and i think where i go with some of my anger is:  where in the #&~)*!@#? is "the church" in this process?  most everyone sitting in the social services waiting room is already in a tough & brutal spot, otherwise they wouldn't be there.  and they're there trying to figure out the system on their own with basically no one to stand alongside.   the last time i was there i saw a veteran get so frustrated on the check-in process that he threw up his hands & stormed out the door. i was so sad, i wanted to run him down and say "come back, i'll do this with you!" but i was tied up holding another single mommy's hand as she was having an anxiety attack at the thought of losing some of her benefits.   i thought to myself "everyone here should have someone else with them to be a support & strength, an in-the-flesh advocate."

psalm 82:3-4 includes this cry: 

"defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed.  rescue the weak and needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked."  

although the psalmist is crying out to God, because we are called to be a reflection of God's image, i believe this verse is a call to advocacy.

and i've been wondering, more than ever, what would it look like if christians continually cultivated the art of advocacy so that our "neighbors" would have voice, support, and encouragement when they needed it most?  (ps: i need to add that i am very mad that anyone who is part of our faith community even has to access social services because we, as christian brothers & sisters, should be helping meet those needs together. but the harsh reality is that a lot of people with money & resource seem to be looking for programs for their kids & inspiring sermons & just don't see themselves as equals with honest vulnerable strugglers so the resource ends up staying in systems that self-perpetuate instead of directly to care for the hurting. i always want to cry out: "i have a single mommy who needs that money so she can change her life, but instead you're going to let it pay for printing costs & building overhead & salaries to keep your cool church's worlds spinning 'round!").  i really believe the resources are out there, they are just allocated in the wrong places.  sorry, i digress.  

but i'm not afraid to say, i think churches should be cultivating advocates instead of building buildings.

so what would that look like?

it always, always, always starts with relationship.  friends don't let their friends do hard things alone.  period.  without relationship, advocacy just can't happen.  this is why i am so passionate about incarnational relationships--in the flesh, face to face, heart to heart.  this means we have to invest deeply in the lives of each other so that we know when someone actually needs help, someone to stick up for them a little extra for a season.

a willingness to step into the mess even when we don't have any answers. - advocates don't have to have answers (this is what we always think). we don't have to know the ins and outs of the system or what programs or resources are available.  the only thing we need to be willing to do is say "i'll figure this out with you, you will not have to do it alone. you need to try to use your voice but if you can't, i will be there to help you." 

we need to get mad on others' behalfs.  we must get in touch with injustice, what it looks like, smells like, tastes.  there's nothing more healing for another person than to have someone say "this is not right!"  social justice advocate john perkins says, "when a person stands on the side of the oppressed, he decides to trade comfort for concern, apathy for action, violence for nonviolence, hate for love." 

we can't keep "leaving it to the professionals." - we make assumptions all the time--"oh, i am not a professional, they need to figure it out with their caseworker, therapist, doctor, lawyer, you name it." okay, that's my point:  sometimes people need help navigating things with the "professionals"!   this crosses all socioeconomics.  "voiceless" takes many forms & has nothing to do with education or pay.  sometimes, because of shame & abuse & insecurities, people lose their voice and a 50 minute session once a week isn't going to get it back.  we need people to help us practice standing up for ourselves, to be good coaches.

commitment to the long haul - if every person with margin was a tangible life-long advocate for a person without margin, i believe the world would be a radically different place. i know that's overwhelming for some people, that thought, but i do believe that we need to take a much longer view of relationship.  we are called to be people's mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters for different seasons & our adopted "family" means we are in it for the long haul no matter what.  one of the reasons it is so hard for hurting people to trust other people is that they continually get ditched & it becomes so difficult to trust.

the truth is, we probably all need an advocate now and then. when i was going through an extra hard time a few years ago exiting an unhealthy church staff, jose stuck up for me in a powerful way i will never forget it.   i had become voiceless, beaten down, and he stepped in and said a few things that needed to be said on my behalf.  in that moment, i got a picture of God's heart for me. 

whether we are young or old, educated or uneducated, shy or loud, there's always someone out there who needs us to stick up for them now and then, to be a voice when they have none, to restore a little dignity & offer a little hope for the journey.  that's advocacy.

One day, when he came home from work, I met him at the door and, in an effort to set the stage for a pleasant evening, started asking him about his day (he loves talking about himself so this was a perfect tool for keeping him calm). As part of focusing my attention solely on him, I asked about a variety of things, including what he'd had for lunch. You know... small talk, but only about him. He told me he'd gone to Wendy's and that he'd eaten a bacon cheeseburger, fries and a Dr. Pepper, and had a Frosty for dessert (his Wendy's Usual).

We had dinner together, and things were going smoothly. He talked about himself and I hung on his every word. Later that evening, we had to go out for some reason, and when I got into the car, I found Subway napkins and a sandwich wrapper. Stupidly, I said, "You went to Subway?"

He immediately became defensive and said, "Fine! I went to Subway for lunch. What difference does it make?"

Angry about being lied to for no apparent reason, I scolded, "It doesn't make any difference. That's the point! Why lie about it?!"

His unbelievable response was as follows:

"You make me lie to you! I had to tell you I went to Wendy's! Look how pissed off you are about me going to Subway!"

Although this sort of twisting and spinning was nothing new for him, I was, once again, shocked and deeply disturbed by it. Did he honestly not understand that I was angry about being lied to and not about what he had for lunch? Or was this just another one of his mind games; a fairytale in which he casts me as the irrational nutjob? Perhaps it was a combination of both; perhaps he convinced himself (not believed) that I was angry because he went to Subway so that I could fulfill my (crazy) role in the script he had written for his own entertainment that evening.

Whatever the case, it represented a much bigger picture: it's the kind of insanity that I lived with with nearly fourteen years.

Funny thing... I've told this story to therapists and a few trusted friends. This is the first time I've ever told it without becoming angry or anxious. As I read through my own words just now, I rolled my eyes and shook my head, but I didn't feel like screaming. For a change.

Maybe I'm getting better.

There are two kinds of people in the world: smart, reasonable, thinking people, and well, West Virginians.

It's not Democrat vs. Republican that will determine this race, it's going to come down to reasonable, thinking people vs. racist fear-mongers. I'm very worried that what a colleague of mine says is true - the masses are asses.

hey auntie kathy. i was just wondering what your input is on 1 timothy 2:11-15.  we were discussing it in Bible class and i thought of you. i'm pretty sure you are a pastor, right?  are you doing the right thing? i'm confused on what is right...i just wanted to know what you think.  write back....luv ya!

i thought it was amazing that she is actually investigating the issue instead of taking what her bible teachers say part and parcel.  what i can tell from our ongoing conversations, though, it is it is very difficult and confusing.   she is definitely not sold on what i have shared back in response.  here's what she said next:

i read [your email] and thought that you are right in some ways, but i'm still not sure.  i mean, man is made in the image of God (we all are in a sense), but woman is made in the image of man, when eve was created from adam.  it just makes sense to me that men are preachers and women are in the audience listening....i mean i understand women being missionaries but do you think that man and woman should be equal in that way by being preachers to a whole congregation??? i don't know...love you.

oh it was so hard for me to see a sweet smart 14 year old being taught that a few isolated passages in scripture mean that women's God-given role is subservient to men and we should silence our voice. but of course i can see why she's confused.   it is confusing.   i am not in her bible class, so i have no idea how it's all going down, but i have been around christian schools long enough to know how "this is what these passages definitely means" gets communicated.   so kids, or grownups listening to authorities teach the bible, get in our head that there is 100% certainty that that is exactly what that passage means and forget the bigger story.   we don't tend to be taught "hey, there are lots of different beliefs about these couple of passages, lots of perspectives, what do you think?" 

