I enjoyed church today. A very strange overwhelming feeling poured onto me when I entered Hall 8. I don't usually feel anything when I enter church, as in if I'm sad, I bring that emotion in with me. But today, I approached in a mildly serene mood, but when I stepped inside, I felt a very strong sense of freedom and happiness. VERY WEIRD. I wasn't used to it, but it was good. (: And the msg was REALLY GOOD. I felt so intellectual after that. HAHA.

Intelligent conversation.

OH. Today may be the 3rd year I'm in CHC! (: I joined in 2005 when Rev Mike Connell came. That's when I went down for deliverance. July was also when I got invited to some gathering thingy (I suddenly don't know what you call those) at Toa Payoh HDB Building by a member of Harvester Assembly of God. July - God's month. HAHA. But it's been a wonderful journey back with God the past 3 years, and I'll grow even stronger and even more in love with Him. (:

Yanling sent me a very sweet msg this morning that kinda spurred some thoughts. I don't think I'm positive. Or rather, it's easy to hide such things when people don't ask you about them. But if anyone of you ever read my Alfred-like journal, you'd most probably first slap me with it, then lecture me (with love of course, coz I know you guys love me). It's too easy sometimes, to go around like you're ok, when inside you're hurting. I used to be an expert in this, until JC when people came along and slowly demolished that wall I built around myself. It's so annoying then when these people come along now and tell me to 'build' it again, be independent. SHEESH.

Next week's actually quite a busy week. Got stuff to do everyday though only last 2-3 hours. Then it gets busier coz can sing k! I'm excited. (: I hope my counsellee comes quickly to help me clear some of my M1 stuff, though all on loan for 1 year only. Then wanna return stuff to my counsellor. Then STUDYYYYYYYY. Yanling shall be my inspiration. (:

Alright. Guess that's all for now.

Dear V, I really wonder how you're doing...

por dónde comenzar?
hoy todas las grietas que has dejado
y la tristeza que ni llego a recordar
desaparecen con el humo
de los veinte puchos que me apuro
con un jarro de café bien frío,
bien helado, que he sacado
hará cosa de dos horas
de la cafetera de mierda del laburo
que todavía nadie arregla,
y que me cae como el orto en el estómago
haciéndome putear.
ves?
me voy mucho por las ramas,
y quería sólo que supieras
que hoy te estoy hablando
con las últimas palabras que,
parece,
estoy dispuesto a vomitar,
en papel o en el teclado;
las últimas acerca
de este propio infierno personal
que yo solito me he configurado
en el sistema operativo
y que finalmente puedo eliminar.
quien sos?
ahora ya puedo
pensar en otras cosas,
en canciones de tom waits,
letras y músicas de cave
o en libros de bukowski,
en pelis que no he visto
o en otras cosas simples
como dar algunas vueltas por la plaza
sin necesidad de recordar.
ahí está.
todos mis demonios interiores
se disuelven,
se diluyen,
dicen chau.

mirá:
ahora empiezo
a estar mal acompañado.
y te juro que me gusta
cada vez un poco más.

I'm trying to feel inspired to write something interesting but I think my inspiration has been spent on writing about albums and interviews with bands as writer Belle as opposed to Belinda / Belle - girl with the often very mundane life.

Creativity is such a pressure - I think it takes such work - Its something that has taken me years and years of learning.  10 years working in marketing, Public relations, advertising and Media and now writing about music.  Its a constantly growing and changing medium - all of them - and you have to keep up or you get left behind and ideas become very stale and very boring.

Me Belle, always positive hardly ever negative feels really bothered by a bunch of words I read on various online sources - I won't go into the specifics - I feel boring, boring - and hormonal - darn crazy hormones that run through my system at the moment.

I am pretty good - but at times I have no patience and feel abrupt with family members... poor guys - they get the harsh side of me - I suppose at times you are always on your best behaviour when out in public but then... you know - what happens in your own home stays there.

I feel inspired by the following lyrics today... which fit me like a little mood ring.

