted? Put it in context; the argument had gone for a fair while by this point and I was frustrated by a few things. Those things being:

How the fuck did this guy get into a media course?
Why the fuck is this guy in a media course?
How the fuck could I not sense the spawn of Satan sitting right next to me?
How, in the name of whoever you like to think of as the chief balls around here, does this guy ever manage to feel happy?
How can someone live life without being entertained?!

And finally:

DID THIS GUY SERIOUSLY SAY THAT ABOUT STAR WARS?!

He did.

He really, really did.

I was already red in the face at this point, but that was the last straw. I did a walk out.

"You did not go there, dude. You did no fucking go to Star Wars."

The people around me understood. They knew it was a crime. You can diss anything all you want, but as god is my witness, you CANNOT DISS STAR WARS.

Not like he did anyway, but we'll get back to that.

So up I got. As I began walking out I hear Matt call from the other side of the class, "Did I just hear what I thought I heard?"

He had just heard what he thought he heard. He really had.

So I walked out of the class to cool off, "fucking ignoramus."

I went downstairs, hugged DANI and told he my troubles. She sympathized. I put on a brave face and went back in.

There was a lot of discussion afterward about how anyone could be... could be... such a douche. How?!

The man crossed a line. The way he dissed everything was the key. He never said "I think that..." he said "it is". Don't do that, man. Not fucking ever.

YOU think Star Wars sucks. YOU don't like X movie. YOU don't like Y movie. YOU don't like Z movie.

That shit I can handle. I can. I have to - I'm a dedicated Star Wars fan. I'm a Star Wars nerd. I'm to be branded a geek for the rest of my days. I need to be able to not be annoyed by these things and I'm usually not.

But this all came from a guy who said, "Citizen Kane is overrated."

We schooled him on how he should properly critique such things. How he should be subjective, not impose subjective, opinionated - and might I add, unfounded bullshit - over an allegedly objective frame.

So that's it. That was my battle. I consider myself as having emerged victorious, with an army of four in my stead. They fought hard and weren't too hard on the eyes, either. Together this man will come to realize he's not an intellectual, but that he's equally as ignorant as he is offensive.

That's all, folks.

-Out.

Ok so big debate here. I'll just pick a few random points:

First off I didn't realise you got so cut about it. Sorry about that. I don't say "In my opinion Star Wars is a crap film" because I take it for granted that everything that comes out of my mouth is my opinion. I think it's important to remember that a persons opinion on a movie, though it may offend you, doesn't actually mean he's a douche. I don't think I'm better than other people who don't like the same movies as me, even though I may crush their childhood dreams. So like, I'm not a douche, guy.

Ok so here it is: Star Wars is a not-great film. I stand by this statement forever. I understand why it's enjoyed so much, and it's got alot of nostalgia for alot of people. But go ahead and watch "The Phantom Menace", and write down everything that's crap about that movie: Poor acting, annoying sidekick characters, lame story about not much at all, all hidden behind some impressive visual effects. These are all valid criticisms of the original trilogy. Right? I mean, what is Star Wars really about? Really good guy fights a really bad guy. Really good guys win. The end. Yes it's fun to watch. I know I'm an out-of-touch elitist, but films can do more than just entertain, they SHOULD do more. Otherwise they're just out to take your money.

If I'm stuck on a desert island. I can't imagine anything worse than "Men in Tights". Think about it, you're stuck on a desert island, you're never going to see your family again, can you imagine anything more depressing than watching a comedy where everyone's just laughing and having a great time? That's not to say I want a depressing movie to make me feel like shit either. If I'm stuck on a desert island, I want a movie called "How to Survive on a Desert Island."

But like I said in our original debate, I'm NOT stuck on a desert island, and I probably never will be. I live in a world where I've got a bunch of my own issues, and I have to deal with other people who've got there own issues. I want movies that can help me survive in THIS world. I don't want to escape, because in two hours the films going to be over and I'm going to be right where I was before. I'm more interested in films that try and change my perceptions. Maybe they confuse and upset me, but life confuses and upsets me. By working through films and other arts, it's like a training ground for real life. Hmm, did that make sense?

This all might seem like a pretty dumb way to look at movies, but there are a lot of great ones out there that can change you, not just kill time.

