Okay, so the first thing on my handy little task list is "People in motorized scooters in stores." So where to begin? Let me just tell you what was going on when this little topic popped into my mind. I was walking through my local Fry's, minding my own business, when this lady jetted out from an aisle right in front of me. Now, I'm a level headed guy, it didn't really get to me. It definitely would later on though. So this happened on the extreme East side of the store where all the produce and bakery goods are. I needed to get to the extreme West side of the store to the milk. So naturally I just strolled behind this lady, pullin out my handy BlackBerry and texting all my friends, waiting for her to just turn down an aisle -- something she didn't seem ready to do. This wasn't what bugged me, it was more her thinking she owned the whole store. Multiple times I watched her get angry with somebody who didn't instantly jump out of her way. She even got into a mild shouting match with some punk thug. It was quite amusing. So anyway, we were heading toward the milk when she pulls past an aisle, stops, throws that scooter in reverse, reverses a touch, then starts going forward again. It's like the lady couldn't see down an aisle until she was almost past it. Granted, I know she didn't have the best viewing angle but she did that on six of the remaining eight aisles. That drove me absolutely nuts. Anyway, I get done with my shopping, finally, and as I head out of the store guess who I see. Little Miss Scootermaniac. I watch her park the scooter, stand up, and walk out of the store. She didn't even need it at all. That really pissed me off but I just let it go -- hoping she'd get hit by a car outside.. Just kidding.. Kind of. So it leads me to the fact that stores need to regulare who gets the scooters. My solution: Get rid of them. If you absolutely cannot walk around the store, there can be wheelchairs. Those things don't have motors.

The next topic will probably make you think I'm a cold, heartless bastard -- I'm not. It deals with the ESPYs and the fact the Kevin Everett won an award. If you don't know his story it breaks down pretty simple. He was a Buffalo Bills Special Teams member that got injured executing a rookie mistake in the first game of the season. After the ball was kicked a member of the Denver Broncos was running witht he ball and Everett ducked his head, to take the hit, which promptly broke his neck and sent him to the ground. Now I'm all for everyone supporting his strive to get back to wellness.. but that's about it. The man made a rookie mistake and apparently that makes him award worthy. Just.. wow. Maybe if I did something stupid and got really hurt I could get an award. Perhaps? Bah, whatever, it just shows how much society likes to play out a sob story for all it's worth -- an ESPY in this case.

This also has to do with the ESPYs, although not the same thing. If you weren't aware, Tiger Woods won the ESPY for "Best Male Athlete." That is quite comical. Are we prepared to call a golfer an athlete? I mean, I know the guy would completely wreck me at golf, but I'd get wrecked at the World Series of Mah Jong as well. I'm not really going to delve too deep into this one, it's just something that made me laugh. Mr. Woods won the award over Tom Brady and Kobe Bryant. Who the hell voted for this?

The final piece of rantworthy information is a touch tasteless, really. It's good 'ol friends with benefits. Now I'm not Mr. Player, nor am I Mr. Attractive, but I've had my fair share of sexual encounters. Both with girlfriends and with just friends. The reason I bring this up is because one of those encounters, just a friend, has recently been bugging me for favors. Nothing of the sexual sort, just things like rides (car rides you sicko) and to get her cigarettes. Now, I absolutely HATE cigarettes even though my parents smoke. So I'm not going to support a filthy habit, especially with a girl that only seems to talk to me anymore when she needs something. So what does she do? She tells me she wants me to pay her back for all the times she fooled around with me and got nothing. You know, the couple of times she gave me dome, a quick little thing. Now instantly this brings the thought of prostitution to mind. It makes sense, right? I mean she wants me to pay her for sexual favors. Not necessarily with money, but with material objects. Even if it is after the fact, does that make her a prostitute? I'm not really sure, but what I am sure of is that when you're fooling around with someone, you better get satisfied too. Don't try to hold off until six months later and try to say they owe you. It's not going to work.

So that's all I've got for now. I was going to insert a bit of my take on Dane Cook stealing jokes but decided not to. If I ever want to be a comic, I don't want someone to steal my material! Ha.

Anyway, until next time..

Experience Planning has used this type of insight generation for a long time, but now that we've mixed methodologies with traditional methods, I asked myself, who outside of advertising or marketing or academia already observes human behavior in their daily line of work?

It's pretty obvious: it's comedians. Like no other group do they make their living of being able to spot trends, behavior, knacks, idiosyncrasies people or groups and serve them up as "funny insights."