Sunday Morning

No Doubt

Sappy pathetic little me
That was the girl I used to be
You had me on my knees
I'd trade you places any day
I'd never thought you could be that way
But you looked like me on Sunday

You came in with the breeze
On Sunday morning
You sure had changed since yesterday
Without any warning
I thought I knew you
I thought I knew you
I thought I knew you well...so well

You're trying my shoes on for a change
They look so good but fit so strange
Out of fashion, so I can complain

Chorus
I know who I am, but who are you?
You're not looking like you used to
You're on the other side of the mirror
So nothing's looking quite as clear
Thank you for turning on the lights
Thank you, now you're the parasite
I didn't think you had it in you
And now you're looking like I used to!

You came in with the breeze
On Sunday morning
You sure have changed since yesterday
Without any warning
And you want me badly
You cannot have me
I thought I knew you
But I've got a new view
I thought I knew you well...oh well

I just feel like I am dwelling on little pieces of the past, lamenting the passing of a weekend of really not much stuff to be happy about.  Its hard not to feel a little let down at times.

Everything can't be rainbows and sunshine always.  I think I might just be having a little dark day.  I am at the tail end of my flu, growing stretching pains were really bothering me out last night and my silly, silly ankle - thongs in winter is just a crime against nature!

I did love seeing friends last night, sleeping mid afternoon seemed to ward off the terrible yawns.  The baby was a little twirly and fluttery during music but sleeping through parts as well and then I went home to curl up on the couch and watch the remainder of season 3 of Weeds... love that show.  Cups of tea and chocolate at midnight surely cure any little case of the blues.

I don't know what it is at the moment - last night made me feel like a standout - my little belly giving away my bedroom escapades... rounded and swollen in a room of beautiful girls and boys.  Nick tells me every single day how beautiful I am but I just am struggling to feel it. In some ways I love the melting hard edges and the replaced curves.  I want this baby so much - weight gain is not an issue but at times between the vomiting and dry skin I just feel wrung out - like someone needs to blow the life back into me - Its hard to feel like me and not a little alien at times...

with love,

Belle x

Then relief comes, you take another sip of your drink and join in the laughter. The respite is brief and the conversation returns to marriage, relationships and starting families. Alone, you are surrounded by friends but you are still alone. You have nothing to input into the conversation. Biting down on your lip you cause enough pain to briefly take your mind away. You text for an escape there is no rescue available. You want to say something, but are afraid your emotions will be blamed on the martini.

You listen and smile. All the while thinking: Do you not realize how lucky you are?? You have a boyfriend/husband who loves and supports you. Who will hold you at night. Who will carry your groceries in from the car. Who will love you no matter what. Who will be the father of your children.

You take a breath and look at the patrons of the martini lounge blinking back more tears. The check is received. The car ride back home is brief; you keep up smiling appearances. Shutting the door behind you  "tears stream down your face when you lose something you can't relplace"*

*Fix You by Coldplay

       Many of the parents who receive child support and have custody of their children say, why should they have to pay an annual fee?  After all, it is costly to raise children; and, if one parent is not paying their share of the support, it is even more financially difficult, for the parent who has custody, to make ends meet.  Ultimately, it is the children who suffer for lack of proper support...both physically and emotionally from the abandonment of the deadbeat parent. 

          Both men and women are guilty of leaving their children in a poverty position by not paying child support.  It is an emotional issue.  Many parents who are no longer together mistakenly think of the money as "being given to the other parent"; that money is needed to support those children.  It is to be spent on the needs of the children.  That means a roof over their head, food to eat, clothes to wear, providing them an education, medical insurance...all of the necessities in life. 

         The child support can't be thought of in terms of supporting the custodial parent...it has to go, to that parent, to support the children.  If the needs of the children aren't being provided for...that is when authorities need to be brought in to assess the situation.  But, really, the child support should not be used as a weapon against the other parent; see it as a responsibility to the child/children.

       From the news report I heard, the government has been able to round up quite a few delinquent parents; and, has been able to restore about a billion dollars in back child support.  They do this by taking their income tax returns or lottery winnings...or in many cases...garnishing their wages.  That billion dollar amount is astounding.   If paying an annual fee helps to offset the money it takes to find these parents who don't pay child support and it makes them financially accountable to help provide for their children...maybe it is a small price to pay.  Why couldn't the system repay the custodial parent the money out of the funds they recover from the deadbeat parent; after they find them and garnish their wages?