i am glad my niece is at least wrestling with this, asking the question.  but i do believe so many cards are already stacked against her.  you see, over time in these kinds of conservative systems she'll subtly be indoctrinated with the thought that women are supposed to do this or that and aren't allowed to do this or that.  that "good christian women" are meant for certain things and certain things only.   this subtle misogny will have all kinds of effects that are unseen to the naked eye but shape more than we think. 

she and i will continue the conversation and i look forward to being another voice into her heart & head even if it doesn't really make an impact now.  i just want her and my daughter and all the other little girls i know to be whatever they want to be.  

i am used to some people thinking i am "wrong" for being a pastor. that is really nothing new to me.  some were fine when i was the associate pastor or "underneath" the authority of a man, but now that i co-lead, and we mutually submit to each other, well, that's a different story.  and let me clarify an important point like i always do...this is not about my soapbox for women pastors.  it is about my soapbox for women, period.   you see, i believe the subtle ways women are placed underneath men, in their "God-given roles" they will always be subtly or directly oppressed and undervalued.  their worth will always be less-than just because of their gender. i know many people say "come on, it's not that big of a deal. we want women to do everything except have authority over a man" but i think they're just fooling theirselves.  if power's not that big of a deal to them, then why in the world won't they give it up all the way? 

and once in a while i hear this from women, either subtly or directly:  "well i am not a pastor or a speaker so it's not that big of a deal for me" but here are my questions in response: 

• well, what if it's a big deal for your sister, your daughter, your mother, your best friend?
• and, just as important, how does your community support you in living out who you were created to be? 
• how are they helping you get set free? 
• do they care about your passions, your dreams, your talents, your voice if they have absolutely nothing to do with advancing the programs of this church or some christian ministry or a man?  
• who is fanning your true gifts (not just the coveted good hospitality and happy disposition skills) and your real voice (not just audible words) and creativity into flame? 

you see, the "we don't really value your voice" message goes far beyond just whether or not women preach or teach.   it's the subtle ways women don't have equal power, leadership, value, or voice, where entire generations of misogyny are built upon a few passages of scripture and the liberating message of Jesus gets lost.   i am well aware many women have no desire to be a loudmouth like me.  but i know they are strong and powerful in different ways and won't get the chance to step into it "unless it directly benefits the system somehow and it will only be to a point that the men in power feel comfortable with."  women will stay in churches year after year after year after year that subtly or even directly keeps them stuck, limited.

all this to say:  i believe it's time for continued change in this area of christian culture.  we have to think about the young girls coming up, what do we want them to believe about themselves and their contribution to the kingdom in the deepest of ways.   i realize in many mainline denominations it's a nonissue but for those of us with evangelical roots, it is far, far, far from a nonissue.  i believe for the sake of all 14 year old girls i hope we do much more than just settle for perpetuating the status quo.  i hope more and more men and women risk their jobs, their ministries, their hearts, to break down the damage that's been done over the years to the voices of little girls, grown women. 

Jesus is a restorer, a rebuilder, a redeemer.  but i believe sometimes we need to actively participate in his redemption.  to me, i think it requires speaking out with more than just words against the subtle and direct ways we are silencing and devaluing 1/2 of the population.   please, God, redeem this mess we've made. 

ps: i told my niece and i'll say it here, too, i love christians for biblical equality because they are smart about the bible & believe passionately in equality for all in the kingdom of God.  their stuff is always a great resource.  plus, if you want to read about a few of these specific passages in paul's letters, check out tia lynn's in-depth study on silent women in church.  (this link is to part 1 but there several posts)

Yes, it's that fun-a-palooza time of year when the big-big grant proposals are coming due.  And this year, there's the wacky thrill of having three of them due on. the. same. day.  Who's clever idea could that have been?  Sure, I could only write one of them, but that wouldn't be good for my program.

When I first became a program director I used to think about grant writing with a dreamy, faraway look in my eyes: "Oh, wouldn't it be great if I could be more involved with writing proposals?  That would be so fun, so cool."  You've heard the line about being careful what you wish for?  Yeah.  Careful.

The thing is, I actually like writing grant proposals.  I like imagining what my program could be if it had enough funding.  I like creating new components and seeing all the new ways we could work with the community.  What I don't like is knowing that everything really does hang in the balance because we are totally grant-funded.  What I don't like are deadlines.  What else I don't like is having to pull my head out of the rose-colored clouds of my fantasy and set about the nuts and bolts business of figuring out how to support my staff and squeeze in a little extra money for supplies or metrocards for student trips.  Last year I was able to work things out so my per diem teachers could get raises for the first time in years (yes, years).  I wonder what this year's surprise perk is going to be.

(Just so you know, I'm not doing all this work on my own.  I have stand-out writing help.  It's just a little overwhelming knowing they're all due ... in about five seconds.)

So today was "enter at your own risk" in the Adult and Family Education office ... except not really.  Mostly people respect my sign, but they also know they can knock when they need to.  Like when Julissa came in to give me a copy of her brand new GED diploma, show off her (totally kick-ass) scores and make an appointment to learn about applying for college.  That was a good interruption.  Or when my boss and I shared an evil laugh over the bad-child-in-the-sandbox behavior arriving via email from the director of a partner agency.

Tomorrow I'll outline the bold letters on my sign with red for additional emphasis ... and maybe go so far as to actually lock my door.  That deadline is looming!

• have been wounded through serving & separating from 'church as they  have known it"
• are feeling alone
• are former church leaders/staff members trying to find a new direction.
• may have left community but want to return but not get mired down in the system they left behind.
• long for a faith community that is vibrant, accepting, and real, that joins in God's kingdom in practical ways.

what does this growing population of the "restless, "wandering", "transforming" christians need for their journey and how do we, as part of the body of Christ, understand these needs and come alongside?  

the reason i chose to participate is that this is a topic near and dear to my heart because i myself have experienced what i like to call "spiritual vertigo", a weird and bizarre disorienting piece of my journey that has terrified me, thrilled me, and caused me no end of grief, confusion and powerful transformation.  in the midst of all of this i have been co-pastoring a community along with a lovely group of fellow sojourners.  some would say that is irresponsible, and i would say it has been healing not only for me but others, too.  and that it is so possible to have incredibly deep faith and Jesus' hope and not feel certain about a lot of other things at the same time. 

while i do not have any trite solutions, i do have some thoughts for those who may be in the midst of the confusion and are feeling a little dizzy.   at the same time, i wanted to toss out a few ideas for other friends or communities who aren't experiencing the same symptoms but are in relationship with us and aren't quite sure what to do.

here are a few survival strategies that helped me when i stepped out of what was comfortable and sure and enter into the land of questions, change & spiritual adventure. 

remember this important truth:  you are not alone!   that is why blog-land can be so helpful.  i had been talking about a lot of these things long before i knew what a blog was, but when i really transitioned out of the old system i was completely and utterly disoriented.  all that i knew for so many years i suddenly couldn't buy into but at the same time i desperately missed.  i felt so crazy.   reading about other people's journies--how they knew similar feelings i was feeling--gave me great hope.

get used to blank stares & nervous twitches.  some people just don't know quite what to say or how to react when we start saying more clearly some things we are considering or strongly disagree with, or are more raw and unedited than they are used to.  it can make you feel awfully misunderstood, but i am trying to learn to take it less personally and recognize that it is just freaky for some people to hear different ideas. 

let yourself grieve.  spiritual shifting includes a lot of loss.  i way underestimated how hard it would be to leave so much of what was safe and comfortable, what i had built my whole life, family system, even my job, on.  grief has a wide, wide range of emotions and springs up in the weirdest of situations.  i have gone to events or parties thinking it would be no big deal for me and ended up bawling in the car all the way home.  interactions with people, situations, experiences still tap into my grief and loss, how much i have changed, let go of. part of growing is just learning to recognize it and let it be what it is and not try to run from it or pop a cork in it.  i lean on the 2nd beatitude in matthew 5:4.   "blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." 