In a way, the better and uncommon the insight, the louder the audience's applause. It is a very human thing to be able laugh at some fundamental truths being unearthed in front of you. You see youself, and groups around mirrored before you, which can be an inspiring act. As planners, this is what we should aim for. We shouldn't necessarily make creatives laugh (they are used to making the jokes themselves), but whether we are planners or creatives, we should aim to inspire others in that way.

Here is one of my favorite comedian insights, in this case about men and women fighting (warning: liberal use of expletives!)

DANE COOK-PUBLIC RESTROOMS

Dane Cook ― Sneeze

Tim Conway ― Elephant story

Lily Tomlin accepts award

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We at Big News are still awaiting word as to when iO West will reopen. Right now our next show is scheduled for Sunday, August 3 at 9pm. But the layoff hasn't stopped our writers from writing jokes about the events of the day - and while we may not have a theater in which to present them, we do have the good ol' Internet!

The Obama campaign has objected to a cartoon on the cover of the New Yorker that depicts him as a Muslim and his wife as a radical black activist. Obama was upset mostly because his depiction was not wearing a flag pin.

The Obama campaign has objected to a cartoon on the cover of the New Yorker that depicts him as a Muslim and his wife as a radical black activist. Objecting to cartoons inside the New Yorker: golfers, doctors and squiggly people with marital problems.

In a speech this week, Barack Obama said that the war in Iraq distracts Americans from the threat of the Taliban in Afghanistan. Obama added that the war distracts Americans from an even bigger threat: cartoonists.

On Friday, former Sen. Phil Gramm gave up his position as economic advisor to the McCain campaign, a week after saying the United States was a “nation of whiners.” In resigning, Gramm pointed out that he’d realized we're more of a nation of quitters.

Pope Benedict says that the world's natural resources are being squandered in the pursuit of "insatiable consumption." In addition, other natural resources are being squandered in order to make the pope's hat.

After a meeting, President Bush stated that Russian President Dmitry Medvedev is a “smart guy.” In supporting his opinion, Bush pointed out that Medvedev had mastered the difficult language of Russian.

According to a new survey, only 21% of Americans are in favor of federal aid for those facing foreclosures. The other 79% did not respond to the survey because it was not sent to the box where they currently live.

A new poll of American Jews reveals that 90% think the country is on the wrong track. But for you, 85%.

A new poll of American Jews reveals that 90% think the country is on the wrong track. Although maybe they wouldn't if you called once in a while.

World leaders at the G-8 conference have agreed to cut in half the amount of greenhouse gas emissions by the year 2050. President Bush said the U.S. will do its part on cutting gas emissions by shutting down all Taco Bells.

The United States military has a shortage of linguists fluent in the languages spoken in Afghanistan: Dari, Pashto, Uzbek, and Turkmen. The United States government likewise has a shortage of presidents fluent in English.

The Wisconsin Supreme Court ruled Wednesday that under state law, sex acts with the dead were illegal. As a result, groupies will not have sex with the band after the next Rolling Stones concert in Milwaukee.

The Wisconsin Supreme Court ruled Wednesday that under state law, sex acts with the dead were illegal. Anyone convicted will receive a stiff sentence.

The Wisconsin Supreme Court ruled Wednesday that under state law, sex acts with the dead were illegal. In light of the news, Larry King and his wife have cancelled their second honeymoon in Milwaukee.

The Wisconsin Supreme Court ruled Wednesday that under state law, sex acts with the dead were illegal. However, it remains legal in Wisconsin for quarterbacks with dead careers to screw their former team.

A 33-year-old Michigan man is accused of wearing a “World's Greatest Dad” shirt to a meeting for sex with what he thought was a 14-year-old girl. In his defense, the man pointed out that under “World's Greatest Dad,” the shirt said in smaller letters “at having sex with 14-year-old girls.”

French President Nicolas Sarkozy announced plans for a Mediterranean Union funded by the European Union and aimed at ending poverty, strife and other social and diplomatic problems in former French colonies in Northern Africa. The plans are all part of France's new "You Break It, You Buy It" policy.

A Japanese labor bureau has ruled that a Toyota engineer died from working too many hours on the development of a Camry hybrid. Ironically, the new vehicle is designed to run on a combination of gasoline, electricity, and the ashes of dead Japanese engineers.

US Airways says it will start removing in-flight entertainment systems on domestic flights in November to save about $10 million annually in fuel and other costs. This decision will also save millions of lives once passengers are no longer forced to watch "Drillbit Taylor."

