He chose today that he wanted to try his new life, he wanted to see if him and her would work it out in person, if after talking in person they still had the same feelings...the visions that keep running through my head is that he's going to waste money on her that he could be spending on his kids.  I'm not going to allow that to happen...I can't.  I don't know what their arrangements are but I sure don't want to be involved.  I have so much burried down inside me right now that I just might punch her directly in the face if I happen to run in to her somewhere.

I spoke to him earlier today while I was in town, I don't even remember why I called.  We talked for a few and then he asked me if I'd want to know when Bam was actually here or if I'd rather not know.  I told him that I'd rather know just because I'd be more cautious about what I did and where I did it.  So I said "So when is she coming?"  He said "What?"  I said "I SAID, when is she coming?....Tomorrow?"  He said..."Tomorrow."  "What?  Tomorow?  Are you SERIOUS?"  Then he proceeded to tell me how he borrowed money from his boss in order to buy her plane ticket which cost $334.48...I had to ask, I had to write it down in the checkbook.  That means that we "donated" $14.48 out of pocket in order for her to fly her god damn ass here, to MY house, where MY shit is.  I haven't even packed my stuff and SHE will be THERE TOMORROW!  TO FUCKING MORROW!

I am beyond blown away by his actions, I told him he's being selfish and inconsiderate and it's fucking bullshit.  I shouldn't have to put up with it, how am I supposed to go and gather my things while SHE is there....he's going to be at work and she'll be there all week....most likely rifling through my shit.  I'm so fucking livid right now I could spit fire.  I'm SO angry with him.

I talked to him tonight when he called to talk about the kids...I reminded him to change the sheets on the bed.  Wasn't that considerate of me?  I mean she wouldn't want to sleep on the same sheets that I did, when I lived there.  Maybe he'll scrub the fucking toilets for once too...I doubt that though.  I hope they have fun trying to find something to eat since we took 99% of the food yesterday when my dad in.  I can't tell you how disappointed I am in his actions to not only leave me, but to move her in within 3 days of shoving me and the kids out the door.  I don't even have the words to describe it.

His reasoning?  "I figured since everyone was so hurt right now that now is as good of a time than ever.  Why go through it again."  "Plus she already told all of her family she was leaving so why should I make her stay in Ohio for a month before I have a place of my own."

FUCK.  YOU.

Kristen's church made plans a month or so back to visit Chapman and offer helping hands in removing the still remaining debris all over the town.  DF and I joined her, among countless others, in an effort to help the Baer family put their home back together.  Christal, a mother of four beautiful girls, explained how she was nine months pregnant with her fourth when the tornado struck their home, and an hour later she went into labor.  Justin, husband to Christal and darling Daddy to his girls, works as a contractor during the day and in his available time makes an effort to spend time with his family and rebuild their home.

And I complain about having a dirty house.  At least I have a home.

In picking up the debris, many momentos were found embedded into the dirt surrounding the foundation of the Baer home.  A flip flop that had to be dug out of the ground it was so smothered with dirt.  A math answer key hidden away in a pile of brush and leaves, which we are all assuming traveled from the school a few hundred yards away.  An exercise plan circa 1989, also from the school.  A toy car, which had taken a nose dive into the dirt and was broken into tiny.little.pieces.

There is always talk following a catastrophe such as an F3 tornado on how one can be grateful to God for losing so much.  How one can understand how this is all part of His plan.  How one cannot be angry for losing a loved one in such a devastating manner.  Then you meet the folks of this town, who brought themselves back together by way of a football game.  Who created "We Are Chapman" shirts and wear them with pride.  Who give up time from working on their own home to help their fellow neighbor work on his.  And through these acts everyone, in turn, is reminded of God's plan.  His bigger plan.  The plan which reminds us of our ability and expectation to be a servant of Christ, turning neighbors into family, rebuilding dreams for each other.  The plan which reminds us that life as we know it is not all about us.  It's not all about our fancy-schmancy car.  It's not all about our big screen television.  It's not about us.  It's about Him, and the way in which we serve Him through humble, and noble, actions towards our fellow brethren.  And in those moments we are grateful for the knowledge He willingly, and lovingly, continues to provide to us.