focus on love (and relationships) . God's love supersedes language and systems and cultures.   Love binds us all together somehow.   no one i know is throwing out God's love on this journey of spiritual transformation. in fact, it's just the opposite.  we are trying to move closer toward it, to receiving it, to giving it, to knowing it in the deep crevices of our heart.   at the core of all the shifting seems to be a sincere draw toward how to live Jesus' love out truthfully in the here and now.  so regardless of how far off the map sometimes we feel we've gone, if we're pursuing Love, people, we can't go too wrong. 

strain to hear God's voice in new ways. the reason i use the word "strain" is that in the midst of all the din, confusion, fear,  i found that the ways i used to hear God i didn't anymore.  the old tricks didn't work.  i felt dead to things that once made me feel so alive.  part of the journey has been learning to notice Jesus' heart for me, the world, in ways that i previously hadn't relied on. songs, people, experiences, movies, bizarre interactions, random scriptures, all kinds of things started to get my attention and i started taking greater notice of ways God was indeed reminding me of what was true, noble, pure, good, trustworthy. it just came in new ways. 

find safe people (and hopefully funny ones) to journey with.  some how, some way, find some safe people to process this with. this has saved my life, my faith.  my friends who listen, make me laugh, let me go off the deep end and still love me, who don't care about my questions, my doubts, my radical ideas, but care about me.   online, face-to-face, in a group, on the phone, whatever you need, it's worth seeking.  

consider pursuing some of your dreams.  so many have wanted to be with the poor, write, create, be part of something in their communities, love their neighbors more intentionally, go abroad and be part of tangible ministry beyond their local church walls.   consider just going for it, quit waiting for the perfect time.   give it a try. experiment.  risk.  the only thing to lose is pride & ego and those are worth losing anyway.  it will help clarify what you really are passionate about. 

now, for those friends, family, communities who are wondering "what do i do when people i know are spiritually spinning? " here are a few helpful hints: 

love us, not the words you are used to hearing us say.  what has happened to a lot of us is when we stop expressing things in the exact same words people feel comfortable with we get judged, rejected, abandoned, slowly cast off.    the most healing and beautiful thing others can do to those in the midst of spiritual vertigo is love us no matter what, stand by us no matter what, be willing to see beyond words & activities & your comfort zone, and still love us as people even if we disagree.

recognize that there are lots of ways to live out our faith in Jesus, community, church.  many people are finding "church" in ways that look nothing like sunday at 10 am with music & a sermon.  i do believe that community is essential.  we can't be disconnected from people and live out our faith.  affirm ways we are growing, learning, serving even if it looks different and honor that God is big and can work in wild and crazy ways that look "wrong" or "not spiritual enough" just because they don't fit into our limited paradigm of church.

let us feel what we are feeling & trust us to keep moving.   just let us be honest about where we are at and don't tell us subtly or directly that our feelings are unacceptable.   that really messes with our head.   we can have doubts and still believe.  we can be confused and still serve.  we can be sad and still love.  we can be angry and not sin.   don't use your own pre-determined measure of "movement" and assume we're missing the mark.  there's a lot more going on underneath in our hearts, our minds, our souls than meets the eye. 

don't hold us to everything we say.  we are in process. i sometimes rant, i sometimes rave.  i sound bitter one day, forgiving the next.  i have been all over the place.  just know some things i said a year ago i don't necessarily hold to today and some things i am saying now i probably will be embarrassed about in a year.  allow us to change our minds and see things differently at different times.

consider creating safe places in your existing communities.   i know what it feels like to be a notorious sinner in a group of put-together-do-the-right-thing-and-then-you-won't-suffer-christians. it feels terrible.  in some ways, spiritual questions can put us in the same precarious situation as lepers and adulteresses; we become outcasts.  it would be so beautiful if we could learn to live together somehow--the certain & the uncertain--and listen, respect, and trust each other, our differences.  this takes some heavy duty relationship skill, putting people's hearts--not belief-expressed-the-way-we-feel-comfortable-with--as the highest priority.  i am seeing it in action, it is hard to do, possible, and glorious all wrapped into one!  

there's no simple solution to spiritual vertigo, no easy 5 steps to get to solid ground, no sure-fire way to be the perfect friend or community during the process, but i believe in every part of me that God is bigger than the dizziness and that somehow, someway he uses the tossing & turning & spinning to draw us closer to his true heart, the bigger story. 

ps:  other bloggers participating that i know of at this point, check out their posts for other perspectives on the topic:

• erin word - are we there yet papa smurf?
• jeff greathouse - so you want change?
• alan knox - revolutionary, who me?
• jane - onward christian soldier
• a former leaders journey - revolutionaries synchroblog
• jonathan brink - re-emerging church
• nate peres - it's not up yet but will post the link when it is.
• aaron monts - why i stayed
• glenn hager - harvey
• jeff mcquilken - the great shift and my unwitting part in it

i confess, for a pretty long season i was weirdly entrenched in the typical christian system where faith & politics are all mixed up in the strangest of ways.    the past few years have been such a great and free-ing transition for me, where i finally am in the midst of all kinds of people instead of just ones who think and believe and vote just like me.   oddly, looking back, it never occurred to me how insulated we had become when it came to what we believed about God & politics & family values.  we just mimicked the people we were around, and part of it just "fit" with where and how we were living at the time.   my husband was a naval-academy-grad-US-navy-jet-pilot and there weren't  too many democrats in that crowd during those days.   add in attendance at a conservative evangelical church for "young families" and you have all the mixin's for good republicans. 

a little background on how we got there:  his family immigrated here legally years ago and are still very dedicated republicans.  my family on the silveira side (that's my maiden name) are dyed-in-the-wool democrats (they've never voted for a republican in their lives).  i had "change the world" genes in me and wanted to go to cal berkeley until a weird turn of events landed me a scholarship at pepperdine university (my mom was a single mom, and it was an amazing life-changing opportunity for me).  my freshman year at pepperdine one of my professors asked for a show of hands to see who was a democrat and who was republican.  me and one other guy were the only 2 democrats in a room of 40+ republican 18-20 year olds!     

but slowly i became evangelicalized.  by the time i met jose i had 3 years at a conservative school and was drawn to the good evangelical boundaries and rules because i desperately needed some of them in my life.   in many ways, it saved me.  jose's strong political convictions won me over and not too long into our marriage i "officially" became a republican.  i remember the day i got my voter registration card in the mail.   i became a good-so-cal-christian-republican-woman and during our early parenting years i used to coordinate letter writing campaigns with the other officer's wives to our congressmen about family values issues while our babies played in the other room (yes, this was really me, it's embarrassing to say out loud but it's just the truth of where i was at the time).  i remember our bible study cried when bill clinton got elected (oh, just admit it if you did, too, it will make me feel better). 

but like lots of us good evangelicals, things started to shift several years ago. what we once took part & parcel we began to question. jose went to law school on a social justice scholarship and his world started rockin' and rollin'....his politics, his faith began to morph.  i started asking better questions, had more doubts about what i had saddled up with and why.   we started to discover we weren't alone.   lots of conversations over dinner with friends started revealing the same questions. 

last week a few of us from the refuge went to hear jim wallis who was in town promoting his new book the great awakening about the changing landscape of religion & politics.    according to a barna poll of 16-29 year old christians (from sojourners february 2008 issue):

50% perceive christianity to be judgmental, hypocritical and too political.

33% say christianity is old fashioned and out of touch with reality.