      I know, I know...there are some that disappear again after they are found; they will quit their job, so that they don't have to pay until the next time they get caught.  The only way to change that is to hit them where they hurt...take away their freedom.  If they skip out after being found...they should automatically do jail time; and maybe, some kind of work program while they are incarcerated; while the earnings go to the children.  :)

        A commitment to support the children that we bring into the world should be encouraged in a way that helps to provide not only money to the children but a real presence in the lives of the children.  Kids have emotional needs that don't get met when a parent checks out on them.  The damage can last a lifetime and affect future generations as well.  Parents must be held accountable; parenting isn't easy, but it is the most important thing you will ever do.

        What do you think about this issue of charging the fee?  Will it be helpful or harmful in the long run?

I have made some comments on other's blogs.  But here, I have been quiet.

I guess it is because, not that I don't have things to say, I just don't know how to say them.

My sleeping has been off.  Very off.
I was up and down last night until almost 4am.  The past few nights it hasn't been any earlier than about 1:30am.  It makes for a long week.

I also feel like I am fighting a cold.  A cold aggrivated by allergies.  Not sleeping is NOT helping.  I have been trying to keep from drugging myself up on medication to get to sleep.  Because, I don't know what is worse.  Getting to sleep and then waking up midway through the night and not being able to settle down again, or never getting to sleep in the first place.  I can't decide.

But deeper than all that, my heart is in turmoil. 

Sometimes it is a good turmoil because I know that God is authoring it.  He is working through it and causing me to stretch and grow.

Sometimes it is a bad turmoil because I know the enemy is using pain from my past to work me up and work me over.  He is using it to try to hold me captive to pain, fear, hurt, depression.

You see, I am coming to the point now in my counseling where I feel like we have really hit some of the biggest issues in my past and present that have been holding be back from being who God wants me to be.  It is good.  It is wonderful!  I am slowly learning to counteract the lies with Truth, almost every time they come up.  I am learning to recognize when I am acting out of the lies rather than the Truth.  It has made a huge difference in my life.

I am also at the point with Tricia, in our counseling, where we are working through a couple of lies that are really holding me captive.

I am dirty.
I am damaged goods.

The truth is that in Him I have been made complete. (Colossians 2:9-10)

I am facing issues of abuse that happened between the end of high school and through college that really ground those lies into the fiber of my being.

These are lies that were put in place through an abusive trauma when I was very young.  Then after high school, each subsequent event built upon those lies.  "Proved" them true in my mind and heart, I guess. 

Now, Tricia is trying to help me get to the point of believing that I am complete in Christ, even though those things happened to me.  I have to be able to not only acknowledge it in my head, intellectually, but I need to believe it in my heart.  I have to know and believe it is the truth.  

It is extremely hard for me, when I feel in some of the situations, I asked for what I got.  Not only am I feeling pain from the abuse, but I am also feeling guilty from "my part" in it.  Whether I really had a part in "making" it happen is open to interpretation.

The thing we worked through 2 weeks ago, an attempted date rape, was something that I never really dealt with before this.  Not on any deep level.  I never cried, I never showed my anger, never showed any emotion at all, and didn't tell ANYONE until a few years ago. 

As I have gone through these two weeks between sessions, I have let the emotions out some.  They have come unbidden once, the day after my last counseling session.  Everytime I have let them out, I find that the images of what happened are so vivid, that I am almost re-living what happened.  So I ran from the situation as well as facing it some these weeks.

Some of the memory is easier now.  I mean, I know it happened, but when I think of it, it isn't in the same, with all the emotional power still behind it.  So I know that our therapy is working.  However, I still can't shake the intensity of specific moments in the encounter.

So that shows me that I am going to need to work through that a bit more with Tricia on Monday.  I guess that is where the enemy is really working me over.  The thought of having to face down more of those details is causing my heart to roll in turmoil... and by association, my stomach as well. Sigh.

I guess why I am sharing so much of this here is two fold. 

One, I am asking for prayer, from anyone who will read this. 