US Airways says it will start removing in-flight entertainment systems on domestic flights in November to save about $10 million annually in fuel and other costs. US Airways is currently the only airline that uses gasoline-powered movies.

US Airways will start removing in-flight entertainment systems on domestic flights in November to save about $10 million annually in fuel and other costs. The airline loses money due to flights being delayed when passengers yell “There’s a bomb on board!” every time a Dane Cook movie is shown.

Angelina Jolie gave birth to twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline on July 12. Jolie is healthy but disappointed, since with twins she figured odds were at least one of them would not be white.

The National Enquirer is reporting that sixty-two-year-old Cher plans to marry an ex-Hell's Angel nearly half her age. Her fiancé is still five times older than anything on Cher's face.

Metallica will make the songs on their next CD available for download to play on Guitar Hero III. The download will include also allow players to engage in interactive group therapy sessions.

Sarah Jessica Parker's trademark mole has been removed from the actress's face. "I no longer wanted to walk around being seen with that hideous thing," said the mole.

Miss USA Crystle Stewart fell down during Monday's Miss Universe contest. Stewart fell as part of the talent competition while doing her impression of the U.S. dollar.

Miss USA Crystle Stewart fell down during Monday's Miss Universe contest. She also misspelled her first name.

A new report suggests that babies conceived from frozen embryos are just as healthy as those conceived naturally. Except for the freezer burn.

A new report suggests that babies conceived from frozen embryos are just as healthy as those conceived naturally. They also come in an assortment of fruity flavors.

Last month, the 38th annual Gay Pride Parade was held in San Francisco. And, girl, she does not look a day over 25.

Last month, the 38th annual Gay Pride Parade was held in San Francisco. Residents celebrated by dancing in the streets, dressing outrageously, and otherwise behaving as they do every other day.

According to a new study, men who eat too many fatty foods can have hurt their sperm production. The decrease often goes unnoticed, as none of the overweight men has seen their penises in years.

According to a new study, men who eat too many fatty foods can hurt their sperm production. Nutritionists recommend that overweight men switch to fresh fruit while surfing internet porn.

The nation's DNA tracking system faces a huge backlog that could take years to clear, leaving crimes unsolved and offenders free in society. The cause of the backlog: the massive workload of paternity tests from The Maury Povich Show.

The World Heritage List has added eight new natural wonders. The list includes the Joggins Fossil Cliffs, the Lagoons of New Caledonia, and Jessica Alba's career.

An epidemic of cancer is forcing Tasmanian devils to breed earlier. The efforts are proving unsuccessful since the Tasmanian devils want only to breed with rabbits dressed in drag.

Bangkok, Thailand was voted the world's best city in a poll conducted by Travel + Leisure magazine, trumping last year's winner, Florence, Italy. Bangkok's victory was attributed to the fact that most readers of Travel + Leisure magazine are pedophiles.

Bangkok, Thailand was voted the world's best city in a poll conducted by Travel + Leisure magazine, trumping last year's winner, Florence, Italy. In an effort to win back the title, Florence has launched an intensive campaign to teach all women in the city how to shoot ping-pong balls out of their vaginas.

Bangkok, Thailand was voted the world's best city in a poll conducted by Travel + Leisure magazine, trumping last year's winner, Florence, Italy. Bangkok's victory was attributed to the fact the only reader of Travel + Leisure magazine is Murray Head.

Bangkok, Thailand was voted the world's best city in a poll conducted by Travel + Leisure. Bangkok was also voted the best city in a poll conducted by Pedophile Weekly.

Bangkok, Thailand was voted the world's best city in a poll conducted by the magazine Travel + Leisure. Bangkok residents praised the magazine, saying for once it's nice that someone gave them a "happy ending."

And finally, Evelyn Keyes, the actress who played Scarlett O'Hara's younger sister Suellen in the classic 1939 film "Gone With the Wind," died of uterine cancer July 4 in Montecito at age 91. While fans had hoped Keyes would live to 92, frankly, she didn't give a damn.

Hey all, my name is Tom, I'm good friends with Rob and I'm a Virgo.  You've already seen a little of my work in his Unwritten Rules of Beirut post and here's some other verbal diahrrea you may enjoy.

I find that in this day of modern technology with personal computers shrunk down to pocket size, "smart" cars, and Dick Clark, that a lot of the true meaning in simple conversation is, I guess you could say, lost in translation.  Don't ask me how technology really has to do with that, or what any of that really means, I just thought it would be a good lead.  With that ramble out of the way, I present a skit that illustrates my point.