80% say "anti-homosexual" is a phrase that describes christianity.

and unfortunately, for me, some of the christian-republican things got all wrapped up with each other.  why have i left being part of the evangelical right?  frankly i just got tired of the same old mail coming into my mailbox each week about the abortion issue and homosexuality.   i got tired of the meanness and judgemental spirit, the "us" and "them."  because of some of the things i believe, i became one of "them."   i still believe in some of the things conservatives stand for, but i believe there are bigger fish to fry than just these two issues and taxes (i know many other conservatives do too). but let's face it:  these past few years poverty and global warming are finally on the table as moral issues, and i believe we can attribute some of that to a bunch of celebrities who used their clout to get these issues the attention they have deserved.   i am thankful that sojourners has been trying to raise awareness of how unfair it is to lump all christians into the right wing, that there are some of us gravely concerned about oppression and poverty and injustice in the world and don't necessarily align with the democratic party, either.    i am also grateful i have lovely democrat christian friends and lovely republican christian friends and lovely non-christian democrat friends and lovely non-christian republican friends, too. 

regardless of everyone's loveliness, i have had some decisions to make for myself.  i have been toying with changing my party status to independent for the past few years, but here's what pushed me over the edge:  the invisible children video.  if there was oil in uganda, i do not believe our government would stand by while thousands of kids flee to hospitals and parks for protection every night.  the money & power b.s. just got the best of me.   right around the same time, i had a distressing conversation with two of my kids about the evangelical christianity political thing.   to be honest, we've had at least a 7 year sabbatical from talking much politics in our house. it just hasn't been at the top of our list in a long time.  plus, our kids are just more grown up now and can engage in honest conversations.   i asked them what they knew about democrats because a couple of the younger ones alluded to something negative about them and it bothered me (they used to go to christian school).  here's what they heard: "democrats don't have morals." oh that did me in (and happily, they are now in public school getting demoralized by all those "public school kids" we used to be so afraid of..) 

so here's what i've learned in the past few years: 

we have to learn what we believe in apart from the people we hang around.

we are allowed to pick and choose what issues are important to us. we are also allowed to change our minds.  we are allowed to see scripture through different lenses, from new angles we never considered before.  we are allowed to "not know" and to be confused about things we used to be certain about related to God, and politics too. 

we need to be cautious about throwing God's name around when it comes to politics.  

it is good to have friends who believe all kinds of different things. there is beauty beyond words in diversity of opinion, thoughts and beliefs.

our voices matter.  

i don't necessarily have to be a republican or a democrat.

i believe it's my responsibility as a Christ-follower to consider the underdog, the poor, the marginalized, the oppressed, the voice-less because the authorities in power probably won't naturally do it themselves.

so there it is.   my faith & politics all jumbled up in some glorious confusing mess that feels okay for today.... 

WHAT IS ABUSE?

Abuse: Patterns of violence, intimidation and threats used to gain control and/or compliance over another person. Aspects of abuse include: physical, sexual, emotional/mental, psychological and financial. Abuse is committed by one person who has power over the other, and exerts that power in harmful ways. Abuse can happen to people of all backgrounds and genders--socio economic, religious and cultural.

For More Information Visit: Domestic Violence (Myths, Safety Plan, Questions About Leaving, Resources, etc)http://www.domesticviolence.org

 Halton Women's Place (What Is Abuse?): http://www.haltonwomensplace.com/abuse.htm

What is Abuse in Relationships: http://www.dvirc.org.au/whenlove/infospace.htm

CRAZY MAKING

 One tactic abuse is "crazy making"--when a perpetrator commits deliberate acts or manipulates to make a victim feel crazy, or to believe they are crazy. Feelings of disbelief, confusion and shame are all a part of crazy making. Crazy making can involve verbal abuse--threats, taunts, shame, blame, humiliation or name calling. Crazy making can involve physical abuse--coersion, retaliation. deprivation or physical harm. Often crazy making involves psychological tactics such as manipulation, stalking, isolating and acts that degrade or break down the self.

I found this song to be an of crazy making:

"You said: 'You're crazy, why do you keep doing this? Everything is fine.' Then I think, I'm crazy I do this all the time Until I start to think that nothing's even wrong [Chorus] Maybe I am Hiding in my own confusion Maybe we're just A picture in my head Maybe what if it could be The way I wish it really was Maybe I don't wanna see it The way it really is.."

The Way it Really Is by Lisa Loeb

For More Information Visit: Wearing Her Down, Understanding & Responding to Emotional Abuse: http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/wearing_her_down.html

Crazy Making, Some Disturbing Little Stories: http://www.dreamchild.net/caccrazemake.html

The Connection Between Abuse and Mental Health

Abuse can and will lead to varying degrees of mental and emotional decline. In many instances, a victim will not seek help or struggle to get help because they feel ashamed, that they are "crazy" or something is wrong with them or are afraid of the abuser. It may take a crisis before a victim seeks help--by then the problem is greatly exacerbated. In other instances, a victim may not be believed because they have a previous mental health condition or the affects of abuse present as a mental health problem. The affects of abuse on a victim can create a variety of problems from low self esteem, depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress, destructive behavior (eating disorder, promiscuity, addiction, self injury), sleep disorder and phobias. Advocates working with abuse victims will need to work alongside professionals and medical providers to ensure the victim receives the help they need. Advocates will also play a crucial role in getting the victim help--and recognizing that abuse is taking place. An advocate may be a person working at a shelter or it may be a teacher, family member, friend or religious official. It may even be you.

 Facts on the connection between abuse and mental health

"Battered women are 4-5 times more likely than non-battered women to require psychiatric treatment. “ Violence Against Women Source: Tubman Family Alliance, http://www.tubmanfamilyalliance.org/need_help/being_abused/violence_facts.html

 ________________

"While that may seem like common sense, there is now a growing body of evidence indicating that experiencing abuse plays a significant role in the development and exacerbation of mental disorders and substance abuse problems, increases the risk for victimization, and influences the course of recovery from a range of psychiatric illnesses. Across studies of battered women, rates of:

(1) PTSD range from 54% to 84%

(2) Depression range from 63% to 77%

(3) Anxiety range from 38% to 75%

...Linking domestic violence advocacy with mental health and substance abuse service delivery is critical for the prevention of future violence and its sequelae." --Domestic Violence & Mental Health Policy Initiative

http://www.dvmhpi.org

_________________

"About a quarter of U.S. women suffer domestic violence, U.S. health officials reported on Thursday, with ongoing health problems that one activist likened to the effects of living in a war zone...The CDC said women who suffer domestic violence are three times as likely to engage in risky sex and 70 percent more likely to drink heavily than other women. They are also twice as likely to report that their activities are limited by physical, mental or emotional problems and 50 percent more likely to use a cane, wheelchair or other disability equipment, the CDC survey found.These women also were 80 percent more likely to have a stroke, 70 percent more likely to have heart disease or arthritis and 60 percent more likely to have asthma." Quater of US women suffer domestic violence: CDC by Will Dunsham (3/8/08)

http://www.stopfamilyviolence.org/ocean/host.php?folder=12&page=497

______________________

"All women who are experiencing or have experienced domestic violence will need emotional support of some kind, but their needs will vary. All women need to be listened to with respect and without being judged when they choose to talk about their experiences." In conclusion, if you are a victim of abuse get help. You deserve to be safe. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Your life depends on it. It will take time to be safe again, to heal and rebuild you life--but have hope because the first step begins in believing that you are worthy of love, respect and a better life. And with those steps comes a sense of power and strength that will only grow. Even in your struggles, your value as a person, and in the soul God placed in your body, is not diminished. You deserve love, respect and safety. Believe that.