I need prayer to get through tomorrow and actually go to counseling.  I need prayer to face my intense fears, feelings, and memories.  The more prayer cover I have, the better off I will be.  I know that God has carried me through some other tough sessions on the wings of the prayer support I had.  There have been a couple of times where I seriously felt lifted, held, supported, and had such peace knowing that people were praying... even when I was scared out of my mind of the things I was facing.  And God answered the prayers of my friends, by working in amazing ways (see HERE).

Two, I guess I am sharing with this much transparency, because I know there are others out there who have experienced similar things.  Similar hurts and traumas.  That others have believed the lies that they are dirty, damaged good, unusable by God.

I am writing this to tell you what I KNOW to be truth, what I am struggling to believe.  I am not there.  I am still on the journey.  But I am working at it... even through the turmoil in my heart.

God loves us.  God cherishes us.  We are His beloved.  No matter how dirty we feel, or guilty we feel, Jesus has washed us with His own scarred hands.  He has draped us with a robe of white to cover our nakedness and guilt.  He has gently looked into our eyes and, if we dare to look back, we will see nothing but love and acceptance. 

In our dear Savior, "all the fullness of Deity dwells in bodliy form, and in Him [we] have been made complete, and He is head over all rule and authority." (Col. 2:9-10, emphasis mine)

God fully lives in Jesus.  Jesus is in the Father and the Father is in Him, and we are in Jesus and He is in us.  We have been made complete, whole, undamaged and clean in Christ... and Christ is the head... the King over all rule and authority... He was raised far above all powers and pricipalities, the rulers of this dark world. 

But the ruler of this world does not want us to know that.

He doesn't want us to live in that truth, and so he uses any and all painful things in our lives to hold us captive.  He knows that if we live in the truth, we will will proclaim our freedom to all those who will hear... just because of the overwhelming joy and thankfulness coming from our Savior rescuing us as He said He would.  The enemy doesn't want you, doesn't want me, to find that freedom.  He doesn't want us to use our voices to help others. 

He wants to keep us silent out of shame and fear.

That is why I am being transparent here. 

I want you to know.  I have walked in paths of pain and shame.  Things I have done, and have had done to me wrap me in chains of lies that are so thick and tangled, I don't know where to begin.  But God does.  He has untangled me from so many already.  I can see the light.  I am starting to be able to breathe again.  I can feel the fresh air on my face and feel the warmth of the Son.  There are still some very thick chains tangled around my legs.  But I know that Jesus will break those chains too.

I want you to know you are not alone.  There are others who know your pain.  You don't have to hide anymore.  Come out into the light.  Learn the names that God gives you.  They are so much more powerful than the ones the enemy and world give you.  Listen to God's names for you, and one by one, you will feel the chains start to drop.  Don't give up until they are gone!

I encourage you with my whole heart... even through the pain I am facing this week... I know the pain of facing the lies is so worth the healing on the other side.  The fear I feel is out weighed by my determination to get through this, to cooperate with Jesus in my healing.  I refuse to let these chains suffocate me anymore.

Get angry, and let that righteous anger strengthen your resolve.  Get mad at the enemy of your soul.  Seek Jesus with all your heart and He will be found by you.  Cooperate with Him in your healing.  Do whatever it takes.  Face whatever you have to.  Join me in seeking freedom.  It is a life long process, but it is so worth it. 

I have seen the hope. 
I have further to go. 
But I have seen Hope and, oh He is so beautiful!

---I have really been thinking a lot about international adoption and the way American's view it. An "I AM SAVING THIS CHILD FROM UNLOVING PEOPLE" sort of mentality seems to be rampant (I realize this is a generalization) and I believe until the past few weeks I would have fallen into that category. I realized I was doing this when I told a friend of mine I wanted to adopt this little boy I just ASSUMED needed a mommy and daddy because of circumstance only to hear my friend say "His Mommy & Daddy might miss him"... Simple statement of fact and yet WOW at the changes it has produced in my heart. So thank you FRIEND :)

---We still can't wait to adopt. Timing is not right yet but it is going to happen. Right now, we are thrilled to be watching some of our friends go through the process and pray for them!