I am humbled.  And I feel so blessed and honored to have been given such an incredible opportunity today.  My muscles ache, my calves are cramping, and my shoulders burn with pain...but I did it all to serve the Lord and pay respects and kindness to people who were not my friends before, but are my friends now.

Photos may be viewed here

10 Day Give, Day 1

Man those words hurt, Lord. To be honest, I don't think I'm lovable and I'm astounded that he even told me he loved me, yet in the end he didn't did he?  he left. he broke me so bad. he tore my heart out and affirmed my worst fears: that I am unlovable, that I am not good enough, that i wasn't enough, that i couldn't even love him right.

But, here's the root of all of that...I found my everything in him, in loving him, in our life together, in our future.  Even more so, I still do.  I still define myself and see myself through those lens.  Every little word that cut my heart, replays in my mind. The words that told me I needed to lose weight, the words that screamed do better, be more, do this, you're not her.  I'm stuck on replay.  Yet, even as those words fade I simply find others similar enough.  I find myself reaching out, trying to show that I need just a little something and the response becomes we're too busy--only to find out that they're reaching out to couples, they're meeting with the couples.  Because of course, when I was a couple that's who they reached out to as well.  

So how do I move on now and turn to You to find out who I am.  How can we as sinners even be lovable?  Am I?  I don't believe it. I don't see how to believe it. I keep looking for a laundry list of "to do" items to check off before I might except I know that the list only gets longer. 

Here I am. At the root of the problem talking myself in circles because this has all been said before and will probably be said again.  My solution for tonight. Bed.

Rob=the boy talked about here, here, here, here, here  here here and here. All of that means way too many posts about such a heart-wrenching topic.

While sitting and thinking, I felt this urge to go and check “that forum” to see if H had logged in. I hadn't checked the forum in weeks. Much to my surprise, he had not only logged in, but he also posted. I was upset to say the least. Part of the agreement we had made was that he was to leave the forum completely.

When I went onto “that forum”, H had not only returned, but done so on September 30. Now it makes sense as to why his sleeping pattern changed. I then logged in and went into his private messages where a couple of people sent him “welcome back” messages. There were also messages to and from a women. There should have been a total of eight but they were all deleted except for two. So he's definitely hiding something.

I knew H would return to “that forum” after summer. I predicted and I was right. He was only trying to buy time and wasn't really serious about working on us. I was just waiting around for something a little bit bigger then his emails with a woman from “that forum”. Now, all these proves he really doesn't care and never really did.

Upset as I was to learn of this new development, I wrote H an email thanking him for making my decision a lot easier:

One of the conditions for me staying here is that you stay away from ******(<--“that forum”). Looks like you have returned in full color. So power to you!

Another condition for me to stay was that you were not to have ANY contact with women via the Internet. I have watched you and know you are in contact with ***** via email and even possibly others through PM in yahoo.

I have nothing more to say about this. I will plan for my departure very carefully to make sure I do things right this time.

No need to respond to this email and no need to discuss this any further.

Peace..

A little while later, H comes home from work on break to make a coffee. He tells me "thank you?" and gives me the most hateful piercing look that I haven't seen in a very long time.

I replied, “Yes, you returned to the forum.”

“No, I didn't”, he replied as though he believed it himself.

“Yes you did. You posted,” I said while wondering to myself what his reason would be this time.

Well I may have posted, but I haven't returned to the forum,” he said it as though he were trying to convince himself what he believed to be true.

I couldn't believe he was playing the denial card again. What came to mind was a few months back when he was denying what was right in front of him. As a matter of fact, his pattern of denial has not changed all these months.

He knew that I would eventually find out. Why didn't he come up with a better reason as to why he returned to that forum? He was so upset knowing that he had messed up yet again, and told me I could leave, but our daughter is staying. I told him I will not leave my daughter behind. She is going with me and he can stop me at the airport on my way out of the country.

Once he returned back to work, my mind started racing. I realized, just as he does, that he has me right where he wants me. He did not only betray me, lie to me, put me through shit all these months, belittle me, blame shift on to me, but now, he can also get rid of me and keep his daughter. He knew what he was doing all along.

Watch this video for more information!

It's scary to see what a powerful storm can really do.

Honestly, I was -addicted- after just seeing one clip of her, unable to name a single Supreme Court case decision that she disagreed with, outside the chosen topic of Roe v. Wade.