I sit in my living room watching TV with my best friend Sam Donovan while my dog Samson Blackjack lays at my feet.

Me: …Dane Cook is really starting to piss me off.  I mean, get over it.

Sam:  What the hell are you talking about dude?  He’s the modern day Seinfeld.  Observations bro, we LIVE his jokes.

Me:  Whatever, agree to disagree.

Sam:  Idiot.

…..A few seconds of silence passes by….

Me:  I love you Sam.  You’re my little guy.

Sam: What? Are you—What’d you just say?

Me: What?

Sam: You just said you loved me and I was your little guy.

Me:  No you gay ass, I was talking to my dog. Get over yourself Dane.

Sam:  Oh…*laughs awkwardly*…I thought you were talking to me, creepy.

…A few more seconds pass by…

Sam: So do you want to—

Me:  I really think you’re a cute boy Sam, and I love giving you kisses.

Sam: Dude what the fuck?  What are you trying to do?

Me:  Holy shit man I was talking to my dog.  Can you relax for a minute and get comfortable.  You know I have a girlfriend that I love.

Sam:  True.  It’s just, what you’re saying could go either way.

Me: Yea, well, I guess I could go either way.

Sam:  What does that even mean?

Me:  Forget it, you’re so gay.

…The next few seconds seem to take an eternity with the amount of awkward that fills the air.  It’s palpable and can be cut with a knife…

Me:  Listen Sam, I just want to say that I think about you while you’re not here and enjoy every time we make physical contact.

Sam:  Alright asshole, there’s no way you were talking to you’re dog that time.

Me:  Wow, You. Are. Ridiculous.  I was simply saying that whenever Sam goes to the vet I miss him and I love petting him and wrestling around.  Not unlike when you and I wrestle.  Can I show affection to my dog without you accusing me of making a move on you?  God, you’re not even my type.

Sam:  You’re ty-?

Me:  You’re SO gay sometimes.  I don’t even know why I bother.

….Unbearable seconds pass by, Sam is staring straight ahead, I'm staring directly at him…

Me:  I paint you while you shower.

Cast:

Direction: Peter Hedges

Review: This is a nice movie to watch for the ones who like romance and comedy. Personally i like this combination second best to the unique and exhilirating. The movie revolves around a widower with three kids who meets a girl in a bookstore and realizes he is very comfortable with her. Only to find out later that she is his brother's girlfriend. How they spend the family gettogether and fight the love that springs up between them forms the story.

Dane Cook's fall from grace continues today as the wheels begin to turn in his eviction trial.  Dane it seems, is not only a terrible comic, but also a terrible neighbor.  He also presumably does not have enough money to buy a home, and therefore still has to deal with a landlord.

Dane's lawyer has begun to interview prospective jurors and asked them a number of revealing questions, according to TMZ:

- What’s worse. Stepping in gum or stepping in dog poop?
- If you live next to a park and saw dog poop, would you avoid that park?
- Would you confront someone about spitting out gum on the sidewalk or not picking up dog poop in a public place?
- Would you confront a neighbor about picking up after their dog?

He is apparently trying to find those who feel that dog poop is either okay, or only as bad as gum, a substance you put in your mouth.  Not to jinx him or anything, but I have a feeling Dane won't be winning this case.

James McAvoy wants to be like Matt Damon! --> Socialite's Life

Dita Von Teese is red hot! --> Flawed Hollywood

A-Rod had an affair with a stripper? --> Bumpshack

Kate Moss didn't learn a thing about Pete Doherty --> Female First

Kate Hudson & Lance Armstrong "Just do it" --> Faded Youth Blog

The truth about Kanye West --> Jossip

Ashley Dupree to get reality show? --> Mollygood

Dane Cook & his doggies doo doo --> TMZ

Madonna is worse than Satan! --> Yeah!

Want a free ride on the Hulkstache? --> Best Week Ever

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first; get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating…
...and you finish off as an orgasm."

Check him out! (Search, find, watch, buy)
Retaliation (2005)
Harmful If Swallowed (2003)
Rough Around the Edges (2007)
Vicious Circle (2006)

Find out stuff about Dane Cook
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dane_Cook
http://www.danecook.com
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0176981/
http://www.myspace.com/danecook

Good Luck Chuck stars Dane Cook as the unfortunately cursed Dr. Charlie Logan (aka Chuck), and Jessica Alba as the disastrous Cam Wexler. A sex comedy at the least, since most scenes are purely sweet or just plain, good, old slapstick comedy (horny at times, though); but still a sex comedy.