---I love making the shirts I am making! I can't wait to make more of them and send money to the Rescue Center!!!!

---I have great friends!

---My kids are going to have a GREAT year at school, they have GREAT teachers and I am totally thrilled!!! YEAH!!!

Ok...enough random thoughts to tide me over until I have a moment...have a great rest of the weekend!

Well, first of all, I can't, but if someone's earned my trust they have to do something that would make me not trust them anymore. Like this guy did. So until I hear something specific about them not being safe I'll trust my friends.

A couple of them I'm sure are safe in that aspect though. It's not just me trusting them. I trusts a certain asshole after all... So I can be wrong with where I place my trust. Some guys have proven to me that I am safe with them.

I've slept with both of those friends.

One guy wanted sex with me, I wanted it too, but refused to do anything without a condom. He didn't ask again. One time I asked him what he looked for in one night stans. He told me he wanted a cute girl who wasn't too drunk. "I want to be absolutely sure that they know what they are doing and want to sleep with me at that time."

The second guy I'm sure I can trust in that aspect is a former class mate. When I told him I'd be calling the cops if he did anything I wasn't ok with he told me that wouldn't matter since so few rape cases are sovled. He gave me the number of his best friend and fellow rape survivor (I've mer her) who would kill him if he ever did anything even bordering on the line to sexual assault.

So I'm pretty sure I'm safe with those two friends :P

I don't like birthdays. Anyway, it's good to be remembered. I love my friends and family.

Though, the thing I want more now nobody has wished to me.

I wish I could disappear for a long while. Stop contact with everybody I love [friends, family, etc] and travel somewhere far, far away, where nobody could find me. Some place where I don't know anybody and nobody knows me. Some place I can't even read the signs, a totally different language. Then I could experience what real freedom is. There's no real freedom while heart is stuck and involved to other people. I wouldn't stay there forever. Maybe a year would be enough or even too long, I don't know. It's something I've never experienced in my life and I wish I could go for it right now. Just me. On my own.

Maybe in the near future. Maybe.

But thankfully she let the silence
linger in the air,
long enough for the tears to force themselves down,
pooling for a different day.

Do Dogs Feel Love?

We feel tremendous love for our dogs, and our dogs sure seem to love us. But is a dog really capable of emotions? Or are we just projecting our feelings onto our dogs?

Scientists avoid the subject because part of what sets humans apart from the animals is our ability to experience feelings. To say that animals actually have feelings, in the same way we do, would change everything – perhaps disrupt our entire position and standing in the animal kingdom.

However, any dog owner knows that dogs love completely and have a greater capacity for love than most people. If one were to describe the main characteristics of a dog, they would have to be:
1. strong affection
2. warm attachment
3. unselfish loyalty and benevolent concern for others

Wait a minute – those are the Merriam-Webster Dictionary definitions of love. Probably why the author of Dogs Never Lie About Love, Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson writes, "dogs are love." So there isn't a question of whether dogs love, the mystery is how they have such an enormous capacity for it. Dogs who are neglected or abused still show love for their human and wag their tails in hope of a little affection.

Dogs taken from abusive situations hold no grudges toward the human race. A half an ounce of kindness from a new person results in an abundance of affection from the formerly mistreated dog. Humans rarely have the capacity to so completely forgive and love under those circumstances.

Probably the biggest reason the dog has become man's best friend is because we know that when it comes to love, a dog can always outdo us. The highest form of love, agape love, which is completely unconditional, is something that people often have to work at or grow into. Agape love seems to come naturally between parent and child, but it's more difficult between husband and wife, and harder still between friends. To love someone regardless of what wrongs they have done you is very difficult for humans.

A dog, however, is born with an endless capacity for agape love, and doesn't even have to work at it. You can be a complete grouch, ignore your dog, and refuse him your love. When you decide you're ready to be sociable again, your dog doesn't pay you back by ignoring you too. He's just happy you're there. More amazing still, is that the love that dogs and owners feel for each other lasts a lifetime. This is the ideal love humans strive for, but often fail at.

As Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson so beautifully writes in Dogs Never Lie About Love, "Learning to know somebody intimately is often the beginnings of dislike, sometimes even of contempt. Among humans, love often does not survive a growing acquaintance, but in a dog, love seems to grow with acquaintance, to get stronger, deeper. Even when fully acquainted with all our weaknesses, our treachery, our unkindness, the dog seems to love strongly – and this love is returned by most dog-loving humans. We, too, seem to love our dogs the more we get to know them. The bond grows between us and our dogs."

This is why we need dogs. They do something for us that rarely a human companion can do. No matter how much you mess up your life, or how much wrong you do, no matter how many mistakes you make or how often you make them, regardless of your looks, income or social standing, your dog never judges you. He always thinks you are wonderful and loves you with all his heart.

--
It is like the seed put in the soil - the more one sows, the greater the harvest.

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发生了什么。。。。不知

现在的心情。。。。不解

失眠的黑夜。。。。漫长

If you chose to compare emotions, the only objective way of doing so is by comparing the actions that they produce.  It is easy, for example, to say happiness is the opposite of sadness because happiness makes me feel 'good' and sadness is when I feel 'bad.'  This method is in fact an emotional evaluation of emotions, cannot be tested, and means little ultimately to anyone other than yourself.  If you seek to make grandiose statements about emotions in general, I would stick to an objective method.  

Now, love objectively generates certain behaviors.  Allow me to quote my favorite definition of love: 1 Corinthians 13:4 (NIV).  "Love is patient.  Love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

Now, consider this: "_____ is NOT patient.  _____ is NOT kind.  It envies, it boasts, it is proud.  It is rude, it is self-seeking, it is easily angered, it keeps a record of wrongs.  _____ does delight in evil, and does not rejoice with the truth.  It never protects, never trusts, never hopes, never perseveres. _____ never fails to fail."  What does this better describe: Hate or apathy?  I would argue hate, although neither is a perfect fit.

Hate is the emotion that, when expressed, produces harm to its object. Apathy can go either way.  Its effects are largely the product of the circumstances, and not specifically that emotion.   Apathy, in most cases, when expressed allows these circumstances to continue unaltered.  It is possible that apathy, as an absence of love, can result in harm.  In such case however it is acting as, and arguably is caused by, hate.  As the absence of hate, apathy can result in good.  

It is important to not confuse apathy with an active dislike.  For example, it is possible for a person to lack an active lust (eros) for someone, but still have compassion (Agape) and friendship (Philia) for them.  This lack of 'love' (apathy?) does NOT translate into hate (i.e. It will not produce harm if expressed), and therefore is NOT the opposite of love.

That's what I think.

Advenamundo

¡De regreso a casa! Hogar, dulce hogar.

Veamos qué sucede cuando se terminan las vacaciones y qué hacer para no deprimirse por ello.

Las vacaciones se han terminado ahora. ¿Qué se siente? Pues la verdad es que la mayoría de las personas sienten tristeza, como si se hubiera terminado el encanto de estar libre y sin trabajo, de estar descansando. Algunos dirán: ¡de vuelta a la cruel realidad! Tan conocida es esta sensación que hasta tiene nombre, los psicólogos le dicen síndrome postvacacional (o depresión postvacaciones, síndrome de la vuelta al trabajo, estrés postvacaciones, SPV). Algunos síntomas del SPV son: fatiga, dificultad de concentración, desánimo, tristeza, irritabilidad, ansiedad, insomnio y trastornos digestivos. Esta sensación es similar a la que experimentamos muchos lunes al volver al trabajo o estudios, pero en este caso dura varios días. Incluso es lo mismo que sienten los niños en el regreso a clases luego de unas largas y felices vacaciones.

¿Qué es lo que produce este choque psicológico y emocional?

Algunas personas durante las vacaciones pierden el contacto con “su realidad”, es decir, usan las vacaciones como se usan la TV, las drogas o el alcohol: para evadirse de su vida, de su presente. Mientras están de vacaciones sucede una especie de ensoñación, se crea un mundo irreal, un oasis donde los problemas cotidianos no existen, desaparecen. La verdad es que lo se crea no es tan diferente de lo que vivimos normalmente, me explico.