For Additional Information:

The Women's Aid Site include a "Survivor's Handbook". Here you will find common tactics used by abusers who use mental health (threats, name calling, shaming, creating distress/anxiety/fear etc) as a weapon against victims. Also includes tips on how to communicate with service providers, who may not believe your disclosure of abuse because you are seeking help for mental or emotional issues. Also includes tips how to survive after abuse. http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100360002

________________

Domestic Abuse Victims Bring Complex Issues to Treatement by Eve Bender. Psychiatric News (June 4, 2004, Volume 39, Number 11): Information on how affects of abuse may affect a victim's mental health, coping skills and relationships with others. Information on how psychiatrists and other medical professionals can assist victims in healing and seeking help. Discusses common myths and barriers that prevent victims from being taken seriously or being recognized when reporting abuse while also dealing with mental health issues. http://pn.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/39/11/14?maxtoshow=&HITS=20&hits=20&RESULTFORMAT=&stored_search=&FIRSTINDEX=0&tocsectionid=Professional*&displaysectionid=Professional+News&journalcode=psychnews

 __________________

You Are Not Crazy-Listen to What Verbal Abuse Sounds Like

"...he masterfully charms everyone he meets, just like he did to her when they first met..."

Includes Information about Abuse, Charateristics/Behavior of an Abuser, Eileen's Journal and More http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/

_______________________

Violence Against Women With Disabilities (Facts, Recommendations for Service Providers to Help Victims, Education and More) http://www.bcm.edu/crowd/?pmid=1344#facts

_______________________

Coping As a Non Borderline/Coping with BPD Loved Ones List of Resources and Information on Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Relationships, Dealing with Stress, Depression, Anger and Shame and More..

http://www.bpdresources.com/coping.html

here's what's scary:  3 years ago, i observed--literally--the same conversations when it came to talking about intentionally making our old church safe and accessible for the marginalized, hurting, and oppressed.   i stood on the tables advocating that "if we make it safe for the most desperate, we make it safe for everyone" while if we only make it safe for the neat and tidies, it will never be safe for the broken, hurting, and marginalized.  some very key leaders expressed that they were sick of hearing the words "desperate, broken & messy"  and wanted more of "the Word" and traditional small group ministry to make the average christian (as in:  look good, have a steady income & know how to tithe) feel more comfortable.    no need to get into all of that in this moment, but i will say that during the entire film i was chuckling at how almost 40 years later the conversations were nearly identical.

the theme of this movie goes far past a black-white integration issue.  you could plug in any underrepresented group of people into the same conversation, anyone marginalized, oppressed, segregated, ostracized, thought of as "less than" by those in power.    people of different color, sex, socio-economics, life experience, faith experience,  lack of faith experience, sexual orientation, you name it.   it is about people on the "in" not willing to allow people on the "out" into their lives, experience, churches.  

here are some of my favorite quotes of the movie, lots of good food for thought when it comes to social justice & missional communities:

"Christ never hesitated to take a position on a moral issue no matter who opposed him." - from ernie chambers, the african-american barber activist in 1967 (who later became a nebraska senator).  

"we're fighting ignorance in the place there should be the most enlightenment--the church" - an african american student

"we haven't got the guts to take the first step" - an elder who sided with the white pastor

"we don't know them as human beings. if we did, that would change everything." - an elder who admitted that he had never had contact with an african-american in his life. 

"people will leave...what if they leave?"  - an elder opposed to pastor youngdahl's idea

"pastor, i want them to have everything i have. i want God to bless them as much as he blesses me.  but, i just can't be in the same room with them. it bothers me."  - a white parishoner of augustana lutheran church. 

"the gospel is not about an air-conditioned building and stained-glass, it is a place where men reach for justice, love, and understanding."  - bill youngdahl, the white pastor who lost his job over this simple request.  i have an overwhelming amount of respect for him and his heart to try to do the right thing.

lots to think about. worth seeing. makes for a great conversation.

ps: just today an interesting tidbit about how discrimination is alive and well in the year 2008, especially in our side of the US toward hispanics.  my husband's parents immigrated here from el salvador when jose was 4.   my father-in-law called our cell phone company a few weeks ago to point out a mistake in billing.  he speaks english but prefers to use the spanish-speaking line.  they wouldn't budge on reversing the charges even though it was the company's mistake.  my husband called, spoke in english, it was a piece of cake to change and he was treated with respect.  then, ironically, they didn't fix it so my father-in-law called back.  he encountered the same thing--they said he was completely responsible for their $200 mistake.  my husband called again and in a matter of minutes the problem was resolved.   it makes me so mad. 

i also can't tell you the number of times it's been pulled on me.  100% certainty on the biblical interpretation of a passage.  "this is precisely what this means and i will die on a hill i am so sure of it."  i had a friend who became ultra-conservative about the Bible and boy did it get ugly between us years ago when i started at seminary for a counseling degree.  she said that it was "unbiblical and worldly" and that the only thing she believed in was "biblical counseling," applying scripture to people's problems.  the biblical counseling course she was taking at her church was grounded in "truth". i challenged her saying " i hate to tell you but you are only learning what the author of the class you are taking says about certain passages. it's just his interpretation, his best shot, and there are other people out there who see that exact scripture totally different from him and believe just as emphatically that they are right, too"  she could not for the life of her budge on this thought.  

i think this is what has gotten Christians into so much trouble with the world.  they rarely, if ever, add one little simple parenthetical phrase that i believe would dramatically change the perception of christians.  i am talking about just a simple few words here and there that implied a bit of uncertainty since the truth is that we don't know 100% without a doubt that this unequivocally positively what it means anyway. 

what if we were just a little more honest and prefaced some of what we said with:   "here's how i see this passage", or "this is what i think this passage could possibly mean," or "i am not sure exactly what this means, but i've heard some people interpret it as," "i could be wrong but," "i don't truly know, but...." "yeah, it doesn't really make sense, but..."  all's i am talking about is taking ownership ourselves instead of pulling the God card as a cover.   i mean how hard is that?  why is it so hard for us to admit that anything we pass on about the bible is truly just our interpretation of what we think it means?    biblical "truth" isn't quite as objective as people make it sound.  i know i can get in all kinds of trouble here with lots of people, but i gladly take the risk.   i love the bible.   i love its intricacies, how i can see a passage one way one day and the next day it speaks to me from a totally different angle. i believe its power to heal and change and move a person and God speaks to me through it now and then. 

but i am so utterly sick and tired of the bible getting thrown around like people own the rights to exactly precisely what God means by every word in it.   they hide behind "biblical truth" when in fact they have just heard or read someone else's interpretation of what it means and assume that is 100% right. i don't care how much biblical scholarship goes into a passage (although it's helpful) we will never be 100% certain what God meant this side of heaven and honestly, i don't think it even matters all that much to try to figure it out.  why not spend just a little more time loving and applying Jesus' ways in our lives instead of trying to prove a point about what a word supposedly means??   

why is a simple parenthetical phrase that softens the know-it-all-ness so hard to do?    if we gave it a try, i really believe our reputation in the world would greatly increase, but i am also realistic enough to know that there are far too many people out there terrified to think that if you add a phrase of doubt you are heading down a slippery slope and the whole damn thing might fall apart.   

when we take our grip off the bible we actually have to trust there's something bigger at work:  aka God's Spirit alive and well, unexplainable and mysterious and superseding black and white words on pages.  now for some, that's scary.  for me, i'll take it any day. 

a friend emailed me yesterday and told me she had been hanging out in the flogging machine.  in my earlier post i referred to it, but  i realized that my friends from the refuge and some others may know what i am talking about but others might not have any idea what it means.  i did recently have someone ask "do you mean a fogging machine?"  and i'm like, "no, those are in concerts (and sometimes churches)."

here's the definition of flogging:  to beat with a whip, stick, etc. especially as a punishment. 

a flogging machine is the place i go in my head to beat myself up after i do or say something that makes me feel uncomfortable, when i make a mistake (for me, mistake-size doesn't necessarily matter), when someone gives me negative feedback, when i have a conflict, or sense disapproval.   whenever these things happen, my first  inclination is to go into the flogging machine and waste some time in there for a little while.  here's what my flogging machine consists of:

a bat - to beat myself up with. i always say my right arm has a huge Popeye muscle.