Opening in the year 1985, Chuck, as a child, was cursed by a 10-year old occult-wannabee after being denied of a first time quickie in a game of Seven Minutes in Heaven (which resembles the Truth or Dare game). The curse was that whenever he would meet a girl, they would fall in love, go out, and have sex. But then, the girl would leave him and the next guy the girl meets would be the one she would marry. Seems like a happy ending, no? But Chuck, who, in the present day, feels like a mere key to everyone's happily ever after--except to himself. Until he meets Cam. He feels that she IS the one. This prompted him to verify the validity of the curse or "the charm," as known to ladies far and wide. At one point, Chuck is convinced that it's just a coincidence, a hoax. But after a passionate night with Cam, he suddenly finds out that the most unattractive woman on Earth whom he slept with earlier is finally getting married, he feels he might lose the love of life. Chuck then goes to extreme and overexaggerated acts that leads to his breakup with Cam. With a broken heart, Chuck gets to the bottom of all of his bad luck. And in his quest to fight to be "that next guy," he discovers how people are meant for each other when they are in truly in love--a love as sweet as a penguin's love.

Although critics at Rotten Tomatoes have panned the film extensively, I still liked it! Well, aside from the sexy comedy. I loved the idea of referring the love lives of penguins to the love life of the two protagonists. It is a good watch and I wasn't really bored in the first sequences. But if watched it and you did hate it, I guess it just depends on every individual's tastes.

Oh California. A state full of movie stars and earthquakes. Where Lindsay Lohen can have people pay her to take pictures of her. If you look to the sky at night you can see the mysterious night sky ablaze in the monthly forest fires.

No one actually knows where the name California came from. Some say it came from a lonely Mexican named El Californus. Others say they don’t have time to care since they’re busy writing the new script for the Gilligan’s Island movie update.

California is known for it’s warm climate. Every day is 80 degrees with a chance of becoming a snob.

- World Series Quake: named due to the fact that it tried to make a baseball game interesting, this powerful 6.9 earthquake killed 67 people and injured countless talent agents and hairdressers.

- Angora Fire: a huge wildfire that caused a ton of damage and hurt many peoples feelings. No one knows what caused this massive fire, but some believe that it was due to Ben Affleck’s career going down in flames.

Disneyland: Where kids go to be scared by teenagers wearing big mouse heads. It is also the place that every quarterback visits after winning the Super Bowl.

Redwood National Park: Home to the beautiful Redwood Trees. These tall and majestic trees will soon be making way for a parking deck and a new convenience store/McDonald’s combo.

Hollywood: Where people go to live their dreams just to end up becoming alcoholics who drink their pain away every Friday night.

1848: The gold rush. Many people came to this new land after gold was discovered. Most ended up going back home and begging for their old dry-cleaning jobs back.

1869: the east is connected to California by railroad. Most trains are not allowed in, mainly because they weren’t good enough and didn’t follow the “in” crowd.

1908: the first movie starts production in California. The movie was met with luke warm reviews from the first movie critics. Most giving it one thumb up and one thumb down. Others maintain that these moving pictures will never take over as a new form of entertainment. Still others maintain that by making these “movies,” this will allow Dane Cook to somehow have a career.

1977: the personal computer is invented by who knows who. This event is frowned upon solely because it allowed pointless and stupid blogs to be invented, such as this one.

2008: Homosexuals are allowed to get married. When asked why they wanted to so badly, most homosexuals say they just want the chance to get a divorce like everyone else.

No one knows the exact population of California. Many are murdered everyday by robots who look like humans who come from the future. The governor has since passed a law making it illegal for robots to murder humans, known as the dreaded “Terminator Law.”

White: 52%

Black: 22%

Hispanic: 12%

Movie Stars: 11%

People Who Want to be Movie Stars: 18%

Failures: 78%

Los Angeles: A city full of broken dreams and shattered ash treys. It boasts the highest washed out movie star to normal person ratio in the country.

San Francisco: This city is known for its bridge and for the fact that the entire city comes in all colors of the rainbow. A city where men can hold other men’s hands and the heterosexual are beaten and have objects hurled at them. Most are never hurt however, since the citizens of San Francisco throw like girls.

Sacramento: No one knows how exactly this city became the capital. Many believe it knows somebody who knows somebody.