En la India se dice que la realidad que vemos y vivimos es maya, es decir, una ilusión creada por nuestros sentidos y por la percepción. El 99,99% de nosotros vive eso, una ilusión de vida, porque la verdadera vida queda oculta detrás de las máscaras y las apariencias. Digamos que durante las vacaciones lo que hacemos es cambiar de ilusión solamente, creamos una nueva, algo menos quejumbrosa y con problemas que la que vivimos todos los días pero ilusión al fin de cuentas. ¿Qué implica vivir en maya? Que estamos todo el tiempo en piloto automático, pensando obsesivamente, repitiendo viejos patrones de vida y de pensamientos, casi sin darnos cuenta. A eso se le llama maya, es la repetición inconsciente.

En vacaciones nos permitimos cambiar la ilusión pero la verdad es que no hemos salido de ella. El cerebro y nuestros sentidos confunde esa ilusión con la realidad, y como hemos vivido tanto tiempo creyendo que esa es la única realidad que existe, pues seguimos viviendo en ella sin cuestionarnos nada: ¿qué hay más allá?, ¿quién soy y qué quiero?, ¿cómo vivo?, ¿me gusta como vivo?, etc., etc.

Como veíamos antes, en la tercera parte de este artículo, las vacaciones pueden ser un tiempo interesante para apreciar el presente y no disfrazarlo. Sólo si esa tarea se hace voluntariamente y conscientemente surte el efecto tranquilizador. En otras palabras, lo que suceda después de tu viaje tendrá que ver necesariamente con cómo viviste el viaje, con cómo viviste el antes del viaje y, sobre todo, con cómo vives la vida todos los días, la mayor parte del tiempo. Ese patrón con el que vives, TU patrón, si te hace feliz es bueno si te hace sentir triste, angustiado o deprimido en alguna fase del viaje o en la vida en general pues te recuerdo que lo creaste tú, así que en el momento que lo decidas puedes crear otro, uno nuevo, que te haga sentir en paz.

Los patrones viejos son testarudos, digamos que están profundamente arraigados (enquistados) y se nutren del flujo de tus pensamientos repetitivos, también tienen que ver con viejas herencias familiares. Sirve preguntarse (no importa cuándo pero hacerlo): ¿cómo vivían las vacaciones mis padres cuando yo era niño(a)?, ¿Cómo la viven hoy mis padres?, ¿cómo las vive mi pareja, mis hijos? Al revisar eso quizás surjan las respuestas o consejos que necesitas, pero si no surgen, si no entiendes de dónde viene lo que sientes, decide de todas formas hoy sentirte de otra manera. A veces nos empeñamos en entender el pasado, pero lo más importante es tomar acciones en el presente, poco importa si entiendes lo que pasó antes o no. Así que si no entiendes, igual hazlo, crea nuevas dimensiones de vida para ti hoy.

Si realizaste una interiorización profunda en tu viaje, si te diste chance para apreciar y disfrutar el presente, observarlo todo y disfrutar del cambio temporal, y al regresar a casa te sientes triste, pues déjalo ser, qué más da. No hay nada de malo en sentirse triste, quizás extrañas lo bien que te sentías sin tus preocupaciones diarias. Date chance. Tal vez un par de días, una semana, para agarrar el ritmo nuevamente.

Si por el contrario el viaje fue una pesadilla y no lograste dejar las preocupaciones atrás pues en buen momento para cambiar el patrón y hacer uno nuevo. Si creaste una ficción de tus vacaciones, un oasis, un modelo irreal de vida al cual te aferraste y ahora que regresaste se te rompió, pues también es buen momento para cambiar y decidir que ni tus vacaciones ni tu vida diaria sean maya, una ilusión. ¿Por qué sé que es un buen momento hoy para reaccionar y volverte más consciente? Porque hoy es el único momento en el que vives, así de fácil.

¿Qué hacer ahora? Agárrate con calma el regreso de las vacaciones. Relájate. Trata de no regresar de tus vacaciones un día lunes, sino regresa en viernes. Así tendrás el fin de semana para normalizar tus ritmos biológicos, para drenar en tu casita lo que sea que sientas, allí estarás protegido y en familia, en un sitio conocido y muy tuyo. El ambiente laboral que tienes puede que te encante o no, pero lo que si tiene de seguro es que no es tu casa y allí no puedes drenar lo que sientes en el momento en que lo siente. Prevé eso y regresa en viernes.