a megaphone - it's loud in there, the voices aren't quiet, more like blasting.

all of the people who have said negative things about me in the past (or at least i think they have)--it's kind of a combobulation (not sure if that's a word?) of voices i've heard--past relationships, condemning people, people who have been mad at me or didn't like me.

a tape recorder - the conversation, the voices in my head, keep getting played over and over again, kind of like torture.   rewind. play.  rewind. play. rewind. play. 

special earplugs - these earplugs tune out anything good. in these moments, no positive voices come to mind. i can only hear the bad. 

i think we can all agree, the flogging machine is a nasty place to stay.  it certainly isn't God's heart for us, and it's not good for our souls, our minds.  it is an energy drainer. 

here's what i'm finding:  i am staying in the flogging machine less and less and less.  the time keeps getting shorter that i will waste my time in there and i am finding that very healing.  who knows, maybe there will be a time it will be completely destroyed, demolished (i'm not betting on it) but i can cut down its use.  i told my friend yesterday:  step out of the flogging machine and into the arms of good friends and safe community who love you and will remind you of the real truth about you.    romans 8:1 are not trite words.   we are screw ups, we make mistakes, we don't hit it right, we say and do stupid things, and we wish there was a rewind button on a lot of the things in our lives so we could re-do it better.  this is why i am still a Christ follower.  i need Jesus' grace, mercy, hope, redemption, healing, love.   it's so hard for me to take it in faster, quicker, but that's what i long for.  

sometimes when i leave the refuge my friend mike texts me "don't go into the flogging machine tonight" and it always  makes me smile and remember...dammit, life's to short to hang out there for long. 

“there was  concern that arose when i presented this bible study as a resource…the quoting of oprah and ghandi.  both are good people but not someone we would want to give credit to as knowing or having spiritual insight.  we feel it would stumble some of our ladies especially new believing women who would take it as a stamp of approval, especially of oprah.  our question to you is why you felt a need to include people who are not spiritually minded to reinforce biblical truths? “

i call this throwing the baby out with the bathwater in its finest form. 

gandhi doesn’t have spiritual insight worth passing on.  oprah has nothing worthy to say because she isn’t “christian”.    their words will actually cause someone to stumble.  the message of peace, love, valuing yourself, compassion, dignity,  caring for others, being a good citizen—these i guess aren’t Kingdom principles unless they are attached to someone who professes to be a Christian.  they don’t count if they don’t somehow come with a scripture chapter and verse.  come on!  many systems only feel comfortable if “biblical truth” is shared in a specific way but one  small smack of “worldliness” and we’re getting deceived and in big trouble.  to me,  biblical truth is meaningless if it is just words and not practiced in relationship with each other.     

Jesus is bigger than language.  he is bigger than our stupid systems and rules and man-made craziness.    He can move through people that don’t know a lick about the Bible but know a thing or two about injustice and the poor and marginalized and oppressed.   Jesus understood the times and was able to meet people where they were at.  i’m not saying i believe in everything oprah or gandhi says.  i don’t believe all of what almost anyone says.    

but i know this:  they have something to say and i can learn from them.  to say i can’t is arrogant, rude, and small-minded.  

God made clear—don’t make idols and worship them.  the Bible has become that—an idol that has been elevated above basic human respect and kindness and a belief that God is alive, at work through the people he created whether they say the “right things”  the “right way” or not.   this kind of Jesus is too small for me. 

ps: this cool painting was done by my friend jenny herrick.  yes, God is not in the box.   

every year i make the same new years resolutions. i am really quite pathetic. i always say “okay this year i am going to work out at least 3-4 days a week,  stop eating carbs, lose 15 pounds, be more on top of my friend’s birthdays, and clean my house more regularly.”  usually within a few days of january 1^st i have already found an excuse why i can’t work out,  eaten a whole bag of salt and vinegar chips, and significantly added to my mounting pile of clothes & things to put away instead of making a dent in it.  within a week i always feel like a loser.  

i have an extremely mean & cruel voice in my head, one that tells me that i always fall short, screw it up, embarrass myself, and when things go wrong it must somehow be my fault.   

jose calls it the “devil thoughts” and can’t quite understand why i listen to the voices and lean into them.   it’s not that he doesn’t have the mean voices, too.  he readily admits he does, but they are so much quieter and somehow he can manage them much better than me.  mine are so loud, relentless, accessible.   they are best at making me feel  shame, stupid, wrong.   and i act out of them more often than i’d like.   this looks like being defensive when i don’t need to be, spending inordinate amounts of time replaying moments and experiences and picking them apart, and basically becoming utterly and completely self-centered in my thoughts.

it is the biggest time-waster, life-stealer, hope-drainer i could possibly imagine.  

i know the enemy’s job is to “steal, kill and destroy”.  he is a thief and he knows exactly how to rob me of peace.   he preys on my distorted views of the christian life like none other.  and frankly i am sick of him. but i’m not going to blame it all on him, either.   i take a lot of responsibility for leaning into the mean thoughts because i am addicted to approval & perfection.    this means that i struggle to just be.  to mess things up.  to not hit it right.  to not get the praise i want in certain stupid moments and be okay with it.   to rest in knowing i am just an average person doing the best i can.  i have wasted far too much energy in my first 40 years listening to the mean voices.  so this year here’s the only thing i am going to try to focus on, a resolution of sorts for 2008:  “strain to hear the kinder voices”. 

Jesus’ voice is too quiet in my head too much of the time. 

i want to be like the sheep in john 10, they know his voice, and they listen to him.  his true voice is one that brings life, hope, conviction without shame & guilt.  when the mean voices roar, i know the spiritual discipline of “taking some of the thoughts captive”.  sure, it helps a little.  i also am thankful for safe community where i can say these things out loud and they completely understand; it definitely lessens the din.  but bottom line is i’m sick of the mean voice.  this year,  i’d love to have a little quicker & better radar that picks up the good signal first…the gentle voice, the balanced voice, the realistic voice, the good shepherd’s voice, the voice that makes me laugh at myself, the voice that reminds me to notice the joy & beauty & God’s grace in the midst.

i am pretty sure i’m not the only one who is familiar with the mean voices (please tell me i’m not!) so here’s my hope for all of us this new year. let’s strain to hear the kinder voices.  

she came back with “so when IS the time?...when will there be a right time?”

if rosa parks never got on the bus, if the freedom riders never took their first bus trip, if the first black student didn’t walk through the door of a white college, segregation would still exist.  why?  because there’s never a right time for unjust systems to magically fall.  it just doesn’t work that way.  this exact statement was said to me after i taught on a weekend at our old church a few years ago (i was the first woman to “preach”...i personally hate that word but i guess in that moment that is what it is).  you see, afterward, a few people with deep pockets and conservative convictions asked the question “so what is our stand on women teaching?” and it stirred up a hornet’s nest of back door conversations.  this is what the conclusion was: “we believe in kathy.  but we’re just not ready for it yet. it’s just not the right time.”  this past year a bible study tool i co-wrote got released, and the #1 christian retailer of bible studies refuses to sell it in their stores because i’m one of the “lead” pastors at the refuge & they are deep rooted in conversative theology about women in leadership (this is no joke, for reals, a bible study for women written by women won’t be promoted because of my job title).    “they’re just not ready yet.”   do you know  how many women i know who are amazingly gifted and talented communicators and “pastors" and leaders who are waiting around for the “right time”? 

it is clear, i’m not the most gracious and gentle when it comes to issues of injustice, especially in systems of Christ-followers.   i believe that unjust systems are allowed to perpetuate themselves because it’s never the right time to change.  there will never be the right time for people to all of a sudden accept what has never been accepted before.  

but it’s always the right time to stand up for something that is wrong.