25% liked the book better

75% liked the movie better because they didn’t have to read

Many Californians spend their off time reading movie scripts or writing movie scripts. Others become actors and spend their time trying to convince everyone that they aren’t gay. They do this by jumping on couches and forcing a younger woman from a sappy teenage drama show to marry them.

State flower: golden poppy

Motto: Eureka! This is also the exact same phrase that Nicholas Cage utters when someone else thinks he can carry a movie.

More turkeys are raised in California then any other state. This is the only thing keeping the rest of the United States from pushing California out to sea.

There is a law in Pacific Grove that fines someone $500 for molesting a butterfly. I have no joke here since sometimes the truth is much more funny.

It is known as the Golden State. This is because the entire state was gold plated in 1992.

Robert Frost: a poet. No one knows how he died. It is widely believed that he just got lost when he came to a fork in the road, choosing to take the path less traveled.

Leonardo DiCaprio: A passenger on the ill fated Titanic. Best known for drawing some chick naked and then drowning to let her live. Also known for taking a historical event and somehow ruining it by making it mainly about a love story. See also Pearl Harbor.

George Lucas: created an entire universe for which nerds can get lost in and pretend they have a purpose in life. Most believe Lucas to be some sort of god. Others spend their days on the internet, typing in their blogs about how much better the original Star War movies were than the newer ones.

Tiger Woods: an up and coming golfer. Mark my words, if he keeps practicing, he’ll be good someday.

Marilyn Monroe: An advocate for covers over huge vents. She was crucial in showing how dangerous they could be if you wore a dress.

Walt Disney: mostly known for having a funny name, he is now more famously known for creating a universe where parents could leave their kids to be raised by cartoons.

one of California's many beautiful natural forests.

The town of Hollywood finally decided to put letters up so it's residents would know how to spell it.  This came after years and years of people mistakingly spelling it as Holywood. 

This famous bridge connects California to Hawaii. 

In a surprise twist ending, this man was dead the whole time.

Probably not safe for work, but I still recommend it.

Anyway, I recently read an article about a new book to be released this fall, titled "The Last Witness." What I gathered from reading the story is that the book differs from the standard Hitler book formula of "boy meets art, boy loses art, boy grows square mustache and presides over mass murder failing reasonable alternative like wearing eyeliner and black clothing, boy kills self," is that in this one he's portrayed not only as a genocidal monster but as a deficient comic as well.

His favourite victim was the Luftwaffe chief Herman Goering, who was notoriously fond of awarding himself medals and decorations.

According to the book by the last surviving member of his bunker, Hitler recounted how Mrs Goering found her husband waving a baton over his underwear in the bedroom and asked him what he was doing.

"He replied: "I am promoting my underpants to OVERpants"", Hitler then joked.

Ah, wordplay. A staple of good comedy. (Do not proceed past the first four seconds. I'm sorry I even linked to it.)

But puns alone (usually) can't carry an act. A good comic needs to be able to commit, perhaps even using physical comedy to try to garner enthusiasm from his or her audience.

Hitler was said to be so proud of his joke that he had medals made from gold and silver paper for Goering to wear on his pyjamas.

Perfection. Hitler didn't even need to use a mic stand as an apparatus to get his point across.

On another occasion he noticed his official photographer Heinrich Hoffman had drunk too much and told him: "Don't stand to near the fire Heini - you might burst into flames."

Why, he must've consumed a great deal of alcohol for that to seem like a possibility! Sehr gut, Mein Fuhrer! Sehr gut!

In all honesty, though, it's not fair to compare Dane Cook and Hitler. While both have sold out Madison Square Garden and both are shitty comics, the similarities end there. Cook is also a poor actor, while Hitler has no experience in that capacity. Hitler presented a compelling enough message to a downtrodden country that he was able to seize power and lead a holocaust, while Dane Cook's message appeals more to teenage girls. And, yes, I'll admit it, some of the laughs Hitler got may have been symptomatic of his standing in the Nazi regime rather than the laughter Cook gets on the rare occasions he comes up for air during one of his ungodly performances.

Besides, I think I found a better comparison.