What I learned from my several hours research, aside from her entire personal and political history,

(she was a beauty queen in 1984, once mayor in Wasilla she cut funding for building a new Town Hall and public library before putting the town in 1.3 million dollar debt to fund a new hockey rink, she attended five different colleges before getting her degree in broadcast journalism)

is that she is, honestly and truly, the most idiotic politician that I've ever had the displeasure of hearing speak. (And that's even considering President Bush)

She can't even name ONE goddamn newspaper in our country, I am serious about this, look up "Sarah Palin newspaper" on youtube if you're interested in that little disaster. I actually encourage you to watch the entire clip of that interview as the ending is really actually hilarious.

Sarah Palin's answers to Katie Couric's questions make her like a high school kid who is trying to bullshit their way through an essay test that they haven't studied for. 

Here's a clip of the transcript: 

Couric: You've said, quote, "John McCain will reform the way Wall Street does business." Other than supporting stricter regulations of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac two years ago, can you give us any more example of his leading the charge for more oversight? 

Palin: I think that the example that you just cited, with his warnings two years ago about Fannie and Freddie - that, that's paramount. That's more than a heck of a lot of other senators and representatives did for us. 

Couric: But he's been in Congress for 26 years. He's been chairman of the powerful Commerce Committee. And he has almost always sided with less regulation, not more. 

Palin: He's also known as the maverick though, taking shots from his own party, and certainly taking shots from the other party. Trying to get people to understand what he's been talking about - the need to reform government. 

Couric: But can you give me any other concrete examples? Because I know you've said Barack Obama is a lot of talk and no action. Can you give me any other examples in his 26 years of John McCain truly taking a stand on this? 

Palin: I can give you examples of things that John McCain has done, that has shown his foresight, his pragmatism, and his leadership abilities. And that is what America needs today. 

Couric: I'm just going to ask you one more time - not to belabor the point. Specific examples in his 26 years of pushing for more regulation. 

Palin: I'll try to find you some and I'll bring them to you. 

I thought, perhaps, that this was some kind of sick dream that I could not wake up from, but alas, this is as real as the fact that Sarah Palin fired the Wasilla librarian as Mayor because librarian responded that she would not ban books for Sarah or that she had rape victims pay for their own rape kits, making rape the only crime that  victims needed to pay for investigation.
(Before a disgusted legislator drafted a bill specifically to curb Wasilla's contagious disgrace) 

I spent HOURS, in complete and utter awe of just how unforgivably ignorant Governor Palin is about any issue concerning our country, though she claims to know all,  confidently muddling through some of the worst shit I've ever heard come from a person. 
Who does she think she's kidding, HONESTLY?

Certainly not Jack Cafferty, check this out:

We in particular want to remind you of the devastation our neighbors in Haiti recently experienced with 4 back-to-back incredible storms this past August.  Hurricanes Fay, Gustav, Hannah and Ike (and the subsequent flooding) have all done incredible damage to an already disadvantaged and poor country with very little infrastructure or support to get back on its feet.  The storms left over 1,000 people dead, thousands more wounded, and almost 800,000 in dire need of food, water and shelter.  Immediately after the storm, there were reports that nearly 200,000 people hadn't eaten in 3 days.  With nearly 9 million people living in Haiti on less than $2 a day under normal environmental conditions, these people are in serious need of outside help.

According to a September 26 United Nations meeting, these storms have set Haiti back several years and the UN has appealed to give $108 million in aid.  Still, the storms have caused an estimated $200 million in damage, particularly to the farming sector (one of Haiti's most important economic commodities), and has caused a loss of 3 to 4 percentage points of gross domestic product.  That's a fancy way of saying that these storms will have a very significant, long-term impact on Haiti's economy and it's future.

We have to admit that this pulls our heart strings here at Autonomie more than usual.  We have been working very closely with 2 small worker-owned coops in rural Haiti doing everything we can to assist them obtain proper machinery, the correct training, quality materials and operational structures so that they may be capable of becoming an active and successful supplier of Fair Trade fashion.  These workers already have a mountain to climb and a brick wall full of obstacles and now need our help more than ever.

Please take a minute and check out the following list of organizations that are appealing for help, aid and donations to get Haiti through this rough time.  There are many more...so do a little research on the web if these groups don't fit your bill.