Es mejor no tener tantos días de vacaciones pero poder regresar en viernes o en sábado a más tardar y darte chance de recuperarte. Cuando no lo hacemos la primera semana de trabajo se hace muy, muy larga, no sólo porque podemos estar algo tristes, sino porque las vacaciones también cansan físicamente, si viajas lejos tienes el famoso cambio de horario (jet lag), tu cuerpo requiere adaptarse de nuevo y tu alma también. No te niegues esa posibilidad y organízate antes cuando pidas las vacaciones. Piensa que esos días en casa serán como una extensión de tus vacaciones pero en casita, no lo veas como que estás sacrificando tus vacaciones, no es así, porque es probable que eso te evite sentirte mal durante todo un mes o quizás más al regresar del viaje.

Si tienes hijos y has viajado con ellos, procura organizar que al regreso de vacaciones alguien cuide de ellos, quizás los abuelos, los padrinos o en dado caso una babysitter, pero planéalos antes para que ese fin de semana antes de empezar a trabajar realmente estés tranquilo(a). Si no hay quien los cuide busca un vacacional de fin de semana, los hay, quizás implique una inversión más grande de dinero pero bien vale la pena sobre todo si la pareja sigue junta, podrán darse unas vacacioncitas breves en casa pero sin niños. No sólo será bueno para ambos por separado, sino para la relación de pareja en sí misma.

A mí me gusta acomodar cosas en casa, cuando regreso de viaje, ordeno cosas sí… esas que nunca arreglo por falta de tiempo o de ganas. Algunos dirán que estoy chiflada pero a mí me sirve hacer algo físico y ponerle toda mi atención a eso. Es como si fuera una meditación en movimiento. El truco es hacerlo de manera muy consciente, es decir, si eliges lavar el baño detente en cada acto, siente el olor del jabón, el agua como cae, lo bonito que quedó después, sentir todo como en cámara lenta. A mí me ha dado buenos resultados cuando regreso de vacaciones y me entra un poco de tristeza.

Lo otro que hago es escribir, como ahora, estoy regresando de mi viaje a Europa y estoy feliz, pero por momentos me pongo triste, también me pasó antes, durante y después del viaje que tuve momentos repetitivos de viejos patrones. Yo en vez de tirarme al foso y pasármela mal, decidí que este viaje sería diferente y escribí lo que siento y lo que le pasa a muchas personas en todas las fases de las vacaciones. Tuvo éxito mi plan, estoy triste porque regresé pero no sufro, que es algo muy diferente. Mi viaje fue maravilloso para mí, maravilloso para mi pareja, encontré viejas amistades, recargué mis baterías y estuve en contacto con mis lectores que no paraban de escribirme. Gracias.

Gracias también a todas las personas que nos recibieron en sus casas, cuando llegas a casa de un(a) viejo(a) amigo(a) o de uno(a) nuevo(a) que recién conoces, todo es más fácil… el amor y la paz fluye.

Me encanta pensar que estas personas algún día viajarán y podremos recibirlos en nuestra casa y darles el mismo amor que ellos nos dieron. El avance de la tecnología tiene muchos méritos, bendigo al señor que creó los aviones por ejemplo. ¡Qué bueno es vivir en el siglo XXI!

Escribir siempre me ayuda y si de paso los ayuda a ustedes pues qué mejor regalo que ese.

¡Feliz regreso, amig@s!

Taika Ramé

PD amorosa: Gracias a Nicole Commels y sus amigos de Toulouse (Francia); a Alberto Bianco, Dominique Auzel y la familia de Alberto (Toulouse / Sicilia); a María Gabriela Saraullo (linda sarita) y su pareja -el cuoco- Stefano  (Roma), a Cao por venir a verme desde Moutier, a Claudia Apablaza e Ingrid Bergman (Marín) en Gràcia y a Cristian (el guapo) y Homar en Poblenou, los últimos nuestros anfitriones en Barcelona.