Oh yeah. That fits perfectly.

i think that people must think i'm strange.

oh well.

the last time i went to visit, my youngest cousin - who's 11 years old - remarked, "you laugh a lot."

oh, child, sometimes - sometimes, one can only either laugh or cry, and laughing is the more pleasurable of the two.

lend it to biology, and there is a million different reasons why laughing is awesome. it draws more oxygen into your system, bringing you closer to a state of euphoria, it releases endorphins, it relaxes the vocal chords, it reduces stress levels, blah blah blah blah. of course, none of that really answers the question as to why scientists are always so serious all of the time (not all scientists. i'm sure there are some who actually know how to have fun on the weekends - like, bill nye looks cool as heck to hang out with - but i also know an ophthalmologist who, in the course of 8 years, has never once laughed at one of my jokes).

in my first grade class - i may have told this story before - my teacher would always have an english assignment ready for us on the board, so that the minute we walked into class we would be quiet working. it really wasn't too bad - just a few sentences to correct, and a few more to write (later, in my third grade class, we would repeat this same assignment - i wish my parents would have let me finish in forest hills). but... my teacher. first, she was bobby hoying's sister, who was, at the time, one of osu's star players (yes, she threw this fact around to a bunch of 6 and 7 year olds, who, you know, would totally know who bobby hoying was). second, she was probably one of the most uptight women that i have ever met. if her pants had been higher and her hair just a bit more curly, i think that she would have spontaneously combusted in front of us. if we were writing or reading or doing assignments and you had to use the bathroom, you had to use the following protocol which was explained to us on the first day of school. first, you had to raise your hand. when she noticed you, she would beckon you over. once beckoned, you were to approach her from behind and, using only the first two fingers of your hand, tap her right shoulder. then she would turn to you and ask you what you needed, to which you would reply "may i please use the restroom" (you weren't allowed to say "can"), at which point she could either pass or veto your request. seriously. i mean, no freaking joke. needless to say, some kids did end up having accidents (what sense does that make to do that to 6 and 7 year old kids who don't even have a fully developed bladder?).

anyway, this was the kind of monstrously serious woman that i was dealing with in my first real year of school. so we had these assignments on the board every morning. one particular morning i was in a semi-silly mood, and my response to the instruction "write three sentences" was to write on my paper the words "three sentences." when i raised my hand to let my teacher know that i was finished (this was yet another bureaucratic protocol that she made up go through to make sure that we had all finished our assignment before moving on - you can imagine how long this morning ritual took), she came over and gave me the dirtiest look i think i had ever received up to that point in my life.

"i'm very disappointed in you, emily."

now, if that were my kid, i would have pumped my fist and said, "heck yeah, we've got a clever one on our hands!" i mean, really - how many 6 or 7 year-olds have that good of a grip on the english language to be able to make a successful pun like that? my parents should have been proud, had they even heard of it. unfortunately, my anal first grade teacher squelched my blossoming sense of humor for a number of years thereafter.

they say that kids who generally become class clowns are the smart kids, because, for lack of anything else better to do, they are left to their own devices and find ways to amuse and entertain themselves. i didn't get in trouble very often in school, but when i did it was for things such as the story described above. once in fifth grade my teacher was mad at the class because... i forget the reason, really. i think we had been noisy while another class was testing, something like that, and his words were "i don't want to hear another word out of any one of you." i got sent out in the hall for signing to my friend across the aisle. apparently, sign language was still a form of "talking" in his mind. some teachers that i had were somewhat laid back and didn't try to fight this in me. others sternly believed that the classroom was not a place for laughter, and although i didn't get in a lot of trouble at school, when i did it was for this reason.

and then there was the time that i was in the middle of an impression of my geometry teacher when he walked into the room. i about died.

my mom jokes with me and says "someday you're going to have a daughter just like you and i'm going to have my revenge." pssh, whatever, mom. if i have a daughter who's just like me, i'm probably going to laugh. i mean, when i go out, who's going to crack jokes with me? who's going to make comments about the people and the products and the places? who's going to try on stupid clothes just for a laugh? one of these days i'm going to get old, and i won't be able to do the things that i used-to-could. somebody else is going to have to eventually take over.

robin williams (one of the greater comic geniuses of our generation, i think, despite the alarmingly high number of people who actually hate him) spoke of being able to make people laugh as an electric thing. it's very gratifying, a way to make yourself feel productive or accepted or acknowledged through someone else. he claims that his first comic victim was his mother, whose quiet quips were rarely recognized over the large presence of his father (large in many ways, i assume). i'm not really sure if humor is nature or nurture either - in my dad's side of the family, at least, because there is just such a large number of people, one of the ways to be heard is to be more clever than those who are older than you. some people take it to an extreme, of course - i don't think that being "funny" always has to be such a negative thing where it involves solely making fun of those less fortunate in some way than yourself. but don't mention that to my cousins nathan or jason, because they'll probably look at you strangely and then make a comment about your age or your clothes or what music you listen to as if it's somehow inferior to their life's choices. i don't really think that putting people down is necessarily funny. sure, we all take our jabs at paris hilton and britney spears (two people who, if anyone deserves a sort of "joke's on you," it would be them), but i just don't think that humor was intended to be unproductive.