• Campaign for Labor Rights: Haitian Workers Hurricane Relief, Washington DC
• Haiti KONPAY: Emergency Hurricane Relief Fund, Gloucester, MA
• MADRE: Emergency & Disaster Relief Fund, New York, NY
• Partners in Health, Boston, MA

One painful leap at a time,

I’ve stripped my consciousness

Of the negative, condemning beliefs

That I once created as protection

From disappointment and devastation.

I’ve yanked hope from a place of dread,

Till it began to fall like rain in spring.

As it became easier to have faith

That everything will be ok,

I still had doubts, embedded in my memories.

I still had fears, entrenched in my recollections.

Until one day I awoke blind but all seeing.

I wandered for months on what

May have appeared to be false hope.

I nourished my soul on what

Must have looked like imaginary bread.

I fell in love with life on a astral plane,

Which surely looked like a suicide mission.

Slowly I closed my eyes to this illusion,

And opened my seers to a land of wonder.

I learned that my skills in this previous life,

Were silly little tricks of a long lost trade.

I rediscovered my real talents of joy,

And relished in every moment of realization

As my talents unveiled themselves in healing,

Manifestation, shifting, knowing and touching.

Soon my life will appear to change,

A change which will seem drastic and amazing,

While all along, I will know that the real

Change occurred on that morn when my sadness

Was greater than all else because I knew I must go.

When I finally began to listen to that voice in my heart.

When it told me, “Of course everything will be just fine.”

A mandatory evacuation was ordered for Galveston and those other cities on the Gulf coast line Thursday, and those people were able to get to safety before the Houston residents decided to move out. It was all orderly and without panic. Waiting to hear about the total destruction and death tolls. Don't know if anyone in this area had the same experience as those poor people in New Orleans and the rest of Louisiana or not.

This sort of thing does play havoc on an eating program however. The banks closed on Thursday around 2:00 P.M. and no one could take any money out or put any money in, so we, like thousands of others, were left without cash - we had stocked up on things that we could eat for a day or so without having to cook, things like canned tuna, cheese, chips, nuts, fruit, water - but nothing that would constitute a good diet because we had no way of keeping it fresh or cooking it. Many of those with gas had electric igniters for their ranges, and many people in Houston have all-electric homes, so they were completely out of luck as far as cooking was concerned. I had a banana, some ginger snaps, a bottled Frappuccino, some nuts, some cheese and crackers and a glass of wine for my meals yesterday. Today, who knows? But not to worry, tomorrow or the next day, or the next day, or sometime in the future all will be well and everyone can get back to their normal routine. Talk at ya later when I have more news.

Think Thin Thoughts!

Adinear

From the New York Times:

Rescue workers expressed fears, however, that more bodies were still to be found in unexplored areas swamped by the hurricane’s storm surge, including the Bolivar Peninsula, a spit of land just east of Galveston, where the storm surge was at its most intense and many houses were reduced to rubble.

Local officials said rescuers had been unable to get to at least several dozen people on the peninsula who had precariously escaped floodwaters on Friday by fleeing to rooftops and water tanks. One middle-aged man was washed from his home on Crystal Beach on the peninsula all the way to the mainland, where he was picked up by National Guard troops who spotted him from a helicopter.

Leaders in the hardest-hit communities along the coast and on Galveston Bay — increasingly desperate at the lack of basic supplies and utilities — warned that it could be weeks before the 1.2 million residents who fled inland could return home.

So far, the colossal storm has been blamed for at least 10 deaths in the United States, including seven in Texas, two in Louisiana and one in Arkansas. In Galveston, the city manager, Steve LeBlanc, said that rescue workers had so far discovered five of the bodies, and that the toll might rise. “We are searching every structure from one end of the island to the other,” Mr. LeBlanc said.

LOL, tis true. WmWB has a few more ways of checking in with me LOL. Yes, I am positively okay. I heard from my guy yesterday. He is physically okay, but emotionally drained. He still has no power at his place, meaning no hot food, no hot water, no hot showers, which is kinda necessary in Houston to get rid of that smoggy, humid filth that just clings to ya down there.. *shudders* When he could get his pc charged up, he couldn't find a place with internet service.. and vice versa. I am thankful he was able to finally contact me, meaning able to also finally contact his family overseas to let them know he is okay as well.