A word about entertainment: I do like being entertained, but the problem with mainstream film is that it's ALL entertainment, ALL the time. Transformers keeps you entertained, but (cliche warning) ten minutes after it's over you've forgotten about it. There are better films out there that are entertaining, but in a much deeper way. And man, when one of these films click it's just THE BOMB. Here are a couple:

- Jean Renoir's Rules of the Game. Watch it and admit quietly to yourself that it's better than Citizen Kane.

- John Cassavetes' Husbands, Minnie and Moskowitz. Anything by Cassavetes is good, these two are probably his most accessible.

- Harmony Korine's Gummo and julien donkey-boy. He's got a new film out too.

- Tom Noonan's What Happened Was. A guy and a girl in the girls apartment. They just talk to each other. That's the whole movie. But the shifts in tone, the way they react to each other is just so real and so brilliant, it's entertainment TO THE MAX!!!

Most of these films are pretty hard to find, and it's a real shame. We live in a society that just wants escape, escape, escape while the world around us slowly turns to shit. I'm not saying the other movies are going to change the world, but Hollywood films just aim to keep people stupid so they can keep people spending.

Oh can I ramble for just a bit longer? Maybe I'll have to wait to next semester! ;)

I spent the next 10 years living the boyhood dream:

• Climbing to the tops of trees, jamming my foot into the V where the branch meets the trunk, looking out across my empire to the lands I would later conquer and then wondering how on earth I was going to get back down again.
• Sitting in our field on the cut and dried grass looking out across the valley and listening to the church bells on Sunday calling the villagers to mass.
• Hunting for the Beast of Exmoor and making up tales of previous sightings.
• Trying to cross fields of bullocks and cows without spooking them or being caught by the farmer.
• Making bows, arrows and catapults and then going 'hunting' - usually accompanied by my fearless cat Angus.
• Pushing my heavy-as-a-tank bike to the top of hills and screaming down again.
• Building dens (including an underground one with a hidden entrance and a chimney).
• Searching for little pieces of silver around the disused silver mine five minutes from the top of our field.
• Using old maps of the village to discover long since overgrown lanes that allowed us to get around the valley village (the longest in Britain) without being seen (very important for explorers).
• Crabbing and exploring rock pools.
• Climbing rocks and jumping into the sea during the summer months.
• Travelling from one cove to another by swimming and climbing rocks.
• Bobbing around the cove in a row boat.
• Using my telescope to search the other side of the valley for new places to explore (and to spy on my maths teacher and his wife playing tennis - that way I would know when it was safe to go and call on his son).
• Picking blackberries from the numerous bushes around and sometimes sheep's wool from barbed wire.
• Using the tractor tracks in our field as a bob-sleigh run when it snowed.
• Carving a network of pathways out of a huge field of brambles in part so we could disappear like the Vietcong and evade my friend's brother and his gang.
• Excavating mud banks in search of treasure.
• Building a teepee out of wood and turf and then having my first marshmallow cooked over a fire.
• Going shopping on a Saturday morning with my mum and visiting the baker, butcher, greengrocer and dairy. This memory is important as these days the big supermarkets are pretty much all most of us have.
• Digging hand and footholds out of vertical gulley walls so we could climb up and explore new areas otherwise inaccessible to us.
• Being scared of our family house as it was old and spooky with a granny annex that wasn't lived in and wasn't heated.
• Scaring my sister (I suppose so it lessened my fear) - once by tying some cotton from her bedroom door handle to that of the granny annex door handle. When she opened her door the door to the spooking annex closed. I'll pay for that one day.
• Eating unbelievably healthy food and, on the odd occasion, home-made doughnuts or drop scones.
• Drinking barley water and eating a lump of cheddar cheese and a cut up apple what seemed like everyday after school.
• Going on family walks on Sundays along the coast including to one place called Great Hangman that has the highest sea cliffs in England.
• Taking part in the annual carnival and bloody loving it.
• Watching and taking part in the annual Hunting of the Earl of Rone, an annual custom that takes place over the May bank holiday weekend.
• Feeling free and loved.

I have so many wonderful memories from my childhood. Certainly too many to list here but I hope it gave you an insight into one boy's childhood in the wilds of Devon.

Photo: Miss Beee

Me and lil' sis ready for the carnival.