of course i recognize that many christian circles are theologically adamant that women can’t lead.  honestly, i am not talking to them; they have come to their conclusions and interpret the Bible differently than me.  i can respect their position even though we don't agree.  i am speaking to the many men and women who know in their heart “something is awry” but sit by and don’t do anything about it.  it bugs them that they go to churches where women can’t speak but they just accept it.  they  keep hearing & seeing the same boys over and over and kind of wonder where the different voices are but just assume “that’s the way it is.”  they repeatedly see women working their tails off but with titles that are demeaning to the jobs they actually do.  they have wives and daughters and friends who have something to say & contribute but never get a chance.   

there’s never a right time. 

but i believe the time is always now to start asking questions.  to start questioning the system.  for those in power to give up a little of theirs to make room for voices that never get heard (and i’m not just talking about women here. the women’s issue is only one of so many examples of continued inequality and subtle and overt discrimination against those not in power in society & the church. it is just one of many issues of injustice i am passionate about & just happens to be on the tip of my tongue at the moment).   yes, i believe the time is always now for some small (or maybe big) steps toward battling injustice.  and yes, as much as i am an idealist, i am also a realist. 

i know  the hard road to equal rights is paved with years and years of crazy sacrifices, casualties, and experiments.     

but just because it’s hard, maybe feels impossible, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t take clear and tangible steps toward the right thing. i deeply respect all of the men out there making room & starting to ask questions and all of the women out their using their gifts and risking their hearts.   each of you are paving the way for not just women but others who don’t typically have power or voice because of man-made systems that contradict Kingdom principles.     micah 6:8 is one of my favs.  God requires us to do justly, love mercy & to walk humbly.  the time to live out micah 6:8 is always now.    

“i want some meat!”“i wish we could get more meat!”"we really need more meat!"

i know those of you who are struggling to buy groceries are thinking the same thing. but i’m talking about a different kind of meat that has nothing to do with grocery stores but everything to do with church. i have heard the cry for “meat” within the church ever since i became a true-blue evangelical church-going christian. when i entered into a season of spiritual and emotional healing about 14 years ago I remember demanding it myself. things started getting a little intense in my women’s group (people were really sharing honestly from their heart, not holding back, going the distance instead of faking it) and i told my group leader “i really wish we used the Bible more in here, i really want more meat! i really want to grow...” (i am now of course so embarrassed that I said this & after having seen the light a few years later confessed to her for not recognizing then that what we were doing in that little group was far more than just some stupid slab of spiritual meat—it was actually the whole cow!). but i was not alone in this kind of thinking. i hear it all the time, although now it is like nails on a chalkboard to me, maybe even like all of my children’s nails on a chalkboard all at once. and as you all know that is a lot of fingernails!

here’s what i think people mean by “meat.”

1. “Bible knowledge” - as in scripture verses and telling us exactly what they are supposed to mean. the more the better. a little bit of hebrew or greek translation adds the perfect spice.

2. “teaching” - teachers telling people what they think they need to learn or know in a very specific clear way so that we feel like we got a “lesson”, something motivating.

3. “certainty” – these are the facts and we are 100% certain that’s what this means and on top of that we are certain this is what you are supposed to do with this knowledge, too.

4. “a touch of shame” – some kind of moment that gets created when you think “now I’ll try harder….I need to be more godly…I am convicted and now this week I will get rid of that sin for good.”

while none of those things are inherently “wrong” what gets to me about all of them is they are sort of irrelevant to the gospel of Jesus. in fact, he said over and over to the religious leaders who had these 4 things mastered up and down, backwards & forwards, “ummm, guys, you are missing the point. here’s all that you need to do—be like me.” he didn’t say “go to a room, feed your belly with knowledge, get inspired and go home feeling spiritually fat.” he said, “hang out with the outcasts, the losers, the nonreligious, the prostitutues, the sick (oh, and by the way, that means you), get in touch with your brokenness & need for me and practice the way of self-sacrifice, generosity of spirit, humility and love. yes, my friends, this is what will change the world.”

i love the Bible. i think scripture can be transforming. but i also believe we have dismissed that true spiritual maturity is a life of serving others in tangible ways, humbling ourselves to the lowest place, giving up our comfort, money, time, pride for the sake of others. remember, the word of God became flesh, and that is what He did.

i think when we are honest what we really want is to be spoonfed spiritual milk and are terrified of true, tasty, Jesus steaks. most of the people i have been around through the years who demand “meat” are great, sincere believers. but usually their expressed desire for “meat” is actually them running for the safety of others who are more socially acceptable and sound more godly.

you see, the church has contaminated our taste buds. we have been taught to think that “spiritual” must include Bible knowledge, certainty, teaching, a touch of shame (and healing that looks like good behavior) so we keep seeking after it, church after church, Bible study after Bible study. but honestly, what it seems like to me is that people keep learning but never really apply much. we’re lonely but we never connect. we keep slipping in and out of services but never engage with a hurting person beyond “hi, nice to meet you.” we keep going to Bible studies & church meetings & services & prayer times hoping we’ll become more like Jesus and end up insulating ourselves more and more from the very places Jesus always was hanging out.

so here’s my soapbox mantra for the past 5 years or so, everytime I hear someone demand “meat”….“okay, no problem, look around. i see freezer after freezer full of it.”

reach out to someone in need no matter how messy it seems. help the poor. sacrifice your time and money. restore a broken relationship. love the outcast, especially the person that bugs the hell out of you. spend the time you waste watching TV investing in a person, no matter how young or old. stop nagging your spouse and change your behavior. serve someone else. open your home to others. force yourself to do something uncomfortable. get your head around the reality that you’re just as messed up as ‘those people’. humble yourself and let another person into your life. stay in a friendship for the long haul instead of running away.

and here’s what i believe usually happens next—never directly, always subtly—“nah, that kind of meat, i can do without. when does the next Bible study start?”

our taste buds have been contaminated. Jesus’ ways sometimes don’t initially taste too good going down. but for me, i have to say, nothing’s better than the aftertaste-- the quiet moments when I notice where God’s spirit worked, what He is teaching me about me, life, humanity in the midst, and the beauty in the ugliness.

i know a lot of people think that at the refuge we are drinking milk. it sure tastes like steak to me.

during the whole gaggle of getting it ready for promotion in december, it turns out the publisher couldn’t print that i was a pastor in the material because some of the salesmen said they wouldn’t be able to sell it to the by-far-the-biggest christian account (with southern baptist roots) with a woman pastor author. I am not kidding. if I had any other title in the whole wide world it wouldn’t matter. it’s just because I am called pastor, that is the word they can’t tolerate if there’s not a y chromosome with it. I fought the battle with the publisher (new hope, they are great by the way, but really underestimated how crazy the system really is on this one) and ended up losing. they decided to not mention I was a pastor in the bio. there was nothing for me to do about it, really, i used my voice, advocated for what i could, and had to just let it go or pull out of the project, and I had invested countless hours writing the tool part and it just felt too bad to walk away. i understand they had profits to consider and wanted the book to have the best possible shot and without that biggest book order, it was going to be tough.

so, here we are 7 months later, I have mustered up getting excited about it despite how weird it has felt (it’s like telling a teacher, we can’t call you a teacher because it might offend somebody). they paid for me to fly to atlanta, stay in a great hotel, and all of my expenses to launch it. i have been on my best behavior, trying to make the most of being at a conference filled with the marketing of Jesus. it’s been a little hard on my soul but I was so happy being quiet in my hotel room reading eat, pray, love by elizabeth gilbert and catching up on my zzz’s, that I didn’t even mind.