My sorority big sis wasn't as fortunate (and it was a service sorority, not the regular Greek type for those who I just made wonder). To save money, she lives at home with her mom since she is a single woman on a teacher's salary. Unfortunately for them, Hurricane Ike blew the roof off of their home, allowing for some major water damage in areas. On top of that, she's been sick with a bug going around, and they still don't have power either. She was able to contact me after some places were nice enough to let people come charge up their phones/computers so they could get in touch with concerned family and friends. She's lucky enough to own an IPhone, so could actually email from her phone.

I am simply happy to have learned that my guy, my friends, and my family that live in the Houston/East Texas area, are all physically okay. Emotionally, I have to say, most everyone I know has been walking around like zombies in shock. I, myself, have been experiencing this overwhelming sense of devastion. I cannot tell you how many times I have cried and gotten goosebumps this week. Plus, it did NOT help that one of the computers at work decided to fry itself and take the whole pharmacy interface system with it. Being a very busy pharmacy, it was REALLY rough having to fill prescriptions with what we refer to as "old school." Meaning, we had to separate EVERY single prescription into its own basket along with the drug, and the rx the doctor sent for new ones. When you are busy, it is difficult trying to track down that medicine stock bottle in a sea of baskets and prescriptions. Plus, when people came in to pick up prescriptions BEFORE their pickup time, we had NO way of figuring out where it was without searching 40 plus baskets at a time. *Sigh* Just imagine trying to get all the filled prescription papers back in order after doing that for 2 days.. that equaled approximately 400 new prescription papers to put BACK into order, and who was the lucky one chosen for that job? Your reading her blog as we speak. Not to mention the flu shot clinic we had on Friday.. and yes, people are starting to freak out because the flu is actually beginning to run rampant here. Not what we needed with so many frazzled folks..

As for my zombie state... My parents couldn't afford many extras when we were growing up, which meant few vacations for us. So, for a weekend getaway, about every other summer, they would take us to Galveston while my younger sibling and I were growing up. Almost everything I know and loved in Galveston is completely and utterly gone. Few people you talk to from North Texas are not feeling this same sense of loss, because there are quite a few people whose families did the same as mine did. Nothing is left along the Seawall except the Flagship Hotel, and bits and pieces of it are gone as well. Huge chunks of the Seawall are gone too, the 17 foot concrete Seawall erected after the 1900 hurricane that killed thousands on Galveston Island. Hurricane Ike actually hit on the anniversary of that 1900 Storm disaster, also known as Isaac's Storm. About the only things left standing are the Moody Gardens, the Strand, the Historical District (including downtown), UTMB-Galveston, Texas A&M Univ.-Galveston, and a couple of new major hotels that were all built to be well above the 17 feet the Seawall already was. A few newer homes that built well above the 17 foot wall were also spared, although almost all of the above mentioned places have many broken windows and LOTS of water damage. Other than that, the whole west side of Galveston is gone, Port Bolivar is gone.. it looks like the aftermath of the tsunami that hit southeast Asia several years ago.

Lots of South Houston/suburbs/etc. were destroyed as well.. if not by water, then by trees or flying debris in 100+ mph winds. Technically, Ike was only a Category 2 hurricane... by 1 mph.. yes, I did say one. When it came onto Galveston, it was 110 mph. Category 3 is 111 mph. By the time the outerbands got to us in the DFW area that afternoon and East Texas, we were mostly experiencing Category 1/Tropical Storm force winds.  The hurricane itself was nearly the size of Texas.. no exaggeration required. Let me give you an idea of just how big Texas is. It takes approximately 6-7 hours to get to Houston from the Oklahoma/Texas border.. give or take a few hours. Houston itself is over 100 miles across, so it's another hour to Galveston Island. From northeast Texas, it takes approximately 13 HOURS to get to El Paso or 8 hours to get to Lubbock/Amarillo. You can actually get to Chicago, Illinois from northeast Texas quicker than you can get to El Paso, Lubbock, or Amarillo. Fortunately, Ike moved will amazing speed across Texas, so although, a LOT of places sustained major damage from wind and trees, almost nobody else experienced the major flooding in Texas. Still, all of those of us who remember what was there in Galveston, feel an overwhelming sense of loss and devastation. We have all lost a little piece of us that we knew as Galveston, Texas.