Picture: Earl of Rone

So. What are the most vivid memories from your childhood? Using a rope on a tyre to fling you into the middle of a river? Trying to ride your dog to town? I'd love to hear some of them.

Iceland, Hotel Everland in Paris, surfing in the Amazon, Artists' Playground at Sudeley Castle.

(all via Coudal Partners)

And, about Beijing's Olympic Park:

For a nation that deeply values formal architectural symbolism, creating an iconic shape that simultaneously evokes Heaven (a circle) and the auspicious bird's nest was genius on the part of the architects. But so mesmerising has it become that nobody mentions the small matter of the 2,800-acre Olympic park and 31 other venues surrounding it. This is probably a good thing. Because the "bird's nest" might be the ultimate in architectural eye candy, but its neighbours are not. Architecturally at least, the Beijing Olympics are a flop.

(via things magazine)

--

It's not just that Cindy McCain was a drug addict; it's that she was a real jerk about it:

Cindy McCain stole drugs from a medical charity. It doesn't get much lower than that. Worse still, she used her employees' names to obtain drugs, and even enlisted some her her staff to pick up those prescriptions on her behalf. . . . One of the doctors who worked with McCain at AVMT lost his license to practice medicine over the diversion scandal. . . .Ironically, part of her diversion from criminal prosecution involved joining Narcotics Anonymous--which stipulates that an addict must make amends to those she has harmed. That's not a step Cindy appears to have taken to heart in her dealings with her former emplyee, Tom Gosinski, the main whistleblower in this case.  Gosinski alleges that Cindy fired him from AVMT for knowing too much about her drug habit.  Gosinski also tipped off the DEA to McCain after he left the charity. He came forward in part because he was afraid that Cindy had filed prescriptions in his name, a suspicion that turned out to be justified.  When he sued Cindy for wrongful dismissal, she levied spurious accusations of blackmail against him.

--

This is interesting:  a blue/red map of the blogosphere.   (via Crooked Timber)

--

On the theme of escapism, 101 Movies to Avoid Watching Before You Die:

But my nomination is more serious: The House of Sand and Fog. I rarely dislike a movie enough to warn people against it, but this is one of the worst, and most unpleasant, movies I've watched.

See, now, I thought The House of Sand and Fog was terrific - characters with strong, high-stakes wants in direct opposition to each other, and all that.  But then, I've said it before:  I know jack about films.

My wife and I were able to get a financial adviser for free to see how to work our budget and what to do with my 401k and pension stuff.  Of course he was a little down on us at first hitting us with the kids college expense stuff and our retirement years.  I know it's his job to sell us his services, but we had to lay down our ideas about money and the future so he could get a grip on where we were going...which he did.  My wife and I've been around and have been burned in the past by trying to make everyone happy.  Now we are just bluntly honest, which makes things  easier.

So with a big chunk of the financial hurdles taking care of, I can breathe a sigh of relief and focus a wee bit more on the important stuff.

So some random important stuff; 

1.  I can't do it on my own.  When I put me in control, the universe gets fucked up.  Silly aint it?
2.  Girls lost their third softball game in a row.  But man, they've been exciting games to watch.
3.  It was great to see my wifes relatives at the game.  I miss families coming together.
4.  Writing is going ok, but my productivity still isn't where I want it to be.  But I am getting into a swing.
5.  It's amazing how much shit you can cut out of your life when your on a tight budget.
6.  My wife actually loves her job and is doing superb there....go cherokee!
7.  Must admit, I miss my work family.
8.  And this one is for AngryB....I got together with friends and rolled up my new D&D character.
9.  The strawberry festival in my backyard is finally over.  I am now tired of strawberries.
10. I saw somebody on TV wearing a baja hoodie, and I thought I was the only one...damn hippies.
11. Life is painful and beautiful all wrapped up in one sloppy burrito.
12. Peace starts with yourself.  If your fucked up and angry, your not doing your loved ones any good.
13. Peace is obtainable.

Moi: Kau tau lagu Cinta Dalam Hati?
Meckie: Tau.
Moi: Aku nak nyanyi lagu tu lah. Jom! Karaoke!

+ + +

Moi: Kau tau lagu Matta, Tak Bertepi?
Meckie: Aku tau lagu... "aku ketahuan.." Oho, okay, kasutku tak bertepi! You should, you -
Moi: Okey, aku nak pegi update blog sekarang.