well, i found out toward the end of the conference, that the retailer—lifeway christian stores—still refused to carry it. even though it isn’t printed in the book, they now know I am “one of those women pastors” and it is against their doctrinal beliefs. what is so gross to me is that automatically because I have the title pastor, have something to say to our little faith community, I am theologically anti-biblical and immediately disqualified. it’s ugly. disgusting. makes me want to throw up. but after the initial shock and trauma (1 hour before our book signing where I needed to be extra perky and happy. I saved my tears for later) I just felt relieved. all of my ranting and raving about inequality, injustice, ugly evangelicalism is not unfounded. I am not crazy, I am not making this up. it is alive and well in the year 2007 whether anyone wants to believe it or not.

so what can I do? what can you do? well, I hate to pick on you, boys, but it starts with you. women can stand on the tables and shout out “don’t you see?” but really we need men to understand how engrained this injustice is and intentionally make sure they are not subtly buying into the system. I am grateful for the refuge because karl, mike, john, kevin, paul—as members of the leadership team--have openly embraced that we are equal. girls’ anatomy doesn’t preclude me or any of the other women on the team or in our community from anything. they see the value of diversity, where young and old, women and men, married and single, divorced and widowed, all have something to say. I never, ever feel discriminated against at the refuge. every man who is part of our little crazy community, whether they realize it or not, is changing the tide of an unjust system just by their presence. (thank you guys, I love and respect you all so much….). you can also go to a lifeway store near you (they’re mainly in the south but are a few in colorado & california) and ask for refresh, ask why don’t they carry it and ask them to order a copy for you. new hope would love for them to see a blip get on their radar.

but bottom line is this hub-ub has been a catalyst for me to stay on this journey, to do what I can to just keep being, well….me. i readily admit, some days i just want to give up, throw in the towel, and say okay, jackasses, you win. i’m out. you can have your church and eat it, too. but i am too much of a fighter and it is so not Jesus’ heart that half of all people, that those with a passion for his message, the Kingdom, for the poor & oppressed wouldn’t be able to have a voice or role as a pastor or shepherd or leader because they happened to have a different chromosome combination.

like racism, the only way to change things is to not stand for it anymore. I believe as Christ-followers, we must visibly show the world that sexim, racism, classism, and exclusion is not the Way of Jesus. God, help us be an instrument of change, hope & healing in this really messed up, sexist, racist, egocentric, classist world (and sadly, church)

Let me help you get the picture. Imagine I'm leaving a simple conversation with some co-workers, and the next thing I know I’m whirling around on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, being tossed to and fro by thoughts like “well that was a really stupid thing to say….what were you thinking? they think you are an idiot” or spinning round and round in the teacups with thoughts like “you’re a failure. you’re a failure. you’re a failure” repeating over and over with every spin. Or maybe it’s being trashed back and forth on The Zipper, every mistake I’ve made that day replayed over again until I feel nauseous. Unfortunately, this is what the inside of my head looks and feels like a lot. No one would ever know by looking at me. I look fairly sane, basically put together. But inside my head, I’m often at the circus. Even as I write this, the carnival is just starting to rev up, the engines beginning to roar into life for the new day ahead. Here’s what begins to happen…”You can’t say things like this, you guys are the pastors and look how messed up you are. Get your act together before you lead. If you really trusted God and believed the things you say you do you wouldn’t think these thoughts. Where is your faith?” The craziness begins.

But I can’t stop thinking the thoughts automatically. I have tried that, doesn’t work. Then I just feel more guilty, like I should be doing something that makes the thoughts stop coming. I have tried applying God’s Word and taking every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ like it says in 2 Corinthians 10. Of course, that is helpful. It is definitely a start of a shift for me, a recognition that the crazy thoughts I think aren’t the truth and I need to look at it in the light of Jesus and what He says about me. But that somehow hasn’t been enough for me because it’s way too lonely. Just me at the carnival gritting my teeth through another bad ride, hunkering down with God’s truth, still just leaves me feeling a little lost. (side note: truthful statements that don’t sound “Christian” really get the whole Tilt-A-Whirl going)

What helps me the most is asking someone else to come to carnival with me so I can notice how ridiculous the rides I am on really are. A few days ago I was at a meeting with some dear friends where I was safe enough to share some of the crazy, irrational thoughts I think most days. A lot of my current weirdness has to do with stepping out to help build The Refuge but it’s not all that. I have been thinking these things long before we began The Refuge—it has just plugged my head into a speaker system and the voices are all louder than ever. My friends didn’t do much. Not a lick of cheap advice or pat answers, no telling me that I just needed to pray warfare and it would all go away. Instead, they listened. They laughed. They shared some of their crazy thoughts, too. And you know what? I felt a little sliver of peace for the moment, that I wasn’t an unfaithful person who needs to get her spiritual act together, that I wasn’t alone at the carnival, they sometimes take some wild rides, too. In that moment, I actually felt God in some beautiful, mysterious way. He was just….there. The thoughts felt less crazy, settled down a bit, not as loud. For a little while, I was off the ride, actually enjoying some cotton candy and a lemonade at the carnival instead of getting whiplash.

Lately I have been feeling that quite a bit. In recent conversations, I have been hearing a recurring theme--mistreatment by Christians. Pain caused by insensitive Christians and mean churches. Many have witnessed a huge disparity between what is said and what is done. We know that Jesus taught us to love our enemies, but Christianity has become known in this country as the least likely help to help those with whom they disagree. Gays, liberals, evolutionists, and others perceived to have a world view other than Christian have often felt the wrath, not the benevolence, of those called Christian. Rejected instead of embraced, shamed instead of loved, ignored instead of helped is the pattern. In this past year I have become one of those people—those “wounded by the church.” Take it from me, to challenge the established, large institutional church to value kindness over growth is a sure way to unemployment. The pain is deeper than I ever could have imagined but I can tell you that thanks to the kindness of my dear and faithful friends at the Refuge and other kind Christians these wounds are healing.

This past week I was at a conference in Seattle. It was a wild gathering of radicals who believe in a different way of doing church—a simpler way more focused on what Jesus cared about--the poor, the oppressed, the marginalized. But instead of slick programming, bells, whistles & buildings the higher value is kindness. I have believed the things that they were talking about for a long time but because I was so caught up in the megachurch and all its trappings I didn’t know this crazy underground movement of simply kind Christ followers existed. I felt privileged to sit next to such dedicated people....kind, gentle leaders who didn’t care about big salaries and filling cavernous auditoriums but truly cared about tangibly loving the abused, the beaten, the broken.

In the spirit of becoming more and more like Jesus in this broken messed up world, one of the speakers shared this profound thought: Being kind is more important than being right. These words stung. How often has being right been my primary objective? I have stood on tables, shook my fists, hurt other people, all in the spirit of “being right.” And hey, let’s face it, sometimes I have had a pretty darn good point and the right to feel right. But where did it get me, really? Nowhere except maybe closer to anger, resentment, isolation, unforgiveness. I have found the need to be right to be a dead-end, a lose-lose.

I want to learn to be more kind. I want to extend to my enemies, and those who don’t agree with me, forgiveness and compassion instead of hate and anger. I want to live my life well instead of worrying about how others are living theirs. I want to continually stay in touch with Christ’s radical kindness, mercy and compassion toward me (even when I don’t really understand it) and offer it freely to others. And I guess I keep wondering—why is this so hard to do? Why is bitterness, self-righteousness so much easier for me? I am pretty sure it’s just because I am a human being and inclined toward a hard, self-protective heart instead of a soft and vulnerable one. And bottom line is that extending kindness makes me vulnerable, and I hate to be vulnerable. It’s so scary, risky. But I’ve been imagining how different my world might be if I was a little bit more kind and a little less worried about being right. What if we all were a little kinder to ourselves, kinder to others?

My friend K-Lee has a wonderful tag line on her email…”Be kinder than necessary. Everyone is fighting some kind of battle.” God, help me, help our little community of rag-tags at The Refuge be known for our kindness.