my parents don't quite get why i like jim gaffigan so much (perhaps my dad less than my mom, but then again let's backtrack to who's family he belongs to....). the thing about jim gaffigan that makes him so great is that he transcends time and generation and it doesn't take a whole lot of effort to "get" him. people like lewis black are funny, yes, but i can only take so much of him - you truly do have to have a little bit of intelligence to get most of his jokes. and then there are people like dane cook who are good as well, but anyone over forty is going to have a hard time even warming up to such a character. gaffigan, on the other hand, is one of the few comedians that i don't mind watching with friends, children, or my parents. he keeps his subjects relatively basic, and it doesn't take a whole lot of thought to get what he's saying. he points out a lot of things that you encounter in your daily life that you just haven't thought of in a particular light, and i think that this is the core of a true comedian. the difference between funny, unfunny, and outright bizarre is often just a matter of perspective.

i wish i could be a comedienne, really. it was something that i thought i might be able to do when i was a freshman in high school. i even went so far as to keep a notebook with me so that i could write material or observations that might turn into material as they came to me. but i think that the most discouraging thing for me is that, in being a comic, you can tend to lose the spontaneity of a truly funny moment. sure, it might be the first time that the members of your audience have heard a joke, but it's only the millionth time you've told it in the past few months. i don't really think that someone can really be called funny in that light (although there are plenty of people who succeed at it, don't get me wrong). being spontaneous, unexpected, and off the cuff, that's where i get the most enjoyment. there were times that i laughed so hard that i almost lost my breath and had an asthma attack, and not once was it over a comedian. the last time i laughed that hard, my brother had stolen my turtle stuffed animal and was mimicking its cry in an uncharacteristically low voice. then when i tried to grab my turtle away from him, he made it roll over and decompensate its bowels in fear. i wheeled around and collapsed on the couch in laughter. i'm sure that no one is laughing as i briefly recount the details of the incident, and that's fine. most of my moments in life are often finished with, "well, i guess you just had to be there," but that's precisely the point. had i expected my brother to do something that stupid with my turtle, i would have been annoyed rather than amused.

as duran duran says, "it doesn't have to be serious." of course, i think that they may have been talking about something else, knowing how simon lebon was.... anway. i don't think that this life was meant to be cluttered with concern and weighed down with worry. it certainly is a temptation - just turn on "fauxnews" at the top of every hour, and you'll discover plenty of reasons to feel angry, disappointed, frustrated, miserable, upset, and doomed. i'm not saying that we should be uninformed as a society, but i am saying that there is always more than one way to look at something. the majority of things that you worry about and hold on to from a day to day basis are really things that aren't going to matter five, ten years from now (even less, depending upon what it is). the majority of the things you will ever get upset about in your life will never change. not that one should take the attitude of the defeatist ("oh, i'm just one person and i can't change anything so i might as well just quit") - if you're passionate about something, by all means, keep plugging away - but i think that few people realize just how little control we have in life. if you decide to take it in stride, at least, you're apt to be a much happier person. if my fate is going to be the same either way, no matter what i do, i'd rather go out grinning than gritting my teeth.

really, more than anything, life just amazes me. being a romantic at heart, i can sometimes get swept up in the complexity of life and what it has to offer someone as banal and mundane as me. and yet on a daily basis i have a plethora of things at my disposal to take amusement and enjoyment in. this is going to sound so democratic (i cringe, but yet i don't resist), but i really do love people. all people. so some are downtrodden, and some have made mistakes, and some aren't in the best of circumstances, but i don't think that that necessarily hinders or "cancels out" what every person has to offer the world. laughter is so cheap. i have laughed with men and women, smiled with the old and the young, the rich and the poor, the near and the faraway. could it be that this is one of those things that was given to us that serves to bind all of us together, makes all of us that much more human? i suppose i'm getting a bit hedonistic here. if my cousin is going to tell me that i laugh a lot, i'm just going to agree with him. there has been too much pain that i have felt and seen in life where i would want, even for a second, to add to that.

i know that there are several web comics that pay homage to the idea that people don't really "lol" irl as often as they type it in conversation, but, oh, if only i had a microphone....