+ + +

Moi: Babe...
Meckie: Ape?
Moi: Aku punya earbud (okay, aku salah sebut) hilang...
Meckie: Kau punya ape?!
Moi: Ni, earphone ni ader earplug dia... macam dia ade stokin lea. Saiz paling kecik, saiz yang aku pakai, sebelah sudah hilang... arwah mesti tengah terkinja-kinja.
Meckie: Psycho... kenapa dia mesti terkinja-kinja?
Moi: Sebab dia tak dapat simpan earphone nih, aku mintak balik. Macam mana aku nak buat keje ni... aku pun nak menghafal Cinta Dalam Hati nak pi karaoke nanti... nak praktis... oh! Here it is! Found it! Okay, arwah has stopped terkinja-kinja.

+ + +

Minggu ni minggu puasa. Baju har-roos ket-tat. Nak kena jahit sendiri the pleats, kasi panjang lagi ke bawah biar me-le-kat. Kalau tak boleh masuk langsung pinjam corset Anysz dee...

+ + +

M (tidak mewakili arwah) and F likes moi with the hair long. For the moment aku suka diri sendiri berambut pendek. Not wearing the hair for anyone else.

Besides, Mummy suka, Roha suka, Nurlin suka, dan Sazali pun suka rambutku pendek begini.

HUDA PUN SUKA RAMBUTKU BEGINI. Huda, aku potong rambut lagi, ;-p.

+ + +

Ohh, nama dia Craig Shimala. Aku baru tahu. Saya sangat suka dia. Ntah kenapa. Dia sangat bersahaja yang memanggil-manggil.

Roha tak berkenan betul style facial features macam arwah.
Roha: Cuba tukar taste! Ni semua acuan arwah je.

Ohh nevermind for this guy. I LOIKE.

+ + +

Ku ingin kau tahuuu (aku suka tariiik part ni)
Diriku di siniiii
Menanti dirimuuu
Meski ku tungguuu
Hingga ujung waktukuuu

Ohh tidak lea aku tunggu sampai hujung waktu aku. No bahhh. Move on, move on!

+ + +

 
Monti semakin berat siot. Berattt nak angkat sebelah tangan kalau tak ready. He will slipped off your arms.

+ + +

Aku tak boleh nak forget lea Meckie, for one yang rasa her work worth RM1K for a weekly assignment to be paid by a stew-dent.

Shuk bertanya kepada Designer Terulung: Ade student mintak tolong kau buatkan assignment dia (bukan FYP, okay, sila alert!!!). Dia bayar lea... berapa kau nak charge?

Moi: Okay, okay, knowing her... aku teka... 500? (perbualan semasa Meckie ceritakan padaku)

Designer Terulung: Seribu. Kalau nak kurang... 800 lah. Kalau tak bo layan.

Bo layan. BO layan, okay, baby? Kau tak boleh fikir lebih baik sikit ke kalau ye sangat kau layak for that kenaikan-gaji-dalam-setahun-yang-colleagues-kau-yang-lain-naik-jumlah-gaji-yang-sama-tapi-dalam-masa-dua-tahun that kau boleh tolong bangsa kau sendiri... dah tau harga minyak macam sial, dah tau yang kau nak charge ni on a student, like, OM-F-WTF-Goat hell are you thinking?

Seriously, Monsieur Bali, kau yang aku rasa lebih experience-r, dewa-rish, thee visionaire... akan charge semahal ini ke to a student (though I do know you're that worth it)? Ohh, aku dah lamaaa nak tanya soalan ini kepadamu!

+ + +

Signed,

funkism overdosed

Here's one for the coincidence theorists...

BBC cover it here.

If "a man" hadn't have been arrested, I'd be very suspicious that his killing was to ensure his silence.

Even so, I still remain suspicious. The non-description of "a man" seems almost deliberately vague. It will be interesting to see who this "a man" is and what will happen when the story fades from the publics mind.

It's one to look out for.

-

Child pron slurs in the Soham Murders
( Ian Huntley / Maxine Carr / Holly Wells / Jessica Chapman ):

This isn't the first cop that's been involved with child porn allegations. I remember another one albeit of a somewhat 'inverse association' relating to child pornography levied against Detective Constable Brian Stevens - a detective in the Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman murders.