For those morbid enough to want to see some of places I was speaking of, here are a few websites that show clips of before and after Hurricane Ike hit...

(above picture courtesy of the http://blogs.denverpost.com/captured/2008/09/16/after-ike/)

http://www.photohouston.com/galveston-texas-photos/Texas-gulf-coast-pictures.html

http://www.texasgulfcoastonline.com/News/tabid/86/ctl/ArticleView/mid/466/articleId/115/Default.aspx

http://www.thebostonchannel.com/multimedia/m/20925159/beyond_galveston_seawall_lies_destruction.htm

I utterly condemn any act of terrorism. 2003 Marriott bombing that happened in Jakarta, yesterday a bomb rocked Marriott Hotel in Islamabad. Apparently these terrorist are out to attack symbols of US institution. Marriott Hotel chain hails from USA. The scene was simply devastation and carnage. Innocent people were involved in the fight of ideology. Terrorist attack these symbols that represent ideology in a bid to destroy them. They can destroy as many building and they only succeed if we falter and give in. Leave the innocent people alone...

Next tainted milk fiasco in China has hit our shores. Marigold dutch strawberry milk manufactured in China are affected. Apparently some shops are still selling these unwholesome/tainted products. Next white rabbit sweets seem to be affected as tested by AVA. What is wrong with the world? White Rabbit sweet something familiar and close to everyone is deemed unsafe. A sweet I'm accustomed to eating since young.

Last but not least MAS has assured that our financial institution are sound despite the turmoil that has decended on wall street and sending shockwaves around the globe. Some sentiments on the ground in Singapore were

No more Assurance in Insurance

Curtesy of utube this clip should bring back memories of harder times in Fleetwood. The Fleetwood flood brought devastation to the town nearly 100 years ago.

See if you can guess the streets involved here.

H mentioned to me that he likes the road we're on. He likes this road, because it is a road of peace in the home. We only talk about every day things, which mostly relates to our daughter. There are no longer any heavy conversations or disagreements. It is very quiet here on the home front.

I understand how he likes a quiet road, I do too. In fact, it allows one to think and plan their future. However, this road we're on, even though very quiet, is the wrong road as we're not addressing any of our problems. We're just floating here. I believe that we will continue down this road until one of us gets tired and walks away. It feels like the only thing that's left is the heated ash from the large fire that was burning for several months. The smoke has started lifting from the ashes, but the small flame that lies beneath, is not completely out yet.

When H heard the part about one of us walking away, he was caught off guard and questioned it.

That is when he began acting very serious and told me, “You have too much time on your hands to analyze things and I am very concerned about you.”

When I asked exactly what he meant by that, he had no explanation as to why he was concerned.

He continued repeating the phrase but would not give me an answer. If I didn't know better it sounded like he was trying to get me to believe something was terribly wrong with the free time I had or with me for that matter. Of course, after all I've been through with him, I know him much better then that. He always tells me something like the above phrase when a conversation begins to get deep or is of a serious nature. This usually happens when he wants to avoid the topic of discussion. It is his way to turn the conversation around taking our focus elsewhere, which always leads to me.

I sure wish he was this concerned about me over the last several months when I was going out of my mind and going through all the shit he was dishing out. He was never concerned at all. And if he was, he never showed it.

It is true that I have more time on my hands now. Four extra hours to be exact. But that's only because our daughter started school. It gives me the time I need to do my housework without interruptions and a little bit of “me” time. Now why would that be a concern for H?

- - - - - - - - -

Next: Another breach of agreement

Poor, disillusioned young thing.

I looked up at her; stood on my tip toes to touch her cheek maternally as if to emphasize the sage wisdom I was about to impart, but all wizened comments were foiled by a cramp in my calf, an obvious electrolyte imbalance.

Cursed, cursed aging!!!

She then dealt the final blow by telling me that her mother used to love my FM morning show antics and would have our show on the car radio when she'd drop the kids off at school.

Elementary school, thank you very much.

Great!

I am a Southern woman by way  of Texas and I was raised as such.  That means, regardless of the situation and the embarrassing levels it might reach, we're taught to be gracious.   Always.

I thanked her and limped away. I drove home feeling old, but okay about it.  Does that make sense?  You see, I'm grateful to feel anything.

Permit me to explain.

A major hurricane just blew through Houston and vicinity and decimated so much of Southeast Texas.  It had been 25 years since hurricane force winds blew through downtown Houston.  With our complacency now gone; we no longer feel impervious to nature and many are walking around as if we've been 'fragged';  shot by our own troops.

I had some property damage, but it's minor at best.   My satellite dish-- I swear, has teeth marks on it and as a result, I don't have TV.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I DO get one channel, but it's Lifetime Made For TV movies.  And this cruel restriction my friends,  is a fate worst than death for thinking women.  Sorry, but it is.  Imagine, all Markie Post or Valerie Bertinelli, all the time.  And every title of every "movie" includes two words.  As far as I can tell, that's a "Lifetime" law.

"Desperate Stranger"

"Strange Desperation"

"Desperate Love"

"Love Storm"

"Calm Storm"

"Stormy Calm" and then there's the rare, "Donna R: Portrait of A Teenage (insert malady here)"

Since Ike blew through a week ago,  living in Houston is like living in a Communist block country.  There's a curfew that's strictly enforced.  You have to present credentials and proper I.D.  to justify being in your neighborhood past certain hours.  Few restaurants are open and those that are, have a limited menu.  There's still no power in over a million homes and those that have it, have it intermittently. Phone reception is spotty; there are long gas lines; long food lines...little ice and very little patience left among the populace.

Life is reminiscent of a fascist checkpoint without the Adolph Menjou character in a Nazi uniform.  It is inconvenient and annoying and there's also an emotional toll, even for those affected peripherally.

Few people are sleeping.   I know I'm not.  I don't have much of an appetite;  my hair looks like hell and my skin, which now--after all the stress--looks like an aerial view of a flesh colored relief map of Appalachia,  but I'm still here and much better off than so many people in Galveston and other beach front communities and surrounding counties which took the full brunt of the storm.

Don't worry, kids.  This will be my last storm post.   But in the meantime,  please indulge me...I've got to get this out of my system.

Hurricane Ike took so much from so many people; it stole lives--the authorities say it'll probably take years to properly determine the exact number of lives it claimed;  most of which were swept out to sea by a vicious storm surge; and Ike also ruined lives.   My heart goes out to the victims; they've nothing left.    But you see, I get it now more than ever;  I understand what I didn't during Andrew,  Katrina or even Rita for that matter.   I got it by watching the recovery struggle of "the never hads"  and those, who by virtue of this horrific storm, have now been made, "the have nots".

Hurricanes always damage more people than they do buildings,  but I never noticed it--not really.  Before, these people and their plight were just news stories to me; things which I blithely reported.   Hurricane Ike was different.  I lived it. I live it.

There is physical and human devastation all around me.  So, as I sit in my well lit home watching the movie,  "Stormy Love" on Lifetime in air conditioned comfort, I realize that when the winds blew fierce over Southeast Texas and took so much, they actually gave me something...gratitude for what I have and humility for what I don't.

Gilcrest is no more.  200+ beach homes are no more.  People risking rattlesnake bites to check for survivors.  Devastation as millions are without power.  Hours in line trying to get gas and commodities.  If this is not being a "top story" - and bashing our government is - then you have proof positive of the liberal influenced media's motives.

Just because we're Texans and tough - doing for ourselves and others - I can't believe it's no longer a top story.  Sensationalists!  Makes me sick.

No matter.  God has helped us, will help us, and if the media won't by spotlighting real people in the USA - God will provide.  He never breaks faith.

I thought about the little town I live in and tried to apply that scenario here. What if the entire town were destroyed, all houses gone, all jobs gone, all that remains are piles everywhere. What would I do? Stay and build my little house again? With what? I live and work in this town, so both would be gone, and I certainly could not afford to rebuild. Sure insurances kick in and pay some, but not all, and what about those who were not or could not afford insurance?

I can't quite wrap my head around how one gets started again after something like this.

Fortunately, I can call family and move in with them until I find a retail job or some other temporary situation just to get some cash coming in again. What about the bills? Those still come in, whether you have a job or not. Things quickly accumulate. Then it's another black hole that's impossible to crawl out of, on top of everything else. It's a long road ahead.

I was truly horrified for the people who's live has now been altered in a way that will never be the same.