Word on the anti-coincidence grapevine (or conspiraloon grapevine - take your pic) was that Brian Stevens was working along the lines that USAF personnel at USAF base Lakenheath in Suffolk England were involved. The bodies of Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman were supposedly found close the the perimeter of the base.

The story goes that false accusations against Stevens were made to discredit him and therefore cut off his ability to pursue the USAF connection. The allegations didn't stick which in itself should raise suspicions amongst those who take care to examine the battle of the mind society rages against the common man.

The man raising this conspiracy was Joe Vialls, who also discusses aspects of mind manipulation via drugs and programming enforced upon Huntley. The articles make great reading, but I feel it should point out some unsustainable parts of that story in that USAF Lakenheath in Suffolk is only where USAF serviceman Tech. Sgt. Randy Bitter had his court-martial. It wasn't where he was based. He was based at RAF Menwith Hill in Yorkshire which is why Yorkshire CND posted the press release about him.

http://cndyorks.gn.apc.org/caab/spress/caabspmhs.htm

31 July 2003

Release 073103-4

RAF Menwith Hill sergeant sentenced for sex offenses

ROYAL AIR FORCE LAKENHEATH, Suffolk – A sergeant assigned to the 451st Intelligence Operations Squadron at RAF Menwith Hill, United Kingdom, was sentenced by a military judge to a dishonourable discharge, confinement for six years, and a reduction in grade to E-1 during a court-martial here, July 23.

Tech. Sgt. Randy Bitter pleaded guilty to one specification of Article 120, Uniform Code of Military Justice, carnal knowledge with a female family member under 12 years old, and two specifications of Article 134, UCMJ, indecent acts with the same victim.

The UCMJ contains the laws that all service members must obey.

Note: The new CND Yorkshire site doesn't archive this story (but the old one does) and UASF Lakenheath has removed the press release from their web site.

Vialls also says the two bodies of the girl's couldn't fit in the boot of a Ford Fiesta which may be false but doesn't negate the rest of his writings on the subject which make for very interesting reading.

-

-

It is of little surprise that when looking behind aspects of all these sordid tales, it isn't long before you get links via the Dunblane massacre purpetrated by Thomas Hamilton to people like Tony Blair, George Roberstson, Peter Mandelson, Freemasons and essentially established/official power centres etc. The Marc Dutroux case featured similar associations, and you see elements of it in the case of Josef Fritzl (who raped his own child and fathered children by her) and in France where where a married couple Michel Fourniret and Monique Olivier were recently caught.

It's also of little surprise then, that child porn by its very nature have become a key weapon in mind manipulation (along the lines of the anti Semitic slur or Nazi sympathiser).

People such as myself who have had time to read about the 'work' of Bernaise and official programs such as tip of the iceberg 'MK Ultra', can see reasonably easily that such programs have spawned psychological progeny implemented today.

There you have it then... child sex abuse, kiddy porn, murder, rape, mind control. It's all connected and when you dig just a little bit you find this.

-

-

Finally, getting back to Geoffrey Harries one has to ask was Mr Harries murdered by the so called "man" arrested? was this man mentally manipulated? was this man associated with the child porn ring?

I wouldn't be in the least bit surprised.

-

-

-

-

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Five Reasons Why Hip Hop Will Always Be Better Than Rap:

1) Hip hop is a way of life. Rap music is a way of cashing in.

2) Hip hop speaks of a time when artists actually gave a rat’s ass about the lyrics they were spitting. Today’s rap lyrics are dominated by themes of shooting guns, owning bling bling, and the latest ideas on how to properly use a stripper pole.

3) Hip hop refers to the lifestyle and culture of the city. Rap music refers to a fake materialistic dream-world where everyone is packing heat, dealing drugs, and the women have nothing better to do than fuck you.

4) Hip hop is an original form of expression that touches listeners because of its realistic portrayal of life. Rap does nothing but promote unrealistic portrayals of members of society (especially women) and help to further cement negative stereotypes described in their crappy lyrics.

5) Hip hop is a philosophical outlook on life that helps listeners makes sense of the harsh realities of modern world. Rap music continually promotes escapism and creates an illusionary world that devalues the human essence as a whole. It has done little to better the lives of its listeners in the way hip hop has done in the past and it plays to the lowest common social denominators.